Thursday, May 10, 2012

Conjunction Junction

[thanks Rachel W.]


Hiya poon-tangers!


Christ almighty, it's been busy around here.  

This past Sunday, after three years of work...CJ graduated from her masters program.



[Thanks Christian C.]


She's had a big thesis show up for several weeks.
Her whole family was in town, and we had people here every weekend. 


Now, between you and me, this CJ-graduating scenario is a really, really good thing, 'cause it was staaaaaarting to feel a bit like I was dating a warm ghost. 
[thanks Shushu A.J.]


Troof - for the last year here in Chicago, I was making friends - good friends! people I hung out with on a regular basis! - who didn't actually quite, um,  believe in CJ.  


And why should they have? 
[via -osito]

CJ never came out with us. She could never go dancing. She never made it to Sunday brunch. 


She resided on another plane of existence altogether, in a magical fairyland called "Skewl", where she worked 22 hours a day in the capital city of "Mystudio."  
[Thanks Rose S.]


The commute back to Earth meant she had a hard time making it to dinner.


CJ was basically a myth, like giant alligators in the sewers or your buddy's "girlfriend at summer camp."


If you saw her at all, it was considered quite lucky - it was said you could make a wish on her if you caught her and quickly huffed the printer's ink under her nails. 

Sure I had a girlfriend.


Riiiiiight.


Coming directly from her studio, CJ would slide into bed with me around midnight or 1 a.m., when I was fast asleep, and rise silently at 4 a.m., grinding coffee in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around the grinder to muffle the sound. 


Then she'd snuggle briefly with me, tap on her laptop at the kitchen table for awhile, and then slip out my door like a cat, heading back to the studio before 6 a.m.  
[thanks Amy]


In this last month leading up to her thesis show, she didn't sleep at all, ever, and I had to teach her about the miracles of blush so she would look more human-ish in color and less like she was going to suck out people's souls on the train.




I've been doing all sorts of CJ-graduating-related things, and family-type things, and writing-type things, and out of nowhere, I'm suddenly finding it hard to balance all my writing projects at once. 


It's great - I write full-time during the day for my job at Groupon, and I'm a staff writer at Rookie magazine, and.... then there's my one true love, this gayass mess.

[Thanks Sarah H]


But in April, I got overzealous and pitched one too many article ideas for Rookie and spent every night after work (where I write all day) coming directly home and writing some more.


There's been Red Bull in the fridge for quite some time. 


And suddenly it's all over. 


I turned in my last article for this month's Rookie issue and CJ walked across the graduation stage, cute lil' tassel swinging and very, very strange, Hogwarts-ish hood wrapped around her neck. 


(No one told me about the weird medieval outfits you wear at higher-education ceremonies. Deeply creepy, y'all.)




I just - I can't believe she's finished with grad school.  


The whole reason we moved to Chicago - over! 
Just like that!


And you know what?

Lil' Miss CJ may be graduated, but you have.....



A POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!!!!!



Ohhhh, so you thought no one would notice if you weren't keeping up with the readings for class, eh?


Everybody close your books and put them under your desk. 


Take out a No. 2 pencil and a sheet of paper. 
[via averydoll]


This quiz will count as 92% of your LadyFag 1001 class grade. 


(The other 8% of your grade will come from knowledge of the hot members of the U.S. Womens soccer team and a detailed, hand-drawn diagram of how you're six dykes away from having slept with Shane.)


You have five minutes. Begin.


----------------------------------------------
This is Kate.  


[thanks Kate Z.]


Kate likes girls.


Kate wants to dress in a way that screams, "I eat pussy!" to everyone around her. 


Using your gaydar knowledge and experience of society's stereotypes about lesbians, help Kate (who is not a high femme) go shopping.


#1: Find the stereotypical lesbian boots.


A.
B.
C.


#2: Find the stereotypical lesbian purse.


A.
B.


C.


#3: Which keychain likely belongs to a queer woman?


A.
B.
C.


#4: Point to the jacket most likely to hang in a gayelle's closet.


A.
B.
C.



















#5: Final, Most Important Question: 


WHAT DO ALL OF THESE ITEMS HAVE IN COMMON?
----------------------------------------------
OK pencils down! 


Well! That wasn't so bad, right? 
At least up until the last question?

You knew most of  the answers up 'til then, didn't you? 


You clever mo!  You get a beer for your efforts!
[thanks again Kate Z.]


Here are the answers:

#1: A



#2: Trick question! Most dykes hate carrying purses.  
However, they dooooo like messenger bags if they haaaaave to carry stuff, so the correct answer here would be C.


#3: B


#4: A  (But the jackets are debatable, as all bets are off when it's fucking freezing out.)


Well done! 
[thanks Anna R! Hiiiiiiiii!]


Now, how 'bout the last, most important question?  


WHAT DO ALL OF THE ITEMS HAVE IN COMMON?


Hahahaha well. 


That's simple.


For real.

Get it, mos? That's the answer! 



Simplicity! and Functionality!


I have a new theory, and it amasses lots of stereotypes about lesbians into one big gaydar clump: 


Lesbians, as a totally generalized group, like things that are easy to put on, designed to be functional, and uncomplicated. 


[thanks Courtney T.]


Wasn't that a simple, sweeping statement?


Don't tear into me, faggettes, it's just a hypothesis at this point!!


Here's why I've been thinking about this lately, mos:


The other day, I was waiting for the Red Line train on the Belmont El platform, and the train wasn't coming for 11 more minutes, and my phone had died in the middle of a tense Doodle Jump game, so I was pacing around and playing Spot the Ghey(Which is not exactly hard at the Belmont stop - that's the Chicago Boystown stop, aka the Gayborhood.)  


It was so easy - there were tons of dykes waiting for the train. 
[thanks Emily]


Dykes coming home from work, dykes heading up north to go to night classes at Loyola, dykes flooding (accident but it stays) the platform, getting on and getting off (hah!) to go to the clubs in Boystown.  


Spot the Ghey wasn't even offering a challenge.
Pffffh.

As I leaned against a metal pillar on the El platform, idly looking at a perfect specimen of boi-ish cuteness standing across the tracks, I wondered: 



What is it about her that makes me think she's queer?


[via pleaseexcusemyqueerness]
Really - what was it?


I mean, tons of straight girls have cute short haircuts, just like lots of lesbians do.


And tons of straight girls like to wear the exact same things - the same bags, shoes, shirts, and hats - as we queermosexuals do.  

Why did I think - nay, feel nearly certain - that this girl was a lezzer?

[thanks Sarah H]


The train was coming.  Suddenly, her friends came clattering up the stairs to join her.


A little pack of four girls in their 20s, all of them looking soooooo gay.


But WHY? 


Why did I think they 'looked gay'?  What did that even mean?
[thanks Elle R.]


In the moments before they stepped onto the train, I quickly scanned them - there had to be a clue; some connecting fiber that winds us lesbians together in a strong stylistic way that straight people don't always see. 


Like a graceful and sophisticated spider that can walk on its own web strands without getting stuck - only it knows which strands are smooth silk and which strands are sticky death to step on - I wanted to learn the secrets of style gaydar.



