Thursday, October 13, 2011

Shake That

[thanks! drawingpicturesforyou]

Hola, velvet tunnelers!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
[thanks Dylan]

I know, I know.  

Questions like that are a cheap way of getting to know someone. 

Questions like that come printed in brochures called "Connecting With Your Teen." 

But seriously.  

Assuming we all love ourselves unconditionally and we were only just tweaking something - what would be the one thing you changed about yourself?

Because I would change myself into someone who can dance. 

[via robotsnhearts]

I'm not kidding.  

I wouldn't change how much money I make. 

I wouldn't change my tendency to stammer at really key moments, such as when you meet Alison Bechdel one-on-one and have 30 seconds of her undivided attention and you only manage, "I- I- I....I just love you. You have amazing hands." 


I wouldn't eliminate the almost-unreal cowlick on my head that has plagued me since childhood. 


All I want, homos - all I've ever wanted - is to be able to dance.

To surrender to the music.  

To set my limbs free, like graceful and sophisticated willow branches, allowing them to move, carelessly, to a beat pounding in time with my own heartbeat.

To be it on the floor. 

That's all I want.

Everybody loves dancing.

All my friends are good dancers.  
They get genuinely excited about going out to dance clubs on Saturday nights.  

They can't wait to show their moves - all eyes on them.
[thanks mea]

Dancing is important.  

Shay and Lisa, who are now married, began dating when Shay noticed a girl in giant plastic Chanel earrings throwing it down on the floor in San Francisco.  

And one time, I was out for coffee at the Mayday Cafe in Minneapolis, and I heard a dyke say to her friend, "If you suck at dancing, you suck at sex."

Her friend laughed and agreed.

I have been lying awake at night ever since.

I can't dance.  
My friends have worked with me.

I've taken professional lessons.  
I've taken professional private lessons.

Ballet.  Jazz.  Modern.  Hip-hop.  
Swing, tango, salsa, merengue.


And the worst part?  

My favorite music, for real, is trashy hip-hop. 

I'm gay! It's in the genes!

I am programmed to love dance music and I know every word to every pop song ever and...

I can't get down. 

It's the arms. 

What are you supposed to do with the arms?  

The feet, no one really notices.  

You can shuffle along to the beat, and if it's crowded, so much the better.  
You can put a drink in one hand and vaguely wave the other.    
Not so bad.  

But when it's not crowded?  

Oh shit.

How do you get low?  How do you know when to come back up?  Why don't other people lose their balance?  
How do you initiate dancing with a woman without being creepy?  How do you think of new things you haven't done yet? 
How do you know what speed the total stranger grinding behind you wants to grind to?  

I'm a mess. 
I would give almost anything to be a good dancer, I really would.

It may never happen for me.
[thanks Jes B.]

But!  We're not here to dwell on the gnawing, horribly aching, raw pain that is my deepest, most unfulfilled wish.  

I only bring all this up because I've spent an inordinate amount of time in the last two weeks dancing in bars with lesbians.

Along with attending several queer dance nights in Chicago, I also just got back from doing a reading at Brown.  

Fuck, it was fun.  
There are shit tons of gayelles at Brown, and they. are. friendly.
[thanks Lindsay!]


Why didn't I try harder in high school?
Why didn't I know about universities with extremely hot populations of artsy-type girls?

My career counselor left out the bit about "looking at colleges with awesome queers."
[thanks Sarah R. R.]

I applied to one college, got in, and went there.

It could have been Brown

I could have spent my days talking to brilliant, fun neuroscience and Russian literature students who know what both "synesthesia" and "teach me how to dougie" means. 
[thanks khia! risd is next door, but still.]

Lindsay, the girl who organized the reading, emailed me beforehand to warn me:  

The gayelles at Brown wished to go out afterwards.  
A place called Club X in Providence

There would be dancing.

Tricks, I panicked.
[thanks Sarah G.]

Me?  Dancing with a big group of women I don't know?

Worst nightmare.

They would discover my flailing arms.  

They would see my not-quite-rhythmic feet.  

There would be scorn.

But it ended up being fine!  It was really crowded!  I had rum!

