Thursday, July 12, 2012

Top That

[thanks Rose S.]

Morning, doughnut-glazers!

Holy shit. 
Hooooly shit.

Y'allfags?  Before we can talk about anything else ever again,  I need to tell you a really humiliating story, mmkay?

Total Seventeen magazine "I-got-my-period-for-the-first-time-during-our-school-play-wearing-white-tights" moment.

It just happened.  I am dying.  I am dying.


*Warning* This story is sliiiightly gross, and it's about human-body stuff.

Now I know some of you squeamish homosexuelles prefer to think of me as an ethereal body of light - a perfect and elegant rainbow fairy-being sparkling with dewdrops who writes to you from the back of a pure white unicorn scattering light from its mane.  

Which is of course usually true. 

So! Skip down to the owl picture if you don't want to read about something a lil' bit icky.

Ok you ready? 

Great. So:

Here is the slightly gross part, up front: 

I have a wart on the bottom of my left heel. 

I KNOW I KNOW.  I'm horrible. Look away, I'm hideous.

This wart has been there for years, and nothing I've tried makes it go away.  It bugs me.

Warts freak me out - I can't explain why.  Something about a virus burrowing a hole deep into your skin, I dunno, just...euuuggggh.

So, because I have health insurance through my job for the first time since I've been a minor, I decided to go to the podiatrist and get it taken care of.

I was so pleased with myself. 
Something that had bothered me for years, and poof! - it was gonna be history.  Insurance!  
[thanks Zaret]

Maybe the doctor would burn it off.  Maybe he'd cut it out.  Maybe he'd freeze it off.  I didn't care if it would hurt - I couldn't wait.

I headed to my morning appointment, gleefully plotting the wart's graphic demise. 

The podiatrist's office was in my neighborhood - actually right down my street. Arriving about 10 minutes early, I pushed open the door to the waiting room.

As I filled in my information on a clipboard, I could hear that the doctor was finishing up with another patient.  It sounded like a girl about my age.

They were done.  They opened the door and came out of the room together - the podiatrist incredibly awkward OKCupid date from several months ago.

[thanks Harper - via pillowtalkmpls]

Let's call my awkward date "Autumn."  

Autumn and I had messaged each other on OKCupid awhile back, and agreed to go out to a particular wine bar I love in the neighborhood. 

She sounded perfect - also in an open relationship, cute, clever, you know. The whole thing. 

When we met each other out, it didn't go very well.  

Actually, it was dreadful - Autumn was so hot! But we had zero chemistry.  
I'm sure neither one of us felt a thing. (Which is really too bad, because she had an adorable haircut and curls that kept falling in her eyes.)

[thanks Lauren S.]

The date was a little forced, and as I walked home, I was thinking that Autumn might actually be a tiny bit mean - but in a very particular, razor-sharp, funny way that I tend to like.

You know - that peculiar brand of gentle bitchery that meant she might be a fun person to be friends with - she'd  be able to come up with snappy comebacks on the spot at the bar! She'd make hilarious-yet-cuttingly-accurate observations under her breath! We'd laugh! 

So I decided I'd see if Autumn wanted to be friends.
A few days after our no-chemistry date, I texted her, saying I'd be happy to hang out again sometime, if she ever wanted to.  

She never replied, which is totally fine and what sometimes happens with online dating. 
You win some, you lose some - it doesn't matter. 

Not everyone sees you for the special snowflake you so obviously are. 
[thanks Micahle]

Still, for a second there, even though I know it's only fucking OKCupid, I still felt like, "Oh man, now she thinks I totally want her, gaahhh."

Fast-forward to the podiatrist's office.
Autumn and the doctor walked up to the front desk.  

She looked at me.  I looked at her.  Our eyes locked. 
We knew each other.

And...we ignored each other. 

Like real-ass grownups. Sooo mature.  
[thanks Mike and Brit]

Faggettes, the office was maybe 20 feet by 20 feet. We were the only patients in that room. 
And we pretended we were total strangers.

With a sudden rush of horror, I looked down and realized that I was wearing the exact same outfit I'd worn on our date: 
Hooker-tight polka dot dress. Enormous gold hoop earrings with the words "Ma Goodies" scrolling across them. 
Bright red vintage wedge heels.

There was no mistaking me.
[thanks Elle R.]

And so, as I was silently panicking and she was making her next appointment with the receptionist and we were ignoring each other in the very empty waiting room and I was thinking, "OMIGOD, I have to at least say hello when's she's finished, my god, we spent three hours together, fuuuuck, this is so awkward," the doctor spied me. 

"Hey, great, you're early!" he said. 

Then, in full view of Autumn, he clapped me on the back and bellowed, "Warts, huh? Come with me.

And then I died, faggettes.  

I actually died.  I'm dead.  
I'm writing this to you posthumously. 

Not only did Autumn think I was a pathetic lesbian who desperately wanted her and only owned one outfit, she now thought I was covered in warts.
[Thanks Miranda]

She gave me a seriously grossed-out look, finished up making her appointment with the nurse, and fled the scene.  

I could almost hear her texting her best friend.


I wonder if that doctor has ever heard of a cute lil' legal policy called HIPPA. 
[via switchteams]

Anyway!  Sometimes here on Effing Dykes we dig deep. 

Sometimes we talk about cheating. 
Sometimes we talk about family and religion. 
Sometimes we talk about stereotypes.


[via socially-inappropriate]

Yeah?  Yeah!
It's a thousand degrees outside and we don't have air-conditioning, let's go sit on someone's porch and drink cheap icy beer and talk shit!

I shared myyyy (most recent) dating humiliation story with you...

Let's trade horrible embarrassing dating stories with each other!!

[thanks Emmy S.]

Ooh let's.
Last night, I facebook-messaged a whole herd of queers I know (even some boys!) and asked them for their Most Embarrassing Dating Story Ever.  

'Cause we've all gone out on terrible dates.  

Maybe some *ahem* of us have been out on a lot of terrible dates. 
[thanks Alicia]

I mean, dating is fucking rough!  Especially queer dating!  We should swap horror stories, right?

To make ourselves laugh! To learn! And to give solidarity and comfort to those gheys out there who are shoulder-deep (yes!) in the dating trenches! 

[thanks Ashley W.]

By this morning, tons of emails were flooding ew my inbox, and I was able to sift through them to bring you some really good ones! 

Ready for them?

I give you: 

Queer Dating Humiliation Stories: A Real-Life Roundup

#1.  When I first started dating my girlfriend, she lived in another city and was traveling to visit me for the first time. We hardly knew each other then. I was so goddamn nervous and didn't know how I was going to fill the inevitable awkward moments when she first arrived at my house. When she got there, I panicked and made the executive decision to show her my secret unicorn collection. While showing the collection, I noticed that one of my unicorn figurines had a broken foot, so I made another executive decision in hopes that it would demonstrate how incredibly handy I am. I busted out the super glue.

The cap to the super glue was glued on (shocking, I know), so I opened it with my teeth. It broke open and squirted all over the inside of my mouth. Trying to play it cool, I casually picked up my phone and headed down the hallway as if I was going to make a call. It only got worse.

In short: I super-glued the entire inside of my mouth, then my hand to the phone, THEN my phone to my face, but only AFTER I revealed my secret unicorn collection.

 I finally took this hot girl home that I had been fawning over for months.  While in the throes of hot sweaty amazing sex, she pulled a knife on me and started tracing it up my body, saying she liked to play with knives.  Instead of being cool, because I was pretty sure she was just fucking with me, I froze like a statue and whimpered, "My mom knows where I am right now, so you better not hurt me."


#3.  I was on a second date with this girl I really wanted to impress, and for some reason, "impressing her" translated into "showing her how tough I was by eating incredibly spicy food." I casually covered the insides of my Vietnamese sandwich with jalepeno peppers while she watched me. She was like, "That's not a good idea" but I shrugged her off because I am so MACHO and I took a bite. My face turned bright red and I tried to act natural but uncontrollable tears were streaming down my face and I started gasping and then CRYING FOR REAL like an actual baby. I've never seen someone laugh so hard in their entire life. She got me a glass of milk and has proceeded to make fun of me for going on five years now.

[thanks Kailey V.S.]
#4.  I stashed extra individual tampons inside my umbrella for an overseas journey. I forgot about them.  Months later, I went out on a date, it began to rain, and I opened the umbrella. Suave.

#5. One night, a woman who'd been pursuing me for awhile and who I'd been ignoring had a few drinks at my house, and I invited her to stay over. The lights went out and it was on. The whole night I was fixated on how amazing this woman I'd been overlooking for months was. 

I kept having to sniff. However, this was not the time to stop and get a tissue. While straddling her naked and kissing her neck, my sniffling became noticeable. I was going to have to get up. Still straddling her, I sat up to get a tissue and turned the light on. THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE like a movie horror scene. A fucking nosebleed! All over her! She held a tissue to my nose, I cleaned off her neck, and we went back at it, but really? What fucking luck - I've only had three nosebleeds in my entire life!
#6. When I was just a baby gay in high school, I'd often go stay with my girlfriend and her family on the weekends. One morning, I was climbing, buck naked, into the shower after my naked girlfriend when the bathroom door opened and her shocked father appeared on the other side.  
Both of us froze before he slammed the door. 
[thanks Sarah G.]
#7. The one time I fooled around with someone in a public bathroom...was the one time I DRENCHED her hoodie sleeve with my, errr...lady ejaculate. People call it "getting down to business" for a reason - roll up your sleeves!

