Thursday, April 21, 2011

Family Ties

[via hellogirls]
Hiya quim-tiddlers!

It fucking snowed this morning.

It fucking snowed and Timothy Maxwell Thumperton bit me when I picked him up.

And I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.

And my scooter won't start and I broke my favorite eyeliner and CJ ate the piece of cake I was saving and I owed the feds money for taxes for the first time ever and Timmy bit me and it snowed.


When Timmy bit me, I actually got tears in my eyes.  
Not because my finger was hurt, but because my feelings were hurt.

You guys, a rabbit hurt my feelings.
[via switchteams]
However! Other stuff makes up for the steaming mess that is today.

Like work.

Working at Groupon makes me happy.

Apart from actually liking my job for the first time in my life, I also recently ended my Undying Quest: 

I found another lesbian at work.
[via hellogirls]
Christ on a bike, it only took six months.

Now, when I first started my job, I thought there were shit tons of lesbians working there. 

Who wouldn't?  

Everyone was my age, there was no dress code, and every single girl treated each morning as a new opportunity to show off choppy, asymmetrical haircuts and obscure girlband t-shirts.  
[via haylycharest]
I  thought the receptionist, who led me into the interview room, was a mo.  

I thought half my seatmates were dykes.  

Sock hats.  Skinny jeans.  Multi-colored hair.  Facial piercings.  Flat shoes.  Sassiness. 
[via hellofromwhereyouwanttobe]
Women who made grammar puns at lunch, while everyone laughed appreciatively.

They looked - all of them - like this:
[via lesbianswholooklikeumlesbians]
I was thrilled.
Delighted with my new co-workers, I confidently began my investigations.  

Surely there was a core group of lesbians somewhere, organizing a queer dance party and plotting to protest the designer fur coat store up the street.
I would find them. 

The weeks passed.

I made friends. Went out.  Asked around.

I still had hope.
I mean, there were writers sitting not 10 feet away from me that looked exactly like Rachel Maddow.  

There were girls in the image department who were channeling Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.  
[by katherine]
There were just too many Brandi Carlile concert t-shirts on any given Tuesday for there not to be lesbians in my office.

But weeks turned into months, and months turned up a realization: 

I was alone.

In my giant office building on Chicago's Miracle Mile, with hundreds of hipster kids working on my floor alone, with literally. hundreds. of girls my age all working on the same project, going to the same shows, and drinking together after work every night....

I was the only lesbian.



Surrounded by tales of what everyone's boyfriend said last night!

A cold wind whipped through the office cafeteria, cutting into my heart with icy fingers.
[via cuntology]
I loved my job, but I really missed working with ladyfags. 

The snow came down.  
The months went by. 

I swallowed my pain, made friends with the kickass straight girls in my office, and learned to live with loss.
[via lesfemmes]

One Sunday in March, while CJ and I were sitting in a coffeeshop, in of my bosses.  

Her name was Alma.  
She was one of the editors who used to tear my writing to pieces when I was just starting out.  

A pretty girl was with her.

The cafe was really busy.
There was only one empty table....and it was next to me and CJ.
[via loveswamp]

My boss. 
On a Sunday.

Alma saw me.  

She waved at me.  

I waved back awkwardly, halfheartedly beckoning to the table next to us while praying she was getting coffee to go.

Alma, who is never awkward, sauntered over.

Alma: Hey Krista. What are you doing here? Do you live around here?

Me: Hiiiiii omigod weird! Do you, uh, live around here too? Um, it's so weird you're here! Oh! This is my girlfriend, CJ.

Alma: Cool. This is my girlfriend, Jordan.

Her girlfriend.
Alma's girlfriend.

You guys, my jaw hit the floor.  

I was the only gayelle at work!
The only one!

What was this???

Faggettes, I was so used to being the only lesbian at work that I was kind of shocked to have the title yanked out of my martyr hands.

Alma and I have been tight ever since.
Hanging around the office together.

And man, it is so. nice. to have another ladygay in the office.
[via girlswholikegirls]
It just is.

One day, when Alma and I were having coffee in the break room, she made a lil' confession:

I was her first dyke friend.
She had never had one before!  

Had never been a part of the gay scene.

Was almost my age, had been out for seven years, and had never had a lesbian friend before.

I was shocked.  
How was that even possible? 

When I came out, I was lost.  
(via grayskymorning)
I had just left the only community I'd ever been a part of - the Mormon community. 

My sister was incredibly supportive, but my parents wouldn't talk to me.  

