Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Pay It Homoward

[thanks Vanessa F.]


Hiya minge-munchers!!  


It's a new year!  We made it!  
[Brian J. Clark of The Virginian-Pilot]


The last year of life on Earth, according to the Mayans and shitty Hollywood summer movies!

Here we are, eleven days into 2012, and I must say that, so far, my New Year's resolutions are going swimmingly.

[thanks Louise M]
Now, c'mon.  'Fess up.  


What were yours?

I always have a bazillion (be less selfish, write a journal, volunteer, exercise, learn to cook tasty greens, get over the fact that everyone likes eggs but me and will eat them in front of me), but here are three resolutions I'm taking seriously this year: 


Resolution #1:  Do. more. gay. shit.
[thanks Rebekah M.]
Because there's always room for more, right?


From now on, it's happening: at least one supergay thing each week.


(And that doesn't count hanging out at a gayelle's house, going to the gay bar, or going dancing. That's cheating.)
  
I'm talking a gay event.  
I'm talking queer poetry readings.  Women's music nights.  Good drag shows.  Lezzer book clubs, queer theater, dykey movie nights, gay homo gay gay.  


--------------------------------------------


Resolution #2: No more thrifting until I stop wearing the same four outfits over and over. 
[thanks Jennifer F.]


Y'allfags.  I watched an episode of Hoarders over Christmas break that scared the shit out of me. 


No one has more odd 80's dresses than me.  
My closet is packed.  There's no more room. 


(Current Rule #1 of Thrifting:  If it has shoulder pads and would not look out of place on the Golden Girls, throw it in the cart.) 
[gimme that sweater, Blanche]


But: do I wear them?  
When it's raining on a Tuesday morning at 8 a.m. and I'm staring dead-eyed at my closet, do I reach for cute dresses with giant gold buttons and tight skirts?  


No.
No, instead I reach for a strange, depressing grey hoodie bag/dress that CJ refers to as my "chastity dress." 

Rude.


--------------------------------------------


Resolution #3: Lastly and most importantly:  Think very hard before using a non-makeup item as makeup.


Now, we've been through this.  


But I cannot learn.


I need to stop thinking of Michael's craft stores as a poor man's Sephora

*Backstory!*



A few days before New Year's, I was wandering through an art supply store in downtown Chicago, thinking, as I always privately  (and incorrectly) do:  "Well. I could totally be an artist too if I just had the right supplies"when my eye landed on a shelf displaying these: 


Pigment powder.  
For scrapbookers and people who want to emboss shit. 


There were about 40 colors.
Hey neat - each vial was big and only cost $5!


So shiny! So many colors!
They looked great! They looked glittery!

They looked...an awful lot like these:
MAC pigment eyeshadow powders.  
Which are really tiny and cost $20 a pop.


Hmm.  Hmm.  
I could feel it: I was on the verge of something big.


I got excited.  
Why had no one ever thought of this before??? 


Soon I would have cheap, amazingly elegant iridescent eyeshadow powder in every color on the planet and exotic, mysterious eyes and everyone would want to know my secret and I would never tell them, never. 


But!
Safety first, I thought.


I snagged a passing, bearded salesguy.

Me: 'Scuse me.  You know these powders?  Are they...non-toxic?



Salesguy: Nope.  


Me: Oh. But do you think you could put them on your skin?


Salesguy: Oh, they won't hurt you if you get some on your fingers, it washes right off.  Gets everywhere, though.  Big mess.


Me: Right...could you have it on your skin for a long time?


Salesguy: I dunno about that.  (Pause)  Why?


Me: Like, say...could you put it on your eyelids?


Salesguy: Oh, wow. Wow. No. That is a really bad idea.


[thanks Celeste]


So I bought four colors.  
Clearly he wasn't interested in pushing the boundaries of eyeshadow sophistication.
There was a beautiful rosy pearly shade; I wanted to wear it for New Year's.  

I brought my new 'makeup' home.



I got out my brushes.  Opened the pigment powder on the bathroom counter.
Ooh it was so pretty.  


Gently, gently, like the sigh of a baby dove dipping its beak into a font of holy water, I dipped my pinkie finger into the powder and streaked it across the back of my hand.

Pure, shimmering color.  

A rose-tinged kiss from a cherub's pouty lips.  All for me.  


Those overly-made up, aproned fuckers at MAC could lick my box.


I dipped the brush in.  Shut my left eye.  Stroked the brush across my eyelid.

Opened my eye.  

It. was. beautiful.  


I was a genius. 


I did my other eye, then sailed triumphantly into the kitchen, where I made some toast and promptly forgot all about it. 


Fast-forward 30 minutes.  
I rubbed my eye.


And then basically went blind.
[thanks Beth W.]


Gayelles, make me a promise.  Right here, right now. 


Swear to me that you will not try to substitute embossing pigment powder for makeup-grade pigment powder.  
Mmkay?  


Especially do not do this with contacts in. 


Anyway!  The glorious thing about being human is learning from our mistakes.  
[thanks Tessa]
Don't you think?


We never know until we try. 

I mean, just think of how we all collectively seem to know that rhubarb leaves and holly berries are poisonous.
  
Our mothers told us these plants were poisonous. 


Our mothers learned it from their mothers. 


Their mothers learned it from their mothers, and on and on through the ages until you get to the very first person who ever looked at bright holly berries peeping forth from beneath shiny dark leaves and said, "Say, I wonder if these taste nice."


We are all alive today because someone tested life for us first.


All of our human existence, up until this exact moment, is based on trial and error.  


We help the universe - add to its collective knowledge base - when we fuck up.
[thanks Andrea B.]