So I checked out the group's shoes: 
varied flat soles; sneakers and boots. 


I looked at their hair:  short and long styles. 
No help there.


I looked at their shirts and glanced at their bags and puzzled and puzzled AND AS THE TRAIN LEFT THE STATION IT FUCKING HIT ME:

Simplicity.  



The thing all their styles had in common was functionality and simplicity. 


[Merci, Elise and Erin]


While their shoes had of course been completely different, all shoes had been members of the Highly Functional Footwear club.

There were no little doodads on the toes of their shoes; there were no extreme decorations or complicated boots to be seen.  



Fussy Mary Jane sneakers with sparkly elastic straps? No.


Cutesy furry boots with lil' pom pom tassels?
Na-uh. 


I mean, people have been joking about "lesbian shoes" - Earth shoes, clogs, Crocs, Birkenstocks - since the dawn of minge-munching, but really: 


what do all those shoes have in common?  


I'll tell you. 


They are extremely functional shoes. 


[die, Keen sandals, die]


But the girls at the train stop weren't wearing classic "lesbian shoes"; those girls looked stylish as hell, with an underlying sort of... sturdyishness about their outfits that made me suspect they could easily outrun someone chasing them.
[thanks Aimee]

Hmm.

Was it just that I thought these lesbians had a tomboyish quality? 
Was that what was setting off my gaydar?


Couldn't be.  
'Cause there are boatloads of femme dykes in the world. 
[Thanks! Raquel via sugarcoatedrenegade]


I thought and thought. 


The bags the group sported were of the haul-shit variety - one messenger bag and one backpack.
[via chromebaglove]

No leather purses dangling with tassels and hardware. 


There were no bags in sight that could possibly be called "adorable." 

Functional bags.



Everyone's hair was even functional, in its own way. 

Rumply and short or curly and wild - it looked like every one of those girls could have gotten out of bed and been ready to go in 10 minutes or less.  
[thanks Alyssa]


No matter if it was true or not, that's how it looked.


Functionality and simplicity appeared to be the hallmark of this group of supposed-dykes I was studying so hard.

And now that I've noticed it, I'm kiiiinda startin' to see it everywhere. 



[thanks Isabella C.]


I was just at FKA, a monthly queer dance party here in Chicago, scanning the room, and...the outfits!  


There were so many casually perfect, simple outfits!

A girl who looked particularly good was wearing a holey, drapey tank top (no bra, thank you jeebus fuck I love summer), a pair of tight, paint-splattered green pants, and these kicker army boots. 
[via JF]


Plugs in her ears, two or three big, visible tattoos, annnnnd she was done. 
Her shoulders gleamed with sweat. 
I loved her. 


What did she - just finish having sex, throw her clothes on in the dark, and come straight to the dance?  


And did she want to have more later?


The flat boots allowed her to move. 
The shirt-and-pants-and-that's-it outfit screamed functionality. 
You get what you get and that's all. 


And really, boobs are their own decoration.
[via tumatwat]


You sluts snorting with derision at my hypothesis?  


Alright: think about any straight bar on a Saturday night. 


What do most of the women look like when they're "dressed to go out"? 


The hair! 
The makeup! 
The tight short dresses with the shoes so high you hafta hobble! 


Uselessly-little purses that match, excess zippers everywhere, sequins on t-shirts, buttons that are just for decoration, subtle highlights, fake tans, Spanx, shimmery body lotion.


Stuff that hollers: "I'M A GIRL! I LIKE THINGS MARKETED EXCLUSIVELY TO GIRLS!"

[Jeeyoo and Her Pink Things via jeongmeeyoon]


It's a lot.


(Plenty of stylish straight women don't do any of that shit, but there are enough that do to fill bars the world over.)


Of course, we have also have high femmes in the lesbian community (I am one, haaaay), but...it feels different, somehow.


It doesn't usually look forced - maybe because femmes are looking at what Cosmo wants them to wear, listening to what some of their queer sisters want them to wear, and then saying "fuckit" and consciously choosing their sexy, even if it causes them to often go unrecognized among their own queer community. 


[Thanks Sarah C.]
I mean, no one - queer or straight - ever thinks I'm a homo when they first meet me. 
Siiiiigh.  


They just don't see ma ghey.  


But they do see me in a fuzzy red angora sweater decorated with a sparkly rhinestone pin.


What I'm saying is: this post isn't really about femmestyle.


But go anywhere that lots of lesbians are, and you start to see a clothing pattern that encompasses most dyke styles:

Functionality. 



Simplicity. 


[thanks Jes B.]


That's why we like carabiner keychains.


That's why we stereotypically gravitate towards, um, moisture-wicking outer layers.

[Look at Court and Lauren in the great outdoors. So functional!]

Excess decoration?   
We, as a people ('cept for femmes), seem to abhor it. 


I hypothesize that lesbians, as a vast, stereotypical group, don't like ruffles, or bobbles, or visible foundation, or clothing we can't move in.  


We're actually kind of rude about anyone who does like it.

[Thanks! Sarah by Mallory]


Now, for real, y'allfags - I understand that not all dykes like functionality for their look.  


I most certainly do not have all functional shoes.  
[Oh haaaay $400 Frye boots. Do you wanna hang out?]


And I'm not saying you're not gay (how could anyone definitively say you're not gay? And why would you listen?) if you glory in extreme eye makeup or take longer than 15 minutes with your hair. 


[thanks Maria K. from blackshimmer]


God no. 


I am proposing a vast, sweeping theory to add to the lesbian gaydar collective.


And while I know there are plenty of homogirls who love nothing more than to put on a hundred accessories before going out, look in the mirror, and put on juuuuust one more....


[thanks! drawingpicturesforyou]


that's not most of the lezzers I see around every day.

Think of some of the queers you know - do they gravitate towards flat, comfy shoes?  



Do they tend to wear straightforward outfits, like hoodies, t-shirts, and pants with pockets? 


[thanks Jenny]


In your daily life, do you see a lot of lesbians wearing shirts with complicated straps, or with long-ass talon-nails, or sporting ridiculous fucking headbands on a Tuesday morning? 






No.  Those things are not functional or simple.  


They are in. the. way.  

Do you know what I mean, faggettes?  



Am I just seeing things? 

146 comments:

  1. I don't think you're seeing things. I think you're NOT seeing things. I make ridiculous fucking headbands for a side job. If you saw me on Tuesday, I'd probably be wearing an orange dress, baby blue cowboy boots, and a big flower in my hair to go teach school.

    AND...you wouldn't include me in your "most lezzers I see around every day" even if you did see me because you'd assume I'm not gay. We're here. We're queer. We like ruffles and sequins and ridiculousness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I'm totally with you on that. Functionality is awesome--it has its place, but it's not how I like to dress unless I'm going camping or hiking.

      I like pretty coats and sweaters and things with lace and ruffles. I'm not super femme, but nor am I the stereotypical functional lesbian. And it kind of sucks as far as dating or even just making lesbian friends goes.