After admiring Sandra, Khia, and Daniela's effortless moves on the dance floor, I wobbled outside to get some air.

I leaned on the metal railing outside the club, relieved to be away from Ke$ha's caterwauling.

A boy approached me.  

He was good-looking - clearly a college student, and he was drunk.

[he looked shaggy, like Ashton Kutcher]

He gestured that he wanted a hug. 

I backed away from him.

Strange Guy: Hey, c'mon, don't be like that. 

Me: Leave me alone.

Strange Guy:  What?  A nice guy like me (I mean, I'm a little intoxicated) and you're running?  Man, I need a hug.  I'm strikin' out tonight. Girls are mean here.

Me:  Um. (pause) That's because this a dyke bar. 

Strange Guy: What? Serious?  

Me: (collapsing into giggles) 

Strange Guy:  This explains a lot.  A dyke bar, huh?  Man, I knew the girls in there were dancing funny.

Me:  Like...lesbians?

Strange Guy:  Yeah!  Lesbians dance funny.  Hey, thanks for the heads up.  I'm gonna go find my buddy.  Hey, wait, are you a lesbian?

Me: Yup.

Strange Guy: Man. Ok. Well, have a good night.

The college guy left, an ocean of Acqua di Gio cologne wafting in his wake.

I stood outside in the cool night air, pondering his words.  
"Lesbians dance funny."
[via rookiemag]

He had a point.

It had been years since I'd thought about it, but...lesbians do have a distinctive way of dancing.

I mean, when they're dancing with each other. 

It's like...stand-up scissoring.

[via pinktacolovers]

Do y'allfags know what I'm talking about?

The first few times I set foot in a gay dance club, I remember being shocked.

Lesbians didn't dance like straight people did.
[thanks pillowtalkmpls]

Straight boys and girls dance dirty, but in a different way.

Lesbians slid a thigh in between my legs.

And then danced.

I'm used to it now, but I distinctly remember thinking, "Excuse me???"
[Thanks Kelly B.]

It was, at the time, the naughtiest thing that had ever happened to me in public.

The first time this dance-y leg action happened, I was so shocked that I pulled away and stared at the girl.  

She had been humping my leg!  What the fuck!
[thanks Heron]

She smiled serenely, confident in her superior knowledge of lesbian customs, and pulled me back towards her, pressing her leg between my legs once more and continuing to move.  

It felt...nice.
[thanks Jamie & Dot]

As we danced, I furtively looked around the room, checking to see if  my friends were seeing this shit.

But as I looked around, I saw it:  

Everyone else was dancing like that, too!
[thanks Nikki and Kat]

Well then.
I continued to go out.  I continued to dance with strange women. 

I continued to have my crotch rubbed by stray legs. 

This must be how lesbians dance, I concluded.
[thanks Nikki A]

And I guess it makes sense.

In every club I've ever been to - gay or straight - all dancers with close partners were intent, in one form or another, on only one thing: 

as much clothing-on genital rubbing as possible. 

Lesbians, as I'm sure you've realized, are fabulously dirty dancers.
[thanks Jennifer F.]

They have this crotch-rubbing thing down.

They'll dance behind a girl, pressing themselves against her ass, while grabbing her belt buckle in front and guiding her hips to the rhythm they want.  


They'll pull a girl in by the small of her back, put their leg between her legs, and grind in slow-motion.  

It's great.
It's sexy.

It's uniquely lesbionic.

Now if only I knew what to do with the rogue leg. 

[via better-call-saul]

Should I offer it a smoke?

Wait three days, then call it?  What?

Have you experienced the special lesbian dance? 


  1. I can't stop laughing. I LOVE the lesbian booty grind. Especially with strange hot girls in a club where you thought there would be no one like you...

  2. When I was a younger, more defenseless babydyke going to the gay bars in Copenhagen, I noticed this strange phenomena as well. But the first time it really, really hit me was when I was dancing with my friends, and the cute chick grinding me suddenly had her hands in my pants. I mean, seriously? Are lesbians really more prone to have actual sex on the dancefloor? This tuned out to not be an isolated occurrence, as I've experienced it a couple of times now. I've even been to a party at a queer venue with lesbians having sex right there on one of the couches. People were just politely ignoring it and dancing on around them, occasionally coming over to grab their things from the couch before the sexytime would make it impossible to retrieve one's belongings. Ah, good times...

