Sunday, May 1, 2011

Stage Fright

What's up, spelunkers?

Do you know what's embarrassing?  

When a Google search pops up suggestions for you automatically. 
Because I have a bad memory, I have my work and home computer settings customized to save some of my most recent searches. 

This helps me remember what I was last thinking about, because if I get interrupted - say, someone IMs me at work to see if I want to get an iced coffee or CJ starts yelling that the golden finch is back out on the roof again - whatever I was working on is gone forever.   
[via girlswholikegirls]
At work, this computer history thing is fine.  

I look through a list of recent searches when I come back from getting coffee, and a list pops up that looks like this: 

Mythical monsters
is the minotaur good or evil
famous love affairs
Shakespeare's middle name

and I go, "Ohhhh yeah, I was trying to write a joke about well-known mythological Greek romances that ended badly!"

and happily settle down to work.  Thanks, Google!

But at home, when I'm looking for pictures for this mess, Google Images just saves my popular searches for each letter typed. 

Tonight, I typed the letter "a", intending to search for pictures of the word "androgynous," and the first word that popped up was "androgynous." 
[by helmut newton]
I laughed.
Man, does Google know me.

Just to see what I got, I typed "b." 

The first suggestion was "butch."

"C" got me "craigslist," and then...

I kid you not, my first fucking suggestion for "d" was "dildos shaped like Virgin Mary." 

You guys, Google thinks I'm a slut. 
[via loftytales]
Anyway! Remember last week, when I told you about my experience gaining a family in the homo community?  

Remember when I told you all the things I learned from the queers?

Well, someone named k.i.g had a question.

K.i.g., who has Asperger's Syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder, noticed that I said I learned about what drama meant in the queer community.

K.i.g. wrote to me hoping for a clear definition of drama.

A way to categorize and file the word 'drama' away, so k.i.g. could clearly identify drama and avoid it in a social setting.

I'd love to, k.i.g.!
(via rachel louise.)

AHAHAHAHAHA but that's not how drama works.

You can't just file away drama! You can't just neatly categorize drama!

Drama categorizes you!

That's what we're talking about here today, sluts.  

Today we have a momentous undertaking. 

We're going to try to define drama.

What is drama?


A sneaky bitch, drama remains an incredibly vague, nebulous word, at once encompassing the smallest details of life while simultaneously covering vast, overarching portions of social interactions. 

Everyone has drama.  
Queers, straights - everyone.

But 'drama' is a word tossed around by the queer community, especially the lesbian community, so often that it's become shorthand.  

Completely overused.
[via tinyambitions]
Let's use the shorthand in a sentence!

"Hey, what's up with Nicole?  I just saw her crying outside."

"Oh, you know. Drama with Alexis."

Boom! 'Nuff said.

What's up with Nicole?

That's what.

Drama can be tiny.
"Dude, and then she was dancing up on me, and I was like, 'I already told you I wasn't into you!'"

Drama can be middling and annoying.
"Manny won't stop texting me. Jesus."

Drama can be big.
"I can't believe you're doing this to me right now, Sasha! I just can't believe you...shit, now I'm crying!  I'm at work, you always pull this shit when I'm at work!"

Drama can be huge.
"I can't break up with her because I think she might do something..."
[via ohcardigan]

Drama is everything to everyone, but especially lesbians.

'Cause, you know, we all, um, have a lot of feelings.
[via lesfemmes]

Classically, women are portrayed as the communicators in a relationship.  

We share. We analyze.  We share some more.

We're taught to be open about our feelings!

[via hellogirls]
So what happens when you get two communicators in a relationship together?

You're looking at "The State of Our Relationship" talks that last far into the night.

But not all women, and certainly not all lesbians are like this. 

Some girls, like me, don't wanna talk about the relationship. Ever.
I would actually rather gnaw off my own pinkies.

But usually, at least one person in the relationship has a lot of feelings.
[via petalspuppet]
And my god, does she want to share. 
The feelings must get processed. 

The feelings have to go somewhere, goddammit, and a goddamn journal sure as hell ain't gonna do it!!!
[by elnettlung]
Enter drama.

Really, what is it? 

Drama is something or someone in your personal life that is totally interfering with your regular life.  
[via daytripper15]
Drama is your phone blowing up. 
Drama is screaming fights in public. 
Drama is all your friends having to choose sides in a war between you and your ex.  

Shall I go on?
[via wallofbooks]
Drama on the phone.  
Drama coming by the office.  
Old lovers who are now friends but still vaguely attractive, somehow.  
Women who wanna date your girlfriend.  
Dykes who can't take a hint.  
Lesbians with an obsessive crush.  

Gayelles who date their friends, dykes who sleep with their roommates, open relationships, coffee dates with ex-fuck buddies, girls who say mean shit and drop names.
[via rotmienciso]
In every city, the lesbian community ain't that big. 

Like malaria, drama usually gets its start in a swampy, hot, over-humid society - too much bad air and unhealthy stagnant water.

Too many dykes that know each other.  
Not a fresh breath for miles.

I wanted to help k.i.g. pin down drama, though.  

I wanted to do it in one perfect, pithy sentence.
But I couldn't do it alone! 
This was enormous!  
I hadn't even eaten breakfast yet!

So I sent out a mass text to all the lesbians in my phone book.  
It said:

Hello! If you're getting this annoying mass text, it's because you're a queer. Can you define the word "drama" in one sentence for me?  Any help would be appreciated, thaaaaanks!

