Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wide Open Spaces

[thanks Candice! via ohtinyrnbw]


What's up, gash-snackers?


Hehehe.


Remember when I was bitching about it being winter forever? 


Remember when it felt like winter would never end???
[thanks deena]


Well!  The ground has thawed! The breeze has mellowed!  


The daffodils and crocuses (croci?) are budding through the damp, cool earth, sending slender green shoots of hope up into the winking sun of a brand new day!!


It's Spring!! We've turned the clocks forward! I wake up in the light and come home from work in the light! 


Little lambkins are baaaing and there are finally Cadbury Eggs at Walgreens and all the stores are trying to convince me that pastel colors are "what's fresh this season" and it's not cold even a little!
[Thanks Ariel N - SapphicSista on Youtube, y'all]

I'm thrilled.  Can you tell I'm thrilled?



Today I got my bright orange scooter, Stella, out of storage and tried to kickstart it.  


It wouldn't start.  
  
Shit.
Well.  Sometimes it does that. 
[via fairbettysworld]


I gave up trying and went back inside.  
I knew what had to happen.


I put on an really tight sweater, an incredibly tight skirt, and extra eyeliner. 

Then I pushed my scooter a half-mile (uphill! It weighs 250 pounds!) to the repair shop, sweating in the heat of the first truly hot day this year.

Let me tell you how much truckers like to see girls in tight sweaters pushing scooters.


And you know why I did this? 


You know why I pushed my fucking heavy, solid metal scooter uphill in a tightass outfit in the unseasonable 80-degree heat, faggettes?


For sex!  For the faintest possibility - the merest whiff! -  of sex!

There is a hot woman who works at the scooter repair shop.
[JAH.via queerbrownxx]


It's no one's fault.


As I grunted and pushed my baby up the shop driveway, I saw her:

A vision. 
Shining dark hair all slicked back.  
Lovely muscles visible under a black shop t-shirt. 
A streak of engine grease on her jeans; on the phone, making an annoyed face, as she talked to a customer. 
[via indoctrinatethemasses]


She hung up the phone and grinned at me. (Those teeth!! My god! Like an ad for teeth!)


Her: Heeey, I know this bike. Whatsa matter, she sick?


Me: Uh..yempf. Agalbbbale.


I handed her my keys, and she circled my bike like a vulture, squeezing the brakes, stroking the chassis, testing the clutch. 


The whole time, Ginuwine's "Pony" was playing in my head. 
[thanks Raquel! via sugarcoatedrenegade]
What is wrong with me?


Gaaah.


Hmph.  I'll tell you what's wrong.  I know what's up.


It's Springtime.  


Everyone's crazy.


It's a proven and long-noted fact that dykes come out of hibernation riiight about...now. 
[thanks


Suddenly the bars are packed.  
The dog park is hoppin'.  


The produce section at the co-op is jammed with gayelles squeezing  mangoes and the path around the lake is filled with zip-up-clad lesbians frolicking in the sunshine.
[thanks Roz!]


Fuck winter! 


Everyone's been inside for months, and now they're ready to mate!  Nature compels us to mate over and over, and there will be no offspring, no matter how often we do it! #winningatnature!
[thanks Jennifer B]


Now, let's be real, here:  I have virtually no chance of sleeping with the cute repair shop girl.  
Not only am I unable to speak around her, I don't even know yet if she likes girls.


And yet here I am, trussing myself up like a show pony, thinking filthy things while she talks to me about the front end suspension being loose. 
[thanks kate z]


I'll tell ya what's loose.


Gawd help me.  Gawd help us all. 

Spring is in the air, and everyone's randy, right?



We want to fuck!  We want to fuck everyone!


So that's why today...


I wanna talk about Open Relationships.
[thanks Madeleine E]


Yeeeees, homosexuelles, I do.

'Cause I'm in one, and it's been working for a long time, and lots of y'allfags write to me at effingdykes@gmail.com, asking me how me and CJ...do it.


And...don't be mad, but...

I can't exactly tell you. 
[thanks Chelsea]

I can't lay out the extreme specifics of our relaysh on the internet, but I can talk about strategies and offer some tips on what works for us.


Maybe in a two-part series on open relationships!!
[thanks Sara]
If, um, you want.


'Cause I feel like everyone hears about this stuff, but not many folks are actually talking about it in constructive ways.


Ok?  Ok for talking about fucking? 


Ok.
Let's talk.
[thanks Ri]


*But first! The Very Long Warning!*


*Homos, I am not a professor of queer theory.  
I failed the only women's studies class I ever took.  I'm not an authority on this subject - I'm just gonna talk about my personal experience with open relationships.  I may screw up and say something uneducated.  Bear with me.

And let me just say:  Monogamy is cool. Monogamy can be beautiful.  It works well for some couples.  
I ain't bein' judgey- it's no better or worse than non-monogamy.
CJ and I were monogamous for years, on and off.


I'm not trying to sell an open relationship.  
Like bananas (yes), it doesn't need selling. Either you want the bananas when you go shopping or you don't want bananas - no advertisements needed.  


It's only when you've never had bananas and you're not suuuure if you'll like bananas that there might be some discussion at the grocery store.*

[thanks Anne M]

Mmkay, fwends?

So:  What is non-monogamy?


Our dear friend Wikipedia sez:


Non-monogamy is a blanket term which covers several types of interpersonal relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds.
[via stinker]


Cool. 


You get to have more than one sexytime or romantic friend at once.


Sounds good, right? 


All of a sudden, it seems like we're hearing about this everywhere.


More and more people are embracing non-monogamy. 
[thanks Miri]


Books like The Ethical Slut and Opening Up have introduced the topic to the general public, and lots of queers (trendy as usual!) were either already doin' the open-relationship thing or first in line to try it when they heard the news.


And why not?  
I mean - we're already in non-traditional relationships.
[thanks Sadie and Devin]

Everyone thinks we're freaky sex-machines anyway - why not push the boundaries a little further?  


Uncle Mike is already really uncomfortable around us at Thanksgiving; we're clearly destroying the fabric of American families with our very existence - might as well actually be having lots of filthy dirty gaysex if we're gonna get blamed for it, anyway, right?
[thanks jraak from xr2808 ]


As non-monogamy enters the public sphere, it's becoming less and less exotic to be in an open relationship - no one's even surprised to hear about someone in one anymore.  
[thanks bee]


Especially among lesbians.  
Especially especially among younger lesbians. 


Lots of us have tried it, been in one, or are in an open relationship right this second.
[thanks Isabella C]


Because, well, everyone can see the obvious, main benefit of an open relationship:


You get. to sleep. with other people.   


And still be in a secure, loving relationship with your partner.
[thanks Marie Antoinette]


And it's becoming more and more socially acceptable, at least among queers, to do this.  
Hooray!


But! 
The cons of doing the open-relationship thing are sometimes harder to see.
[thanks Christian]


There's JEALOUSY.  And COMMITMENT ISSUES.  
And TIME MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS.  
And INSECURITY and TRUST ISSUES and SAFETY CONCERNS and...well, the list goes on.


