Sunday, July 9, 2017

So No One Told You

[via @worldfamousbob]

Hi there, queertopians!

I don’t know what happened. One minute it was early May, and I was drunk with fresh chlorophyll and the annual strange freedom of not having to wear a coat (for a few weeks in spring, I always feel naked and nervous without a coat, like someone who’s abouuuut to lose at strip poker)... and the next time I blinked, it was early July, and so much had happened.

I got mugged!
I’m OK and the guy didn’t get anything. The reason he didn’t get anything is because he was unarmed, and when I realized what was happening, I screamed “MOTHERFUCKER NOOO!!!” and swung my cloth lunch bag at him with a lot of force.

This lunch bag happened to contain a large glass Pyrex container, which made a pleasing ‘clunk’ sound as it hit his chest and the side of his head. Startled, he let go of me, and then shoved me really hard into the street and ran away. I got scraped up pretty bad—my palms were stigmata-style for weeks.

A few days later, I wrote a letter to Pyrex, thanking them for providing me with both fresh-tasting leftovers and a blunt weapon in my hour of need.

They sent me a whole new set of glass lunch containers, all printed with hearts.

Isn’t that cute?

I went to Las Vegas for the Burlesque Hall of Fame!
My roommate and BFF, Tawnya (aka Sweetpea) was competing for the title of Miss Exotic World, and she took 1st runner-up!

[Look at this bish performing her act in Vegas] 

Which means I now live with the only current titled burlesque Princess, and that she is one of the best burlesque dancers on Earth, officially.

(I mean, I already knew that, but huge-ass trophies can be very validating.)

She practiced and sweated and stressed; I napped in the hotel room and took selfies in my $9 dress that I found by typing “slutty bodycon dress black” into a Google search.

We had a good time.

I wrote and published another NYT piece!
You can read it here—it’s about all the complicated feelings I feel about Pride.

Pride happened!
En Vogue sang “Whatta Man” at the Minneapolis Pride festival in Loring Park, and a lot of dancing happened, and I took my first-ever (yes) shot of tequila, which imbued me with unshakeable confidence in my dancing abilities.

Was tequila the answer all along?

I went to a psychic!
Only she prefers the word “intuitive” and she was nothing like how I imagined. Tawnya and Seven have been seeing her for years, and swore she was the real deal.

Gays, it was incredible—for 90 minutes, with no prior knowledge of me whatsoever, this intuitive proceeded to read me my life.

She knew I had moved within the year (and where I had moved from), she knew about my last relationship, she knew freaky details about my job and career goals, and she casually mentioned not one, but TWO of my quietest secrets and hopes that I have literally never told a single person about.

I went from seriously skeptical and judgmental to surprised and then creeped out and elated and covered in goosebumps.

Giant quartz crystals and amethyst formations littered every available surface in her office, which pleased the crystal-worshipping woo-woo lesbian who lives in my regular dyke body, and I left so light and happy.

Really, I don’t think you could ask for a better way to spend an hour and a half of your life. I’m going to go see her every six months until I die, it was that illuminating.

[via @naropinosa, model @valentinazedda]

I’ve also been going out a lot, especially to queer events that Tawnya and Seven throw.

More times than not, because I’m still new in town, I go alone.

Being alone doesn’t usually bother me, but sometimes I feel a little weird going out to a big queer party by myself. Being new in town, even in a city where I used to live, always puts me on uncertain footing. It’s a gentle, humbling reminder of how it feels to be a stranger.

I’ve moved cities a lot, and I know the drill: it takes about six months to feel normal about your everyday life; it takes almost exactly a year to start making realass new friends.

And then, once you’ve lived somewhere for awhile, you forget how comfortable it is in your familiar lil’ tight social circles. You forget to be welcoming and pull in new people; you forget you were once an outsider, too.

[by @stefanounterthiner]

And that's alright! It's just how it goes!

It's hard to be the new kid, no matter how old you are.

[via @leabarfield]

The other night, I went alone to a show at a gay bar called Lush, and it was packed. As I looked around the room, scanning the faces of the maybe hundred or so queer people there, I realized that I didn’t know a soul there.

Whole roomfula cute-lookin’ queermos—not one I recognized.

[via @doggosdoingthings]

Except for my roommates and gorgeous people I've met through my roommates, I don’t really have many other friends yet, here in Minneapolis.

