Thursday, December 15, 2011

Come Together

[thanks Naimah M.]

Ciao, dew-lappers!!


Just look at you.

Sitting there, snug in your chair, one hand on a delicious beverage and the other scrolling down this mess.
[thanks Celeste]
A minute ago, you gleefully clicked through your facebook and email and animalstalkinginallcaps and checked Rick Santorum's highly amusing twitter feed.  

You think I don't know?  I know.  
[honey badger video]
You're smug.  

Blissful in the knowledge that you're up to speed on everything the internet has to offer.  

No news headline has gotten past you.  No hilarious Rick Perry ad parody has been missed.  No movie trailer has gone by unwatched. 
[thanks Jessica Z.]

Well, I hope you're mighty pleased with yourself, because:  

Almost two years after it came out, I just heard about and watched all three of the Swedish Girl With the Dragon Tattoo movies in the space of one amazing day and freaked the fuck out over how unbelievably fantastic they are.  

Seriously, y'allfags??? Seriously?


Look at her.

What kind of a friend are you??  
I'll tell you: you're not. 

A real friend would have alerted me to the presence of dykeish spectacularity the instant you knew it was happening.


How could you do this to me.

My darling Noomi.  I love her.  

And it's too late!  It's two years too late!  

I have no one to gush to about these Swedish movies because everyone's already gushed, and the American version is coming out this next week, and everyone will forget about Noomi Rapace and I'll never love this new Rooney Mara faker more than my sweet Swedish cherub never. 

Ahhh god why.

In other news:  My grandpa died.  
I've been in Arizona, where my parents live these days, for a good long while, having an early Christmas with my tiny and now-dwindling family - just me and my sister and my parents. 
[thanks bee]

And if you're ever in the Phoenix area, and you're clutching at your hoodie sleeves in agony, going, "Is there anything to do here that does not involve driving?  Why do people move here for the weather and then never go outside?  Why the fuck are there lawns here at all, and why does Scottsdale water them to keep them green and put up fountains everywhere when this is a desert and every body of water here is artificial - every wasted drop of water a glinting diamond in a future death-necklace for this city?"...

just take a deep breath, and go here:
[I took dis]

This is why you move to the Phoenix area.  

This bar.

Cash Inn Country.  
Ridiculous.  It was ridiculous.  
S'gotta rank up there in my list of top 5 gay bars anywhere.

All I want now is a road trip across America, where we stop in every gay bar we can find.  Who's in?
[thanks Deena]

It was Saturday night.

My sister, Shelley, and I drove to Tempe, where a dark, brooding stucco building waited silently in the chill night air.  
The street was lined with cars.  

We nervously adjusted our outfits, wondering, like one always does when walking into an unknown gay bar in a new town, what the mo dress code was like 'round these parts. 

Well, inside, it. was. packed.

A western-themed, dyke-leaning two-steppin' queer bar!  


Hot barbacks running around mopping up spilled drinks! Gay boys in cowboy hats! Old dykes with silver belt buckles dancing complicated westerny-dance steps next to 21-year-olds with stretched earlobes and black skinny jeans and Cons! 

Everyone knew all the dances.
The walls were wooden and lined with mirrors and tiny twinkle lights, and the bartender was a tough older butch who called me "sweetheart."

All around the dance floor, there was a wooden rail, so you could lean with studied casualness and examine everybody without appearing creepy.  Thoughtful!
[thanks! pillowtalkmpls]

After three days being out of contact with all things gay, I was speechlessly grateful to be suddenly surrounded by queers.  
Just - so grateful.  

It was like a fountain of glitter shooting up in the middle of a gay desert. 
[thanks Sarah]

I smiled giddily at every person I saw at the bar - even the two girls having a barf-inducing "serious talk" pressed up against the wall behind me.  

They were stroking each others' hair and looking deep into each others' eyes and nodding solemnly and doing that long-lesbian-hug thing - you know the one?  

Where a hug turns into something linger-y and one woman(the one who feels it more deeply) closes her eyes and sniffs the other woman's hair in a public place? 
[via vild] 

I even loved them.  

I was just so excited to be with teh gheys.

Two gin and tonics in, as I beamed stupidly at everyone, Shelley observed that I "looked like a shepherd fondly watching over my flock," which I thought was pretty funny, as I had actually been thinking, right that second:

"Aw, look at all these mos. Look at 'em dancing!  How do they all know how to dance like this? Where did they learn the steps?  Everyone's so friendly.  I've never been in such a friendly bar.  God I wish I knew every single one of 'em."

Faggettes, there is really nothing I like to see more than queers having a good time.  

(I mean, other than boobs.  Obvs.)
[via tabbysaurus]

Seeing homos having fun fills me up in the way I think church must fill up other people.

I'm filled with the queerit!



Gathered together in every gay bar is a roomful - an entire roomful - of people who are told daily, in hundreds of spoken and unspoken and written and body langugaey ways, that they are not ok.
[Mars viaswitchteams]

Here's a throbbing, overflowing club full of people that the current government would rather pretend does not exist; a gathering of fags and dykes and transpeople and queers who have been told, since they came out and possibly long before they came out, that it is not ok to love who they love.
[thanks Lindsay P.]

Everyone's together. 

They've come together in this bar because:

a) they're queer or queer allies
b) they need other queers to affirm they're not alone
c) almost everyone likes beer
d) they have superior taste in pop music.   

Ohhh shit, I thought this was gonna be a simple post about the holidays and my 2012 wish list, but...

y'know, it always amazes and surprises me that lots of people think that we queers have no right to our own emotions and feelings and lives.
[thanks Erin and Elizabeth]

It takes away our autonomy to allow courts to decide whether gays and lesbians and trans-identified folks can marry and have kids and partner benefits and not get the living shit kicked out of them in high school while teachers turn a blind eye.

Like women in the 19th century.  
Or toddlers.

We can't make decisions!  We can't possibly decide to give our consent to be married, right?  

Our moral compasses are clearly all fucked up.  
Better let some men in subdued necktie shades sort things out for us. 
[Oh look, it's Mitt Romney. Hey girl hey]

Love is a basic human emotion, and by denying someone's most basic emotion - love - we take away someone's humanity.  

And yet here, at the gay bar, were all the humans, anyway.

[thanks Cate U.]
Tearing up the dance floor, laughing, lining up for the bathroom, texting and kissing and doing duckface for profile pictures.  

Baby dykes.  Moms.  Studs in spotless white shoes.  Androgynous kids.  Queens.  
[Susan, by Meichelle at outofeve]

So clearly intelligent beings, so clearly worthy of love and able to love and deserving of better laws and better leaders.  

I used to think that if everyone in America simply knew - simply had regular contact with - just one out gay person in their everyday lives, then "gay rights" would become a laughable concept - quickly filed under "everybody rights."

Everyone would see that gays are just like everyone else (except with better party theme ideas), and we could all shut up and go home and poster-paint companies would go out of business. 

But I know now it's not that simple.

Earlier that day, before the gay bar, someone I love had told me (again) that being a lesbian was my choice, and the wrong one.

I felt my heart huddle miserably into a corner.
[via paintedrain]

Seven years, I've been out.  

How could you look at someone you've known your whole life,  know she was a good person, meet and like her partner, see the relationship functioning well for years and still think her love not valid?

How can churches that preach about unconditional love simultaneously teach people to close themselves off from it?

[Thanks Noor]

How many times can you get beat up emotionally before you lose your ability to forgive someone?    
Because I'm getting there. 

How many times do you get back up on your feet and try again to help someone understand before saying, "You know what?  Fuck it."  
[thanks Naimah M.]

You know what I love about queers?  
This is maybe cheesy, but it's happening.

I love that we keep getting up again.  

And then we go muthafuckin' dancin'.

We try again with people.  
[Thanks NatFranzia]

We figure:  This time around, we have science on our side. 
Everyone will listen.  

We have better articles this time; better books, more friends, more allies, more openly queer people than ever in the history of the world ever.  

Better, bigger celebrities with each passing year.

*And, btw, how do you love Ellen and watch her religiously and then neatly categorize her rights as a person away in a compartment labeled "This doesn't directly affect me" ? Hmmm women of America?  Hmmm?* 

Gayelles, it's of course the holiday season.  

Some homos have cheerfully accepting families, but lots don't. 
[via awkwardfamilyphotos]

What do we do, we queers with tricky family situations, over the holidays?  

We have families.  We want to keep ties with our families.  Because...they're our families.  

If they were our friends, we wouldn't put up with this shit. 
But they're our families, so we stay and we try and we stay.

But now I need to know: do y'allgays have some secret coping strategies for this time of year?

Snappy comebacks for screwed up seasonal situations?

'Cause I need them.

I really do.  


  1. I hope you can find that great advice!
    For me, I guess I can't help you there, because I view family in a kind of detached sense, since we've always been spread out. They're people, like anyone else, and if they treat me like shit, I don't need them or their negativity in my world....

    I guess at the end of the day I would say, "It's a shame you feel that way." whenever a mean comment was made, and nothing more or less each time.

  2. Ah, Noomi. She's great. I'm Swedish, so I've had access to the books and the films for a long time. However, all dyke-ish delight at them kind of fades when she jumps into bed with her annoying male co-star (who looks EXACTLY the same in every film he's been in, which happens to be every Swedish film ever made, apparently) and all her sapphic inclinations disappear and are never mentioned again. I prefer to think of him as her beard.

  3. I LOVE seeing queers have a good time for the same reasons. =)

    My family kicked me out and disowned me after I came out to them. It's been 8 years, and we've just started repairing our relationship recently. It's difficult because I don't want them to try to change me, so I can't try to change them either, you know? In the grand scheme of things (as in things that matter on your deathbed) it's inconsequential what you both disagree on. The important thing is that they are trying. That's all you can ask for. Inertia is part of human nature, so think of how much effort it takes to try to bend for another person, even if they might not ever fully reach where you're coming from. Isn't that worth something?

    And then we go mothafukin dance.

  4. I am excited that you went to Phoenix and experienced the strange amazingness that is the Cash (what we locals call it) but disappointed that I wasn't there to see you in the flesh. Bwah! Arizona has the best gay bars, or did until many of them shut down. One bar was called Homme, it was a converted funeral home with two bars downstairs and one upstairs, the one upstairs being a lounge and the main one downstairs was a dance floor, the other bar was a secret one. It had glittery ceilings and a glittery cattle skull and a bubble machine, yay! One year during pride, they had $1 well drinks and naked chicks painted gold serving free jello shots. Awesomeness, too bad it's gone. Another bar called Incognito (or 'Incog') was a stud bar. I've never been because there was always cops, but wish I had because it does not exist anymore either.