We tend to only think of the good parts about an open relationship. 


Until it explodes in our faces.
[http://www.flickr.com/photos/dat-pics/]


Ask any queer you meet! 


Have they ever been in an unsuccessful open relationship? 


Ha.


The answers usually go along these lines:


Yes/it was miserable/I'm never doing that again/two of the worst years of my life/it didn't work but I feel like it could with someone else/OMG the drama.


A lot of us have been burned before.


The bottom line is, open relationships aren't for everybody.


In my experience: you have to really want it.   
[thanks Ivan I]


But you know what?


Doing the open thing can work.  
It can!  


It takes a bit (ok a shit-ton) of extra effort and lots of negotiation, but, if yer willing, it is possible to work around jealousy and have fun sleepin' around a lil' and learn to get through issues with your partner and not get dumped.


It is!


IF everybody is on board.  



If only one person in a couple wants an open relationship, though, guess what?  


...An open relationship is prolly not going to work.
[thanks Liz D.]
Unless the other person is willing to try and be flexible and really try.


Likewise, if only one person in a couple wants to be monogamous, a monogamous relationship is probably not going to work, unless the other person is willing to try and keep a damn lid on it and really try. 


Sluts, if there's one thing I've learned about non-monogamy, it's that both people have to want it and be willing to work on it.


Otherwise things go kablooie.
[thanks Heather]
So! This is the intro to talking about this at all - I wanna see what you y'all have to say on the matter. 


We'll talk specifics and strategy next time, kay?


Got any feeeeeelings about open relationships, y'allfags?  


Anything specific you wanna talk about? 

130 comments:

  1. loverboi and i have been in an open relationship for oooooooooooooooooooooh-say 5 years now, and neither one of us has ever taken advantage of it. and it's not for lack of opportunity exactly-we've had multiple long distance portions of the relationship that lasted anywhere from 1-4 months. i guess we're really,secretly, both into monogamy?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ahhhh this is cool. Haha. I feel like even in queer circles, being in a non-mono relationship is still really misunderstood and looked down on.

    I've been in a mono-relationship-with-hazy-boundaries for 5 years, which turned into a full-blown polyamorous relationship six months ago. It makes me super happy. Finally finding out it's okay to NOT want to be monogamous. ^_^

    My only feeeeelings would be this: Non-mono relationships are NOT for everyone, but a lot of the principals of them - analyzing jealous feelings and WHY you're jealous, not just accepting possessiveness as a part of the relationship, building trust instead of setting up rules for who you can and cannot flirt with - all that stuff ~IS~ for everyone.

    ^_^ I'm excited for the next post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I know what you mean. My wife and I have always been open (started poly but that wasn't for me), and even for people in mono relationships, I feel like I have so much *wisdom*...wait, that was more arrogant than it was supposed to be. But you get what I mean? All the communication that has to happen: everyone needs to be doing that.

      Delete
  3. THAT'S ME. HOLDING THE GOAT. THAT'S ME THAT'S ME THAT'S ME! EEEEEEEEE! I'm excited my picture got used. :3

    And on a post about open relationships! How appropriate! Generally if the person I'm with wants to be monogamous, I'll put the lid on for them, but otherwise I am totally up for open relationships. I'll admit, though, I don't have an extensive amount of experience in the field of non-monogamy...I had a girlfriend once who was up for it, but it didn't really work out. I'd like to give it another go.

    I've heard of the crashing and burning, but I hear about that just as often in monogamous relationships!

    Besides, you already have many different relationships with different people already. Why put a lid on romantic entanglements?

    I would be up for a two-part series on this subject, yes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm currently in a non-monogamous relationship with a man (with real moving boy parts!) and it's great because I get to sleep with women whenever I want!

      I know (assume?) most of your readers are gay women, but as a bisexual/pansexual/heck-I-just-wanna-sleep-with-everybody-er I benefit a lot from the advice and stories on this blog too.

      I don't think I could be in a monogamous relationship with a man or a woman because each has something different to offer that I need (okay, really really want). And not just sexually. And for that matter, two different women (or three, or four, but who's counting?) have different things to offer both in the bedroom and out of it and with each meaningful relationship, be it for an hour or a lifetime, one will learn and grow and, hopefully, become more confident and aware of who they are.

      Delete
    2. Just wanted to say you are not the only bi/pan gal on here. I am married to a man, and like both men and women. We have had had open experiences, but are currently mono. So, hi! Nice to meet another bi gal!

      Delete
    3. Yep - 'nother one right here. Open relationship, primary's a cis man, I have a girlfriend, and I'm a part-time sex worker so that's interesting too.

      I do a submission based blog called We Exist: Ending the Silence About Bisexual and Pansexual Lives. (It's not my personal blog, tho I do blog about personal issues when I post). Stuff comes up often about open relationships - obvs, not all pan / bi people do 'em, but... it works for me!

      Delete
    4. Oh, great to find you girls! I wonder, when exactly should I bring up the issue of not wanting to be in a mono relationship? I am going out with a girl and a guy right now. She knows and it's ok with that, but he doesn't (and wants to marry me). Any advice?
      Cha-Cha, you got a new reader :D

      Delete
  4. I was in an open marriage for the last three years of a five year relationship. While the marriage didn't work, I honestly think being non-monogamous was probably the most healthy part of the whole relationship. When it came to non-monogamy we actually, you know, talked constructively about our feeling and negotiated compromises that everyone was happy with. Everyone involved could see that this was really important to make non-monogamy work.

    When it came to dealing with the rest of the problems in our marriage? That didn't happen so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I concur: every relationship I have been in has been poly, and in no case has polyamory been the cause of the breakup. It's often assumed by onlookers that if a couple which is unconventional in some way breaks up then that must have been the cause.

      Delete
  5. I am polyamorous and so glad you wrote about this!

    I think people entertaining the idea should definitely read books like Opening Up, Ethical Slut and others, or frequent polyamory blogs, forums, support sites etc.

    For me, its been great. Really empowering to get over jealousy, to find a whole new level of security, love, sharing.

    When you ask: "Have they ever been in an unsuccessful open relationship?" why not also ask "Have they ever been in an unsuccessful closed relationship?" - relationships end. It happens. You can't blame poly or mono for that, but more specific factors about the individuals, their expecations, their ability to communicate, their honesty, their feelings for each other etc.

    Great post tho. Enjoy spring... we on the other side are entering winter... time to hybernate with my loveS!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I dare say I'm to jealous and thinking "oh noo, somebody else is getting my baby's affection" for an open relationship. Also, the term gives me bad connotations. Please help me work around these things, should I ever end up in the position of having to consider it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just as a random reader of that comment, the "having to consider it" part makes me feel as though an open relationship isn't for you. Not a bad thing, but, you seem to have a stigma against it. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Not a problem.

      If your partner were to ask, you'd probably say something along the lines of "Darling, I know this is something that you want, and we should definitely talk about it more, but, I am naturally a relatively jealous person, and I don't want my own jealousy eating away at what we have here. But. Let's discuss."

