Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Choo-Choo Choose You

[Milla by Caroline]
Hiya clambakers!

Well, Kelly is married.  

The Straightest Girl in the World has been married off.

Ladies and gents, there will never be another one like her. 

As I stood for the 7th straight hour in nude-colored spike heels, sinking into a lawn in the blinding July sun, holding a bouquet of white roses and wondering if wedding guests could see the sweat trickling down the backs of my knees, Kelly and Jason were married.

They read vows.

They kissed.

And my shriveled black ashclump of a heart cracked open just long enough to leak out a few tears.

She had done it.  

Kelly was married.  

This was the moment.

This was the culmination of every daydream; every Barbie and Ken acted-out ceremony where Barbie had a wedding dress made of toilet paper and Ken did dirty things to her molded plastic "area"; every Jason Mraz song Kelly had ever heard in the car and tilted her head thoughtfully towards, saying, "I think I'd like to have this played at my wedding."
[via sabino]
It had all been for this.

Kelly's dream.  

She'd wanted this since she was five.
[Anne Martineau]
It was beautiful.

I wept.  

I wept openly in the glaring sun.
[via lesfemmes]

Not because it was a wedding; not because I love my two friends and they make a great couple; not because I love love and they so obviously adore each other.

I wept for the sheer achievement of it all.

This must be how parents of Olympic gold-winning gymnasts feel.

Apart from maaaybe Kelly's parents, I had been preparing for this moment, alongside Kelly, for most of my child and adult life.  
[via loveswing]
Longer than anyone else in the crowd by far.

Every ripped out page from Martha Stewart Weddings; every time Kelly made me recite the four C's of diamonds from memory as we trolled around department stores, trying on fake wedding rings; every episode of Say Yes to the Dress and The Bachelor; every color theme endlessly discussed.
Twenty-three years in the making.

This was my wedding, too.

Maybe as close as I'll ever get.
[Sara Lillevang Knudsen]

Tramps, I don't know how I feel about marriage, period.

I mean, obviously, I think anyone who wants to get married should be able to get married.  


But people ask me and CJ if we're going to get married all the time.

And I honestly have no idea.

We've talked about it.  

And we always land on "meh."  

[Gemma Killen]

But sweating my ass off there in the sun, it occurred to me how beautiful it is when two people stand in front of everyone they love (or were forced to invite) and swear to always be there for one another. 
[via sapphoria]

Now, don't get me wrong.

I've always hated weddings. 

The drama.  The relatives you don't want to see.  The expense.  The self-involvement. The emphasis on your "perfect day."  The stress.  The God language.  The ring.  The gross patriarchal customs.  The way-out-of-whack expectations. 

Horrible bachelorette parties where girls with very straight, highlighted hair throw fuzzy pink feather boas around their necks and shriek "OMIGOD ew!!" at perfectly respectable strippers while not tipping, ever.  

Gag penis presents.  

"Naughty" bedroom ideas. 

My basic thought on weddings, in the past, has always been ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT EVER????

[thanks Emily]

Now I don't know.

Kelly and Jason both really looked like it was the happiest day of their lives.

And their wedding was wonderful.  

The officiator used the word "partner" at every possible moment.

The word "obey" was never uttered.
The word "God" was never uttered.  

Not even once.

But if there is a God, that shining hour felt like where God would be.
[by lolita]
I think that's why everyone cries.

I hobbled into bed with CJ that night, my eyes aglow with something that might have been love and something that might have been several splits of champagne. 
[by Sara Lynn Sterling of brooklynshoutout]

Naked under the quilt, with the windows open to the chill night air of Seattle, we talked about the pros of getting married, which, to us,  are:

1) Declaration of love.

2) A nice "fuck you" to Republicans and conservative Christians.

3) Presents.  There is a Kitchen-Aid mixer with my name on it out there.

4) Families might, at some point in the distant future, begin to acknowledge relationship as "serious."  Maybe.

5) You would get to say "my wife" at parties. 

6) A chance to torture friends with your demands. 

We talked about the obvious cons:

1) Um, in this country, you're 'married' in New York and 'domestic partners' when you cross the state line into Pennsylvania.  And that's fucked.

