Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Exclusively for Cardmembers

[thanks Bee]

Hey there, trench-drenchers!

Yes I said it.

Today it managed to stay light outside until 5 p.m. 
[by Rian Merrill]

Holy, holy shit.  

As I headed toward the bathroom at work, I saw the sun slant onto the office carpet all warm and evening-like for the first time in ages, and it occurred to me that maybe it won't always be freezing forever, with blackened slush and lead-grey skies and heavyass winter boots and fucking puffy coats that always fall off onto the floor when you hang them up. 
 [thanks needlepointernc.wordpress.com]

Maybe, someday, it won't get dark 'till 9 p.m., and we'll all be laughing somewhere with our bikes in a circle on the street while we eat ice cream, waiting for a band to start their set, wearing tank tops that show off great tattoos and curving collarbones while the balmy breeze gently ruffles our asymmetrical haircuts. 

Someday, bitches.

I don't know about you faggettes, but when winter hits, I have the distinct, animal-like tendency to curl up and hibernate. 

Put on the red footie pajamas, bake gluten-free chocolate cake, light the balsam-fir-scented candle, get out the shameful Thomas Kinkade (Painter of Light!) 750-piece jigsaw puzzle with the picture of cozy, non-existent English hamlets and spread it alllll out over the floor.

This is what I do if I allow myself to hibernate.

And... once I start hibernating, it gets gradually harder and harder to do anything at all outside of the bare minimum of going to work. 

Eventually, as the weeks pass, vital, regular-life things, such as 'going to the grocery store' or 'taking the trash outside' become insurmountable tasks.
[thanks Cara]

Obtaining food (at the grocery store less than 1 block from my house) means taking off my pajamas. 

And I am not willing to do that. 
For any reason.
[thanks Hannah L.]

I become a living embodiment of the principle of inertia:  I resist any change to my state of rest.

Lots of people do this in the wintertime.  

Dykes especially.  

Why do you think gayelles vanish from the clubs and restaurants and bars and events?  

It's too fucking cold and girls are soft and warm to cuddle with.

As my friend Sarah's grandma once said to me: "Honey, it's colder than a nun's cunt out there."

Everyone's at home, wifed up with their girlfriends and roommates, bitching about how no one goes out, Netflixing Bound for the 22nd time in their sweatpants.


This year, knowing my tendencies toward extreme shut-in-like behavior, I decided to perform a Highly Scientific Experiment.

Hypothesis: If inertia works one way for me - i.e. an object at rest wants to stay at rest - then the inverse must be true - i.e. an object in motion wants to stay in motion.

Like I formally declared in my New Year's resolutions:  I was going the fuck out.  

[thanks Bee]

And now, y'allfags, I'm exhausted.  
I've been going out all over the place.  
For a hermit like me, it's been fairly intense.

In the last week or so I've: shot pool and darts (yes) at a two different dyke bars, watched a lesbian comedy show, gone to the Chicago League of Lady Arm Wrestlers, gone to see a 90s-sounding garage girlpunky band, and been dancing twice.  

And...it's working! The Scientific Experiment is working!


My body in motion wants to maintain its state of motion! 

Sluts, I've found the cure for Winter Dyke Drought:

Just go out a few days in a row, and you won't be able to stop after that.  
You'll remember that you like to do things not-so-much involving your electric blanket, and inertia will take care of the rest.

When I win the Nobel Prize for discovering this, I expect you all to put on some actual pants and come to the afterparty, btdubbs. 

[via untamedgorilla:]

Anyway! Since everyone's been inside so much, have you been watching all these "Shit That ___ Say"  YouTube videos lately?  

I know, I know.
Everyone's sick of 'em.  
Everyone except me. 

My god.  I can't get enough.

It started with this one: 

And morphed into a whole  genre   of  hilarious shit.

We all traded the best videos back and forth among ourselves at work, and I thought that every possible population niche had finally been accounted for....


And laughed at my desk until tears streamed down my face.

"Is this gluten-free?"  "We met because her ex and my ex are dating now."  "Let me just re-blog this post about pronoun usage."



The lesbian in me wants to get offended by this, but there is really no. denying. that I've said "heteronormative" in the last few days.

[thanks http://rachelmaddowheygirl.tumblr.com. just...thanks.]

But really, though - why is this video so funny?

I think it's funny because it's an exaggerated version of the truth. 

I see myself in it.
I see everyone I know lots of gay girls I've met in it.

And...how is it possible that so many of us say these exact things?  

Where did all this come from?  Who started it?  
[thanks pillowtalkmpls]

Why do lots of us latch onto the same ideas - so many of us that someone can make a hilarious, total burn of a video and have thousands of queer girls instantly identify with it?

Y'know, going out so much to queer stuff lately has gotten me thinking about gaydar in general.
[thanks Sky]

How are lesbians and queer girls so damn distinctive? 

How do entire clutches of girls manage to throw off "gay" to onlookers? 

How do we glance at a group of women and instantly get a suspicion that peen might not be on the snacktray ?
[thanks sg]

Is it a walk?  A way of talking?  A specific item of clothing?

Is lesbianism a special club you instantly join the moment you admit you're going through more than a 'passing phase' with boobies?
[via planeta-venus]

Clearly these deep issues must be pondered.

Because y'allfags, I've been getting quite a few plaintive letters just like this one lately: 

*edited for length*
Hi Krista of effingdykes,

I have a problem. I know this is going to sound weird, but here goes: I finally figured out last year that I'm queer, but I don't think I'm gay enough for the gays, if that makes sense.

I'm not straight and I'm not bi. I'm queer. I guess I would be called a lesbian, 'cos I don't sleep with men, but...I don't know how to "be a lesbian."  (Ok this isn't making any sense, I'm sorry.)  I just feel like when I'm out with other lesbians, I don't know what to do. The dykes in my town are really cliquey, and it's impossible to break in. I want to be in the club, but I don't know how. I feel like lesbians don't accept me, and straight people don't either. Maybe I act wrong.
Ok thanks for your help if you understood this at all,


[thanks Celeste]

Cliquey dykes, eh?  

Sounds like every town.

K.L., all dykes in all towns are cliquey, and if you think they're not, that means that you're happily ensconced in a dyke clique of your very own.

[thanks Jennifer B.]

It's really hard to break into new friend circles.  
It takes a long time. 

A lot of us come out and go "I'M READY NEW GAY FRIENDS COME FIND MEEEE" and then are perplexed when it proves harder than it looks to break into an awesome queer posse.

[thanks Elle R.]

The 'Shit Queer Grrrls Say' video jokes about it, but lots of queers -  especially *cough cough* urban, privileged, young queers - share similar ideas.  