      When I started realizing that I was a queermosexual around 16, I started telling people at the restaurant I worked at. Most of them looked me up and down and said "Yeah...sure. Okay." Gay girls didn't look twice at me, even when I tried so ridiculously hard to be obvious about hitting on them. At Pride or other queer events I was most often taken to be an ally. Even my lesbian friends at the time doubted my gay-ness, quite vocally, and pretty much implied that I was just confused about what I *really* wanted.

      It sucks to be pretty much ignored by the community you identify with and want so badly to be a part of. So, I conformed to that functional standard. Cut my hair, put away my heels and broke out the sneakers. I stopped doing my make-up and it took me about 10 minutes to get ready in the morning as opposed to my normal 45. It was very convenient for getting out of the house when I woke up late. But I didn’t feel like me.

      I’m growing my hair out again. Back to doing my make up (my bright blue eyeshadow always brings compliments). Back to wearing headbands and heels and dangly earrings and pretty necklaces. All usually with jeans and a t shirt. I may not be noticed as easily. I’ll miss the “nod” from obviously queer girls. But at least I’ll be me again.

      I admit functional dress and simplicity is usually how I identify local lesbians too—it’s a pretty good general rule. And you definitely mentioned there were exceptions, Krista, I just wish more people realized that and were more accepting of the idea that not all lesbians look like lesbians. Doesn’t make me any less in love with having sex with women. :P

      TL:DR Don’t you just wish gay ladies had invisible signs above their head that only other gays could see? Proclaiming their gayness to all the other gays? Life would be a lot easier.

      Delete
    2. @Unicorn Huntress

      "AND...you wouldn't include me in your "most lezzers I see around every day" even if you did see me because you'd assume I'm not gay. We're here. We're queer. We like ruffles and sequins and ridiculousness."

      GUUUURL I know!!! I'm a high femme - no one thinks I'm gay either! I like sequins and sparkly shit and ridiculous things sooooo much! It's hard out there for lovahs of the pretteh!

      And @Sam: That WOULD be so much easier;P

      Delete
    3. @Sam, thanks for sharing that. A heartfelt personal experience is never "TL; DR." It was pretty inspiring to read about how you came back to yourself and started living life again in a way that matches the inside of your own brain instead of others'. Best of luck to you.

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    4. Ha! Love this! My neighbors see me come home as Sarah Jessica Parker and emerge as ... icky.. but Shane? Love both worlds - love this blog!

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    5. I'm going to be the greatest bitch on earth and say that 'functional' look as done by every single gay girl in my city is something I have never, ever seen anyone pull off, it universally makes everyone look fat and ugly. I'm all for masculinity, but I'm also for stylishness. It drives me insane that within the lesbian community that if you have even a hint of chic attached to anything you wear you're instantly read as femme. I'm not femme, I just don't like looking like I got dressed in the dark.

      Delete
  2. Functionality drives all my choices in life: car, clothes, education, jobs, friends, relationships.

    I love your blog; thanks for publishing it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I laughed so hard at you having to introduce CJ to foundation! I love your writing. Great post:) Also, I completely agree: Excess decoration is always something I look for when trying to spot a gay.

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  4. Oh, dear dear dear. Have you forgotten your Twin Cities roots so quickly? There are more dykes in tiny headbands at the Townhouse than you can shake a softball bat at.
    And as for *this* femme, every time I get dressed to go out, I look like Marc Jacobs and Lisa Frank had hot, meth-fueled sex and then vomited on me.

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha ok #1: Townhouse headband-girls are wearing those tiny elastic headbands around their heads, A CLASSIC SPORTYDYKE ACCESSORY;

      and

      #2) That's the best description of clothing style ever and NOW I WANT A PICTURE REAL BAD.

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    2. You asked for it!
      Check your submissions box. ;)

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    3. OMG so excited!!! Thanks!

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    4. I want to see! We need a tumblr for the sparkly invisi-femme style so we can band together and be known. :)

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    5. Nobody can accuse me of being "invisible." My goal when I go out is to be so over-the-top femme that straight guys don't hit on me because they think it might be gay.

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    6. @Rugburns: LET ME SEE OMFG. Must learn how to spot ya'll femmes. <3

      Delete
    7. Sure, where do I send it? :)
      Oh, and I don't claim the authority to make generalized statements about what constitutes "femme" except perhaps for this one: "Femme" means making femininity completely and indubitably your own, and that is why some of the shit that has been written on this thread is so incredibly fucked up, i.e., fancy clothing = submission to the male gaze and high heels = setting oneself up to be raped. I mean really, what the fucking fuck are these people saying, this is horrible.

      Delete
  5. functionality and simplicity is deffffinitely true for me. earrings have become like, a once a week occurrence at best. headband if i'm feeling particularly motivated.

    also- i love this blog. i actually saw you at ivyQ at Brown but was too nervous to say hi... i just want to let you know that this blog was absolutely essential for me in accepting myself/loving myself/having fun with being gay. every post is a day brightener for sure... thanks! :)

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  6. My life makes so much more sense now - thank you!

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  7. Rad post, just thinking about it for a sec, i realised, that the only time im in accessory world is when im going to family functions(im not out to them, ghetto roman catholics, im not quite sure how to bring it up) anyway, since i was a kid, my moms always made comments about my dress sense, and making sure that i femme up my outfits ‘we don’t want people thinking you’re lesbian now do we’ and this is while wearing my standard uniform of jeans, t and trainers... functional, simple and comfy... what more would i want? Now i add a few “pretty” things when im out with my mom... so she doesn’t hound me about my outfit the whole time we’re hanging out... gosh... i need to have that conversation!!!

    A <3

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  8. Ha this totally explains why every time I go somewhere remotely gay I have this awkward 'No really Im gay, yes Ive always been gay, no Im not confused about what gay means' conversation because I bloody love fussy clothes (and accessories and hair and makeup). However I still tend towards practical shoes. Maybe my feet are the gayest part of me?

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    Replies
    1. that's exactly me! not so much with fussy clothes but i'm all vintage dresses, big earrings and lots of eye make up. but i have super short short hair and a massive collection of ballet flats. sensible and comfy top and bottom. maybe my feet and hair are the gayest part of me too.

      Delete
  9. I think what you're seeing is the freedom to say fuckit to the all-invasive male gaze.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly. That's the source of my gaydar. And you can always tell. There's just something so different about the attitude of someone who is ignoring the male gaze.

      Delete
    2. Ooh, I really like this point! Very simple, and makes perfect sense.

      Delete
  10. That's odd. My clothes are totally functional: t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, backpack -- and yet I look totally straight. Maybe I'm doing something wrong.

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  11. Personally I think it has more to do with eye contact. I only ever mis-guess straight girls as gay when they make long, unbroken eye contact with me, no matter what they're wearing...

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    Replies
    1. YES! Haha! I just realized that is how I test to see if a girl is queer...make eye contact and see how long she lasts. If we top out at 5-ish seconds, she's gay....

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    2. this was the first thing i noticed when i came out. the long eye-contact thing. just a different way of seeing you.

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    3. *cries* and what about all of us super shy girls who turn pink and can't look at attractive people at alllllll

      Delete
  12. I don't know, for the most part, I totally agree, but what about those hipster queer girls with their bandannas and hats and sunglasses and suspenders and vests and weird bracelets from that boutique that you probably don't know about? And skinny jeans, fuck. Skinny jeans are the least functional thing ever. Have you ever tried to take someone else's mofo tight skinny jeans off their lovely queer legs and not been able to do so? Buzz kill.

