Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Playing Xbox

[thanks Britt]

Hi there, vagina-diners!

Greetings from the black hole of time.  

Jeez.  
In the two months since we've talked, we've had Mitt Romney vanish like a bad dream and we've survived an almost-apocalypse. (Two totally unrelated events.) 



Thanksgiving, ChristmasChanukkah and New Years came and went and took their annual reign of terror with them.


[thanks Lauren m'dear. Also wtf]

The holidays are finally, utterly over.

I could not be more thrilled.

I've been MIA for two months, dealing with a changes to my family, freaking out a lot, and basically getting my shit together.  


[qbutch via hauteproportions]

Everything's ok, and I'll tell you more about it another time, but for now, know this— things are finally calming down, and it is a serious relief for me to suddenly be able to devote mental energy again to the subject I like best: 

Boobs.


[via simple-sinner]

Just kidding!  (Am I?)  It's lesbians

Who often have boobs. 


[thanks Em & Linds]

Dykes! My god I've missed dykes! 

I haven't been out—really out, where I wasn't focused on omgmyproblems and planning to leave early—in ages. 

I'm not myself.  I feel like I'm surfacing for sweet homo-scented air (smells like tea tree oil, pussy, freshly-washed 100% organic cotton, and men's deodorant) from the shadowy underwater depths of Drama Ocean.




I was in Minneapolis right before Christmas, and while I was at the Seward Co-op, I was literally snorting up great lungfuls of ghey girls, all wandering past hand-in-hand in their boots and adorable glasses and torn-up sweaters and carabiners jingling. 


[thanks Rachel W.]

It's been so long.  

I don't know what to do with myself around large groups of queergirls besides look at them hungrily and make soft whimpering noises. 



Bear with me, mos.

A few quick holiday highlights from the last two months:

- CJ got me a high-powered juicer for Christmas, which is basically the greatest thing ever until you go to the bathroom, start shrieking, and have to be reminded you had raw beet juice for breakfast.



- Timothy Maxwell Thumperton got a new holiday sweater, which he hates and has been refusing to wear.  
Rude. 



- I learned how to make hollow books and decided to wrap everyone's present in one, but hollow books are made with X-acto knives and NO ONE SHOULD LET ME NEAR X-ACTO KNIVES, EVER.




- My mom actually said the word "lesbian" with her mouth.  For the first time ever.

At which point there was a fearsome cracking noise and the Earth was divided asunder and time and space ceased to exist and I became a radiant being of light.


You see? We've missed so much together!

Anyway! 
Today, just to eeeeeeeease ourselves back into the swing of talking and thinking about everything faggette, I thought we would root through the ol' effingdykes@gmail.com mailbag and pull out a question.

Ready?
Mmkay.

Q: Dear effingdykes writer,

Can you please help me? It seems like every woman I meet lately isn't over her ex. In the end they tell me this and I get hurt every time. The thing is, I never talk to them first - they always initiate [the relationship]. Should I start carrying around interview questions for them?

1. Are you single?
2. Do you enjoy zombie movies?
3. Are you still in love with your ex?
Etc.

I don't understand. Is there some kind of sign I'm missing?

Thank you,
      Naomi*


A:  Oh Naomi.  This is such a good question—so innocent, so sweetly hopeful.


[Ann F.]

Well, Naomi, you're fucked. 


[thanks Hope S.]

The reason that no one you're dating is over her ex is because everyone you're dating is a lesbian.  

I'm so, so sorry, hunnybun.
But as a general and sweepingly stereotypical rule, we lesbians don't "get over" our exes. 

Absolutely not. 


[thanks Erin F!]

We think about our exes, process to our friends about our exes, obsess about them, quietly stalk them online, dissect them over drinks, mention them on first dates, slander them, befriend them, fuck them secretly, swear we're done with them, and say we're over them. 

But we're not.  

Not yet, anyway.


[thanks Kristen]

We had a connection to our exes that was very intimate and special and no one else will ever understand, and whoever comes into our lives later is likely going to get familiar with these exes through vivid and graphically-detailed descriptions. 

It doesn't always happen that way, but Naomi—I need to tell you I don't know any dykes who don't have at least one Ex with a capital E.  


[thanks Jess B.]