You know.  
Lots of us meet on the internet.  
We, as a people, tend to care about where our food comes from.  
We all, all, all have crazy exes.
[via thisfemaleform]

But that doesn't mean that's how all queer girls act. 
Thank christ.

Not all dykes like cats.  
Not all queerelles are boi-ish.
Some lezzers never go out.
[thanks Valerie F.]

Obviously, there's no one way to be gay.

We are all beautiful and unique flowers in the swaying homosexual meadow - delicate, intricate blossoms of color that alone are lovely, but together make up a lush, brilliant meadow of faggotry.

K.L., you "not knowing how to act" around the cliques of dykes in your town just means you don't know how to be yourself around them yet.  

Or that they suck and you're hanging around the wrong queers. 
[thanks Sof X]

Not being "gay enough for the gays" is their bullshit problem, not yours. 

And I have news for you: 

You're already in the club. 
You're a member just by being queer. 
[thanks! drawingpicturesforyou]

While I was talking this over with CJ, she thoughtfully crunched into my last apple and said that she had just read an article that said that:

while social media is breaking boundaries all over the world in unprecedented ways, allowing us immediate access to personal information about each other online... in real life, people are marking their social boundaries more and more definitively.  

Claiming exclusive turf where once there was shared turf; pissing on a particular spot of an ever-shrinking patch of land. 

I think queers do a lot of this shit.


We can't hang out 'cause you're new.

We can't hang out 'cause you usually fuck girls but you sometimes fuck boys.

We can't hang 'cause you're not political enough; 'cause you're a transdyke; 'cause you don't identify the same way we do. 
[thanks Andrea B.]


It's rude!  It's no fun!  It divides us where we should be backing each other up!

Anybody else feel where K.L. is coming from?


  1. You have no idea. Seventeen about to be eighteen, and been out since fourteen. Dances, youth groups, fair days... I know 'of' many lesbians (on tumblr & facebook) but actually somehow being friends with them?? I just don't fit in their gay cliqe-y stuff. Forever alone -.-

    1. EXACT SAME HERE. I get left out because none of them are in AP classes and I'm only in those...so we never even had a chance to get to know each other.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. lol there are sooooo many gay kids in APP, look harder and give it time :)

  2. Can we get a link for CJ's article? She can keep the apple.

    So glad you keep going to arm wrestling. It's fab. Also a great way to break in to a group. The spirit of the original was and is really inclusive so go to one and walk up to somebody working and say you want to help at the next one. They will want you. They will.

    Not everybody will be queer, but they will pretty much all be nice. Promise. Or start one where you live if there isn't one already and draw all the cool kids to you. http://www.clawusa.org/

    Really, y'all. I picked up a girl at the cville one and I *never* pick up girls. Didn't work out, but she was really cute.

  3. O I am so deep in hibernate mode this winter; enhanced by the fact that where I live people DON'T go out if it's cold/rainy. My low point this month was losing my hot water bottle.

    It's amazing how true that statement was about social media vs. real life boundaries! I feel like every social group has their own cliques, especially sub-cultures!

    Thank you for brighting up my awfully gloomy day (;

  4. I totally understand where K.L. is coming from. I compensate by completely not giving a fuck. Srsly. I can make friends everywhere. If people are too snooty to accept someone as great as you just because you're new or *gasp* different, they're probably pretty stuck up and do you really want to be hanging out with them in the first place?

    It's ok to have straight friends, or male friends, mixed in with the gay ones. I promise.

  5. Absofruitly.

    Although re: the cold, Canadian ladies go out, so come on. Y'all have no excuse.

  6. Fo show!!! Sometimes it even makes me wonder...." Do I really dig the cave?" "am I just playin 'round?" Ahhh then I see a sexy lady and need to change my unders, and wonder if shes wearing any, and how she keeps it trimmed.
    Mmmmmmmmm boobies and downstairs.

  7. Absolutely! Krista, I go to Saint Catherine University in St. (I'm assuming you know about it cause you lived in Minneapolis) and EVERY FUCKING DYKE IN THE PLACE IS LIKE THAT. And there are a lot, believe me. They're rude, elitist, and don't play well with others. All they do is what I call "vomiting gay" where they become 2-dimentional stereotypes instead of real people. I'd rather be around my friends (who are all variations of orientation, including straight) because we are all real people. Real people who don't need to blast their sexuality 24/7 to be happy with their lives.

  8. I really get what K.L. means; I'm almost 18 and live a small town and I've been out for 3 years but I still don't have any lesbian friends. I don't have that "boy-ish" lesbo look so I lot of the queer girls in my town don't even believe that I am gay. It’s really silly that they are all so closed minded. But I won't wear my sexuality on my sleeve, that’s not the first thing I want people to see in me.

  9. I agree with the anonymous above. I'm worth more than the fact that I have a girlfriend. I also have beautiful, long, natural red hair, a sharp mind, a big heart, and a good sense of fun. I like television and Great Britain and cats. 'lesbian' is only a part of who I am, not my entire existence.

  10. Sorry to be a downer, but that video was poorly done (the "Shit white girls say to black girls" video was brilliant and the best out of the bunch), I cannot relate to it whatsoever as a lesbian, and 'heteronormative' sounds like some bullshit word invented by white people so their privileged, douchebag offspring could sound smart at their boring dinner parties.

    1. intersectionality! these things, these issues, they all interact and it doesn't make one less valid. heteronormative is legitimate and it just means basically heterosexuality is the norm, it's pretty self explanatory. it's a useful term, and is something that affects minority cultures a lot too.

  11. Congrats again on getting nominated for a Bloggie for "Most Humorous Weblog" and "Weblog of the Year" on http://2012.bloggi.es/ Long live Effing Dykes!

    I have no personal stories to share with regard to the topic, but I like your metaphor of meadow of faggotry. :p

  12. Absolutely. I've noticed three specific factions of queers (within a US, academic location). There are the social queers (the cliquiest), the anti-assimilationist queers (the most controversial), and the activist/political queers (the most open group). Of course there is some overlap, but it's very hard if you want a group of gay girls who will go out to bars and stuff....they don't like to let you in. I think I oughta explore this in a blog post...hmmm....

  13. Oh Krista, I just took myself to the other side of the world (Australia to Canada) for school and I get so fucking lonely it's not funny. And most of the time I feel like it's not even worth it to try and find queer girls to hang out with. I don't really drink and I think that pretty much dries up any chance of getting into any kind of circle. I miss laughing and hugging so very much. I wish there were a badge we could wear, 'I like vaginas, will you be my friend?' This would make everything so much easier.