My straight friends didn't understand. 

As I understood it, the God I knew had, apparently, only been listening when I was planning on marrying a returned missionary.

Gay people saved me.
My college queer student union.  
Gay bars.  
My new friends at the burlesque show. 

They became my family.

Queers swooped me up in their gorgeous arms and hugged me tight and told me it was ok to be happy and like women and look like a freak and be really, really angry.  
(by nobodylovesnobody)
Apart from being fun as hell and throwing great parties, the gays also split my white, privileged, uptight brain open. 

Through homos, and my driving need to be accepted by my new family, I met people I would never have reached out to, even a year earlier.   

I met my first girlfriend, Justine, who was dancing at a bar called the Gay 90's, when Tawnya literally shoved me at her.

Y'allfags, here's how sheltered I was:  

The first thing I thought, upon seeing Justine dancing, was, "Woah, an Asian lesbian."
[via dapperQ]
It had never even crossed my mind that there could be Asian lesbians.  


I began to meet amazing people. 

Transgender folk.  Old dykes.  Delicate boys and bears.  Baby dykes.  Burlesque dancers.  Bike punks.  Leather daddies, queer Christians, strippers, drag queens, rollergirls.  
Gays with babies. 

Women who laughed a lot and never wore high heels and women who were over 50 and said "fuck" whenever they fuckin' felt like it.

They took me into the community when I needed friends and love the most - as is, no questions asked, no to-do list of improvements demanded.

Now that's Christ-like love, sluts.
[via tomboyfemme]
I learned from my new family.  
What drama meant.  What being a friend meant.  
What addiction was.  
What acceptance meant. 
What grief looked like.
What love was.

The queers fucking raised me into adulthood.
[via heykyle]
Not to get too sappy on you sluts, but when Alma told me I was her first lesbian friend, my heart exploded.  

How had she survived this long???

Amazed, I asked Alma who she talked about girlproblems with. 

She shrugged and said, "I don't, really."

I tried to wrap my head around it.
[via fuckyeahdangerouscurves]
Tried to picture my life without having spent the last eight years so fully ensconced in queer culture that at one point, I realized I knew exactly four straight girls, and three of them had definitely "dallied."

I couldn't even imagine life without homos.
[via lezbhonest]
All this time, Alma had been a card-carrying member to an awesome club she'd never even gone to.  

She'd never seen a drag show!  She'd never gone to a dyke party! She'd never read Hothead Paisan!  
(by Diane DiMassa)
We had some serious catching up to do.

But...why does having gay friends matter, anyway?  
[via tinytot]
Well.  It doesn't matter.  
To some people.  

Some gays are totally fine being the only one in their friend group.  

In fact, I know a couple mo's who really just don't give a shit.
[via sisterraysaid]
"Friends are friends," they snort, batting away my "ohmigodyou'regay?let'sbebestfriends" overtures.

And that's so.  Friends are friends.  
Friends love you for who you are, not who you sleep with.
But I need other dykes, too.  

It's not an exclusionist thing.  
It's a physical need. 

Even though I have wonderful straight friends .    

It's just such a comfort to have dyke-minded individuals (heh) around you sometimes.  
(by leelolesbo)
Just as Mormons go to BYU to be surrounded at college with other Mormons, and classic car people get together so they can talk about '67 Mustang engines ad nauseum without fear of boring anyone, I need to be around lesbians so we can talk about dykey stuff and understand one another instantly.

Faggettes, I get so many letters from y'all.  

So many of us are lonely.
 (by Clotilde Boisrenard)
There are so many dykes who think they're the only lesbian at their school.  

The only lezzer at work.  

The only lesbian with kids, the only dyke over 40, the only mo in the whole damn town.
(by Marie Ek)
The only lesbian in the world.

But it's not true!  It's just fucking not.  
You can find a community of your own.  

You will find your family.
[via cardboardkid]
Even if all you've got is the internet right now. 


  1. Aww, you know...I think this is my favorite post so far :)

  2. <3
    its a beautiful thing.
    a thing that needs to be more accessible to all types of people.
    its funny to me that so many queers in my community, people who know what its like to be an outcast, to be a freak, still upturn their noses at so many.
    your not queer enough, not radical enough, not young or old enough, not political enough, not sexual enough, ya da ya da ya da.
    you are enough.
    you are wonderful.
    you are not alone.

    why did no one teach me these things in school?