There's always someone—whether she was the first girlfriend or the girlfriend who was an acrobat in Cirque du Soleil or the girlfriend who became the fiancĂ©e or the girlfriend who made us coffee every morning without fail and brought it to us naked—that we, as a people, cannot forget. 

She haunts us. 


[thanks Bruna L.]

We had something with her.  

It was beautiful. 


[thanks Dani]
She loved us once.  

And even though things turned to shit and would never, ever have worked out in a million years, the golden, shimmering memory of That Feeling we once had with The Ex lingers somewhere in the hazy part of our collective brain, waiting to ambush us and our new relationships when we least expect it.  


[Jennifer B., what the fuck are you trying to do to me with this dog-dyke-shaggy-pony picture?]

Here's my horrible confession:  I've dated, um, a couple of people, and I retain fondish, I-still-love-youish, or fucking pervy feelings towards...

almost all of them.


[thanks Sara L. K.]

And I'm only talking casual and semi-serious exes, here.
Never mind the Serious Ex-Girlfriends—they're an entirely different category of feeling that would take way too long to explain. 



In general, though, my exes are women who have meant something to me, so I feel like they were a big part of me, somehow. 

And, through the special glittering rainbow miracle that is queer dating circles... guess what?  



My exes are often still a part of me and my life. 

You too! Because dykes tend to hang out in packs, we all get to learn how to be friends-in-real-life with our exes!  Wheeee!   


[thanks Randi B.]

Ugggh.  I think a little empathy for lesbiqueerkind in general is in order, Naomi

Getting over your ex is hard.
Getting over your ex is even harder when you see her every single time you go out to any queer event and all your friends are still her friends. 

[thanks Miranda]

So queergirl exes are complicated.  
And it's difficult.  
And sometimes it's not really even our fault. 

But! That's not your fucking problem, Naomi, and you wanted to know if you should carry interview questions around with you.  

Certainly not.


[thanks Dani P.]

While almost everyqueer has a major Ex or multiple major exes, it is possible to find the ones who are ready to date again.  

Figuring out if someone is over their ex is simple - all you have to do is look for warning signs, which happen to be fairly easy to spot, thank god.  



[thanks Britt]

And with that, I give you: 

A Few Signs Your Date Isn't Over Her Ex


1) The first time you go out, s/he brings up her ex.  

[thanks Lily S.]

Whether it's a teensy-tiny mention, e.g.: "Oh, thanks, my ex bought this dress for me." 

a brief anecdote, like: "Ha, you want to go to Kopi Cafe?  Me and Sara - that's my ex - used to to go there all the time."  

or whether it's long-winded: "I'm so glad you wanted to go out because I've thought you were really cute for basically forever but I never had the courage to ask you out. My girlfriend - she's my ex now - was always telling me to talk to you when we'd get coffee - we were in an open thing - and I'd always be way too shy, so it's kind of funny you were thinking the same thing!"

... consider the red flag dropped. 



Why?  Because there is no reason—literally none—to bring up The Ex on a first date. 

When you go out on a date, you are there to learn about a new person.  You don't need to bring your ex along for the ride, even if you hahahahatotallyusedtoshareeverything.


[thanks DeAnna M.]

It is possible to thank your new date for complimenting your outfit without dropping the fact that your ex bought the dress for you.  

It is possible to go with a new date to a place you and your ex used to go.  (Unless you're not over it...? or you're hiding from your ex, sugardimples...?) 

If there's too many memories at that place, just say you once had a bad ham sandwich there.

And nobody needs to know how you and your ex used to encourage each other to ask other people out during your "open thing."  

Not on a first date. 

Maybe save stuff like this until you've sufficiently dazzled the New Date with your quick wit, good looks, and devastating charm.


[thanks Fin S.]

2) When you've been out together a few times, and now it's time to hear about The Ex, and your date keeps telling you how "over it" she is.

[thanks Jess B.]

If someone is telling you something repeatedly—say, more than twice, whatever it is—then it's a pretty good guess that they don't quite believe it themselves yet, and are trying to convince themselves through repetition and hearing the words spoken out loud. 

Not on purpose!  It's just something that people tend to do, and if your date keeps telling you she's over her ex, she might still need a lil' convincing herself.


[thanks Kassandra D.]

