Sunday, March 31, 2013

Boxes of All Sizes

[thanks Randi B.]

How's it goin', clit whisperers?

Everything is lovely here. 
So calm.

As I write this, I have a roast going in the Crock-Pot, almond milk yogurt going in the yogurt maker (yes! I am that dyke!), and a bunneh quietly nibbling tiiiiiny little cabbage wraps stuffed with parsley and cilantro. 

[Anything for Mr. Maxwell]

My apartment is clean. 

There are fresh sheets on the bed and the wood floors have been swiffered and the dishes are done and the bathroom sink isn't all grimy. There's a new cake of soap in the shower and there are groceries in the fridge. 

Three Virgin of Guadalupe candles are flickering on my windowsill.  

Dolly Parton is singin' on the record player. 

I'm slowly eating my way through a sack of clementines, eating eaaaaaach lil' clemmie segment by segment. 

Yesterday, I even successfully made my own dairy-free Nutella

Y'allfags, I (very suddenly) have a lot more time, and it's both a good and a bad thing. 

Good:  I have more time to work on Rookie articles and writing projects, more time to hang out with friends and suss out cute queerfolk gatherings and keep my house clean and actually do my laundry!

Bad:  I have this time because...CJ took a job in Minneapolis

And she moved there. A few weeks ago. 

[Midgeon P. Bundlesworth did not want help to pack up]

Remember when I said I was freaking out about stuff in my life?  This was part of the freaking out:/

Now don't anybody get their boyshorts in a twist; we're still datin', and we still see each other pretty often, and this gives me an excuse to go to Minneapolis—the greenest, prettiest, best, dykiest city in Amurrica— more often, but still. 

It's confusing. 

I'm settled in Chicago now. I'm real tired of moving. 

CJ is likewise settling into Minneapolis —for the permanent, forseeable future— and she's really, really tired of moving. 

What, um, does that mean?

I can't really think about it very much right now. 
I'm trying not to. 

[via dapperanddandy]

Also, I am suddenly making myself dinner more often than not, and it is not going well.  

It turns out that you can only chop onions extremely rapidly and perfectly like they do on Iron Chef if you know some kind of trick.

There was also a whimsical mixup where, when making a curry dish, I used cinnamon powder from an unmarked plastic bag instead of garam masala powder.
**insert trills of gay laughter**

[see? if you have a stuffy nose you can't tell which one it is, either]

For the most part, though, my cooking mistakes have all been very manageable up until about a week ago. 

Then, last Saturday, I accidentally knocked a whole carafe of olive oil down the burner-holes of my stove. 

After dancing around with paper towels going, "fuckfuckfuck!" for a few seconds, I ended up getting lazy and just wiping the top of the stove off, forgetting about all the oil inside the stove.

Two days later, I lit the burners.

Visits to your local burn unit aside, living on your own can actually be pretty good.  

My time is suddenly all mine. 
Everything at my house stays clean when I clean it. 
I get to date other people and still have lots of guaranteed alone time. 

Things'll work themselves out. 

For now, I'm just trying to adjust to the new situation. 

Now! We've just changed our clocks, haven't we, tricks?  

The snowdrops and daffodils are poking their shy heads from the new-thawed ground and the little lambs are baaaahing all knock-kneed and the Easter Bunny is about to bring my ass about a thousand discounted Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs the day after Easter, so what does all that mean...?

Why, it's Spring, the season of new starts and rebirth!

Just as duckies are pecking their way out of their confining shells, every lesbiqueer in the land is sniffing the rich, earthy smell of the soil as it warms in the sun, thinking:

"Gosh, it sure is nice to feel the sunshine again—I can't wait to get my bike out. Are those birds? God, it's been so long since I heard birds... I swear to christ I just heard Solange blasting from that car's open window, fuck yes. Hey, look at that! Buds on the trees!" 

and then, for reasons that defy science to this day, jumping directly from those peaceful springtime thoughts to: 

"You know, it sure is stupid that I spend almost every night at my girlfriend's house but I still pay rent on my apartment."


That is the exact, scientific pattern of the thoughts we ladygays have in late March/early April. (It took researchers years of transcribing and paid brain studies to record this split-second synapse.)  

[thanks Susie]

No one knows how we as a people annually make that thought-jump, but make it we do.

As predictable as the seasons themselves, it's the start of the Annual Dyke Moving Season!  Hoooraaaay! 

So, today we're finally talking about one of the most epic and persistent stereotypes about lesbians ever—U-Haul lesbians

[via feministdating]

Ohhhh c'mon.  Don't be like that.  

I really want to talk about this. 
I can't believe we never have. 

I mean, there are articles about U-Haul lesbians and lezzers who make fun of U-Haul lesbians and lots of lesbiqueers who insist that they aren't U-Haul lesbians, but somehow, U-Haulin' keeps mysteriously happening to the queers that surround us all.

[thanks Yaara]

And what is a U-Haul lesbian? 
(asks maybe someone? from another country? who is new to being queer and/or totally removed from queer culture?)

A U-Haul lesbian is a dyke who moves in with her current lover after only dating for a short amount of time. 

[thanks Miranda]

An alarmingly short amount of time. 
An amount of time that makes the dyke-in-question's friends gasp.

Anywhere from, say, a few weeks to juuust shy of twelve months. 

I mean, we've all heard the joke, right?

Q: What does a lesbian bring to the second date?

A: A U-Haul.

HA HA HA *barfs*

[via streets-are-uneven]

Not only is this the oldest lesbian joke stings a bit because it has juuuuust the teensiest ring of truth. 

People joke about lezzers moving in with each other way too early  for a reason—it's often kind of true. 

We do it.  
It happens a lot in real life. 

[thanks Rose]

And I don't know about you all, but this is a conversation I have on the regular with friends in newish relationships:

Friend: Soooo guess what? 