  3. You know, I want to just move to fucking America to be your best friend ever. Much adoration to you!

  4. Funnily enough, I just found my first lesbian in my new town via a nation-wide group we're part of called the Australian Lesbian Medical Association. Or, for short:


  5. Usually you make me laugh out loud but this time you brought a tear to my eye. Sometimes I feel like the only lesbian in the world but sites like this remind me I'm not.
    Now I just need to find my queer community.

  6. I've actually been thinking about this lately, like, a lot.

    I used to have a pretty large network of dykes. I mean, I'm in SF, I go to an ART COLLEGE, it's like every other girl is gay when you're in the dorms. But I pulled out of my group for various reasons (ie there was A LOT of drugs and A LOT of drama and some heartbreak on my part) and stuck with my straight friends while the lezzers went off to go party the nights away.

    My straight friends are awesome! We hang out, talk, cook, watch movies, and I get to talk about ladies and check out chicks with the guys as I have earned the 'one of the boys, but wears eyeliner' status. We're family, we did Spring Break together, I trust them.

    But, I've lately realized how cut off I feel from the gay community while living in the gayest city north of West Hollywood. While I hang with my bros, apart of me would also like a dyke night out, filled with drinks and meeting new ladies and me not having to wonder if that girl across the room is gay or not because we're nowhere near a queer bar. But also a dyke night were I don't have to worry about watching someone in the group tripping on acid or someone drunk enough to puke in the taxi on the way home. However I don't know any gayelles outside that insular, party hard group, and I am so terribly baby gay (3-4 years out) and not club friendly that I suck at sticking my neck out there.

    *le sigh*

  7. I love you so much right now.

    I'm so involved in ending the legalities of my straight life, and I've been so lonely in the middle of that.

    Family. It's amazing. Thank you.

  8. The smaller the town, the harder it is to develop a close group of gay friends. I have a lot of gay friends, but none that are good friends...instead, I just date them. But you know, that's what happens when your town isn't flooded with the gays. I'd think in a city it'd be easier to get a good group of lesbros. I hope to have some lesbros someday.

  9. I don't even live in a small town, I live in New York, and when I was first coming out everything was perfect. They were so kind to me, and I thought I'd found my dyke-fam but.. when you have a group of dykes like this everyone is going to end up falling for each other, and breaking each other's hearts, and fucking mindlessly, and I somehow ended up on the outs, and I do feel like I've lost a family, a lot. It sucks, because sometimes I need to rehash things, and make sure I'm not crazy; I need to relate, and I can't

    but it's a big city

  10. Yeah, the only other lesbian at my (private, Christian, all-girls) school happens to be my girlfriend. At least we found each other, but it'd be nice to have someone to confide in that isn't her. (My straight friends kind of tolerate us, but would probs freak out if I tried to talk about girls the same way they talk about boys.) I'm kind of subsisting off the internet until I graduate.

  11. first, i would like to add Amanda that lesbro means guys that are friends with lesbians, like fag hags but men.

  12. hey, i'm so feeling this post. i feel super alone, girls just wanna hook up, and I don't drink because it started to become a problem for me. it's hard to find girls who aren't into drinking and drugs. I have a membership to 3 personals sites! when I wasn't out I would meet a new guy interested in me at least once a month! wtf! no ladies yet. just two sad hookups. this blog is my gay life right now.

  13. It's so funny that you posted this today. My friends and I are I'm the middle of a heated battle with the fucks at fucking public health who are trying to shut down our little gay girl group.

    You see, when I was 14 and first coming out and people were throwing bottles and calling me names I went to my local youth health service and asked for help and they introduced me to grrls lounge, a group of 20 or so wonderfully diverse lesbians that got together to talk about stuff and eat dinner. It saved my life.

    Now, 10 years down the track they are cutting funding and fucking with so many beautiful people. You are very right in saying we need each other. Especially when we're so young and starting to think we are going to die alone. Yay for you!

  14. my college LGBT support group was my intro and welcome to the LGBT community and to real life. I made myself walk through (threw... I can never figure this one out) the doors and never wanted to leave. As I have aged and adopted two kids, my queer family has changed some so as to leave all the bar scene and drama behind. I never drank much but I loved to dance, meet new people and bask in the queerness that is the LGBT community. Reach out to your local or closest cities colleges, universities and LGBT community centers, we are everywhere and are waiting for you to walk threw ( through ? ) the door. In the mean time there are all kinds of web sites and groups on the net. Find your freedom and real life!

    Pat in AK

    ps love your blog, found you through Joe.My.God and the voting for awards thing.