2) Weddings were created by and for straight people. 
We like straight people. But we're not straight people. 

3) Weddings cost money.  We don't have any.

4) Gag gifts aren't so shocking when a Saturday errand could easily involve shopping for a lightsaber-shaped glass dildo you can freeze and put in the microwave. 

5) Hmm. That whole thing about being faithful.  What would that exactly...entail?  Do we have to do that?  
And if we don't, would that make us "swingers"? 

6) You're engaged in an institution that forever changes how others define you.
[via dancingonembers]
In the end, as the champagne wore off and I started to feel queasy, we decided to postpone the discussion while CJ pulled pants on in the dark.  

She padded down three flights of stairs to get me a glass of water, bringing back an acidophilus capsule as well.  
[by emily]
I sat up and drank the water.

It was a beautiful wedding, we decided, as I finished the water.

CJ led me, by the hand, back down the stairs.

Some women look graceful as swans on their wedding day, sailing sure towards their future, the way they knew they always would.

Some women barf gracefully as swans in the toilets of communal households at three in the morning after said weddings.

CJ was there to hold my hair, and that's love, too, sluts.  

Maybe one day.


  1. hahaha some women barf gracefully as swans after said weddings. Beautiful imagery. Thanks for updating, it's like coming home to a long-awaited present every time.
    also come to New Orleans's southern decadence!!! I will give you free housing if you come
    (will anyone else be here?)

  2. :) I love reading this blog. It is a nice dose of gay when surrounded by so many straight girls who just dont get your jokes. hah And if u can find one that will hold your hair shes a keeper. Enough Said

  3. I am very disappointed. I thought this was going to be about Pokemon...

  4. Just buy the fucking kitchen aid. I did and never regretted it. (But don't get the one that has the hand crank for the bowl as it sucks major ass. Seriously get the tilted model.)

  5. Hi there :). About the whole pro's and cons of wedding, especially cons no. 2, 3 and 6: You should really really REALLY reed Commitment, bij Elizabeth Gilbert. (From eat, pray and love). She did a hell of a lot of research on marriage through the ages and what it ment in to beginning, what meaning it got because of religion, and what it actually means and CAN mean.
    I'm very lucky my partner and I are kiving in Europe and that our marriage here will be recognized in most countries in Europe, but still, long way to go with that, especially in East Europe.

  6. Anyway, the costst: you can make it as cheap or expensive as you want!! You don't HAVE to have a crazy expensive dress, you're rings do not have to make you go so deep in dept you wont get out of it for two years. The legal part of marriage and the costs for it are very affordable, and everything else, the ceremony, the party, food/drinks/location/guests, are totally up to you, as is the way you fill in your specific marriage with the person you love, there are no rules in that, and you and C.J make the rules for how your marriage should look like, no matter what society and friends/family except or think of it.

  7. We (my fiancee and I) are hoping to get married this month (it's a hell of a lot of work to get all the documents to be allowed to get married when you live in different countries), and it's just gonna be the 2 of us, no guests or family, for the legal part, since the marriage will only involve us too aswell, and we don't feel like interacting with anyone on that day, we want to celebrate our new bond with just the two of us. Also: we're getting married in faded jeans and shirts we feel comfortable in, just as we are. In a year, when we had time to save up, we want to a special ceremony somewhere in nature, with friends and family, music, yummy foods, maybe even dressing up for the occasion, etc. :)
    So, you see, your wedding and marriage can be whatever you want it to be like!!

  8. I get so excited when there is a new post. I always check and I practically yelped with joy when I found this today. Marriage or not, your love for CJ won't change. P.S. I know your busy, but please more blogs. You are the best.

  9. Awww what a beautiful story! Yes, I mean the hair holding, barfing part of it. That's love if ever there was any.

  10. Wouldn't it be more sensible to have an ultra-minimalist marriage and romanticize the being married bit instead? It lasts quite a lot longer.

  11. Our wedding rings cost about $28 combined. I am certainly not promising to obey, but we are calling the directions (no "God"). Decorations are tealights in mason jars that we already have, and I'm making chocolate wedding cake. We're creating the kind of marriage that WE want - there's no law that marriage means monogamy, as long as both partners are consenting, although we are choosing to be monogamous. Our wedding is going to be held about a year after our last-minute elopement last August.