    1. Where in Canada? There's lots of us here- and contrary to stereotype, we're not all big drinkers. Give it a few months and a sports team or the on campus GSA and you'll have girls to hang out with. Promise.

    2. Where in Canada are you??

    3. Victoria, BC. I feel like such a creep sitting in my women's studies classes and staring longingly (in a platonic way) at the girls with alternative lifestyle haircuts.

    4. When I went to UVic there was a LGBT group in the Student Union Bulding... it might be easier to meet people there without the pressures of going to the bar partying :)

    5. I know this is insanely unhelpful, but I will totally make you that badge.

  14. Huh, I had to take a second to remember whether or not I wrote that letter.

    I didn't.

    But now I feel I'm in a queer clique with its author. Sweet!

    1. HELLS YES! Not only am in in hibernation mode trying to make a resolution to get out more...I GET THE CLICHE.

      I just got out of a Very Serious LTR (with kid) and while I ended it (she crazy) I am still heartbroken. I started sleeping with a dude b/c, you know being gay, my heart won't get involved but its sort of fun. But my gay lady friends are all judgmental and ew about it. The dude is NICE, a feminist, interesting, loves my friends and understands its a fling. But my friends are Not even a Little Understanding. Its lame. So I started making new lez friends but I'm too scared to tell them I'm sleeping with a dude even tho I identify as lesbian so I feel like I am lying all the time. *frustration*

    2. OOOH GURL we are TOTES in a clique!!! <3 We should probably get satin jackets.

  15. COMPLETELY get it. I just moved to a new town and it was super hard to break into the "queer scene" even though the entire area is super queer-inclusive. I just kind of cheated my way in: I joined a rugby team.

    1. rugby is always the answer.

    2. Hell yes it is! Without rugby I wouldn't have my wonderful group of gays. Even if you don't play just go to a game, talk to a rugger, get invited to the social, and BOOM new mo friends.

    3. Except then I went to a place where rugby is a majority straight sport and was the only* lesbian on my team. Damn.

      *not really, I found out later, but the other one was very shy :)

    4. truth. I don't know how lezzies meet each other without rugby.

    5. My last team sport was handball. I'd hit Bible belt capital.Not surprisingly, I only stayed a year.

      And then I joined the uni AFL team...Always thought it was weird and by no coincidence that gay girls find eachother through footy. 7 of our 40 squad must be straight...but they're still cool!

    6. to that comment about being the only lesbian on the team.....i thought i was until i met someone later on but in that case i was the shy one because even in meetings i always felt that exclusion so i never bothered to even try to click in i just had the "if people wanna get to know me then they better talk to me " mentality

  16. Where I live having a "queer scene" or identifying as queer is looked at like you are some crazy, liberal activist shoving your new age ideas down peoples throats. Hence, this letter has been my life since coming out as queer. You're either a dyke or a lesbo. Nothing else.

  17. I feel as an outsider all the time. My best friend is straight and I'm a fashion stylist and femme, so most gay girls don't believe I'm "really" gay. I've been out for 8 years now, and was engaged to a woman for 5 years. I'm gay, I have no doubts about it. But many times that I've tried to make lesbian friends my sexuality is always questioned. Even the other night, my friend and I went to a lesbian night at a popular bar and a group of lesbians made fun of us, laughed (and literally pointed at us) and even asked us if we were lost. It's hard to find a date in a situation like that. I have worked for the HRC, and currently volunteer for a few lesbian non profits. I write my own gay blog and participate in as many gay events as I can, but since I don't wear "the uniform" I'm not invited into the club? It's so silly, and counter productive, I feel. If we want the world to be all inclusive, we must start by being that ourselves. The key is being geniunine towards others and accepting that they are giving you the same courtesy.

    1. AMEN. Femme queerelle here jiving with your sentiments.

      I take approaches like casually outing myself to my entire classroom during discussions. For the win. Pretty sure the TA started giving me the eyes after that one.

    2. Ahh haha I feel like this could be one of my students. A super cutie in the class I TA for mentioned her girlfriend in class and I definitely gave her the eyes all semester after that..

    3. Haha at the two Anonymous above me...

      *sings* Effing dykes, bringing people closerrrr....

      (Should be your theme tune Krista)

  18. Argh, good for you, Krista, going out and being all proactive. I just moved to Chicago a couple weeks ago. I saw a flyer for the League of Lady Arm Wrestlers this past weekend, thought about going, but did not, because, well it's cold out there. But thank you for being gung-ho and all. I feel like if you can do it, I should at least attempt. We'll see how that works out.

  19. CJ's right about the social networking dilemma. I read an article on Newser the other day that said that people who spend more time on facebook observing others photos (*cough* facebook stalking) end up feeling more dissatisfied with their own lives.

    While I think it's human instinct to feel unique, and in some ways this translates to feeling left out- we, as a queer community, don't do ourselves any favors by excluding those who don't fit our gender/social/appearance norms. This weekend I had a discussion with a straight, not-gender-normative male who identifies as straight about how the queer community is the worst about trying to label people who don't fit gender norms as 'closet-ed' or 'not admitting it to him/her self.' I don't think one post or comment will solve our community's exclusiveness, but I do think that queers who read this and recognize that they identify or others identify with the feeling will help us at least agree there's something negative happening.

  20. I'm a queer witha gf trying to break into the bay area queer scene. SO HARD! If I was single I'd be all "what aaaaaaap ladies, who wants to slow simmer some sexual tension?" but being attached has me all paranoid about signals and friend dates and all that weird shit. It's like if I'm with my gf no one pays us any attention and if I'm out by myself I'm like "she looked at me! I looked back. Does that mean I'm flirting? Does she think I'm flirting? I like her hat."


    1. It's even harder when you have a bf.. I'm a bisexual who's currently in a relationship with a guy, but I still really love hanging out with and being around queer girls. But I just feel like a fake for even trying. As soon as I mention the boyfriend, they are extremely dismissive. Sigh.

    2. I feel ya...it's hard to love everything about your friends when they're dismissive of an important part of your life...