Isn't that a cheering thought?


That being said, today I'd like to do some learnin'. 


2011 was quite a year, and I was thinking what a shame it is to enter a new year without reaping the benefits of some collective lesbiqueer knowledge gained last year.

'Cause, y'know, all of us have made big lezzie mistakes.

[thanks Elka M.]
  
Lots of us gays have had that moment where we say the worst possible, most mood-killing thing in bed; the moment where we realize that a lie we told to a girlfriend is about to blow up in our faces. 


Was 2011 the year when you made the most grievous gaydar mistake ever?  


Was this the year you finally learned a damn lesson?
[thanks Anna B.]

Now, because I like stories with morals and dislike intense social embarrassment, I wanted to benefit from newly-acquired lesbian knowledge without having to do the dirty work.



So I sent out a Facebook message asking a buncha queer girls and bois to send me some of their 2011 Dyke Lessons Learned.


And boy, just reading through 'em, I learned so much.


I also learned something really important:  My friends are sluts.
[via splicepicturesx]

Here's just a very small sampling of what the queer fishing net brought up:



*In 2011, I learned that - even though he said "girls don't count" -  sleeping with your boyfriend's little sister does, indeed, count.

[thanks Beth W.]


*This year, I trusted a well-known player when she told me she was finally single. I tied her to her bed, naked, and got walked in on by her very current girlfriend as I myself was getting naked. 

Learn to make knots that are super easy to untie, is what I'm saying.  Also, double-check your sources, I guess
.

[viastillaf22]

*Drunk, I leaned down on a chair at my friend Mia’s house party. Mia's mom came and put her hand on my back. She helped me stand up, and I looked at her and was like, "Can I kiss you?"  
And she said, "Sure." We made out in front of everyone at the party. Afterwards, she turned to this guy standing next to her and was like,  "Am I a bad mother?"

I had no idea that that happened, and two days later, I went out to lunch with Mia and the first thing she said to me was, “My mom wants to know why you didn’t send her flowers.” I went, "What?"  And she was like “My MOM, Lisa. YOU MADE OUT WITH MY MOM.”

This was the year I learned that I should drink a glass of water between each beer.
[thanks Bonbonbear]


*In 2011, I learned that I could end all of it - the drama and the fighting - by just not texting back. 
Your life is yours.  2012 is my year. 


*Never bring a cute, bi-curious girl on a two-week RV trip with you and your current girlfriend. 
Unless you want to end up in a polyamorous triangle where you spend Sunday nights on the phone navigating "boundaries."
[thanks! pillowtalkmpls]


*The one that sticks out the most is... having a one night stand and - as the girl was passed out in my bed - I drunk messaged the woman I actually liked, telling her what I'd just done. 

Admit what you actually feel about someone instead of drunk f*cking someone else to deal with it.


*Alas, this year I learned that a fauxhawk does not actually look good on every dyke :(
[Thanks Elle W.]


*Don't make presents - especially a body pillow with Kaylee from Firefly silkscreened on the cover - for your ex-girlfriend's new 'best friend' in an attempt to get back into the friend circle. 
Because they're actually probably dating. And this will look really bad for you. 


*In 2011, I was kicking it with so many girls behind my girlfriend's back that I called her from the other room, but accidentally slipped and called her another girl's name - TWICE. 
As in, two times in a row before I got the right name.


From then on, whenever I was about to say my girlfriend's name out loud, I would stop and say it in my head three times first. 
[thanks Theresa E.]


*Hi Krista! Here's my lesson from 2011: Don't buy a house with your girlfriend of one year. Maybe rent first. 




Wow.
These were very, um, specific.
[thanks sugki]


Ahh well. 


But aren't you so totally grateful that we now don't have to go through any of these personally?  
Because our collective lesbian knowledge has been shared?

Thanks, Gay Universe!  

[Thanks Guen M. CJ sez hi.]


And you knew I was gonna ask, so:

What was your lesson from 2011?  



Care to add it to the collective queer knowledge pot??

300 comments:

  1. Fairytale love doesn't usually exist after the first 3 months, but the best part is learning that everything happens for a reason, and you can still be with the person you love even if they aren't perfect. (she cheated once, but I forgave her). Things have never been better now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. One time is a fluke, twice means its a pattern, and she's not going to change. Also, smirking is really good gaydar.

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  3. YES!! FINALLY! A new post! I have been checking every day! What I have learned is do not get so wasted that you end up making out with the girl you like's band mate, and her best friend, and her all in one night. I don't even remember getting to kiss her! And everyone else remembers me acting like a total drunk whore! :o( Or at least bring a friend who will take you home when you try to make out with more than one person or the WRONG person!!

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  4. I'm really not going to be stuck dating just boys :)

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  5. If you like her and there's been some questionable, but relatively subtle clues.... Just ask. Even though the answer was no-the feeling of relief, from knowing and not feeling pressured to make something happen, won out over the disappoint that I won't get to sleep with my awesome, new friend.

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  6. I know there's been discussion of this on here a lot, and I hate to disagree with Krista, but I'm back in CJ's camp on an important issue: No more being friends with exes. For some reason, 2011 was the Year of Hanging Out with Exes and I have no idea why I did that (for the first time). In all instances, shit went poorly. Reasons for this resolution are as follows: either you're not over them and that sucks, they're not over you and they try to sleep with you, you suddenly remember why you didn't like each other anymore, or things are just really freaking awkward.