  15. i live in the gayest neighborhood in the gayest city in america (according to out mag, anyway) and i STILL don't have dyke friends. and i AM lonely ~ i wish i had a queer community to run to the way you do, krista.

  16. Thanks so much for this. I refuse to be in the closet at work or any part of my life really, and I DO have a lot of straight friends on my own terms. My co workers are really good to me. There is really something about having other mo's around though even if they work on a different unit even if you don't see them every day, even if you don't go out partying. They are there making a space for you in a straight straight world.
    I always felt isolated and not a part of the community because I had kids and live in such a conservative place (Salt Lake City, Utah for godsake) and many of the gay people I know are closeted. My partner and I kind of put our noses down and raised kids and lived in a conservative mormony neighborhood for 11 years. Now it is time to volunteer at Equality Utah or at the pride center serving gay homeless youth and make a space for other queers in a straight straight world. You have inspired me.

  17. I like having some queer friends, but for the most part, my friends are very, very straight women. For me it's about how political you are, not who you sleep with. If you're uber conservative (even if you're queer as fuck) or even anything but really liberal, we probably won't stand a chance of being friends.
    I tried the whole being in the gay scene, but they don't like political people here (large university in the northeast). It's all about who's hooking up with who, and since I'm happily partnered, I stepped away from the queer scene.
    Three of my good friends are queer, but for the most part, I don't really like hanging out with queer people...

  18. As trans and (mostly most of the time only occasionally not) lesbian, I definitely needed this post. Thank you so much <3

  19. This post is so true. My girlfriend didn't have a hard time coming out like I did, so there is no one I know to relate to what it's like your your parents to tell you, you are demon possessed and want to pray over you. I once worked with a single lesbian and I was really excited because I thought we could be friends, but she just tried to start shit. So if anyone is in Nashville and wants to talk, I'm here.

  20. I loved this post. It made me laugh out loud without a care in the world!
    Thanks for your vote of confidence but I have no dyke, gay or even regular friends. I'm too messed up probly.

  21. This post made my night. Thank you Krista! Since coming out earlier this year, I felt really alone, like I was the only gay asian among the straights. High school was conservative and to make matters worse, my parents were (and remain to be) hard core catholics. Starting uni was tough, but since joining the Aussie Rules team, I've made heaps of gay friends- my own gay community! It's kinda fun being the youngest one (little dyke!)cos then everyone older loves ya

  22. I'm sorely lacking gay friends too. Thank goodness for the internet, for seriously!!

    Krista, I wonder how long into a new friendship (like the one with Alma) do you tell them you run this blog? How cool for her that her first lesbian friend is YOU!


  23. Poignant and wonderful, as usual, my dear.

  24. This was one of my favorite posts ever, and I've read every single one of your posts. I go to what I think is probably the dykiest all women's liberal arts college in the country, but before getting here and meeting the women I now consider my family, I lived in a tiny, conservative town, in a military family, and all I wanted was to find a group of gay girls who would love me, accept me, and be my best friends. I couldn't have gotten through my teen years without the two women who helped me come out, and could not imagine college without the family I have here.

    Your new friend is certainly lucky though, to have you as her first lesbian friend. I wish all my friends had the wealth of comedic advice and tips on meeting girls that you do.

  25. I wish Krista and Cayla now would have had a chat with Krista and Cayla 10 years ago. I think pioneer hall might have been *slightly* more tolerable. well said, lady.

  26. Aww <3 Thanks, I really needed that. I do feel like the only one at the moment and I live in a fucking conservative surroundings. ^^ I certainly need to find my community.

  27. I agree with the commenters before me. I've read this blog cover to cover (so to speak) and my ex and I would get together and discuss "OMG new Effing Dykes!" but this is my all-time favorite post and really did make me teary. I'm bookmarking it for times of need. Thank you, Krista, for being such a great friend to all the Almas out there.

  28. Thanks Krista for this entry. I'm in college now-freshman but have yet to find my queer community. I got to GSA and all the people there are nice and everything but I can't find anything in common with them. Also out of the ones I've hung out with most of them are heavy drinkers and druggies. A few of them sort of kicked me out of their circle of friends since I wasn't "gay enough". It sucks. Some of the straighties are great but I can't help but want to talk to some nice cool gay people about gay stuff. You know?

  29. when my lady and I were in the fertility factory under your feet, we were afraid we were the only queers there. Saw another couple and almost ran over to hug them. We haven't even said hello yet, but just knowing they're there makes us feel much better. As did this post.