    3. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we recently opened our relationship so that I could finally have some sweet girl-on-girl lovin' (I'm like a 4 on the kinsey scale and sometimes peen is just not what I want), but it's just... Not happening. I can't not be honest with them about my situation, but as soon as I mention that the SO is a dude, it's like I'm fucking untouchable

  21. Lol, it's a St. Louis queer take-over on this blog (Elle and Bee)

  22. Everyone is cliquey to an extent with their friends. Yet, I would definitely agree with K.L. in that, from the outside, one doesn't perceive a lot of room in most queer circles for gayelles who aren't "gay enough". I really wanted to find that video funny, but I couldn't because it made me feel, once again, like I wasn't "part of the club." So after watching that video, I shrugged it off and was like, "Yep, 'Shit Minnesotans Say' is still the best one!" Now here I would say, "Ah ha! Ya see, it's funny when you're in the group, living that identity without a care in the world!" but I AM A LESBIAN TOO. It's not my whole identity, but it's there and I shouldn't have to prove myself. You're only as strong as your weakest member, ya know? I am proud of who I am, clique or no clique; sometimes it would just be nice to have some more company <3

  23. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GoX9B2AuG0&feature=player_embedded#!

    shit people say to femmes ahahaha love it

  24. KL is so awesome for bringing up this issue.
    I don't really have many lesbian friends, but the ones I do are really cool and open about different types of people. I'm one of those girls who don't like to label my sexuality because I never know who I'll like. I like to get to know people and if were attracted to each other the way we are then it shouldn't matter.

    But with that in mind most girls just tell me im bi and don't want to take a chance with me.
    I'm very accepting to all sorts of people but I have a hard time accepting myself because others see me as slutty because they all just call me bi.

    So judgemental is insane. Why? Stop judging people, people!

    I think we should just be ourselves and who ever doesnt like us maybe just isn't worth our time.

  25. I do SO MUCH. I like men and women and everything in between, but I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm not femmey enough for the femmes, not dykey enough for the dykes.....

    I'm a crazy hippy queer, and I feel like I'm not enough of anything to truly Belong anywhere.

  26. I understand how KJ is feeling. I literally have no lesbian friends, and in such a tiny area down south, it can make living here so much harder when there's not anyone like you to talk to

  27. My variation on this unfortunate theme is that recently, as an apparent aftereffect of re-acquainting myself with my girly side, I have been attracting straight men.

    This. sucks. big. time.

    I've felt reasonably accepted, coming out in my smallish town, but clearly I need to broadcast the news that I'M TOTALLY A LESBIAN SO BACK THE FUCK OFF anyplace where straight men might hear.

    Maybe if I could get into one of these cliques the menz would stop already.

    But hell. I have work and kids and pets to take care of. I have no social life.



  28. A friend introduced me to your blog tonight, and I am *really* enjoying it! Thank you so much for your insight and your open-mindedness on this issue.

  29. The clique thing is totally an issue where I went to school. I myself went through the "oh crap, how do I get in on all the gayness?" thing, until I realized that many of the people who were part of the clique were actually not people I wanted to get to know. There are other people not in groups who are gay, and there are for sure other cliques who would love to hang out, the trick is being okay with yourself and not chasing a group of people who you would not ordinarily even like if they were not gay. Crista is spot on when she says you're already in the club. There is no one way to be queer, and it gets lonely sometimes, but its better in the long run to not sell yourself short by jumping at the first thing you see.

  30. Oh my god. Read K.L.'s letter and immediately spent a disconcerting 5 minutes worried I had started sleep-emailing strangers. I ALWAYS feel awkward in queer crowds in my town (Portland) because I "don't look queer." I've been on dates where girls - at least one women's studies major, at that - have actually grilled me about my orientation and use of the term 'queer' (which I prefer over 'lesbian' for a number of reasons...not being super gay is not one of them). I don't know what to tell them other than to ask how on earth am I 28 years old and still dealing with this high school sh*t?

    I've had absolutely NO problem making friends with queer-identified women who mostly date men, but befriending actual dykes feels next to impossible.

    1. I'm relocating to Portland for work in a few months and have been admittedly worried about this aspect of the scene. When I last visited it was clear that there is a very constructed idea of what you're supposed to identify with as a queer woman there. Something I've never been fond of is forced conformity for the sake of fitting in. It's sad that as a community we are isolating ourselves from each other because of this.

      Annie, it's nice to know that there will be someone else in the city who is outside of the box. Cheers to you.

  31. This happens all the time. I have the joy of living in College Station, Texas (it isn't exactly known for being the most open minded place). Oddly the gay people here fit the closed minded bill too. The glbta at my school is a disgustingly one-dimensional clique that only dates within the family. The other girls are hidden away and are not open to making new friends and how dare I even try to talk to them, omg what's wrong with me??! Quite frankly I've given up on the lesbians here. I don't give a crap if they like me or not. I'm open to meeting people, but I'm not going to bend over backwards just to please them or fit in. If things are right, it will happen on its own.

    1. As someone who hails from Austin, I hate to say that the niche of cliques and stereotyped ideas on what lesbians should/shouldn't be isn't any better here. It's extremely disheartening to see. You'd think that living in conservative red state would make everyone less judgey towards fellow queers, not more so. Maybe if more gays here adopted your attitude of being open to making new friends, we'd all be able to band together and create a new non-exclusive club :)

  32. Huh, as an "older lesbian" I can honestly say - we have all been on the outside and didn't know how to get in. This is actually true of heteroes too. Meeting people is hard, putting ourselves out there and risking rejection is frightening. The saving grace is knowing that everyone else has been in this same spot.
    So.. get out there, be bold, be beautiful and be yourself. Get involved with a local lgbt center, join a glsa at your nearest college or university ( you don't have to be a registered student), connect with people from your area by searching for a social group that gets together weekly or monthly (ie yahoo groups ) or join one that just chats on line and make a plan to meet on neutral comfortable grounds ( coffee, mini golf, a concert ).
    You will find your niche and those friends will become family. Your circle will grow and change continuously and remember when you meet someone new, make them feel welcome because that was once you and you know how to bring them in more easily.

  33. Huh.Welp, let me tell you something, Krissie: the other side of the globe is pretty much as shitty. I live in \Eastern Europe, and believe me, here you have a better chance of spotting a real, live unicorn on the streets than a gayelle/ gay boy/ anything with a queer mind. So, yesterday my only lesbian friend took me to a cafe. Turns out it was owned by a super-cute pair of lesbians, and there were TONS of gay people slowly seeping in from the cold as the evening progressed. 'This is it,' I thought, smiling so widely that my cheeks hurt. 'I'm gonna meet so many glbtq people tonight it's not even true.'
    And then they kinda... shoved me aside. WAT. T_T
    Ouch, that hurt. I'm this cute little thing with long hair, glasses and a talent to fit in everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I'm not shy, I'm open. I can talk to anybody, about anything.
    They... just. I don't know. I was sitting there, sipping on my beer, people talked and laughed around me and everytime I said something or laughed they'd just stare at me. It was like 'omg, the wall talked.' Bleeeeergh.
    Still though, at the end of the evening one of the owners, the cute femmy girl told me to come back again and gave me a hug. I think she kinda felt bad.
    So I'm going there again, soon. I don't care. They can give me a semi-cold shoulder again, whatev. I liked what I saw- they were real close and not really elistist. I guess they just need to know me. May be wariness is a natural part of the LGBTQ community? I guess it's normal for my city- a small one in a small, very patriarchal country. :) They all have families, and pretty much none of them are out.They gotta be on their watch.
    So, girls, my advice: be pushy. Talk to people, take the first step. BUT! - only if it's worth it. Only if the people you wanna blend in with are cool. Don't hang around with walking stereotypes, kk? :) Greetings from Bulgaria. (And Krista, it's both Christmas and my birthday when you post something here <3 )

  34. Hi Krista,
    You should check out this video "Shit Straight Girls Say.... to Lesbians":


    My fav is: "I'm having some trouble with my cats, can you help me?"