    And I'm "straight."

    Do you know about Fun wedding porn, although most of the weddings still cost a lot more than mine will.

  12. My wife and I just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. What tipped the scales for us in deciding to get married was the realization that we could have EXACTLY the wedding we want, and fuck what everyone else thinks. We flew to Vancouver (my second favorite place in the world), and we invited our four (total) parents and one brother to join us for our wedding in the park. She wore shorts and sneakers, I wore a frilly blue dress. Then we went out for beer and lunch. Later we nvited everyone over to our B&B after dinner for cake. And then she wisked me away to Whistler (my favorite place in the world). The cost was minimal (for a wedding involving plane tickets and hotels) and it couldn't have been more *us*.

  13. I personally feel that if you've to make a pro-con list about getting married that is big enough reason not to get married.If you want to get married you'll get married and nothing will stand your way not.Not the government,not your financial sit,not stupid old tradition or religion.If you really want it you'll make it work for you.And like some of the comments posted above have stated there's no strict rules you've to follow to get married and be married.You can make your rules.I've always imagined waking up one morning and realizing that I've met someone that I want to spend the rest of my life. Then ask that person to marry me and making it official later day. If possible by going to the clerk's office if not will do it right there in bed.Then celebrate with or friends. For me there doesn't have that much hoopla involved.

  14. Yes - as everyone is saying - the wedding can cost very little. My friends got married in a state park in the woods on a beautiful summer day (free), in inexpensive but beautiful dresses, they exchanged Claddagh rings (under $100) and had a party in the side yard of a friends home (no rental cost) with a friend DJ (free) and some other friends catering. ($500). Instead of flowers, they strung white Christmas lights and did candles in jars at the party.

    I think monogamy is between the two of you, as you agree on.

    And never under estimate the power of "my wife..." in conversation. One of the most powerful tools in my arsenal for changing minds and hearts.

  15. Oh, and some other things I forgot - boy did my family snap into treating us as a serious couple after. I think some of that had to do with the impact of our guest list - 150+ people showing up to your party to cheer for you and dance their asses off can be impressive, especially since it topped the attendance of any of my siblings' weddings. It's nice to have friends. :)

    And our wedding day - awesome. I've never been more happy. She looked beautiful, the day was gorgeous, and how often do you get people to gather to say how much they support you? Other than birthdays, not often.

  16. I loved my wedding day. :-) It was awesome to see how many people love us and were happy for us.

    It was beautiful and I skipped having a bridal shower and rehearsal dinner to try and not stress out my besties...I did make them go to Vegas for my bachelorette party tho!

    Ps. The Candy Apple red Kitchenaid is now MINE

  17. In response to one of the concerns you wrote about, I'd like to mention that marriage has nothing to do with monogamy. Yes, people will assume two married people are at least trying to be monogamous, but they do that with every couple anyways.

    "Swinging" is one very, very specific form of nonmonogamy, and one increasingly relegated to old straight people.

    Most nonmonogamous serious couples I know of, married or not, either have an "open relationship" where two people are in a relationship but are free to fuck others, or some form of polyamory, which is the same thing but with the freedom to form and explore romantic connections with others.

    There's no reason being married has to change anything about your relationship that you don't want it to. If you like your current form of nonmonogamy, whatever it may be, then stick with it.

    For what it's worth, I never wanted to get married until I met my current partner. We're very polyamorous. I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in a decade. We look forward to a bright future spent trolling for cute baby dykes.

  18. I've never liked weddings much, but I do like the idea of being able to make it whatever you want, and do like the idea of a simple, inexpensive wedding (and presents!)

    I've been considering going to Southern Decadence (Fri-Mon), but it all depends on whether or not I can convince anyone else to go with me.

  19. Hmmm... I too was never enamored with the idea of getting married (I've been with my partner for 10+). BUT the day prop 8 passed in CA (where we now live), I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach... for weeks. Maybe I do care, who knew.