  30. Okay, does anyone have an answer to this issue:

    I have mostly straight friends and all my best friends are straight. I have a gayish friend but she also is in the middle of a straight group.

    At the same time I have a girlfriend who is friends with all the dykes on campus. So settings in which I meet other gay ladies I am always "her girlfriend". PLUS, i'm very femme/straight-looking so I think they think I'm maybe too girly/ditzy. Also, I am a homebody so I don't really go out that much.

    My question is: how do you move past being "the girlfriend"? Is it possible? Do I just have a defective personality?

  31. Thank you for this post! I have straight friends, but sometimes I just really, really need my other queers!

  32. This was seriously so beautiful Krista.

    Also, I'm sorry Timmy bit you! He still loves you though, don't worry. Maybe he was just grumpy.

  33. You never can tell. Back in Toronto, one of my femme lesbian friends complained to me that all the butches on her ladies softball team were straight.

  34. I lost all of my straight friends when I came out last year (at 35!), and had to seek out new dyke-minded friends. The BEST thing I have ever done. Living in Seattle, it's not hard to immerse yourself in queer culture, and thankfully I'm a fast learner.

    Ironically, my new straight friends (who only know me since I've been out) try to convince me that I'm JUST bisexual, even when I tell them that penises are disgusting. :)

  35. Krita,

    Today I was feeling stressed while working, and I just typed "fuck" up in the address bar. The first thing my browser suggested was to your blog.

    It was an article I hadn't read yet, and it lightened my day a little.


  36. These tears...on my face...where are they coming from...??

    Must be my allergies.

    Great post.

  37. You are an inspiration maker! Come to Seattle again so we can be friends.

  38. We are an often excluded and marginalized group of people. The one good thing that comes out of bigotry is a strong sense of community, we need to embrace that!! Im glad she found a piece of that community in you...and Im sure you will open her eyes to the wonderfulness of it all! :)

  39. Ahhhh all the mentions of Seattle in the comments are making me so happy!!! I'm moving there in exactly a month! I've lived in Tennessee for my whole life and it's been completely awful.

    All my friends are straight. I love them, but all I want is a community like this where I don't have to nod politely as my entire group of friends discuss how sexy Darren Criss from Glee is for the umpteenth time. I'm really shy though, so it'll probably take me a while to find friends. :\

  40. Aww this post is so great! I can totally relate to it. I have tons of straight friends, but was feeling extremely isolated and alone and unhappy not knowing other gays. I live in a small town where there doesn't seem to be many of us. I just recently went to the closest big city (Toronto) and was accepted into the loving arms of the dyke community.. totally turned my life around! Couldn't be happier. The feeling of community you speak of is real and I love it.

  41. thanks for this post. helps a lot.

  42. Seriously thanks. I walk around the straightest campus in the world all day long and think about how sad it is that I get my lesbian fix online because I can't access it the real world. I don't feel as pathetic now. And ALL the girls who look SO GAY are never gay, and it makes me angryyyy

  43. This is my favorite.

    I live in Wyoming, and lately it's been pretty tough because I have failed to discover the lesbian community thus far in my time here (almost finished with my second year at the University). I crave gay interaction, and though my straight friends are great, it's really not the same. They don't understand me like the gay community does. But I will not stop my search for the lesbians in this town!

  44. Uhh, I know at least two lesbians who work for Groupon in Chicago (besides you and Alma), so y'all definitely aren't alone. Maybe they're in a different department, though?

    And yeah, the first thing I did upon moving to a new city was go to the dyke bar and start making friends with the lady-gays. I like my straight friends, and they're all great queer allies, but sometimes they just don't *get* it the same way gay friends do.

  45. Thank you for this, I feel that sometimes I need reminding that I am not the only queer in the world even if it feels that way at times.
    I am seriously craving interaction with a queer community that doesn't consist of just my gay (male) friend who thinks that my abundance of 'emotions' purely stem from me being a lesbian. He also seems thinks that the way to cure this is to try and get me to grow my hair, bleach the shit out of it and to then put me in a dress. After being effectively dumped out of my group of straight friends after coming out it's hard to find anyone that I can relate to at the moment.
    I am still in high school so perhaps this is slightly premature and I'm just being impatient, nonetheless this helped me a lot, thank you.

