Monday, February 27, 2012

A Stiff Upper Lip

[thanks jraak]


What's shakin', slit-lickers?


Guess what?


A few weeks ago, I invented something.

No big surprise. 



I mean I was the seventh-place winner at Meadowbrook Elementary's Invention Convention, with my prize-winning, runaway 2nd-grade hit "The Log Carrier", which was essentially a gaily painted canvas bag that could hold up to five fireplace logs at a time.


At a time, folks.
[thanks Charlotte! charlottelipscombe-photography]


Inventions clearly run in my blood.  


My newest invention was an amazing invention, though.  


Simple, yet necessary.  Delightfully obvious, yet an utterly original idea.
[thanks Naimah M.]


It had practical applications.  It would be cheap to manufacture.  And it would sell like crazy.


I would make millions and never have to work an office job again and could spend every waking second researching and writing about teh queers. 
[thanks Emmy S.]
What was this magical invention, you ask? 


Well.
I'll tell you, since you asked so nicely.


It was...

A Hickey Stencil.


[thanks Ally]
Yeeees, faggettes.  


A hickey stencil.  
A little piece of plastic or metal with a design cut into it so you could mark your partner up - not with a disfiguring, misshapen, unplanned blob of a hickey, but with a cute picture! 


A cute picture...made out of broken capillaries!

Cool, right? 

I know!


Sophistication and aristocratic tastes are difficult to pin down exactly, but you know when you see 'em. 

I got the idea from this:

which is a little leather paddle that, if you smack your bed-friend hard enough, leaves an imprint of the design on their ass.  

Classy, no?

[thanks!]


I was playing with one at Early to Bed in Chicago, joking to CJ that it would be way cooler if it had my name written on it in cursive.

She laughed, secure in the knowledge that a custom paddle like that would be safely out of my price range.


AND THEN IT HIT ME: 



What if you could mark your girlfriend up in a timeless way with a stylish new twist?
[thanks Camilla P.]

What if you could somehow harness your god-given, free, mouth-suction-powers to leave your calling card all over your partner's body?



What mo wouldn't want an elegant, refined design hickey-ed into her neck?


Who wouldn't want a bloody, empurpled rosette of seeping blood vessels blooming across the smooth skin of her lover's decolletage - say, in the shape of a heart, or one's initials?
[thanks Elle R.]


Bitches would line up for that shit. 


Hahaha riches!  Fame!  They would all be mine!!
[thanks Sarah T.]


You know, CJ is a really good sport. 


On Sunday morning, I sprang out of bed.  
I grabbed the scissors from the junk drawer in the kitchen and hunted down a piece of cardboard.

Painstakingly, I cut my initials into the cardboard.  
Ooh it looked beautiful.

Gently, lovingly, I placed the World's First Hickey Stencil below CJ's naked collarbone. 

[thanks Sarah R. R.]


One day, she would remember this as the day we made history together.


I leaned over her, took a deep breath, put my mouth over the stencil, pressed it down firmly and began sucking. 


Hard.


CJ woke up immediately.

CJ: Wha?? What are you - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???



Me: The hickey stencil! Hold still! I think it's working!
[thanks Sarah G.]


Once I had recovered from having my hands locked in a vice grip  and we had had a nice lil' chat about active and enthusiastic consent,  CJ sensibly agreed to be my hickey stencil guinea pig.


I looked at my work on her collarbone.  


Boo.  
It was just a hickey - you couldn't see the initials at all.


Maybe more intense, focused sucking?


Nope.
That just made a darker, misshapen hickey.

Over the next half hour, we tried a sheet of plastic with a heart cut in it, a piece of tagboard with a star cut out, a slotted metal spatula, and about twenty other things, and you know what?


My invention didn't work.  

CJ looked like a leopard waking up after prom night. 


After thinking very hard, we realized that there's no way to control the random breaking of tiny capillaries under the skin without truly intense pressure.  The human mouth, while strong and versatile (heh), is simply not capable of producing the kind of suction power needed to form a focused design.  


There's also no way to prevent the broken capillaries from leaking blood into the area surrounding the "picture."


Fuck.  


Well, it's too bad for cultured and fashion-forward daters everywhere. 


Science, folks.  You can't beat science.


And speaking of science, do y'allfags think there could be a scientific explanation for this?:


[thanks Ivan I.]
[thanks corneliuslove]
[thanks Hush]


What you are looking at is a phenomenon.  
A phenomenon that I was going to ignore, but you know what?
  