It's like when you know your friend is pissed about something that just happened, and she keeps saying "I'm fine, it's FINE" emphatically, or the friend who can't go one single day on Facebook without posting about how happy/thrilled/blessed she is with her relationship.

Who exactly is being reassured, here? 


[thanks Nel]

My friend Court says, "If you're happy, you're just going to live happy."

And if you're over your ex, you don't need to say so, over and over.  

You'll just be over her. 


[Thanks Shanell]


3) After a short period of dating, you're getting to know your new squeeze's ex pretty well... and you've never met.

[thanks Celeste]

Do you know that your girlfriend's ex hates ice cream?  
Do you know that The Ex always thought your girlfriend had a funny way of laughing?  
Do you know The Ex used to make quietly cutting remarks about your girlfriend's weight and that's why she feels uncomfortable fucking without the lights off?  
Do you know that The Ex was "crazy jealous" and that the "littlest things" could make her mad and that she once broke that plate you're eating off of right now? (She glued it back together, The Ex was actually fairly handy.)

Congratulations, your new girlfriend is probably not over her ex! 


[thanks Christine]

You don't win anything, btw.  
But you do get to hear lots and lots of stories while your new girlfriend deals with emotional damage dealt during her last relationship, and you get to nod worriedly and say things like, "Maybe we jumped into this too soon - are you sure you're ready?" and then be reassured that she's ready. 


[thanks Amber A.]

Oooh that sounds bitter.  AM NOT BITTER OBVS. 

Ok. Y'allfags. 
I am not saying that no one should date until they are 100% ready to date.  Not all all.  (How would homogayelles ever get together?)

We will probably never 100% get over our collective exes.  


[thanks April B.]

But maybe we should wait to date until we're at least mostly over our exes. 

Like, I dunno...70%?  Could we shoot for 70% over it?

[Thanks Elisa]

And how do we know when we're on the road to recovery, anyway?  

How do we know when we're getting over The Ex?

Fortunately, it's easy to tell.

Good Signs You're Getting Over Your Ex:

1)  You deleted all her adorable texts on your phone so you can't reread them alone in your apartment with wine anymore.


[via arkenciel]

2)  "Your song" comes on and you don't burst into tears/grab someone and urgently tell them it was your song.

3)  You see her out in public by chance and you look like shit and you don't particularly care.  She looked really tired, anyway.  Alright she looked great but really - fuck her.

4)  You don't stalk her Facebook/Instagram/whatever every single day. (Multiple times a week, ok, but your need for a daily fix is dwindling.  Also, she never posts.)


[Candice from ohtinyrnbw]

5)  You hear she's dating someone new and your second thought—after "OMGAUGGGHHNOOOOOWHATTHEFUUUUUUUCK WHO IS IT???!!?"—is:

"Huh. Who is it?  Ew. They can have each other."

6)  You hear she's just broken up with her new girl and your second thought—after "HAHAHAHA"—is not "Now's my chance."


[thanks Julie L.]

7)  You genuinely begin to wish your ex well.  

Meaning: no matter what you two have been through, no matter how nasty the fights were or who got the dog or how many pieces your heart was shattered into, when you hear about something good she's accomplished or is trying to accomplish, you honestly hope it happens for her and hope she'll be happy. 

You want to heal, and you want for her to heal. 

It's possible to be angry with someone and still hope for the best for them. 

(This, from what I hear, is called maturity, and I guess it's supposed to feel tingly and startling when it first happens.  It opens a chakra or something.)

[Hana N. and Gordo]

Sometimes... sometimes you don't even know you're not over your old relationship until you meet someone and it stirs up all sorts of shit you haven't had to think about since your last breakup. 

And that's ok, sluts.  
We will all work it out on our own schedule. 

Naomi, all of this is of course completely unfair to people like you who are totally emotionally ready to be dating, but there's only so much you can do. 


[thanks Elinor]

You can have a little empathy for the special kind of weirdness that is the gayelle ex-girlfriend situation, and you can watch for warning signs on dates to nip this kind of shit in the bud. 


[thanks Katie and Dayna]

But there's really only one thing that helps anyone get over an ex, even an Ex with a capital E, and you already know what it is: 

Time.

"Time heals all wounds," my Nana used to say. 


[thanks Rachel and Dena]

Even giant gaping raw bloody holes in your heart that were violently ripped out by the unsheathed demon claws of your Ex.