    I'm going out to a lesbian bar tonight, so will make sure to report back on any sightings of special lesbian dancing/grinding/fucking on the dancefloor.

  3. I... didn't realize this was strange! Haha, I just always sort of danced like that. If we're dancing close that is. Fortunately I am one of those blessed womenfolk that can get down to just about any beat and is happy to dance by myself on an empty dance floor (no shame). But when I'm getting close with a Lady friend, well, it just seems natural to dance like that!

  4. Oh! I can't do it! I sway, I fall, I stumble all over the bloody place. I can get down for max 2 minutes before whoever is behind me pushes me too far forward and then I just look like an uncomfortable tight rope walker. I've since given up. I've embraced my bar leaning pose and have now found a stupid amount of women will approach me, because they know I'm watching. ;)

  5. Actually, more often than that I just see lots of really hopeless attempts at dancing. Myself included. It's worse at bars with lots of gay men because they REALLY can dance and make all the girls look awkward/awful in comparison.

  6. I'm not really a fan of "the leg," although I'm pretty sure that the couple of times I've experienced it haven't been good markers for the way it's "supposed to be done." I felt like (1)she was attempting to operate a joystick with her knee cap, or (2) that I was supposed to hold on and ride like one of those wooden stick horses. No, I prefer the grind from behind myself :)

  7. I can only dance sitting on a chair. Wiggling my upper body to the tempo of the music, I can do. That's fine. But as soon as I'm standing up, my legs seem to be in the way. I was thought how to dance by my babysitter back in the eighties and never quite got away from the "move one foot to the other foot, step down, repeat with other foot" kind of move.

    (Oh, I can also dance with a broom in my kitchen, but does that count?)

    I can sing, however, but nobody hears it in a crowded bar. Oh well.

  8. What an awesomely insightful post, as per usual!

  9. As a pre-gayby in college bars I never wanted to be humped from behind by random dudes.
    "Personal preference", I thought, "I just like to dance by myself."

    But dancing with a gay girl for the first time I thought, "This.Is. AWESOME!"
    It was face-to-face, intimate, sexy...and there was...a leg. It was strange when I realized the actual position of our bodies while dancing, but I also noted it was way-less awkward and "weird" than any time I'd been poked in the butt by some dude's denim-masked member whilst gettin' down.

    So yeah, I'm a fan of the special lesbian dance.

  10. "You suck at dancing, you suck at sex." Really I'm more concerned with the other side of that coin! "You're an amazing dancer, you're good in bed?" Crushing on an amazing dancer! Awesome post. I fucking love to dance!!

    Peace and love and bugs named Doug,

  11. I have been part of a "grind-line" but never humped someones leg.
    Thinking on it, I dance the straight way and only when intoxicated.

  12. As a fellow white girl in Chicago lesbian bars, surrounded by great dancers, I'm right next to you on the "awkward soul train." There *is*, however, a length that a person's confidence in their dancing should get them. There was this girl crushing on me who thought she had MAAAAD SKILLZ. She had this move that was a cross between "the leg" and a "bend a snap" kinda thing. Most of the time I just felt like she was going to send me into orbit. Not sexy.

  13. As a girl who lived most of her life as a straight dancer/dance teacher (until my mid 20s), I'm a pretty awesome dancer. Plus, I learned in straight clubs. Most lesbians can't dance. It's sad and creepy. And any girl (or boy for that matter, but I'm not usually prone to hanging out with straight dudes) who grabs me, grinds on me or sticks a leg or hand in an inappropriate place will pay for that crap. I don't care how cute you are. That's gross and a total invasion of space. I don't know why this is being celebrated. I think it's embarrassing. And I have no problem with sexy or sexytime or sexy dancing, I just don't think this is sexy at all.

  14. I've both experienced and given "The Leg" I can't help it! I love it. Girls are hot!

    I'm a bellydancer, but not a great one. What I've noticed is as long as you have a smile on your face and act like you are the dancing queen, everyone will think you are. ;-)

  15. I'm a bad dancer, that is very rare since i'm latin plus i'm gay, so I'm not sure what hapen with my DNA.

    The thing is that in my past I dated Non'Dancers people, so never had a problem before; I used to hang out more at bars/pubs than dance clubs.