I can no longer remain silent. 

I have literally thousands of
(awesome, inspiring, gorgeous) photographs of you queermosexuals in my inbox at effingdykesphotos@gmail.com. You're sending them in by the droves.  
They make me so happy.  


But there's a common theme among the photos, and...well, do we need to have a little talk about this, gheys? 
[thanks Kelly B.]


I mean, at first I thought: Ha, funny.  Dykes keep sending me mustache photos!
[thanks Emily]
and left it at that. 


I mean, why not?  


Mustaches took the hipster world by storm a few years back, and ever since, mustaches have been the token symbol of ironic fun.

Just a wedding? 

No! It's a Mustache Wedding!

Just some drinking glasses?  

No! The drinking glasses give you a mustache!


And in the epic, eternal, raging gaydar battle of our lives known as Lesbian or Hipster or Both? ...mustaches have not helped us one bit. 


Everyone likes 'em.  They're funny.  They add pizzazz.


But dykes like mustaches...a little more than most folks.  
[thanks Lex and Mel]
Now, homos, we are talking obviously fake mustaches.  


Not mustaches for serious drag and not the natural, real mustaches that some women can grow and I am very jealous of.  


Fake, stick-on or drawn-on facial hair done ironically or as a joke. 
[thanks CJ.  hey boo]


Of the thousands upon thousands of pictures that are currently causing my laptop's data storage to creak and gasp and shudder violently when I try to turn the power key on, I would venture a casual estimate that a solid 1/3 of all pictures sent to me contain a mustache somewhere.


I could literally post
[thanks Aleksandra T.]


these
[thanks Lou and Kitten]


all
[thanks Jennifer J, what's your tumblr?]


day.
[thanks Anna B.]


And still not even make a dent in my mustache-photo stockpile.


I think it must be because we, as a people, adore the instant funny genderbending of a supremely male marker.
  
The same way that boys have, for millenia, put balloons up their shirt and then rubbed them lasciviously at their friends. 


Man, what a sure-fire 8th grade crowd-pleaser.  
Look, you're a boy...but you have balloon titties!  You're a girl now hahahaha omg!!


We dykes love fake mustaches kind of in the same way, I think.  


Slap that mustache on!  Now you've got a disguise and you're ironic and you're appropriating male gender markers and you have a new facebook profile picture, all in one!  
[thanks Anna B.]


Lookit me, the mustache whispers.  Try me on. Want a little taste of something a bit...forbidden?  


And for us queers, the mustache has a few more layers than it does for straight girls.  


So it's way funnier.


'Cause lots and lots of us gayelles flirt and more-than-flirt with stereotypically male-identified markers: clothing, haircuts, occupations.  

Plenty of straight girls do, too, obvs, but way more queerettes have their fingers in the pie
(yes) of genderbending on a regular basis.
[thank you mea]


So the mustache is:


Ironic for hipster girls across the board, and... 


SUPER IRONIC - layer upon layer of irony - for queer women! OMG the level of irony is causing us to implode!! 
There's no air! There's no air in the room!


Ok, just breathe.  It's alright.  I'm here.


It might also just be that we're already, um, quite accustomed to the feeling of tickly hair right beneath our nose.  
[thanks Harper of denverdyke2]


Alright, you know what I'm saying?  
Who has a fucking awesome mustache picture they want to show the internet-world? 

'Cause I have a
(hand-printed by CJ Effing Dykes t-shirt for the best one!

Waaaaaaant it?

[thanks Rachel M.]


Here's how you play:  


Send me one mustache pic. Yo' BEST mustache pic.  
No more than three people in the picture, mmkay, lemondrop?


Send it to effingdykesmustaches@gmail.com by Sunday, March 4th.  


I'll enlist a judging panel of dykes and post the favorites on a separate "All Mustaches Spectacular!" post on the sidebar of this mess, and then we can vote together for our favorite!!
[thanks Chelsea B.]


Queermogayelles! Mustaches! Community!  
It's all coming together, no?

50 comments:

  1. I love you, Krista. (Except that Krista is my sister's name and my brain gets confused when I say that to youuuuu)

    ReplyDelete
  2. That sounds like an awesome idea! Lets vote! Also shame about the hickey stencil, i got all excited, i guess science always prevails.