Which is OK, and to be expected! But it’s definitely a thing I’m starting to think about.

Everyone was giggling at tables together, waving at people across the room, and I wanted to know them all, be part of the crush of people who had histories and backstories with one another, all linked by living in the same spot and seeing each other at parties and dating each other and each other’s friends and gossiping at BBQs for years and years.

[via @h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y]

It’s time for me to do something about it this friend-gap.
Time to step out of my (incredibly comfortable) comfort zone!

So: friends.
OK. I can do this.
Now, if you factor in the fact that I pretty much like to surround myself 100% with queers at all times, it’s easy to hone in on my friend-targets.

[via @local_honey]

And since Minneapolis is like 72% queer, this shouldn’t be too hard. do you make queer friends? Actually? As an adult?

I mean, I already know the answer.

The fastest way to make new queer friends is through fucking.

[via @arsenic/artist]

You know I’m not wrong.

You start dating someone, they have friends, you get to know the friends, and BAM! you also now have sort-of friends. Those friends have friends, and eventually, through a lot of trial and error and awkward small talk in hallways when you’re waiting to use the one bathroom at the house party, you find your people. That’s mostly how queers do it, and that’s how I’ve always done it.

You'd never have been at the house party in the first place if the person you were boning hadn't brought you and introduced you 'round, ya know?

The fastest way to new queer friends is fucking.
Not the only way! Just the fastest.

But what if...what if, for maybe the real first time ever, you don’t want to take a shortcut and fuck your way in?

What if you want organic queer friendships, not linked to your direct sexual history—friends who do not depend on your (possibly unstable!) (who said that??) love life?

Do I have to join a club?

Oh my god, do I have to join some kind of team?

[via @h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y]

Auggggh, I don’t want to join a team–I want to skip the hard parts and find myself with cute Tuesday night plans that involve curling up on someone’s couch with a sparkling beverage while we admire their dog and overanalyze texts from crushes.

I want to hang out in someone’s backyard; to have people who I know will want to walk around the lake or go thrifting or see what we can make if we take scissors to our clothes.

[via @emmapenrose]

My name is Krista, I’m an adult, and I am learning and working on myself and growing a lot this year, and I am willing to say it:

I am not entirely sure I know how to make new, solid, queer friends without dating my way in, at least in the beginning.

[via @swoon_scream]

How do you find your ghey friend group?


  1. I know the feels! I always rely on my S/O's to accessory me into friendships. But you're right, are they really the type of friendships that you want? Then again, queer world is so teeny tiny. It happens eventually.

  2. What took you SO long? I kept checking back to see when you would post and having to close the tab, heart in hand, when I found no new post. This is such a treat though, I forgive you. Or has that been your plan all along? To ration the amount of Krista we get, so whatever little comes our way, we are grateful? Is that it?

    Moving on. Tequila HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE ANSWER. Just one shot and I'm dancing like I invented dancing. Best of luck with finding friends...I hope you get friends without having to fuck anyone. But we're still not discounting that. Yet.

    Twitter helps me. But that's because being ghey is illegal here.

    Oh, sorry about the mugging incident too.

  3. I have found success meeting new friends by endeavoring to enjoy new hobbies, common interests and all. I joined bookclubs, sports teams, went to poetry slams regularly. Find the things you like to do, do them with gusto, and make friends who also like to do those things! Also, I have met friends through Tinder, which sounds weird maybe, but I have a new BFF who contacted me because we had a mutual who was her then BFF. Anyway, hope to see you out in MPLS and maybe become your new BFF.

  4. Haah thank god, now I can stop staring sadly into nothing as I refresh

    Man if you figure out how to make queer friends w/o shagging somebody, let me know. I'd love to eat quinoa salad at someone's BBQ without suffering flashbacks of extremely dirty things I've said to someone else's current ladypal.

    1. I completely agree. I moved to the cities and for the first time had to make a whole new group of friends since kindergarten. It's not quite as endearing when you are 30 and asking people "will you be my friend?" I have no interest in a relationship as I am married to a lady and I still struggle to make queer friends.