    My girlfrind right now, she is from Veracruz (the "cuban" kinda state in Mexico) this means she has very sexy/hot dance moves; either she is dancing pop, hip hop, salsa, etc.

    OMG she really turns me on just by watching her dance.

    Coming back to my story, I have the same problem you have, can't make my self dance, and I really really really want to learn!

    The stand up scissor dance, its true story! haha


  16. so glad im good at dancing. thank you world.

  17. Literally anything to do with dancing/singing/musical instruments I am totally miserable at. This is why "going out dancing" to me sounds more like "going out to test out some thumbscrews". Although, I do love me a beginner hip hop class because everyone looks so foolish I feel at home. Although still really, really hard.

  18. ..and I can't wait to be eighteen, I'm obviously missing out! ah well three months to go..

  19. How did I miss that you were in Little Rhody! Only the best state ever. I go to URI, which is pretty much the only college not in Provi.
    Damn it.
    Gotta love the lesbian special dance though.

  20. I didn't know how to dance until I took ecstasy..once..a long time ago, in high school. Since then I can pretty much get down to anything short of chamber music. True story. Great post

  21. I love dancing with women! It's so crazily unabashedly sexual. Even if you've no interest in the person beyond the end of the song, it is ALWAYS hot to be pressed stomach to stomach, grinding to the beat, hands pulling the person in closer.

    It's just hot. It just is.

    As is being pressed into from behind. Holy smokes.

    And the leg? It's an essential part of gayelle dancing. I'm pretty sure before I came out to myself as queer, my crotch went for the guy-thighs more than anything. :)

  22. oo the lesbian special dance sounds hot! haven't experienced it, maybe one day :p

  23. Nothing truer has ever been said. Lesbians DO dance like that, and it is absolutely HOT.

  24. I am also a hopelessly bad dancer. I might lose my inhibitions long enough to have fun for a minute, but then inevitably - you nailed this - I realize I have no idea what to do with my arms. The Leg, though, makes me totally not care what I look like on the dance floor. Hot.

    For anybody wanting to learn to dougie:

  25. Or as we say in Wisconsin, teach me how to Bucky:

  26. Two dancing tips I've picked up over the years... The first, I learned from a pair of guys who danced as deliberately badly as possible (what they were doing actually did require some skill, but stupid dancing can be reproduced easily and without much effort). I now use their moves when I fall off balance or something on the dance floor... making fun of yourself by looking even more ridiculous is usually well taken and elicits a few laughs, and then everyone gets on with their lives. The second thing I learned is that the vast majority of dancing people are drunk, and thereby not able to very accurately judge the quality of anything, much less your dancing. So you have basically nothing to lose on most dance floors as long as you don't molest anyone, fall down in fits, or vomit.

  27. Yesss. The scissor dance is a thing here too, but I've never experienced it in straight bars -- largely because I stop dancing and move away when a guy approaches me. I want to go dancing now. Stupid exams.

  28. More on the above -- I've never noticed it while dancing with gay boys either.

  29. BROWN! That's my #1!! I'm applying Early Decision this month. PLEASE PLEASE I PRAY TO THE GODS OF COLLEGE LET ME IN

  30. Ooh, I have synesthesia, yay! You know, the colors you make your words don't match the colors of those words. (My colors are the right colors.)

    Anyway, I can't dance for shit. High what-do-I-do-with-my-left-hand five!

  31. Well, i haven't actually been to a gay bar yet! I need to find someone who'll go with me haha, most of my friends want to go to straight bars.
    Well i think i'm guilty of the leg grinding thing, it just sort of, comes naturally?
    I think dancing is a way of venting sexual frustration for people who haven't had some in a while.

  32. Lesbian dance moves ^_^ This hilariously true in my city. I have only seen lesbians do this and never really thought much about it until now!

  33. Shit! The leg is a lesbian thing? I thought it was a college thing. (But then again, I was partying with the rugby team...)