    NO FRIENDS WITH EXES IN 2012!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had the issue where I messaged an ex JUST to see how she was doing in life and got a message back from her FIANCEE telling me that she'd fucking hunt me down if I ever messaged my ex again...O.O Needless to say, my own fiancee wanted to start a WWIII. Women... *smh* Ex's ain't worth it unless they happen to be a gay man. :P

      Delete
    2. Wow, that's much worse than any of mine! Gay man exes are ok, as are straight man exes (for me at least). I just can't seem to work it out with the women. Too many feelings all around, I guess. Good luck to you and your fiancee!

      Delete
    3. In 2011 I learned that when faced with the choice between your friend you've been in love with for a year and someone totally new, it can be better for everyone around you to let go of the old love to save that friendship. It is possible to move on and find happiness with someone new.

      Delete
  7. I'm really grateful you cleared up the whole no-craft-supplies-as-make-up issue. I was about to dive into that pool in second, but now I know better.

    As for things learned:
    Being alone and being lonely are two very different things. You can be single and not be lonely and be lonely and not be single.

    Also after not having sex for over eight months, you vagina does not grow back together and close for the rest of your days. (deep sigh of relief)

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  8. also.. I thought y'all may be interested in this: http://blog.museumofsex.com/the-internal-clitoris/

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  9. I learned that I'm really really gay...

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    Replies
    1. Same here! Going on 8 months now with my wonderful girlfriend. 2011 was the year of going after what I wanted :)

      Delete
  10. Hanging around the girl you like, even though she has a girlfriend, is a bad idea. Trying to be just friends and bro out does not make you suddenly only friends. It doesn't make you less attracted to her. It just makes you fall head over heels for her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. almost the same situation. worst. feeling. ever.

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    2. Yeah. It really fucking hurts!

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    3. This happened to me too. We're still bros but with clearer boundaries. Also focus on hobbying like doing collective lezzies things with other lezzies!

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    4. At least you werent the girlfriend who got left for the bro-y friend. Because let me tell you, that sucks more. Peace out 2011 and those two bros in it.

      Delete
    5. Yeah, that. Especially when we went to Pride together, and I expected lots of other people to be there, but they were all stuck in some other part of the city, so it was us three all along and I was so heartbroken. That day it dawned on me that some crushes take time to get over in the same way relationships do. I have stopped the bro-ing ever since, to let my heart heal. It worked.

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    6. This. It also doesn't help if BOTH of you have girlfriends. At the end you fall head over heels for each other anyway and end in a lot of drama and broken relationships.

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    7. Good fucking call.

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    8. Yuuuuup. Sucks so much. You only fall harder.

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    9. This sucks so much especially when every time she's drunk she booty calls you and you have to say "no" because you have to be the better person...why can't I just be a dickhead and have sexy times with her?

      Delete
  11. I have learned that saying "we need to talk about this because it really irritates me" is best said sooner than later. Our arguments have now turned into very short, calm discussions. 2012, no more fights :)

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  12. When all your friends take turns being into the same girl, it is VITAL that you know who's turn it is, and politely ignore any crushes of christmas past/future

    Also, when a friend/crush tells you she's single again, be sure to ASK if you're sorry before consoling her/bashing the ex

    ReplyDelete
  13. I learned to make it clear that I just want to get coffee and be friends, and not get coffee as a potential first date. It makes the car ride back, really, really awkward.
    But on a good note, I have discovered that having lesbian (platonic) roommates is wonderful. 2012 is looking pretty bright.

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  14. MY WANTS COME FIRST.

    Confidence and assertiveness are really two things I promised to work on this year. It is good to put people first sometimes, but if you do it all the time you will get walked on and end up unhappy.

    That's knowledge I have learned from my past lesbian relationships, so I'm sure it counts.

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  15. Wishing for someone to be gay doesn't make them gay.

    The obvious lessons are the hardest to learn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This. I spent all of 2011 and some of 2010 learning this. Maybe I'll finish learning it this year.

      Delete
    2. So much.

      The more you want something, the more you'll see it.

      Delete
  16. 1) That being out with friends, family, and girlfriends is VERY different than being 'out' to your workplace. Tread with caution (like homos/gayelles/queers aren't really conscious of it already) when telling people that are phobic and could potentially make a situation where you spend 40 hours a week very uncomfortable.

    Also, don't ever smile at/ compliment physical appearance or personality/ be anything more than cordial to said homophobic person if she is a girl. You run the risk of getting more HR complaints.

    and last, a general goal: If (when) homophobic girl realizes she's into twat, help.

    ReplyDelete
  17. don't lose your virginity to one of your best friend's best friends that you've known since freshman year of high school...too.weird.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I almost did that. But then we passed out drunk. the lulz.

      Delete
    2. yer...um or to your best-friend-from-since-you-were-9 while all your other friends (who you have been trying to convince that there is nothing going on between you two) are asleep in the same room...

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    3. *hopefully asleep

      Delete
  18. Crushing on straight girls is probably a no no, especially straight girls you're good friends with and do sweet shit for you that you read waaaay too far into.

    Yeah.

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    Replies
    1. Oh straight girls... I came out after I fell head over ass for a straight Catholic girl. Found out that she wasn't flirting with me the whole time; she's just "naturally touchy and friendly." It's also such a pisser when your bi friend tells her and she has a conversation with you about how she's not going to change. Oh, I did sweet shit for her too...

      Delete
    2. Hi, are you me?

      Delete
  19. If you need to be drunk for the chemistry to happen, then it's not really chemistry.

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  20. 2011 was the year I learned that wearing lacy and/or flimsy underpants while riding a bicycle around a cobblestoned city was a VERY BAD IDEA that would put me out of action for funtimes for days to come. 2012 is going to be the year of sensible sturdy cotton underpants while riding.