      Kind of the "it's not you, it's me" sort of saying that you're not comfortable.

      However, as to getting around the feelings you may have of open relationships, you may just want to read more into healthy open relationships people have. Books, blogs, etc.

      Delete
  7. Hmm, i'm not that jealous, but I think I would have had big problems with my girl sleeping with somebody else! Im afraid it would destroy our relationship. But I do like the thought of me having sex with others. Soo, I should just forget about the whole thing, hahaha. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Is anyone in a poly relationship that is unequally matched looks-wise?

    I know, blah blah blah, beauty can be subjective but my girlfriend is DAMN FINE and once she bosses her way through femme invisibility it's just a matter of picking someone's jaw off the floor so she can go home with them.

    So. How does polyamory work when one person has to work harder? I'm even jealous at the thought of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That has been my fear/issue with open relationships. I know jealousy can occur regardless, but it's been really difficult working through my own insecurities looks-wise to feel like we're both starting on an equal platform.

      Delete
    2. Threesomes! Just make it clear that you and your gf are a package deal - both or nothing. Everybody wins (hopefully).

      Delete
  9. I don't think I could ever be in an open relationship, like.. Kissing someone else would just feel wrong to me? Because there's a deep level of trust and love that I feel when my girlfriend kisses me and I know it wouldn't feel the same with anyone else (it would feel cheap and dirty I think). And I'd get too jealous knowing she was with someone else, I wouldn't like anyone else having her affection.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree with you 100% with everything you just said!

      Delete
    2. I'm in an open-relationship (my first) with my gf (also first). She wanted the open relationship. She already had it established with her bf and then I came into the picture! lol

      In regards to kissing, I'm that way too. Kissing is special to me, intimate as you said, so if and when I go have have my own fun (or with her w.e.). I only kiss her. I make sure everyone knows where i stand... just so there isn't any confusion.... unless he/she wants to be shut down mid play. Just saying lol

      Delete
  10. interesting subject. Open relationships are not for me. In a previous relationship I kissed another girl than my girlfriend and i felt so bad that i never wil do that again. Also my relationship now is fine the way it is.

    but i think it is a great option for some people. What i would like you to adress is: what kind of rules do you have to keep your relationship satisfying for the both of you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Speaking as a late in life lesbian in, not only my first lesbian relationship, but my first true open relationship, there are lots of rules and boundaries. And they are talked about daily, hourly, and by the minute, especially at first. Some rules my partner and I use are:

      Very rarely spend two nights in a row away from each others bed.

      When the other girlfriend spends the night, be as discreet as possibly with the noise level. No one wants to hear their girlfriend pleasing someone else unless they are in the room with them. :)

      Full disclosure! No secrets, no hidden agendas , and certainly no lies. It does make the secondary relationships feel like there is no privacy, but if they can understand that very big difference between the primary relationship and the secondary ones, there is little to be upset about.

      And I think the most important one, complete and total honesty regarding emotional state, comfort level, and rational thought. There is a lot of reassuring involved in open relationships, and to be in one you have to be receptive to your partners moods. You cannot be selfish and give in to jealousy and panic, but you need to be open to talk about those kinds of emotions. And be open to talk about them for HOURS sometimes, when you want to sleep, when your hungry, when you don't want to, when you have tons of other stuff that needs doing, you still have to set everything aside and talk, otherwise it will not work.

      Delete
  11. Hoo boy. Open relationships can work, like you said. But the open relationships I've observed...Didn't work out, to say the least. When I personally tried it, all I could see is my partner cheating on me and telling me. I had said "If I don't make you happy in some way, then you can go find another person to fill that area." Hmph. Ah well. It IS like bananas: try it to see if you like it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh...It seems like (without wanting to place blame since I clearly don't know the situation) from what you said that this instance might have started out as doomed. Placing the concept of non-monogamy in the context of "If there's something I'm not doing" or "If I don't make you happy" seems like it was destined to feel like cheating in this case. Hopefully Krista's series can help those of us who want non-mono relationships learn to come at them from a constructive, positive angle.

      Delete
    2. Same. I tried an open relationship, every little thing felt like a test-- each new chick my gf met was like a shiny new toy to her, and eventually it felt like too much work trying to keep up.

      Delete
  12. I can't do it. I'm an insecure little ball of jealousy if my lady starts getting too chatty with someone I know she thinks is cute. But I love that other people can! :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Could you maybe address triads (where three people are in a romantic relationship and all dating each other)?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Triads are more complicated, in some ways, than other poly relationships. On the whole, I think open relationships are easier than poly, since an open relationship always insists on the primacy of the couple, whereas a triad situation is pretty much doomed if you do that.

      Perhaps this may shed some light on the issue for you? http://apolyglot.blogspot.com/search/label/The%20Trouble%20with%20Triads

      Delete
  14. I used to talk with a lesbian psychologist who was primarily into couples counselling, both gay and straight. She was never to keen on polyamory. Her feeling is that humans like to pair-bond and sooner or later one of the individuals is going to start feeling left out. However, she did point out the people in successful poly relationships were unlikely to seek her counsel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, you know, if somebody sometimes feels left out it's not the end of the world. It's just a feeling, and it will pass.

      Delete
  15. Since my last serious relationship two years ago I've had many open relationships. They usually went badly, but I kinda figured out why. There were some rules I should had followed. This post reminds me of one I did a few weeks ago. It was called "how to fuck a girl with no strings attached" . I might have figured it out, or maybe I just think I did. Anyway, check it out if you wanna.

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  16. Hot damn you have the best timing of anyone ever. Just starting to consider an open relationship--now I can get all kinds of sagely advice before I even open that can of worms.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Man. Where to start. I've been in open relationships, polyamorous relationships, monogamous relationships, you name it. And frankly, none of them have worked so far. For me, being in an open relationship works when I don't mind being second. Because if you're in an open relationship, someone comes first and everyone else comes 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. There's a primary partner and then all the secondaries. And someone always gets jealous.

    There's so many feelings to work around. And let's not forget all the mess when our periods don't synch up, but hey I guess that's why it's good we have multiple partners because there's a good chance someone is going to be available.

    idk, right now I'm enjoying a relationship with only one partner that only wants to be with me. Maybe I'm getting old but sleeping around just isn't as fun as it used to be.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Personally, I've never been in a poly relationship, but I did know a girl who was in one. The main reason she and her girl did it was because it was a long distance relationship. This way, they could get that physical need, but still be emotionally attached to one another. Unfortunately, the girlfriend confessed to my friend that she asked another girl to be her girlfriend too. She did this without 1. asking if my friend was okay with it and 2. without telling the newest girl that she wasn't the only girlfriend. In the end they all broke up. If there was better communication, it might have worked but after that my friend couldn't trust her anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  19. WHO IS 'RI'? RI IS HOT (or whoever that is in the photo)
    -a baby dyke

    ReplyDelete
  20. You hit the nail on the head or the head on the nail--not too sure which goes--but either way, yes!