[thanks Jennifer B]
#8. *As told to me on gchat by one of my favorite gay boys!*

James:  OK soooooo embarrassing story time, because you asked for it 
Me:  YES!

James:  I used to "date" a closet case, and whenever we'd hook up we'd have to get at least little intoxicated beforehand.  One time we did Ecstasy. 
Me: mmHMM
James:  I don't know if you've ever done it, but ecstasy like makes you REALLY horny, but for guys, it also makes it hard to umm...get it up 
and even harder to get off
Me:  I've never done E
James: Ok so the closet case #1 couldn't get hard for a while at first and #2 just WOULD NOT COME.  Most people might cut their losses and go to bed but for some reason I saw it as like a personal failure or something so I kept trying, and trying, and TRYING...and long story short there was some uhh... chaffing 
down there
and bleeding
Me:  UM
James:  The full extent of which was not noticed until the morning
so that's my embarrassing moment...
the bloody handjob.

Me:  Wait. Whoaa.
I am really confused
holy holy shit
James:  Yeah. 
It was a blowjob, but after I couldn't do that anymore it was a handjob.
Me: OH
How long did you do this for???
im like dying laughing

James:  Lol I couldn't even tell you. We were high. But there WAS lube so it had to have been a while
Me:  You're kidding me. LUBE!!  IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE HOURS!!!
James:  We hooked up again for a few weeks after that, but the bloody handjob was never spoken of again
oh yeah
Me:  I can't believe it!
He came back for moooore?
He's so forgiving!
James: He was in the closet - I don't really think he had a lot of options at the time. 
He had to wear bandaids
it was a mess
Me:  OMG

#9 and 9 1/2: During college, I woke up one morning on my ex-girlfriend's living room floor, with a guy, in a cold puddle of puke. I couldn't remember what happened.  Then I had a flashback of the night before: My ex-girlfriend had been trying to date this guy, but he wound up liking me. We had all drunkenly gone home together. And... I had thrown up on his dick when I tried to give him head. 

It was an awkward morning. 

*Folks!* Of the more than 40 embarrassing stories my friends mailed me, I received no less than four "I threw up on his dick" stories from lesbians. That is 10%.  
Is this a thing?  

I'm so glad y'all found your way to the labia, ladies.  

Here's another!

--My first and last time ever giving a blow job he grabbed the back of my head and pushed down.  I, having a very sensitive gag reflex, threw up the $140 dinner he had just bought all over his penis.  Good thing I'm a lezzer and don't do that anymore. 

[thanks Miranda]
#10:  The very first time I spent the night with a girl in her dorm, we were drunk. We had sex, and then we fell asleep together. In the middle of the night, I woke up because I had to fart really bad, so I sort of scooted away from her, checked to make sure she was sleeping, and did the deed. 

The next morning there were some..streaks on the sheets. 
Actually, all over the sheets. 
And the blankets. 

I had been waiting years to lose my virginity and I SHARTED ALL OVER MY DATE'S COMFORTER ON THE BIG NIGHT.

[thanks Rose]
Ohhhh I loved all of these so much.  

I feel so much better!
[thanks Rose S.]

How 'bout it, queermosexuals?

Who's got a humiliating dating story?
Let's overshare, shall we?


  1. "That is 10%. Is this a thing?"

    These stories are hilarious and so are you. God I love your blog.

  2. Holy jebus christ I think I just got a six pack from laughing so much. I love being gay :D

  3. In my 3rd year of undergrad I went to a faculty pub crawl with a large group of other undergrads, grad students and professors and by the end of the night was very, very drunk. so drunk in fact that I was kicked out of the bar for having an apparently too intense makeout session on the dancefloor with this smoking hot chick in full view of my peers and professors (it was only 11:30).

    She suggested we go back to her place, which we did, and proceeded to *ahem* get down to business until her boyfriend (who I didn't know existed because he wasn't at the pub crawl but turned out to be the T.A. for one of my classes) walked in on us and started freaking out. Horrified, I tried to shield my face/identity while I quickly collected my clothes, only putting on the minimum required to not get a ticket for public indecency before running home as fast as I could.

    The next day I was sitting in his class trying to hide in a corner as best as I could but as soon as class started he angrily called me out in front of the entire class to tell me that I had left my scarf and a tanktop at his place the night before and if I could come to his office and pick it up after the lecture. I had to sit in that class for 6 hours a week for another two months due to cumpulsory attendance. It was absolutely mortifying and the rumours hounded me until graduation.

    1. Oh, Sweetheart! I am so sorry that happened! As I am sitting here reading your story, the hairs on my arms are standing up & my heart is pounding because a similar experience happened to me...

      In my case, I was on a study abroad program for what was supposed to be 6 weeks but turned into 3 months. I was finishing my undergrad, and there was a grad student on the trip I had been infatuated with for about a year at that point. She lead me on hard the entire trip, and I (embarrassingly enough on it's own!) followed her around like a puppy. Long story short, it was new year's eve and I had attained a level of drunkenness on par with nothing I had experienced before: I personally consumed a bottle of wine, tequila shots, gin shots, and a giant rum-and-coke. Rare form, truly. Add to that my slight build (about 100lbs) & withdraw from SSRI's (I ran out 2 weeks before the trip ended) & unfathomable horniness from being lead on for months, a capital No Good situation was afoot. Next thing I know, I'm alone in a shared bedroom with my dear friend's quasi-boyfriend, a few stupid suggestions later, we're both butt naked in a childish game of "you show me yours..," And then the grad student, and 4-5 others in the program come barging into the room. Gasps and laughter all around, I just wanted to die right there. What the hell was I doing?? I still don't know.

      You are so incredibly strong and brave to keep going to graduation!! I still haven't been able to face my situation... The rumors, my ruined reputation in a field I truly love, it still kills me going on four years later. I don't know how to move past it.
      Thanks for sharing your story! I hope you are well!!

  4. When I met my first girlfriend, let's call her Jessy (I have to give her a name because it gets mispronounced later), I was so excited that I sort of accidentally came out to my parents by means of forgetting that I had never mentioned liking girls and just sort of blurting out "omg I met a giiiiirl" when I got home from the party. Yep. My mum was sort of passively unhappy in that way where we proceeded to pretend that conversation never happened. Anyway, that's not the embarrassing story.

    The next weekend she came over to my house, where I lived with my parents - we had not actually gone on a date yet, but had sort of agreed to generally do so at some point in time oh god we were so awkward. Anyway, but before we could do that two of my friends got ill and flaked out of a film project I had a deadline on, and guess who I could find at the last minute?

    That's right, my shiny brand new girlfriend and my ex-boyfriend. They were THE ONLY PEOPLE AVAILABLE. THE GIRL PART INVOLVED BEING TIED UP AND THE BOY PART INVOLVED ME PUTTING A BOW ON HIS HEAD. But that's not even the awkward bit.

    After Jessy had gone home, I was helping my mum hang clothes up on the line and what do you think my mum says?

    "That Jenny girl seems nice! She has such large breasts, does she have a boyfriend?"

  5. So before my girlfriend and I started dating, one of my friends held a party in her room during our first year of college, and luckily for me it was just down the hall. Anyways, I got really drunk at this party. Earlier that day and throughout the night I had been telling this girl who was one of my best friends and who I had the biggest crush on to come to the party after she had finished doing her team stuff (she plays basketball). So she gets there at around 11, when I am 6 shots in and just completely wasted.
    (NOTE: parts of this story have been pieced together by witnesses...because of reasons).
    As soon as she got to our floor I just kind of draped myself around her, and then we went to my friend's room and started dancing. For some quick background, no one at this party knew that we were into girls. So we were dancing and my hands were going everywhere, and then I started kissing her neck when all of a sudden one of the girls in the room stood up on the window seat and yells “ARE THERE ANY LESBIANS IN HERE?” at which point supposedly everyone kind of glanced over at us, but I was just so drunk and deliriously happy at the fact that I was dancing with this hot girl that I was totally into that I noticed nothing. A few minutes later, in what I apparently thought was a seductive move, whispered in her ear “Let’s go back to my room…” and led her out the door and down the hall. So we get to my room and walk over to my bed, I kick off my shoes, and immediately disappear to the bathroom and get sick for the rest of the night. Best part? She was sober the entire time.

    1. hahah this is amazing!! :)

    2. hahah this is amazing!! :)

  6. Krista (and everyone else), you might enjoy

    It's AAAAAALLLL about bad dates and horribly embarrassing situations. It's a mix of gay and straight stories, but still an addicting and hilarious read.

  7. "It was a blowjob, but after I couldn't do that anymore it was a handjob."

    I sobbed with laughter at that part, oh my fucking God!

