OMG it's finally Spring.
I haven't been this happy since last September.
The maple outside our window has buds on it.
BUDS, you guys.
Life is good.
I'm sitting at my favorite coffeeshop, Swim, surrounded by queer/queer-looking girls, slurping down my second almond-milk latte and eating a stack of gluten-free cookies.
Do you have any idea how many years it's been since I've had dammit snickerdoodles?
A ginger dyke with an overly-styled fauxhawk just sauntered in wearing her teal work scrubs, leaving me to wonder, for the upteenth time:
Is every single person entrusted with poking needles into us gay?
Had I known about this shit, I would have gone to med school, best believe.
Anyway! The Loyola speaking thing went well.
If you were there, you probably saw me blush the color of a lobster every time it was my turn to talk.
My only two goals were:
1) Try very hard not to sound like a dummy, and
2) Try not to offend everyone all at once.
I think I might have looked like a teenager sitting at the grownups' table for the first time.
That was the most relaxed I've ever felt in front of a group.
And maybe I can get better!
Hopefully so, 'cause...what are you doing on April 6th?
Because I'm going to be speaking at Yale.
YOU HEARD ME.
Come! It'll be fun! I'll give you more details as I get 'em!
Now it's time to deal with bigger, gayer issues:
There's a girl in my yoga class who won't shower with me.
Here's the backstory:
This girl is very blonde, very straight-looking, way better than me at yoga, and has always been nice to me.
She even loaned me her hairdryer once.
We'll call her Sandra.
One Saturday morning, about a month ago, I showed up to class dragging CJ - who looks quite a lot like a boy - with me.
Sandra arrived at the same time we did.
We hung up our coats.
Our instructor, Jen, casually asked who my guest was.
Bikram is like a cult, and Jen smelled new blood.
I said, "Oh, this is my lil' wifey, CJ. My partner," and quickly kissed CJ's cheek.
Sandra turned quickly away and went to the locker rooms.
In class, she kept staring at CJ's fuzzy armpits, then staring at me. Then back to the armpits.
She always showers after class in her own flip flops and scrubs the hell out of her mat with Purell before she leaves.
I always shower too, but mostly because it's sad to be the only one nobody will sit next to on the crowded bus.
Inside the locker room, there's only two showers.
It's communal - there are no stalls.
If you're taking a shower, you're taking it with another naked girl about three inches from you, like it or not.
I usually manage to get to the showers first.
And Sandra used to hop in with me.
But...not since the day she saw CJ.
At first I thought it was just coincidence, but then I started to notice:
If a different girl beats me to the showers, Sandra'll soap up with her, no problem.
I've seen her do it, plenty of times.
But now, if I'm in there...she sits down on the bench to wait.
It couldn't be that, I thought.
Sandra would see me in under the nozzle, with an open shower next to me, and sit down on the bench to wait.
Last Friday, I let Sandra beat me to the showers.
I gave her a two-minute head start.
Then I oh-so-casually stepped in.
Sandra was sudsing her hair. She opened her eyes, saw me, and starting rinsing everything with the warp-speed efficiency of an army nurse.
She dropped her travel-sized shampoo bottle.
She bent down to pick it up, must have remembered that you don't do that in prison, and fucking left it there.
Dripping wet, Sandra bolted from the shower.
Slipping and sliding on her special flip-flops.
The lesbian. Saw her naked.
Oh. My. God.
So ever since then, I've been fucking with Sandra.
Taking 10, 15-minute showers.
Seeing if I can break her.
At first I thought it was funny, and then I pitied her, and now I'm just annoyed.
And I just have to wonder: What does this girl think is going to happen?
That is what I want to talk about today, sluts.
I want to talk about bizarre reactions to gayness from otherwise sane, intelligent, and friendly straight girls.
Is the sight of other female boobies going to be...too MUCH for her?
Will she try to kiss me?
What if my natural hotness overcomes her?
What does she think I'm going to do to her?
Why does she think I might do something to her?
Does she think something's going to happen in the shower? Like, actually, in the shower?
Is this just a knee-jerk reaction to something that makes her feel uncomfortable?
Is she a closet dyke?
Or am I overthinking this? Maybe Sandra dislikes my conditioner that smells like coconuts?
Y'allfags, in these trendy times, it is not. ok. to be openly uncomfortable with gay people.
When someone tells you "I'm gay," now, the correct response is "cool."
Even if gay people make you so fucking uncomfortable you can't even look them in the eye without thinking "Butt-pirate-fudge-packer-carpet-muncher-wears-strap-ons-GAY"...polite society demands that you pretend.
Which is why Sandra threw me for a loop.
She's in her 20's. She knows.
She may be a gigantic, conservative, born-again Christian for all I know, but in big cities, those people are hunted for sport.
She's in the public reaction minority.
And we were in a yoga studio, for chrissakes.
Aka Lesbian/Bi Girl/Gay Man Central.
What is this all bullshit about?
Weird Reaction Story #2:
My friend Cai, who is, admittedly, ridiculously, unfairly, boyishly hot, tells me that sometimes, otherwise-lovely straight women act strangely upon realizing or finding out she's a dyke.
Upon meeting Cai, certain straight girls will suddenly start saying strange, sexual shit in an offhand manner to her, looking sideways at her to see what kind of response they're getting.
For example: "Hey Cai, do you think this shirt shows too much cleavage?"
Checking to see what kind of effect their sexual energy has on a lesbian.
|(by kate moross)|
Let me re-iterate how hot Cai is.
But Cai (who miiiiight be a little bitter at this point) says that the straight girls are almost never serious, and that most times she's actually showed interest back, the girl backs the fuck away.
Do you get why Cai calls this sport fishing?
Cause you don't actually eat the fish?
CJ calls this exact same phenomenon - where a straight girl flirts with you, "tries you on", tries to get you to do her little favors, and tests her ability to attract you - a dry run.
Nobody gets wet during the dry run.
Juuuust interested in seeing if she can get the cute lesbian to want her.
Do you guys know what I'm talking about?
Don't get me wrong. Most straight girls are cool as hell. Funny, clever, sassy, feminist, and hot as fuck.
We're talking about the random ones.
The girls who have thrown you for a fucking loop.
How 'bout it, mos?
Anybody out there got a Sandra?
Or been Cai?
Have you ever gotten an absolutely. weird. reaction from another women about being gay?
|(by jake morgan)|