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    Replies
    1. BWAHahaha TOTALLY!

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    2. Ugh, cannot wait for that fashion trend to be over. Tried them on once...took them off and wrote it off as RIDICULOUS. I think it makes women look top-heavy, and if they don't look top-heavy they are too skinny for my tastes (usually unhealthy-looking).

      Delete
    3. Yeah! First, buzz kill. Next, make you look like a muffin. Thirdly, only fit super skinny chicks well and I usually just want to feed them or to have something to hold onto! Fourth, look bad if you have a nice, curvy butt (which is the most attractive quality ever!!!) Still never seen skinny jeans look good on any nice Latina derriere

      Delete
  13. YES to the functionality. I think queers have to think about things a lot, this being a complicated heteronormative world, and so we THINK about things like, "if I had to, could I run in this? if I had to, could I quickly strip for a quick roll in the hay? if I had to, could I climb a fence?" et cetera. Also, we have EXTRA reasons, besides just common sense, to reject stereotypical 'requirements' for women: why should we wear shoes we couldn't run from a rapist in (seeing as we recognize the women-hatin' that goes on all the time)? Why should we wear dangly earrings that could get caught in scarves or yanked by children? Why should we accept form-fitting clothing that keeps us less warm in the winter than a men's-department jacket? And why should we have to do ANYTHING time-consuming with our hair--is it not good enough just the way it is?
    So yeah. Functionality. Definitely how I dress.

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    1. The hair thing: mine is as short as buzz-cut and as long as 5-ish inches, depending on the last time it got buzzed. I know when it is time to buzz again when twice in the same week I wake up and have to do SOMETHING to it to make it look okay. Something meaning as little as running my fingers through it. It's clean, it is NOT styled. And I get compliments all the time! (Ohshit, I just realized I may have been hit on and not noticed.)

      Delete
  14. In Minneapolis, we call it EFFICIENCY!!! good work burton.

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  15. For the win, the hottest Women's National Soccer players are:

    Ali Kreiger: Sprichst du Deutsch? Well, Kreiger does, and prefers to reside in Germany. Rumors about that she's a lezzer, and I pray that they're true. Get better from that ACL injury, Kreigs - we miss your smile!

    Abby Wambach: From Rochester, NY and has a hilarious personality :). Plus, because she's bigger, she gets pushed around a lot. It takes a big woman to get knocked around that much and not want to retaliate - every. single. time.

    Amy LePeilbet: Classic lezzer hairstyle, and from the Chi-town burbs! Rather shy and understated personality - she'd rather let her skill do the talkin'.

    Honorable (or dis-honorable?) mentions:

    Meghan Rapinoe: So many are attracted to that obv lez cut and bleach job…but her attitude makes her a 'no-thanks' for me. It comes across as a "look-at-me" attitude. But, hey, she just "came out", right?

    Hope Solo: What can I say? She's the girl I love to hate. I hate her for being so beautiful but straight (one instance that I'd like to turn a girl…just once… ;). I hate her attitude and the way she degrades other players - that's not how teammates should treat each other. But, that photo shoot with her saving a ball in just her sports bra and shorts? Too hot.

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    1. hopesolowateringthelawnintheNUUUDEohmigoodness

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    2. You shut your mouth about Hope Solo this instant. Brianna Scurry shouldn't have been played, everyone knows it. I'd rather Solo be truthful than sit there and take being benched to the detriment of the team. I mean shit, that Brazil game is enough to absolve her of all flaws.

      Delete
  16. I have totally thought about this in trying to figure out my own style. I don't identify very well with the butch-femme binary whatever thang, but I did figure out that I just wear what I want. And what I want to wear is always comfortable. Easy to move in. Does not require maintenance throughout the day. Occasionally, those things fall into a "femme-ier" category such as dresses and skirts, but I ALWAYS dress comfortably. Sometimes that is some baggier jeans and an oversize t-shirt, sometimes that is a sun dress. I wear makeup and/or heels once, maybe twice a year (and only for the photos, if necessary at all.) Makes so much sense.

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  17. As a total mo'd out lezzer that enjoys the simplicity of my slip on Vans,skinny jeans, and t-shirt, I am constantly on the look out for the femme-bians. I utterly love femme's. I typically don't have a problem with identifying said ladies. All it takes is a drawn-out gaze or, if I'm lucky (typically I am)a drawn-out gaze and smile quickly followed by the OH! so notorious hair ruffle. Oh-em-gee does that tickle my fancy! Any day of the week, I'd rather take the chance of buying a femme a drink in hopes that she's a mo. If she's not, I'm only out a few bucks but made her smile anyways. Any femme that I have ever known craves to fit in with their fellow lickers without having to chop their hair off and throw on some boy-inspired attire. My only advice is to not do that. stay true to your self and the universe will guide you to the right people.

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  18. Aaaw, perfect timing! I grew my hair long due to peer pressure and as much as it does look good I just can't deal with it when I look in the mirror, same thing goes for clothing, I've been planning to go shopping and cut my hair for ages (over a year actually) and I'm finally about to do so this weekend.

    I'm defiently a functionality/simplicity focused lez, just need to find out what exactly I do want from that categorie now... Oh dear.

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    1. "oh dear" is right haha. I've had this crisis a few times and I'm only 23. There seems to be this 'grow my hair,cut my hair' trend. Also a should I wear girlier clothes or stick to my "hipster" tendencies dilema lol. It sounds like you are definitely in need of a self-finding shopping spree, and I totally want to go with you lol. Shopping is a hobby of mine. I'll send good shopping advice your way lol

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    2. Oh, I've known all along what I like and don't like and then what I like kinda got lost because of peer pressure, I'm only 19 and I 'had' to change my style in sixth grade. Haven't recouped from it yet but it's defiently about time. I'm just scared when it comes down to it, you know how it is.

      Could definetly use some tips, shopping just, ugh. There's nothing (I exagerate) that fits me right (I have large shoulders) it's made for tiny people, 'tis sad. Plus all my friends are strait so I get put in random clothing that althought looks go really isn't me. /end rant

      But yeah, go with what you know! Hipster style is epic, if you like it do it.

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    3. So what style of clothing do you see your self in? My gf has wide shoulders, but it's not something that people look at when taking in another's appearance lol. eyes has to definitely be #1..then smile. It's cool that you know who you want to be! getting there is the hard part, but you can do it. We mo's are strong for a reason:) I didn't even know what a hipster was until this year and now everyone is calling me one lol. it's strange. I'm just me. It's the best any of us can really do.

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    4. Eeeh, well, yeah I got nothing... Eyes are easy for me, my favorite colour is blue and so are my eyes so they pop out. I'd say a third of my current wardrobe is blue so that works out. When it comes to what I'd like to wear... I dono, I tend to like men's clothing, especially the shoes (oh god the shoes o.o ) that I see when shopping.

      Practically everyone is a hipster in Montreal, even if everyone hates them (try and figure that one out). But yeah, it did pop up recently and it looks great but everyone looks gay, then again my gaydar is horrible.