  8. Oh my lord some of those are disgusting. I haven't been on enough dates to have anything horribly embarrassing happen

  9. We got a room at a queer conference for youth a day earlier than all the youthful attendees and I was busy with my (older! More responsible!) gf, just inside the front door of our room, and she was moaning pretty loudly when we thought we heard a noise. Actually, what we thought we heard was someone say "Oh shit! Come here!" But, you know, we were a little distracted, and so some time passed and then we heard a word or two again, and then we stopped and then we heard running. The whole conference we were wondering who it could have been and we were feeling that it was probably the boss and that that wasn't too bad, but on the very last night, this 17 year old gay guy who had a room across from us said, " remember the first night?" We were a little mortified (actually, I was howling), but it got worse...he said he'd heard something and thought someone was watching porn, and he'd called over A FRIEND to listen and then they'd called over a third person and somehow more people found out about it until pretty much the whole conference knew about it. If that isn't blushworthy, I don't know what is!

  10. I have also thrown up on a penis. That ups your percentage.

    There was the first time I ever tried to give a handjob, which resulted in him eventually removing my hand with a gentle "Just... don't."

    There was the other time I tried to give a handjob (different boy) and the same thing happened... He said I could finish him off, which I did, and promptly puked at the sensation of his man-juice on my skin.

    There was the time I was in the woods with a boy when we were about 18 and had noplace else to go to fool around. We were sitting in the tree and I tried to jump seductively down so that I could blow him. Thinking I was like Lara Croft, y'know? Anyways, I jumped awkwardly and stumbled on a log. And fell on my face. I tried to blow him anyways after that and it went okay until he was done. Then I threw up. Twice.

    I am also so glad I found my way to labia. Great post Krista- at least you got a good story out of your encounter?

    1. hahaha oh thank you so much for sharing.

    2. hahaha! love it

  11. During my sad confused straight phase, I never really had any experience with guys. They just didn't interest me. But then I figured in my early 20s that I perhaps need to start finding boys.

    We were dancing at this wedding reception for one of his friend's wedding. Everything was ok, it was a slow song and we were dancing close together. Then I started to feel "something" on my thigh.

    Now I'm not that sure about guy's physiology and I am sure it sucks to show the world when you get turned on...

    Anyways, the obvious ... physiological trait ... freaked me the fuck out. I panicked and I didn't want it to touch me. I backed away quickly without looking behind me and I tripped over a girls leg and went sprawling on the dance floor.

    I should also mention that since then I have embraced my inner butch, but at the time I was wearing a long dress and high heels.

  12. I once dated a woman who had NO IDEA that some girls cum a bit. . . excessively. She accused me of peeing the bed when I came, and told everyone that I was disgusting. Even after several of my exes explained that that was just what happened sometimes, she still thinks that I wet her bed. . . She told people not to sleep with me because I was "into gross stuff."

    1. I feel that this happens way too often. Some girls need to read a book or something.

  13. I have been on SO many bad dates, but this one in particular is the kind story that could ONLY happen to lesbians.

    I went on a date with this girl who I'd hit it off with at a group hangout, but we didn't call it a date because that's what you do.

    Anyhow, between setting up the date and actually going on it, K. had managed to sleep with V., my former roommate who a) I don't have the highest opinion of, and b) has a habit of sleeping with people, and not letting them know that she considers it a one-night stand and isn't interested in even acknowledging the encounter in the future. Either because or in spite of this, people tend to get rather hung up on V., and K. was no exception.

    Soooo K. spent the ENTIRE date mooning over V. and lamenting, and because she knew that I'd lived with V., kept asking if she stood a chance with her and whatnot. AWWWWKWARD.

    Oh, and because this was a few days before Christmas, she took me along to her dealer's house to pick up for the holidays, and we spent about a half-hour smoking up with these random guys in their gross apartment while they played video games.

    There's also the time that I showed up to a date in the exact same outfit as her, the girl who got mad when I paid for the theatre tickets I'd picked up and bragged about her ability to drive drunk and was also kind of racist, the girl who showed up at my apartment at midnight for a SECOND date with a Valentine's gift and then freaked out when I touched her thigh...

    1. "the girl who got mad when I paid for the theatre tickets I'd picked up and bragged about her ability to drive drunk and was also kind of racist" I think I went on a date with this girl about a week ago. The EXACT same thing happened.

      In addition, on my date, she was already drunk when I picked her up.

  14. I got a SERIOUS nosebleed during my first experience with girl sex. We were staying with several other friends in the basement of a (married) mutual friend's house, who was trying to sleep. I was completely head-over-heels for this girl. She was going down on me and I was just getting through the "Ohmigod I can't believe this is happening to meee!!" phase when I, too, started noticing my sniffles were really bad. Rubbed my face with the back of my hand and it was covered with blood. A LOT of blood. I had to throw clothes on and run to the bathroom. It didn't stop for almost 20 minutes, and by the time I got back she and another girl had left to find cigarettes. I've never had such a bad nosebleed before in my life.

  15. My wife and I were in a long distance relationship when we first got together. The first time she came to stay with me, we couldn't keep our hands off each other when we got in the door. My bedroom was at the front of the house. Too busy to close the curtains. I'm lying naked on the bed, with her going down on me when there is a knock at the door. Jehovah's Witnesses, looking in my bedroom window. One of them makes eye contact and knocks again. I manage to roll off bed and under it before I manage to explain what is happening. Never had another visit from the Jehovah's Witnesses again.I now close my curtains.

    1. Omg the best!! Hahahahahahah

    2. If I can ever convince a girl to do this, I am doing it the next time the mormons come around.

  16. My last girlfriend and I were in a long distance relationship and had been "dating" for about a month when I had to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Being sweet, she drove the two hours out to my house and brought books and crossword puzzles over so that she could take care of me after the surgery (even though my mother stayed home to do that).

    Not only did I have bloody gauze in my mouth and drooled a lot, but I mostly slept on her and moaned in my vicodin induced nightmares. That's not the worst part. Eventually, my mom called us downstairs to make cookies with her. My girlfriend and I were in charge of rolling the dough into cookies and I was really high on pain pills. She gets cookie dough on her fingers. With my mother IN PLAIN VIEW, I grab her fingers and trying to be seductive, lick the cookie dough off of them. Everyone was horrified except for me. Afterwards, she took me to the grocery store where I had a panic attack and nearly passed out. Miracle that she stuck around after that.

    1. BWAHahahhaaha I just laughed out loud in my office. That RULES!!

    2. "With my mother IN PLAIN VIEW, I grab her fingers and trying to be seductive, lick the cookie dough off of them."

      Hahahahahahah omg, I just laughed so hard I almost choked with my own saliva

    3. Amazing! I almost just peed on my roommate's couch!

    4. Oh my golly gosh! This is hilarious. Oh my god, oh my god. I can't stop laughing.

  17. Was on the receiving end of this, but it's too good not to share, plus it has a happy ending.

    First date with a girl I'd been chatting with online. We decided to go to the CNE, which is a carnival thing held in Toronto at the end of every summer. Bought wristbands for unlimited ride-riding, and went for it. After the second ride, she mentioned she wasn't feeling so great (probably a combination of nerves, the heat, and the rides themselves). We got her a bottle of water, walked around for about 15 minutes, and she said she was feeling up to trying another ride. We hopped on the Tilt-A-Whirl. About two-thirds into it, she starting saying how she hoped it would be over soon, and I watched in dismay, trapped in the ride beside her, as she got paler and paler as we whipped around. She eventually lost it, and puked all over herself, as well as getting some of it on me. The ride stopped once one of the attendants noticed what had happened, and off we dashed to the bathroom. Rather unfortunately, given that it was a carnival, the bathroom facilities were less than stellar. I awkwardly waited outside, texting everyone I knew informing them of what had happened, while she went in and cleaned up. I felt absolutely awful for the girl - we were less than an hour into her first-ever date with another girl, and she had puked on both herself, and on me. Given how awkward I knew she was probably feeling, I decided to tough it out, and make the best we could out of the situation.

    Happy ending: we ended up going and buying her a replacement t-shirt to wear, which ended up being ridiculous because our options were quite limited. We then sat under a tree in the shade for the rest of the day, chatting, eating junky carnival food, and people-watching. We saw each other a couple more times afterwards, and ended things amicably.

  18. The 10% is a thing. While I was in that persuasion I gagged on one bfs dick, and stopped, and threw up mcdonalds and coke on another dude's dick.

    I swear, I am never going back to guys. Queer for life.

    1. I got a bunch more emails about this!! WHO KNEW??

    2. just wanted to say one more. I tried to blow a guy once and came face to face with my penis opponent and just stared at it. And i poked it and said "what do I do thought?" he said "well, just don't bite into it like an apple." and I said, "it's not exactly a lollipop, I don't think I can do this, sorry" and he said "ok, haha" and looked at me like I was from outer space. I was never able to go through with it. But the vomit feeling was there.

    3. oh god. I just woke up my roommates laughing.
      BEST EVER.

    4. I know I'm real late on the uptake here...but just to add to the statistics: I've puked on a total of 3 dicks. I was so ashamed one time, after he sprinted for the shower, I spent the next hour crying. And HE was the one who decided to push my head down. I think we both learned a valuable lesson.

  19. So my SO and I are polyamorous, and possibly a bit too nice. We meet a young queer girl, are a bit concerned she's too young but decide to give her a chance - she is, afterall, interested in dating a couple - this could mean she's mature for her age, or a little insane at her age....

    First date went well enough for us to keep contact, though we still had our reservations about maturity. We mention an event we're going to, and she arrives at that event alone, latches on to us, when we're leaving, hops in the car to come home with us...