    Open relationships have a tendency to go kah-blooey. I'm in a polyamorous relationship right now and its hard.

    I am a secondary partner to one of the members of a primary partnership. Being that person, its hard knowing that I can only be the girl that she sleeps with and never her girlfriend--at least like the one that she already has. Not to mention it gets complicated when the OTHER girl in the primary (who is a friend of mine) tells me that she has actual tangible amorous feelings for me and that it sucks watching her girlfriend with me when she can't. Eeeeeek!

    I ended up leaving the scene because I just felt like I was going to be upsetting everybody but now they want me back. It's just a big roller coaster and I'm sure this is not how an open relationship is supposed to work!

    So I guess if there were to be a part two, can we discuss if you're the little side dish to that standard committed meat and potatoes relationship?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Could you be happy being secondary partner to both of them? Could they cope with both being in a relationship with you?

      This guy is brilliant on poly issues: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html
      It's heterocentric (because he is hetero) but what he says is valid in any relationship, and he is LGBT-friendly.

      Delete
    2. I was about to comment on something similar. How do you deal being the non-primary partner of someone you care about? Is it easier (and I imagine it might be) if you also have a primary? If you don't, how do you get over feeling secondary/not as important? I guess it's easier when you don't want to be the girlfriend and are happier with something non-committal

      Delete
  21. I personally could NEVER be in an open relationship. I'm too jealous of a person, and I really...don't like the idea of sharing. Ha that sounds bad.
    I actually always wonder how you and CJ manage to do an open relationship, and was wondering about that as I started reading this. So finding out that was the topic was NEAT.
    I wish I had something helpful to contribute, but I don't.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I didn't have problems with monogamy when I did it with my partner for the first 4 years of our relationship. The next 3 years we had a sexually open relationship, and that worked well. And for the last year we've been polyamorous, since I met a lovely partnered woman with whom I started a relationship (with my previous partner's blessing, obviously).

    We don't do the whole hierarchy thing, we are simply building a new relationship while taking care of the older ones. Everybody is caring and comfortable with each other, and it is still working very well.

    What it comes down to is that all of us have come to openness from a place of comfort. It really won't work if everybody involved doesn't want it. But your point was very good, and not stated often enough, that monogamy also won't work when one person in the couple doesn't want it. It's too bad that people aren't usually prodded to ask themselves "is monogamy what I want". For me, I was fine with it, but started to see no reason for it in my life, and I don't think I would do monogamy again.

    ReplyDelete
  23. My brother is in an open relationship with his boyfriend of 4 years and it works fine for them. They are so open about it, too! As far as I know, they don't have any rules.

    If I were to find myself in an open relationship, I'd probably make rules like 'not in our bed', 'not with mutual friends', 'not with my ex'. But I don't have any experience with this, so I'll be interested to read more about it on your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  24. earlier in my life, i would've said no way. uh uh...no open relationship. however. as i age and feel so much more free to be my self and do the things i like to do, many times alone...well, it sounds interesting. i don't think i want to live with someone again (i'm in my 50's, i've done it enough), and thinking about a committed relationship (where I am the only outlet for the other person) makes me feel trapped. this could be a great solution to where i am right now...hmmm...now to find some women who might like the idea.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh my goodness I love this post! Non-monogamy is the bessssst (for me and my partners)!

    Advice:
    - Discuss what communication styles work best for you.
    - Use those communication styles lots and lots and lots (not just when you have problems)
    - Always practice safe sex
    - Respect your partners

    Jealousy happens in all kinds of relationships. I definitely have been in monogamous relationships that could have benefited from some non-monogamy communication practices.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm always partially confused when 'safe sex' is brought up in chicahomo relash talk...like is it considered 'unsafe' if I go down on another girl? Because there is just no way I am covering it up with that ridiculous plastic wrap

      Delete
    2. Yeah, it isn't exactly safe. So many lesbians don't think about safe sex at all. Girl on girl sex is less likely to spread STDs than hetero or guy/guy sex, but you can still get STDs all the same.

      Delete
    3. And the issue can be compounded w/ non-monogamy if either or both partners also happen to sleep with guys. Not intending any bi-phobia, just want to be honest and comprehensive re: STI risk.

      Delete
    4. Could we talk about safe sex? I mean, I get tested and make sure my partner(s) get tested. Is it hypocritical to advocate for safe sex and never ever use a dental dam? Also gloves are a thing, I guess.

      Maybe if health education curriculums ever mentioned non hetero-sex...

      Also one time a doctor told me I didn't really need to get tested because I'd only been having unprotected sex with ladies. That... was stupid and I never went back.

      Is direct vulva contact riskier? I feel like it must be.

      Delete
  26. I always forget about Effing Dykes. Then suddenly I freak out, rush to the website and there's a new post up from THAT day. Love it.

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  27. I think I'd probably try an open relationship if I ever get some self confidence and stop being so horribly jealous of everyone :P You know what are awful though? Relationships 'without labels'. Never get into one of those, no-one knows whats happening and everyone gets upset

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    1. Seriously. That's the worst. My ex and I were in one of those. I had no idea what was going on ever and she refused to communicate constructively (not that I was entirely blameless). I never even referred to her as my girlfriend until after we'd broken up and I found out she'd always referred to me that way (which was pretty awkward since we met on OkC and hooked up on the first date. At what point did I start being her girlfriend? It certainly wasn't after the first night!)

      Also, Krista, I would love LOVE at least a 2 part series - and I think you could make it even longer if you wanted to. For my part, I am interested in hearing how to negotiate boundaries in an open relationship, the various pros/cons of opening up a pre-existing relationship vs starting off as non-monogamous, different kinds of open relationships - i.e. polyamory, polyfidelity (a term I just learned recently), label-free, etc. I'm super excited for the next post!! Even more so than usual (which is pretty excited!)

      Delete
  28. I definitely showed your site to my hot gay sociology of pop culture professor and she liked it.

    My open relationship is going well but that's all because of how crazy in love we are and how we communicate. It doesn't hurt that this girl is my best friend.

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  29. I am so glad you are writing about this.

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  30. Yay! Let's talk poly-glamoury!

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  31. I'm in a complicated situation where I'm asexual but in a monogamous (sexual and romantic) relationship with my lady. She's really sexual, and sometimes wants to get down with other ladies (but doesn't). We gave the "open" thing a go early in our relationship and I quickly realised it wouldn't work for me, partly because it seemed very one-sided since I had no desire to sleep with other folks. We talked and talked and talked the hell out of it, and decided monogamy would probably be best for both of us. As a contributing factor, when we did some perspective-taking, she realized that if *I* was the one saying I wanted to have sexytime encounters with other ladies, SHE would feel hurt, betrayed, jealous, etc., which is all of the things *I* was describing feeling about *her* getting all snuggly with other girls who didn't love her like I loved her.

    Basically. Relationships are hard! Communication is hard too, but really necessary in all relationships, mono and poly and everything in between.