    And tell me Christa, where does the amazing narwhal/unicorn/rainbow picture come from? I must know!

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  21. I learned that when reading effing dykes in a lecture,one should probably sit in the back

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  22. If a "friend" can hardly spend time with you without complaining about virtually anything: the fact that you're in a happy relationship and she isn't, the fact that she has more to do than anybody (even though that's bullshit), the fact that you choose times/days to hang out when she has more important shit to do... etc. then end the friendship.

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  23. if it starts casual, it's doomed to end unless it stays casual

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. not alwaays. my girlfriend and I casually saw each other (i.e. slept together while both seeing other people) for about four months before we narrowed it down to just each other. and I dunno that I've ever been happier.

      Delete
  24. I went on one of those is-this-a-date-things, and then met her again the next two days and asked if she had a girlfriend. I should have kissed her when she said no. (Then she went away for a month and came back with a new girlfriend. Hmpf.)
    And for your gay activities: go to a roller derby bout! It's women in fishnets on quad skates tackling! The Chicago Team: http://www.windycityrollers.com/ (Although, I should probably mention that not all derby girls are gay. But many. And we're hot and a new kind of sporty dyke.)

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  25. In 2011 I learned that just because someone has an enchantingly great rack, does not mean they've got an enchantingly beautiful heart of gold hiding underneath. --Anyone else secretly think the 2 were related?

    I also learned that rugby is not a game for girls that spend more money on pretty, sparkly make up than car insurance every month.

    Crutches aren't so bad though, I s'pose.

    Happy 2012, gorgeous lesbots!

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  26. sometimes you realllllly want something to work out and you think you need it and it will never stop hurting if it doesn't happen, but it does. really fast. if you put your mind to it. and then good things happen.

    but what i REALLY came here to say is that i have a friend that used glittery cake topping as eyeshadow... not like, icing, but that shimmery iridescent stuff that you put ON icing. works great, apparently. it's edible, so it's perfectly safe on your body. go forth and enjoy the baking aisle!

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    Replies
    1. relevant first paragraph is relevant. i just need to believe it

      Delete
  27. Two things, which are echoes of what has already been stated: Number one, drink more water when I drink alcohol, so that maybe, I won't get super wasted and try to kiss my friend's girlfriend. Who I don't even feel attracted to. (omgwhatwasIthinking) Number two, STOP BEING ATTRACTED TO STRAIGHT GIRLS. Especially girls that nobody knows if they're straight or not, because they flirt equally with both sexes and has never had even a fling with someone, to the best knowledge of all interested parties.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How does the 'nobody knows whether they're straight' translate into 'straight' ? I'd assume queer until stated otherwise.

      Go for it, tiger.

      Delete
    2. No no I'm in the same boat as person a here, girls who identify as "straight" even after sleeping with another girl, ie. me, and then are all, "I'm confused!" are literally the bane of my existence these days. And then they proceed to send you pictures of themselves asking your opinion on a dress and 3 days later telling you all about this guy they plan on marrying...does this happen to other people or just me?

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    3. It's not just you.

      Delete
  28. In 2006 I learned I was gay. In 2011 I learned that no matter what my homophobic parents, classmates, and general bible belt society might say, being gay is not a "choice" that will doom me to a lifetime of misery and loneliness. Instead, it's me, it's who I am, and that's awesome.

    I also learned that my sister is more supportive than I ever dreamed, and my brother-in-law, (once he gets done laughing hysterically), gives surprisingly good advice on how to ask girls out.

    Signed: girl who's (finally!) getting ready to go out on a date with a girl for the very first time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. have fun! It's gunna be awesome :)

      Delete
  29. Lesson: One cannot convert every girl. And going to extreme measures to convert hold-outs will put you in some dicey positions. Sometimes literally.

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  30. I learned to not read way into things when you're digging a girl. ***The simplest explanation is the most likely, even if it's hard to accept.

    I also made a rule to not lose myself in the process of being strung out over a woman: I am independent, and my awesomeness needs NO verification. As Barney Stinsons said, "When I get sad I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead."

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  31. Great sex is no excuse to stay with a women who's not good for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No sex is a great excuse to not stay with a woman who is good for me.

      Delete
  32. It seems like your fatal move with the shiny powder was rubbing your eye, not using it in the first place. I'd try it again.

    Something that is bad to do for sure is using rubber cement to apply fake facial hair. It sticks on great and peels off easily when you are done. But it burns like a MF when you first apply it and gives you a rash. Not that i know from experience.

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  33. In 2011, I learned what I wanted. In 2012, I'm going to get it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I KNOW WHAT I WANT, WHAT I WANT'S RIGHT HERE WITH YOU







      obligatory t&s for the fucking win




      god i'm imcredibly gay

      Delete
    2. Omg, just died a little at that ^

      =) Thank you, anonymous, for the laughs.

      Coincidentally, I am watching a Tegan and Sara dvd right now. Ohh the gayness =)

      Delete
    3. Oh boy, did I ever get it. May 2012 be the year of more AMAZING sex.

      From,
      Original Commenter

      Delete
  34. there's a reason why it's recommended that people in the first year of sobriety don't start relationships. let them do their thing, don't push it.

    if you spend more time in a relationship debating breaking up than actually enjoying the person, you should break up instead of being miserable for 5 months.

    polyamory can work.

    if the universe is throwing some sick humor at you, throw it right back.

    it's possible to kiss a cis boy and like it, and realize that i still don't want to kiss 99% of cis boys, and not re-evaluate my queer identity, and continue to find kristen stewart wildly attractive.