    She's now in our lounge and we all share some weed. She starts freaking out... like "whoooah my hands" and just generally... not normal stoner behaviour, more like acid trip behaviour with shroomy laughter.

    Our house mate and some friends are also around, and are giving us looks like "who is the crazy person, where did you find her, OMG please don't fuck crazy". SO and I are sharing similar looks and realise the only way to divert this disaster nicely is to suggest we leave the house for dinner.

    Get to the front door and she's left her purse in the lounge. We're like "don't you need your purse?", to which she responds "No, why would I need that - it just has my phone, wallet and keys in - nothing I'd need for dinner". (Assuming we're paying... ok, I can deal with that, we are older. Brave enough to go out with people she barely knows without her stuff/no escape route... interesting... assuming she's coming home after dinner without transport home, ie assuming she's spending the night... wooooah there)

    We had to gently suggest that maybe she should take her stuff in case she wants to go home after dinner.

    Proceed through dinner ... somewhat awkwardly but now more normal behaviour, probably because we are in public. On the way home we drive past her place and stop outside and say "Bye :-)"

    I'm still nervous to go anywhere near where she lives, lol.

  20. Due to the fact that queer girls sometimes have serious trouble letting you know that it is a date they invited you on and not a friendly hang out, I have had lots of awkward dates -just because I didn't know it was supposed to be a date.
    One time, I brought 11 mimes on what had supposed to be a romantic tête-à-tête. It was very awkward.

    1. We really should be more clear about what we mean to be dates and what we mean as just friends. I once asked a classmate to a play we were required to attend. I knew she was queer and she knew I was queer but, since we had to attend and I just didn't want to go alone, it never occurred to me she'd think it was a date. (In my defense it was a midday performance, not an evening one and the invite was JUST for the play with no suggestion of anything before or after). Apparently she not only thought I meant it as a date but also didn’t want it to be a date… so she dragged her roommate along. (Her roommate had already had to sit through the play, a not all that well done school-based performance, twice as other folks’ attendance companion so you can imagine how thrilled she was to be there). At this point I realized what had happened (nothing quite like being passively rejected by someone you weren’t even interested in) and wanted out… but it was the last performance and I was REQUIRED to attend. I have no idea what happened in the play as I spent the entire three hours sitting stiffly between the girl and her roommate wishing the ground would just swallow me already. I feigned sick right after the play ended and left.

    2. um... forgive me for asking but... how is it you bring one MIME along on a not-date, to say nothing of ELEVEN? are we even thinking of the same thing?

    3. **One time, I brought 11 mimes on what had supposed to be a romantic tête-à-tête. It was very awkward.

      Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard at that I nearly wet myself. I'd love to hear the whole story!

    4. I'd also like some clarification on the mime situation. Is that your usual running crew? Are you the twelfth of a dozen?

    5. I have to ask, are you a part of the Baker's Dozen?

  21. LOL this post sent me into fits of giggles! (:
    All's I can say you are lucky it was your podiatrist's office and not your OBGYN's (';

  22. After a great date of laughing and drinking, my date asked me to come home with her. She also told me she had a her bathroom. Um, YES. We went back to her place, had a few more drinks, lit a few candles and turned on the jacuzzi. So, we're in the jacuzzi having sex when I open my eyes and her cat is sitting there, like, watching. Not a big deal (I mean, come on, what lesbian hasn't had sex with a pet watching?), except for the fact that the cat's tail was ON FIRE. Like, for real. It was so intent on watching us that it didn't know it's tail was straight up in a candle and ON FIRE. The girl starts screaming, jumps out of the water, and grabs the cat which results in her being covered in black burnt fur. ICK. I picked up and took off with my clothes soaking wet.

    1. That's the most surreal sex experience I've ever heard of XD

    2. best story yet

    3. I can't. There are no words. This is amazing. I am SO GLAD you shared this.

    4. YEESH. i don't get why someone would be OMG SO REPULSED by this that she would "pick up and take off." how freaking RUDE and AWFUL is that? imo, not really that funny. just... weird.

  23. The reason I'm a little repulsed by the thought of giving heads goes to a ex boyfriend, who during a blowjob didn't warn me, and shot his load into my cheek as I was about to pull away. I chocked on it and spat it out on his dick. Semen's nasty tasting stuff, people!

    I've also been on the worlds most stiff blinddate, set up by a classmate of mine back in the days. "You have the same hobbies, he likes movies to!" she said. That was about it. we liked movies, not really the same kind. he went to business school, I went to art school. He liked pop music, I liked goth, rock, and small european indie bands people didn't always know of. His way of breaking the ice was to tell me about the time his friends had dragged his minor ass into a club and sold him off to a 40 year old cougar, and he'd woken up the next morning on her sofa...

    The least to say, I didn't contact him again, even when my friend claimed "he liked you so much!"....

  24. I need to go on more dates with females, these just sound toooo awesome haha:)

  25. i went out on a date with this butch girl to a bar and grill an ordered drinks. Her phone kept ringing every two minutes so before I could ask "what do you do for a living?" and the "let's get to know each other shit" I told her to just pick up the phone...long story short, she tells me she's a pimp that owns a house filled with girls and they need to check in with her in case anything goes wrong. I text my friend to call me and fake an emergency to get the f**k outta there as fast as my heels take me. WTF!

    1. I seriously doubt she was least, I hope not!

  26. Accidentally dropping a glass of water on their forehead is not the best way to wake someone up the morning after :/
    No damage done but no morning nookie either :(

  27. This comment has been removed by the author.

  28. i have two

    when i was a baby gay in highschool i was dating this girl. neither of our parents knew of course. one day during the weekend i came over cause her parents were going to be out. We were making out or something, she was wearing my purple flannel shirt (because i like being stereotype), and on tv Chrisitina Aguilera's "beautiful" was playing and we thought we were being romantic. The flanel shirt was partially off. We were making out. then, of course, her father walks in to the room and says "oooooooooo" in the "ooo you're in trouble" kinda tone.
    I was 17 and wanted to die.

    my more recent one was with my current gf. I was at her house and we were just playing around (clothed thankfully) and i believe i straddled her from behind and started "joke" humping her butt and attacking her with kisses. her mother, who never knocks, didn't knock and just walked in. I immediately jump off to the other side of the bed and hide my head under a pillow. Her mother, being the way she is, proceeds to have a conversation with us and doesn't leave

  29. Fantastic blog - I've been reading for a while and especially enjoyed this entry! For anyone who doesn't know when the narwhal bacons, here are a few more stories I came across a while ago (some had me in hysterics!):

    1. Midnight! AL represent! ;) (But I'm anonymous, because I don't want to actually represent)

  30. holy JIZZ. This post is def one of my favorites! All of these stories are AHMAHZEENG.

  31. I totally forgot one. The girl that I'm dating now and I were at a restaurant for a second date. We got the bill and decided to use the bathroom before we left. As it turned out, the bathroom was tiny with only 2 stalls. We each took one.
    I am a nervous pee-er, and as it turned out, so was she. Neither of us could go. Silence.
    After about 5 minutes of this (yes really) I managed to go. So did she. But it was very awkward at the sinks.

    1. hahaha. That actually happend to me too once.. awkward :D

    2. I've had this happen to me too! Only instead of the pee stand off, my exgf suddenly goes "I can't pee! Quick! Sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!"

      I knew I loved her then, because I actually immediately began singing it without giving the demand a second thought. Halfway through the song, we both started to pee. Crisis. Averted.

  32. Ok, so I'm allergic to strawberries right? So one time I was dating this girl and we went to one of her art shows (she's an artist) with some friends and we went to this really good ice cream place afterwards. One of my friends got some strawberry sorbet and was like "oh, everyone should try it"! Since i didn't know what it was, I didn't take any but my girlfriend did. She didn't really know what it was either otherwise she probably wouldn't have taken any. So afterwards, the two of us went back to her place and we started making out. After a few minutes, my tongue got numb and then started swelling and then my entire face was swollen. She had to call my friend to find out what was in the sorbet and when she said strawberry, we freaked out. I never used to carry my epi pen with me since it's so easy to avoid strawberries so we had to go to the hospital. The worst part were the faces my girlfriend and I got from the other people in the waiting room when we told the story...

  33. the Pot Noodle PervertJuly 16, 2012 at 6:17 AM

    Yeah I'm a cool one too... I love all of these stories. I have been crying and I wish to add a couple of my unfortunate experiences.