I also posted this on facebook, asking dykes to message me.
[via ohcardigan]
Holeeeee sheeee-it, I was not prepared for the flood of drama definitions that suddenly hit my phone. 

A flood! 
Tons of replies! Here was a topic everyone had some experience in!

Some of the replies were really fucking graphic.  
Some were really sad.  

And some made me laugh because I knew, um, who they were about. 
[thanks j.l.]

Here's just a tiny sliver of what lesbians sent me:

Drama is knowing that you're right and wanting to make sure that everyone knows it.

Drama is getting shunned by the dyke community because you cheated on your girlfriend and somehow everyone knows.

Drama is having a great night at home, staying in, then waking up with a phone full of sobbing drunk "why won't you be with me?" voicemails and your inbox jammed with 47 text messages.

Drama is having all exits to the building blocked by exes.

Drama is giving your girlfriend your 'universal' secret password to everything - i.e. ATM, facebook, email, etc. - then breaking up badly.

Drama is changing your phone number six times in one year.

Drama is fucking your 'straight' roommate while you're both drunk, then having to move out because it's so uncomfortable.

Drama is a fistfight.  On the dance floor.  On your birthday.

Drama is breaking up and continuing to live together because of the lease.

Drama is dividing up favorite hangouts during a breakup, then one person deciding "fuckit, there's only a couple of dyke hangouts in town."

Drama is combining your finances with someone you haven't known for more than five years.

Drama is your ex calling you up while screaming, crying, and cutting herself while you're on a date with somebody new.
Sorry, too dark?

Sluts, I chose these from more than 200 responses. 

[via lesfemmes]
Wheeeeee juuuuust another day in the life of dyke drama!

I'm not sure why lesbians like drama so much. 
All relationships involve some drama, but lesbians take it to a whole new level.
(via lyona)
After dating women for eight years or so, and participating in some uncomfortably serious drama myself, I've learned a few key things about drama:

1) A little dyke drama is inevitable.  
Comes with the territory.

2) There are warning signs to help you avoid this shit.
My personal red flag is: 

When on a first date, if a woman tells you, "I don't like drama," then it's a pretty good bet that she's. into. drama.

If a girl puts "I don't like drama" right on her Facebook page, right on her Okcupid profile, or right on her Craigslist ad, then guess what? 

She's a magnet for drama.
 (by roblsenior)
She's seen enough drama to last her a lifetime.  

'Cause why would she feel the need to state, up-front, how much she hates drama?

She's been engaging in it.

She may not like it, she may hate it, but she actively participates in it.

But - it's not her fault, right? 
Some people just seem to attract drama!

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Y'allfags, we all have chronically dramatic friends.  

So many dykes shrug their shoulders and go, "I hate drama, it just seems to happen to me, though."
[via alexshark]
And you know what?

Things don't just "happen" to us. 

An original problem may crop up and happen to us, but WE MAKE AN ACTIVE CHOICE whether or not to participate.

[via cellinarovella]

Original Problem:

A girl is in obsessive love with you.  
You went out on a bunch of dates, but in the end, you don't want to be with her.  
She doesn't understand how she could be so in love with you without you feeling the same way.

She texts you 103 times.
Calls you 61 times in one day.  

It's driving you insane.
[via stepymay]

Drama Escalator, or, How To Make Things A Helluva Lot Worse: 

Exhausted and furious, you finally give in and answer the damn phone.  
But! only to yell at her and say "Stop calling me, I never want to talk to you again, get it through your head!"

But...what did you just do?  

You answered the phone.  
You say you don't want to talk to her, but what are you doing?


All this teaches her is that it costs 61 phone calls to finally hear the melodious sound of your voice.

She will keep doing it.  
And it's going to get worse. 

Drama DEscalator, or, How To Make Things Way Less Interesting: 

Put your phone on silent, or change the ring to a special one for the obsessor. 

Just don't answer. 

For any reason. 
[via namasteshane]
She cannot keep calling you 61 times a day.  
At some point, she has got to eat.  

Block her on Facebook, ignore her completely, avoid places you know she hangs out.

If you're bugged enough, change your phone number. 

It's a hassle, and it's not fair, and you shouldn't have to do it, but it's not as much of a hassle as having your phone ring thousands of times a day for months on end.
(via ysa pérez)


Folks, The Gift of Fear taught me this: if someone is obsessing about you, or can't take a hint, or calling/texting you a hundred times a day, or showing up at your job, or spreading rumors about you, or just basically engaging in stalkerish, fucked-up behaviors with you, it is not because there is something particularly amazing about you.  
You're special, wonderful, and hot, but - no offense? - this is not about you being sooo special/wonderful/hot.

If someone is obsessing, really fucking obsessing over you, it is because there's something wrong with them.
[via int3rnationalquich3]
Not being able to take social cues, not listening when you say you're not interested...these are clues.  

Not clues that you're so amazing that people want to stalk you.
[via itspinupbaby]
These are clues that there's something off about your obsessor.
Faggettes, do not be flattered that someone thinks you're worthy of stalking. 

Run the other way.

Now, drama does happen to innocent people.  

This I know.

But you can choose what you do with the situation.

[via basiumis]
What's your definition of drama?


  1. Drama is your ex, your new girl mentioning the ex or the fact that you and your ex are totally cool now but now that everyone is talking about it ohmigawd what do I do?