  35. (This most definitely can be debated/may not make sense) I feel like the fact that lesbians as a group, have been oppressed by society which inevitably can make one feel inadequate and in turn has had an effect on the way we treat each other. Obviously this is not always the case, but consistently having people perceive you as being outside what a lot of society considers the norm (heterosexual), does make one feel oppressed. As much as we like to say "we don't give a shit about what people think" to some extent this still affects most of us (maybe only subconsciously, but it does.) Although some wont admit it, everyone wants to fit into a group, or feel like they belong. Maybe it is harder to find lesbian friends or people of oppressed groups because they want to feel entitlement about who they are and rejecting/excluding other people in compensation for the way they have been treated.

    I may have worded this wrong, hopefully no one gets offended :S. Just a stream of consciousness ya'll.. psycho analoGAY

  36. yah, that video would be even better if she didn't sound like a total fairy. i'm sorry... am i the only one who can't stand gay men?

    1. hey my name's kate, i'm actually the one in the video. i'm queer-identified and i sometimes get confused for a gay man - when people want to insult me, they usually use "fag" "fairy" in addition to "dyke." beyond my personal experience with the word, i know a lot of people for whom "fairy" is not so great a word, so honestly, using the term that way in a negative connotation is hurtful, and it's not really cool. i have bit of a lisp, that's why i talk like that. and i'm not one hundred percent masculine or feminine like a lot of people in the gender spectrum. that might be why i strike you as more like a "gay man." sorry that took away from your viewing experience. and please don't judge all gay men, no one wants to judge any one group for a false stereotype. i certainly don't want people to say they can't stand lesbians, even if some of us sound like "fairies."

    2. I really hope you're the only one who 'can't stand gay men'. I guess 'they' are 'all the same' to you?

    3. Kate I'm not usually attracted to non-femmes but I thought you did a great job for a solo "Shit __ Say" and also you're pretty damn cute.

    4. kate your comedic timing is perfect! h8rs can h8 but this vid is gr8

  37. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTvaoVeHoQw

    this one is better

  38. hallo! lovely conversation and lovely post per usual. can we ax that post two above by Anonymous, though, the 5:26PM one that slurs and hates on the gay men? no no no room for the hate here, dearie.

    1. i'm all for living and let live... it's the "stereotypical" "divas" who prance around expecting that i and everyone else will do the same that don't allow room for the less flamboyant types.

  39. I. Love. This. Blog.

  40. Hey Krista (and everyone else!)

    I love this blog, actually I think the New Years collective learning was beyond words hilarious.

    I'm a lesbian doing research on our community (women who self-identify as lesbian, bisexual, queer, or questioning (LBQ))

    Would you mind plugging my research on your blog? This is about making sure that our voices can't be ignored!


  41. Sigh. Krista, you just made me feel part of the club by asking why I didn't feel part of the club. I'm bi, love people in general, and am basically a horn dog for whatever sexy bits you got. Boobs? ZOMG gimme all the boobs, peen? love 'em. Soft, lovely lady lips (I want all different kinds all over my face). But hang out with the gayelles, and I'm a man-loving, experimenting past college, straight girl. Hang out with the straight-ies and I'm queer as a 3 dollar bill being stuffed in the thong of a leather dog. To make matters worse, I'm non-monogamous and a BDSM 'switch'. I literally don't fit in any group, even the polys are split down the sex-positive/sex-negative line.

    My go-to line is "I just love people, everyone has an equal shot at turning me on" but that doesn't typically get me anywhere further than laughs. Do people like me threaten "real" gayelles? Should I keep my preferences to myself? Are there social queues I'm ignorant to?

    1. Dude. We are the same.
      I was wiki-ing this just the other day.
      I can't believe I have to do RESEARCH just to know what to call myself! Everything is so needlessly convoluted!
      Ultimately, I found a wikipedia entry on pansexuality, and that seems to be the closest so far.
      I bought a pin off etsy to celebrate.

  42. Shit queer girls say:
    "Queers/gays/lesbians are so cliquey and elitist."

    Think about it.

    This isn't about cliques or elitism or clubs. It's about insularity and insecurity and being marginalized. No one feels part of the club. It's the club of not belonging aka the club of irony.

    1. Yes, exactly! When you're marginalised, you don't know who you can trust, you're always on the look-out for the hurters. So you don't let people in easily.

  43. Girls are always cliquey... Hang with the gay boys... Ther parties are the best!

  44. I've had a lot of conversations about this recently. I had a lesbian friend call me out on being "bisexual" because I sometimes sleep with boys, when that is not at all how I identify. Labels are useful in figuring out who might be into you so you can have a reasonable shot at not being rejected. But labels, and I'd argue, identities limit us. Having to choose one of: "gay, bi, or straight," seriously limits the wonderful options that are available to us as human beings. I embrace those options, and I told my friend that I am not bisexual and she can't make that determination for me and we had a great conversation about. Keep talking to each other, keep fucking who you want to fuck.

    1. ...so how are you NOT bisexual again?
      It seems that you're implying you use the label "lesbian" (incorrectly, I might add) so you can avoid being rejected.
      That's pretty low.
      Throwing out the tired "labels are meaningless" argument doesn't change the fact that you are bi and too chickenshit to admit it. To make matters worse, you're contributing to the equally tired idea that female sexuality is a joke, and all lesbians need is a good dicking.
      Lesbian does not mean "if a guy I meet at some bar is nice enough or bugs me enough I'll fuck him."
      Yes, it's true that some girls will reject you for being bi, but that doesn't mean you get to change what "lesbian" means. You're not helping anyone.

    2. This is a really gross reply, just so you know. "Sometimes sleep with boys" =/= "if a guy I neet at some bar is nice enough or bugs me enough I'll fuck him." And Liplicker literally NEVER SAID that they identify as a lesbian, how many boys they sleep with or are attracted to, or anything that would inspire this sort of response. Maybe they just don't want ANY label, bi or lesbian or otherwise. You don't get to decide that they're bi and absolutely have to identify as such.