    I go to university in a city called Sunderland in the UK. They don't have gay bars but they do have what I call Gay Tuesday.
    Anyways I get drunk quite often, this happened one night when I bumped into friends at Dragaoke. Yes dragaoke.
    There was a smokin' hot girl there, proceeded to talk to her all night and get more and more drunk. I spoke to her all night and we ended off at a nightclub where they had a bouncy castle for the night!
    I got on the bouncy castle and was that drunk I couldn't get off it, when I eventually did, the girl followed me to the toilet and only sipped kissing me while I was being sick.
    I have never used a chat up line in my life, but this night was the time to use it. I asked her to come back to my halls with me 'for a pot noodle' (if you're not British, look them up, they are vile dehydrated noodles in a cup.) She fell for my charm, we had a pot noodle. I spewed a bit more, cleaned myself up and we got down and dirty.
    The next day I found out she was only 18 (I'm 23) yes that's not really a difference but I was shocked.
    And now I am known as The Pot Noodle Pervert to my friends. Lol

  34. Before I realized I was gay, I was on a chatroom with a bunch of older teenagers and got the bright idea to pose as a boy named Charlie. I wanted to know more about boys and I thought that this was the best way to do it.
    So I created Charlie, started talking with people...and became extremely popular. Then some of the guys were like, "Dude, you have to get a girlfriend."
    So I did. Her name was Kat. Things started out great, she was really nice and believed I was a guy...and then she wanted cybersex. I reluctantly had cybersex with her. Then she wanted to 'friend' me on Facebook. I created a fake account and befriended her, as well as everyone else on the chatroom. Then she wanted to talk on the phone.
    As soon as she heard my voice, she started gushing about how cute it was. She still believed I was a guy. Then my mom called for me, and it went dead silent. Then Kat was like, "I've, uh...gotta go."
    I haven't heard from her since. xD

    1. this reminded me of my aol chat days, a/s/l? bahahaha

  35. am still a baby gay in high school, so all my dates been with out many people knowing, on my first we both had bf at the time as was expected of us, and as we just started to feel comfortable and kissed both our bf's walked past

  36. I'm straight, but I absolutely looove this blog, and incidentally, us straight gals have been known to puke mid-blowjob too.

    My first date with a particular guy, we were tight on money so wound up just going to Subway, then back to his place to "watch a movie." We spent such a long time making out after the movie finished, that both the DVD player and TV eventually kicked off due to inactivity, and it was pitch black. I start to go down on him, at which point he gets a little too enthusiastic and SHOVES my head down. I lost it. I barfed up Subway Italian combo all over his dick. Thing is, my mouth was, er, full, so I didn't make any puking sounds, and he couldn't see what happened. I ran out of the room to rinse my mouth out and when I get back, he is looking at me expectantly, and slow-jacking...WITH MY PUKE ON HIS DICK. When I managed to tell him what happened, he got wide-eyed, ran to the bathroom, and I was treated to him yelling "OH GOD I WONDERED WHY IT WAS SO SLICK! EW THERE'S OLIVES IN MY PUBES!"

    Best part? We're actually married now. All our friends know this story...which might explain why we never had a wedding. Did NOT want that in a wedding speech.

    1. I laughed. So. Hard. "EW! THERE'S OLIVES IN MY PUBES!" priceless ^.^

  37. I once was completely wasted and going down on a guy. I ended up throwing up on the bed and floor. I'm part of the 10%

  38. A few weeks into dating my current girlfriend, I fell asleep in her dorm room next to the wall, and she ended up sleeping beside me (twin bed). In the middle of the night, I apparently NINJA KICKED HER off the bed and into the radiator. THEN, to make things worse, a few days later I accidentally NINJA PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE in my sleep. THEN, one of the first times we had sex, I accidentally NINJA KNEE'D HER IN THE NOSE. And THEN, shortly after that on another occasion, I got a bloody nose during sex but before I realized it, I sneezed. All. Over. Her.

    It's really a wonder she stayed with me after all that, haha.

    1. DIED laughing at this!!! baaahahahahahaha XD

    2. This is my life!!! So funny!!!

    3. OMG! I loved all these stories, but that's the first one that made me laugh out loud really, REALLY hard!!! Then I reread it and did it all over again!

  39. I was out drinking with a woman. I started laughing really hard and it basically turned into an asthma attack, rare for me so I did not have an inhaler. I could not stop and I fell apart and peed all over myself and my bar stool. It was well lit enough to be totally obvious, not just to her but to everyone around. She went and got me a pile of napkins and everyone stared as I silently tried to dry the barstool.

  40. WARNING: Really reeally gross story!

    I think it happend on my third date with my girlfriend. I was going home to my hometown. When I got back from my trip I was very exicted to see her again. We ended up having sex, and suddenly she asked me, " did u forget your tampon"? me: ehmm, NO? girlfriend: ehm, yes u did!... FUCK!!! I forgot my tampon inside for 3 days! And it smelled like shit! We couldnt even stay inside the appartment.

    This must be my most horrible, embarrasing episode EVER ! Anyway we are still together, haha :)

  41. My first girlfriend, we'll call her Sofia, and I had been together for a year when she came to visit me at college. We had been long distance for the duration of our relationship and, her being three years younger than me, it was the first time she'd been able to visit me for an entire weekend. We had been growing apart for a while and were trying to find ways to reconnect, so, naturally, we discussed having a three-way. On her first night there, we went to a movie showing on the quad where we met a cute girl, we will call her Annie, who seemed to like us. By the end of the movie, we had talked some and decided to invite her back to my room.

    The next morning, after sleeping on my child's size couch because three people do not fit in a twin bed, Annie went back to her dorm and Sofia and I made to go to breakfast. As we were leaving, my neighbor and her best friend – Adrienne – (whom I happened to have a crush on and wound up dating for the following year and a half) came into the hall and immediately burst out laughing and asked how my night was. As we exited my dorm and a girl passed us in a whirl, Sofia turned to me and said, “Wait, isn't that Alex?” Alex, was a girl I had slept with a few times when Sofia and I had taken a break the previous spring, and in open-honest-relationship fashion, had told Sofia about. I shrugged it off and said, “Probably not.” We all continued on our merry way and strolled to breakfast together, meeting a number of other people. We claimed our places at the table, retrieved food, and hunkered down with coffee and eggs when Alex came to the table, food in hand, saw Sofia and myself and promptly sat down on the far end of the table. Quite literally as far from us as humanly possible. Sofia's face sunk, Adrienne and my neighbor looked at each other awkwardly, and I tried to change the subject.

    Five minutes later, Annie saunters up to the table, hands me the shirt I'd lent her to walk home in a half an hour previous and calmly says, “Thanks for letting me borrow your shirt this morning! I almost didn't want to give it back.” I just stared and managed to stammer a, “You're welcome...” She wound up joining us for breakfast, and sat next to Sofia. For the next half an hour, Annie played with Sofia's hair, Sofia stared at me looking like she was going to murder someone, I was furious at Annie's lack of common sense and feeling twelve shades of awkward, Adrienne was looking back and forth from me to Sofia, me to Annie, and me to Alex, meanwhile, Alex wouldn't look at any of us. Eventually, the table began to clear. People began filing out, using excuses like, “I have a paper to write” or “I have an exam to study for, see you all later.” By the time I realized who all had left the table, Alex was sitting at the far end of the table, about seven seats away from us, by herself, finishing her breakfast, Adrienne was next to me, Sofia across from me between Annie and one of Alex's friends. Upon this realization, Alex's friend told her to come join us down our way, completely unaware of the situation at hand. Alex did. Another excruciatingly painful ten minutes passed, and we all booked it. World's worst breakfast, party of six.

    1. Ouch. Hawkward and rough. That's probably about the time my bestfriend would have appeared from under the table, eyes wide and said "THESE COOKIES ARE GENIUS!" and disappeared again.

  42. So, my girlfriend at the time and I had been seeing each other for a while, and were having a study date. It was during midterm week, so all the queers had populated the one queer friendly house on campus and we were no exception. Locked away in the room upstairs, we got bored with studying and distracted with each other. Halfway through having sex against the bookshelf in front of the Buddha statue, my close and very very gay male friend started banging on the door screaming, "Cori!! Cori!! What are you doing in there?!" Thinking that Cori was hooking up with her underclassman boy-toy. I threw on my pants and slipped out of the door to a look of pure amusement on my friend's face. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" he practically barked at me through laughter, "I thought it was Cori and the infant! Do you boo! Do you!"
    Attending a private liberal arts college, 200,000 dollars. Moments like these, priceless.

  43. Wow, I've never had any expiriences quite as... terrible as those. But once I went on an OkCupid date with this girl who looked super presentable and great. We'd been talking for a while and texting. We'd even gotten to pet names.

    Once we finally went out on the date she planned, everything got super awkward and she was just really really boring. She then asked me to her place (I was in a period of "just say yes" to everything), she then told me she lived with her parents (totally fine, so did i) but that I would absolutely not see them at all. So we headed over there and walked in the front door and there was her mother in a bathrobe... and her father in his boxers...

    She then took me downstairs to watch terrible television and get high (something i'd told her I didn't do earlier in the date). So she smoked weed by herself and had the balls to ask me why we weren't hooking up.

    I ran.

  44. I have never been on a date. That is pretty damn humiliating!

  45. My first girlfriend and I went on a double date with our best gay guy friends. In celebration of this momentous queer outing we had all smoked some pot, but they were restless kin and went off to smoke more. They were taking FOREVER. It was already half an hour into the film so even though we had their tickets we decided to fuck it and just go into the movie.

    I should mention that we were madly in love and wildly in lust and basically lived in eachother's vaginas for 6 months.

    So we fly into the dark theater, plop down in the third row and start making out, we're kissing heavy and we start to get down. As I a)recover from orgasm and b)adjust my eyesight I realize that the movie theater is in fact not that dark after all and we had just had very visible sex in front of about 200 people...

    And our friends, they had gotten themselves arrested, though in their defense, in doing so most likely helped us avoid a similar fate.

    1. hahahah that has definitely happened to me!