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  33. Great topic! It really gets my goose when people's reaction are, "ohh, that never works" similar to how I feel when people say, "bisexuality doesn't exist."

    I'm all for whatever floats your boat, gets your heart-pants a-going as long as honesty and safety are involved. Personally, I'd love more tips on how to pursue an open/poly relationship!

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  34. I know a fair number of folks through the SCA who are in open/non-monogamous/complicated-and-involving-more-than-two-people types of relationships, but neither I nor my lady are at all interested. Apart from logistics (I'm laaazy, bad at decoding romantic intent, and live in a bitty town with probably three other queer folks besides us), I just wouldn't be comfortable with it.

    As long as y'all are cool, good for you and have fun.

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  35. My ex's ex is in one of those photos... I didn't even know she read this blog... awkward.

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  36. I was SUPER curious about this for a long time, as I am new to the blog and the gayelle world. I'm in a monogamous straight relationship, but definitely see how the open relationship thing can work with some couples. This might be stereotyping on my behalf, but there are a lot of "possession" issues with hetero couples; I just can't see it working most of the time.

    I think open communication is key. I'm curious to see what kinds of "rules" couples set up: i.e. allowed to sleep with strangers, no exes, safe sex, no talking about it, etc.

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  37. For the love of all that is sacred don't do it if the other person is "straight but sometimes bi, but only curious with a few people and definitely likes guys but is rrrrreally into the girl sex but is definitely not gay/into girls." C.H.R.I.S.T.

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    1. What's super awesome is when you get an OkCupid message from the profile of a bi-curious girl in an open hetero relationship, and then you realize that the boyfriend signed on to her account to message you for me. And you're super gay and clearly not into dudes.

      5 showers after that message. Seriously.

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    2. *for her. Oops.

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    3. Both eeewww and awkward, lovely...

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  38. Not doing it. Refuse to share my gf.

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  39. I really like what you say about how you have to start with the discussion about whether both parties are OK with monogamy just like you have to start with the discussion about whether both parties are OK with open relationships. I think that's a step that too many of us don't take. That really got me to thinking. It's almost like we assume a certain default status/process for relationships, when actually the question of whether or not to be open or monogamous would be a great way to start the whole relationship discussion.

    So go for it, say more stuff! I always laugh when I read your posts, but you almost always give me something to think about too, and this one point just really stuck with me. It's almost like we assume a default sexual orientation and then have to say "I'm gay." In the case of relationships we assume a default status of monogamy and then have to shift away from that. In theory anyway, I really like the idea that it's all up for discussion from the beginning. It seems like that would give everyone more information to go on as they decided whether or not to pursue the relationship, and to what degree and in what way.

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  40. I can be monogamous, I just don't like it. So, nowadays that's a hard limit - I won't do it anymore. Jealousy has never been a problem for me - I like sharing my partners the way I like sharing a good book. I want to share how awesome they are! I want other people to love them, because aren't they the freakin' best???? You know, that sort of emotion.

    I just don't worry about my partner(s) sleeping with other people and leaving me, the way that many monogs people seem to. I mean, if all they want is a source for sex, if they aren't having sex with me because they want to have sex with -me-, then what am I losing if they wander off elsewhere?

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  41. i love the idea. wonder if i could hack it, or ever want to. probably. i love sex a lot.

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    1. If anyone really wants an open relationship to work, it can't be about the sex.

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  42. I was totally theoretically pro-polyamory but unable to reconcile my own jealousy and actually do it for years, but then a lover fucked someone else and told me about it and I realized I was more pissed about the lying than I was about the non-monogamy. And then, a year or two later, I ended up in an open triad relationship and it was totally, totally fine. Or at least, the open part was--the relationship was kind of crap, but not because we could sleep around. I think it's both less and more difficult than most people think, but that it can be hard to know if it works for you 'til you actually try it.

    And yeah, sex is awesome.

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  43. I've been in all kinds of relationships, and monogamy or not, having sex with other people never seemed to work out for the people I was in a relationship with, communication or no. The times when I would sleep with others and it was *just for sex* were great and didn't affect my relationship with my longterm lady, but it eventually spiraled when I met a man who I had many, many feelings for outside of *sex.* I wonder, how do you keep it so that you don't fall in love or get romantically involved with another person (if that is not the goal in the first place)? What are the "rules" when it's not just about sex? Can it *ever* really be just about sex?

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    1. This is what I've been wondering. It almost seems like the only way you could be sure of that not happening is if you just stick to one-night stands with total strangers. Otherwise it seems like it'd be hard to find balance.

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  44. Yes, great topic! Maybe more info about how you/others came to decide an open relationship was right for you?

    PS: Best blog ever XD

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  45. O chocolate eggs! They don't sell them here so I get people to post me some )':

    I think everybody should do what's good for them. This would NEVER work for me but it's so interesting to read about it (because you do it).

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  46. Bisexual girl here, and I've suspected for a while now that I might be polyamorus, and I'm not really sure how to break that down to people. The boy I'm dating right now seems to be okay with me flirting with girls - his exact words where "I don't blame you, boobs are awsome" - but as the ultra straight, monogamus man he seems to be I'm not really sure how to come clean with my emotions about having more people in my life than him, both ladies and gentlemen. :S Can you have more relashionships than one, even if your partner might not feel the same way?

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    1. Yes, if your partner is happy and secure in your relationship, and is happy for you to act polyamorously. You can't persuade someone to be poly, or to accept you having other relationships. It won't work out unless they are really, truly OK with it.

      It takes a whole lot of communication and making sure the mono partner feels loved, special to you, and cared for at all times. Especially just before you go out to meet another partner, and after you get back. You have to make sure that your outside relationships are not a burden on the mono partner. And the mono partner has to be *happy* to accept that your outside partners also have rights and needs. You all have to be prepared to negotiate everyone's needs, and be prepared to be unselfish.

      For a long time, I was poly-minded, but only wanted the one relationship I had, and was happy for my partner to have other partners. That worked perfectly well for about 13 years, till I met a woman I also fell in love with. So I have now been with one partner for 21 years, and the other for 2 years. It's been hard work, but well worth it.

      It may be helpful for you to read this: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyformonogamouspeople.html.

      Delete
  47. My boyfriend of nine years and I (both of us bi) have been doing the "open relationship thing" for about 2 years now. It started as a silly joke to fuck with our facebook friends (it worked, they all freaked out, lol), but then we realized it was actually what we both wanted. I think the most important part of an open relationship is COMMUNICATION and HONESTY! Total disclosure is an overarching rule for our relationship, but it's ESPECIALLY important when letting other people into the mix. We also set very clear, very specific rules for each other at the start of this adventure, in order to avoid anger and hurt feelings in the future. I would list some of our rules, but I think the coolest thing about open relationships is that each one is unique, and everyone will have different "rules" to make theirs work. Our has worked out great for us and we love it, but it's definitely not for everyone--you have to be REALLY secure in your relationship and you absolutely "have to really want it!" I see a lot of people try to do it as a band-aid on a failing relationship and that NEVER works, but if you really love/enjoy your partner but still have the urge to be with other people, I think an open relationship is definitely better than going behind their back, and if you can make one work, kudos to ya.