    3. While yes, you cannot choose one's label for them, women who sleep with men, then co opt the lesbian label do two things:

      1)Perpetuate the stereotypes about bisexuals being confused, willing to sleep with anyone,etc and

      2)Re enforce the idea that lesbianism isn't what it is: women who love women, no men needed. So, while I would never presume to choose labels for someone..you need to think about what you are doing before incorrectly applying them. Lesbians do not sleep with men on the regular, by definition. That's just a fact. You can have your own opinions and definitions for yourself, but it is not up to you to re write the dictionary for the rest of us.

      I am sorry to come off harsh, but you gotta think about stuff like that in the current climate. Apologies if I am misconstruing, Lip Licker..but it seems you are co opting the lesbian label? If not, its me with egg on my face. At any rate, just food for thought.

      For the record, if you ARE bi, own it. Queer is queer at the end of the day.

    4. 1. Liplicker didn't claim an actual label.
      2. A lesbian could rate herself Kinsey 5, or be attracted to women primarily but capable of enjoying sex with men, and that still makes "lesbian" more accurate than "bi".
      3. The fact that straight men think they can get lesbians to sleep with them isn't the fault of queer women of any kind. It's the fault of straight men, and please go learn some queer feminism 101.
      4. Not everyone identifies as male or female, and some of those who do are perceived as not; but being attracted to such a person doesn't make you bi.

      FFS. Attacking someone for saying she doesn't identify as bi, without any further consideration. Again, "the current climate" is not her fault.

    5. Um, bisexual doesn't mean you're attracted to each sex equally, but "lesbian" and "gay" do mean that you EXCLUSIVELY sleep with people of the same sex.
      Bringing up the MAABAAFFABABAB or any of that other queer/gender studies silliness has little relevance to the issue at hand.

    6. Anonymous Mar 11 2012 11:33 PM you hit the proverbial nail on the head. If you are a female identified human who sleeps with male identified humans, you are not a lesbian, by definition. You can call yourself one, but only in your own head are you actually one.

    7. Oh, Shannon1981. I've seen you pull this crap on Autostraddle, too. It's at least nice to know that you're judgmental and close-minded wherever you find yourself.

      Truthfully, I've found that only deeply unhappy people are preoccupied with making sure other people's lives fall within the lines of definition and compartmentalization they feel comfortable with. So I wish that someday you find happiness, so that you can get over yourself and (proverbially, OF COURSE) get off everyone else's dick.

  45. its soo the case is every town. i've lived in my town for almost four years now and have yet to find my "posse". The cliques are extremely hard to break into! So, i am quite content with my my small group of straight friends who allow me to be me and love me me no matter what! i will continue to fuck who i want and wait patiently to find true gay gal friends!

  46. Yep. Being bisexual means I'm not gay enough for (some) gays and not straight enough for (some) heterosexuals. It's aggravating sometimes, but I have my friends and that's that. :)

  47. Firstly- Krista, your blog is awesome. I just moved to the south from Ann Arbor and New York City and thennnn came out. Not a fantastic environment for the gays, let me tell you. My friends are very supportive but can't really understand and your blog has been a big help. My virtual lesbian pal.

    Secondly- I went to my first real gay bar ever last night (and one of the few in all of Alabama) and was loving it until I realized no one believed I was gay. It was so frustrating and discouraging! Pairs of boys would whisper and laugh in my direction, girls were paying no attention, someone verbally required verification that I wasn't a faghag but a real, live lesbian. What a downer.

    I wake up this morning all glum and lonely (at noon, obviously), and it's pouring outside. I'm feeling all sorry for myself and chugging french press coffee, when what should I find but this post! Who would have thought?

    Thank you! I thought moving back to a metropolis might be a beacon of hope but it sounds like the seas are rough out there.

  48. I felt that way in San Die-go (You Die if you go there.) I first came out when I was retreating to Cali. I got involved with a girl who introduced me to all her friends. We had fun but I just wasn't that into it. Plus the social circle there is tiny. I moved back to New York a few months later. I found a bar where I could be myself. It took a while and a lot of bars first. You have to avoid the gangsta dyke who is always trying to start fights. You should stay away from any club that allows trashy queers that try to push you around. However, once you find that special place, all you have to do is get to know the regulars. I did this by bringing a book with me and getting to the bar early. I needed a seat at the bar and an interesting book. I chose "I, Lucifer." I had something to talk about, I seemed intellectual, and I was the new girl. Also, tip well! The bartender in a dyke bar is your best friend.

  49. One single thought: on the first picture, the girl showing her ass, yea? Why is it so doughy? I can't stop looking at it, it's kinda like a boob, but it's an ass. I'm not liking it, I like athleticism.

    1. awful post; 0 stars; would not buy again; F------

    2. you'll have no competition from me for doughy-ass! that should make you feel better! -trolled!

  50. Yes, this. At my college, you've got the rugby queers, the theater queers, and the campus queer organization queers. There's some overlap, but I really wish there were more! I happily belong to the last clique, but we could all be so much gayer if we all KNEW each other. Also, KL, try joining a gay group and keep working with them even if they don't accept you into their clique immediately. Don't give up too soon! Chances are that they'll take you in eventually.

  51. I never have fit in with the rest of the queers. Always excluded. every time. Even at the Xena Convention I just went to. All these cliques. Dyke cliques, femme cliques, costume cliques, ugh. You know what I've found? It's okay not to fit. There is always another lone wolf. Usually two or three. Which is cool, because you become the lone wolf group without even trying. You can hang together, but there's no pressure. No one has to dress alike, be alike or anything alike. But we respect each other. And we get each other. Just a nod says, "Hey wolf, I see you. I get you. You're cool."

    1. Hey ! I like your way of thinking. :)

  52. The problem with the exclusivity of gay communities is that it's often a front. They seem so hard to get into but once you get to know the people you're mildly confused as to what took so long. I've found that often the gay communities are actually really close families who protect and love each other fiercely. And that's rad. But because of this fierceness, they also tend to seem exclusive. It can sometimes take time to find the best fitting family for you but that doesn't mean you should change yourself to make it happen faster. Sometimes it's a simple as going to a public rally and dyke spotting, or enrolling in a Women's Studies class. Ya know?

    1. This comment gives me hope. Thank you.

  53. that is such a good band! i clicked on the link and love kitty hawk, where do they play?