    ReplyDelete
  3. For the record, you can get moustache decals for your car. My girlfriend's sister gave me one for graduation, and now my car is ironically gender-bending. I think you could make the same work for the handlebars of your bike- leave no mode of transport un- moustachioed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have eyelashes on my headlights and I flipped out when I saw a mustache on another car that drove by. It was pretty much the most exciting day ever!

      Delete
  4. OH, MAN...we got a package of mustaches at the dollar store (saving them for a special occasion haha) and i would totally enter the contest, were it not for the fact that i just end up looking like my dad, and it freaks me out :(

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  5. Does it have to be a sticker type mustache or can it be my girlfriends "mustache"? Wink wink hint hint nudge nudge
    Oh yeah im fucking funny

    ReplyDelete
  6. 10 years from now we will all look back on this blog and say look how far we've come.... the hickey mustache stencil is a cultural phenomenon all thanks to Krista and advances in science. I can't wait! Excellent blog, I laughed happily at my desk :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'M JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK.

    also...moustaches rule.

    ReplyDelete
  8. moustache meryl
    http://youtu.be/w3NwB9PLxss?t=5m19s

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love that you keep finding trends due to pictures. I swear to the gods I keep finding out I'm queerer with each new post. I was like OMG...no way...I totally have moustache pics.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Also, mustache ride jokes.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I think I just woke someone up in the next room laughing so hard at this post! (Well mostly about the bit where you woke CJ up that way. I'm fairly certain I did that to someone once).
    Great post! (:
    I also need to buy a mustache for a costume this week so this has given me some good ideas!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Awesome post! You can totally buy hickey stencils already! I know this because I was googling hickeys a little while ago- I forget why- and there were pictures of a girl holding like a pump thingy, with shapes for hickeying. She had a fucking Batman hickey.

    Moustache thing= So true. At my 18th last year, everyone at the party was forced to wear a false moustache. Have sent in the picture of my own awesome facial hair.

    ReplyDelete
  13. ahaha this is one of those posts where you're like wait a minute... I do the moustache thing to! lol :-{)

    ReplyDelete
  14. My bedazzled beard made it!

    Lesbians are obsessed with mustaches because then we can offer mustache rides.

    Case closed.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My first thought upon readng "Guess what? A few weeks ago, I invented something." was...
    "OH SHIT KRISTA PUT NON-MAKEUP IN HER EYES AGAIN". I was really worried.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha, I totally thought the same thing!

      Delete
  16. You can just give a bunch of hickies in the shape of something like your initials...done that and it works fab-ulously!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Mustaches and my women's college went together. I was in Scottish Country Dance and the way we denoted the "men's" line from the "women's" line was through finger mustaches (the kind where your finger held perpendicular to the bottom of your nose). In my fencing team, we had "Mustache day" where we would all draw Sharpie mustaches on our fingers and surprised our coach with them. My friend even had fencing knee socks with mustaches on them! In the women's Shakespeare Performance Troupe I was in, eyeliner facial hair drawing skills were highly prized. At one show, the stage crew all drew mustaches on each other as a bonding exercise.

    Mustaches are silly and genderbending is fun. Ergo, lesbians tend to like mustaches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rachel, you are awesome. And I thought of you as soon as this post went up. See you in a few days!

      Delete
  18. I remember it being funny and cute when it began, but this mustache business is no longer ironic; it's just obnoxious. I've seen too many mustache tattoos and mustache stickers and mustache t-shirts and mustache-shaped jewelry to last a lifetime. Honestly, it reminds me of when I was 12 and it was considered quirky and random to say that you loved cheese, so everyone would spontaneously yell "I like cheese!" for no reason other than to get an approving reaction from their peers. And none of these kids were able to name a single cheese other than mozzarella and cheddar.

    ReplyDelete
  19. In the UK we have this directory enquiry number advert with moustached men, so 3 years ago, 118 men was the theme to my 21st birthday pub crawl, now I'm realising just how gay that was!
    Check out the advert and judge for yourself... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heSNIXLefp8&feature=related

    ReplyDelete
  20. I would happily BUY a t-shirt from you! I'm not cool or ironic enough to have any good mustache pics!

    ReplyDelete
  21. It's called a 'mo-stache.

    ReplyDelete
  22. A) You didn't realize that the hickey stencil wouldn't work?

    b) I was thinking about how silly you were being, when I realized that RIGHT NOW, my Facebook profile photo involves me sporting a mustache and evil goatee made out of gingerbread frosting.