  34. I was talking to someone about this a few months ago while we were at the club on gay night. I was with a straight girl friend and she was like, "How can you tell who's straight and who's gay?" And I was like, "Well, you can just kind of tell by the way they dance I guess." And I knew I'd hit gold, without realizing it.

  35. I fucking love you! you make me laugh my ass off every damn time, thanks for sharing the awesomness!

  36. I don't think this is just a gaygirl thing. I have definitely done the leg-y dance with guys before; they slipped the leg btwn mine OR sometimes just pro-offered the leg for me to climb on top of. But I do have to say that often the guy will turn you around and hump your butt as a first step instead of the latter. But yeah, my first high school dance I got broken-in to with the leg-y dance by a shaggy/very attractive senior guy, so probs not just gay... Though women are much better at it!

  37. What do they call it in Queer as Folk, The Muncher Mash? I live in Czech Republic. Some dykes do it, but for the most part, they are engaging in rhythmic fisticuffs on the dance floor or doing some kind of weird Euro-trance shit that looks like a barely controlled epileptic seizure. Yes.. the forbidden dance is NOT how the ladies pull here.

  38. ah yes! but it's way better when dancing naked...

  39. You can't trust men when you're out dancing on a late night club. They are, to a far larger extent than women, assholes, rapists, and stuff like that. Women are mostly warm, soft, safe and stuff like that. That's why I'd let a woman do like, anything to me. I get pissed if a man even so much as THINKS about coming close. I'm explaining this in a very exaggerated way now so you guys understand what I mean :) not all men are rapists XD

    And I suck at dancing. So: I get drunk, not overly, but still, and dance my mood. And mostly, I'm fricking happy, and dance silly, and that makes people laugh and join in. If I'm at a club though, I look at how other people are dancing, and try to do what they're doing. I don´t have lots of imagination.

    And come on, alcohol goes right to the no-no parts. That's why you gotta rub.

  40. mm. gotta agree with the poster that said they couldn't dance til they took extacy. ferrealz, if you can't dance, try it... just once... it will solve all of your life problems.

  41. Hell yeah, love the dancing! It is always fun! Today is my b-day so West Hollywood here I come!! Dance Dance all night!! =D

  42. I learned about "the leg" as you call it in middle school. What we viewed in my middle school as grinding was "the leg" It wasn't until summer camp that I learned the guy's crotch-in-girl's-butt version of grinding. Was not a fan of either until I started dancing with women only. The only night of my life that I have engaged in grinding, my leg went in between my (female) partner's thighs. This is because in my middle school, the inserting leg was always that of a male. I reclaim that power and right! I feel like I can be an aggressive dancer when I want to be. I like grinding face to face (dancefloor scissoring as you seem to call it) but only with people I know well and am close to. I miss being around those people! I really want to dance again.
    But yeah, I do "the leg" because I learned it in middle school from boys. I am now all the boy I'll ever need.

  43. Leslie will teach you what to do with your hands:

    Two friends in life taught me that the most important thing about dancing is to be dancing.

  44. Haha! This is a great post. SO true! I always did the leg thing, since like middle school, and I'd dance with my straight friends and they'd get all awkward cuz it was obviously much too sexual for them, but when I realized I was gay and started dancing at queer clubs... all the girls do it! So hot. I love dancing. I can't dance either, but I just get drunk, let loose and have a good time. Just feel the rhythm, yeah? :)

  45. This is so true! I can dance pretty well. My hips seem to have a mind of their own and I am natural at belly-dancing. I do that and girls LOVE it.I will watch other girls do the leg thing but I do not like doing it or having that done to me. It's just awkward. I'm already pretty awkward, I don't need any more help with that when I'm trying to have a good time.