How did you mos know when you were getting over your Ex

Anybody got any tips for Naomi?


79 comments:

  1. Firstly woooohoooo a new post, thanks for keeping up the blog, it's fantastic.

    Umm how to tell when you are over the ex... if you found yourself in another relationship and you are secretively stalking your ex then (online or literally), then you're not over them. When you're truthful to yourself then your over them. Oh complex mature questions for a first blog after the holidays, I though you were meant to be breaking us in gently?

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  2. KRISTA'S ALIIIIVE!!

    Seriously, for a while there I was worried...

    Sorry Naomi, I can't help, I'm still desperately in love with my highly closeted beautiful complex Norn-Irish Catholic organist ex-girlfriend.

    Yup.

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  3. I've had a few different signs showing me that I was on the road to FINALLY being over them. One ex I kissed again after years of not seeing each other and there were no sparks. I had fantasized about how amazing a kisser they were for so long and how I'd never find another like them until that happened and it just kind of....sucked. Another ex started dating again and my first thought was, "Thank god now they can stop teasing ME with their cuteness and maybe I can have some peace instead of wishing things were different between us!"

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  4. This sounds exactly like my obsession... the obsession I have with this blog.

    Symptoms include:
    -checking daily for an update
    -rereading old blog posts
    -writing creepy stalker "all I wanted for my birthday was an update from Krista" emails and not sending them
    -telling OMGeveryoneImeet about how witty effingdykes is
    -started referring to lesbians as gayzelles, mos, slit lickers, etc.

    I literally spat out the drink I was consuming and gave a girly squeal (something I've NEVER before done in my life okaymaybeoncewhenacrabbitme)when I saw this update.

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  5. Thanks for this, I seem to have the exact same problem as Naomi. I think literally every first date I've been on the girl has brought up her ex... I just don't understand why it's so necessary.

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  6. I knew I was over my ex when I finally woke up without thinking about her. She didn't even pop into my head at random times during the day. You just slowly start to forget them

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  7. Thanks for the new post! Glad to hear things are settling down; sorry that you've been going through so much. Holidays, oy!!!

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  8. OMG....the girl I was just starting to date....all she did was talk about her exes...not just one..PLURAL!!! I couldn't take it. I started tuning her out everytime she talked. Had to say it wasn't going to work with us. Sooo annoying.

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  9. Dr. Spock devotes a whole section on beets as baby food and the surprise that awaits you when you change your child's nappies. :-)

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  10. "...Because dykes tend to hang out in packs.." Can we call these 'packs' a murder? As in the collective noun for a group of lesbians: a murder of lesbians

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    Replies
    1. hahaha I know someone who refers to a group of dykes as "a plaid" of lesbians

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    2. I'M TOTALLY USING THIS FOREVER AND EVER.

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    3. A FLANNEL OF LESBIANSSSSS!!!!

      p.s. YAY WELCOME BACK!!! ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTSSS!!!!

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    4. A pride of lesbians?

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    5. I'm a big fan of "A village of gays," but that isn't exclusive to lesbians.

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    6. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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  11. Jesus fuck I've missed you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FOR REALZ. I MEAN HOLY GEEZE <3

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  12. I love this blog. I was so happy to see a new post!

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  13. Fuck. Yes. Eyelash wishes do come true.

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  14. When you don't get this pain in your heart/it doesn't phase you if she starts seeing someone else.

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  15. which is why i thought up the great idea of never again sleeping with anyone from my social circle, which means.. i should move to the post soviet states, or else the united states :D

    ps i love this blog!!

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  16. You leave me for two months and then you come back out of nowhere, and start asking for help and participation?

    That dog ain't gonna hunt.

    ..Ugh, I can't resist.

    I'm a rebound magnet.
    But I also rebound hard.
    I'm lead to believe that lots of people (of all gender orientations and sexualities) do this.

    Learning how to spot the signs, and how to stay away from dating while recovering from an ended relationship has been HARD.
    But with practice we'll all get better at this.

    As for mutual friends, I've found that the group will sort of split up. That's why it's important to have your OWN friends, and favorite haunts.

    You don't wanna run into your ex at your favorite cafe/bar/club/bookstore/dungeon/park bench every time you wander to them.