    ReplyDelete
  23. NOPE. Fake mustaches are the grossest thing I can think of. Besides costume make up...please don't post costume make up...or painted faces...wait, I think I've figured out my trigger. Anyway, this post made me ill...which is bad since I'm already ill. In conclusion, no mustaches for/from this 'mo. And I shan't be clicking that sidebar.

    ReplyDelete
  24. YESSS!!!! NEW POST!!! Oh yeah!
    Now I'm done celebrating the new post, I may reply accordingly:
    Fake 'staches. I always associated them with hipsters... but now that I think of it.
    How did I not notice the trend?? :O Lezzies sure love gender-bending! (For irony of course!)

    ReplyDelete
  25. In november we had a "movember" at our school where most of the male staff (and some students) would grow mustaches for the month. Some of the guys looked hilarious cause you're just not used to seeing them with staches.
    It was awesome when a couple of female students and our gym teacher wore fake mustaches for the month also!
    After a while you kind of just got used to seeing everyone (even the ladies) with the mustaches so when they shaved in december it took a while to get used to again :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I was reading this and thinking all "I'm special, no mustache pictures of me..." until I remembered a night several months ago that resulted with me stumbling home at five in the morning and not one, but several pencil drawn mustache pictures of me and my mustache-y friends appearing on FB the next day. :P

    So. Who knows. But they're definitely out there. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Am I the only dyke with no 'stache pictures?? I guess I have cuff links with mustaches, so does that cancel it out?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have NO mustache paraphernalia at all. So I think your ironic cuff links do count. =]

      Delete
  28. This is a hipster thing, not a lesbian thing. But I think this quote sums up my feelings on the matter:

    "And in the epic, eternal, raging gaydar battle of our lives known as Lesbian or Hipster or Both? ...mustaches have not helped us one bit."

    Living in Uptown Minneapolis it is so hard to tell. I wrote Krista approx. a year ago begging for the answer to this question. I'm guessing there is no way to tell, thus it has not been addressed.

    So, I will keep hitting on cute hipsters, I guess. Most of them are usually flattered even if they are straight.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Lesbian vs hipster is a never ending battle. Straight hipsters definitely appear queer on first glance..

    ReplyDelete
  30. As a trans woman, I have super mixed feelings about the whole mustache fad.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Do we get bonus points if we have a mustache and a hicky?

    Also, I'm pissed that hicky stencil idea didn't work.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Moustaches are like lesbians sporting ties. What's with the ties? Please stop wearing them.
    Also, hottest pic of CJ you've ever posted. DAMN!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ties are awesome. I wore them before I liked girls :d

      Delete
  33. I may or may not have found my girlfriend after reading this post and attempted to make hickey-stamps...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Not gonna lie, I think the ironic mustache thing is so played out as to be not only unfunny but obnoxious because when people do it they think they're way funnier than they really are. idk. I just don't get it.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Gday mates. plz take a second (or several actually) to watch this vid. kinda important one might think

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc&feature=youtu.be

    ReplyDelete
  36. ..If the effing link wont work, just google Kony 1012

    ReplyDelete
  37. How is there not a single picture of a boob stache!? The only way to wear a mustache is in your cleavage.

    ReplyDelete
  38. KRISTA! They're called HICKEYTATS and they already exist, they're sold by thecheeky dot com but I feel like you've done a great service by testing them out.

    http://thecheeky.com/hickie-tats

    Given the results you've had, maybe the HICKEYTAT is a fraud, I mean, look at the detail they've managed on there o.O

    ALSO lalalala moustaches :3

    -Jenjenjenjenjen

    ReplyDelete
  39. CJ's gonna hate me....

    http://www.instructables.com/id/Custom-Spanking-Paddle/

    That customized paddle is dangerously within your price range :) made mine for free out of a warped paddle two years ago and so many asses have had my name on them :)

    PLUS! there's two sides, for double the temporary branding ;)

    Just remember that whole consent bit...

    ~A.B.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Um Krista, I am a queer boy, avid follower, and leatherworker in Chicago. I can make you that custom paddle for something well within your price range say... a printed by CJ "Effing Dykes" tshirt and honorary "effing dyke" status/ a post on how much more awesome the lesbians of Chicago are than the (mostly) cookie cutter boys of Boystown are. Reply yes and I will send you my email. Also coffee. (Not the date kind.)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Are you looking for free Twitter Re-tweets?
    Did you know you can get them ON AUTOPILOT AND ABSOLUTELY FREE by using Like 4 Like?

    ReplyDelete