  46. I don't know about the leg thing and I'm straight-ish, but I'm a good dancer, and I've been that for about three years, before which I was a terribly-embarrassed-looking-to-the-floor dancer. So I'd like to offer a few tips which perhaps will be useful.
    a) don't make yourself dance if you don't like the music. Find out what music makes you want to move and then
    b) when you do hear music that makes you feel you should be dancing, GO! You must! You won't dance if you don't dance! (ok, that was silly, but I hope you get it)
    c) experiment with stupid dance, as said above - do cliché moves when you're out of inspiration (filling up shopping cart, fishline thing, travolta, whatever), you're allowed to be silly on the dancefloor. It's even recommended sometimes, especially if you're being made to dance to Ke$ha
    d) also, when you're out of inspiration, incorporate things from the friends whose moves you like - they're too busy dancing and staring at some girl to even notice! I swear! Well, except if "some girl" is you, in which case they might think it's a homage. Usually, people are in such good mood when they dance, they won't get pissed off.
    e) you don't know what to do with your arms. It's OK, they can be in your pockets at first. It'll just look adorable and in any case, your hips count so much more. (Or you can use your arms to prolong a move that started on your shoulders.)
    f) in fact, perhaps you don't even need to move your feet much at first, you can move them more and more as you get confident.
    And in my experience, good in bed and at dancing are not 100% related. Inhibitions don't work the same way in those two situations!
    OK, have fun with your beautiful body! I love it, and I love what it lets you write!

  47. Oh, ok, I'm flooding your comments, but one last thing, this modern dance vid also helped me see dancing as possibly totally detached from, like, the necessity to be sexy, and more as something that can be moving and weird and fun:
    (But perhaps it's in the eye of the beholder - I just hope it's not bewildering to you!)

  48. Well I don't know how relevant this story is but here you go: as a 17 year old girl living in the middle of nowhere I planned on going to my first queer party this summer and I did! I was TOTALLY alone at first with some random but awesome women I just made friends with (yes, women) and I was probably the youngest one there trying to pass as at least 18. Some gay boy friends came later on (even though it was an all girls party but it's mostly girls with a queer-boy minority) so I wasn't alone for too long but the minute they came they were either laughing at me for being awkwardly young and/or totally and desperately single. Later on, another gay male friend came to the club with a lesbian couple and he was all alone as well so I sat around with him nagging about how all the younger girls are coupled and the older women are partying with their friends and that I ONLY WANT TO GRIND ON SOMEONE or maximum HAVE MY FIRST KISS IN A DRUNKEN HAZY GRIND-SESSION, he started to laugh at me then proceeded to point out lonely looking girls. I managed to hit on two; the first one -let's call her N- declined while laughing, her friend sitting next to her told me she'd dance with me later on to "make it up to me" but she NEVER DID. so I danced alone and with gayboys for an hour or so... then the most awkward thing EVER happened: this really awesome lesbian activist that I've known for a while, who was (as far as I knew) happily partnered for about 10 years or so with an age appropriate lady, walked into the club and was looking all hot and delicious. the MOMENT she entered N got up and they started doing the lesbian dance! they were even making out/dry humping mid floor! turns out she'd broken up with her partner a long time ago and is now dating N who is like half her age and they looked so alike it was freaky! they even dressed the same and it was like she was her older sister or something. I was SO embarrassed because it meant that the first time I hit on a girl she turns out to be with someone who is like a role model to me and they GRIND RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME TWO MINUTES LATER. The other girl I managed to hit on was sneaking up on the DJ and kissing/her her all night long but my friends convinced me it was nothing to worry about, so I asked her to dance and we did, but SHE SUCKED and was dancing like a 10 year old drunk boy in a European techno club, then when I felt really desperate and confident that I don't have other options of people to dance with I initiated the "lesbian dance" with her but she completely blew me off and backed up so we couldn't grind and proceeded to do her techno dancing. SO MY FIRST LESBIAN DANCE EXPERIENCE WAS A FAIL. FML

  49. Well, I'm not old enough to go to the gay clubs, so I've had no experience with this. BUT I am a pretty good dancer so I feel like if I was getting into it and someone just was like HI LET ME PUT MY LEG IN YOUR CROTCH I'd just stop dancing like... what. How am I supposed to shake my hips with a leg seriously impending my mobility?

  50. I laughed the entire time I was reading this. I have always danced like this. Even when I was "straight" and dancing with guys. I love it.

  51. That is my muthafuckin COUSIN people! Woohooooooo! Love me some Lindsay. I damn near shit my pants with happiness when I saw her picture pop up on your website. Hope you had fun with her!!

  52. "What are you supposed to do with the arms?"