    Try dating girls out of town also- they probably don't have the same gossip as you.
    And she probably hasn't slept with your best friend/ex/cousin

    Welcome back Krista!!

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  17. Dammit, Krista!
    I was totes over you - over the last two months, I'd dropped back from refreshing this page several times daily, waiting for an update to just once or twice a week.
    I'd stopped gushing in the comments of every single new blog I found how their blog reminds me of Krista's blog. How their line formatting isn't as good as yours, how I'm totally enjoying their witty repartee and *totally* over effingdykes. So.So.Over.
    And here you are again, with those amazing boobs.
    I might never get over you - maybe we can try again...?

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  18. Talking about exes on first dates ... kiss of death. It should never be done!

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  19. I believe this also counts for unrequited love. I'm pretty much guilty of most of the signs there. I actually thought I was over that person after 2 years but I guess I still have some lingering icky sticky squishy feelings called 'like' inside me. I really need a new love! Btw Krista, your blog is amazing and makes me laugh/smile everytime. You should totally check out cerealesbians at tumblr sometimes, I think you'll like it. <3

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    Replies
    1. Seconded on the unrequited love. Sometimes those situations are a lot more like breakups than you would expect them to be. My first big crush (who was also my best friend, of course) seriously took me years to get over.

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  20. Yayyy you're back xD

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  21. The corgi appearance at the end was delightful. I suggest an article on how corgis are the carabiners of dogs; so many dykes love/own them, it's ridiculous. My own corgi is snoozing on the couch beside me right now.

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  22. Phew! Krista, you had me worried for a while there! I love your blog. This post was super helpful.
    I gotta agree with the person up a few comments who said this whole getting over the ex thing applies to unrequited lezzy love too. I crush super hard, and I haven't been able to get completely over my last crush, and it's been a little over a year. I'd say I'm about 85%. I stopped internet stalking her (everyday) a long time ago. She was with someone else too, at first it almost killed me, but she recently broke up with that girl. I'm not nearly as happy about it as I thought I'd be. I actually feel kind of sad about their break up. There's just some lingering memories that sometimes make me wish things had gone differently with us. Anyways, I don't really have many close gay girl friends, and my straight friends think I'm obsessed and "have issues". It's nice to know that I'm not a total obsessive freak of nature.

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  23. Yay Krista!! Thank you for posting this! I have totally been bringing up my ex way too much with the various humans I have been dating in the past 5 months and now i know IT MUST STOP! Glad to know this is a thing though, makes me feel better about not being over her yet.

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  24. Hah! For awhile I just wondered if I was fucking crazy for harboring feelings for so long. I'm well over them, even according to your Good Signs. But these feels, dammit, they linger.

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  25. Funny story- there's a picture of my ex in this post! A little while ago I would have saved it on my desktop for momentary (ok, lengthy) bouts of sighing and gazing wistfully out the window. Instead my first thought was "HEY GIRL! Look at you on effingdykes!" Totally over her.

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  26. so many hotties at the Seward co-op. so many.

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    Replies
    1. YES. God I miss Minneapolis.

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  27. Oh. my. god. You're back! Yay! Love your blog and so excited read it today!

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  28. Yeah, I thought I was over my ex because we were totally comfortable talking about the new people we were dating. Turns out I'm just comfortable with open relationships. Yayyy.

    I also thought I was over my first girl-crush (I never told her I had feelings for her) because we had been hanging out as friends for a while, and I felt fine. Then one day after hanging out with her, I wasn't fine. Yayyy.

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  29. Getting over your ex is hard. I find it harder to get over someone when the relationship ended badly/weirdly. This is probably common sense to most people, but when there's that unresolved "thing" that hasn't been resolved, it's hard to make peace with it, and move on.

    Being an artist also helps me sometimes. Being verbally vindictive through blog posts, performances, and other artsy methods.

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  30. another take... good article...

    "In Defense of Never Moving On"
    http://jezebel.com/5974934/in-defense-of-never-moving-on

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  31. Thank goodness, another post! And not a day too soon to discuss this, as well.

    Although I identify as a gayqueer girl and have generally no interest in cismale partners, I still am not really over even my cisboyfriend exes. I think getting over someone completely is definitely overrated. But if you can evaluate your current life needs/wants and the new partner fits them very well, the old partners don't, and you can manage your emotions in a positive and healthy way, that's how I feel I'm in the clear.