    ReplyDelete
  35. You know what I learnt?
    I learnt that I should have believed it when you said you can't promise me anything. Should've known that sometimes people actually mean what they say. That sometimes when they refuse to commit but doesn't leave just yet, I have to make a decision instead of waiting and hanging on to every little bit of false hope.

    2012 is gonna be a year where if I heal myself and fall in love again, I'll either be getting ALL OF YOU OR NOTHING AT ALL.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Four years into my relationship, I learned that I can stay with my lady and be in a relationship (even when it gets hard and boring) if I commit to committing and work on knowing myself better. If you break up with one, you're going to have the same problems with another. So, find one you like and stick it the fuck out. Be nice, autonomous, aware of your reactions to stress, and don't except another human to fulfill 100 % of your needs. And get it on at least 3 times a week. Sex chemicals are your friend.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I learned that if you're going back home to the small town where are your relatives are from to see your cousin graduate, make sure the girl you flirt with at the dinner isn't related to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahah
      awesome

      Delete
    2. Hoooooooo fuck. This is a big one!

      Delete
  38. Don't expect to be friends with your current girlfriend's ex even though you were friends with her before you started dating your current girl.

    She may not be ready yet. And, in my case, she may never be ready to be friends again. And you have to accept that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am going to pretend that my ex's current girlfriend wrote this because it makes me feel better to think she might feel bad about ruining our friendship. So... thanks?

      Delete
  39. If a girl has just broke up with you because you moved out in another city for university, and you still go back home on weekends, don't go to queer partys the next week, because she will probably already be with her previous ex already.

    ReplyDelete
  40. My gay lesson from 2011 is to acknowledge red flags when I know I really like somebody instead of just looking past the bad traits and trying to see them as 'challenges.'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, that's great advice. It's really hard for me to follow! I always see people as challenges, thinking I can fix them. Somehow I'm always attracted to dysfunctional people I can't have... Glad someone else is learning their lesson! Maybe I can get my act together, too!

      Delete
    2. Yessss, I used to be the same way but I've finally realized that no one can fix anybody, only that person can fix him/herself and it usually can't happen in the timeframe you want it to. Better to just be with someone who is on your level!

      Delete
  41. Lesson learned in 2011: I can't change the fact that there are people who aren't going to like me, or will say things to hurt me, because of my sexuality, and it's not worth the time to try and make them happy.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Just to be annoyingly pedantic, the Mayans didn't actually predict the end of the world in 2012. That is just when their calendar happens to end. saying this signals the end of the world would be like looking at a regular calendar and saying 'this calendar ends on december 31st. from this, I can deduce that the world will end on december 31st.'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not to sound mean, but I don't think most people here actually believe the world is going to end. That, or they already know the part about the Mayan calendar ending on the given date.

      Delete
    2. Well I didn't know that part! Thank you annoyingly pedantic anon, I mean this. Not that I ever believed in any of the whole end-of-the-world shebang; still, good trivia.

      Delete
  43. I learned tok be less shy otherwise you'll be sexless for long amounts of time. Until you drink 2 bottles of red wine and making out with your best gay guy friend when everyone else falls asleep.
    Lesson learned: red wine is an aphrodisiac and gay people(well most people in general) love sex D:

    Which makes things confusing to the both of you
    are we...bi?
    lol

    Stop being shy lesbians! we're out here

    AAAAlso, don't be afraid to be yourself.
    So I love women, but I hooked up with a guy. Has anyone ever seen Go Fish?
    Why do gay communities turn discriminatory when these things happen? Our community has been discriminated for so long for being gay? So why turn around and do the same thing when someone gay does something un gay? We're not being accepting. And thats not fair. What if this hurts the other person? STOP HATE.

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  44. I learned that sexuality can be fluid. There's no crime in that.

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  45. yay. my photo's on here! I have never heard of this blog until now. Right on!

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  46. i leaned that i am more sexually attracted to women than men. now how to tell my husband... >-<

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  47. In 2011 I learned that a lot of fights can be avoided by saying EXACTLY what you mean. Don't Sugarcoat, dance around it or wait for them to get it. Just say it, even if it hurts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Living by this in 2012.

      Delete
  48. In 2011 I finally actively accepted the fact that I am definitely NOT straight. Since 2007 I've known that I was attracted to women, but it wasn't till this past year, when I became truly pathetically infatuated with a girl (sigh, she is a goddess), that I finally accepted it.

    (No happy ending here... I don't know her name, don't know if she's gay... to top it off, I live with my bf who happens to be the boy of my dreams)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it's great to hear that you've accepted yourself. curious: what are you going to do in 2012 about it?

      Delete
  49. Never try and rap (badly)P.Diddy's 'Wet' when a incredibly hot girl, your having fun with, is about to go down on you! I can't hear this song without laughing hysterically now!

    ReplyDelete
  50. In 2011 I learned to never date someone who is still in love with/dating their first love. You can't make them love you more than the other and they will just use you for sex until the original one comes back into their life. Also, you will never meet their standards and instead end up changing yourself for all the wrong reasons.

    2012 New Years Resolution: Don't allow myself to be used or walked-over anymore! Here's to being single and loving being free!

    Ps. Krista! One post a month is NOT satisfactory! What a terrible case of blue balls it is waiting for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. Literally that exaccct same thing happened to me in 2011:( It took me 10 months to learn that lesson!

      Delete
    2. I think I win. Took me four years.

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  51. I learned that no matter how mature/clear you are with your relationship boundaries, feelings get hurt.

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  52. I learned that forgiveness is a blessing and the best thing to happen when you really really fuck up.