    The Cash Inn Country's male counterpart, Charlie's, is really great. Last time I went there, they had a hole cut in the wall where a mexican food cart would be parked outside, ready to serve you delicious food.

  5. aaaaaand there you go, making this queer femme feel less alone, somehow magically reading my mind AND making me laugh about 39571 times in 10 minutes. amazing!

    also, i need a queer country bar in my life.

    as far as family awkward goes, i can't really help you. but what about long-time-no-see awkward? like people you went to school with? people you went to church with?

    this is the first year i won't be venturing home for the holidays, to the starbucks in the suburbs that is like a revolving high school reunion. i won't have to explain myself to anyone. and while i'm going to miss seeing my family and dear friends, i will not miss awkward conversations about if i'm married (i think i've figured out that what they're really asking is if i'm happy, but in tejas, sometimes those two words get mixed up easily). not. one. bit.

  6. I am going to check back later on the seasonal strategies, but I'd just like to say that it's 5am before my last final exam and I was in a terrible mood... until I saw the boobs picture. Thank you, Krista.
    Also, I love when you go all cheesy. It makes me feel like part of a big love-fest.

  7. I came out after 40, so my big issue was keeping my mother from viciously verbally abusing me in front of my children. Now that I've cut off contact and have a plan in place to keep her away legally, I feel much better. Your situation sounds less extreme...

    My dad prefers to just talk about me and the children, and that's fine. He's 80. I'm 45. The children are growing up. All he wants me to know is that I'm a good mother (a vast improvement from his initial response when I came out, which was a threat to all CPS - for which he has profusely apologized) and that he wants a relationship with us.

    Oddly, the family into which I married and from which I divorced has been and continues to be unconditionally supportive. At this time of year I would like to clone them and distribute them to everyone who needs supportive family.

    I don't envy folks who love their families and have to come up with "snappy comebacks" to deal with the holiday onslaught of prejudice. I'm not a bar girl but y'all can come hang out at my house...

  8. I hear you about the effect it has to hang out with our own. I wrote recently about this comprehensive feeling of alienation and distancing and how it grinds you down, even if folk aren't being overtly abusive/discriminatory: - would love to hear the thoughts of fellow effing dykes!

  9. I'm not a dyke, that I know of, but I just love you to pieces. :) I understand the feeling of wanting inclusion. I'm an Aspie so I get you on that. No one ever quite gets me either.

    As far as your "choice" to be lesbian, I totally support it. I believe everyone should be free to find love wherever they want to look for it with whomever they want to have it with. When my kids get older, they'll get no judgement from me on whoever they decide to love unless they're a bad person (abusive, etc.).

    Also, I would have loved to have been leaning on the rail right beside you, smiling and having fun. I need more fun in my life. :) You do, too.

  10. Well, i'm not being more helpful than the others before me. My best strategy is to avoid my family for Christmas no matter what. I've been doing so for something like 8 years or so, and i still feel a bit -tiny bit- sad when Christmas is approaching, even though i've always had great christmases with friends and all. But i prefer seeing them all at different times in the year (and not too often either), although it's not due to my "queerness".
    I think we hurt ourselves by keeping on hoping for something from them (=family) while we should know we won't get it. I think what hurts more is the somewhat ideal image we have of our relatives, the fact that we love them makes us think they will love us too, and it is painful to have to admit that your beloved mother / sister /cousin is a stubborn stupid asshole unable to accept -and therefore love- you as you are.
    Maybe it's everyone's problem, as parents idealise their kids > wishing the "best" for them (that is, the best THEY can imagine, be it being married, getting diplomas, or travelling around the world) ,
    and kids idealise their parents > wishing they were the best in the world, full of understanding, strong, protective, open minded and generous...
    Well, no genius techniques, here, you see... Sorry!
    But knowing where the door is and when the happy hour starts sure can be of great help!

  11. As an ally from parts rural, I was one of those folks whose religion was telling him one thing while his basic sense of humanity was telling him another.

    Well, there's always secular humanism!

    And, I swear, I see a new out couple on campus every week, and I can't help but silently cheer for them (I figure cheering out loud might be creepy). Here, they're in a state that's one bad election cycle from declaring holy war on them and they just don't give a shit. They're gonna cuddle in public like anyone else!

    (So, nervous babbling aside, know that there are some strangers that are silently cheering that you can feel safe enough to enjoy some PDA -- hopefully offsetting those that are silently condemning.)

  12. I'm very sorry to read about the death of your grandfather. My thoughts are with you.

    Regarding your emotionally-abusive family member, maybe you should take a break from them. Just stop. Stop returning calls. Stop returning e-mails. Stop seeing them in person. Eventually you may miss having contact with them, and then you can resume a relationship. Or, you may find your life is better without them in it, and the break can become permanent. Several years back I stopped having a relationship with my brother. Life improved dramatically after I made that decision. Then, about a year ago, he suddenly reached out to me for contact. We didn't discuss the break or assign blame. We simply picked up where we left off. I can tell you his once-shitty attitude changed completely, and he now shows me the r-e-s-p-e-c-t I deserve. Just because someone is "family" doesn't mean you owe them a relationship. Abuse is abuse. You deserve better.

    Finally, friends don't let friends watch Girl With A Dragon Tattoo. That shit is nasty.


  14. When I came out to my parents, 5 years ago, they disowned me, cancelled my school's funding (1 month before graduation) and kicked me out. I lived in my car for a while, and worked my a** off to get my first apartment. from there on I kept woking hard, and built the life I have now, a pretty good one. About two years ago, my family came back around, and even though it has been a slow process, they're getting better every day. Fear is such a powerful enemy, and I learned to forgive my family for it. The fact that I'm teaching them every day makes me very happy. Sometimes we gotta stop taking things personal, and know that maybe they're your family because you are here to teach them about love. I guess my advice to all of us who have had or are still having a difficul time wih family, is to know that you are amazing, and that's why you were chosen to teach the world about love, compassion and understanding by example. Just because they have casted you out, don't cast them out. They're just afraid for you and themselves (even though I understand these fears are falsely rooted). Always smile and give love, even if it's not sent back. One day they'll see that all you did was love them and all they did was hurt you. Even if they don't admit it, they know you're a good person.

    My next advice is to go dancing!! have fun,be happy, live your life without fears, or apologies, love whoever you love openly and show them that you are perfect, just they way you are, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's hard being mean to someone who's nothing but sweet. kill negativity with kindness. and if you just can't get through, then just avoid them for a while. they'll miss you and your always loving attitude and funny jokes at the table, and maybe, just maybe, they'll tell you how much they missed you.

    peace and love to everyone, you're all beautiful in my book.

  15. I'm currently "under the radar" because my mother conveniently forgets that bisexuality exists every time I date a guy, so I don't have to deal with it unless I bring it up. And because I AM dating a guy, and there isn't usually any outright bigotry of the sort I'd speak up against, "bringing it up" means either awkward ex-girlfriend memories or talking about open relationships with my mother (which has happened once, and it was actually MUCH WORSE that the several bisexuality conversations I keep having to have because of her "forgetfulness." I don't even!)

    So anyway we're probably going to be talking about the storm of heteronormativity that is my boyfriend's sister's upcoming wedding. My means of avoiding tooth-grinding consists of periodically reminding myself of the following facts:
    1) the boy is wearing a kilt to said wedding and I, probably, a suit
    2) I'm subtly countering my baby brother's social brainwashing one fact at a time (today's was "actually some people have kids without getting married")
    3) I'm likely to spend a reasonable portion of the week between christmas and new year banging the shit out of a girl. nyer.

  16. I thought this was going to be a post about orgasms. Ah well, merry christmas anyway.

  17. I was disappointed with the sex scene in the Millenium (part 2, I think?) but yes, Naomi is IT.

    Well... then I saw her on the front page of a glossy mag as herself, a cute girl with long brown curly hair, and.... :C


  18. I think I love your christmas posts the most. They make me so happy.

    I, sadly, don't have any comeback, unless refuting arguments counts; if you can show them that their way of thinking is illogical, then, I think you may have done what you could. I am sorry about that fact that you have to have them at all (also, my condoleances about your Grandfather).

    Stay strong, Krista!

  19. I'm getting a sad vibe from you and it tears me up. You shouldn't let these sort of family issues get to you. As mentioned above, what really matters is trying. Wish you luck and Happy holidays.

  20. really needed this today, you have no idea. so thanks. keep fighting the good fight. i hate that phrase bc it shouldn't be a fight, especially with people we love who don't know how to love us as we are...but you know what I mean. thanks for being a voice and saying what so many of us think and experience.

  21. I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. I'm queer (I like everyone. man, woman, trans, and everything in between) and started dating a woman for the first time a year and a half ago. And WOAH. It's insane how people will hate me now, walk on eggshells, stare..... just treat me SO differently.

    Nevermind that the last boy I dated abused the shit out of me-- that was (in the eyes of a lot more people than I would have ever imagined here in CA) way better than a woman who treats me better than anyone has.

    I wish I could give you good advice on how to deal with this. The only thing I have is what you've iterated: We have each other, and the knowledge that getting through that kind of quick thoughtless judgement is something that makes us stronger, more understanding people than they will ever be or understand.

  22. From one raised morman to another, family+being gay FUCKING SUCKS. I'm the youngest in a family of 6 and came out a couple of years ago. They took it ok initially, one told me she "hoped I didn't choose to live like this forever" but that was the worst it got. I was actually pretty happy about their reaction. But now, over a year later, I have come to the realization that they will probably never accept me or my partner (who I've been with for over 2 yrs now). My mom has flat out said she can't see her as my partner, just as a friend. She also said we shouldn't have kids because "we wouldn't raise them right" aka in the church. My favorite is the "you don't really understand the church because if you did, you wouldn't be doing this" or "we're trying, everyone is trying". Well hip fuckin hurray for you. You're trying. Well I'm TRYING to look past the fact that you won't acknowledge a woman I have built my life with as more than just a "friend". Or that you constantly have this judgemental/sad/pity thing going on whenever I talk about my partner or anything related to her. Do I ever say, "Well, I think your beliefs are completely insane but hey, at least I'm trying." No, I don't, because that's what you believe and that's who you are. It just is.