  5. Join bookclubs! We've got a million queer book clubs in the Twin Cities!

    1. Tell me about these queer book clubs!

  6. I'm in the same boat!! Just moved, etc. Thanks for this I love your writing <3

  7. You are sooo funny! Thank you for lighting up my life!

  8. I AM SO THRILLED YOU ARE BACK!!! When I was first coming into my queerness two of my best queerfriends, who have been featured on your blog no less!, showed me this masterpiece of a blog! I too have just moved to a new city and am trying to navigate my way into queer social circles, and break my trend of having mostly cis-hetero friends. Best of luck to you and me, and anyone else out there who is doing the same!

  9. Making friends is something I really struggle with, acquaintances are straightforward, but real friendships are like panning for gold. Its wonderful to have you back and writing about something so relatable... and queer.. and scary, but also potentially awesome.

  10. Welcome back Krista! I am in awe of your anti-mugging prowess.

    I'm about to be in the same boat - I've moved a lot but always had a core group of friends & lady queeyaahz. Unfortunately, my 3-year relationship just ended and I am moving 1,000 miles away to Seattle, where I lived many many years ago and now I have to try and learn how to be social again, to find dates and friends. Ack!

    I've found success meeting people doing physically-oriented activities. I've volunteered at gardening groups, taken local community classes for tapestry weaving, bee keeping, and bike know, normal 21st century activities. Even if it doesn't lead to immediate friendships, it can be really low-stakes way to meet new people around a shared group activity. It's harder for me to strike up conversations with a group when I'm solo, so a physical activity is a great equalizer!

    That being said, I've met my best adult friends through my jobs. Ugh. I'm planning to look for some activity that is consistent, so your friendship has a little time to develop, without immediately being like "omg no wait come back what's your instagram tho?!?"

    Best of luck to everyone! Krista, please keep us posted, I think this is such an important thing to share now that us young people move around so much.


      Group of Seattle queers who organize little skill workshops, volunteering, outings, etc.

      Good luck in the move. Don't let the freeze get you down!

    2. Thank you for the tip! Group request sent :) As a quick update, I've made a few friends out here, some through a class to get my motorcycle license back in August. Flash forward to making out with one of those motorcycle friends yesterday. There is hope, y'all!!!

  11. I have always wondered this. It seems like every time I go to a queer event..every girl is every girls best friend's ex-girlfriend or ex girlfriends best friend. Every one gives you a blank stare if they don't already know you.

  12. Yes! I can totally relate to this. And have been thinking about it again recently. What someone else said above--how acquaintances come easy, but real friends are like panning for gold--I totally agree with that. And even moreso with finding good, solid queer friends, since there are already fewer of us.

    I've had some luck making queer friends (and friends generally) through queer Meetup groups, and then through their friends. Also through an activity group--I ride my bike a lot, and got involved with social bike rides in the Bay area. Also book clubs, etc. But still I've struggled with moving beyond "you're my acquaintance" to "OMG we totally click and we're going to be besties" with the majority of them.

    I've moved a lot too, and am actually thinking of moving to the Twin Cities. but if/when I move, not looking forward to starting totally over with that process again.
    I'm glad you updated the blog (!), and I'm glad you were OK with the attempted-mugging. That's cute of Pyrex with the lunch containers.

  13. i, too, just moved back to the twin cities (after 4 years in the pacific nw). just today i joined a few queer facebook groups and i'm part of some queer meetup groups (mind you i have yet to attend any meetups...), but this shit is HARD - especially as a socially anxious introvert.
    maybe i'll try the book club route...
    glad you're back!

  14. Jesus dude. I can't believe you're back. I remember reading these almost religiously years back when I was just starting to realize that I was gay. I literally am half naked because in the middle of getting ready I was like "Shit I gotta find that one queer blog wtf was it called" thank God for Google. Although I could stand to be without a million searches of "lesbian blog" in my history. I'm glad you're back dude. I could use some older gay advice (gaydvice if you please) in my barely-18-recently-broken-up-with life

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. Nobody's asking the important question here: WHO IS THIS AMAZING INTUITIVE and how can I too get my life read?

  17. 1. OH WOW YOUR BLOG IS BACK- this got me through all of my early tender babygay years and I am so delighted to read your words again!

    2. The last time I had to make new friends, I joined a gay orchestra (oldest lgbt orchestra in the nation, heyyyyy MPO). So not to be all “join a club”, but Minneapolis does have hella fun queer group activities that are way less soul sucking than trying to make friends at a dance night.

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  22. I'm also a lesbian blogger but I just started. Any tips or anything that you would recommend? I love your writing style.
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