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  53. I made out with my best friend (read: BEST friend. Like someone I couldn't imagine living without) and within two months lost her. Lesson: keep friend feelings and romantic feelings separate.

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  54. I learned that no matter how hard you try, people drift apart.

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  55. Long distance relationships can work but you HAVE to trust each other and forgive the fact that your girlfriend has a reallyhotexgirlfriendbestfriend.

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  56. When they say "no its fine,i don't control your life, do whatever you want."
    It means "that means a lot to me and if you do that, i will break up with you."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yo, here's to a new year where you date a girl who says what she means.

      Delete
  57. I learned that whatever happens fast also ends fast. Without a reason, without a goodbye, without a word.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I learned that just because you've had a crush on her for 3 years doesn't mean she won't break your heart soon after dating. She didn't like you that long, and will move on long before you can pick up the broken pieces.

    ReplyDelete
  59. In 2011, I learned that wanting to like her and actually liking her are two VERY different things.

    Just because it seems like you would be perfect together (same interests, humor, etc) if there's no chemistry, it's just not going to work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like the lady on the other end of my situation, except that I received no explanation. I'm leaving it behind, though. It is time.

      Delete
    2. I went through a lot of personal pain before and after figuring out this one. Hard to realize it, especially as a people-pleaser. But we can't force ourselves to feel things, can we?

      Delete
  60. I've learned not to approach girls the way i used to approach guys, or the way guys used to approach me because that was a dysfunctional mess. Also the L word is not a comedic satire starring Alice, but it is the worst written show ever, and I'm better off watching girl porn with skinny girls (which is not much better off at all). Oh and when I come from a real place and love the girl, things work out, yay!

    ReplyDelete
  61. Don't listen to the radio while going through a breakup or you will inevitably end up sitting in traffic while the driver of the car stuck next to you tries desperately not to stare while you sob your way through the chorus of Adele's "Someone Like You".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my god. Me, too.

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    2. It's like you were in the car next to me watching me...

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    3. Add another one to the tally

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    4. I completely understand this... Except that my friend and I sob our way through it jokingly.

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    5. Oh shit. Me too.

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    6. welcome to my summer

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    7. Nothing but NPR for me the past 3 months.

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    8. definitely had this happen 3 times on my 8 hour drive home for thanksgiving break...

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    9. I learned not to drunkenly send it to your ex via Facebook message...

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  62. Don't be so rigid in your beliefs. You might have true love staring you in the face, but ignore it because the women embodies one or more of your no no's.You don't know until you try.

    ReplyDelete
  63. I learned that no matter how much you desire to be friends with the girl you have been casually seeing, after she decides to cut you off randomly and wont talk to you about it, it is probably best to consider her dead to you. No matter how much you believe in your heart that, had you had that single conversation you asked for to sort shit out, you could have saved the friendship. Also she will take all your newly made friends that she ditched you for... so best to start looking for a new social group asap.

    ReplyDelete
  64. I learned that it's OK to be a total femmey femme.

    I also learned not to fuck with the Academic Honor Board, even accidentally.

    Grades aren't everything.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Simple: Leave straight girls THE FUCK ALONE.

    No matter how much they've teased. No matter how much you want to lean across the cab of the of the truck and kiss them.

    DON'T. Just don't.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I learned in 2011 that the less you talk to your ex, the faster you will get over her! And if you keep trying to talk to her, things will get so awkward that you will realize that you would rather just remember the past than try to rekindle some kind of something resembling a friendship now. Because once you've gone through all that with someone, your first, you never really get over them, and you also never really want to be her friend either. You just want to see her so you can feel happier about your life, because that's one step closer to either getting back together, or getting closure.

    I also learned, like Kate Roberts, to leave straight girls, or girls with boyfriends ALONE. No matter how much they flirt back or say they would be with you if she and her boyfriend broke up, THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER. This means she is off limits. For all practical purposes, she is married. Don't wait for them to break up. You don't want to be the rebound anyway.

    The easiest, fastest, and most painless way to get over someone is by not talking to them or seeing them. If you can achieve this, as painful as it may be, the better off you will be. Retain your boundaries, and if you feel like you're crossing your own boundaries, you probably are. Stop yourself and don't do it. Walk away. Don't get into that nasty cycle again, for the love of GOD.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true about the not talking/seeing ex's. Also the anguish of trying to be ok with seeing them and their new gf may cause you to do stupid things like free-running when you have an injured knee... which may lead to you requiring a knee operation.

      Delete
  67. 1. DON'T move to Los Angeles with your ex just because that was the plan before you broke up and it would be an epic pain in the ass to change plans now.

    2. DO spend all day on okcupid while there though... Might meet your future wife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm in LA...and on okcupid...

      Delete
  68. I've learnt that if my ex-gf still has feelings for me, I shouldn't fuck her even when I'm lonely because I don't like her anymore. It's unfair and brings bad karma.

    And....bad karma... meaning that I'll probably end up fucking someone I really like who doesn't feel the same way, but they still fuck me because they're lonely. See? What comes around goes around, bitches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. this.. happened to me. it hurts. dont do it!

      Delete
  69. Never date someone in the same major as you...and then break up with them. ESPECIALLY if there are only 10 people in that major...aaaaand you have a 5 person class with them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That will be me this semester....this girl came out to me, we hooked up a few times, talked like crazy, then she told me she had a boyfriend, and then went crazy when people heard about us, stopped talking to me, then texted me "I miss you" over break roughly 4 times, and we have the same senior thesis class this semester...this is what I get for rebounding...