      Delete
    5. Omg guys have way better shoes than girls lol.Not everything has to be pink.It's my least favorite color. Blue eyes are stunning! however, I'm a huge fan of green eyes. After all, that's the color of mine. You should totally go on this shopping spree. let us know how it goes:)

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    6. Green eyes are really rare, that or I don't pay attention, eye contact is a dangerous thing alright! I'll go shopping soon, I swear, as for you hipster all the way ^^

      Delete
    7. :) I love my green eyes. I feel like they are pretty rare too. I'm excited for you to refind your style:) good luck "anonymous"!

      Delete
    8. Update: Got my hair cut, feels sooo much better. Definetly changed my day-to-day positively.

      Delete
  19. This is completely and utterly true, especially concerning the group of lezzies I hang out with. It's simplicity, certainly, but I also think that COMFORT is a huge component.

    I would also like to point out that it isn't just femmes that spend ridiculous amounts of time on accessories. My girlfriend (a cute and adorable cross between an aggressive biker-guy and an irresistible boi-prince) is completely obsessed with accessories and spends an hour or more on her hair and make-up every morning.
    /Under no circumstances would anyone ever dare to call her 'femmey'/

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  20. This is sooooo acurate omg! So true!
    I go partaying in hoodies and jeans and no make up while my sister takes aaaages...It's always "WHAT? You're going like THAT? You wore the same for class!" :D
    But then again, when I dress up...compliments everywhere lol

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  21. Pants with pockets-- yes.

    Seriously, who would buy pants if all they did was cover your ass? First thing I check, even before I try them on, is whether or not the pockets are actually existent. My friend bought a pretty cool blazer, how did I know it wasn't a good purchase? The 'pockets' were fake. It looked like they were there, but they weren't, and I had to loan out my own pocket space.

    I buy pajama pants with pockets just because I love pockets.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly. How can I carry around my iPhone, bite guard and other sundry items without pajama pants pockets?

      Delete
    2. I still have awesome cargo-style pants from old navy (do they still sell those? Theres no old navy in my current town...)! Tons of pockets = tons of space to replace a purse (ACK!).

      Pajama pants with pockets...do they make ones without pockets?

      Delete
  22. If even a handful of high femmes exist in the world--and many more than that do-- the whole "functionality" hypothesis falls to pieces. (I did see the disclaimer you offered--- "Of course, we have also have high femmes in the lesbian community [I am one, haaaay], but...it feels different, somehow"--but then you roll right past it and continue with the hypo.)

    Also, this post and a lot on your blog are pretty steeped in--and limited to-- only certain demographics within the larger queer (and for that matter, lesbian) women's world. Most of the people you post pictures of (and perhaps hang out with) appear substantially below age 45. A lot look European and East Asian in ancestry, with some Black American (note the "American") folk thrown in for good measure. Quite a few have expressive, creative personal styles that certain professions or walks of life preclude.

    If you were to account for a wider variety of ages, ethnic and cultural groups, education types, professions, etc etc, you'd probably have a harder time wrapping up the argument in a nice neat box.

    Just because I don't think there's support here to turn the hypo into a theory doesn't mean I didn't enjoy reading it-- and all your posts--though.

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    Replies
    1. I agree with you that on certain posts there might not be a large variety in way of pictures, but also keep in mind that her pictures vastly come from reader submissions. When thinking of the EffingDykes audience, I feel like the pictures she posts are pretty reflective.

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    2. You're both right!

      @Canary: Yup, I'm writing what I see, in America, in Chicago, where I go out. And yep - most of the people I see out are under 45. WHERE DOES EVERYONE GO???? This is an abiding mystery to me. As for different global styles - good god I would LOVE to see more!! Where's my passport at?

      and @Tora: Too true! The vast, overwhelming majority of the pictures I get from readers - while adorable - feature Caucasian queergirls under 45. I try reaaaalllllly hard to include queers that don't fall into that box (heh), but I have very few pics of anyone else at all! I'm alllways hunting for photos of queers of color, queers that aren't a size 4, queers that are over 50, and homos who don't live in the U.S.! SEND ME PHOTOS Y'ALL GIMME GIMME

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    3. Krista, im from remote Australia and i would be happy to send you phots for use in your blog if you like??

      Delete
  23. That room with all the pink shit actually made me puke. I'm not super simplistic in my styles and I'm not very femme either. But pink? ohmygoodgodFUCKNO!

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  24. I agree with most of your hypothesis EXCEPT: suspenders, bow-ties, fake moustaches. Granted these aren't as high-maintenance as tassels and whatnot but they are lesbian staples that are just there for the sake of the look and CAN get in the way. I mean, does anyone REALLY use suspenders to keep their pants up?

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    Replies
    1. I do :D
      Also in the words of The Docter, Bow-ties are cool

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    2. Well yeah, they're freaking awesome! Just not functional. They're the masc version of frippery, it's all I'm sayin'.

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  25. YESSSS!!!! FINALLY A NEW POST!!! :D OMGG
    Now that my excitement is out of the way, I would like to say that all this instinct telling us that the simpler and the more functional, the gayer... well, I guessed it starting from your first posts. Lezzies don't *accessorize* and if they do... well they keep it cool and minimal! :) Maybe because it's easier to take their stuff off?

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  26. Heels: designed to slow women down in a rape situation.

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  27. OK I was all worried I was going to have to give up my complicated purse. But now after reading the comments I see I'm all good. And gay. Phew.

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  28. This is soooooooo me, and true of a lot of dykes I know. My girlfriend, who is decidedly a high femme, is often mistaken for straight like you are. It irritates her no end that she wakes up 3 hrs before we leave for work, starts getting ready an hour before we have to leave, and is always a minute or two late. Meanwhile I sleep in, roll out of bed half an hour before I have to leave, shower and dress and brush my hair on the way to the car. She hates that I get up so late and am always ready first, LOL.
    ~Anissa

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  29. This post was awesome, and very true. Where I live woman in general dress more for "function" and things like hiking type sandals are super popular. But you can always tell who takes it one step further (;

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  30. Embarrassingly, my favourite outfit is, um, a pair of aussie rules football shorts, a t-shirt and preferably no shoes. Function? Comfort. Usefulness? Limited - no pockets and I'm never gunna pick up dressed like that ;)

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    1. Oh I dunno, that sounds pretty awesome to me ;)
      Aaaaand, I love walking around in so shoes too. But yeah, the no pockets thing would piss me off (I don't do handbags or purses - no no no) hehe

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    2. Oh yeaah you've gotta love footy shorts:P especially when it's 40 degrees outside!

      Delete
  31. I am a stereotypical dyke. You are not seeing things. I hate heels (can barely walk in them and haven't worn them since tap lessons years ago), anything that is too fruity smelling( I use men's deodorant and cologne)...my hair is stereotypically short and dykey..you get the picture. And all my clothes are functional my "purse" is a big green messenger bag.

    However, after reading the countless comments and articles re: femme invisibility and blogging it myself a time or two, I have to say that I am *aware,* if you will, these days about assuming someone is straight...especially if it is a stupidly gay environment and chances are the people there are queer and not straight. So, no, you are not seeing things, but, you and other high femmes have made me realize that just because a chica looks straight does NOT MEAN SHE IS.