  46. I've got a story involving my ex girlfriend, let's call her Sam.

    Sam and I had been dating for about three months. I'd met her through mutual friends at a bar the both of us visited often, and that's where we were when this happened.
    Now, I'm polyamorous, and at the time, Sam and I were in an open relationship with two others, a guy and another girl. The four of us were pretty happy together, and we found ways to make it work.
    Well, Sam and I were at this bar. We were talking to the owner, who was super-excited about a new staff member joining that day. After a while, Sam and I moved to a couch in the back and started making out.
    In walks the new guy - and stops dead as soon as he sees Sam. He swears at the top of his lungs, which of course, draws our attention. Sam goes completely white.

    This guy that's just walked in was Sam's "boyfriend" - and he had no idea that she was in any other relationships. She'd told him she was straight. This guy grabbed me by the front of my shirt and he was swearing at me, threatening to "beat my lezzo ass" for touching his girlfriend. I looked to Sam for help.....and she burst into tears, saying it was an accident, she hadn't known what she was doing with me. The bartender stepped in before that guy did anything else, but Sam left with him.

    An hour later she called me, begging for forgiveness and time to tell her boyfriend about us and the other guy and girl we were both involved with. I told her I didn't want anything to do with her boyfriend after that, and I wished her luck with him.

    He dumped her a week later.

  47. Oh God, this post has tears of laughter streaming down my face xD Just to quickly add to the pukey blow job stories, I was once incredibly drunk and sucking off my then-boyfriend when I threw up instant noodles on his dick. That's not the gross part though. Being drunk, I made a snap decision that it wasn't very much puke and I was enjoying the blow job too much to stop. I think you can see where this is going. I swallowed the puke, finished the blow job and then picked a stray noodle off his balls before going back up to the pillows so that he wouldn't know. I told him about it a few months later, and all credit to him for not kicking my disgusting ass to the curb there and then xD

    With the same guy, I once spent an entire weekend playing the Monkey Island games. If you haven't played them, they're point-and-click puzzle adventures from the 90s and they're fucking amazing. Anyway, the protagonist is called Guybrush Threepwood. On Sunday night, I was giving the boyfriend a vague, distracted sort of handjob, and happened to be thinking about the game. With half my brain switched off and the other thinking about Monkey Island, I somehow managed to say "Come for me, Guybrush" instead of his name. He rolled off in a huff, and about ten minutes later told me to please stop laughing xD

    OK, now I'm starting to think of them for this guy, there are just so many. When we first went out together - to the museum, it was lovely! - he told me I had lovely skin. I told him he couldn't have it. Flirting is hard to do. There was also the time he asked me if I'd like a dildo in the shape of his penis for Valentine's Day. I couldn't stop laughing at the idea - literally there were tears streaming down my face, I nearly fucking wet myself. Then I saw his face. He was serious. Straight men are fucking weird.

    As for women, I once woke up next to a girl I'd pulled the night and wasn't sure if this was going to be a 'lovely night but gtfo' kind of morning or a 'lovely night, stay for breakfast' kind of morning. Not sure what to do, I decided to change the way I was lying, hoping that the movement of the bed would gently wake her up and then she could call the shots. As I rolled onto my back, however, I managed to drop my elbow right onto her nose, giving her an instant nose-bleed. It did wake her up pretty effectively, however. Needless to say, it was a gtfo sort of morning xD

    1. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "gtfo kind of morning" cracked me up. so true!

  48. My girlfriend and I are real enthusiasts about anal sex. Don't judge me, we're living the life. But this one time it went terribly wrong and ended up being the funniest and most disgusting thing ever. When I was inside her I felt that she was about to take the jackson kids swimming, but I kept going anyway, even though I knew it'd be messy. Little did I know how messy it'd get. I pushed in the wrong angle, so I had to pull out my finger before we were finished and finger was covered with poop. Seriously, it had such a thick layer of shit that it took me not least than 10 minutes to wash it off completely. That's not the worst part: it was sooooooooooo sooooo smelly that the scent of her shit filled the room (the windows were closed) and it made me want to puke. I stood there, actionless, as she ran to the window, keeping my hand as far from myself as possible, but it wasn't enough. I ended up throwing up on the floor. We still keep having anal sex after that haha

    1. Hey, that thing about the Jackson kids going swimming was really racist. I'm shocked to see that on a queer site.

    2. Everyone has their own euphemisms. Perhaps it could have been written more tastefully, but the "dropping the kids off at the pool" one is pretty common. Politically incorrect by adding the jackson part, true, but since when has political correctness ever had a direct correlation to sexual preference?

    3. Probably b/c we often experience discrimination and hate speech, as do ethnic minorities. The euphemism (kids at pool) which you say is common is irrelevant, it is obviously the 'Jackson' part of the comment that's disgusting. To spell it out: that the colour of someone's skin is linked to shit which is COMPLETELY RACIST. Not just 'politically incorrect' but extremely, extremely offensive. I agree with the first commenter.

  49. Very first date, ever. I'm waiting for this amazing super tall blond in the library, just chilling and admiring some major tramp stampage on some chick and the amazing super tall blond chick walks in grabbs me, and draggs me out the door and I'm giggling the whole time. These things always happen to me, I'm like a fem in a dykes clothing. And girls can SENCE it. Anyway ^.^
    So, we get outside the library and realize she's brought a GUY along. I don't say anything, being my super-quiet-and-shy self, and we start walking down to her friends house. As were walking down the train tracks and enjoying a insainly awkward silence, I realize I just started my period, and to make matters worse, Blondie is giving the dude she brought along a handy. Right on the tracks. As were WALKING. that takes skill. I say I'm my super quiet oh-my-god-this-is-so-awkward voice "uhmmm... uhh... I have to go, cuz I'm a girl, and uhhhh... my vaginas bleeding." Blondie proceeds to stop in the middle of what she's doing and says in her freaking- amazing-super-tall-blond-godess-voice "you should take care of that." And I slink down the railroad tracks, insainly embarrassed, and thinking about how my underwear was beyond saving.

    The end. -bows--

  50. Right before winter break in my junior year of college, I contacted this girl from high school who I was crushing on. Once I got home, we ended up hanging out and going on a few dates. One of those particular times, she invited me over to drink at her best friend's apartment with another friend. The four of us are listening to 90s music and playing kings with shots of Burnetts pink lemonade vodka. The next thing I know, I'm waking up on the floor with shorts that aren't mine on. I get the recap of the night: got soo wasted that I started crying about my ex-gf, made out with my crush and proceeded to pull down my pants and PEE right in the middle of the living room. I was so mortified. Unfortunately, things didn't end so well with us and I'm sure her and her friends still make fun of me for that night. #FML

  51. When I was 17, I was dating this guy. It was summer, and soon he would be leaving for college out of state. The night before he left, we wanted to get a room so we could get down, but we were some broke ass kids, so we did the next best thing and got tickets to one of the Ice Age movies (cause there was nothing else playing). We get in the theatre and we're the only ones there, so we go to the very back row. The lights aren't down yet and the projectionist walks in, looks around, and leaves. I happen to know the projectionist. Her name's Emily, she goes to my school, and I've had the fattest crush on her since I can remember. Anyway, a few minutes later, the lights go down and the movie starts to play, so my boyfriend and I start to fool around. We decide we're just gonna have sex there because we're geniuses. I had just lost my virginity to him a few weeks before and he had a very large penis (I'm dead serious. It was too big for his body and he was 6'3". He actually is a [straight] "gay" porn star now. Hand to God). Anywho, my vag was still in its stretching stage. So he thrusts and immediately I yell because it feels like I'm losing my virginity again. We basically try a bunch of positions and it hurts like a mofo every which way, so I'm yelling but trying to be as quiet as possible. Finally, he eases it in and we start to do it. I had a weird feeling, though.... I look down the isle and there's Emily staring at us with another worker. They run out. We put our pants on faster than you've ever seen anyone put pants on and run out the emergency exit. He drops me off at home and I walk in my house feeling like I dodged a bullet, you know, happy to be alive, when my dad says, "What's that in your pocket?" I freeze and look down and turn white and then's my thong. He comes over, pulls it out of my pocket, and the used condom rolls out of it and flops on the floor. We both stood there and stared at it, humiliated, for like 10 minutes. Needless to say, I died a thousand deaths. And when senior year started, and everyone already knew, and Emily thought I was a slut, I died a thousand more deaths.

  52. Being newly out, I mostly dated othe femmes.
    My current girlfriend, however, is a butchy...
    And to this day, neither of us have ever forgotten the very first time she ever let me go down on her, approximately 2 months into our relationship. I knew that I was getting super close to obtaining enough trust so that I could finally please her in the manner which she had pleased me, so I figured I'd research the hell out of how to make it well worth her giving me that trust. I found some pretty nifty techniques and shit, and figured I'd give them a try.
    So we are down and dirty, and I outright combat roll her naked ass underneath me, holding down her wrists by either side of her head, I straddle her chest and talk dirty to her. I kiss her earlobes, still talking dirty, and trail my way down south, confident in what I am about to do as I release her wrists and she keeps them where I tell her to.
    It was amazing. I loved it. I loved the way she moved her hips upward with each stroke, and the soft, feminine gasps that came from an otherwise stony butch.
    And then I decided to try one of my new tricksies.
    Annnnnd BINGO!
    So I position myself to try another.
    Annnnnd she pops up yelling "you aren't supposed to bite!"
    I had accidentally bitten her.