  54. I'm K.L.

    Thank you so much for your help :)

  55. Totally! There's this really cute boi-ish girl at my university and either she doesn't know i'm a lesbian too (femme invisibility) or she doesn't think I am enough of a lesbian to be part of her posse of other boi-ish lesbians who are vegan and such. So what if I like meat, I also like vag! Isn't THAT what's supposed to bring us together?

    It can be incredibly frustrating to be part of this club when you don't subscribe to all of the same "gay-isms" or "lifestyle choices".

    It's especially frustrating cause, like I said, she's really super cute.

    I guess I'm just not willing to change the way I live my life to conform to a group a so-called non-conformists. This is why I was never fully "punk" or "goth", no matter many safety pins or how much thick, black eye-liner I wore...

  56. I 100 and fucking 10 percent am on the same page as miss KL.

    I've never had a group of gay girl friends. Even when I dated a lesbian who was clearly at home in her own clique of lesbian friends, I felt distinctively apart from her friends and I was treated as such. That was back when I was seventeen and far more sheltered and diffident than I am now. Still, I am about to graduate from a very liberal, pseudo-hippie college with a sizable queer population and yet, I've never had a group of gay girl space friends. Only girlfriends. The only queer chicks I speak to live in different states and our friendships are maintained largely by our cellphones. Strange, strange. I still can't figure out why it's like this...I feel I am an attractive person on every level but still, no dice. I never 'broke in' to the gay scene in college and despite being out, gay chicks don't reach out to me.

    So if its any consolation, KL, you're not at all alone.

  57. I've never had a group of gay girl friends either. I have lesbian friends, and I've had girlfriends, but true *groups* of queer girls that I've known (particularly when I used to live in Victoria, BC) have often seemed like Mean Gay Highschool to me: cliquey, judgmental, and if you don't fit a certain look/idea you ain't in.

    This drives me crazy! It's intimidating, small-minded, and scary sometimes even.
    And in my experience a lot of these really out queer-girl cliques expect you to be really political all the time about your life and sexuality. You have to prove that you're a "true" lesbian, and if you like guys too, it's hard not to feel like you're a faker somehow - or that you are supposed to define and explain your sexuality. And sometimes you just don't want to be political about shit all the time!

    It took me a long time after university to realize how many queer girls are out there who don't actually care that much about queer politics - they just want to have a good life and meet people they love.
    And a lot of the time, in my experience, these girls don't hang out with the 'cliques'.

    The thing is, if you're single and want to meet girls, and you don't want to hang/try to get in with the intimidating high-schooly clique, it is really hard to meet people!

    So I totally feel this frustration.

  58. I sooooooo relate to KL I felt left out by my ex. I "wasn't queer enough" because I'm not a gold star, and when we met I was told her I had dated guys. Now she's came to terms with her sexuality more and is queer herself. Things change, shit happens, don't adjust for anyone let them adjust to you or find new people!

    1. OMG the gold star thing is awful. It's like lesbians actually reinvented the virgin/whore complex.

  59. Oh yes. I definitely can feel where K.L. is coming from. Actually, geographically, I am from KL. Now, I have loads of gay friends and I hang with the boys very often and am nuts about cats. Urrghhh... actually, K.L.'s letter basically covers it all. I'm rambling. Bottomline is, I understand what K.L. is talking about. Ha!

  60. Definitely. It feels like 'Lesbian' has become more about how you dress and talk rather than your actual sexuality. I've previously said that I feel less like a lesbian and more like just a girl who likes girls. Because the word has become so much more.

  61. hey! I'm your new follower! I love this blog so much, the cold as a nuns cunt, got me so much i almost wet my pants! <3


  62. Go to drag shows. Unprecedented levels of friendliness abound while watching drag kings strutting about thrusting.

  63. 'Lesbian,' 'gay,' and 'queer' are loaded words. It's not just girls who like girls. It's a culture. In fact, once you start actively labeling according to the LGBTQ- whatever else acronym...you're automatically part of something different. This tends to be true of oppressed minorities everywhere. We are no different. It is up to you if you want to join that 'something different,' or if you want to just happen to be a girl who likes other girls.

    1. The eloquence that I was trying to display, but failed to.
      Agree 100%!

    2. Thank You! This is something I've thought of for years, way back when I dove head first into that 'something different' and never looked back. I am happy being that kind of Queer. I wouldn't have it any other way and I need a partner who is that way as well. However, just being hard wired to want to be with women instead of men does NOT have to mean that you want the culture that comes along with that.

  64. Wow this one hit home =D I've been out for 6 years, I'm 22 now. Openly and to the whole world. I'm a hard worker and I really do just that "Work" so sometimes when I'm dragged out to do LGBTQ stuff I feel out of place just becasue I dont know how to really party with lesbian. I really only have about 3 lesbian friends. It's just hard to break out into the world but I'm sure when I let go of work, one day I will have an awesome posse to go and do awesome stupid crazy fun stuff with.

  65. Definitely in the same situation, I stay away from the cliques in my small city, they sometimes are just unaccepting of anything different to themselves and I'm definitely not like them, I have one or 2 gay friends only 1 lesbian friend and a few bisexual friends because I stay out of the community but it just seems like too much drama to be in the community it does make meeting girls difficult though haha

  66. ultimate irony that you post about dyke cliques and use a picture from one of them [pillowtalkmpls], being that I was ostracized from that group for coming out about being raped.

    1. What?? That is horrible. Nothing to say but that I hope you recovered and found other support.

  67. http://youtu.be/lgHiKx5l1ZA

    Shit straight girls say to lesbians!

  68. I came here to say how I type "effing dykes" to get to this website while thinking "ELFIN DYKES" but er, anonymous from above, really sorry to hear you'd get ostracized when you needed support. :(

  69. SO true, never noticed the lesbian cliquey thing myself until I moved to a new city. ):

    suddenly i was alone. haahaha

  70. Do i ever sympathize with this person!!
    I have zero, yes zero, real life lesbian friends. My only connection to the gay community in my area is all my gay boyfriends and even they aren't really part of "the community".

  71. I gasped while reading this. spot on with how I feel. Also K.L. are my initials, so this felt very personalized. >.<

    1. I recently wrote this on my blog, and am thinking some of y'all may or may not be able to relate to it:

      New City! New Cunts!

      And by that I mean that my infallible confidence with which I approach my career and cocktail party embarrassments is inversely proportionate to my zeal in the swindling of lady hearts.

      I identify as an invisible lesbian. I love queers and I love all my friends who love knitting and grey water and inner arm tattoos. I, however, don't ascribe to the queer aesthetic like a lot of finger-banging babes do.

      Conspicuously queer babes are adorable: They've got swagger and it says "HEY LADIES" all in one breath!