  2. What you said about not picking up the phone and blocking the person from your life? TOTALLY TRUE. It's actually what's recommended by companies who do risk assessment (and by the book The Gift of Fear). It is NEVER a good idea to engage a stalker (or most other drama-creating people). <3

  3. Drama is the identity confused cute best friend who is always cuddling with you and who you really want to fuck...if she weren't such a giant disrespectful untrustworthy bitch to you all the time. I don't know how I can tell her I hate you but you're hot and before we stop talking to each other forever I think we should have sex. AWKWARD.

  4. Drama is having your girlfriend cheat on you, you finding out, and her breaking up with you. Then when she gets bored of sex with the other girl, she wants to come back to you.

  5. Drama is dating your sister's husband's brother's ex wife. Nuff said.

  6. Drama is finally realizing something you should have figured out twenty years ago, only now it's too late and anyway you're too old for that shit. No, wait. That's not drama. That's just pathetic. :(

  7. Drama is going to the bar and running into four different people you have fucked.

  8. Drama is life interfering when you just want to do your own thing.

  9. Drama is being the other woman while they are still in love with the one they are cheating on but you're too in love to stop the madness and they're too horny to stop. Oh dykes.. Will you find an antidote to the drama? Please? Will pay you in bunnies or quickies..

  10. this is completely going on in my life.
    pretty much sums up how we started dating.

    this relationship needs to be over, and I am totally encouraging it.

    holy shit.

    wow. very nice post.

  11. Drama is having to make all new friends every year because your friends from last year will not put up with your BS anymore. I've known you three years now and I've seen this pattern three times. Should have known about you when we met; you asked me to lie and say you were stabbed to some guys you were hot over. That first year I tried to help you. After we fell out, I've watched you self-implode many times but I learned my lesson.

    I still get a hard knot in the pit of my stomach whenever I get a text from you. I will not be sucked down again.

  12. Drama is sleeping with your best guy friend and then his girlfriend in a two week span.

  13. drama results when people you care about do things that hurt you but refuse to acknowledge they've done anything wrong. Drama happens when people get defensive without listening to the other person. Drama takes hold of your life and refuses to let go. Drama absorbs all of your attention and makes it impossible to do anything else. Drama is when people aren't honest with themselves and then try to deceive everyone else.

  14. drama is her blaming you for her getting pregnant when she slept with some random at a party. and you've been broken up for over seven months.

  15. Drama is when your sociopathic, sexist, racist, maladjusted, self-obsessed ex worms their way back into your life every.single.fucking.time you think you've escaped.

  16. Drama is finding a new sports team because you played softball with your ex and she's not leaving the team.

  17. Drama is what I have had TOO fucking much of since I jumped the fence and figured out that I like chicks.

    The details of the last time my EX-girlfriend screamed at me in public can be found on my blog.

    I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon.

  18. Drama is when you get cheated on because "the girl with terminal cancer didn't care about my genital herpes outbreaks."

  19. Drama is when friend one comes up to tell you about how friend two fucked friend three's ex girlfriend and that ex then went and fucked friend four's newest fling without telling her but now friend two feels guilty and tries to talk to friend four, which led her to realize that she was center of all this drama...and then they all come crying to you.

  20. Wait, was Chupachups actually talking to Krista?

  21. Drama is dropping by the bar you just left to inform that your friends that you walked a wasted friend home, finding your other friends ranting outside the bar when you get there because the bouncer won't let them back in and then getting stuck listening to another drunk dyke that you don't recognize rant to you without context because they're obsessed with the girl you're casually fucking. Mostly stating, "I'm just a nice normal girl, I'm not into the whole nonmonogamy thing... I haven't slept with any of your friends..." and ending with "There's your friend, shouldn't you go talk to her? Won't she be mad?"

  22. (RE: x2 previous post = doubtful)

    DRAMA is the next day.
    If lesbians, alcohol, dancing, speaking, and cell phones involved, the ONLY answer to the "how was last night?" question at the coffee shop is "DRAMATIC."

    And we love it! We really do! If there is none, we make sure that someone somewhere has some that we can at least talk about.
    Don't know why. But it's kind of a good time.

  23. Drama is this weird hobby that all the gals love to engage in...and if you just don' might as well be from another planet.

    But...why can't we just talk about health care reform?

  24. drama is going to the club and making out with your girl friend, when you aren't even sure you're a full fagette yet.

  25. Drama is being a man...and dating two different girls...who are dating each other.

  26. Drama is an avoidable and negative social situation.

    Examples of Not Drama:
    Death in the family. Death at all. Addiction in the family. Most situations that lead to police involvement.

    Examples of Drama:
    Relationship situations being seriously taken out of proportion. Friends being pulled into a couple's relationship situation. Friends being pulled into a couple's break up. Friends screwing over other friends for their own benefit. BUT MOST OF ALL, DRAMA IS ONE OR BOTH SIDES CONSTANT NEED TO RESPOND. DRAMA IS A CHOICE.

    Also, amen to your observation of, "if they say they hate drama, they fuckin' love it." One of my good friends, I love her dearly, but she always 1) is talking about how she hates drama and 2) IS ALWAYS IN SOME CRAZY ASS SITUATION. Only with age and experience have I learned not to get pulled into her little batshit crazy world.

  27. "drama results when people you care about do things that hurt you but refuse to acknowledge they've done anything wrong." WORD.

  28. Drama is wanting to be with someone more than anything. Finally getting them, having a wonderful relationship..and then figuring out that you might be more suited to be really good friends and having a crush on their friend/ex but keeping your mouth shut because you don't want to hurt anyone and rather suffer in silence.

  29. I don't know why I burst out laughing at 'At some point, she has got to eat.'

    Pretty sure my mind just went to... 'eat whaaaat?'