Me: What? 

Friend: Tell me what you think, but I think I'm going to ask Danni/Kym/Jess/current-girlfriend-of-several-months if she wants to move in with me!

Me: I think that's a horrible idea.

Friend: Uggh I knew you'd say that. I don't know why I'm even telling you. 

Sluts, it's true. I admit it. 
I am a known wet blanket when it comes to supporting my friends who are U-Hauling. 

It's because I can't with this shit anymore.
I just can't. 

People don't like when they ask you for your opinion and it doesn't match theirs, though, so lately I've been trying harder to just go "Ooooh hoooommm ahhh" and nod wisely when someone tells me they're moving in with their new girlfriend. 

Otherwise I'll have no friends left, and then who would I go for tacos with?

[did you know kangaroos lie like this? me either.]

But fuckit—this is the internet and no one ever feels repercussions in their real lives from something they said on the internet, right? 

So here goes: 

DYKES! HEAR ME! Moving in with someone you've been dating for less than, say, a year, is a horrible idea.  

Almost always. 

It's none of my fucking business what y'allfags do, obviously, but it iiiiiiis, thoughbecause I love you and I want your new relationship to be beautiful and lovely and happy and I want you two to work out. 

I do. 
I want you queermos to kiss each other in selfies and put that shit on facebook. 

[Ricky and Stephanie haaaay do you like each other? <3>

I want you to post disgustingly cute Instagrams of the heart-shaped pancakes one of you makes the other on Valentine's Day. 
In my heart of hearts, I wish mind-blowing fuck sessions and adorable pillow talk and barfy secret animal nicknames upon you, along with snuggling and movies and brunch and inside jokes and holding hands with your partner while walking on a crisp autumn day. 

[thanks Yaara]

This is what I hope for you faggettes, and this is why I must rail against U-Haulin'. 

But best believe: I get it. I really do. 

You love your girl/boifriend, and you've been dating for awhile now with practically no problems. Y'all are basically perfect together. 

No fights, not much drama, you're over there all the time anyway, and sorry, but have you seen them? Danni/Kym/Jess/current-lover-of-several-months is sooooo fucking cute, my GOD. 

[thanks pillowtalkmpls]

Why wouldn't you want to go to sleep with them every night and wake up every day with them? Why wouldn't you revel in the fact that you're coming home every evening from work to the cutest person in the world, who will help make dinner and then let you pick the Netflix and fuck you senseless and then sleep naked while spooning you?  

[thanks yaara]

It's really hard to find an awesome girlfriend in this town.  
You need to lock that shit down.
I know, I know. 

But hunnybun.  Cutie pie.  Darling-of-my-heart:  Don't do it. 

Don't move in with your lovah if you've only been dating for three or four or five or seven months. 

It will most likely fuck with your relationship and you will probably break up from the stress of it, unless you're a couple in a million. 

And maybe you were meant to break up in the long run anyway, but moving in early makes things a hundred times worse.

A new relationship is not ready for the responsibility and day-to-day work that living together entails. 

[thanks Margo L.]

A new relationship is at the point in the love story where you and your new sweetie get to stare at each other in coffeeshops when you should be working on the computer and fuck each other in cars because you can't wait to get upstairs and take each other out on elaborately impressive dates and really miss each other when one of you goes home. 

[thanks Lauren and Adrienne]

Moving in together prematurely ages your relationship. 

When you move in together early, you suddenly have to deal with Life Shit like paying bills and rent and whose turn it is to buy milk and cat food. Suddenly, at the same time, you're also finding things out about your lover that you didn't know at all or that you maybe find...kind of annoying. 

Like maybe she clips her fingernails in the sink but then doesn't wash them down the drain. 

Maybe s/he doesn't, um, ever do the dishes. 

Maybe she has a dog she loves but you're finding out she's actually pretty bad about taking care of it, and suddenly, because you feel guilty about the poor dog who never gets let's basically your dog now. 



It's entirely possible that, given more time to just date, you would have discovered that:

a) some of these things (omg the poor dog!) are dealbreakers,  or 

b) you love this person enough to work through the annoying things. 

We'll never know which one it would have been now, though, will we? 

[thanks Zoe D.]

You are now forced make a decision that actually needed a lot more time—how well do you work with this person? Do you want to move forward or move out? 

If you want to move forward in the relationship, you need to work out and deal with the things that are driving you crazy about living with your partner. 
And you may not have had enough conflict in your relationship yet to know how to, um, deal with conflict in your relationship.

But if you want to move out...the relationship is most likely gonna be over. 

Because you live together, there is no breathing room for not being sure. 

[thanks Emily S!]

You can't just continue to date your lover, finding things out about them slowly, and making a decision about them after knowing how you two mesh and what you're getting into. 

It's all in or get off the boat. 

[thanks Rose S.]

And new relationships don't need that kind of pressure. 
They tend to crack under the strain. 

I submit this incredibly legitimate study to you as proof:

Every gayelle friend I have ever had who moved in with her girlfriend before they'd been dating for at least a no longer with her girlfriend. 

With no exceptions.
(And I know a lot of lesbians.)

But! But! 

You have good reasons for moving in! 

You're sure it will work for you! 
You and your girl are so right together, and I'm an overgeneralizing asshole! 

You have arguments!
[thanks Wynn]

And here they all are, in no particular order! 

1) We're going to move in together after only dating a few months because...

"It's cheaper to live together! We'll be saving money."

Aww, how romantic are you?

Gheys, I get it. The economy is bad. We're young and/or we have shitty jobs. But if the sole reason you're moving in with your girlfriend is to save money? Not only is this the most unromantic thing ever, but jesus, haven't you ever heard of roommates? 

Save your relationship.  Live with friends. 
Or non-creepy strangers from Craigslist roommate ads. 

Anyone but your sweet girlfriend of four months. 