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  48. My husband and I have been married 19 years, a pretty solid good marriage that is the envy of many of our friends. I told him before we married that I sometimes noticed women in a Kinsey-1-but-never-going-to-act-on-it sorta way. Then in the past couple of years (two decades, two kids, two careers and a $300,000 mortgage into our marriage), I felt my attraction to women surge to more in Kinsey 3 or 4 range on the straight-to-gay continuum.

    I really wanted to get with a woman, thought maybe I was just heteroflexible. I obsessively read Lisa Diamond's work and queer blogs like this one, listened to every Dan Savage podcast in the Savage Love archives, started dressing gayer (don't think it signals very well; I'm just read as a hipster mom *sigh*), got (another) visible tattoo and watched every episode (even horrible season 6) of "The L Word." haha After some thinking, I admitted to myself that I'm queer, told my therapist, and came out to my husband -- updated him, really, that I now considered myself bisexual.

    He was so sweet about it! Before I even brought up polyamory, he asked me if I wanted to "explore" this part of me. Hell to the yes! I started dating women--always telling them up front about my primary relationship with my husband (who is not at all involved in my homo dating life, other than watching the kids when I go out). Most of the women I date are married, too, so we're both on the same page about our secondary relationship. We keep it light--text each other a lot, go out once a month, stay overnight at a hotel--and are basically FWB.

    I would say that being polyamorous has, so far at least, improved our marriage. Having new lovers has reminded me (duh!) about the importance of communication in all of my relationships--whether the topic is negotiating relationship boundaries, my partner's sexual turn-ons, etc. As a result, I'm better about checking in with my husband (and girlfriend) about where things are at between us.

    We're not very out about being the polyamorists next door. Because, if people in our neighborhood's HOA or our kids' school's PTO knew this about us, we might be stigmatized as "that couple," and our kids night not get play dates.

    Actually, the most challenging part of polyamory is time management. I try to schedule dates with my secondary at times when I'm already going to be away for work or something else.

    I think that polyamory works for us because we already had a pretty stable relationship to begin with, added to the fact that my husband has always been a super cool, liberal, lgbt-supporting secure guy. I don't recommend polyamory for every couple, but it's worked for us.

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    1. Your husband is super cool and you are super lucky. I've been on a million and one queer boards where the woman's attraction to her sex became the ultimate undoing of her marriage, and, like you said..on the hook to the tune of mortgages and kids and all...and its just a MESS. Kudos to you guys to making it work.

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  49. YAY! Krista, this is so awesome. Can't wait to read the next one!!! :)

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  50. Was in a five year open relationship with lots of really good experiences for both of us; but when it came time, (I thought) to make It exclusive... well, it was a waste of five years. But now I'm mono with the love of my life and wouldn't have it any other way. It's all circumstantial I s'pose. Do the dang blogpost.

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  51. My girlfriend and I are currently in a monogamous relationship, because we both see each other a lot and any distance isn't for more than a couple weeks. However, when I go abroad for a year, we both decided we'd have an open relationship. I want to always have this emotional connection with her while we're in love, but if I'm not with her for a year, hell no am I going to deprive her the benefits of enjoying her sexuality. I think it can work. bell hooks did it for over 10 years.

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  52. The only thing I got from a non-mono relationship was HPV.

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    1. My last attempt at monogamy ended in a similar way when he cheated on me and gave me something. I was lucky it was an easy to cure, single course of antibiotics one.
      Either way, STDs can happen to monogamous people and non-monogamous people and, in my experience, they tend to happen more often as a result of cheating or thinking you're safe because you're only with one person, than they do from ethical non-monogamy.

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  53. It is not at all about jealousy. I love my partner. I don't want to sleep with other women. Do I find other women attractive? Yes. Does she find other women attractive? Yes. But I know that the first person I talk to and see in the morning and the last person I see before I dream is her. I love her. I love her more than any other woman I've been with. I just don't want to sleep with anyone else. Neither does she. I asked because I have been in an open relationship before. I love that we are on the same page, love each other, and I couldn't be luckier or happier. As long as you are happy and aren't hurting others I say live your life and be the best version of yourself as possible.

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  54. Nope. I'm too selfish for poly.

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  55. I'm bisexual and have been in a committed relationship with a man for the last three years. We just got engaged about a month ago and with that came a little bit of concern from both of us. He was worried that I would regret settling down so quickly without really getting a chance to explore the other side of my sexuality and I was concerned that because of my falling in love and marrying a man my attraction to women would be something that stopped being important. I love identifying as part of the queer community and love being with women and to not have those things felt like a real, tangible loss to me. So we discussed and we actually just decided to open our relationship on my side. He doesn't want to be with anyone else and I don't want to be with other men, but I do want the opportunity to express my full sexuality. We're navigating our feelings and boundaries on the subject, and realize we have a lot of work ahead of us, but I'm terribly lucky to love and be loved by a man so confident and accepting. I'm really excited to hear what you have to say, Krista. We can use all the advice we can get.

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    1. Wow, it's like I wrote this comment about me. I'm Queer and have been in a three year relationship with a cis-gender straight man. We are in love, and he allows me to explore my sexuality with other women. It's amazing and he is amazing and I don't think it's a phase for us because I hope we can always be open for years to come.

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  56. I just want to say it was freezing in LA today. So jealous of your weather.

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  57. Done it. Was not the one.
    Good to know now.
    Woe.

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  58. Living in a Polyamorous relationship for a couple of months now. Yes, it's incredible complicated and a lot of work and certainly not for people who do not like to talk and negotiate a lot and also not for non-empathic people BUT ... once you discover you are a polyamorous person... it's like there is no way back. It's part of your personality for whatever reason and the best thing you can do is embrace it and make the best out of it. Head up!

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  59. You get more awesome with every post. Keep on truckin :)

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  60. more please more please.

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  61. I've been dating a girl for a couple months and we haven't talked about where we stand as a couple. If either of us acted upon our theoretically open status, I know it'd be a mess of the other person quickly sleeping around in order to stifle feelings of jealousy. Leading to superficial relationships with more people. And hurt all around.

    However, we're going on separate 2-week long trips soon, and I don't count it as cheating if either of us has sex with someone in another town as a one-time thing. Or maybe this is a threadbare self esteem talking, I don't know.

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  62. It's spring..all the ladies want sex... Hmmmmm....today this proved to be true. Thank goodness:)

    And I'd love to hear about how your open relationship works. I love open relationships.

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  63. I think the key to making this work is radical honesty. This is probably true of any relationship, but especially something as complex as open relationships can be. You have to talk about things BEFORE they happen. When my (now)ex and I tried an open relationship, she would always act first, ask later. We set boundaries at the beginning, then she would do things to clearly push them. Afterwords she would confess and ask if I was ok with it, which she considered being honest.
    To me, being honest would be saying "hey, i really want to do X, but I'm not sure how you feel about it. let's discuss." when your m.o. is to confess later, you take away your partner's choice in the matter. trust me, that doesn't end well.