    /immature humour is the best

  30. Drama is when you wake up one morning and you realize that everyone in your life - your girlfriend, all your friends and even your family - make you miserable as hell, but you continue to include them in your life.

  31. This comment has been removed by the author.

  32. sooo, in hawaiian culture there's this thing called ho'oponopono. It's basically a form of community talk therapy, it's goal is for everybody to come together, vent their feelings about the situation and how it should be solved and "made right" basically, finding common ground. It is a way to relieve stress and is done to help anything from family/neighborhood disputes, to when someone is constantly sick. It's a form of holistic healing, through communication.

    From this concept, I kind of gather Drama is when someone or someones do not care about making the situation right with themselves or with the other people involved, and basically do not want to discover the source of the problem, do not want to heal, and would like to continue whatever vicious cycle of abuse the current situation causes/is caused by.

    My apologies for this not being witty, cute, funny, or inspiring the words "oh shit" to spontaneously pop out of your mouth.

  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

  34. @Anonymous: No, God no, I was not talking about Krista with my comment. But if I was, THAT would be drama ... But no. I love Krista. She is helping me so much, navigating through this world where I feel like such a noob.

  35. Drama is showing up to the LGBTQ group at your college and realizing you've hooked up with every single woman in the room.

  36. Drama is when people try to get their needs met through means other than asking nicely and directly.

  37. Drama is when your ex moves to a different country, you start dating someone else, move in together and about 8 months later your ex moves back to your city and into an apartment DIRECTLY behind the house where you and your partner are living. true story.

  38. (oh god. I am totally that person who says they hate drama and then get involved in it. It's true though, I DO hate it. it's just that when I hate something I think I can make it go away by getting involved (hence why I have so many arguments with people about stuff like sexist language) which is obviously bullshit. You cannot be involved in drama and cure it. Case in point, your stalker example.

    Another example: a friend's relationship going to shit but said friend staying with the guy despite constant arguments. You cannot make them break up. They will never break up. And so you will have 'drama' every time you go out with them and every time you bring up the dude until SHE decides to end it. So don't try and solve the drama by giving advice - it just perpetuates it and you get dragged in.

    /end of private epiphany

    Personal definition: Drama is when you are bored and misery looks more entertaining than happiness.

  39. ugh. drama is your psychotic ex approaching your new girlfriend at the gay bar and introducing herself by a completely different name so that she can fuck with aforementioned (and wonderfully kind and innocent) girlfriend...don't worry though. we were there with her brother who stealthily went over to save her from god knows what :)

    (a year later we STILL tend to back away slowly when we spot the psycho from across the bar)

  40. Sometimes drama is when you don't share your feelings enough. Like when your girlfriend is doing something damaging-to-your-relationship-but-maybe-not-actually-wrong and you don't say anything about it (because you don't want to create drama), but the pressure of not saying anything is killing you so you start sort of talking about it but not really, which drives your girlfriend crazy and makes the drama she was creating into a much bigger, longer dramatic episode which you are now responsible for.

    (Wow, this is almost as good as PostSecret!)

  41. overcompensation + tumblr = drama

  42. Drama is your best friend outing you to your ex boyfriend, lying to you about it, cheating on your other best friend with said ex who was also dating someone else, she's in a ton of classes with you, and then both of them going to one of your performances just to mess with your head.

  43. Drama is when you go out to lunch with a friend and her bff only to find out later in a flurry of text messages and phone calls that your friend's bff is your ex's ex. Who cares? Everyone is an ex or a friend, who cares!?

  44. Drama is a series of uncomfortable events that occur when adults are acting unnecessary and viciously childish in interpersonal relationships.

    Well, that's my definition; as for hating drama, I'm serious when I say that. I never take sides, never play "games", never try to manipulate, never feed the drama queens, never start anything like that, and so on. It's just not worth it, so I try to avoid participation at all costs. :/

  45. drama is when a girl continuously hits on your girlfriend EVEN when you're STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HER and blows up her SMS behind your back for weeks trying to break you up and in the meantime is at every club making out with everything with an edgy haircut as if dykes' mouths are air and she isn't getting enough of it.

  46. This is a GREAT post. Thank you.

    I thought there was drama in my life (e.g. recent entries on my blog)... but after reading this... you know what? My life is pretty boring, desperately balanced and totally healthy.

    Whenever someone becomes dramatic with me, I'm long gone. I avoid it like the plague. Way too spooky for me.

    Whenever I feel drama inside of me (let's admit it, we all have), I DO write about it at length (e.g. same aforementioned blog), but I make sure the target of my obsession never learns how bad it is. Eventually, it goes away. Dignity intact.

  47. hey DOUCHE BAG DYKE the reason she showed up at your work is because you broke up with her when she said she loved you, then though you claimed to be her best friend spent years plotting to steal her new g/f, and now you won't return her calls, all of your shared friends are drawing party lines, and she can't go to any of her queer hang outs because DUH there's only like 2 in the entire goddamned city you both live in. Why is the freaking out girl to blame for this? Of course she's freaking the fuck out DOUCHE BAG!

  48. Drama is buying a condo and then breaking up six months later and then having to live together until the condo sells and then having her mom diagnosed with cancer and then you being on the verge of losing your job.
    And it's true, you CAN avoid drama. That little voice in the back of your mind that says, "You don't want this and you should break up with her" is RIGHT. Listen to it before you find yourself locked in your room listening to her cry herself to sleep.

  49. DRAMA is realizing that the lesbian community (in any city) is the size of a microdot and if you have slept with ONE of have slept with ALL of us.