[Thanks Victoria! From findingsnooze]

2) We're going to move in together after only dating a few months because...

"I'm over there every night anyway, it's stupid to have my own place too, and I'm sick of living out of a bag."

Yes.  You are dating someone new.  That means you will be over at their place a lot. They will be over at yours. This does not make your place useless—it serves a distinct function in that it is your place, a living situation separate from your new lover's. 

The thrill of being in someone's unfamiliar space is part of dating someone new. Maybe get a toothbrush at your girlfriend's house and calm down, honeybear?

Traveling back and forth between houses is admittedly inconvenient, but you know what's more inconvenient?  

Breaking up with someone you signed a year-long lease with when you only knew them for five months beforehand. 

[thanks Britt]

3) We're going to move in together after only dating a few months because...

"We love each other soooo much. We're meant to be."

This is adorable and sweet and so, so hopeful.  
How cute is it that it was love at first sight and you're totally fated to be with this person you've only spent a handful of blissful weeks with? 

You're doomed. 

[thanks Blake! eyesatme]

4) We're going to move in together after only dating a few months because...

"We're such good friends, we'd be great roommates even if we ever broke up!"

Nope.  No, you're not.  And no, you wouldn't be.  

If you and your new lover were friends to begin with, or consider yourselves friends and lovers, then the process of breaking up and moving out should (fairly neatly) take care of that. 

Even if you two can somehow manage to continue living together after breaking up, it will be awkward. as. fuck. for the next few months. 

[thanks Sarah T.]


Actually, the only reason I can possibly think of that could possibly be a winning argument for moving in early with someone is:

5) "It's an emergency."

Things happen, mos. 

Girlfriends of six months that you're completely in love with suddenly lose their jobs and have no savings. 

Your new girlfriend's dad gets sick and the only way she can afford to keep flying back and forth to take care of her dad is if she gets rid of her apartment. 

You get sick, really sick, and your lover of seven months moves in to help take care of you because you can't move back in with your parents.

Of course things happen. And sometimes moving in together is the best of the few possible solutions. But in that case, you're only doin' it because you have to, and you do it with your eyes open, knowing that it could strain your relaysh. 

[thanks pillowtalkmpls]

Now, I'm sure there are some of you faggettes out there who moved in together prematurely, and it worked out fiiiine. (There have to be, or else why would dykes keep U-Hauling alive, the fine and thriving tradition that it is today?)  

It must have worked out for someone somewhere. 

[thanks OISHIIMOMO and Liza]

But—at the risk of sounding like a True Love Waits teen purity rally—what, gayelles, is so wrong with just dating?  
Getting to know someone thoroughly before jumping whole-hog into Living Together

It can only help a relationship for both people to know exactly what they're getting into.

[thanks Maria J.]

And think about how exciting it will be to move in together when you do decide to do it. 

There's nothing like that first walk through IKEA, friends.


Lesbiqueers.  Mine is not the only opinion out there. 

U-Hauling:  Anyone got something to say? 


  1. I almost got a heart attack when I saw that you have actually posted a new article. In a positive way. A very positive way.
    Damn, the whole thing with CJ really sucks but hey, you might learn how to cook... Lame argument.

    Have I commented before? Or do I look like a stalker now? >.> Whatever. Stalkers are cool.

    I can't comment on the U-Hauling because I have zero experience in the dating world but I might ask you for a favour because the two times I was gonna e-mail you I suddenly realised I have no balls.
    Can you post something on how to distinguish a sporty tomboy from a sporty dyke? Or something like that? The mannerisms are the same, the smirk for some reason is there, too, most of the stereotypes are fulfilled yet my gut says she's straight. Gut VS Signs

    1. Oh, PLEASE do that? I play on so many sports teams, I'm rather tired of wasting so much time pursuing the straight ones. (Though I suppose its true that deep down, I know they're straight, and I do it anyways.) But hey, it'd be a cool entry.

    2. A good way is for Tegan and Sara to do a gig in your town. Then you realise that 5 out of 7 of the people on your college's women's soccer team are going. :D :D

    3. I have to laugh because I was listening to Tegan And Sara when I read your comment...

    4. In general gut > signs. Flip this around; you know how you just KNOW some ladies are lezzies even if they look stereotypically straight? Some times the stereotypical "dykes" really are straight.

      Life is beautiful and annoying with all its shades of gray.

  2. I pretty much lived with my girlfriend for a long time in college. We never officially moved in together though--she just stopped being over at her place and was always over at mine (I had a better location close to campus). It worked, but it probably worked because it was unofficial--and she kept paying for her place and always had somewhere to go back to, in case. If you get in a fight with your roommate, you're pretty screwed since you can't run somewhere to cool off or get away. If you get in a fight with your lover (even more likely and more disastrous) it's even worse. You're trapped with them. That's why I made sure my girl had a place to stay at anyway. Even if it was empty.

    I mean, I totally, seriously agree with this article. I don't mind if my partner moves in with me, but they'd better still have a place of their own. Otherwise we're both seriously screwed.

  3. My refusal to u-haul before the 12 month mark actually sparked the end of one relationship for me. We both had stable but unsatisfactory housing, and my feelings were pretty much the above, preferring to stick it out with my tedious roommates and let the relationship get stronger. She thought this meant I had commitment issues/didn't trust her/didn't love her - it spiralled from there.

    Just to take things waaaay to the other side of the spectrum, I've seen successful long-term relationships where partners don't ever move in together. My current roommate has been with her boyfriend for over 5 years, but they don't want to live together, they have no interest in that at all. Also, I knew a couple who were married over 30 years who lived apart but were still very much together. They raised 3 kids, saw each other often and would stay at each others' residences (one house, one houseboat) but each just needed a space of their own.

