Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Grass-Fed, Locally Raised Guilt

Happy New Year, queers!

It's a marvelous year already. I'm back to work, and even though I complain about it, it's kind of nice to have a routine. Especially when my job is to be "fragressive" (that's 'friendly' and 'aggressive') and order people around all day.
Also! The 3M privacy filter is really coming in handy.
My God.

You all should run out and buy one right now. I actually watched ten women in China compete in a Miss Flexibility contest on YouTube in a coffeeshop full of toddlers on Sunday, and I'm not even kidding not even a little bit.
But, um....



Psssssst.

I have a dirtyass secret. The New Year cannot progress until I tell you. It's really that bad. Unburdening-time!

BACKSTORY:
A girl I know, Jadie, at a party right around New Year's, asked if I had any resolutions this year.
Without a thought in my head, I gaily trilled, "Wear more fucking fur!" and laughed.
At the time, I was one week into Pet Bunny Ownership and was wearing a silver fox fur stole the size of a large dog.Looking back, it may have seemed...slightly evil.

I had forgotten that Jadie is a militant vegan.
She excused herself and spent the rest of the evening tossing me dirty looks. As if I was K.D. Lang wearing baby-seal pants and throwing chicken bones on the floor!
Hmph.

MY SECRET:

I wear fur. I own fur. I fucking adore fur.
And I'm gay.
And I'm not a drag queen and I have a pet.
And I'm constantly trying to be a vegetarian.
And I donate to PETA.
Contradictions.

People! Before you throw red paint on me, listen to my weak rationalizations!

I only buy vintage fur.
I figure, buying new fur is bad; it creates a demand for more fur in the marketplace, and then new animals get killed.
Buuuut...if the animal was killed in 1923, what's the harm?

It's already been made into a fur.

It seems more wasteful and anti-green movement (ohhhyes I'm going there) to throw away a perfectly good, oh-so-cozy fur than to buy it at a Goodwill for $4 and wear it for years.

You're such a dyke. I already know what you're going to say. You're going to say that when girls see other girls wearing fur, they want fur, and then the demand goes up for fur anyway. Well, shut up. The truth is, I would have a fur bedspread if I could just find one in a thrift store. ThereIsaidit. And then I would roll on it naked and sleep 'till noon and eat bonbons and refuse to go to work ever again.
Like this baby.
Lucky little bitch.I ask you. What is it with lesbians? Why can't I have friends and wear tatty old furs? And really...why are so many of us vegetarians?

What is it with us?

Go into any vegetarian restaurant in any town, and that's where the dykes in organic cotton t-shirts will be hanging out.

Is it because we just, um, uniformly oppose meat?
Have a hatred for sausages?
Don't wanna play "Hide the Salami"? Heh.
Vegetarianism is an issue I struggle with. Every three months or so, I get pamphlets in the mail from PETA and decide I'm going to quit meat, whole-hog. Cold turkey.

1) I shove my fur coats to the back of the closet and refuse to pet them lovingly.
2) I start sauteing kale and making nutloaf.
3) I drink nutritional shakes that are green and thick and gross.
4) I start acting superior.
5) I begin (final stage) believing that Tofurkey actually tastes like something similar to meat.
Sooooo close to Official Vegetarian/Anti-Fur Lesbian status!

And then someone calls me to go out for BBQ.
And I fall in love all over again.
Omigod, meat.
Steak. Hamburgers slathered with ketchup and mustard. Bacon. Poor-quality breakfast sausages at the Hampton Inn buffet.

I just love meat so much.

But I wish I was a cool vegetarian dyke.
The kind that never puts any kind of meat in her mouth at all.

Can you be a vegetarian in a fur coat? Or will the two opposing forces cancel each other out and cause an implosion?

19 comments:

  1. well, I'm a full-fledged bona fide San Francisco dyke and I'm NOT vegetarian. I also don't own any fur, but I have no use for it in the climate here, so.

    more power to us! woohoo! (I do try to eat meat responsibly, as in, from local humane farms and stuff.)