    DRAMA is walking down Bourbon St., on your way home from work and finding your first high school girlfriend dancing in the window of a strip club. (this really happened)

  50. drama is when your 17 and your girlfriend of 4 months proposes to you, and your just waiting for your mum to kill you when she finds out you said yes

  51. dismantled said...

    Drama is being a man...and dating two different girls...who are dating each other.


  52. Drama is talking to your friend (who is staying with you for the weekend from out of town) about your current roommate's past relationship with her recent ex-girlfriend only to find out that she never knew her relationship with said ex-gf was "open" (oh and that ex-gf is one of your good friends too of course!)

  53. Drama is losing your girlfriend to your best friend... on your birthday. (Here's to hoping this year sucks less!) :)

  54. I'm picturing that old cartoon "Love is..." except it says "Drama is.." and it's drawn by Alison Bechdel and instead of being boring, it makes me laugh so hard that bits of my liver come out of my nose.

    Drama: the thing that happens when you want to pull in the opposite direction the other person wants to push.
    Interpersonal tension when you are just waiting for that big ole rubber band to snap on your tender bits.
    That bad bad bad feeling you get when you see Krista eating her pinkies off and it's all your fault. (Sorry, CJ!)

  55. Sounds like "douche bag dyke" has a case of the crazies!

  56. Drama is breaking up with your long term boyfriend to finally take the plunge with your secret lesbo lover who has done nothing but pledge her undying love for you... then when you tell her that you're ready to be with her she replies with " oh I just don't think I can be faithful in relationship right now". Only a week later to find her in a new relationship with one of her random groupies from her drag shows. That might be bad karma on my part for being shady... but eh.

  57. Great post! Everything seemed so spot-on! Ha, I wish you could have given us more of your friend's definitions for drama.

    Drama is when you get involved with a group of people who live by talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, and dreaming, often all in one day.

  58. Drama is when shit happens and one or both parties refuse to act like adults, take responsibility for what they've done, and apologize.

  59. haha awesome post and great defnitions

    drama can definitely be caused by nto doing anythign. Like when your friend realizes a guy likes her but instead of addressing it stays silent and then doesn't understand why he won't go away.

    *also sometimes not answering the phone isn't the right response. answer it after 2 rings, not sixty. explain the situation or listen to them and then if that doesn't fix things ignore the phone

    in other matters I posted last week that we should have a forum so I made one: Go to and look up effingdykes in the forum directory. I think you can comment and read as a guest, if not I'll try to fix that when my life settles a bit and you just need to register-its free

    ooh fancy I'm gonna attempt to put the link as my url int he signature

  60. Drama is the what happens when boredom gets botulism. It's all normal and bottled up, we're living life and being content. Then, oops, little dent (minor incident, see an ex, step on a toe, whatevs). Next thing you know, blammo! festering, slimy ickiness oozing it's stinky way into every crease, crack and crevice of your life making and everyone you know bloaty, feaverish, pukey and generally evil.

  61. I don't have a drama episode to contribute but got sad news today and really needed a good laugh so wanted to say thank you. Love this blog. The bunny pic made me laugh out loud.

  62. Wow. I just realized I've been the stalker. I called. I texted. I emailed. In my defense, I really, really thought she was just scared because the night before she dumped me she told me she loved me. Yikes.

    I feel like a fool. A big, stalker fool. Although I never went to her house, or drove by her office or followed her anywhere. Somehow that doesn't make me feel better.

  63. Drama is a lack of honesty from some party. Drama is sad, but sometimes entertaining! And then drama gets old and boring, and sad again.

  64. drama is finding a picture of a much younger ex lover posted here.

  65. This was an excellent post. Amusing yet informative. Having read The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker (and every woman should), it's good to see you touting it here. Good on you.

  66. Drama is still reallyreally liking your ex, who is also your best friend, who happens to be in some form of love with your other best friend who isn't in love/like with anyone and wants everyone to go away.

  67. Drama is an inability to let go, and a need for others to know how hurt you feel (and take your side).

  68. Drama is being angry that your ex is still wearing the jewelry you gave her two years after she dumped you.

  69. Drama is the act of avoiding drama. Like when you are friends with your Ex's friends and you rely on them telling you when you can and cannot go to a bar because your Ex will be there.

    Another example of drama is when one friend is cheating on her girlfriend that you are friends with, and is screwing with one chick that another friend really likes. And then that chick gets really drunk and starts dry humping your leg in front of your friend that really likes her while you stand there thinking FML.

    That wasn't confusing at all.

  70. "Drama is getting shunned by the dyke community because you cheated on your girlfriend and somehow everyone knows."

    EFF MY LYFE. Holla.

  71. Drama is when I need to put on my therapist face outside of work.

  72. Drama is having a series of terrible options and spending three hours getting drunk just so you can choose the one you think is the least awful.

  73. Drama is when the police have a "nice little" talk with the girl you cheated on your boyfriend with, because he insisted on you filing a complaint. Drama is having to see her at work for 3 months afterwards.

    No drama is coming out and apologizing a year and a half later.

  74. I think this sums it up....

  75. or rather this...

  76. Drama is finding out your ex girl friends a sociopath when her psycologist comes to your apartment cause she has turned up to her sessions in a while after shes left you taking most of your stuff and clothes and passport while youve been in hospital. and set her name wasnt Grace oh and she set another ex girls friends place on fire

  77. Vanvan.vanCOUVerMay 3, 2011 at 11:35 AM

    Drama is a definition we give to aspects of our life, but we all have to admit, life is pretty awesome right?