    The worst is the "I love you so much and just want you to be truly happy and I know you can never be with this lifestyle." Ugh. It drives me crazy, the whole pity thing they do. I recently went home and was told I should have my name removed from the records so if I ever choose to come back, aka be straight, my lifestyle now wouldn't be held against me. I think my jaw may have actually gone THROUGH the floor when I heard that. But that's another rant all together. It was then that I told them I didn't believe in the church anymore, even though I still believe in God, because I realized they were never going to let go if I didn't put my foot down and stop the attacks.

    I know this was a ridiculous rant, but I just want you to know you're not alone. I get having an extraordinarily morman family. I get the sadness it brings when people you were so close with you're whole life, can judge you and someone you love so harshly. Just keep goin. I tell myself someday the mormans will love the gays, because you know, the church changes with the times. I mean 40 years ago African Americans weren't allowed to hold the priesthood. So there's still hope :)

    Actual advice: when there is a situation that makes you uncomfortable, just get up and walk away. Don't say anything, just leave. Eventually they'll get it. It works. Trust.

  23. I'm really sorry about your grandfather.

    I haven't come out to my family yet, and all I can think of is to keep my orientation a secret as long as I can, because all my family keeps making nasty remarks about gay people and I'm really starting to feel the weight of the secret. So it was really comforting to read your text and all the comments (it's like one of those get-togethers :), we all have to deal with this, and it might continue to be a struggle but we're strong and have each other and loads of other people that understand.
    I hope you'll be able to enjoy your holiday despite everything.

  24. It's like the u.s takes one step forward two steps back (like prop 8 and your president saying that gay rights shouldn't be a federal issue and stuff), your post made me mad (at intolerant people in suits) and a little sad but also a little happy because your posts always make me laugh (:

  25. This is not exactly the sort of come-back you're looking for, but it made me very happy.

    My extened family celebrates Christmas in early November (my understanding is that it's a relic of someone's bizarre schedule), so "Christmas" is already over this year. After last year's eye-rolling, huffing, and very sneaky but obvious to us snide remarks (from those family members we refer to as the Focus on the Family crowd), my wife and I didn't go this year. It was awesome.

    Avoidance. It comes highly reccommended.

  26. It's true, you know... I always have a cup of tea in hand when I sit down in a comfy chair to read your posts. Even in Tucson. It DOES get cold in the desert!

    I'm excited to learn of this country bar in Phoenix, I will have to make the trip to check it out. I LOVE two stepping. And I really have no other reason to go to Phoenix.

    I also went to my first burlesque show when I was home for my grandfather's funeral. You need some cheer after that... <3

  27. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa. My thoughts are with you.

    This is not only my first holiday out to my family, but the first time I'll be seeing them. I'm scared as hell. They were supportive over the phone when I came out, but who knows how they will react in person. So any advice I'm watching out for it too!

  28. Noomi Rapace is going to be in the Sherlock Holmes movie that comes out tomorrow. So this is me keeping you in the loop.

    Apart from that... I have no idea how I'm going to come out to my family. My dad would be pretty chill. Eventually. He's proud that I'm supposedly an ally, so hopefully that won't change much when he finds out his oldest likes ladies. As for my mom... she doesn't even "worship" Ellen. She can't stand Ellen. And when she found out I liked Ellen as a kid, she wouldn't let me watch because of Ellen's delightful gaymo-ness. So we'll see how my mom takes it.

    As it is, I'm chillin' at the front desk of my campus LGBT center, warm and cozy and watching it drizzle (fo' rizzle). It's hard to make this feel like work when I get to see queers chillin' and being happy as part of my job. Wouldn't change that for anything. :]

  29. sorry to hear about your grandfather krista :(

    the only advice I have to is to stay away. Having been raised in a physically and emotionally abusive family, I can def. relate. The thing is, sometimes good people have bad families and there's not always anything you can do to change it. Sometimes it does change, but not always. I have had off and on contact with my own family for the past five years, as they've been emotionally abusive to me. I chose to get away from my parent that was physically and emotionally abusing me, and they saw that the most evil of evils!

    I can't even begin to imagine what they'd say if they knew I liked girls as well! Apparently I'm already going to hell for committing the unholy sin of supporting myself and trying to be happy. *gasp* oh no! ;p wish i had better advice for you, but staying away and living my own life is the only thing that works for me.

    having reached out to my family again after a year and a half of no contact, I got burned again. even though I knew better, there's always that part of you that hopes for acceptance. sometimes the only thing you can do is stay away.

  30. on the point that we queers are just like everyone else and that they should all see that... well, i still hold that that maybe queers will strive to be different than everyone else in, for example, the USA because capitalism, imperialism, sexism, racism and a bunch of other crap is just fucked up and what so many of 'everyone else' is positively supporting, accepting, and/or blindly allowing to fly by. as a member of multiple marginalized group identities, i have the privilege to see how my identities are used against me and others like to support the injustices of the -isms listed above. i don't want to be like everyone else, especially if that means believing that marriage solves socio-economic problems in this country because let's be real- marriage perks do not solve poverty. if that were the case, married straight people wouldn't be experiencing it. it also doesn't solve habits of imperialism, racism, sexism or the climate changes.

    happy holidays?

  31. Sorry to hear about your granddad, and am sorry to hear that things with the family are hurting.

    No snappy comebacks.... throughout most of my life I didn't speak to my dad, and my relationship with my mother was seriously fucked up - Bipolar who ended up taking her own life. Life was always complicated, my mom was never self dependent and it was just me, her and my baby brother, so things were never easy.

    When I came out to my mom, I was told in no uncertain terms that she would have preferred me to be telling her that I was a prostitute, yet throughout everything that had happened, the countless suicide attempts, her leaving me to raise a young child whilst she "experienced life", the insults when I came out and all the rest of it I loved her dearly and I let it all hit home. Until the day came when I had enough, my heart could not take one more, so it shut. I remember the moment like it was yesterday, and if there is anything I can say it is that anger helps (it was the catalyst that enabled me to say fuck it, you cannot hurt me again). My mom stayed in my life, and met my partner and we visited and she spent holidays with us but absolutely nothing she said or did could hurt me again. She ended up taking her own life a year and half ago, and the sadness I feel is there because of what could have been if only there had been more respect, more acceptance and more selfless love.

    Let yourself be pissed off with them. Give yourself the room to say fuck it, and then "go muthafuckin' dancin'"!!!!!

  32. @ Anonymous (former) Mormon. If you were raised Mormon, why don't you know how to spell Mormon?

  33. I'll do my best.

    I have no doubt that it is frustrating to hear someone you love tell you you've made the wrong decision. It will make you furious, and it will hurt. Because you can imagine a world in which that person accepts you perfectly, understands your choices and loves you unconditionally. And you cannot understand why it has to be otherwise.

    You are angry at this person. And you have every right to be.

    But while you have every right to be angry, I must tell you that it isn't doing you much good. Your anger and hurt may be justified, but it is just making you upset, and that's basically it. Your anger harms only you.

    You cannot change this person, just as you cannot change the weather. Just as you cannot change the revolutions of the earth round the sun. These are simply realities that, for better or worse, exist. You cannot change them, and imagining a world where it is different is, in this case, causing you pain.

    You must accept the way things are. You cannot change the weather, and you cannot change this relative. But you can change how you respond to them. And all you have to do is let them be (an asshole).

  34. Oh family christmas time.. How do you tell a group of catholics (who took the news of "I'm a Buddhist" with much anger)that you want to bring a girl to Christmas dinner? A family that when one uncle found out you were gay called you "Katy Perry" for months.

    Thankfully this year I've successfully avoided that problem by 1) no longer dating the girl I was with and 2) going to Spain instead of Family dinner!
    Situation averted for yet ANOTHER year!

    Best of luck and my condolences to your family.

  35. I sat down with my Coke Cherry Zero and scrolled down to read about how I was drinking and scrolling down and shook my head. I love this post. Thank you. Like everyone who posted before me, we all feel the same way. When we go to stay with Cayla's parents in Milwaukee, they are welcoming and warm and loving BUT last year they introduced me as her roommate. What the f is that? They love me and us, but they dtill don't think we should be able to get married. I don't get it. I finally came out to my 86-year-old grandma over thanksgiving and she was awesome...I take the love and support where it's offered; where it's not, I turn my head around to find the unconditional love and support that is all around me, even though it might not be coming from the place I wish it was. We shouldn't have to explain ourselves or fight for this. It's so fucked up. Thank you for this post and reminding me that we all struggle with this. xo

  36. Well, I've gotten to the point where I realized that, for most members of the queer community, we've made our friends into our family. While it still hurts and totally sucks when our blood families tell us "I love you, but I don't believe in gay marriage: sorry, bud." or "I have to vote for someone who wants you to have no rights ever because Obama scares me," we know that we can turn our found families and find acceptance and deep unconditional love. So sometimes, you say, "hey, I'd rather spend the holiday with my new family." And when the blood family asks you why, you tell 'em. If they don't accept your life, you don't have to accept their ridiculous opinions and beliefs.

  37. I definitely feel you on the acceptance thing. When I came out to my dad (who's a deacon), he told me that the bible says my "choice" is an abomination and he hopes one day I will end up with a man....but that he still loves me because I'm his daughter. I don't quite understand how that qualifies as acceptance because he's just denying that part of me even exists...but hey I guess it's better than him disowning me.

    I just take it for what it is. I know that I can't change what anyone else thinks or feels, so I just do me...because my thoughts and feelings are the only thing I have total and complete control over. If someone thinks my being a lesbian is a choice, I let 'em think it. At the end of the day I am who I am and someone's opinion of me is never going to change that. Like you said, we all just keep getting up and dusting ourselves one else's thoughts or words will ever change that.

  38. I may or may not have squealed aloud in joy when you talked about the cash(lives in Phoenix), and the flock grinning(my friends all make fun of my goofy grin) and the queerit(my phone's gonna save that in the dictionary now) and when my grandma got all up on her bigotry it's a choice train, I remind her that it is a choice, but the options aren't gay and straight, they're play the hand I've been dealt, or go through the hetero motions, over and over, and lie to every personwho tries to love me for who I'm not(I don't think she really got it until my uncle came out to his family of four)

  39. My mother's synopsis of my lesbianism is that I, "Put a fuck before God."

    Wish I could help you in any other way than to tell you I feel your pain.