  4. Well, just to represent the exception to the rule, my lady lover and I moved in together after I think around 7 or 8 months. Of course extenuating circumstances. We had been together before, with a rather quick and rocky end. Our relationship was long distance (she was still at Uni, I was working a six hour train journey away). We originally planned on moving to London with a friend and having our own rooms, but when my job feel through we ended up at her Dad's in Wales because unemployed plus distance is no fun. Now we are living together in Berlin and are coming up on a year and a half. I do not regret moving in together and we have been for nearly six months.

    I am very sorry to hear about you and CJ. I love reading about you guys, so hope it continues to work. I mean, that isn't the reason I hope it least not the only reason!

  5. Supposedly Ellen and Portia did it. They were both with other people, they moved out of those houses and right in with each other. And look at them now!

    1. granted, it's easier to live together in harmony when you can pay someone to do all the cooking and cleaning...

  6. Weeeeelllll.... How about this: You move in with your current (and still girlfriend) before either of you have even decided whether she's your girlfriend or not... mostly because her HUSBAND (the guy she was living with.. in this house actually..still a little weird), and partner for 10 years, introduced you, pointed out your mutual attraction and then (it really is his own damn fault) pushed himself out of his relationship with her by trying to push himself into ours. He moves out, leaving pretty girl alone with a house she couldn't afford, with dogs and cats, and various emotional scars from what turns out to be a pretty horrible relationship with him... It was and still is tough at times.. borders on ridiculous in the story telling... but has so far been pretty fucking amazing a year and half into living together... Still all giggly pillow talk and hand holding mixed with the whole we just 'talked about money why would you buy that', and kind of sprinkled with trying to patient while she still deals with a long term relationship ending relatively recently. Its fucking wacky. Its also really fucking good. Weird.

  7. I definitely agree with Krista's general rule.... but actually my gf and I had signed a lease together *before* we actually started dating-- and have since been living together for almost 3 years now!

    True- we were very good friends before. and it's no understatement to say things have been rocky. But worth it and still in love & having better sex ;)

    1. We were college roommates and lived together for almost a year before we started shagging. Seventeen years, one kid, and a lot of bumps in the road later, we're still at it.
      But do as Krista says and not as I do...

  8. waiting is a good idea. also, I know we don't talk about this here much, I insisted my girl go to couple's counseling with me when we moved in together (we'd been dating for a year and a half by the time we started cohabitating, I was finishing grad school and didn't have a job, was gonna either move in with her or my mom) because it is fucking intense. living together is no joke. and it was really hard at first! We had big crying fights in the parking lot of ikea! But we are still living together two years later, and we got a sweet dog, and we are talking about getting hitched, and all that mushy stuff. but seriously though. we have had pointless arguments about bullshit like how to fold the towels. and my heart is absolutely in it to win it, which is why we keep it up, but there's no reason to hang around for bullshit bickering if your heart's not in it and it's no fun at all.

    1. Hate to break it but bullshit bickering is par for the course! You gotz to figure your way past it or it's gonna happen in every relationship you ever have :) I'm sure your couple's counsellor told you that, and if not, "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks will put everything in perspective ;)

  9. Sorry to hear about you and CJ. Hope it works out!
    So many cuties in those pics! Quick question about Zoe D: is she French? She looks French.
    I wish we had those girls' blogs along with their pics, I sometimes wanna know more...

  10. I have done the "it's an emergency" thing. After 3 months. Maybe it's just me but I feel like this tends to fuck things up too.
    It wasn't your decision.
    It often leads to resentment (at least if you were excited about having your own space, well that plans shot to hell now, thanks, why did you have to get yourself kicked out of your parents house? )
    The weekends you don't leave bed and just fuck like rabbits are pretty fun...
    Meh. I don't know, ladies.
    By the wsy Krista, True Love Waits has upped the ante. Now it's "don't date because you want to be an EMOTIONAL virgin when you get married, sit around like sleeping beauty and wait for god to bring your prince to you." I'm not shitting you, I just paraphrased a legitimate song lyric from an old CD I had in high school. Aren't we glad we're on this side of the fence now?

    1. Barlow Girl- or Superchik? Ha! I had that cd too! But I think it worked....I didn't really date- my wife is the only person I've ever 'dated' and we've been together seven years- so Barlow girl would be proud! Well.... Except for the whole 'she's a girl, I'm a girl' thing....

  11. I have done the "it's an emergency" thing. After 3 months. Maybe it's just me but I feel like this tends to fuck things up too.
    It wasn't your decision.
    It often leads to resentment (at least if you were excited about having your own space, well that plans shot to hell now, thanks, why did you have to get yourself kicked out of your parents house? )
    The weekends you don't leave bed and just fuck like rabbits are pretty fun...
    Meh. I don't know, ladies.
    By the wsy Krista, True Love Waits has upped the ante. Now it's "don't date because you want to be an EMOTIONAL virgin when you get married, sit around like sleeping beauty and wait for god to bring your prince to you." I'm not shitting you, I just paraphrased a legitimate song lyric from an old CD I had in high school. Aren't we glad we're on this side of the fence now?

  12. My fiance and I dated for two years before technically moving in together. The second year, we pretty much lived together but I still had a place of my own. We have now been together for almost 5 years, and I still love coming home to her.

    What we did was make sure the first place we got was a two bedroom. That way, we each still had our own spaces, if we wanted them. I think that was a good decision.

    Best of luck with you and CJ as well!

  13. P.S, you should post how to make that dairy free nutella!

  14. My partner and I were living together before we started dating and now we're married. She was the best housemate and my best friend then and she is still those things but now we share the bed and the cats. Ahh, love.

  15. My girlfriend and I were also roommates (in a very small dorm room) in college before we got together. And we had already signed an apartment lease together with two other roommates. Two years later and we're still very happily together! And living in an apartment, just the two of us. Extra roommates are hard, man.