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  32. So glad you're back! While you were gone I read all your posts...despite the crap I got from my girlfriend!I even tried to find a replacement blog juuust in case you didn't come back...I didn't succeed, so I dropped by every now and then just to be disappointed till today. Really glad you came back!

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  33. I found out about your new post because, um, I was Facebook stalking an ex. (Facepalm.)

    Thanks for keeping it up even though you're so busy!

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  34. You know you're getting over your ex when:

    You start to feel good about your day again, despite the Ex not being involved in it.

    You can smile and be happy and feel excited about being around your friends without faking it.

    You can hook up with girls without feeling sick to your stomach.

    You stop sweating vodka.

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  35. So glad to see you posting again. And thanks for this, I'm bookmarking it so I can refer friends to it (I expect it to see a lot of use from that pov).

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  36. Luckily I managed to not stalk my ex at all after our break up. That totally helped speed up the recovery of some very serious gaping wounds.

    Also, if you sense that you're with someone who may not be all the way over their Ex, DO NOT under any circumstances tell they you love them a week into the relationship... Happened with my rebound... You'll find yourself without a girlfriend at all.

    I think I'm like 69% over her...

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  37. I've sworn off dating until I graduate, so I have no advice here, but we have the same name! Good luck with finding a girlfriend - I'm sure you will soon.

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  38. The bunny jumper....it cuted me out. Had almost given up hope when I saw there was a new post :) Glad your days have chilled a little

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  39. And then there's the more serious issue of abuse in the queer community, too- I got over my ex years ago, still putting myself together from the trauma of the emotional abuse. And being a survivor of that stuff is complicated, especially in shared communities. "She says you guys were both just really young, and I think she was just as upset about the break up as you were" is more than frustrating to hear when you finally get to the point of explaining to friends that the charismatic, witty, attractive person everyone likes so much abused you... that it wasn't just a bad break up.

    I still talk about my ex a lot. To my therapist.

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    Replies
    1. Same. Was in a femme-femme relationship, and survived emotional abuse. Nobody believed that the tiny little blue-eyed girl would be an abuser, and I felt very, very alone. Thanks for your post! It really summed up my own experience in a very straightforward way.

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  40. Your signs of getting-over totally make sense. I'm finally over my ex after six months dating someone else (thank goodness) and I know because I can see her now and have a nice time and not need to process afterward. I can see her in photos with her new girlfriend and not get this pit of my stomach thing. Hmmmm, I do feel the need to point her out as my ex to new people when she comes up in conversation... maybe that's a sign I'm NOT over it.

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  41. I finally unfriended my ex on FB last week. I stopped checking her page a long time ago, but every now and then I'd see someone else post on her wall or whatever in my news feed and it'd just make my stomach flip and ruin my whole day--she made our breakup a whole lot more unpleasant and public than it needed to be, and while I harbor zero desire to ever have her in my life again, I don't think I'm over the emotional mess of how she handled our breakup. so I think it's possible to be over your ex as a person but not the relationship as a whole?

    but I digress. to make a long story short, I think a person is "over" their ex when they just don't care anymore. the opposite of love isn't hate--it's indifference.

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  42. It's been 2 years and I'm still not over my ex. Then again she was my first love, and who ever truly gets over those anyways? I have finally come to accept the idea that I may never get over her and this has ironically seemed to help me come to peace with the situation and gives me hope one day that I will move on.

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  43. when i fall, i fall hard and fast. sigh. it is not always (rarely) reciprocated, yet it takes me several months to get over said crushes. it takes awhile to really absorb that she is not interested and never will be. (at least i have to tell myself she never will just to achieve some sanity again)

    i am over my exes and they come up in conversation here and there...but only briefly. i still don't hang out with them, but am friendly and chat for a minute or two and genuinely do not feel heartsick or awkward. yay!

    if my crushes want to be friends with me, the difficulty can be drawn out to 6 months or more. seems i have to learn the same lessons over and over again...