    Oh, and maybe this quote: If your presence can't add value to my life then your absence won't matter.

  40. @Karen Sabel It's like reliving a bad dream. I just went through the same thing - came-out(for the third time - I guess they finally took it seriously?!?), got disowned, kicked-out, lived in my car, before finding an apartment, got two more jobs, and still had to finish up school to graduate on Saturday. It is hard to explain how much I loved hearing that your family came around. In all the crazy yelling, crying, fear of the last month and a half I've relied on friends (and dancing... and maybe too much drinking)

    Thank god I have friends and a supportive sister to get through the first 'hell' holiday season. It breaks my heart to know I have to cut my mom and step-dad out of my life when it could have been so F'ING simple to just show some love and understanding.

    @Bonjour Juliette I seriously over-idealized my parents - hopefully some day they'll come around...

    I guess my advice is to seek out the few family members that will always be supportive. In talking to my friends, we agreed that it is rare that families present a unified shield of bigotry. Maybe that quiet aunt is actually heartbroken at the current events and wants to reach-out and doesn't know how? Seek out those rad relatives - you can never have too many allies.

  41. Sadly I don't have much in the way of advice for you, my strategy for the holidays is quite simple - try to not make/ not let other people make my mother cry. So snappy comebacks to her family are out. My dads family on the other hand I wouldnt cross the street to piss on (yes this includes my dad) if they were on fire; so on the rare occasions I am forced to brave that hellpit, I prefer to quote the bible back at them. I.e. Judge not lest ye yourself be judged, worry about the plank in your eye before the sliver in mine, etc. I did once tell my grandmother she was only alive because heaven wouldn't have her and hell didn't want her.
    Christmas is complicated, honestly I only participate in the celebrations outside my immediate family ( my girlfriend and our kids) because to not participate would make my mother cry, so I smile and take verbal abuse, and sideways looks all the while imagining creative for everyone to die on the way home. My girlfriend meets me at the door with a shot of jack ( she's not allowed to come) and we spend the evening searching for the batteries that weren't included in the annoying toys people give little boys for Christmas.
    Best of luck though.

  42. Sorry for your loss, chica. Bummer. Condolences.

    Also, I reply snarkyness with snarkyness... But I'm also a seminary student so when someone tries to play the Bible card knowing what the Greek and Hebrew actually mean can be helpful. Here's some fun Bible facts!

    Basically, if you affirm the Biblical belief that being gay is wrong than you affirm women as property and slavery as acceptable. Also, the Bible says nothing about lesbians-- just women doing "unnatural" things, which mean the unnatural part is women having their own sex drives (probably about men)-- how unnatural! And there's nothing in scripture about sexuality being a choice. Oh! And the word homosexual wasn't invented until 1869 and the copy of the Bible we pull translations from is from 375... So, there's nothing at all about a modern understanding of same-sex sex at all in the Bible-- just power-rape dichotomies (master/slave, man/boy, woman/slave, etc).

    And if your family is especially backwards and idiotic like mine, this is helpful:

    Mmmm K. Keep dancin'.

  43. @Anonymous on why I misspelled MormOns...I'm happy all you got out of my post was that I misspelled a word. Glad you felt the need to point that out, since it obviously discredits everything I said.

  44. ah, i didn't bother to read all the comments because they were making me sad. but when i need cheering up, i play devil's advocate, so perhaps this might help. Although it is obvious that rights are not something people should get to vote on, or have opinions about, it has been the way most minorities have achieved rights (voting and discussion). Minorities being anyone who is not a white male (i think we need to come up with a more exact term than minorites). the world is not that nice, it just IS. in any case, my mom is beyond understanding anything about me so i let her be herself and are a part of her life as i can. she asks me things and nags, and i just set boundaries. it's like training a puppy, if people are going to behave badly, deny them of the pleasure of your company, always be consistent, and they'll get the point whether they have good reasoning abilities or not. my dog is excellently trained :) hahaha i'm such an ass.

  45. So you've used my picture a few times and there is a reason I ask for just my first name...I come from a large family, and only 2 people in it know that I'm gay. Although I'm out at college and such, and it's the best community ever, I would never be able to come out to my whole family, for several reasons, until I am that professor. What do I do to solve not being able to tell them? Well, because of other complications (coming out to them was the least of my worries at the time) I live with a family in Austin, Tx. Queer capital of the world to me. (and I'm from Chicago!) and I am just content knowing that they love me, my friends love me, and although one day it will kill the rest of my family to find out, perhaps one day they can love me too. With so much hatred of gays in the world, I firmly believe the best way we can create change, is by loving. Especially the people who think we don't have the right too, or that we somehow choose this path. I didn't choose this path, but I choose to love. :)
    I'm sorry to hear about your loss Krista. I hope you're alright. Glad to hear the movies are cheering you up though!

  46. Well, I'm only bi, and I've married into the hetro side. So, it's hard for me to advise. But let me say this... no mater what the ignorant set tells you, you are fine. And I think you're great. And fuck it, let's go bowling, dude.

  47. as a massive gwtdt fan, i was just meh when they announced rooney mara for the english version, i mean how could she even compare to noomi rapace?? but i have to admit, the makeover looks immense and i might have to go see it just to creep at the "obviously a lesbian but lets make her sleep with a guy because we want this movie to make money and lesbian films don't do that" wonder that is lisbeth salander :)

    i think i'm the only person on here thats family doesn't suck, which is sad :/ i mean my dad's not really great with the homo explosion that is my household since myself and 2 cousins came out within a week of each other, but he isn't a complete toolbag. if family want to spend their time getting all tense and edgy and "god doesn't agree with what you do/who you do" then that's their problem. btdubz, i still don't understand the religious stuff people say. saying sleeping with women is wrong because of reproduction or whatever is like saying every time you have sex without it resulting in a baby is wrong :/ in my personal experience, and while it's nice to have other people empathise and not hate me for something that really has nothing to do with them, it doesn't really matter. all you have to do is shrug it off as ignorance and know that they're wrong. giving them your time and worry kind of feeds into it, and it's ridiculous. on a personal note, my dad always appreciates a little joke about my girlfriend being hotter than my brother's :) if you can laugh about stuff and feel at ease with stuff and not let things get to you, then people may not necessarily have an epiphany or whatever and be like zomg being a homo is awesome, but they usually stop caring about letting you know what's on their mind so much, because they know you don't care. also, i don't like the avoidance idea, because i associate avoidance with feeling bad about something or wanting to hide something, and if we want the people in our lives to start accepting us like being gay isn't an issue, we can't give them reason to think it is.

    also, these blogs are epic :)

  48. I'm a straight man. And when I saw Girl With A Dragon Tattoo and realized the sheer magnitude of her dykonicness and how she was going to be the biggest sapphic wet dream since Gina Gershon, I got all warm & tingly inside. And the number of straight women she'll turn to the other side of the fence makes me feel even warmer and

    Seriously, I'm appalled that you didn't know. I mean, seriously how could you NOT? The minute those movies were released you should have felt a major, tobacco-scented disturbance in the Force. None of us told you because we thought you felt it.

    All in all, though, I do my part to let you guys feel welcome in this world. Love & happiness are in short supply in this world so I ain't gonna be the one to fuck it up for anybody. Ever since I started involving queer folk in my life, it's been richer and better because of it. I definitely agree with you that our culture dehumanizes gay and lesbians and that people need to have them in their lives to re-humanize them in their eyes. So far, you've made tremendous progress in the last 20 years alone and it's past time that people like me got off our asses and lent a hand.

    A person's a person
    no matter how small,
    no matter how tall,
    and no matter on what side of the bed
    they fall.

  49. Well, I'm a married over-60s woman but I have seen and loved those films. To make it up to you, let me introduce you to an Australian singer, Missy Higgens. Missy is openly gay. I hope you enjoy her and forgive me for not telling. Oh, and I love your blog. - SCAR - THE SPECIAL TWO

  50. Obviously no one mentioned The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, because that would be like saying, "hey, have you ever heard of Ani DiFranco"?

  51. I am bi and we don't really discuss it. I can't change them, they can't change me, but sometimes my mom will get this annoyed look on her face and ask me "have you ever really thought about what sex with a women entails? It seems like no fun." My response is ALWAYS. "Actually you should try it, it's better than dick!" Now I'm guessing that wouldn't work on most families, but we always just laugh it off like a joke it's never been a huge deal. Of course my family thinks it's a phase, but I am just happy not discussing it, and I feel blessed that they don't bring it up when I visit!

  52. stop spending holidays with people who aren't supportive. i call my family here and there, i love them, but fuck if i am going to bring my partner around people who refuse to see her. i wouldn't accept that behavior from strangers, why should anyone accept it from family? holidays are for love and family, so i choose to spend mine with chosen family, queer family. :)

  53. Hm well I haven't actually come out to my family yet...heh. In all honesty they would probably deal with it fine, my step family being the Christians who dig other cultures and religions, so why wouldn't they be cool? However, my mother is a mixed bag. Sometimes it's, oh people shouldn't get beat up for their lifestyle! Then others it's, well I don't mind gays but I wouldn't want my children to be gay, I want grandkids! How the heck should I interpret that -.- I am a Tucson kid though, so I have this new fancy bar to look forward driving up to! Thanks for that :D

  54. Haha, I'm definitely going home to Phoenix in a couple days, and those are my exact same thoughts. I hate it except for my mom, my brother, and a few friends, so now hopefully I have this bar to look forward to. And for me my mom is great but I'm just avoiding it with my dad until I'm in a serious relationship...I told him I wasn't going to "act on it" because he was constantly on my back :/

  55. I probably won't offer you any better advice than anyone else. I've been out to everyone but my grandparents for almost 6 years, and it's been fine, mostly because I don't put up with people's shit. But I just started college, and the VERY FIRST TIME I came home and saw my grandparents, my grandpa asked me if I had a boyfriend. It was awkward. I just deflected the question, mostly. I project this (mostly accurate) persona of a strong, independent woman, and that seems to appease most people. But I'm still young. It will only get harder if I don't tell them.
    To be honest, Krista, there aren't any good answers to this question. Everybody's different, and everybody's situation is different. I hope yours isn't too bad though.