  16. My fiance and I moved in together after two months of dating under the "emergency" category. We lived together for a little over a year, it was very hard sometimes, but there we SO many good times to balance that out. Now I'm here in SoCal working, she just moved to her Aunt's house in Connecticut to try to find a job and apartment so that I could join her and we could start an East Coast chapter of our life together. I cant wait for our UHaul Part Two!

  17. My partner and I moved in together after a short period of time (six months, I think?). We started off long distance, and knew that if we dated it would mean the hard work of being first long distance and then U-haul lesbians. We angsted, we decided, I showed up to our second date (which I had to fly to the midwest for) with a toy cable car that stood in for a Uhaul (did you know they don't make die-cast U-hauls? annoying). I think starting long distance really helped, actually- we had to spend a lot of time getting to know each other, getting to know a lot of the things that make doing the day-to-day difficult stuff worthwhile. And the fact that we camped across the country together as a prelude to moving in was a good idea. And the fact that we were already close before we started dating made a difference.

    But it hasn't been easy. And it has been complicated by the fact that my relationship before this one was extremely emotionally abusive- the process of committing to each other has been concurrent with my own work of learning to trust again.

    It helps that we laugh a lot, that we care for each other a great deal, that we find each other attractive even when we're gross, that we want similar things from life and from this relationship. We love each other, and we like each other, and we have been doing the painful and necessary work of being honest with each other about the things that drive us batty, the things we need, and the things that hurt.

    No future is certain (and does the success of a relationship need to be measured by how long it lasts?), but I'm glad we moved in, and I'm hopeful that this will stick.

    1. They do make die cast U-Hauls and stuffed one!! I happen to work for U-Haul... Yes I work for U-Haul and I'm a lesiban but not a U-Haul lesbian!

    2. They do make die cast U-Hauls? Oh man, that totally wouldn't be as funny two years later, though. *sigh*

  18. While I knew my (now wife) for a few years (in passing) we dated for less than a week before moving in together. We had both just ended relationships. I had a place and no stuff. She had stuff and no place. We have been together four years, have a child together, are legally domestically partnered and are planning our wedding for November. Does it work? Very, very rarely.....but it does work on rare occasion.

  19. I've uhauled loads of times. You'd think I'd have caught on that it wasn't working... or was it?

    I blame being the middle child of a large family, but I have never found living with a partner to be a great source of stress. It's far better than continually having to break to my delightful new partner that I don't have any free nights of the week to see them because I'll be working until midnight and up at 6am. Living with my partners has allowed us to become a team in a way that you just can't living separately.

    And though the endings get a little messy, I daresay we couldn't have realized we weren't working if we were just hanging out and dating without the partnership in our everyday lives. I like moving on when I realize the fundamental compatibility isn't really there.

    Love this one though... good food for thought. great advice.

  20. The only thing I have to say is that I agree with you 100%. I had a girlfriend that wanted me to move in with her after two weeks of dating. Two weeks isn't long enough to know ANYONE, especially someone you're in a relationship with and/or considering living with. I, at least, have to give our relationship a year. Or three. Since it feels like living together is the final step to forever, I would like to put that off for as long as possible. Until I'm sure. Absolutely. Sure.

  21. Can I post a "nopenopenope" gif here? Living with an SO is completely off the table for me. I need to be alone. A lot. I get resentful if I find that I don't have enough space. So nope. Not doing it.

  22. I moved in with my girl after 4 months of dating. We have lived together for 3 years now and are still going strong. I think your theory is flawed.

  23. I have a great idea...

    with your extra free time, you should start vlogging. Your videos will be awesome.


    1. actually... not necessarily vlogging...

      any type of videos are cool.

  24. My girlfriend, Jek, and I beat all the odds together. I'm 19, she's 33. I actually moved out of my mom's house because my mom didn't agree with the age difference and I wanted to continue dating her... I moved in with my ex (who assured me there were no left over feelings from our old relationship) so that I could date my current girlfriend. It wasn't long before I realized I couldn't stand my roommates I dated Jek for 2 months before moving in with her. She took me in even though I didn't have a car, job or GED. We've been together for a year now, survived 3 moves, the loss of a job, being poor as dirt, the death of my father, my mother's lack of support... And we wake up every morning laughing.

    I normally don't agree with U-Hauling but in my case I feel like at the time I was afraid that I was making a horrible mistake by moving in with her but in the end it really worked out well and made us very strong as a couple. It all depends on the couple but I'd like to think our situation is very rare.

  25. The girlfriend and I both happen to be homeless. I don't really want to U-haul, but as low paid, trans* folks,there aren't many other options. What keeps a relationship strong even while dealing with dirty laundry, different tastes in music, and borrowing each others socks?

  26. I am bi, and I've had a several relationships with women that have failed due to the U-Hauling phenomenon. I am for the first time involved with a man, and he sort of did the same thing without my noticing before my dresser was suddenly filled with his clothing. I think to some extent it is a generational thing. We're both in our early twenties, and he has dealt with the same thing in the past. I don't know if it's the poor parenting by my parent's generation that makes kids want to get out of the house and with someone they feel connected to, or if it is just the speed that relationships seem to move at now (I don't know if I just have an old soul, but I don't typically sleep with someone on the first night, nor do I say "I love you" in the first week).

    Personally, I agree with Krista. There's nothing that ruins new love quite like taking away all of th mystery.

  27. My girlfriend and I moved in together after about a month. It was mostly a convenience thing. I hated my housemates and she was sick of being a live in nanny in a house with twin babies. Two years later we still haven't had a proper argument ever and we have just bought our own home.

  28. For both the monetary and emergency reasons, my 'girlfriend' and I moved in together. I'd been living with her at her parent's for six months (cause shit hitteth the fan in my own home), but we hadn't been together at the start.