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  44. I think this goes back to a post about breaking up from a while ago.
    In order to completely be "over someone", I think the house just needs to be burned down.
    I got to this point with my ex a few years ago where I was just so sick and tired of all the games, and realized from a completely objective standpoint that it was ridiculous to subject myself to her bullshit, and them left one day and never talked to her again. - Not saying that was easy by any means, it took almost a year, and then another few months where I didn't feel the need to talk to/about her.
    She has tried to get in touch with me a few times (even recently when I relocated and she "heard I moved to the neighborhood" aka is obviously still facebook stalking) and I just have no interest at all in even saying hi back.
    You'll know you're over someone when you just don't care to talk/see/be with them anymore.

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  45. when you can finally breathe while saying your ex's name...

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  46. Ohmigosh yes. Naomi, I totes feel your situation. but you know what, find the right girl, even if she's not over her ex. I had a situation where my gf thought she was over her ex, bit once we started dating, her ex was upset that she wasn't my hrs most important girl, eventually my gr said she loves her ex and kissed her while I wasn't around. I was upset. I stuck around, my gf stayed with me and now all is well

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  47. To all you heartbroken girls out there:
    learn to be okay by yourself before you date again. You must be at peace with yourself and who you are before you can find 'the one'.
    Learn to stand alone so that you can stand stronger together.

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  49. I love you. It. I love it. The post.

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    Replies
    1. I wish there was a like button. This made me laugh so hard.

      Delete
  50. *sigh* Yeah, i have afew Exes with a capital "E". Love them to bits, wish them well and do remember the good times. Some i'm more over then others, but i do wish all of them happiness. That happiness just isn't with me. Which is good for both of us, since being in an unhappy relationship is far worse then being in no relationship! We live and learn.

    Welcome back, glad to see your posting again. :]

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  51. When you realize that not only have you not peeked at their blog/facebook/whatever in AGES, but you go look and kind of feel sorry for her because she's still posting the "look at me my life is so wonderful and of course I don't have any baggage and I'm like the most lesbian of lesbians because I got to poetry readings and kinky workshops and every picture is of me grinning with a bunch of homo ladies and obviously I am over everything" posts and your facebook is pictures of your knitting project and you at a friend's birthday at the queer bar and you in a heinous bridesmaid dress laughing and a picture of you looking not remotely cute because you went camping with your dad and it was hella cold and you don't have anything to prove. And you realize you're doing fine and because you used to really care for your ex you worry about her for a moment but then the moment passes and you just go about your day.

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  52. Wasn't exactly an ex but my advice would also be time, or if is possible time plus not seeing her around makes you get over her faster i believe.

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  53. absence makes the lady parts grow fonder.
    should i say makes the memories fonder.
    just stay away from an ex, give time and find a distraction in any way shape or form to help the process.

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  54. I just broke up with my girlfriend of over a year for this exact reason.

    Krista, I should have seen the red flags but was so enticed by her awesomeness and sex that I just ignored it.

    I was with her through the breakup woth the Ex, the moving out, settling their fucking HOUSE and SHARED PETS, allowing drinks, dinners, and movie dates that mostly took place while I was out of town because "You're not here anyways, and we're still friends"
    I never liked it from the beginning, voiced my concern, yet.tried to remain civil because we all remained on the same sports team and had to spend time together whether we liked it or not.

    It got to a point in November when our relationship turned long distance by two hours, that I said "I am totally not okay with this, I dont wan't you seeing her more than once a week" (As if once a week isn't enough time to spend with someone who cheated, lied, took your house and your pets!?!?!?!!!!)

    Ladies, ladies, Naomi, I should have face palmed and left here, but I again gave her the benefit of the doubt. I LOVED her, she was the nicest girlfriend I had.
    A week later: Dinner, drinks, breakfast- three seperate dates with the Ex. -_-

    Over the last two months she hasn't "had money" to come visit (wonder why, dating is expensive?), made excuses, multiple times reassured me that she is totally over the Ex, then hides her phone when she gets a text or tells me they have plans the next week.

    So I said ADIOS. </3 In the "straight" world, people just move on, but here, they linger.
    It isn't easy, it won't be easy, and this is the ONLY legitimate reason the relationship ended, everything else was great.

    Good luck?

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  55. Me and my ex just broke up at the beginning of December. After separation of two dogs, a home, two cars, and a million memories, I have been pushing forward every day trying to recover from this stumble.

