Friday, May 5, 2017

Getting to Know You

Hi faggettes!

How’s it going?

It’s SPRIIIING here in Minneapolis and Tawnya has been outside for days, ripping out the dead weeds in the backyard and building a fenced-in enclosure for my baby rabbits, Timothy Maxwell Thumperton and Stevie Wonderbun, to romp in.

[isn't our garden cute??]

Wait, did I ever even tell you that I have two rabbits now instead of just one?
I didn’t!

OK well: A couple of years ago, Timmy was showing signs of being lonely and I’d been thinking about getting another rabbit to give him company. In the meantime, my ex adopted a little fluffball of a baby bun to live with her.
(Pet rabbits are magic and also contagious.)

We introduced them to each other one day and they fell hopelessly, helplessly in love.

Now Stevie lives with Timmy and they spend hours lying on the floor just like this, arguing over which Netflix series to watch and whose turn it is to sweep up the snacks they spilled.

Also, here’s Stevie as a baby, so you can understand that Timmy’s heart never stood a chance.

So! It’s warm out at last and I’ve been startlingly busy—writing new pieces (another NYT article went up! and the Rookie Podcast went live!), pitching new places with article ideas, and working my full-time copywriting day job, which I don’t even hate.

My coworkers are nice, I have a sunny private desk, and I can even can walk to work—it’s exactly three miles each way, past blooming crepe myrtle trees.  

My life is light-years away from what it was just a few months ago, gheys.

[via alivetillthe-end]

It's been a great and happy month (apart from the horrific shit that's happening in the news) and I feel like my world is expanding.

I’ve been working on saying “yes” to more things, even when I privately think, “This activity sounds like way less fun than being in my house and watching Harlots with my roommates.”

Other than work (writing) and after-hours work (writing), the other thing that’s keeping me ~ambitiously scheduled~ is dating.

Lots of dating.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, sluts, but I’m regularly dating a couple. As in, going out with two dykes who are solidly partnered and also dating me.
I understand that lots of people do this, but I never have.

Dating a couple makes me feel like a kid who loves reading about bulldozers standing in front of a construction site, seeing a bulldozer in real life for the first time.

Dating a couple is both great and...odd. I’m used to flirting (lol “flirting”) with one person at a time, and it’s kind of tricky to sit across a restaurant booth from two different cuties with two entirely different personality types and flirt with both of them simultaneously.

I mean, I’m up for the challenge.
There’s plenty of awkward to go around, y’all.

We’ve all been dating—really dating, going on giddy outings and having private one-on-one dates and making out—since December.

But you know what we haven’t done yet?
We haven’t had sex.
Four months of dating, qweeahs.
Four months of dating without sex, even once.
It’s like being Mormon all over again.

There has been no sex because we are “taking it slow,” at their request.
I’m serious.
We’re taking it slow the way glaciers carve continents.
Slow like a mountain being worn away by a drip of water.

This slow-taking has been a difficult concept for me to grasp, because for me, historically, “taking it slow” has meant “waiting until the second date, or at least until dinner is over on the first date.”
The level of taking it slow that we’re playing with here is a whole new world for me. A world I have no experience in.
It’s all so new.

And you gays, it’s…fun.
It's really fun.

I’m tightly wound.
I’m backed up.

I’m at the point that if one of them is lightly touching one of their knees to mine under the restaurant table, I’m made out of stars, all electric, on high alert.

One of them touched my boob during a makeout and I was like “I HAVE NEVER FELT MY BOOB BEFORE.”

My heart was pounding.
I had to steady myself against the wall.
Sex at the nursing home is gonna be LIT.

This whole situation has gotten me thinking. Why is this the first time in my life I’ve ever actually taken it slow in a relationship? Why is this the first “long courtship” (lmao I sound like a Duggar) I’ve ever experienced?
Both members of this couple I’m dating love to do this—reeeeeealllly draw out the period of time before sex happens.

It’s fetish-level, and it’s the opposite of anything I’ve ever experienced. It has literally never occurred to me that not doing it right away—building up an intense level of anticipation—could also be sexy.

[via omenmag]

One of the dykes in the couple is slowly dating someone else in this exact manner, too, and that person coined a term for what’s going on here: chasterbation.
Isn’t that good?