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  32. I've never thought of myself this way before... ever. But by this post's definition i am a high femme. I allways keep my tallons, i have spangly handbags, I accessorise, and I wear shirts with more buttons, straps and zips then a bondage night at fluffy, own plenty of heels (though i wear flats during the day). But then i don't wear makeup, love a good t-shirt and jeans and wouldn't shave if you payed me. I will also spend 14 hours straight playing computer games and do metalsmithing. So I reject your boxes and find myself happy being me. :]

    In other news for some reason men think i'm a flaming lesbian and ladies think i'm straight as a ruler. Makes it hard to get a date on either side of the fence, or anywhere in between. But I work on it. ;D

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  33. I always secretly hated shopping and overly decorated femmey clothes/shoes/underwear, but i just thought i was a tomboy, But i also thought i was straight, so what did i know?
    It took me forever and a day, but a few months ago I finally figured out the key to dressing myself.
    Everyday = Jeans + t-shirt. If cold add hoodie. If really cold add huge woollen coat.
    Footwear = Combat boots (being kickass/going out) or slightly less clompy boots (work) or chucks (can't find boots) or flip flops (summer/lazyness).
    Accessories = Belt + nondescript black bag (for hauling shit, left in car whenever possible) + rainbow bracelet (In case of accidental straight girl vibes)
    All of these things are highly practical, functional and SIMPLE.
    Same rule applies to my very long hair according to whatever i'm going to be doing:
    Hair in the way = hair goes up
    Hair probs wont be in the way = hair out
    Windy = hair goes up with extra goo :D

    But still *insert outrage here*
    Coz I am so NOT A STEREOTYPE!!!
    cept i am.. hahahahaha

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  34. Problems arise if one lives in New England or the Pacific Northwest... Many women embrace the LL Bean look, and most of them are straight. Particularly in New England where I'm from - all my female relatives have short-ish sensible hair, little to no makeup, hideously functional footwear (lol) and practical/functional/sensible everything! Whereas, I, the lone queer in the family, am high femme and always have been. I chopped my hair off and got a couple tattoos when I came out, in hopes that I'd be read as gay, but I never am. I practically have to lick a hot boi's ear to make it known! Sigh.... But I could never, ever give up all my doo-dads and dangly, sparkly, shiny shit.

    I like the comment about being able to spot queer girls by the way they ignore the invasive male gaze. Nothing made me feel more empowered as a queer grrl than looking past some guy who was leering at me. Putting a vague and disinterested look on my face when my space was invaded. They think all this fluffery and decoration is for them? Nope!
    --R

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  35. I think I'm going to venture a revision to this great observation here to account for all the exceptions people are pointing out:

    'Beans like clothing that is kinda playfully self-aware.

    Whether it's wanting to appear 'functional' ("This messenger bag IS NOT a purse, thankyouverymuch," to "Look, I'm wearing this necklace but it's made from the internal components of an antique pocket watch!"), or a more femme-y irony ("This skirt is so frilly you might think I like boys with handlebar mustaches, but really I like bois with handlebar mustache tattoos to ruffle up all those straight-looking frills").

    I think the common denominator is an acute awareness of how clothing plays into gender expression. I mean, we grew up comparing ourselves to how 'normal' people make clothing decisions. I see queer clothing as this great embracing of the play with these more traditional identity markers. We all, by the very nature of our 'outsider' status, have this superhuman-like attention to the details. It's a survival mechanism turned into our own secret code!

    There's that famous scene from American Psycho where all the businessmen are comparing the fonts on their business cards and secretly envy/admire the cards with the minutest changes to the traditional form. I kinda see it like that. Only the in-group can see these little moments of creative and inspired decisions and appreciate it thusly.

    Sidenote: Congrats to C.J. and all of your newfound writing opportunities!

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    1. Excellent, insightful, well thought-out comment. I agree 100%. No matter where a gaydy falls on the masculine/feminine scale, she is VERY conscious of how each clothing choice will be received. Good point.

      Delete
  36. Lezzie hair is the least simple and functional hair EVAH. I'm a femmey chick with long hair that is easy as hell to deal with (even though everyone thinks I spend hours on it just because I'm femmey). Meanwhile, most of the lesbians I know have short/shortish hair that either:

    a) can't ever be touched (or have the wind blow on it wrong...hell, you can't even look at it the wrong way) because it took so long to get perfect or

    b) is constantly needing to be touched for the lezzie to be able to actually see and function as a normal person.

    Don't get me wrong, I love Tegan and Sara, but they are the perfect example of high-maintenance lesbian hair. Watch any video of them and you will see that they never stop touching and moving their hair..... because lezzie hair is always in your damn eyes. NOT functional.

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    1. Ohhhmigod HOLY SHIT I never thought of "touching your hair constantly", e.g The Rumple, as "hair maintenance"....BUT...WHAT IF IT IS???

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    2. The Rumple is sexy as hell and totally makes me melt, but girl, don't get it twisted...it's definitely hair maintenance.

      Delete
  37. YAY!!! Thats me with the tu tu on my head! Y'all should check out my friend, the photgrapher, at his website http://jacobmediaproject.com/

    Its so good to read this right now cuz I'm in the process of breaking up with the man I've been dating for three years. Being a pretty/sorta femme queer has always made it way easier for me to date male-bodied people and even though I love love love this person, I have to take a risk and go it alone for a while so I can be the true gay slut that I am ;)

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  38. Even before I realized my sexuality (lets say pre-teen) I would go shopping with my mom and like plain tank tops but not those icky ones with lace. One piece of lace, a ruffle, a decorative buckle instead of a standard D-ring, anything flashy and I wouldn't even CONSIDER it no matter how much my mom tried to convince me that it was cute. I didn't even like those ugly little bows on bras -- why would you add itchy decoration on a bra? I mean, like the plain colored bras you wear when you need them to be a bra not a tool for seduction (really, you're down to your underwear, do you really think at that point you're not getting any?)

    I have never bought make up. I do own some because my Mary Kay selling relatives give me leftover "last seasons" samples.

    I own a lot of purses because my mom thinks they are so cute and they were on sale if you bought two! (one for her, one for me) so I get a purse every birthday. I use a backpack for work...and my pocket for my credit card when going out.

    I once went to a hair place that asked every client what you want your hair to do for you and I responded "look great when I wake up -- no maintenance"

    90% of my wardrobe is tshirts, sports bras, hoodies (you need one in every color, patterned and solid, different levels of loose versus snug, long and short sleeved, summer weight and winter bulk), plain cotton jackets for going over bright solid tshirts, and lots of sneakers. and a few plaid shirts (no ruffles! No lace! No buckles!)

    It's so hard to find cute clothes at the store that meet my requirements :( Not that I don't like style...just that it's hard to find enough to make a wardrobe. So I stick with simple.