      Delete
  70. 1. Yay for a new blog post! Hope you're feeling better Krista :)

    2. Lesson of 2011: similar to one of your friend's. Sleeping with that girl you've been flirting with will not make you forget the girl you're in love with. In fact, you will only think of her the whole time.

    ReplyDelete
  71. this year I learned that:
    In Canada, everyone wears flannel. Not just dykes. oops.

    also, in Germany, everyone wears birkenstocks. Not just dykes. Double oops.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For the record, in Canada, everyone wears birkenstocks too. Especially girls at College/University.

      Delete
  72. In 2011 i learned that 99,99% of the girls out there just *pretend* they're happy to be (/ have you as) one night stands. And so i learned tat if you do not love someone, and therefore do NOT want to start a relationship, well, do NOT be nice to them, even though "nice" means "normal" to you. "Nice" means "ok for love, wedding and dog adoption" for most of the so-called one night stands.
    On the other hand, once you've made it real clear, once you've beared with the fact you sound so "crual" (while you're only *cold*), once the girl really got it and realized you wouldn't have been the good loving wife she was dreaming of, well, everything gets fun again! And that girl could even become a friend, someday, maybe.

    ReplyDelete
  73. i learned something VERY important:
    Once a relationship is over IRL, end the facebook/whatever social network RIGHT AWAY. DO IT. Or you might end up atrociously broken hearted AGAIN -seeing the happy pictures of your happy ex lovingly kissing her new lover appearing on your "wall" like 6 months later, just when you thought you were doing fine. (I didn't think my ex would use FB ever again... I know, what was i thinking..???)
    OR you might suddenly find "likes" on every one of your publication -from that girl you fucked twice and to whom you said you would not be able to be in a relationship with her (because she sent you tons of sms filled with "lol" and smileys, but that i didn't say) ever ever ever. That sucks too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. omg I think im "that girl" in the latter. fml. It seems casual, no? also what is an sms?

      Delete
    2. SMS = short message service, also known as a text message

      Delete
  74. Don't take back someone who cheated on you. For a year. And then pretended she was cheating on you to prove that you hadn't forgiven her for cheating on you. And then didn't even get you a birthday card despite having been together for three years. And then stopped washing to see if you noticed, got mad when you suggested she shower, and then became furious when you didn't suggest she shower.

    It was a weird year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What you learned was there are other choices to being in a relationship with a seriously crazy person. Good job.

      Delete
  75. Being a girl's wingman at a hideous karaoke bar can lead to a fantastic future relationship with said lady. Especially after you embrace the fact that your first relationship with a girl, messy and idiotic as it was, wasn't a fluke, you really do prefer women to men, and that no, it's not going away (nor should it).

    ReplyDelete
  76. in 2012 I met Alan Equality Bounville who is walking across the united states for gender equality. What I learned and understand and passionately beleive now is that I deserve FULL EQUALITY NOW.
    My life feels different now.

    I learned that I don't need to justify myself or prove what a good person I am in order to be out and proud in my family, my neighborhood and at work.
    I learned that I am a full grown 45 year old woman and I don't need to go to family stuff and be uncomfortable.
    http://www.intothelightwalk.com

    ReplyDelete
  77. my lesson learned: coming out makes you MORE GAY. also, dating girls with mental health issues is really difficult and sad.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I learned that the worst part of breaking up with your First Love isn't right when it happens (though that sucks)-- it's months later, when you try to start dating again, and realize that at some level, you compare every girl to her.

    I'm reeeaaaally hoping that in 2012, I learn how to stop doing that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel you on this one...

      Delete
  79. If she wears a nose ring, y'all, just kiss her. She might not be gay, but she'll consider if her nose is pierced. Just sayin.

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  80. I learned that I am a total top. who knew?

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  81. I learned that when your girlfriend lets you read her psych file and it says borderline crazy Believe It!
    Also when someone tells you who they are (like I'm a mean person) believe them...who knew

    ReplyDelete
  82. I'm going to go out on a limb and speak out against the don't-bother-with-straight-girls trend the comments seem to be revealing. As a former straight girl, I'd say that it's always worth a try. I was hit on by a girl at a party, and she made me question my sexuality more deeply than I ever would have on my own. She also ended up asking me out, and we've been in a relationship for the past year. So yeah, anything is possible, just don't make assumptions about anyone's sexuality, even your own!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ESPECIALLY at a young age :)

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  83. Do not introduce your ex to your current girlfriend right before you break up. They will date.
    Do not do this again four months later.

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  84. I learned that your emotionally abusive, alcoholic girlfriend will become physically abusive if you start standing up for yourself. So kick her the eff out of your place already and you'll be a MUCH happier single person!

    ReplyDelete
  85. just because you THINK you're over her, does not mean its now okay to sleep together just for fun.

    ReplyDelete
  86. I learned that if a girl is infatuated enough with you to (1) break up with her old girlfriend for even a chance to get with you, (2) send you a love poem out of the blue declaring her undying love for you, and (3) give up her first long weekend off in months to drive 9 hours each way and spend it with you, if you don't have that same depth of emotion, just say no. Even (especially?) if you're lonely and have never had a relationship and think that maybe possibly you could give it a try and see if it works out even though your common sense is telling you not to do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed. I'm secretly really glad that I'm not the only person who made this mistake.

      Delete
  87. do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to fall in love with your very taken coworker. and if you do, do not, under any circumstances, get drunk and kiss said coworker. awkward.

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  88. If you cop to it, you can transform having no game into GAME.

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  89. Never leave your phone unlocked.

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  90. In 2011 I learned that no matter how amazing you look with short red hair, your friends will never cease commenting on how "bulletproof" you look.