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  64. I'm in no way against open relationships. I think grownups can do whatever they want (within reason of course) but literally every single one I've witnesses have crashed and burned. I'm not talking the standard dramatic lesbian break up end of the world drama but like serious consequences. I guess I’ve always just counted polyamory out as a viable option or something only people who don’t want a serious relationship anyway will do. Until I read this blog, I’ve never seen once last over 6 months. I’m very interested in hearing how people actually make it work because honestly, I think I would have more success switching to boys than having an open relationship and I’m super gay.

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  65. I've been polyamorous for a decade now (married for 8 years of that) and it's what works for us. We're serious, committed, have a home and kids together. It can definitely work.
    I love seeing posts like yours here where relationship structure isn't addressed from some moral high horse where anything but the author's preference is portrayed as wrong, weak, less evolved or whatever else people apply to the other side. It seems like half the articles and posts I read addressing the concept of open relationships take the stance that there's only one right way to do relationships and it happens on both the mono and poly side of the argument. Thanks for not being one of those kind of people <3

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  66. As an ace, I kinda love open relationships. I'm aware that if I date someone (who will, statistically, not be asexual), sex is gonna be an issue (me having sex=it's their birthday.) But I don't really get jealous. If they can promise that I'M still the one they're with, I'm cool with them sleeping with whomever the fuck they want.

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  67. I am really intrigued by the idea of an open relationship. How do you even begin to speak about one with someone you are in a monogamous relationship with, though? Without it sounding like maybe you're losing interest, or that you are covering something up?

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    1. This is the sort of thing I'd say discuss at the outset. Make it non threatening, a suggestion like any other. Or show her this blog post or any other material on the topic. If she recoils right away, its a no go. For real. Both people have to be ok with something like this. Society says monogamy is the way to go. However, some of the most well known queers in the blogosphere and beyond are in open relationships or marriages. Krista. Dan Savage. It does and can work, but it takes lots of work. I've done it, and honestly? That situation was a whole lot healthier than any of the monogamous ones.

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    2. Start with threesomes, and possibly stay there. Or have her read this blog. Hmm... Also, if she is scared that you are losing interest or covering something up, she is reacting from a place of fear and if she can recognize it, you should be able to move past in and into a long complicated talk about poly. If she can't get past her own fear, it would never work anyway.

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  68. Honestly, I just don't get the whole open relationship thing. If you love someone and want to be with them why the heck would you ever want to sleep with someone else? I totally would never be ok with having an open relationship with someone

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    1. Love and sex can be mutually exclusive for some people.

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  69. It kinda freaks me out when the bi girls here say they 'have permission' from their bf. What is he in charge of you?

    have boundaries, set parameters, discuss logistics but ultimately it is your female body and you are in charge of it; no one else.

    I just want 1 wonderful girl for the long term. Am way too jealous and possesive to every try an open relationship.

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  70. It's interesting how a lot of people seem to equate polyamorous relationships and open relationships. My understanding was that a poly relationship was between three people, while an open relationship was between two people who were allowed less significant relationships on the side. Can someone (perhaps you, Krista) address this?

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    1. An excellent post on open relationships (love the photographic interludes ^0^)

      I am a straight gal who has been in an open relationship for over 3 years and it CAN work ... but you both have to want to do it and communicate a LOT.

      Polyamorous relationships are more involved, emotional relationships with 2 or more people; "open" is more about casual sex encounters only, or swinging. Tbh I am not so interested in pursuing the polyamory route (I would get far too jealous!) but for some reason, no-strings sex with various lovers doesn't stir the green-eyed monster in me or my partner.

      Do what you both feel is right for you as a couple! And for those that take the plunge, have fun!!

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    2. I have done both poly and open. When I was poly, we were all involved romantically- 5 of us at first, 3 by the time it ended. We didn't step outside the circle.

      When I was open, she and I were in love with each other, but had what was pretty much meaningless sex on the side with whoever. A few rules, and go for it!

      But you have to be secure. You have know you are both 100% on board with it. I do not recommend (this is just MY opinion, not across the board), developing emotional attachments in any way to the "others." Easier said than done, of course, which is why we had a no repeats rule. Hope that helps.

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  71. My girlfriend of 3 years and I have been discussing getting into an open relationship, but the conversations always sort of peter out because neither of us really know where to go from "yeah, that might be okay". I know you said you wouldn't be too specific about your own rules, but if you or other people could come up with 'example' rules or ways to go about it, that would be really helpful!

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  72. I'm so glad you've written a blog post about this. It's a topic that really fascinates me.

    It's not something I've tried, but to me the idea of having a solid, loving relationship with no strings attached sex with other people on the side makes perfect sense. If it's someone you've met in a bar, or on craigslist or something, and you're physically attracted to them then why not? It's not going to pose any real threat to your relationship. The thing that confuses me though, is if you have established that sex outside your relationship is fine... then what happens if you find yourself falling for someone who you actually have a deeper connection with, like a friend, or workmate who you see every day? If you start to feel this way about someone else in a monogomous relationship, then you have a cold shower and try and forget about them, see them less, spend more time with your partner. But in the context of an open relationship, you're actually allowed to sleep with them, and... I can imagine this could become complicated.

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    1. It does, and that your love will leave you for her other lover because they have a greater and deeper connection that you two do is always a risk. But if you truly love them, no matter how much it hurts for them to leave, you want them to be happy, so you let them go. It is very painful, but the love you feel for them can survive if you don't give in to the negative emotions that will surface.

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  73. I think open relationships sound awesome, but you have to be soooo the opposite of jealous for it to work. And (from my limited experience) both partners have to be really good at getting laid. If only one is good at scoring, that opens up the door to a whole new kind of jealousy. Can't wait for part two!

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  74. One of my girlfriend's friends in polyamorous and she was the first person I met that had any sort of open relationship deal. Her girlfriend wasn't too thrilled about it but stayed with her anyways as she was developing an emotional/sexual relationship with a transman who was also a mutual friend. I thought it was a bit odd just because it wasn't cool with all parties and I happen to adore monogamy.

    The other issue was that she and her partners started getting so mean about people in monogamous relationships. As if that was stupid and anyone who just slept with one person, just loved one person, was wrong. Sad.

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  75. OMFG I soooo blogged on this very subject not too long ago. I got out of a monogamous relationship not too long ago. Wasn't working for a plethora of reasons, nothing to do with this, but, in faaarrr too many ways she bought into a traditionalist life perspective, and I simply don't.

    I've done open before. I lived in an activist camp for a bit with another rad, passionate activist and a bunch of other free love style homos. Healthiest relationship I have ever been in. After we broke our "rules," the trust was broken, though. :( But, before that, it was simply awesome. We were just too immature at the time to do what we had agreed to do. After that I made it a dealbreaker. I didn't think I could share ever again. But...