    Now we talk about just goin' the courthouse once it's legal again and sending a pretty picture of rings to all our friends. I always figured it'd be better to spend the money to just visit everyone we'd invite to a wedding so we could actually have the chance to hang out with 'em.

  20. Cj is your pokemon! AWWWWW... loved the blog! thanks for the update

  21. ...and there's a picture of a train

  22. poignant without being preachy. I like!

  23. Kelly married Jason, as in Jason Is Overly Interested?

  24. Holding your hair while you puke...that is love. You can't ask for anything better than that!

  25. Welcome back! It's great that the wedding went well and made you happy. I love weddings for that reason (even ones I haven't been helping plan for 23 years) but frankly they don't make me wanna get married...

    Either way, you have a good, um, recovery?

  26. I read once that saying "my wife" to people is like coming out on speed...especially if you don't look gay.

    I can't wait to do that.

  27. Fucking hilarious! thanks.

  28. So if the straightest girl in the universe is officially off the market, I guess the world just got that much gayer.

    We should write thank you cards every time straight people get married.

  29. I think I got a little too excited that my picture is in this Effing Dykes post.

    And I struggle with the idea of getting married, too. I think some gay people really want that and others are satisfied with the commitment itself without the vows. I will probably choose to get married because I am from such a traditional family and I like the idea of coming together with all of your family and friends and saying out loud your promises to each other and a statement of your love. I just think it's nice. And I like traditions.

  30. Are most weddings really that stressful? The only bad wedding I've been to was for a family friend. It was a fundy church. The wife swore to "obey" and "follow and support your husband in all he does," and the husband was declared "head of household, both financially and morally," exactly as God intended. Even my great uncle, who fundraises for the republican party, was uncomfortable. Reception was good though. Open bar.

  31. I don't think Jason is that interested. We haven't heard from him in a long time!

  32. Here's the thing - weddings don't have to be just about the two getting hitched. It's about a community coming together to support the marriage and recognize that our support can help the couple through the tough times. The most beautiful wedding I have been to was a community production where everyone helped, from setting up chairs to cooking to decorating to dancing to cleaning to partying until 4 in the morning. It was a big fat gay party that brought everyone together (from both sides) in support of the couple getting married.

  33. Awww! This made me cry! So sweet! :)

    I don't know if I ever want to get married either, but...maybe. I do live in NYC. I just haven't felt "love" in like, ages upon ages. But, if I ever do again, I feel the same way as you about marriage. Pro/Cons both outweigh each other and it just comes up a neutral "meh."

    However, I can't deny I still hold on to a little bit of an image of myself in my head as a blushing bride one day, with my own blushing bride since I'm into femmes. If I ever have one there shall be no pants wearing at my damn wedding! Well, not by her at least, the guests could I suppose.

    See, there I go talking like it might happen one day.

    *le sigh*

    (Still kinda crying - I hope cj reads your post b/c it's so sweet)

  34. "Weddings were created by and for straight people.
    We like straight people. But we're not straight people. "

    I'm pretty sure that's internalized oppression. Lots of things were created by and for straight people. That doesn't mean gay people can't change it or go there. It won't make you straight either.

    That said, I think civil marriage is a practical thing and people, whether gay or straight, should only do it if there's a practical reason to.

  35. Holding your hair while you puke...that is love. My gf puts her fingers down my throat and lists disgusting things to help me barf out unwanted alcohol.. Truest love ever.

  36. Why'd you hafta make me cry right now?! I want what you have. More than I could ever express. Anyone can get married (well in a few states)...but not everyone finds that cheesy, beautiful love.

  37. I think that's really sweet of CJ. And who said we have to subscribe to patriarchal norms anyway? I believe that love is love and beautiful in all forms.

  38. Growing up, I heard two things from my mother:
    1) It's not the family your born into, often it is the family you make that is the best.
    2) Your marriage is your own.

  39. Ralph's valentine! Hahaha. Loved that episode.

  40. what a sweet and totally accurate way to tell this story. please post more!

  41. i cant WAIT to get married and be a little lesbian housewife oh my goodness.

    except i dont want a wedding. im going to elope, then once we get back spend all the wedding money on just a huge party. no ceremony, no reception, just our commitment (the 2 of us alone), and then EVERYONE we love at a big party. open bar!!

    my mom agrees with my plan fully too. all the fun parts of a wedding without the stressful parts!

    now to find my future wife.......