      But it sure as hell ain't me.

      When I first came to understand my homofabulousness, I was supremely insecure about this sudden shift in my hitherto I-don't-give-a-fuck sartorial sensibilities. I wore really, REALLY short skirts, showing off my razor-burnt legs and for whatever reason I didn't feel embraced by the community into which I thought I would fit. Being a lesbian has never really been my number one priority, though, so, after several failed attempts at wearing wife beaters to queer dance parties and farmer's markets I gave up and got back to the things that I actually care about: writing, traveling, overpriced six-course meals and getting naked in front of strange men. Needless to say, the beginning marked a dry time for my beloved cunt.

      NO WORRIES, THOUGH, FRIENDS, because I have discovered INTERNET DATING. (and internet friending)

      Online dating existed in 2008, too, when I was running around Montreal in kitten heels, but I wasn't aware of any of the options that extended beyond craigslist's w4w and missed connections. I have since educated myself.

      Seriously, I couldn't be gay without the internet. And not just for clam-jamming! For friends, too!

      If you feel ostracized by the scene, fuck the scene. Odds are there are tonnes of girls online who feel the same way.

  72. I often feel like I'm the odd one out when hanging out with people -- though I suspect it's mostly a product of my own neuroses. I'm either the one girl with no purse and her keys hooked to her belt, or the one girl, full stop.

    If anyone asks about my 'identity', I've been in a monogamous relationship with a guy for more than three years -- draw your own conclusions. A hot girl in a t-shirt and jeans is always going to turn my head, but if you believe I'm straight, I'm not going to bother arguing with you.

    I know what I like.

    (And what I like is a relationship that can be summarized with: "We share the pants -- and we share the frilly underwear, too.")

  73. Yeah I'm not intolerable but I can't find a friend to save my life. Now puzzle pieces for me. I'm not a fighter. I'm not a lover. I'm a floater. Boo :(

  74. please post! its hard to vote for you in the bloggies when we only hear from you once a month or less! i miss the old days of weekly posts. : (

  75. Hey Krista, do you think you have Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka Winter Depression or Winter Blues, or some variation of it? I know I do, but I only live in Texas. It causes mild to severe depression, laziness/sluggishness in the winter, and a whole lot of other symptoms. People aren't widely aware of it in the US, but I swear it's scientific (almost all doctors believe in it.) http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195

  76. Haha I can't get enough of this!

  77. oh my god. the comment, "A lot of us come out and go "I'M READY NEW GAY FRIENDS COME FIND MEEEE," literally made me laugh out loud because it's SO true! I feel EXACTLY the same way and can relate to all these concerns! Luckily I'm slowly starting to get to know some gay girls in my area, but definitely feel like an outsider. It doesn't help that I'm not much of a social person either :( Just gotta force myself to do it!! Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way :)

  78. Thanks Krista. As a queer (bi, I guess - hate that label) I actively decided to push my way into the lesbian scene in NYC years ago (out to every dyke bar on my own if I had to, internet date, anything to finally date women) and I can't tell you how frustrating it was to have women I was actually dating taking it upon themselves to decide if I was gay or straight (not to my face of course). Didn't stop them from flirting, dating, and trying to see me - they just used it against me when things didn't work out, and discussed it when I wasn't around. Warm welcome from the NYC lesbian "scene". Where is the dyke welcome wagon when you need one?

  79. LOL.... This is why I moved from Winnipeg to Victoria, Canada.. Well, one of many reasons. I found the dyke scene in Winnipeg way too small and cliquey and was already pinned as too straight. (which is absolutely balls, no pun intended, because I've slept with more women than I ever have men)That and seeing as it was obvious they decided to chat about me behind my back I became rattled by it, thereby making me socially clumsy.. Frankly, having moved a few thousand kilometers has certainly helped, HOWEVER, becoming more comfortable with myself in a place where the slate was clean has literally changed the entire path of my life.

  80. i never fitted in with the queer community in my school or in my neighborhood. I honestly feel more comfortable around straight people sometimes than I do around queers. Although I have found a small group of queers to hang with I still feel awkward around other queers...like I don't belong

  81. You could always cheat your way in to a clique by applying to your local starbucks.

  82. I think queer girls are clique-y but not more than any other group as people. As you get older, it's harder to infiltrate new social groups.

  83. I know I'm late to the party but I had to reply. This -- feeling like the gays won't accept me -- has caused me so much stress over the last few months. I'm afraid of growing up (I'm in my teens -- probably too young to define my orientation) and getting into the real world, coming out, and being alone. I want a community of people like me to share experiences and have merry times but it scares me to no end to think that no one will accept me because I'm not gay enough or I'm not straight enough or whatever else. And even though it's great to see KL letter and know that it's nothing wrong with us, it's just that the world is clicky, I'm still scared of being alone in the big bad world. I know a lot of my fear is because I'm an insecure kid, but still... I'm rambling. I just wanted to say that this is exactly what I was thinking today and it's nice to know lots of other people have this worry, too. I guess. It's not good we have to worry, but you get the idea.

    On a funnier note, some other posts on your blog make me worry I'll never get laid because I look like an average girl, and some of these other posts address gay stereotypes and how people don't always accept or acknowledge people who aren't pretty obviously homo. Gah, I’m soo afraid of not being accepted. But at least I have this blog!

    I only found this blog a few days ago and I've been reading through it backwards. I'm so happy to have found it because it's helpful and hilarious. It's so wonderful. I really appreciate it. It makes me feel less alone (funny thing, David Bowie’s Rock & Roll suicide is playing and he’s like “you’re NOT ALONEEE”) and a better about myself. It makes me less worried and more proud of myself. I really hope you see this because this blog, for the short time I’ve come here, has meant a lot to me. It’s wonderful and positive.

    On the cold: no. Cold is cold. I do not like it. It makes me hurt and stuff. I do, though, like winter clothes. And snuggling.

  84. I feel where KL is coming from. im in a phase of sexual evolution, being in my first few years or college and i play roller derby. Im not gay and im not straight and im not fully pan and i dont know how i fit in. i currently identify more as a lesbian but i cant seem to break into any of the friends of dykes that i play derby with. im sure im being myself but i feel like im almost not pretentious enough. i care but its not a huge deal to me where my food comes from, other than shopping at mom and pop co ops and i dont know any other lesbians well enough to know the culture and relate. i feel like im stuck because queers know im not fully gay and straight men know im not fully straight and so im caught in this grey area and its super frustrating. im sure i'm being myself at derby, its where im most myself no matter what but i cant seem to come to an answer about even what sexuality i am or weather i even need to label it. KL lets be friends, queer together.

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