    I am evolved now! I got my shit together after 3 years of the single life and a bad start to the dating world again and realized that this is something I can do again. Not only is it something I can do again, but it is something I WANT to do again. Here are my thoughts on the subject, for anyone interested!

    http://soyouwanttobealesbian.blogspot.com/2012/02/series-dykin-it-up-episode-6-different.html

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  76. My girlfriend and I only go so far as to have group sex with other people together (and there's also the occasional game of spin the bottle), but even that makes us jealous. It's hard to see your girlfriend having sex or even simply making out with someone without feeling neglected and hurt, especially if you know she's really attracted to that person and is enjoying herself a lot. That being said, it is nice to let each other have that kind of enjoyment occasionally, but in my opinion, your relationship has to be REALLY strong for it to not get in the way of remaining committed to each other the next morning.

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    1. The strength has to be there. And you cannot have a jealous bone in your body. I love it, but I don't get jealous at all. IF someone wants to leave, she will leave regardless IMO.

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  77. OMG I thought I could do it when I wanted to get back with a GF and she said okay on condition that she be able to still see her new GF. I guess the elements necessary to make it work were really not there. I left her initially because she was so closed and had so much trouble with intimacy. I missed her like crazy and wanted back in. Her new GF didn't really want an open relationship, I did not really want an open relationship and it caused the most intense physical, mental and emotional pain I have felt in my 45 years on the planet; like a fucking tree branch sticking out of my chest. It isn't for me. i really just have always wanted a monogamous long term relationship, someone to stay with and grow old with. I am well on the way. BTW that is my daughter in the velvet underground banana t shirt. isn't she awesome?

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  78. Eek, a few years ago I stumbled into a poly relationship-type situation with two friends of mine, a heterosexual couple, and it all just kind of happened and no one talked about anything as a group and then lots of feelings were hurt. After that experience I am now scarred for life. Plus at the time I didn't even know I was queer, which added fuel to the fire.

    Polyamory: it's not for self-loathing closeted 19-year-olds with boundary issues.

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  79. Ok, so I've been thinking about this topic a lot over the last year, and what I've come to is that there are many many many components at play here. For one thing, on the side of open/poly relationships working, as people have said, you cannot have a jealous bone in your body. That will kill it before it even starts. I have many conflicting beliefs/feelings when it comes to monogamous/non-monogamous relationships. First, on the monogamous side, for me anyway, when I'm with someone who I really care about, I genuinely have no desire to be with anyone else. I'm a very sexual person, I flirt, I notice that she's cute, but that's pretty much as far as it goes. I've thought about being in open relationships in the past, but it really only happens when the relationship I'm in has lost it's luster or I'm feeling particularly drawn, so to speak. Now, on the non-monogamy side of things - the part that really intrigued me to this subject - the whole concept of monogamy seems kind of bogus. Now, that said, I'm a serial monogamist so...yeah...But it really does. We are all individual people and were not created for one person. There is absolutely no way that one person can fulfill ALL of your needs at any given time, and so we find ourselves compromising all over the place. Now, if you're like myself, and you fail to communicate your needs to your partner, you may find yourself in a position where you are compromising much more yourself than your partner. This situation = bad. The relationship will end in screaming, fighting, drama, and bull shit, and I am inclined to believe that true of any relationship regardless of the number of people involved. The other aspect that intrigued me is this idea of "possessiveness." Now, I think it's safe to say that most of us have been there, and have thought to ourselves, wow, the idea of watching or even knowing that the person I love screwed someone else makes me physically sick to my stomach. However, from a purely theoretical standpoint, I think the concept of monogamy is interesting in the sense that by establishing that our partner cannot sleep with someone else is equivocally stating claim over our partner's body and sexuality, which I think is a little fucked up. Now, again, I really can only do monogamy, because I am one of those who feels sick at the thought of my partner being with someone else, BUT, I also think that it is incredibly important to really analyze how it is that we have gotten to this point. How is it that we can basically plant a flag on someone else's body and be like, sorry, this is mine? How is it that we can think that it's endearing or loving to tell another person, "you're mine" or "I'm yours" ? Looking at it practically, doesn't that seem a little messed up? I don't know, maybe the cheese (being me) stands alone, but it's something to think about. That said, I'm going to go ahead and continue in my monogamous "committed friendship" as she likes to call it. But yeah, anyway, food for thought :)

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  80. Just some thoughts on poly:

    I can up with a new way of thinking (new for me anyway) after another failed relationship, in a time of my life where I chose to be single. I vowed to myself that I would never let anyone take away my right to have an intimate relationship with everyone I come in contact with. So many people put restrictions on what is okay and not okay to do with everyone other than your partner. I decided I would not live my life, the only chance I have on this earth to experience life fully, restricting all my love and affection to one person. I also decided to no longer define my primary relationship as "the person I have sex with." Because in reality, that is how most people define being in a relationship. We have sex, therefore we must be together. Why? I base my primary relationship on the fact that I choose her to be my partner, because we love each other, trust each other, generally want to be around one another, and can communicate at a level I have been searching for all my life. We share a level of intimacy that goes far beyond what most people experience. We both consider sexuality and intimacy with others as a natural way to express love, and what could ever be wrong with loving so many people? Its hard and painful at times, but no matter what, her and I do everything we can to keep our trust intact and our love stable. Also, we have both been in monogamous relationships that severely limited even our intimacy level with other people, even when not bringing sex into the equation. It is out right as humans to be able to feel a part of a larger community and to be open and loving, you need to be able to express intimacy with many people to do so. With us, if that intimacy turns into sexual desire, it doesn't matter, because sex is just another way to express intimacy and it is the intimacy we crave and need to be happy. Make sense?

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    1. You make awesome sense. :) And I agree ith every word.

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    2. intimacy isn't always physical (or sex) as well.
      &this blog is dope btw

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  81. Random, but I just saw that my Boston friend Kirsten Opstad is playing a set in Chicago tonight (at Big Chicks/Tweet for Homolatte, whatever that means...) so if any of you queer Chicago gals want to see an amazing songwriter do her thing, you should head over! Her songs will break your heart and make you pee yourself laughing at the same time.

    http://www.kirstenopstad.com/

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  82. I'm going to be honest. I like me-time. Faye days. Alone with my thoughts. Dating/sleeping with one person already poses as a huge time commitment to me. Adding more than one person to that list...well, it becomes an investment in time and energy that I'm not willing to make right now. Sure, call me selfish (or more like anti-social), but I can't handle juggling two or three people around like that.

    tl;dr: I'm willing to be open but without the relationship part.

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  83. You are fucking amazing for writing this. This has been on my mind since the hibernation period ended!

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  84. Krista, are you coming back? I miss weekly posts! Its barely monthly now. I hope you have awesome projects happening elsewhere or something!

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  85. I discovered your web site via Google while looking for a related subject, lucky for me your web site came up, its a great website. I have bookmarked it in my Google bookmarks. You really are a phenomenal person with a brilliant mind!

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  86. Is the photo taken up Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh?!? How do I never find how lesbian girls up there? Not fair!

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