  56. When they start to give you shit and ask you when you'll 'get over' the 'gay thing' or whatever condescending phrase they use on you, I would 1) *definitely* retort and 2) maybe say something along the lines of, 'It's been seven years. Seven. Only one of us is going through a phase." Something short, quick and to the point.

    If they're really pushy about this subject maybe you should make this Christmas the one where you shut them all down and have everything awkward for a few hours/days so they won't bring up the topic on future holidays. One bad holiday might pave the way for a better ones.

    Also, sorry they're jerks :( Keep your head up, though!

  57. I'm sorry about your granddad, Krista!

    I don't have really good advice for dealing with crappy family situations over the holidays (or in general!) - nothing I've tried has worked, and my uber conservative Muslim family's still pretty invested in ignoring my queerness.

    My solution? I love my family, and I love being with them, but it's hard to remember that I can't change them.

    What I can do, though, is choose to surround myself with awesome folks (queer and straight) who love and support me. When I'm with my family, I try to remind myself of them.

  58. This post filled me with the queerit.

  59. Thanks for alerting us to the Cash Inn Country... I'd begun to think I'd never be able to leave Denver (hurrah for Charlie's) because I'd never find anywhere else I could two-step with women. How wonderful.

  60. You caught me, I was eating frensh fries for dinner when I started to read this.
    First off, congratulations on discovering Noomi. We swedes are pretty proud of her right now, even as she's being shoved into a corner by the American version. Why did they bother to make an american version and film the entire thing in Sweden? It's not that hard to find subtitles on a DVD.

    Further more, homosexuality and family is always a tender subject. When people call your sexual orientation "the wrong choise", you might reply with "well some people vote republican, and I think that's the wrong choise to? but it's not going to change". It's pretty much a dead end to try to talk somebody out of being gay (why would anybody stop being gay? It's awsome!), so to tell them to just stop tryin or change the subject might help after a while.

  61. America will come around, one person at a time. As exposure increases, so does tolerance. That, and the old people who are close-minded, die. Keep on bloggin... You have a wonderful talent.

  62. My Mum and I have a friend that we made doing charity work. He's 70-something. His wife died recently so we're trying to be super nice to him.
    He said to my Mum on the phone recently "Everyone knows that women are only gay because they haven't met the right man"

    I've known this guy for SIX YEARS - I've been out for 10! And he said this to MY MOTHER?! My rage knows no bounds.

    The heart warming part of this story is the part in which my mother took years to first accept that gay wasn't a phase, and then being a staunch conservative I've always just quietly assumed that none of my rantings about equality and respect had made a dent, but she said to me:

    "I first thought I shouldn't worry about it, but then I thought about all that stuff you're always telling me and I realised it's NOT okay!"

    PEOPLE CAN CHANGE! You message can hit home! Remain hopeful - I have a great relationship with my Mum but I've never loved her or been proud of her so much as in that moment and every moment after when I talk about it.

  63. The problem I'm having this Christmas is all the questions "Where's your girlfriend?" "Why are you dating a guy now?" "Aren't you supposed to be gay?"

    It's shitty, because they've accepted I'm queer to the point of being surprised, offended and upset to find out I'm with a bio man right now.

    (Or the lesbian community that has "shunned" me because I can't choose who I develop feelings for, or the trans community that doesn't support the fact I chose a "bio man" after my "trans-identified girlfriend" and I split up, or the straight community that thinks "I'm faking it" or that "it's a phase and I'll go back to women")

    What I do with who and what's between their legs or ears should have NOTHING to do with anyone but the person I'm dating.

    I'm so sick of this discrimination! I'm not a "traitor" or a "fraud" or a "LUG" or a "BISEXUAL" or a "LESBIAN"

    I'm Sburg. I have feelings and a good head on my shoulders. I have the warm fuzzies for an amazing guy, and he makes me really happy.

    And right now I'm all freaked out because everyone I thought accepted me and didn't care about anything but me being happy in my relationships have reared their ugly biased heads and tossed me aside like last week's pizza.

    Be gay, that's great.
    Be bi, that's great.
    Choose not to identify, that's great.

    But it should only matter TO YOU.


    Krista, I'm so lonely.
    I feel like I lost something.

  64. I'm a straight 61-year-old woman, but my family is so toxic that I can identify completely with all of you gals here. Also, I'm on an "unconventional" spiritual path - for the last TWENTY FIVE YEARS - so I also understand how infuriating it can be to have everyone around you act like you're going through a phase. Yeah... a quarter century phase, that's right.

    Here's what I decided nearly twenty years ago, which was the last Christmas I spent with my family, when they, as usual, treated me like a slave and my place like a bus station: I looked around during one of the meals I made for them (without any help, natch), and thought, "If these people weren't my family, would I be sitting at the dinner table with them? Would I have invited them into my home?" and the answer came back a resounding NO FUCKING WAY. I decided, right then and there, that this would be my last "family" event.

    A few months later, after talking to my insane/obnoxious/dismissive sister on the phone (she called collect, too!), and hanging up the phone with a knot in my stomach that I thought would make me throw up, I said to myself, "If that weren't my sister, would I ever call her or speak to her on the phone again?" And again, the answer came back, NO FUCKING WAY.

    What I realized was that I had established one set of very good, very sane, very life- and soul-affirming rules for the people in my life who weren't physically related to me, which was serving me very well... and then there was my family, who apparently could treat me any damned way they wanted and I was supposed to take that. And smile. And I decided that I'd had enough, that everyone would be subject to the same set of rules: If you're not nice, you won't be invited back. End of discussion.

    So that would be my advice to you, and to all the unhappy/conflicted gals who've posted here so far. Don't take anything from your "family" that you wouldn't take from your friends. I mean... if your "friends" told you they thought being gay was an abomination, how much longer would they be your friends??? About one nanosecond, right? Well, the same holds for your "family." If they're mean to you when you go visit them, then DON'T VISIT THEM. If they give you shit when you talk to them on the phone, DON'T TALK TO THEM ON THE PHONE.

    This isn't about punishing them - you're just removing yourself from people and situations that make you unhappy. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY, and if your "family" doesn't make you happy, then go hang with people who do.

    The year after I made this decision, I had my first Thanksgiving dinner without my blood relations. I invited a friend of mine, a gay man whose family had disowned him, to join me, and it was wonderful. We had a fabulous meal, a magnum of champagne - we pulled out all the stops, and called it our "Thanksgiving For Children of Dysfunctional Families." The next year we had 2 more people join us, the year after that I think we had 8 at the table, and the third year I had to add a card table to the end of my dining room table to fit everybody in. Every year, without fail, everyone who joined us said it was the best Thanksgiving they'd ever had.

    Bottom line: Never never EVER spend time with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Life is too short. Surround yourself with the people who love you and make you feel good about yourself and your life. When I stopped spending time with my family, my life improved immeasurably, and I've never looked back.

    Happy Solstice to everyone.

  65. My partner is not welcome among my family. I told my parents I was gay and they immediately pushed me back into the closet. My partner, literally has no family. So she has to stay home by herself, because I don't have the courage to stand up to my family.

  66. "I used to think that if everyone in America simply knew - simply had regular contact with - just one out gay person in their everyday lives, then "gay rights" would become a laughable concept - quickly filed under "everybody rights."

    THIS MADE ME DECIDE TO COME OUT TO ONE MORE PERSON. I know it's not that awesome, it's just one more person (I'm fully out to 6, I've hinted to more people), but it's something.

    (As a WOC amongst high-schoolers who can't see outside their narrow little worlds, I'm gonna wait a little bit before I come out fully, but... BABY STEPS)

  67. On a somewhat related note, any homos out there in San Antonio or Austin have recommendations of good places to hang out? I'm going home to SA for Xmas and NYE. My sisters know about me, but we're keeping it on the downlow. My family loves me no matter what blah blah blah but the "coming out" event will be a blow-up I have to steel myself for... I'm going to need some stiff drinks in a friendly hideout during my gauntlet.

  68. I found Girl with the Dragon Tattoo pretty infuriating. Maybe I expected too much (although I never read the books). Noomi's character was a punching-bag. She gets the shit beat of her by random men for no apparent reason, then seems initially to prefer women (and so would I if I went through that much abuse in an hour and a half of movie), but then is compelled to fuck the hero-dude with whom all the CIS-males in the viewing audience identify with to make them feel okay about their wee-wees again after all the ugliness. I was not impressed. Even her revenge tattoo scene seemed like a pretty thinly veiled S&M dude fantasy. Fuck that.

  69. Simone, read the books.

  70. @Sburg...

    I am so there! I confuse people all. the. time. with my sexuality. As a femme who has dated a few trans men, I get hit on by men who think I'm straight, and my straight friends ask things like "so, you don't really have sex, do you?"

    Recently I've been dating women more but my dating history apparently made me not "gay enough" for the last one I tried to date...

    And then most recently... I haven't been with a bio guy in years, but I am flirting with the idea of dating one now... which I don't really know how to deal with. I've always identified as queer- not lesbian, not bisexual. Cheers to you for walking your own path amidst all the judgment. You got this.

  71. I'm not out to most of my family so coping involves complaining to my queer friends and my sister (who completely doesn't get why being asked if I have a boyfriend is an incredibly awkward question which makes me feel bad; and sometimes relatives notice my awkwardness and continue the conversation just to tease me).

    I am currently traveling with my family in Europe and the closest I had got to queers in three weeks is playing spot the dyke on the streets. And then last night in the pizzeria we ate dinner on, I spied a little poster on the wall "GLBT"!!! And there was a rainbow! I couldn't read what, when and where, jbut Seeing it felt so encouraging. It made me feel that the Italian girls with the really cute edgy haircuts weren't ALL straight and reminded me of the promise I had extorted from my sister to go with me to a gay bar in London, which I am convinceD will be awesome.

  72. I went to my first gay club last night! And it was fantastic (even though it was mainly full of gay boys and straight girls, but I met a cute gay girl so success!). It was so amazing seeing everyone altogether and everyone's so accepting! And I remember you writing about that weird leg dancing lesbians do. I thought you were exaggerating, clearly you weren't :P

  73. I'm not looking forward to Christmas with the family. My sister knows that I'm gay and has been amazingly supportive, but no one else knows. Mostly because I'm too chicken to tell them. My mom is particular is a hardcore Southern Baptist who likes to wear tshirts that link horrible things like wars and earthquakes to "gay demanding rights." (Yes, that's an actual quote from an actual shirt she wears.) She has also outright told me that she would love me no matter long as I don't "rebel against God" by leaving the Christian faith. That's unforgivable. And since no true Christian would "succumb to their lusts" and have the audacity to like women instead of men...