  53. OMG. There are too many stories to count. How about the time my mother video taped my first date when I was 15? Or the time me and my boyfriend-at-the-time were hanging with my mom at the bagel shop and a condom fell out of my wallet and mom was the only one that noticed when I was 17? Or waking up, after spending the night for the first time, to diarrhea so bad it was actually running down my naked leg (and I couldn't take a shower because the roomates were in there, so I had to get a ride home smelling like shit...)? Sadly, the list goes on. You'd think I'd learn my lesson. But here's my real question-- does anyone ever actually have good OkCupid dates? OkCupid just seems like a big FAIL to me...

    1. Lurking gay boy here who met his current bf of 8 months off of OK cupid (really!). This blog is great, educational and funny! Keep up the good work!

    2. My fantastic FWB (we like each other and act like we're dating, but both of us have baggage we're sorting out before we officially take that step) of four months found me on OKC. I agree with you though, it's hard to find anyone worth it through OKC.

  54. I will also never forget the time that I was laying with a pillow over my face, completely reveling in the pleasure that I was recieving from a very sexy femme, when she pops up, kisses me on the lips, then the forehead, and plops herself down beside me, about a foot from my face.
    An awkward pause.
    "You are very beautiful, you know that?" she says.
    She then proceeds to pop a pimple on my left cheek.

  55. Also, I have super long hair, and there was a time when it had gotten tangled up in my partner's nipple piercings. That was an interesting situation.

  56. During sex, I'll hit the right spot and my girlfriend clinches her thighs and cups my ears. However, one time I happened to be recovering from a ruptured eardrum. A bleeding ear is definitely a mood killer. It's awkward explaining how you came to put pressure on your ears during a follow up doctor's appointment. Lamer still, when your girlfriend won't allow you to go down on her without a doctor's note.

    1. That last sentence made for an adorable mental image. Also- that girl's a total keeper.

  57. my very first date as a wide eyed baby dyke was with a girl who worked as a mortician.while she didn't look like death (complete opposite actually)she continued to talk about DEATH. we proceeded to a porn shop (first date!)where she slapped me on the rear and said "good game" after leaving.this was all too much for my introverted, newly out, baby dyke was all...uphill from there!:)

    1. That actually sounds like my dream girl.

  58. i just came out a few months ago, and posts like this are appreciated for reasons i can't quite put my finger on. all i can say is that i read this a few days ago and have thought of it when i'm about to get down on myself. so thank youuuu ;P

  59. Okay, here we go! My then girlfriend, my best friend Tyler and myself were having a movie night in my barn. It had gotten late and I went to put the movie mr and mrs smith in. Tyler appeared to be asleep so it was just me and my girlfriend. I was just getting over a headcold so I had all the lovely sniffling and head congestion going on. We start fooling around and I go down on her. The whole time I'm trying to not keep sniffling, as its not the sexiest thing. She finishes and goes to pull me up to kiss her and I can feel my whole face is covered in snot XD I try to wipe it off on my shirt before she notices and when I look over her shoulder I see the glow of my friend Tyler's phone XD. He has woken up in the middle of us having sex and had turned away and put his headphones in XD. I didn't get caught with the snot, but Tyler will never let me live down the awkwardness of that moment XD

  60. I was the Girls dorm R.A. I met my girl on IRC in #Xena. No lie. 3 months into our online relationship she decides she can't wait anymore. She's gonna fly down to see me. For my birthday. I'm nervous as hell. I hadn't come out to anyone except for one of the other R.A.'s and I'm a virgin. I go to pick her up at the airport with my R.A. friend & her boyfriend & get stuck at security. (This is when you could go meet people getting off the plane. Pre-911) I had dressed up & put all this silver & metal jewelry on with boots that had metal tips & earrings & a big fancy metal covered belt. Tons of metal. I basically am having to strip down right in front of everyone. It takes me a good 15 minutes to get through. She thinks I stood her up. I'm panicked, so when I finally see her, I run to her like a crazed idiot, redressing myself along the way & hug her so tight that I nearly break her ribs. We leave the airport & I drive around for 2 hours trying to find this swanky coffee shop to take her to. She is beginning to wonder if I'm driving her out to the middle of no where to kill her because we end up in the backwoods somewhere. She finally mentions that anything will do because she's starving. It's now like midnight or later, so our options are limited. I find a Kettle.
    We get seated & I'm still incredibly nervous but also amazed at how incredibly beautiful she is. Awed. We are talking & I keep 14 yr. old boy punching her. Harder than normal 14 yr. old boy punches because I'm nervous. My R.A. friend can see her discomfort & mentions that maybe I shouldn't beat my date up. I realize what I've been doing & feel so stupid. Oh yes, I'm a winner.
    So we get back to my dorm. She was really sweet when I told her I was a virgin & told me there was no pressure & that when she came to see me we didn't have to do anything I was uncomfortable with. We could just hold hands & talk. I thought that was so sweet & romantic. However, 20+ years of pent up sexual frustration took over & as soon as she kissed me, I shoved her on the bed & began to make out like there was no tomorrow.
    She stopped me & asked me not to kiss so hard. Apparently I was pushing my mouth so hard against hers that her teeth had cut a groove into her lip. Ugh. Winner.
    We end up naked & I discover that I'm really loud when I have sex. REALLY loud. She keeps giggling at me & seems afraid that someone will hear. It was cool though because I was the R.A. & everyone on my end of the floor had gone home for the weekend.
    At least I thought they had. Apparently the two girls DIRECTLY across from me had not. They thought I was being murdered & went & retrieved the Dorm Mother. All three of them stood at the door & the Dorm Mom determined I was not being murdered & told the girls to go back to their room. (She was very cool)
    So, after a night of unbridled passion & amazing sex, I go down to the vending machines to retrieve breakfast to fuel more passion & all of the R.A.'s including the Dorm Mom are sitting in the lounge. They all stare at me & smile. My friend, the one that had come with, looks at me & says, "Did you have a good night last night?" Everyone snickers & laughs. I'm looking at her like, "Hey, keep it on the down low!!!!".
    I stuttered & stammered in fear. "Um,yeah." That's when my friend informs me about the girls across from me & what transpired. I grab my vending machine loot & run back upstairs glowing red.
    Despite all of the incredible awkwardness, the girl didn't try to escape. Not only that, but 15, soon to be 16 years later, that same girl is still in my bed every morning.

    1. Aww! Very funny, sweet story! :)

    2. That's sweet! And meeting on #Xena sounds like the best way to meet. /Xena geek

    3. OMG, that is the sweetest thing I've ever heard!!! I'm so jealous!

  61. My girlfriend and I have had a long distance relationship going for 4 years now and at the beginning, I still lived at home. I've been lucky enough to have an accepting family and were ok with her visiting and even staying in my room. This happened probably 2-3 months into us dating and probably only the second time she had come to stay with me for the weekend. It's Saturday night and after hanging with my family and waiting for my Dad to go to bed (I've always been weird about my Dad seeing us go to bed or her parents for that matter so we'd wait for the adults to bed first), we retired to my room for sexytimes. Things are going great, the sex is fantastic and apparently we were unaware of just how awesomely loud we were being. All of a sudden, my 16 year old brother, pounds on my door, all serious like there's a fire, and yells "Keep it down in there! Some people are trying to sleep around here!!" Needless to say, it was hard to keep going after that and the next morning was awkward. Now it's something we can joke about and thankfully my Dad never found out.

  62. Yes! OK CUPID!

    I have always had similar okcupid experiences. They will be so attractive and smart and cool, but the chemistry just isn't there, or isn't very strong. I had given up on ever finding anything but friends and interesting stories there. Anyway,

    This person drove from three hours away to meet me. We drank champagne by the river, then beer on the couch, then redbull at three am. Smoking, etc. We got fuucked up, partly, I think because we were both soo nervous, and feeling pretty into each other.

    Wasted, I decide this kid's gonna be my first one night stand (Never even fucked anyone the first day I met them before...) and we go to my room. I'm getting super ultra awesomely topped, and really enjoying myself when they abruptly emerge from my cunt, get up and walk, naked, past my roommates to the bathroom.

    And end up puking in a bucket next to my bed for the next twelve hours straight, while I feel like an unprepared stranger/nursemaid, wiping sweat off their brow and telling them little stories to distract from the nausea. Also like maybe I have a toxic vagina.
    When they could finally drive we said a sheepish goodbye and I thought that would be it. What a weird date.
    Then everyone in my house, including me caught the horrible puking virus.
    And then, because they insisted they were usually more charming and better in bed then that, I went out with them again a while later.
    And now we're in love, moving across the country together.
    You never know.

    1. Lovely! It's nice to know things can turn out so well with such disastrous beginnings :)

  63. Once upon a time, I was drunk. I was relaxed and drunk. And I was getting eaten out by a dude. I was on my hands and knees and he was going to town when suddenly he moved a little further north. At first, I was startled. I'd never had a tongue in my number 2 parts! But then I relaxed and let him go at it (after deciding there would be no more kissing). Well, I guess I got really relaxed because I farted. Right in his mouth. I immediately dove under the covers and listened to him sink further and further into shock: "you farted..... in my mouth... i just ate your fart". Apparently it wasn't a huge deal to him because he mounted me a few minutes later, but man - it took me years to get past that feeling of mortification.