    Two years of a sexually tense friendship + sleeping together in a single bed every night = suddenly less sleep, more sex. Then I obviously needed to find somewhere of my own, she wanted to move out too. It made sense right? We already basically lived together. It would be easier to find just one room (well, that was actually true). We knew we could do it cause we already did.

    The day we moved into a sharehouse together, she stopped talking to me. Literally. For three days. We were sharing the same fucking bed!

    Needless to say it then became the situation of awkwardness and angst for months until I found someone to replace me rentwise and then left the country.

    Moral of the story bois and girls, is don't move in with the person you are sleeping with (in both senses of the word), unless you have sorted out all those commitment anxieties. Also, it would help if you were out about your relationship. That seems pretty obvious now, but in the haze of young love I thought everything would become fine and dandy on its own accord.

    p.s yay, cultural exchange! We may not have U-Hauls in Australia but we do have reclining kangaroos that are jus chillin bro!

  29. I realize we may be the exception and not the rule, but my lady and i moved in together after 5 months, and we will be celebrating year 3 in may :) We are getting ready to buy our first home, have 2 spoiled kitties, a 67lb lap dog, and have had maybe 3 omg-we're-both-hormonal-at-the-same-time-and-mad-for-no-reason fights EVER.

    sometimes it works :)

  30. I have absolutely nothing to add about the U-Hauling. I only lived with one girl and it took us 2.5 years to move in together and only about 3 months of living together to break up.

    I do want to help you with your onion situation. I recently learned how to chop onions really fast (okay like in less than 3 minutes). do it this way

    Then for the crying situation, drink a glass of ice water while you chop. It works. If you are really lazy or hate ice water, all you do is stick your head in the freezer when the tears start showing up. As my baby shampoo says, no more tears.

    1. The other really strange solution I learnt while working in a kitchen: chew gum.
      For some reason it helps. (note: I have only done so with mint flavour)

  31. I UHauled in my first relationship after just 2 months (she was living with her parents and took a job closer to my condo - BOOM - she moved in with me). She broke up with me 6 weeks later and didn't move her stuff out for another 5 months (if it had happened to me now, I would have just put her stuff out on the curb...I was younger and hopeful that we'd reconcile). My current lady and I moved in together after we'd been together just under a year and it is so incredibly wonderful. Everyday we talk about how thankful we are to be living together and sharing a home and a life together. One important thing, though, is that we got a 2-bedroom so we could each have our space. We lived in my 1-bedroom condo for a couple of months before we got this apartment and it was a little too small!

  32. By all means, don't UHaul. Sound advice. But... I met my wife twelve years ago. At the time, we lived about an hour apart. Six months later, she'd sold her house & car, quit her job and moved into my crappy one bedroom apartment. Sometimes you just know. We're still together.

  33. My girl and I moved in after 10 months and stayed together for 2 years before we split up. We were only split up for 2 months before we both came to our senses and there were other things affecting the relationship than living together. But this time round we are taking our time, dating, enjoying each other's company, eating dinner together and then going HOME to our own beds where we can stretch out and sleep and actually miss each other for a moment. I'm just glad we got a do-over, but I definitely agree that moving in before at LEAST a year (and actually I would say a lot more than that) is a very very bad idea!

  34. Alexx44, the only difference between "a sporty tomboy and a sporty dyke" is time. One already knows she likes girls, the other will when she's older ;)

  35. So every girl who goes to the gym or runs a marathon is a dyke? I highly doubt that.

    1. It was just a joke based on the very real fact that a lot of women 'discover' their sexuality at a later age and many women have same sex relationships when they get older, regardless of whether or not they identify as gay/a lesbian/bi.

    2. It was a pretty neat one, too. And a dream crusher. XD

      Also, there's a difference between someone who just goes to the gym and someone who can is kick-ass at football, basketball and can punch like it's nobody's business. The former is a woman interested in her fitness. The latter is usually a tomboy.

  36. Totally agree with you.

    I moved in together with my ex after 3 months of dating. Yes, three. On the first day in the new apartment I found out she didn't know how to clean the toilet. Or how to cook. In her opinion it just "wasn't something bois do".

    Living together was like... one big disaster. I am *cough* somewhat an anal personality, demanding quite a lot from myself as well as people around me, and my ex avoids any kind of responsibility like a disease. So we ended up spending our evenings separately: me at home, she at nightclubs.

    Nevertheless, we even got engaged, but broke up only one year after our first date. Looking back, I can't understand what brought us together in the first place. It's funny how great sex can make you loose your sense of judgment :D

  37. I'm totally anti-Uhaul, buttttt I did move in with my girlfriend about 2 months after dating. Everyone I dated before her tried to live with me and I ran screaming for the hills, but this lady was different. That was 2 years ago this month and it's awesome.

    Yea we piss each other off and have home pet peeves, and I still sometimes wish I didn't do it, but overall I love us living together.

  38. You seriously post specific topics at the exact time that they are happening in my life. This has happened a couple times now and it's freakin' me out. This happens to be one of them.

    My girlfriend just accepted a job in Charlotte, NC (she's from FL) and I will be helping her move there next week (I'm in MD). We've known each other for about 7 months, but didn't start dating 'til about 4 months ago. She's 36 and I'm almost 24. I will be moving in with her in November. That's less than a year of dating.

    I had lived with my ex-fiance for a little over a year to "save the relationship," but obviously that didn't work.

    So, with my new gal I am keeping a clear head on my shoulders and taking my time with my job and our finances and, although I want SO badly to move in with her now...I'm not doing it. I say, unless you've only known each other a couple weeks or even just a couple months...if you REALLY know what you're doing and you've thought everything through and ya'll fags are each others Cinderella's and you fucking' KNOW it...than go right ahead and UHAUL away!!

    By the way...we're renting a UHAUL when she moves next week. Hellz yeah!