    My grandmother keeps trying to set me up with random guys, up to and including the waiters at restaurants, because obviously I must be completely miserable without a man in my life. And of course I get lots of "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" and "You're 23, shouldn't you be thinking about settling down with someone?" from everyone. Honestly, I should probably just tell them and deal with the fallout, but I can't quite bring myself to do something that will almost certainly result in my parents disowning me. Besides, it would make things really awkward for my sister, since she would be caught between her desire for me to be happy and the rest of the family's anger at my "choice." So for now I just bite my tongue and try to change the subject whenever possible.

  74. During this time of the year, I make my journey home with every intention of willing my carizma to eclipse my family's bigotry. I pack my mens pants, little-boy striped polos, and boxer breifs. I construct my support plan for when my family's cutting comments get to me.
    My queers are on call. . . They are also at the homes they grew up in, tip-toeing around conversations with their mothers about their latest hair cuts and why they wear three sports bras at once. In the five years since I've been out to my family, I've spent christmas eve afternoons, covered in eggs and flour, pacing my driveway on the phone with my homos, laughing at things that hurt.
    However, even with the support I am lucky enough to have, by the end of the holiday vacation, I find myself wearing the gap girl-jeans and fitted shirts my mom gave to me for christmas. Rather than hashing it out when my family says something that stings or erases me, I let their words wash over my body and sink in.
    After the vacation, as I drive back to the home and family that I have chosen and created, I begin to re-build myself once again. With the new year, I quiz myself to see what I can do better, how to be stronger, more confident in who I am so that my family can better understand that I. am. happy. I tell myself that if I was a parent, that is all I would want for my child--genuine happiness. And I work on, instead of feeling hurt by the folks that raised me, trying to wish the simple happiness that I have for them. On that drive, I am smaller than I was when I packed my bags. But now I know what to expect. It sucks. But at least I have a plan for how to deal with it.

  75. Love the post. Sorry for the loss in the family.

    Coping with family is tough and the holidays bring it all to the surface- they bring everyone together. My coping technique: alcohol.

    I got lucky with a rad mom but my sis doesn't acknowledge my love of the same sex. She's never initiated a conversation around it and seems to like avoiding the topic.

    Next coping technique: mindfulness, compassion, and forgiveness. Goes well with the alcohol.


  76. Those books and movies are my fave!!!!!!! The swedish movies rock! One of the things I loved about the movies (other than Noomi and the amazing story,and epic music and effects) was that the characters were so genuine and so not hollywood, they could have been your neighbours.
    Noomi Repace is in the Sherlock Holmes movie too. I'mma rent that tonight.


    I know what I'm buying with my xmas money!!!!!! WOOOOOOOT!!!!

  78. You know, I've heard people say gay marriages are wrong because nobody gets pregnant/ children can't be born out of a gay marriage without a surrogate or adoption. Isn't it funny that people who say that are actually the same people who are uber-religious and have like eight bajillion kids. I feel like they're trying to prove their fertility and right-ness to the gay community or something.

  79. A male relative once asked me what I thought was so great about licking pussy. I asked him if he'd tried sucking dick He said no that was gross. I told him I totally agreed and asked if he'd eaten pussy. He got a shit eating grin and I said, "There ya go."

    On a sadder note, I'm sorry your grandfather died. I just lost my dad last month, a week before Thanksgiving. If you wanna talk or something my e-mail is

  80. Yeah, thankfully I have the most amazing, open-minded, completely-ahead-of-her-time, not-to-mention-ridiculously-smart mother in the history of the universe. I knew it wasn't going to be an issue to tell her I had a crush on a girl; she knew it would be an issue to tell the rest of the family, or at least some of them. Telling my dad was super awkward, but he was actually really cool about it. So if you're not out can go better than expected :)

    Anyway, when I came out to my mom, she talked a lot about privacy. You don't have a responsibility to make your sexuality known to anyone, even your family. When I visited some other relatives for Thanksgiving, I took the LGBT buttons off of my made me sad, and if I ever have a girlfriend I will TOTALLY ask to bring her to dinner and deal with whatever shit might happen, but I didn't need to stir up said shit at that point in time.

    Like, unless someone is interested in dating they really need to know who you like to date? Nope.

    I mean, I personally love the idea of being totally out, because the more out people there are, the easier it gets for all of us. That doesn't mean I have to be out to everyone all at once or bring it up all the time, though. It's not "hiding yourself," it's choosing when and where you want to fight your battles.

    So this Christmas, I could mention that I finally went on a date with a girl (!) at Christmas dinner, or I could tell my parents and then my grandmother (privately) since I know some of her good friends are gay...

  81. My holiday coping mechanism? I'm heading to Canada. Last year it was France. I've told my mother directly that she has lost the privilege of my presence at the table.

    And I swear to god, if that woman criticizes my haircut one more time, I'm going to tell her she'd look better if she pierced her nipples. Because my god, if we're giving out invasive style advise I bloody well want my turn.

  82. I spend my christmas with my little sister, elders sister and her husband and kids and my mother. My mom is a total hippy and I am pretty sure shes loved women before so shes very accepting my little sister used to be freaked out by it and a lil homphobe but i changed that lol and my older sister.... doesnt care... however my brother in law is a pain in the butt and i usually ignore his snide comments on my religion and sexuality
    oh I live in a tiny town so queermo friends rock hmu at Jessica M Bartley from Sandpoint idaho on facebook yall.

  83. I'm not gay and my situation is a bit different, but how do I feel you.My mother has been at war with me for two years now for simply studying abroad AND having a boyfriend at the same time.She thinks he's taking me away from her,although i would've probably ended our contacts much earlier if he hadn't tried over and over to help normalize my family sitation. As cruel and direct as it sounds: I don't know the details of your situation, but sometimes it's better for everyone to let go. Or try a therapy. Best wishes and merry Christmas to you and CJ, and thanks for the awesome blog!

  84. Fabulous post! Love your blog :D

  85. I'm such a maroon--sorry for your loss. Blessings to you and your family.

  86. It's funny how the holidays bring these things up and out - like a pressure cooker. I came out as queer to my mom, dad, and younger sister at various times a couple of years ago but it was while I was in a serious relationship with a straight man, so it was giggled about and glossed over. I'm dating another man, but also now have my first girlfriend this holiday season. I'm finding that I have to readdress this, as if they had forgotten or just chose not to believe me. They've been cool about it, but mostly confused or dismissive and seem to frame her as my 'friend' and him as my 'partner.' Ugggggh.

    Also, with my family so far away, I'm spending Christmas with hers. This will be our first out event regarding family so I'm girding myself for the unexpected, especially since I will not be in the role to directly address any confusion or bigotry, being the outsider. That's her role but she's shy and non-confrontational. I've been simultaneously preparing myself for the roughest two days and telling myself that everything will be breezy.

    I'm working on my patient, focused smile and my supportive hand holding.

  87. i'm sorry about your family. but you are wonderful. you are fine. and you do not have to give them the right to determine the worth of your life and your love and your experiences, not even for a second.

    we are all in this together. and even if things in the wider world never change -- which they will, slowly, as they already are -- we always have our fellow queers. we are not alone.

  88. "I prefer to think of him as her beard,"

    AWESOME Anonymous.. Just plain awesome.

    Snappy comments for the holidays. See, I'm vegan/raw foodie, too, so those choices seem to set some people off. All I can think to say is that there will always be nay-sayers and some short-sighted dill-weeds who enjoy their own ignorance.

    YOU have the ability to change your reaction to them, to choose how it is you feel about their mis-education and how you feel about you. Remember, you have no idea where it is they came from; it doesn't change what they say or do, or how misguided it is. You cannot let them take your pride away. That is why we keep getting back up again in peaceful protest. In solidarity baby!

    Your blog is an inspiration, and the support you have from everyone including myself is (I hope) why you keep getting back in the ring. One of many reasons.

    Keep it up, you fucking rock.


  89. that was a really lovely post :)

    the way i cope is by just having a list of topics that I won't raise - mental health, queer politics, university..

  90. oooh my god...your post is so.....(xaht's the word in english again...)ok...I'm sooo moved, I have a lump in my throat....i think i'm gonna cry....thank you for such a beautiful and important post...
    and My girl and co had the exact same idea !!! this year let's go to america and find the lesbian places !!! we even thought to go directly to the bible belt and beat the odds....
    I actually had the same night of endless wonders in a bar in Tokyo last summer ! that's a thing I looove to do, go to another town in France or otherwise and see the queers there. This bar in Tokyo, Azudezakura was th ename...I just watched these women talking, kissing, smiling, laughing for hours and all I could think was: that is how I want to spend the rest of my life ! gazing to these human beings, loving each other despite everything else !
    so I spoke to much now
    form the bottom of my heart, merci and keep up the good work !!!

  91. Love this post. So sorry about your gramps :(

    I don't have any snappy comebacks for when family members spew hatred over the holiday season. Usually I just ignore the remark and say something like "so, how's your job/kids?" Their hatred can eat them up from the inside out, I refuse to hate them back.

  92. I love you and I love this post. <3 thanks for the realness, and no it wasn't cheesy. I get those feelings in queer spaces too :)

  93. Okay, lately I've been super worried about going home with my girlfriend with whom I live for the holidays to visit our families because my mother is nuts. But this made me cry my eyes out because it's so true. And it gives me the strength I need to go home and try -yet again- to tell my mother that my relationship is not a phase and that I just really love women.So thanks. I really needed this post.

  94. I'm new to this site and it's the first post I have read. I'm actually straight and have a husband and daughter.

    But I will be your family. All of you. Being true to yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself and the people that truly love you. No one has the right to ask anymore of you.

  95. my parents are that awkward kind of we-love-you-no-matter-what-but-we'd-prefer-you-didn't-like-eating-pussy-so-much-and-we-don't-see-what's-wrong-with-that homophobic. I'm out to them, they are vaguely ok with it but not really. I've tried to talk about it with them but it's really stressful and accomplishes nothing even after repeated attempts. My extended family don't know at all. I'm not at all close with anyone in my family so I don't have the energy to take things any further. I just don't talk about it with them anymore. This is the first Christmas I'm spending away from my family, I've just moved overseas so I'm having a quiet Christmas with just my partner but I remember last Christmas, at home with family, felt like it wasn't really for me to enjoy, I felt like I had to be fake (not only about my sexuality, but general demeanor and etc) and as soon as everyone left I felt relieved.