  78. I like to call dyke drama 'Lesbionics'.

  79. Oh, fuck. I'm going to be a 'drama is...' combo-breaker and just say that I'm apparently the one with ~feelings~ in my relationship. But to be fair, my girlfriend is the Japanese closeted daughter of a politician and doesn't feel comfortable talking about her lesbifeelings. AH WELL I'M JUST GLAD TO KNOW THAT IT'S NORMAL AND I'M NOT AN OVEREMOTIONAL PAIN IN THE ASS. OR, WELL, I MIGHT BE AN OVEREMOTIONAL PAIN IN THE ASS BUT MAYBE I'M NOT RARE IN THAT.

  80. Drama is walking out of miserable relationship after 2 years and realizing that you're 2 years older and not moved an inch in your life (or moved backwards). Plus she still loves you and texts 'I miss you' and shit.

  81. Drama is when you are dating the son of the pastor of the only church in your small town and then break up with him because you realize you're a lesbian. He, of course, doesn't take this well and spreads it all around town and everywhere you go you either get someone telling you you're going to hell or that they're "praying for you." Then his SISTER, of all people, comes by to tell you she's sorry her brother was such an ass and she hopes you're not feeling too terrible and ohyeahbythewaylikesgirlstoo... and you hook up... and decide to start secretly dating...

    This is all hypothetical of course.

  82. Okay, well, this just has to be said: You know, Krista, if you actually said, "Yo, bitches, you should read Gavin De Becker's A Gift Of Fear because it could save your life, or the life of someone you know"...and you actually saved a life (Nicola Griffith did post so)...that would be an awesome awesome as this blog...which I love.

  83. Drama? It's when people just aren't satisfied with the current events and they think they need to spice things up a bit.
    I don't lead a really exciting life, and I'm just new to the lesbian world - I've known it myself for only over a year. I didn't realize lesbians can be drama queens! I feel sheltered from this world! LOL

  84. Drama is having a secret relationship while both of you being in the closet, then breaking up and having your ex threatening you with telling everyone about your gender preferences...

    I am really young and starting with this whole relationships deal, and I really thank you for your advice, Krista (:

    This post in particular has left me with a lot to think about.

  85. Drama is speaking or acting without thinking and not being willing or able to directly face the consequences.

  86. Drama is resembling a well known lesbian that gets around. At your first pride a cute french girl hits on you. Then cute french girl's psycho friend and her gang threatens you because "you" slept with her ex and aren't worthy of cute french girl.

    Thus you end up alone in an alley at 2am without the cute french girl, some serious issues and no fucking clue what happened.

  87. Drama is openly loving one girl for 2 years. This girl who is your closest friend, 'straight', breaks your heart constantly, fucks with your head daily, has stood you up every single time you've made plans, flirts with you more than is usually accepted amongst friends, asks you to kiss her then blows you off because it will make her feel guilty when she sees her boyfriend, tells you she loves you more than anyone else, says that you have many physical traits as all the boys she's dated the only thing missing is the penis, then, recently and finally comes out to you as 'bi curious' as soon as you tell her you've finally become interested in someone else and all the romantic feelings for her are gone. And as soon as she tells you this, these feelings you thought were gone come rushing back ten-fold and make you want her to say that you're the reason she started liking girls and that she wants to be together. But knowing her, she'll just build you up to let you down... crushing =/

  88. Drama is being in a relationship with the most amazing girl in the world and not being able to tell your family(who you are very close to) because they are ultra Mormon and would most likely disown you.

    Drama is knowing that you are eventually going to have to choose one because you can't have both and it is breaking your heart.

  89. Drama is fucking the gorgeous boi who approached you in the bar saying you're the hottest chick there for weeks before she tells you that she has a long term gf, but its ok cause she's overseas right now. And being stupid enough to believe that cause her cuteness overrides any logical thinking you might do.

    And then finding out that said gf has kids that call hot boi "Mama". Ick.

  90. Lacking lesbian drama here. This doesn't mean life is stress and heartbreak free. I'm growing old with someone, turning 45 this year, caring for said someone's elderly parents who need a LOT of help, working full time and am part of a family of origin that mostly thinks Prop 8 was a good idea. The upside, Stability, grown up daughters and coming home exhausted to a wife and 3 dogs. 11th anniversary this summer.

  91. Tobymstep (okcupid)May 4, 2011 at 12:04 PM

    Okcupid shout out!!! Fuck yeah! (tobymstep...hit me up).

    Is letting them down easy and nicely saying that you're not interested out of the question?? I wouldn't know, I've never been the object of someone's obsession.

    Congrats Sappist (the entry above mine). 11 years! That's awesome!

  92. WOOOW! ....the responses to this post...we really are drama! Madd drama! I think part of it is, all girls enjoy drama to some extent. Whether they admit it or not. Even if you're an innocent know you like it somewhere deep inside.

  93. I've given this 'prompt' much thought...
    Drama is the outcome when people engage in critical or otherwise negative dialog about others. The dialog does not have to be explicitly negative, as many times the negativity is implied via sarcasm, tone, facial expressions, etc. Although not always obvious, drama originates from lack of full self-respect (which very few of us possess). Having had my fair share of drama , I now make a conscious effort to surround myself with people who clearly value themselves and who very rarely, if ever, mention others in a negative way. Marring the monthly PMS tantrum, I'm happy to say the my life is pretty damn drama-free :-)

  94. Anyone else notice the overwhelming majority of commenters here are "Anonymous", whereas most other posts have people using a name? I guess if you have drama, you don't want to be recognized.