    Yes, exactly that! And also the legs between the thighs!

    Love your blog. Love. It. <3

  53. Ummm you mean people don't dance like that? Lol...maybe I haven't danced with guys for a while but I'm used to dancing with the leg there. =) I'm usually the one who slides the leg...

  54. Oh I can confirm its not even just american dykes special dance. Its universal, chicks.
    In Italy, at least, its the same. Dykes discos here are so fucking hot because of that, and I like it ;)

  55. The first time I made out with a girl was after what felt like several hours of dry-scissor-humping at a queer dance party. It was awesome.

    There's a unique sway in the gay girl's hips. As a stripper, my gaydar goes off when I see another dancer drawing particular attention to her undercarriage in a holier-than-though kind of way. And nine times of out ten, that girl's swinging our way. It's like this insane sort of pussy-confidence. It's awesome.

  56. I'm no shrinking violet, but I try my best to maintain a sense of decorum on the dance floor. I'm old fashioned, and I don't mind it. It's how I like to be. Or maybe I'm just old. Love this blog.

  57. AHH not knowing that to do with the arms is the worst. But I also never know what to do with my face!!! Does anyone else have that problem? I feel like I probably end up making crazy facial expressions if I'm like shouting along with the lyrics, and I don't know what expressions to make if I'm not! Ugh such an awkward dancer.

  58. I went to my fist gay club last Sunday! It was S4 in Dallas and it was AWESOME. It's like everything I had been reading on Effing Dykes about gay and lesbian dynamics had blown up around me and I was a field researcher.

    I definitely noticed how the lesbians danced. I found it such a weird concept. Like, "Okay, I don't even know your name but we're basically procreating in the dance floor."

    It was a lot of fun.

  59. Now that you've pointed it out... it's so true. o___0
    I never consciously noticed before but it's true!
    I started doing it almost automatically once I started going out places... it's in the blood or something.

    And I couldn't stop giggling the entire time reading this too, nice picture selections. xD

  60. Um. Can we talk about how I'm pissed I didn't know you were in Providence? I'm literally a few blocks away at JWU and would have loved to come see you speak. Son of a bitch.

  61. LOL.. brilliant post..

    I love the way my gf dances with me.. it is dirty and sexy and so way past anything I knew as a straight girl...

    Viva La Lesbian Dance!

  62. "Stand-up scissoring," SO ACCURATE. I feel like the other classic (although non-sexy) lesbian dance is that dinosaur claw action that so many girls have going on, which mostly involves clenching one's hands into loose fists, bending one's arms at the elbow, and moving around like a mix between a prizefighter and maraca player.

  63. haha, my straight friends call it "the make out dance". but could you go wrong? this dance is awesome!

  64. Wish I could dance, too. I have, well, some junk in the trunk, and I feel inhibited about shaking it around / drawing attention to that. I know, I know, "get over it." Also my arms and hands are awkward and so my upper body movements are "random and skittish" at best, never smooth. In short, I appear to be having a seizure from the waist up, while mimicking a zombie down below.

  65. Loved the post yada yada the usual. But, more importantly COME TO CORNELL! We also have lots of Ivy League gayelles with lots of enthusiasm. Don't believe me? Come see for yourself! :D

  66. Hahaha! YES. The lezzie leg dance. I did it before I even realised it was a THING. :D

  67. Duh, girls do it better! And I bust out laughing at "How do you get low? How do you know when to come back up?"

    I've been told I gots some moves and I'd say I'm a pretty decent dancer, but I'm one of those who people who doesn't know how to initiate leg and/or crotch grinding positions - I'm pretty awkward about it.

  68. This is an entirely accurate representation of my college experience at Brown. All we did was go to clubs and perfect our lesbian dancing skills. It was amazing.

  69. Rough belt-loop grabs all the way. I love dancing. If I'm in the right mood I can just let go to the music and it is brilliant. Otherwise I'm a lil self-conscious and I look at the people nearby for clues. I end up with a hand in my hair and one in a pocket, haha. The Leg... yes, I've danced it so many times. It's not my best move because of the height difference in my partners sometimes. You shorter gayelles are fun to lift and lean into though, no worries!