  96. I'd say that true family is the one that you choose. As queers, we learn that who screwed who isn't everything and that we shouldn't get so focused on that. So my family is truly supportive. My family is of queers

  97. Hugs and kisses and glitter unicorns to everyone here.

    Companionship is important. Solidarity is important. Knowing, for sure, that you're not alone in this awkward world is important. It's why I'm giddy that I've found another dyke at work to share a silent groan when someone makes an off-hand homophobic remark, or laugh at the silly people who think they're the "real men" we need.

    It's good to read this post, and good to read the comments, if only as a reminder that we queers are a bunch of kick-ass, loving, tough people.

    @Anonymous: "In the five years since I've been out to my family, I've spent christmas eve afternoons, covered in eggs and flour, pacing my driveway on the phone with my homos, laughing at things that hurt." This is beautiful.

  98. It's my second holiday after I divorced my husband of nine years and my first one out as whatever-I-am (my favorite answer to "are you GAY now?" is "well, gay ENOUGH!"). It's the first holiday I've spent with a wonderful woman I hope to have many more with. I have a lot of love in my life, a supportive immediate family, a good job, and I am truly grateful for it all.

    I admit, though, reading through people's holiday stories I caught myself thinking, like I bet some other folks did, "man, this whole thing [meaning coming out] could have gone a lot worse for me." And it could have.

    But what's that mean? Isn't there something inherently fucked up about thinking, "gosh, I feel so lucky I haven't been ostracized/fired/beaten/disowned for being gay?" I think there is--at least, if it isn't accompanied by a healthy level of anger. We SHOULD get pissed off when we start to feel "grateful" THAT NO ONE FUCKED WITH OUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS TODAY.

    So thanks for your comments, folks, and I wish you happy holidays, plus the gift of that good kind of anger that gets us off our asses to do something righteous. All my love.

  99. You were in my state and I missed it!? Wow, I feel horrid now.
    Luckily as a Jew, I have until spring to worry about family. And even then, Passover isn't exactly a "Bring your lover" sort of event. The worst I'll get is from my brothers who still haven't quite figured out that bisexuality does exist. My mother just doesn't comment on it, and my grandparents are gloriously clueless. I guess after my aunt came out they just stopped caring because they love her wife.

  100. honestly, i just tell people to go fuck themselves and i just say "yea, at this point, i choose it!" you just have to keep your head up. last christmas, my ex's parents and my ex and i were all at the table talking about queer theory, and her dad turned to me and said, "well i don't really know why we're talking about this. theory is theory, not practice. not only that, why should i take anything you say seriously, it's because of gays that AIDS was such a problem." i nearly punched him. it was horrendous. you just have to keep your head up and remember who you are and what you stand for.

  101. no snappy comebacks... i'm skipping the tortuous family thing and going to the movies to see Dragon Tattoo though i cant imagine anyone being lisbeth but rapace
    i am waiting to see how much they screw up the character, as i can see already they are f-ing up the characters bisexuality

  102. I have a bottle of Cruzan 151 and a drum set.
    That is all I need to deal with family.

  103. I don't get the 'gay is a choice' logic. Being gay is part of me and I wouldn't trade it for being straight even if it were a choice. However, there's a lot of hardship that comes along with being gay. So much hardship, in fact, that some gay people never get past it, and consequently resort to drastic measures to deal with what they perceive to be a personal and irreconcilable 'problem.' Why would we choose to be ostracized, marginalized, ignored, disowned by our families? Why would we continue to stand up in the face of all of this hardship if it weren't out of necessity? If it weren't worth the fight at some fundamental level?
    The choice is not whether or not to be gay (clearly). The choice is whether or not to suppress a fundamental part of who you are. No one deserves to have to make that choice, or to EVER feel pressured to do so.

  104. I finally just snapped at my folks that if they thought I made the wrong "choice" being gay, fine, but I would never apologize for my girlfriend, because she was the best choice I'd ever made. This worked surprisingly well.

  105. Oh. I wish I hd snappy comebacks. I'm facing my first slightly uncomfortable holiday situation since coming out. My step brother and his wife / young children are here, and I am fiding myself avoidoing talking aobut anything "the gay" because I'm just tired and don't want to deal with it. Then I feel like some sort of coward or bad gay.

    Case in point. The 4 year old girl as was flipping through a copy of Vogue pretending to read it (how much more awesome would this story be if it was a 4 year old boy, right?) Anyway she gets to some ad with two women in wedding attire and goes, "that's two women. Two women can't get married. That's funny."

    I bit my tongue because I didn't want to cause friction with her parents, but maaaaaan.....

  106. I find eggnog to be my greatest coping mechanism over the holidays. Too bad my mom decided to have a dry holiday this year. Things may come to blows with my brother in law...

  107. I've been out for less than a year, but my family has taken it really well (with the exception of my dad still calling my girlfriend my "friend"). Hell, my mom even bought her a gift for the holidays. I've been lucky within my immediate family, that's for sure.

    Still, my mom is overly cautious about her coming around to family events that go outside my immediate family. My grandmother gave the OK but I was told by my mom that they are still getting used to the idea of it and that I should refrain from bringing my girlfriend to bigger family events. So that sucks, but I don't care because my girlfriend is a huge part of my life and I want her there with me. They need to know that this isn't an idea - it's real and it's me and if they don't accept it then,'s their loss because it's not some "thing" that is going to go away.

  108. Thank you, Krista. I needed this and didn't even know it was what I needed. I sit here surrounded by family who would never have let me in the door if they knew that I love girls and boys, and your enthusiasm and support is just what I needed.

  109. I love this whole blog, i love it i love it. i just often have a hard time understanding it, because I am young... In fact 15 :/ I love all them girls, and this helps me to find them, but not in age under 20! Im always the one that is watching from the outside cause I cant do anything... I am actually pretty desperate :) But your blog makes me at least happy

  110. Speaking of the incredibly talented (and delicious) Noomi Rapace, this:
    is a wonderful picture of her I found here:
    Isn't she gorgeous? O.o

  111. HEY EVERYONE. Noomi is in the new sherlock(:
    Ifff you didnt already know.

  112. First off, got to experience your beloved Noomi for the first time in Sherlock because I've been a sheltered little queer that hasn't seen the Swedish Girl with the Dragon Tattoo films. Trying to counter how much I feel like I've missed out on life with how hot of a gypsy she made.

    And, sorry, no snappy comebacks. I'm a queer lady that's kind of in love with everyone (I like women/men/transgender/bigender/beautiful people in general). I came out to my mom a while back and my boyfriend a long time before that. Both Mom and boyfriend were supportive (although Mom was confused as to how you could be something other than straight or gay), but I have not yet told my dad. Back at college, I had prepared snappy comebacks, my coming out speech, everything. I had this shit dooown. And then I come home, and I see that my dad's alcoholism has gotten worse. My parents' marriage of 20 years is fraying at the seams, and honestly, I don't know if I could or should come out to him anymore. I thought my biggest hurdle was going to be his extreme conservatism, but I think beer outranks even that now.

    But heeey. If I do come out, I'll be the first (out) queer lady in my big, Baptist family.

    Also, no gay bars in my area, or at least none that I know of. But when I get back to campus, I'mma tear that shit up and muthafuckin' daaance.

  113. Damn, reading this was almost enough to make me cry.

    I've been living this fantastic gay life in Vegas for a few years now. I came home to Texas for the first time in a year this past weekend. I cut my hair and look very very gay now. My immediate family wasn't too harsh about it, but I was driven from the airport directly to rural Oklahoma for a reunion with the white, souther baptist, conservative republican side of the family that I hadn't seen in a few years. These were cousins my age and older relatives that I was really close with growing up, we're a very large but very tight knit family. About half of them grinned wildly at my mohawk and had this sort of unspoken excitement about this kind of awesome change that has happened now that I look more the way that I feel. The other half of them were kind of uneasy around me, distant, cold, and it was a total shock. People that I've loved and been close to my whole life treating me like someone that they thought they might have met but couldn't really recognize. It was a very strange experience, but luckily we were only there for a day.

    We came back to Dallas a few days ago, and yesterday a friend and I took a random road trip to Austin to check out some bands that we'd never heard of before but looked alright on youtube. Everyone there was so warm and friendly, had my day made by this awesome queer-seeming lady in Ozone bikes. We saw Ghosts Along the Brazos (yeah, shameless shout out), who were amazing and then hit up Oil Can Harry's, standard Austin gay bar on the advice that it was dyke night. It was a fabulous party for on a Tuesday night, everyone that was in there seemed to rejoicing almost. Laughing and talking and loving being around one another. Totally family. Met some wonderful gays who tried to get us to go to what was supposed to be an even better party at a dyke bar a few miles away, but it was getting close to the time for the second band we were going to see on South Congress to play, so we headed down there instead. Again the band was phenomenal, and there happened to be exactly one obviously gay girl, a very very cute cocktail waitress who tried to give me her number. It was all so incredibly spirit-lifting after the weekend. Thank god for family.

  114. I'm so sorry about your grandpa :( Stay strong!

    I just watched the new Girl With The Dragon Tattoo last night and it was mind blowing. Rooney Mara is super hot in it. Now I must watch the Swede version!

    (By the way, I've been dying to read the books forever, but haven't had time and I was literally forced to watch the movie first :/ so I'll only watch the one Swede movie..I hope she's as hot in the books!)

  115. I think we make our own family.
    I'd rather makeup my own holiday celebration with friends who love care and accept me.
    When family is angry about it I just tell them you dont accept me for who i am but they do, they're more of a family to me than my own.
    why should i put myself through that?

  116. First of all, condolences to you about your grandpa. Stay strong!

    Well, Im asian who lives in a country where homosexuality is against the law, so it makes it whole lot more difficult to be a lesbian, way worse for gay men. I have been out to my parents for almost 5 yrs now, we have had HUGE arguments then, but we ignore it now. My parents just discards the fact that their only daughter is a lesbian and they prefer to live in ignorance. During those nasty arguments that we had, we came to an agreement where:
    1. My parents will not force me to be straight/normal.
    2. And I wont force my parents to accept me for being gay.
    3. I wont bring my gf home but my parents cant force me to come home either(so I stay at my gf's place)

    After this agreement has taken place, we never ever talked about my sexuality ever again. So this issue has been swept under the carpet.