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  39. When you mentioned the part about simple, functional clothing, my jaw dropped. I used to be a long-haired, hella-super-femme queer chick who loved heels and fussy, cute outfits, but ever since I got my pixie cut I've become incredibly low-maintenance. I smell flowery and love buying makeup and nailpolish, but my entire wardrobe is a few cute dresses and skirts, shirts that are comfy and either awesome or completely plain, and three pairs of pants. I own a fuckload of accessories though, but I usually only wear earrings so people don't mistake me for a ten-year-old. (Can I get a what what from all my tiny dykes out there, yeaaaah)
    Anyway, this is so rambling and tl;dr, but yes to sturdy, functional, yet still stylish clothes. You've hit the nail on the head yet again! (Also I really wish that LadyFag 1001 was an actual course.)

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  40. this is once again teh perfect description of me, that just confirms my gayness. i'm an aspiring fashion designer (i work in the industry) and that simplicity=elegance + functionality equation has always been/always will be a huge component in my style. totally gay. hehe

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    1. plus (this is the same person) i am a top, my gf actually calls me the man in the relationship, but everyone assumes the opposite-because she dresses super gay, and i wear a dress with sandals sometimes- but just DARE to call me a femme. so i wear dresses if they fit my sense of fashion etc but i am not a femme at all, im nearly butch. so.

      Delete
  41. you are absoeffinglutely right about simplicity and functionality, but gotta add one more: style. ALL OTHER THINGS BEING EQUAL, style is the deciding factor - that's the difference between jacket 'A' and jacket 'C'.

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    1. Ohhh you're so right!!!

      Delete
  42. I am femme as well and I agree. A lot of my studly friends wouldn't be caught dead in the getups they drool over. And even as a femme I like simple things to.

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  43. yay! 100% on the quiz! Even the last question. Psha.

    I have been using the "simplicity/functionality" guideline for a while to spot the gayelles. (BTW, it works the opposite with the gents) I am a miiild femme, and I won't touch a high heel, a sequin or lace, and do not do bras because I don't give a shit that my G cups bounce, I will not perk them to the top of my chest for fashion when it is THAT uncomfortable and expensive. My style is feminine (mostly), but entirely functional. Skirts without pockets are given hidden pockets in the fabric. Bags are allowed to be a nice silk when they are a simple market bag (looks fancy, but it is just a big pocket with no frills). I love skirts because they allow me full range of movement at all times whereas pants restrict my motion.

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  44. I'm still amused that I didn't figure out I was queer until freshman year of college, when I was habitually wearing beat up green army cargos with my keys clipped to them via a carabiner.

    I was also the one in my friend group who never liked shopping or Sephora or what have you. I like more stylish clothes and playing with makeup...but usually can't be arsed to put the effort into wearing them. I don't know, I don't think I read as queer because I don't put enough effort in how I dress and thus seem straight by default. So there is effort in appearing either way.

    I also don't make contact with a lot of strangers. Call it growing up a city kid, but people are so ubiquitous that I don't really look. Help me, ladies, how do I do the whole maintaining eye contact long enough for other ladies to know I bat for the girl's team?

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    Replies
    1. Literally like 2 or 3 seconds; look, smile, look away.
      Anymore than three seconds can make you look like a psycho
      Good luck!

      Delete
  45. Interesting, I have some thoughts on this that might not apply so much to an American setting as it does to my Scandinavian experience but I'll share them anyway.

    In my world a liking for the "simple and practical/effortlessly stylish" –style is very much traits of middle class people, or the cultural elite/ intelligensia if you will. Stereotypically these people apply the rule of "less is more" to their style of clothing and interior design in their home etc. (and also labeling people wearing excess accessories, sparkling tight revealing unpractical clothes as vulgar – because they see these people as lacking class/cultural capital (those people being both working class and upper class people), seeing them as childlike because they prefer things that give them instant pleasure (opposite for the middle class people, the delay of pleasure, the simple is seen as more refined and culturally superior).

    Other stereotypical traits of the same people are: voting to the left/being more liberal, they are feminists (and therefore refusing to wear clothes that are dictated by the male gaze), they are health freaks and environmentally aware (only eating organic food, cycling instead of driving to work for example), and they have meaningful conversations about art and literature. They basically strive to be "perfect people" and at the same time doing their best to pretend that it is totally effortlessly. Sounds familiar?

    Am I totally off track here or might it be that some of the things that Krista presents as typical lesbian traits, rally just are signs of a wider class belonging?

    I have a theory on how it is connected though. Because of the social position gay people find themselves in, they are more likely to want to live in urban areas, it is also more likely that they will be active within leftist/liberal political organisations. These and other factors significantly increase the chance of them having an affiliation with the above described middle class culture. Possibly?

    I know I'm totally over analyzing something that is meant to be easy entertainment, but I don't care :P

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  46. It's true, girl. You got us pegged.

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  47. CONGRATS to CJ!! -- 100%! I don't always ace your quizzes. Damn, this post is totally insightful. I know I see some of the same girls you do out there and that the über-femme are a different beast entirely, but otherwise... simplicity is key. I layer for warmth and comfort, but the less I have to do the better. Hair is lowww-maintenance and although I love doing none or a cami, I had to buy a bra and found one of the cleanest design and self-adjusting straps! I love playing spot the ghey at work still, you should stop in.

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  49. Right on target Krista.

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  50. I have noticed this too... I also think its about energy, auras and things. I can sense when a femme girl is gay even when she is deeeeeep in the closet, i can feel it. anyone else???

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    1. YES! There's something about those girls that just *pings* on the intuitive gaydar. I have no idea how to define what it is, though.

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    2. I feel like it's sort of a sense of community. It's like you can feel a deeper connection with the presumably gay lady you've just met than you could with the average straight person simply because you've both experienced or thought about many of the same struggles--both internal and external. Even just pondering your sexuality makes people carry and present themselves differently (not just on a physical level); and being that pretty much every gay lady has had to endure many of the same (or similar) questioning processes, we can easily recognize others who have been there. That's just my understanding of it..

      Delete
  51. I second what unicorn huntress said... I mean, you can't really say that the majority of lesbians you see on the street "look gay", if you're judging solely on appearance anyway... You're probably passing up a ton of invisibly gay femmes!

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  52. Hey Krista! Loving your post from (not-so) sunny London!
    Me and my mate <3 playing spot the gay at work...full of fitties :D
    Except we have noticed the phenomenon of 'alpha lez', could u provide any funny insights into this?

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  53. generalize much?
    this was probably the dumbest thing i've read in a while.... literally not one interesting thing was said
    cheers

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  54. This is so me (and a lot of the gayelles I know too!). Simplicity = :D

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  55. wow, as a queer femme this actually bummed me out a lot. i feel invisible enough as it is, and i am regularly dismissed by my queer "community" as an ally or fag hag whenever i go out. now i feel extra unseen.

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  56. i think it's time to stop perpetuating unproductive stereotypes.
    i have a response to this on my blog, linked here:

    http://thewickedchild.blogspot.ca/2012/05/tear-up-your-gaydar-quiz.html

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  57. yo dummies, this blog is for entertainment, not a published sociological study of lesbianity. please reign in your mad protesting of anything that exists.

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    Replies
    1. yo "dummy" no one said it was a sociological study of "lesbianity." and telling people expressing their feelings of invisibility to stop "protesting anything that exists" is sort of ridiculous and a really great attempt at erasure.