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  2. Well, I'm a lesbian and an ethical vegetarian and I never date women who are vegetarian too. (What's up with that? But it seems to be the way it works out.)I figure it's not up to me to tell anyone else what to do around how they eat. It's a lot of work being in charge of me. I'm a 24-hour-a-day job. I can't be in charge of you too.

    That said, fur does creep me out. I won't throw paint on you if you're wearing it. But I'm not gonna throw my arms around you either.

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  3. Can't. Stop. Laughing. OMG. Sorry. Wait. OMG. Yeah, no, still laughing.

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  4. It's hard being ethical and stylish sometimes. As a vegetarian who is about to buy a pair of really good leather boots (dude, it's -15 degrees here today), I feel your ambivalence. This isn't the place for me to muse on my personal ethical quandaries, but just know that I totally struggle with this too.

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  5. I eat meat, but I don't have any fur.
    Though I'd love to fuck on a animal skin rug sometime.
    Fur on skin = The best.

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  6. Oh my God. I just found your blog through my friend Alphafemme and luaghed my head on. I am a super dyke who has always eaten meat, but have dated several ladies who dabbled with vegetarianism. Spot fucking on.

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  7. Alex formerly of ChicagoJanuary 13, 2010 at 11:25 PM

    Recycling fur is completely valid. Same with leather. The damage was done quite a long time ago. It is definitely more wasteful to let the fur sit in a vintage shop. Recycling anything and everything is good because it takes us one step closer to sustainability. Moreover, what hipster dyke can afford a brand new fur coat to mimic your style? basically no one. additionally, i'll bet most of your progresbians drink coffee, no? and i imagine that they drink direct trade or fair trade coffee. how is the average passerby gauking at your fetching dyke to know whether that coffee is ethical or shucked with the broken and bleeding fingers of a brazilian child? the average passerby can't tell, but i fucking bet your liberal gal still drinks her delicious coffee, doesn't she? yes, yes, she does. point is, you gotta take into account the nuances of every act of consumption. anyway, it is cold in chicago.

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  8. Yeah, y'know what? I eat meat, even veal. And I've never worn Birkenstocks. And I think PETA are a bunch of exploitative, hypocritical fucking assholes and I wear my grandmother's fur. So fucking there.

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  9. I'm with you on this. I'm a full-fledged vegetarian (nearly four years!), but definitely wear fur. ONLY vintage/used fur, but still. People give me crap, but I'm the one with the warm, amazingly soft fur so full of win.

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  10. I feel ya Krista. Except I've accepted that I could never be a vegetarian, I just love steak and bacon waaay too much.

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  11. I myself have been constantly criticized by my veggie dyke friends for owning fur, but I just don't see their problem when I am buying it from garage sales. It's not like I personally went out and decided to kill some animals to adorn my body with. I just think that white rabbit looks smashing with black heels when I am trying to pick up a new lady.

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  12. I just found your blog. I love it.
    Vegetarian-dyke anecdote: I had a great evening at a barbecue a few nights ago. My girl and I were both pretty drunk and sloppily sharing a chair at the table set up on the back porch, her munching down on thin strips of really effin bloody steak with an arm around my waist, and me chainsmoking beside her. A brandnew acquaintance was watching from the other side of the table and asked (with more than a little bit of jealousy, I'm guessing) how we managed to work - I'm vegan, she thinks smoking is gross - and we kind of smirked at each other and said that we had an agreement.
    I don't usually smoke around her unless she's eating meat. She knows I'm not going to kiss her after she's eaten lambchops. Fair's fair.
    I believe situations like these are what toothbrushes and gum were made for.

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  13. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5-45MRnIPI Dude, don't donate to PETA. I'm all for ethical treatment of animals but PETA are fucked up.

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  14. Just don't reading "Eating Animals". I eat meat and I am torn with the guilt from that now, knowing all the horrible things they do. But I still eat meat. Ravenously

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    Did you know you can get these AUTOMATICALLY & ABSOLUTELY FOR FREE by registering on Like 4 Like?

    ReplyDelete