    Ironically, my parents used to claim that they are very open minded. Problem with asian families are (I am not saying all asians are the same, but most are, from my experience), many people say they are open minded, and they are able to accept homosexuality, if it happens to friends, colleagues, children of friends or family, but once it happens to their OWN children, they out right reject it. No way in hell will they be able to accept it. "Its OK if it happens to other people's kids, but its NOT OK if it happens to mine". It was pretty sad when they blamed themselves for me being gay. They used to say "What have we done wrong, why do we have to "pay" by having a lesbian daughter?"

    Anyways, as for ways to deal with family gatherings/occasions, I usually just try to avoid them. (None of my other relatives knows about me being a lesbian, as my parents would not be able to bare the "shame" of it).

    Chinese New Year is the worse time for me every year, as we will need to visit relatives, etc. Every year it is the same topic: Do I have a boyfriend? When will I get married? etc. It's terrible, so I end up with more and more excuses for not being there. For the past few years, I only attend the family reunion dinner, and skip the rest of it. So i guess my suggestion would be to avoid as much as possible any sort of family gatherings.

    All the best & happy new year!

  117. When I finally got the courage to tell my mother, she told me it was an "identity crisis."

    Thanks for posting this.

    "Just dance...gonna be okay." -Gaga

  118. I love the shit out of you, Krissy Rae.

  119. I know the Cash - I'm from Phoenix! I can see how it may seem like a neat little gay hangout your first time there ...BUT as a lesbigay here in the state of perpetual sunshine, I avidly avoid the Cash on principle alone. It is the scene of unending 'dyke drama' and I can guarantee you, if you went back there tonight, you would see the exact same people you saw the first time around! Yes, our club situation is dismal, but I suppose it's better than nothing!

  120. I'm sorry about your grandfather passing. Here I have a tale for you:

    My extended family has no idea about me being bi but one aunt went all bully-shitty right at my grandpa's funeral (in front of the coffin, where people is expected to behave) and said "well, your father didn't mention you are fatter".
    I was a-ma-zed. Just as I was getting into haduken mode to punch her nose off fatality-style, my mom said "and you are more stupid every second, as we can see".

    Mom took the matter on her hands and decided not to go home ever again on Christmas because "that cow only wants me to go because I bring the turkey. Let's see what she feasts on without it. She dared to mess with my daughter!!"

    I love mom, the woman that says homophobics are "shitheads" and calls people that don't support their children thru the worse of life "worse than dogs".

    I'm lucky :)

    Lots of though love from Mexico, Krista!

  121. I love you Krista. I almost teared up and will def give you a long hug next time I see you... minus the hair sniffing. You just captured what I know so many people go through. Mwah and I avoid my family at the holidays. They're so difficult! It doesn't solve everything but it helps to diffuse and I like taking a year off for holidays with my other loved ones.

    Also: [Oh look, it's Mitt Romney. Hey girl hey] made me LOL. I'm sorry we failed you on the hot Swede info! Never again! Happy belated holidays and kiss that bun-bun from me!

  122. I moved from Phx to Seattle and, omg, how I miss The Cash. Even if there's drama, even if it's the same-same people every time, I miss it so much.

    Also, everyone knows how to dance because they give weekly dance lessons. Also also, if you go early, beers are (were) $1, with a $10 minimum. Don't wanna get that drunk? Buy those two other youngins in the corner some beers. You know, the two leaning against the rail across the dance floor, waiting for the place to fill up with eye candy beyond the barback and Kat, one of the bartenders. Huminah.

    Also also also, I'm so sorry for your loss, Krista. : (

  123. I MISS YOU.
    Get up again and write another post like the true queer you are!

  124. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather passing and trouble with your family. I always try to remember that the people who are against queers are usually either

    A.) Jealous they can't be queer themselves and post creepy craiglist adds about wanting 3somes.

    B.)Ignorant hateful idiots (sometimes also mixed with A as well).

    C.) Used to convention and worried about your happiness by following an unconventional path in life. They don't genuinely want to hurt you, but they lack the knowledge to know how to live life any other way than what they have been shown to be normal.

    Here's a picture of lady hips to make you feel better:

  125. dude smoke lots of weed.
    really though. great coping.

  126. I'm sorry for your loss... I never know what to say with things like these.

    What I can say though, is that I completely understand your frustration with your family. My family is Mexican and our culture is soooo close-minded when it comes to homosexuality. I had the roughest time when I first came out. I got bombarded with phone calls with my mother and all she would do is cry on the phone without saying a word. Not only was that draining, it made me sad, it made me feel like something was wrong with me, and it dropped my grades drastically.

    Now, though things aren't nearly as bad.. we still have an unspoken "don't ask, don't tell" type environment at home. It makes for a really awkward time sometimes and though I love my family, it's really hard for me to put aside that they don't love me exactly the way I am. Acceptance is not the same thing as approval.

    I saw a movie this weekend, Pariah, and it's amazing. I think you should go watch it... it's kind of liberating, at least for me it was. I'm not good at summarizing movies, because i usually end up spoiling the movie... but it's definitely worth checking out.

  127. Firstly, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My condolences to you and your family.

    Secondly, I feel your pain re: homophobic people from your past. I really do. Now, how one handles this is highly individualistic. Personally, I haven't had a good relationship with my mother since I was 12 years old and it has only continued to deteriorate since. I am leaving with my lovely lady in 2 months, and couldn't be happier. I am a firm believer that distance is the only way to handle such situations, and this time that distance will be to the tune of 3,000 miles.

    I realize that you have put that distance between yourself and your past, and it wasn't easy, but...I have to ask. Why keep beating yourself over the head and in the heart,even occasionally, with the antics of people who will never approve? They simply won't change, and it's torment that you don't need. I know cutting lifelong family and friends off is difficult. I do. For real. But...remember this: We cannot choose the family and environment we are born into, but we CAN choose our adult associations. That might be something you want to think about before you subject yourself to this ignorance again.

  128. They say coming out is the hardest part, and yes that is hard, effing hard. But what "they" don't tell you is how hard it is staying out. Someone once asked me when did I come out, and all I can say is that I'm constantly coming out, eveyday day I have to correct someone about my partner or any assumptions they make about me.

    I've only been offically out 3 years and currently am compromising with my family. After not speaking to me for over a year, we're building bridges and my girlfriend was allowed to stay after xmas (seperate beds of course, I'm 25, my girlfriend is 31). It was all going well until extended family made a suprise visit, and i had to do the hardest thing I have ever done and ask my girlfriend to stay upstairs all day so they didn't see her a the request of my mother, which she unhappily did for me. I did it for my mom, but I also told her that was the last time, and she's going to have to deal with it, or lose a daughter.
    I guess apart from dance the stress away, just sticking up for yourself constantly is the only way, I'm just hoping it either gets easier or I get thicker skin.

  129. Heyyy! I love this blog -- it helped me so much with my coming out process, and now I forward it along to other newly-out lesbians in need of some humor (particularly the plaid post). An older friend of mine, also recently out, founded this amazing movement called GSAPS.

    "GSAPS stands for Gay and Straight Americans for Political Secularism. We intend to protest religious involvement in politics against equality for gay, lesbian, and bisexual Americans in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City on June 3, 2012."

    I know you don't link-swap, but I can't understand how posting this would hurt anyone (it could even be in teeny tiny print, man!). Please, help spread the word. Thank you thank you thank you if you even take the time to read this.

  130. And PS: my condolences, man. For real.

  131. Rip effing dykes...

  132. its been almost a month!!! :( what's up? i hope all is okay in your family/life. i miss the once a week posts. :(

  133. "Anonymous Jan 10, 2012 10:47 PM

    Rip effing dykes..."

    I fear you are right. Fewer and fewer posts each month. Maybe we will get a few this year. And they might actually be about gaydar (maybe not).

    So, you can put up a banner asking us to nominate you for an award, but can't write a post? Even a post soliciting nominations would be something.

    1. This was an important post. Why you gotta be like that?

    2. I was only pointing out that, IMO, it seems ridiculous--even arrogant--to solicit votes for blog awards when you update your blog 1 to 2 times a month.

      I used to check in almost every day hoping for a new post, but now it just seems like a waste of my time. I guess none of the other readers would like to see more frequents posts, or they would say something as well.

    3. Yeah, Im the same actually, I check in every single day and it always upsets me a little that there never seems to be a new post but Krista has a life ya know. And a job. She's gotta be busy. Im sure she loves this blog just as much as we do. Probably more. Just be patient girl, she'll write in her own time, k? x

  134. Oh my gosh, I love that you went to Cash! There are really only two lesbian bars in Phoenix. Be glad you went there instead of Girl Bar :)

  135. From one Krista to anotherJanuary 19, 2012 at 3:25 AM

    Thank you for this. It means a lot. Thank you so much <3

  136. Ha my mum tells me how deeply ashamed she is of me and doesn't want anyone to know...sadly this is since she found religion as she used to have a lesbian business partner and growing up we spent heaps of time with her. I struggle with the nasty things she says though she is outwardly polite to myself and my partner. Apparently we make her "sick". It has taken a long time but now I tell myself that I only need to do what I think is right and try to ignore her tirades. Great to discover your writing - you crack me up!

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  139. I know it´s probably too late to be writing on this post. My family was surprisingly ok when I came out, but still I have some advice for the handling of emotions and not getting way too hurt, for being able to stand up again and face the world with a smile. So I belive we all (humans) have sort of a very pleasant and complex "inner world", and sometimes when peope say rough hutring things about what you like or who you are (I feel) the "inner world" can get a little bit shaky and sometimes when that happens you can forget a little bit about the beautiful things in your "inner world" that make you happy (=feeling miserable) so Ive figured out that if I keep with me something (an object, idea, picture, sort of a material or non-material "lucky charm" that I can recur to and that I consider effective, quick... ) that reminds me of my "inner world" and what makes me happy and how good and awesome life is. Maybe this sounds confusing or stupid, but I´m just sharing my tools, and I´m still a child (and hope to keep with me that child perpective thing for a long time). :)

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