    Also, even though she's not wearing a ring, that does not mean the cute girl you've been hooking up with is not in fact married, or that she's not married to your boss. That was an awkward party.

    Oh and last one, don't sleep with that hot bi curious english girl you met downtown the week after new years. Especially don't sleep with her in her boyfriend's bed. While he's in it, passed out drunk. He will wake up. There will be much awkwardness with a pinch of drama. And a year later when you still go on trips across europe with them (because the world is a small, small place) he WILL insist on group hugs, because, you know, you might rip off her clothes at any moment.... (in all fairness I should have known better)

    ReplyDelete
  91. I tried to date a straight girl back when I was 17/18 y/o and it turns for the worst(TRAUMATIC. Now I'm 24 and still haven't dated anyone.. I shouldn't have learned from my mistakes...

    ReplyDelete
  92. In 2011, I learned not to sleep with the person who stalked you for 3 months during the previous year and is also in the closet because your girlfriend of over a year broke up with you while you were out shopping for party supplies and you're sad and lonely. It will result in her flipping out when people find out about the two of you because apparently she has a boyfriend, and then her psychotic EX-boyfriend hacking into her facebook and sending you a message saying she has herpes...which, you will thank the queer baby Jesus profusely when you find out was a lie. The moral of this story is don't sleep with crazy stalker closet cases because you need to rebound. That shit leads to wayyy more drama than it's worth.

    ReplyDelete
  93. I learned that no matter how much you and your girlfriend love each other, never let your own life be overshadowed by your "relationship". Because when she breaks up with you you'll realize that you don't remember how to be yourself anymore and that all of your friends have moved on. But, if this does happen, I learned that once you figure out how to get yourself back again you'll realize that you're really fucking awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that you don't need other people telling you in order to feel awesome--it is innate.

      Delete
  94. I learned that even though your mom said she's ok with it when you came out a year ago, things will be very different once you actually go on a date with a girl. Your mother will freak out and turn out to be pretty homophobic. Never mind that it was just coffee and you don't know if it will actually go anywhere from there.

    ReplyDelete
  95. I learned how to fuck.

    Hell, I learned that it is possible to fuck someone without having had sex with that person.

    ReplyDelete
  96. I learned that I'm not the girlfriend-type. I just don't work like that. Simplicity first.

    ReplyDelete
  97. My lesson:
    You will never find a girlfriend if you're socially inept, stay inside all the time and everybody thinks you're straight. Those straight girls who are telling you that they 'know tons of lesbians' are never going to introduce you to any single one of said lesbians.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, a wife in Skyrim doesn't fucking count. :D

      Delete
  98. -No more playing by anyone's rules but my own. It's harder to regain your balance after being knocked on your ass if you're not used to being yourself.

    -Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Anything worth having is worth an effort.

    -NO MORE STRAIGHT GIRLS.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Drunk texting is a bad idea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahha i agree so much

      Delete
    2. Drinking is a bad idea.

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  100. I learned that sometimes coming out isn't worth it. The family you love the most, the people you know are good people, may surprise you by not understanding. They may be super politically liberal, they may have gay friends, but suddenly, when it is their daughter, they may tell you you are "too young to know" that "this is something you can still grow out of" that "I 'support' you in your 'struggle' " while also implying, (to borrow from Jeanette Winterson's brilliant summary), "why be happy when you can be normal?"

    And I also learned that coming out can be the best, most liberating thing, because you may have a cousin who wraps her arms all the way around her, not remotely abashed or disgusted, who says "I love you no matter who you love" while squeezing you hard enough that you can forget about all the shit you've been getting and believe her. I learned that you appreciate hugs a lot more when they've been scarce in coming, and strength comes from loving yourself even when, especially when, those around you can't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Why be happy when you can be normal" just made me cringe in my seat. Ouch.
      You never really know how family's going to react to theese things, but those people, like the cousin, really makes the world seem a little bit brigter during hard times <3

      Delete
  101. I've learned that distance < being in love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I learned, for hopefully the last time, that full-time LDRs are never worth it. There is no romance in heartbreak and loneliness.

      Delete
  102. I learned that's it's probably not a good idea to have sex with your very married best friend. Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
  103. I learned that:

    a) you should never judge a queer by her cover she may not have looked like a player but she certainly was one
    b) don't make out with a girl unless you know her relationship status
    c) not to fall ass over tits for the afore mentioned player

    ReplyDelete
  104. Life without Facebook is not only possible but preferable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hell to the yes, Anonymous.

      Delete
  105. 2011... Realizing that for the first time in your life you have feelings for someone. They've got a smile that makes you want to grin like a dork, they'll cuddle with you, they joke flirt with you, and generally make you feel like the most special person in the world, but it's not mushy or all codependent. Your friends comment on your awesome bromance. You're on the verge of not calling yourself 'aromantic' any more. She calls herself straight but has never been with anyone.

    But you're a suspicious fuckhead. You wait. You give it time. You don't say anything. And suddenly you see that it's the same smile she has for all her friends, the same joking flirty lines, the same willingness to cuddle without uncomfortable sexual undercurrents, the same joking easygoing manner.

    You're just another buddy, and you'll never be anything but. You can't even tell her to get it off your chest, since she's come to trust you because you're asexual. You won't joke-grope her or make her uncomfortable because that's not who you are.

    The minute you say you feel something, even though it's not to say you want sex or ever would, that trust is gone.

    2011 - The year you learn to man the fuck up and get over it.

    ReplyDelete
  106. I learnt that sex without love is not my cup of tea.

    ReplyDelete
  107. I learned that if the total extent of her public affection is Plausible Deniability, you're gonna get burned.

    ReplyDelete