  42. Just wanted to say - totally okay to get married and not be monogamous, at least to some of us. The rules are your own - you go into it together, and you work your way through it together. Doesn't mean you have to be the only two - just means you'll always be there for each other.

    I'm bi, poly, and getting hitched in November. It doesn't mean to me that my dating days are over... just that for the rest of my life, my fiance will be there to share them with me. "them" I meant days...but it works both ways, heh.

  43. Krista, thank you. In my "real" life, lgbtqa accepting, queer theory steeped, identified and vocal world in nyc, marriage is such a small discussion. I can't remember the last time it came up other than one weekend in June.
    Now, I'm "home", or rather, where I came from, and it has come up every day this week. It's like straight people are obsessed and now I can be "just like them" and get married. I should be happy, look at the progress (ok, ok, my lovely progressive friends, I realize you are trying to find a connection with me on this, but please stop. My jokes are awkward, your common ground is gonna be just as bad)
    Hate to say it, I love them dearly, but I don't wanna be just like them, they seem happy but they've all gained about 20 lbs and sit at computers and care about finances in a really future and abstract way.
    Why is heteronormativity still the ultimate goal?

  44. I would love to think that the title was a pokemon reference. I know it won't have been, but I love it anyways :)

  45. I think I might've been the only person who got the reference, was it from an old Simpsons episode when Ralph presents Lisa with a valentines card I think?

  46. I've thought about being in an open relationship. It seems nice to have someone that you can emotionally rely on and have the option to get turned on by different strangers. However, I get bored with EVERYONE too fast, and I don't think you can really love someone unless you are willing to say, I love you so much, I don't want to be with anyone else. Maybe CJ is a good friend and cuddle buddy, but at some point we all need someone to say: I've seen you throw up and I only wanna be with you.

    And as far as marriage being antiquated... loving monogamous relationships are a relatively new phenomenon. Marriage used to be more of a business deal. But anyway, it all depends on what you like. We can make marriage a better and new idea.

  47. Smart, sophisticated, and beautifully liminal. Thank you.

  48. Baby dyke here. Save me. Can you do something on ambiguous relationships with straight/bi girls? Please? With a cherry on top? At what point do you call a stop to confusing cuddling and running her fingers along my hip bones and be like you need to declare yourself if you like me or you want a relationship or what?

  49. pansexual married polyamorous

    marriage, or any form of taking friendship, sex and adding a dose of commitment, by any name, is really what the two or more people involved in it choose to define it as. This might help:

    i'm glad Kelly's wedding was a truly happy one.

  50. Check out our lesbian undies at Support a small owned dyke business! Love your blog!

  51. As a fellow bridesmaid of the same wedding, I really appreciate your post about Kelly's wedding! I had a similar experience: I don't know how I feel about traditional weddings and often find myself silently gagging. But for whatever reason, I busted out in a joy-cry during the ceremony and felt like a proud momma of some Cool!

    Love your blog. Your writing is so clever and fun! One of my new favorites. I hope you make it into a book!


  52. As a biromantic asexual, I'm totally with babydyke here. Where is the dividing line between friend and girlfriend? At what point does going dancing every friday and driving halfway across town at midnight to get pepto-bismol stop being friend behavior?

  53. I was pretty apathetic on the whole marriage things for ages— despite basically being married to my girlfriend for over a decade. My pat answer to why not? I didn't want to do a fake wedding. I only wanted to do it if it were legal.
    In 2008 in California, suddenly, we could legally get married. Woah! I did not see that coming.
    I made good on my word and planned an awesome wedding for 50 guests in three months. It was the best party I've ever hosted. Afterwards, I finally realized that weddings are a celebration of two people's love and commitment. Corny, but actually true. It was romantic. It was a defining moment in our relationship. All the hoo-ha about the importance of ritual and stating our commitment to marriage within a community was actually real. I could feel it.
    But, maybe it's something that can be explained. It probably has to be experienced. LIke parenting.
    Anyhow, don't knock it til you try it.

  54. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.