      Delete
  58. I'm femme and still think there is simplicity in the answer key...My gf takes like for-damn-ever to get ready to go out. I am always ready to roll in 15 mins or less.

    I wear jewelry, dresses often and occasionally rock out some heels. The trick there is that if you know me, you might realize I always wear the same accessories - cause they are easy on-easy off and I never change the 9 earrings in my head. And though I'm often in a dress it's one I just throw over my head as I run out the door. I'll do anything in a dress including ride my Harley or move something heavy. I look high femme, no one ever calls me out as gay and yet, I qualify. ;)

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  59. The only exception I'd consider to still fall within lesbian stereotypes would be excess zippers/hooks/chains/straps for punk and/or steampunk purposes. Also, my knee-high DMs with no zip. Those may not be very easy to put on (they take like five minutes to lace up properly!), but they're fabulously dykey!

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  60. After spending 10 minutes looking for my old HRC ball cap that I bought at the Millennium March on Washington, and putting it on to bypass the hair thing, I sat down to do some work. You know, linkbacks to lesbian stuff to get lesbians to listen to lesbian musicians because people pay me to do that... I stumbled across this blog, and I've wasted another 20 minutes. ...but, you know what? You make the obvious very funny, and I thank you for that! It makes me want to take the ball cap off and bump the haircut up a day...

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  61. i find this fairly on point. i always wondered how (specifically) people pegged me a dyke so quickly-- chain wallet, messenger bag, cargo pants.

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  62. "and rise silently at 4 a.m., grinding coffee in the bathroom with a towel wrapped around the grinder to muffle the sound." that is love right there.

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  63. Simplicity and functionality- ok sure. doesn't mean they don't take hours looking in the mirror to decide precisely which little boys button up short sleeve shirt to wear with their skinny jeans. am i right??! -a high femme who can get ready in less than 10 minutes who loves herself a queer that takes houuuuurs.

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    1. Yes! That's exactly what I was going to say. I guess I'm a high femme, I kind of look like the straight girls in the clubbing picture. Oh well :/

      Delete
  64. I got these rad boots last week. Brown, high ankle, unadorned, but lifted three inches. My foot's so large, and the heel's clunky enough that it doesn't pose the vaguest discomfort... But I'll be a shithound if it gets me painted as straight.

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  65. I agree with your hypothesis. It's something my sister always makes fun of me for. "GOD YOU'RE SUCH A LESBIAN WITH YOUR FUNCTIONAL SHOES." I even chose my high school prom dress for it's functionality. It doubles as an adorable little tea party or dinner party dress, and I could actually move in it, unlike every other girl in the building.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Goodness, after peeking at a few of the comments you seem to be getting a lot of flack for this post. I personally found it entertaining. I can relate to some of the criticisms, though. Many of us within the community are tired of being generalized and stereotyped, we come in more varieties than colors in the rainbow!
    Yes, you make sweeping generalizations and write about stereotypes, but the difference for me is that you /recognize/ what you are doing and acknowledge that there is a vast array of people within the community. Because of that your posts don't bother me. You know what you're talking about, and you don't seem to believe like so many others that the community can be confined to boxes. I see some truth of these sweeping generalizations within the community I observe, but of course there are many people who fall outside of the stereotypes.
    Don't let the critics get you too down! I really enjoy your posts and look forward to them every week/month/two months/whenever.
    And also, congrats to CJ.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Holy shit! Thank you! God this makes so much sense! This is exactly how I dress and people give me shit for it! I just like to look hot as hell with as little fucking effort as possible! And have a bag big enough to hold my shit! And be able to run for my life in reasonable shoes if I have to! OMG!

    ReplyDelete
  68. Soccer shorts, t-shirt, and hair tied quickly up... Seems to do it for me :)

    ReplyDelete
  69. I just skimmed this post but it got me thinking about what I like in women, just thought I would share a bit.

    First off I'm a man, girlfriend is bi, well curious anyways, she is always checking out other women and wants to have a 3 way relationship with another women.

    I noticed as I skimmed this post that my girlfriend dresses more like a dyke then anything else. I found I prefer women who dress like that, but not so much as to where they would look butch.

    she doesn't wear much makeup, she has short hair but she likes to have extension braided into it, I prefer it when she doesn't have the extensions. She does like "adorable" purses but they also have to be big enough to carry some serious weight.

    Just felt like sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. First of all, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Secondly, do not call me a dyke. Do not call her a dyke. As a dyke, I reserve the right to call myself that. As a straight man, I'm sorry, but long histories of name calling and gay bashing means that this word if off limits to anyone who has never been called that word seriously. Dykes do not dress for your pleasure, they don't respond to being called a dyke by you. And it's beyond clueless that you'd think it's acceptable to butch-bash here. I get that you're trying to provide insight into your love for your girlfriend's dyke-chic look, but this is offensive. If you'd like to get a better idea of why, I'd suggest maybe spending less time "skimming" and more time "reading". This blog is a wonderful opportunity for ANYONE to get a look into a great lesbian/dyke/gayelle/queer community, helmed by a truly talented writer. Maybe think about taking that opportunity rather than thoughtlessly interjecting.

      Delete
  70. When I went to my high school Snoball dance, I wore character shoes instead of normal heels because I had already broken them in during the school musical. That was also the first night I came out to someone in high school: my date. Poor guy. . .

    ReplyDelete
  71. Firstly congrats Krista, the amount of crap you are getting for your blog just shows how popular it has become and how much power your blog is felt to have, so on that I say congrats on making your blog such a success!! I've always loved you're blog reread all your early ones, it's like a breath of fresh air in the very serious business of being a gayelle, and for that thank you for writing them!!

    On the business of functional clothing, I've discovered my mum's (sorry mom's) worst nightmare is me becoming butch, so as a skint student, whenever she comes to visit the more functionally I dress the greater the chance she takes me shopping and buys me very lovely new sparkling femmey clothes, without costing me money. So I guess I abuse the functional clothing stereotype to get new clothes.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Krista I needed one of your chirpy posts too cheer up my world today but there is none that are new D: I shall have to make do with autostraddle!

    ReplyDelete
  73. I always think this, but then I realize- you aren't seeing the lesbians who were tons of make-up and cute clothing. because they don't look lesbian. the only lesbians you recognize are the ones wearing functional, lesbian clothing

    ReplyDelete
  74. I love your posts & your absolutely on to something. I'm a jeans, sneaker, tank top girl. When it's chilly, throw a cotton pearl button up shirt over the tank. When it's colder, add old school classic biker jacket. When it's absolutely freezing, anything goes. It never changes. It's fast, simple, can be really expensive or fairly cheap, looks good & I don't have to fuss with any of it. My keys go in my right hip pocket, wallet in the back left pocket or in the "satchel" that sits at my left hip with the strap across my chest. It takes me 15 minutes to get ready no matter what. I like that.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Well Im sure lesbian, but youd never know it by looking at me, or by watching me have sex for that matter. Im in porn and I can act, and you cant tell my level of attraction to guys is less than to the girls, but it is. And I dress like a tart cause I am.

    ReplyDelete
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