    I have to say, though, as someone recently recognizing her attraction to women later in life, this is totally depressing. A few wrote that they have enduring relationships, but are the majority just messed up and don't treat each other right?

  95. What is spot on?

    You are right, "if someone says, "no to the drama" they LOVE it.
    LOVE IT.

  96. Drama is posting a comment on Autostraddle about how the sex was terrible with your ex, that you're still friends with and who you didn't know knew you're username, and then her confronting you about it and then you have to have the conversation for the HUNDRETH time about how important the clit is.

    Drama is run-on sentences and poor grammar.


    The second half was kind of not as awesome as the first half, but I love that you are espousing the total undeniable genius of de-escalation and refusal to engage.


    Boundaries are your friends.
    Love them.
    Nuzzle them.
    Make them strong.
    Learn to recognize when they no longer serve you.

    That is all.


    I saw this and thought of you! You've messed with my psyche, Krista!

  99. Drama having sex in the bed that is three feet from the bed where the girl who you know has feelings for you (and that you admitted to have feelings for) is 'sleeping'.

    Hint, when her roommate you're fucking is a giggler and a talker, she's not sleeping.

  100. Drama is your ex running away from their job to take a bus to the opposite coast just to call you to tell you they're going to commit suicide. Then coming back and stalking all social networking sites including a 12 tweet rant about all the things you would give/do to get back together. Then calling in the middle of the night to the point where the number is blocked through the network provider along with all other means of interaction. Then, as a last resort, making a mutual friend text me on their behalf.

    All the while I've been with my current girlfriend while this has been going down. FUN.

  101. drama is reading a post on drama and then bragging about all of your drama in the comments section.

  102. Bullshit. Drama. is. bullshit.

  103. Omg some of these have really made me laugh!

    Drama is......this lesbian who is friends with this girl I REALLY like but I go to a different school than her. Online she pretended to 'act' nice and like she wanted to be my friend. She never talked to me but sent me several friend requests. Then when my crush (who is also her friend) and I had a fight her true colors show. I have never talked to this girl before but she comes up to me one day and tells me she has feelings for her and calls me all kinds of horrible names saying I'm ugly, pathetic, etc. Meanwhile my crush is like an idiot and is friends with her and talks about things with her including me because she doesn't know how she really is. This girl basically plays her and acts like she is such a caring friend and innocent when she's probably just trying to get information and is jealous of us the whole time. On top of all this she also starts a rumor saying I harrass her (when the truth is She was basically harrassing me!) and tells it to ppl in charge so I get in trouble. After she attacks me verbally online calling me ugly etc she has the audacity to ask me to go on camera so she can see what I look like.

    She tells ppl I'm not friends with her because I'm jealous of her relationship with my crush and even tries to start rumors about me that are complete lies.

    Most ppl would probably Never believe she would do or say this to me let alone my crush

  104. OMG I love The Gift of Fear. One of my favorite books of all time. I even recognized that you were referencing it before you said that you were! It should be mandatory reading for everyone.

  105. Drama is fucking your (supposedly straight) roommate the second day you meet her, having things go wrong, and finding out later that she made her rounds throughout the entire dorm.

  106. Drama is the morning after.

  107. Drama is having a roommate come out of the closet, you falling in love with a mutual (female) friend, stealing her thunder by coming out about the relationship, and realizing that she's so upset because she might have had feelings for you.
    Then add on the more drama because you're terrified she might hurt herself, more than she does already - But having to accept the fact that she no longer will ever speak to you again. And dealing with the guilt of not realizing what you were doing to her for that long.

  108. love the bunny image at the end!!!!

  109. drama is when you're finally happy with someone else, the previously-unreceptive/unresponsive crush of 4 months ago suddenly wants to "reconnect".

  110. Drama, for me: trying to air your feelings out on what you consider a safe space and your ex-girlfriend comes out of nowhere, demanding you stop talking about her (even if you were under the impression you two weren't speaking for an indeterminable amount of time.)

  111. Thank you! I've been trying to figure out what drama was ever since coming out. I'm such a newby in dating, but old in other ways. I hate how awkward and confused dating makes me...a fifteen year old stuck in a thirty year old's body. I hated being fifteen the first time.

    I am currently crushing on someone who isn't that into me, but when I told her straight up she said it was ok and she liked spending time with me. But then there was a text that sounded like it was meant for her ex(ish). And there was her not noticing that I stopped texting her much at all.

    But when I ran across things that reminded me of her, I still texted and within a few hours, she'd text back. The day came when the concert she'd invited me to, but then sorta backed out of, but never told me whether or not she was going came. I went anyway. I sent her a note that she needed to make the next move and I would stop reaching out to her.

    I sincerely hope I don't fit the stalker profile on here. One or two texts a day, responded to, is not stalking? Still, I feel vey bad I sent said emotional email the night before her hardest final exam...which is why she couldn't go to the concert (but was it so much to ask that she just remember to tell me advance that she couldn't go?)

  112. Drama is interpersonal conflict that has been unnecessarily publicized or prolonged.

  113. Drama is being in love with your polyamorous friend who *ALSOLIKESYOU* but won't be with you "not because you're not enough- don't think you're not enough" but because she doesn't know if it would be an better than the situation at present which is *being friends while her girlfriend is dating two girls*

  114. Drama is having your first lesbian sex experience with the girl you have a crush on and her ex-girlfriend, who she still likes and who has a crush on you.