  70. I dance just like a gay man, or rather, a pathetically uncoordinated version of a gay man. Too many years of fag hag-edness. The Leg or The Grind just gives me the heebs, whether said move is being implemented by a gorgeous woman or not. Dancing with myself, oh oh ohhhhh

  71. I tell the truth I've always had a stray leg. Even if I was dancing with a guy... now I wonder how they felt about it?

  72. Two things:
    1) I dance like I'm having seizures. So, it's okay. Everyone sucks at something.
    2) I'm not sure what the big deal is with knowing what synesthesia is. Do most people not know?
    3) what is douggie-ing, and is it in anyway related to Neal Patrick Harris?

  73. I was lucky enough to experience the special lesbian/queer dance just about every week, sometimes multiple nights a week the whole time I was an undergrad.
    AND now I know why dancing at straight clubs or with straight people seems so strange and awkward and unfamiliar. I NEVER realized that was the key element of difference.

  74. SOOO I met this really pretty lady last night who was the most awkward moving body on the floor. I love the women who can't dance but try or are moving to a erratic inner metronome (not excluding the ones who can dance). They are too cute!

  75. Sooooooo Krista. It's been 16 days. 16 long, tortuous days without a new Effing Dykes post. I get that you're busy and have all sorts of fun things happening in real life away from your computer. But once you hit the two week mark, things start to go downhill really quickly. I've gone back and read all the old posts. ALL. OF. THEM. Send us some love soon, ok? Before we all go insane.

  76. I've experienced the special lesbian dance once before. I too, was shocked and confused. But then, I found that I liked it.

    I related to this post so much, you don't even know.

  77. Anyone else want to give the straight guy a cookie?

  78. Krista! I love this post. You need to get your ass back to the Twin Cities and then I'll teach you how to dance. I can answer all of those questions - why? Because I'm majoring in dance (yes that's possible), and this is what I do. And I'm an excellent teacher.

    What's unfortunate about my world, and how I think you could help... is that all modern dancers look like lesbians. I encourage you to go see some modern dance and just go to watch the audience. They'll all be dancers, they'll all look gay... how do you know who's arty and who's gay?! Ahh!

  79. You should try ecstatic dance. Right now we only have communities in Berlin and San Francisco, but it is so marvelous and you will feel like you can dance after.

  80. Give me a day and I guarantee to have you shaking your ass like a Jamaican. Hit me up :-)

  81. I have done the leg thing (though only after a half hour of so of 'clean' dancing with a stranger, or after hours of talking with a date). Love it. Shit, I even came from it once.

  82. So totally unrelated but I know you sold your eggs to pay for college anything you might like to share with someone who might be looking into this?

  83. BAHAHAHA! This is wonderful!

    Personally, I love to dance! It's my favorite hobby. I dance at least once a day in my living room hardwood floor. I glide around in socks pretending I'm Tom Cruise in Risky Bi'ness. Or I'll turn on some salsa music (usually Marc Anthony) and pretend I'm in Dirty Dancing Havana Nights doing some slick dance moves.

    I've been dancing for almost my whole life but I never once took a dance class. I don't think I'm the best dancer out there, but I do have the most fun. I just get out there and feel the music... shit I'll dance to polka if you play me some. Sure, idk what the hell I'm doing but I'll have fun doing it.

    I've taught many of my friends to dance salsa and merengue... and I find it crazy that they were so adamant about trying to dance it just like a professional. Personally, I think freestyle is a very attractive thing. Maybe it's because my father has two left feet... but I absolutely love when people don't know what the hell they're doing and they don't give a shit! I'm all for following the music and doing what you want at that moment. I'm the only one in my family who will dance with my dad and that's because he feels the music just as much as I feel his dress shoes stammering all over my little feet.

    Forget about structure... have a few drinks... go out to the dance floor.. and happily make a fool out of yourself! :)

  84. Haha, I know "the leg" well...

  85. I think I'm a alright dancer but coz of my body type (extremely curvy/slim asian)whatever moves I do comes off as abit go go dancer and porn-ish..which at times is great coz the girl the I wanna get the attention of actually takes notice :) but it also grabs the attention of aggressive horny males who comes pawing instead of the cutie by the bar :(