  39. Funny sort-of related story. In college, I rented an apartment with a good friend. Want to know what is (possibly) just as awkward as breaking up with an ex and still being responsible for the lease? Realizing shortly after moving in that you're actually in love with your roommate/friend, finding out that she doesn't feel the same way, and then...still being responsible for the lease. That is also how I found out that the only way for me to get over inconvenient love is time and distance, neither one of which I had access to while still living with her. Cue extreme awkwardness. (And a resolution to avoid renting apartments with "friends" and stick to "casual acquaintances/non-creepy strangers." Much less messy for a demisexual.)

  40. I moved in with my first girlfriend after two weeks. We were planning to be roommates because she had just split from her husband.. and I think she spent 2 nights in her own room, ever. Weirdly it worked, despite me being 18, in my first relationship ever, and really clingy... we were together for 6 years.

    Then I moved in with my wife after a month, and we were engaged after 2 months, and we've been together 7 years so far and still going strong.

    In saying this, everyone else I've ever seen try it has failed really badly. I've scoffed every time friends say they're doing it, despite my success... because the thought of it succeeding is still pretty unbelievable

  41. Why do I feel that the pictures you choose are so clear at expressing your feelings towards your relationship-situation? I had to laugh at your u-hauling explanation. I am in fact reading from another country (switzerland) and had never heard of it, jus like you say. And I'm not even gay. My boyfriend moved with me and my invalide mom after 2 months. Soon it will be 5 years that we are together. Happily. In our own house now. But it was hard at times, in the very beginning.

  42. Given how many assume that shacking up prematurely is just in the lezzer DNA, it's nice to see someone touch even briefly on the economic imperatives that (I believe) often inform the U-Haul dynamic. On average, women are poorer than men in this country and queers are poorer than straights, thus lesbians tend not to have a lot of money (except for those Republican ones who sell real estate, but fuck them.) The economic imperative is not romantic, as you note, but it is pretty pressing for many queer women.
    Plus, as you have already discussed in another post, a lot of gayelles have at least once begun a relationship with a new person before they were, ah, done with the previous one they were in. For a lot of girls who have gotten themselves in the situation where they've broken up their relationship due to dalliances, and are now suddenly homeless...well, sometimes moving in with the new girlfriend seems the only option, ill-advised as it may be.

  43. I think it isn't just queer young women, but all young women who are liable to move in with someone too quickly. It may be a biological fossil of our nesting instinct or something... I've seen it happen to so many of my friends. Serial monogamy as well. But that's a different subject...

    Ps. Love this blog. It's been a light through the dark tunnel of my journey to move from simply fantasy to allowing myself to be my(bi)self and make it queerality. Idk if that makes any sense.

    Pps. Love the cute girls in this.

  44. My boyfriend and I were roommates for a year before we started dating each other. I had considered myself strictly a lesbian prior to dating him too, but yeah...

    The only downside to being roommates prior to starting the romantic relationship: you and your partner definitely skip the courtship portion, and just kind of jump into old-married couple stage. If y'all are already old souls then it may work out. Communication is key!

  45. Don't do it! I knew my ex for four years, dated for a year, and then got ENGAGED before she moved it. Shit still didn't work. UHauling is bad news! Yay for missing them!

  46. Hi and yay for a new post ! I had to reply because I am one of the exceptions. I moved in with my then girlfriend after dating for six months. That was thirteen years ago. We're married now. But maybe our case belongs to the emergency category. I was still living at home at the time and my father all but kicked me out of the house, so... yeah we pretty much had no choice.

  47. The best relationship I know of, where my two gays got married and now recently had a cute little pudgy ol' baby boy together, did NOT move in during the your-shit-don't-stink phase of the relationship. They took there time.
    (I also did this and now have two kids).
    But now I live in a townhouse where the most miserable, horrible, fightastic unit in the building is the home of two dykes who God-I-hope are moving out soon and not re-upping their lease for convenience and for fucks sake. Now I know I'm going to be the assuming, fatalistic, judgmental asshole, but I don't know for a fact that they U-Hauled all prematurely and shit, but to be honestly, they scare me too much to ever ask and find out. DON'T BE THAT COUPLE.

  48. I think this is a bunch of self-hating garbage. Even straight people don't hold themselves to the "12 months" standard.

    I know more lesbians who are too afraid of "being a sterotype" to commit to each other at all than lesbians who moved in together too quickly. It makes me sad.

    Of, course, this is coming from the blogger who thinks butch-butch couples are super ick, so what was I expecting, really.

  49. I uhauled after 6-7 months. Cross country move. seemed to make sense. Didn't last more than two months. I could see it coming, though. I just didn't want to admit that my relationship was about to end.

    I also waited a year to move in with an ex. We lasted about a year after that. This relationship had much more promise than the first one mentioned but it fizzled out after months of neither of us really working on it.

    Neither worked out in the end. I'm now more trusting my gut. It's way more about the relationship and the level of commitment from both people than the length of time. Well, for me anyway.

  50. I'm embarrassed to admit this (only lessened by the outcome)...

    My girlfriend and I moved in together LITERALLY after like 2 weeks together. We had just barely asked if we wanted to be exclusive. Hahaha!

    Flash-forward 4 years... We're (indefinitely?) engaged, we've bought a house together, we have dogs, and we're talking about having children. We're super happy, and love spending time with each other.

    I guess you could say we're the gay, rainbow-colored Bigfoot.

  51. I spent the first 6 years of my queer life living on my own (or with roommates) but never living with a girlfriend. I cannot imagine how much worse some of those breakups would have been if we'd lived together. However, I met a woman who made me lose my good sense and I showed up with my U-haul after only 6 months of dating.

    After 13 years, we are still together and going strong but we both regret moving in together so quickly. It put a huge strain on our relationship that took us years to get over... I moved out two times during the first 6 years before we finally got it right. It means that we don't have sparkly, rainbow hued romantic memories of our early relationship and that kinda sucks.

