What's new, mud-flappers?
Would you do me a favor?
Would you tell me what you had for breakfast?
In rich, syrupy detail?
Six weeks of: no sugar, no coffee, no extra salt, no meat, no cheese, no excess oil, no refined carbohydrates, and no hope or happiness or fun or sunshine ever ever ever again.
Fucking raw almonds.
My systems are down.
Even my gaydar skills feel shaky.
I went to a free outdoor Iron and Wine concert in Millennium Park the other night, and there was a tight cluster of what looked like cute lil' hipster dykes sitting near us, but I wasn't sure.
Pretending to pay attention to the music, I watched them out of the corner of my eye.
She was wearing this:
What a classic that shirt is.
One of the original "funny lesbian" t-shirts.
I love it.
No, you know what?
I pretty much just love gay-themed crap in general.
|[via MetalTaboo, http://gr.pn/kXtXa8]|
Which makes June my favorite month.
Because...what is June?
June is Pride month, hooraaaaay!!!
Time for parades!
And special club nights!
And Pride outfits!
And picnics and throngs of homos and glitter and shit tons - I mean SHIT TONS - of gay-themed crap.
I'm a total sucker for any product relating to gayness, especially lesbian-centric gayness.
Slap a rainbow/dykey symbol/lezzie smartass phrase on any piece of shit you can find - literally, it could be a used enema kit from a dumpster in Boystown - and I will go "OMG I NEED THIS" and cheerfully slap down my rent money.
'Cause it's for gays!
Hey, I'm a gay!
I think advertisers miiiiiiight have figured that out.
They know I can't not buy the witty lesbian t-shirt.
They know a rainbow symbol is the hammer that smashes open my piggy bank.
I'm thrilled to be catered to by Old Navy!
My gosh, I've just been sitting here, wondering what to blow all my disposable income on!
I'm just so happy to be able to purchase products with my gayness in mind!
That's what we're talking about today, homos.
It's almost Pride, and it's almost time for us queers to spend millions and millions of dollars on gay crap, making lots and lots of corporations rich. as. hell.
What do you sluts think about the recent explosion of geared-towards-us marketing?
Are you happy to be pandered to like any other ol' American consumer?
Do you take it as a sign of mainstream integration?
Are you fucking insulted to have your sexual identification reduced to glittery rainbow stickers and Target-sponsored rainbow temporary tattoos?
I'm so torn.
It was all fun and games at first.
There were Freedom Rings.
And bumper stickers.
And a few cute t-shirts.
But Ellen and Queer As Folk and Will and Grace and The L-Word did something else while they were busy breaking barriers and wearing out our DVD player's rewind buttons with Shane/Carmen make-out sessions:
They introduced queers as a new market for targeted advertising.
You could sell mainly to fags and still. make. money.
If you've been to a Pride festival lately, you know it's a fleet of advertising booths and corporate sponsors, along with the usual oiled up dancing guys, PFLAG families, marchers, drag queens, and dykes on bikes.
Kraft Foods for Pride!
Red Bull for energy-drink-uppers-mixed-with-alcohol-downers for Pride!
BioScrip Pharmacy for refilling your meds and Pride!
American Laser Centers for a chest-hair-free America and Pride!
YAAAY WE'RE GAY and we're, um, totally telling these companies what we...um, want!
Here's my monies!
You, um, make that rainbow silicone bracelet!
Mos, for years, I've done whatever the magic wallet-opening rainbow symbol told me to do.
But last year, during the Dyke March, we walked past a bar with this in its window:
And a liiiiiiiittle seedling of suspicion was planted.
These people were now all for gay pride?
Me and my HRC checkbook were suddenly...not buying it.
On the one hand: There's the rainbow! Green light for spending! Drink this (disgusting) beer!
On the other: Hey....waitaminute...
Or were they really just interested in selling more beer?
The magic wallet-opening symbol wasn't working on me anymore.
Now that I think about it, tricks, I'm appalled at my lack of sophistication.
I write copy for a living.
How did I fall so easily for this?
Was it because I was really so excited to have my gayness
recognized and included that any attention was good attention?
Did y'all see through this shit a long time ago?