    We got engaged in October, but then I found out she had cheated on me with a mutual friend, prior to asking me to *ahem*tie the knot, and after that, I could not convince myself that our constant fighting was worth it anymore. I felt that her proposing was her way to reassure herself that my lips were the only ones she wanted to kiss, and blah blah blah. We said 'I'm sorry' more than we said 'I love you'

    Anyways, long story short, she has been having problems financially, and at first I offered help, anything I could to make this a little easier on both of us, but she constantly rejected it, I guess it was a pride thing, but in the same sentence, she would fish for pity. I had recently gotten a new job with a huuuuuge raise, and she would throw that in my face.

    Our attempts at maintaining some resemblance of a friendship went south fast. I changed my number, blocked her on FaceBook, and since she moved to another state, haven't seen her. Somehow, she has gotten my new number, and messages me from other people's accounts to fight about the smallest things.

    I have no regrets or wants of getting back together with her ever, although I can't speak for her.

    I guess what I'm saying, is that even though I'm ok with never seeing or hearing from her again, I still think about her. Not because it is still fresh, but because when you love someone truly once, that feeling never goes away. Maybe the rawness will heal, but they will always have a little piece of you.

    But learning how to let someone else in is different, and can be easily transposed into the void that someone else left.

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  56. A few simple ones for me: my ex and I had a rather clean break-up but during the course of our relationship, I was on a express to fucking cuckooland (i.e. depression was coming back and I was feeling horribly suicidal for seemingly no reason.) Needless to say, we had to break up for both of our sanities. I tried to decompress and talk about it and eventually she got rightfully angry with me for airing our dirty laundry, even though, goddammit I needed a place to talk.

    In any case, while I still can't listen to Owl City yet, or at least bring myself to listen to Vanilla Twilight (yes, it's ~our song~ or w/e,) a few things over time have helped me realize I've gotten more or less over here. Note: This break up happened a little over two years ago. We were very close friends for two to three years prior to that.

    1) I stopped having panic attacks over her. I started having nightmares that she and her friends were secretly planning to have police come and raid my house and hire people to beat me up just for shits and giggles. They liked trolling people online for the sheer fuck of it, so my psyche exacerbated that.

    2) I've stopped interpreting any dreams I have of her and I getting back together as anything more than the fact I miss her. I'll probably always miss her, or at least feel nostalgic about her, but it lessens over time. That's all my brain is telling me: I miss her and she probably misses me, and that's that.

    3) I can look at things like chihuahuas, and listen to the GazettE, and not start bursting into tears or feel angry or vindicated. I can think about visiting England without the ridiculous fear that we're going to bump into each other because, as small as England is, there's a lot of people.

    4) I've stopped dreading the idea that she reads my blogs or wonders what I'm up to.

    5) When my best friend at the time told me that my ex was in a relationship with a guy (she's bi,) I just kind of smiled and shrugged. I was happy for her because I know she's been in a bad place with a lot of family issues that aren't my place to talk about, so the fact she's with someone and was doing well in school and life made me happy and relieved. If she could move on, then so could I.

    6) The main thing, that probably my friends noticed first? I just stopped talking about her as much. She just wasn't on my mind as much, or if she was, I didn't feel the need to voice it out or empty out all my shit on people. I could reminisce about her in my head without dragging people down memory lane with me, and it wasn't this huge, heart-breaking process. And even if I did talk about it? Just small mentions, never anything extreme.

    Wow this got long-winded, y'all, I'm sorry.

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  57. In some way I think some people talk about their Ex's as an excuse to show someone new there high passion's and intensities for romance/sex.. I think it's a social blunder to mention anyone previous over and over again.
    However, You are not there to mentor them, support their emotionally-heavy Icanneverseemtogetoverher stigma's. Find someone who does have a past, who can be intense and passionate and sexy as hell... but can get thru the present without telling you about *this one time... with my ex...

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  58. what does it mean when you know half the people in the photos?

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  59. amazing pictures and interesting as well as beautiful to look at the eyes that see the picture "above

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  60. what's with all the spammage in the blog comments? i've noticed it a lot lately.... is it bugging anybody else?

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  61. Love your blog. I've just found out about it! Reading through your previous posts about you travelling to different cities everyday... so that's only in North America? Or Internationally? Anything about cultural differences of lesbians?

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