    So please, please, please relax, have fun, and take it slow... she's not going anywhere.

  52. I lived in student accommodation. My girlfriend pretty much moved in with me the night before we were even together. Her room wasn't far away, she just slept in my room every night instead of hers. I didn't mind. Now we've moved in to a house of our own and are happier than ever. U-Hauling to the extreme.

  53. Omg! I have that rainbow mug! Three, in fact! Each found at a different thrift store!

  54. My girlfriend and I had been together for about four months. I was out of the country and she took a job where that offered her room and board, so she sublet her apartment. Turns out the job sucked, I came home and told her she should quit and move in with me for two months. I liked being to help her out and we figured it was a safe move and allowed a "trial living" period. At the end of the couple of months, we realized how much we loved living together and she moved in permanently. It's worked out, however, I think this has a lot to do with the fact that it's a large two bedroom, 2 full bath, 2 walk in closet apartment, we both like the same level of cleanliness and we have flexible, variable schedules. Generally, I recommend not moving in for at least a year, but I'm really happy/lucky I got to move in with my girlfriend a little earlier ;) (We've been together for over 2 years and want to get married :)

    She is tots the cutest and lets me pick anyyyyyy movie I want from the gaymo section of netflix and helps me make dinner and then sexxxy times are mindblowin and I was all about to move in because spring! and paying two rents is dumb! Thnx baby jesus for reminding me to check in with effingdykes, my gayelle bible,
    Brb, off to send this to the gf.

    Can we still get a cat together?

  56. My girlfriend moved in after 3 months and we married 5 months later. We've been together 2 years and are very happy. She's the love of my life.

  57. DON'T DO IT!!! Seriously. Unless you are getting married and having babies soon, wait. It will ruin your relaysh.

  58. I let my wife's washer and dryer move in first. The appliances and I got along great for 2 years before she joined us. That was 29 years ago.

  59. I'm gonna add this: NEVER EVER let a long distance relationship go immediately from hundreds/thousands of miles between you to cohabitating - no matter how long you've been in that long distance relationship. I had one of those for just under two years. When she wanted to move from the South to the West Coast, I tried to reason with her that it would be easier and more comfortable for her to not move immediately into my house. I figured if she had her own space while she was adjusting to a new city and a new job, it would help her feel like she still had some independence and a life of her own. I thought that was the mature and pragmatic thing to do (I mean we had our whole lives to figure things out, right?) she thought I was rebuffing her and not willing to make the kind of "sacrifice" she was making by moving. Eventually I caved.

    Our relationship had been absolutely terrific in its long-distance version. We met working on a movie together in a town where neither of us lived, so we had two months of starting things off spending 24 hours a day with each other. Intense and fucking wonderful. Things kept going strong after that.

    BUT, then she moved here. She moved in. Two months later, she moved back, got her old job back (thankfully for her) and we were done. Why? Here's why: because I don't care what you think, but long distance relationships are all about "vacation sex." Maybe your long distance relationship will work out better as a local one than mine did, but trust me. Don't let that UHaul in your driveway until you've shared the same zip code for a while, no matter how long you've been doing the distance thing.

    I had no idea that this fun, sexy, athletic firecracker of a girlfriend was a perpetual motion machine who expected to play sports every single night and come home to a hot meal prepared by me. I had no idea that when I visited her before, this was the only time her house was ever clean. I had no idea that she would come equipped with EIGHT boxes of sports memorobilia. How would I? Even in nearly two years together, we'd only spent a total of 4 months worth of days in each other's presence. I still hadn't gotten past the mindblowing marathon vacation sex. Anyone can be the best version of themselves for 4 days a month.

  60. Thought some dykes might be interested in this for next week!

    Chicago Dyke March Collective

    May 20, 2013

    Connecting the Dots: Immigration, Race, Sexuality, and Community;
    Chicago Dyke March Community Forum

    Chicago - The Chicago Dyke March Collective announces its annual Community Forum on Tuesday, May 28, from 6:00-7:30 p.m., at 4753 N. Broadway, 5th Floor. Light refreshments will be provided. The building is wheelchair accessible with gender-neutral restrooms. The forum is free and open to the public.

    The Community Forum is part of the Collective’s intentional community building within the neighborhood where the March is located. This year’s forum is co-organized with Asian Americans Advancing Justice-Chicago, a non-profit, advocacy community organization, and the topic will be the intersection of queerness, race, and immigration.

    This will the second and last year the March will be held in the Argyle and Uptown neighborhood. The March will be Saturday, June 29, with a step-off from Margate Park (Argyle/Marine Drive) at 3:00 p.m.

    For more information about the Community Forum or the March, visit or e-mail


  61. Thought some dykes might be interested in our program next week!

    Chicago Dyke March Collective

    May 20, 2013

    Connecting the Dots: Immigration, Race, Sexuality, and Community;
    Chicago Dyke March Community Forum

    Chicago - The Chicago Dyke March Collective announces its annual Community Forum on Tuesday, May 28, from 6:00-7:30 p.m., at 4753 N. Broadway, 5th Floor. Light refreshments will be provided. The building is wheelchair accessible with gender-neutral restrooms. The forum is free and open to the public.

    The Community Forum is part of the Collective’s intentional community building within the neighborhood where the March is located. This year’s forum is co-organized with Asian Americans Advancing Justice-Chicago, a non-profit, advocacy community organization, and the topic will be the intersection of queerness, race, and immigration.

    This will the second and last year the March will be held in the Argyle and Uptown neighborhood. The March will be Saturday, June 29, with a step-off from Margate Park (Argyle/Marine Drive) at 3:00 p.m.

    For more information about the Community Forum or the March, visit or e-mail


  62. Ever wanted to get free Google+ Circles?
    Did you know you can get these ON AUTO-PILOT AND ABSOLUTELY FREE by registering on Like 4 Like?