And isn’t this weird? Who would have ever thought that not having sex right away could feel kinky as fuck?
I hate to admit it, but I’m learning something about myself though this wildly chaste couple-dating situation: I’ve never given myself even a second to breathe between sex partners.

Sex partners, hell—I’ve never given myself any time between partners in general.  

Maybe, maaaaybe I’ve forgotten what dating actually is: a way to get to know someone.

[via totallylesbians]

There are pros and cons to each system, I guess.

When you have sex immediately, you know what you’re working with in bed, which is crucial. But! (if you’re me), you also maybe get a little blinded by the ::haze of sex:: to a new crush’s actual personality.

Like sure, she’s horrible at regular life tasks such as doing chores, holding down a job, and shopping for/cooking food, but hey, you’re so deliciously sore from getting fucked that you can hardly pee without shrieking!

[via deejay-life]

And so you continue onwards, cheerfully entering a new relationship with a cute person, dizzy from orgasms and lack of sleep... and then you blink hard, four months later, when you suddenly realize: y'all have major problems when you're not physically touching each other's genitals.

Wait, how much do you actually know, compatibility-wise, about this person you can’t stop fucking who is now your girlfriend?

Uh-oh. You’re in a relationship founded on good sex and...hang on, not much else.

Welcome to my reality.
Come in, take off your shoes, let’s get comfy.

I can’t believe it’s taken me this many years to figure out this particular pattern of mine.

Dating is about getting to know someone over time.

Dating does not necessarily have to always be about getting as much incredible sex as you can handle and then trying to force its source into being a good partner for you.

I’m not saying that taking it as slow as I’m going with the couple is the answer (because this is an outrageous amount of time and yet I’m still very interested for scientific purposes), but! Maybe I should do a bit more probing (yes) into what someone’s personality is really like before sleeping with them and then deciding they’re fantastic because they can do that thing with their tongue.

[via childmagazine]

Lotta things for a slut like me to think about!

Hope you all have days that keep slowly getting warmer!


  1. I find it fascinating that you consider more than 3 months really slow and I find that really fast.

    But queer dating is really weird. There is all this is she gay? does she like me? does she "like me" like me? is this a coffee! date or coffee date!? are we dating yet or still just friends, etc?

    Is sleeping together the gay girl way of actually saying "Yes, I like you! Yes! This is a date! Yes! YES!" so that they don't have to guess what is going on?

  2. JUST removed myself from a sticky (heh) sex-on-the-first-date/hooking up situation where I immediately caught feelings (bc sexcitement) but then realized like the THIRD time we had an actual conversation that us dating would be a train-wreck disaster so...I feel ya, haha. Thanks for this post!

  3. I used to do something very similar: I'd basically have sex with anyone who seemed like a nice person and who expressed sexual interest in me. This led me to have so much sex with people to whom I wasn't. actually. attracted. So much lackluster sex. What the hell, 20-24 year old me? What were you doing? My new rule is that if the thought of just making out with a potential partner doesn't make me excited, I probably shouldn't sleep with them to make sure I am in fact not attracted to them. You will not magically develop attraction to them as soon as their clothes are off! Probably the exact opposite! Anyway, I'm super into my current partner and the sex is awesome, so I'm glad I figured that out.

  4. just a complete side note... I have noticed the amount of moose photos you use. I felt you should know lol

  5. "Dating does not necessarily have to always be about getting as much incredible sex as you can handle and then trying to force its source into being a good partner for you.“ I literally said ‘god damn it’ out loud when I read that. Yeah.

  6. Thank you for this wonderful piece! Amazing perspective. Bonus 100000000 points for the Duggar reference! Side hugs and chaperoned phone calls for all! <3 <3

  7. Twooooooo bunnnays!?!? YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Oh my. You've made me a happy queer. I believe I will continue reading the words you've written on this blog of yours. But slowly. Over time. Extended pleasure.

    - an invisible femme of color from Oakland, CA.

  9. YEEESSS SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK! I missed you. Also, dating a couple would be so fucking sexy. I'm jealous and excited and stuff.

  10. Did we lose her again? Come back!

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