  115. Drama is walking away from the woman you're falling for because she's destroying herself and determined to take you with her. Drama is knowing she hates you and hoping she's ok.

  116. Honestly I think "Drama is a fistfight. On the dance floor. On your birthday." is the best definition of Drama I have ever seen! Nice blog. The Aspie girl's blog led me here to yours.


  118. Wait. Why when I type in "Never put...", does my google pop up with "Never put your trust in a man"?

  119. Drama is finding out your girlfriend cheated on you. With your two best friends. At the same time.

  120. Drama is when you're a lesbian, but your girlfriend is not.

    Extra drama points if you're a lesbian, but your girlfriend is Sarah Palin.

  121. Drama is breaking up with your live in lover in the middle of a lease... That both of your names is on.

    Talk about awkward =/

  122. Drama is a controlling girlfriend, like Portlandia's cacao skit! ( "Water splashed up on her and she got SO WET. God, she was just dripping wet." Then, a text arrives, "Cacao!"

  123. While I think this entry and the comments are perfect and amazing, I think it would be good to have a follow-up on the Douchebag Dyke, and how that encourages drama.

  124. I'm GASPING for my next effing dykes fix. I hate when a week turns into a fortnight! I've never felt like this about a blog before xo

  125. Its been 2 weeks. I fear some terrible drama tornado has consumed krista

  126. Can you write more about your time as a burlesque performer? That would make an interesting post.

  127. Can I know who is the girl in your first pic? She's too cute!

  128. Drama is when the girl you like post on your fb wall about things that you like but never bother to reply your text.

  129. I can't help thinking that if this post had been written by a straight male, the pitchforks-and-torches reaction would have made the French Revolution look like a Veteran's Day parade by comparison.

    When is misogyny not misogyny?

  130. Drama is dating two girls at the same time, going to a party stag, and then running out the back door when they both show up at said party.

    Also, you are crazy right about the kind of people who put "no drama" in their profiles. I kind of wish you hadn't said it though, because now they know we're onto them.

    Best way to avoid drama: Keep your mouth shut. Resist the urge to gossip. If somebody is crying or a fight breaks out, just walk away and pretend it never happened. Don't discuss it.

  131. drama is fucking your recently ex-girlfriend's girlfriend's recent ex-girlfriend. but surely in 131 comments this has been mentioned several times.

  132. Out of consideration for the person with autism... I feel the need to post a more "scientific" definition of drama. In two parts.
    1) Objectively: Drama can be action or statement that a given society would consider "over emotional" or "over reacting". Rules vary based on the society. (also known as "making a scene")
    2) Drama can also be subjective: when a person (person a) doesn't want to deal with someone else (person b) because
    A)the situation causes them emotional stress
    B)the only actions or statements available to person A all lead to either person A's, person B's or person c's pain. (person c assumes there is a love triangle of some sort).(Which for most people causes point A)

    That's the best I can do. Sorry if its convoluted. I just had to try.

  133. Drama is when you try to strike up a conversation with a cute girl about social justice... And she goes into a crazy rant about how 60% of people have oral herpes and most show no signs / don't know they have it... Then starts pointing loudly at the crowd around talking about how many people in it, statistically, would have it... And everyone who overhears just that part doesn't know what the hell is going on and thinks they're being accused of having/spreading an STD. And chaos commences. D= And all you wanted was to see if she wanted to go for coffee but now there's yelling, there's "You don't even know me and you're saying I have WHAT?", there's people with a partner next to them demanding to know if it's true / why they didn't admit it, etc.

    (Speaking of which? Things that ruin the mood- crazy claims that 60% of the population, minimum, has an oral STD. I'm kind of afraid to google because if crazy girl is right, that.... I don't even know.)

  134. Need to say this: I have the biggest crush on that girl in the first picture. Too bad it's uncredited. You really have the best pictures, Krista!

  135. Drama is when your best friend, who you may have had a crush on for some time, finally admits to fucking your ex-girlfriend who monumentally broke your heart and sent you into a downwards spiral ending in repeated suicide attempts. And now calls you all the time in tears, upset about how hard it is to see her with her new girlfriend and how hard it is to be around anyone else your ex has ever been with. Hmm.

  136. Drama is when life is on hold at 30 because you fucked up in your 20's and you live with your homo- hating parents who treat you like you are 13 instead of 30.

    Drama is also when no matter how many gay and lesbian social networking sites you join, you never meet anyone who wants to date you, or, if you do, she's incapable of being socially aware, or she's really really religious and that scares the shit out of you because Conversion Therapy scarred you for life, or, worse, she types like a texting fifth grader, and, after finding so many such women you realize your worst fear- you are 30 years old, REALLY REALLY OLD in gay years, and you will die alone and forgotten.

    Well, that's what drama is to me, right now, anyway. :)

  137. Drama is introducing your new girlfriend to your ex girlfriend, who is also one of your best friends, and them having an affair behind your back for nine months. True story.

  138. Drama is this post coming out the day your girlfriend decides that she has feeling for someone else while you are reading this post thinking how great and drama-free your relationship is....sorry, I must have gotten it confused with irony

  139. drama is when you're fucking a girl who your best friend wants to fuck, and when this girl used to fuck a girl who your best friend wants to fuck also.

  140. Drama is repeating the same mistake over and over, then becoming pissed that the outcome is still the same, refusing to accept any blame, and repeating the whole thing over. DRAMA

  141. Drama is going to the bar with your friends and your ex is there and she's all over you then you realize 5 of her other ex's are also there and having her latest ex drive the two of you back to your exes place.

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