    1. I didn't LOL until this story. :)

  64. So i was out the other day an saw a girl wearing this chick fil a parody tee that said some chicks are gay instead. I had to talk to the girl because of course she was hot and I needed that tee well apparently my comments worked because deffinately hooked up and got the website haha. Bonus! So figured id share with everyone

  65. I think this happened in my junior year of college. I had been talking with this girl for about a week or two, had a crush on her, thought she was straight. Turns out, she's mostly straight but not entirely, thinks she might like me but she's never tried to be with a woman before. Hookay. So I decide to take it slow.

    I attend the college's annual drag show because I'm gay as fuck and love having reasons to look damned good in a suit, thank-you-very-much. Anyway. Suddenly we see each other from across the room. I smile and nod (she's with sports friends) and she smiles and tiny waves and suddenly she's gone. Next thing I know, her head's popping up from under the table right next to me and she's sitting next to me and we're holding hands and her heads on my shoulder and we're dancing together and we're talking and it's comfortable and friendly but not all "hey come back to my room and get in each others pants" sort of a vibe going on at all. More like friends who've just admitted they might like each other as more and are doing the shy slow thing.

    I stress this because she walks back with me towards the dorms and I'm thinking nothing of it when she comes in my room. We hangout and talk a little more, but it's time for her to meet back up with her friends and go. Now, I'm a hugger, I hug everyone. So I do what I normally do when saying goodbye to a friend. I hugged her. Perhaps in a slightly more bodily contact and longer then a 1/4th of a second sort of way, but it was still totally a hug. Maybe inching it's way towards holding.

    Suddenly, vibration. She's laughing!

    It starts as a muffled quiver, then a tiny giggle. Suddenly in my arms there's this girl who is pushing lightly at me in a fit of uncontrollable giggles and a couple of snorts. I drop my arms quickly and try to ask what the hell (politely), but she's already gone. Hallway deserted. Completely fled the scene.

    We finally got together and dated for several months after that, but I still don't know what was up that day.

  66. It's amazing how reading these brings back all the awkward/awesome memories.

    So I was visiting a friend for her college graduation last year (let's call her S.) She lives in redneck country, but somehow managed to introduce me to her /very/ liberal, /very/ into me good friend D. We hit it off stunningly.

    Fast forward two days. We're totally into each other, but since I was on a vacation trip, it's my last night I get to 'hangout' with S and D. But D's late and S has to get to work. S finally shows up, all three of us and two parental units hangout (because we're cool enough to bring our parents along shopping for a bit). Buuut S has to go, so D and I 'innocently' suggest that I hangout with D until S gets off of work and we'll have a sleepover. Everyone agrees to this plan, I think all of you can see where this story is going.

    Fast forward again. It's 12:30pm, we were supposed to be back at S's house by 7. Parents have been freaking out, D and I have been making out like crazy. We even made out at the redneck gas stop in full view of the attendant. Now we're parked in the grocery store parking lot near S's house, car off, making out one last time. Mmmh, ahh-


    Whatthe-!? We scramble to sit up and look around. Her GPS has magically turned itself on. With the car off. And us making out in the front seat. Two seconds later? Her radio joins in:

    "aaaaaaaaaruba, jamaica, oooooooooh I wanna take ya..."

    This goes on for another three minutes, her possessed car radio and GPS both actively encouraging us to continue and to go home immediately. Unable to continue making out while listening to cheesy music and stern GPS woman, we finally settled for holding hands and kissing once more in the driveway on the way home.


  68. So, my girlfriend and I were getting busy in my room and everything was great. I kind of had to fart, but didn't want to ruin the moment so I tried to convince myself I didn't have to. She started going down on me and I totally lost the ability to think about anything else, and I farted. Right on her face. We tried to keep things rolling, but it was too damn funny. We ended up rolling on the bed laughing until tears came out of our eyes.

  69. Ah, online dating. I met a girlfriend, for the first time, at an airport. I totally introduced myself to the wrong girl. While we were laughing about the incident my actual date walked past me. She was on the lookout for a single girl. I found her at baggage and dove right into the explanation. It took her the entire story to realize who I was and by then I was just creepily laughing by myself. So much for first impressions. I figured a hug would ease the tension. It didn't, she bulldozed me and took off in a sprint. I asked, "Where are you going?" she didn't know. So we kept about 20' apart, her walking ahead of me as I gave her directions to the car. I attempt to help her put luggage in the cargo and she steps away like I'm coming at her with a knife. I finally have to ask what her problem is. She explains that she thought I was going to try to give her another awkward hug. Was it really that bad? We make for our destination. Now I'm the type that can't chew gum and walk. Here I am trying to make conversation and drive. First I go the wrong direction down a one way exit. I fail to realize there is only one toll booth in operation at the airport and cut horizontally across all the lines to make up for it, incidentally causing a group of cars to follow my crazy route. I never carry cash and the Toll Troll refuses to take my card. We get into an argument over $1 (I know, I'm ridiculous at this point)The girl finally hands over a bill and kindly asks if we can leave. We do, but have to endure the woman lecturing me while the gate rises, "What kinda fool don't even have one dollar". By the time we make it to the freeway I'm livid and I've given up on all conversation. My driving gets worse. It was an hour of complete and total silence to our destination, her gripping the stability handle on the car ceiling the entire time. After sleeping off that first day we actually got along great. Shared a laugh over me wasting my good introduction on a stranger, her being so nervous her brain tells her to run instead of hugging back and my terrible driving.

  70. My ex gf and the boy she left me for (he looks like Linguini from ratatouille, and not in a cute way) were at a party that I also attended. While this was over a year since we split, it was still awkward. So we're all dancing, them together and me with another friend very nearby (small dance floor). She did her one move of dropping in sorta low and her little hip wiggle. Well. In my head, it was a competition, so I dropped it low too. Except I went too low, apparently, and my pants split from back to front right along the crotch seem. My dance partner had disappeared and there I sat, on the floor, pants in two pieces, desperately trying to make my shirt longer.

    I made a valiant effort to laugh it off.

    1. This is something that would happen to me. Really. hahahahh

  71. My girlfriend and I had just come back from uni holidays, and had been out at the uni bar with some mates. We stumble back to my room at about 2am, eager to get down to business, and a little bit drunk. Things are going well, we're unclothed and going at it, when she goes to flip so I'm on top, flinging me off the bed and into my bar fridge that acts as a side table. The few weeks at home in our double beds had made us forget how ridiculously small the singles at college are. She thought she'd killed me, but I was pissing myself laughing. I laughed so loud my neighbour banged on the wall telling me to shut up, ahaha.

  72. I had started college, and in my group of friends there was a very attractive, soft butch type of girl. I started to crush on her, hard. I have always liked girls, but never had the chance to have a relationship/get close to one, so when she was flirting over text with me, I was both terrified of where this was going to lead, and excited at the same time. Fast forward a year, and we have gotten to the point of her asking me out. A few weeks into our relationship, we finally have sex. (She had a single size bed, and lived with her parents, so we had to keep it quiet) So there she is, going down on me, and I orgasm. I clench my legs around her face in a headlock type of move, and turn to the right. And with her hands around my thighs, she had no way of holding us up. So we fell from the bed with a thud. Her mother heard and came to see what the commotion was. Great start to my new les-life (I was mortified) Fast forward again another few weeks, and we are getting more comfortable with each other. I had just gotten my lip pierced (Because I thought it would impress her, but mostly because I always wanted to). So there we are again, she's going down on me. Caught in the moment, I bite my lip. My lip ring gets stuck between my front teeth. I try to casually pull it out, but it's firmly stuck in there. She notices my panicking and looks up, and starts laughing at the scene before her. I shout 'Stop!' and run to the mirror, looking ridiculous with my bottom lip firmly stuck to my teeth. She managed to help me get it out, and eased my embarassment afterwards, But, it's a story she loves to tell her friends now, 3 years on. I have no idea what made her stay XD

  73. Ok, so, disclaimer: this isn't an awkward dating story so much as a sex one, and neither of the people involved are lesbians. Anyway. I have a prescription timer on my phone that goes off at midnight to remind me to take my estrogen/spironolactone/finasteride combo of hormone therapy medications (I'm a trans* girl). Under the wise guidance of my primary, I chose the most obnoxious tone possible, a lion 'RAWWWWWWR' followed by a cute little jungle steel-drums tune. Well, it was nearly midnight, and following a brief session of watching hot queer porn on zir laptop, we commenced the kinky sexy times, with me attempting to be all ultra-serious domme. There we were, on the kitchen floor of my apartment, my hand around zir throat and voice whispering gravelly commands into zir ear, when...yep. RAAAAAWWWWWRcutejungletune. Worst. Possible. Moment. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to lose it there and then and break my dommely facade (I was still laughing) but ze broke out into a fit of giggles that the scene. Fortunately we recovered enough to continue, but every time that timer goes off, now, I have flashbacks to that horribly mistimed moment. I can't help but feel as if the awkwardness would have been amplified had this been earlier in our dating/sexing relationship.

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