  46. Oh lord. I live in a town with 500 people, and my high school has 200 kids in it. I only came out to myself when I was a sophomore (I'm now a senior) and I've been the only lesbian in my school besides our vice principal, who is into hunting, fishing and generally being a creepy redneck dyke, which is never attractive. Although I'm going to Southern Oregon University in the fall (FUCKYEAHASHLANDSOMANYLESBIANS!) I'm still impatient and frustrated. I extend my unfaltering gratitude to you for this brilliant piece of literature!

  47. This is my favorite post you've ever done. It's exactly what I needed. Thank you so much.

  48. You know it's funny how true this is... even when you live in a big city. Recently out in Chicago and I'm like... uhhh how do I find female gays like me? I can't possibly be alone! I live in Lakeview for gods sakes! Yet, sometimes that's how it feels...

  49. I'm at work reading your post in-between calls and I almost cried. I feel lonely because I am surrounded by lezzies but there is so much drama that I don't want to get involved. It's ok because I have your blog and fitforafemme to keep me occupied.

  50. Maybe Timmy was channeling Bunnicula and thought you were a tomato! *hugs*

    "It's just such a comfort to have dyke-minded individuals (heh) around you sometimes."

    Hehe, loved this line particularly. It's so fucking true! Besides your gorgeous smirk, it's one of the things I miss about working with you. Speaking of, I'm at WF and reading this two gayelles walked by, giggly and plaided out.

  51. Reading all these posts it's really interesting how some of us ladies are in the same boat as in terms of drugs and/or drama keeps them away from a lot of lesbian social circles.
    It's nice to know that there are other girls out there who feel the same way about it. For years I thought I was the worst femme/boi hybrid ever because for the first year I was out and had moved to the big city I was told it was normal behavior (clubbing, drinking, drugs, one night stands, throwing someone up against the bathroom stall door and going at it, screwing your friends, creating a metric ton of drama). And that's.... just not me. At. All.
    Hence, again, hangin' with the straights but also wishing I had some dialed down gay girls to hang with.

    Sidenote: Timmy's just a baby so he's probably going through that nippy ornery baby stage all animals seem to have. He loves you!

  52. I have to agree with much of the previous comments - I have read every word of Effing Dykes (multiple times actually) and this is my favourite post to date. I'm in a little town in the middle of the bible belt. White, suburban, rich, and overwhelmingly heterosexual. When I first came out (a whopping year ago), I felt like the only dyke in the state. My first trip to Whole Foods ended up with me almost crying and hugging these married-with-a-house lesbians, because they were the only older dykes I had ever seen in my town. But, I've found myself a little gay family and we are starting to outnumber the straight kids in our group of friends. It's lovely.

  53. Love the post and the blog.

    You've been awesome with trans* inclusion. I just want to give you a heads up part of the trans* community has pushed to remove the "ed" part from the end of "transgendered." ("Trans*" or "transgender" being more preferred now). There are a lot of reasons for the push. The main one is the implication of language. As such, the use of "transgendered" can be really offensive to some trans* folk.

    Anyway, sorry to be a downer. I look forward to the next fabulous post!


    I am away from home a lot. Away at grad school, away with jobs, and when I think about my hometown I get wicked-teary-stomach-ache HOMESICK. And it is not for my HOUSE or my FAMILY; it is for the QUEERS WHO BROUGHT ME UP AND SHOWED ME THE PLANET.

    Even if people get tired of or frustrated with the drug-drama-addiction-incestuous-clanishness of their local lesbian circle, I HOPE HOPE HOPE they find a group of queers somewhere in their lives. It WOULD be like being into vintage cars and just googling them alone on weekends instead of having PEOPLE to talk to and be with and learn from and to look at REAL vintage cars with, to not have a queer family. It's GOOD.

  55. Ugh so true. ALL of my friends are straight, and inevitably the girls I meet who are gay and single, I either end up dating/hooking up with, or they end up trying to date me. Can't wait to find my lesbian posse...

  56. I've had a recent shift in my circle of queer friends and although it's for the better, I've been so fucking dyke-deprived. I'm lonely and shy and cranky, but sort of hopeful. And I'm glad you wrote this. Thank you.

  57. I feel like this
    Being alone is the worst pain in the world, even when you're in a room full of people and you feel like you're the only one there who's really alive.

  58. Wonderful post! Yes, at least I have the Internet. I have the best group of lesbian friends I've never actually met.

  59. ;_; I want to find my family. I go to college in the fall. It has a GSA on campus. I can't wait to be apart of something like that. I hope I don't have my hopes up too high.

  60. As a former Mormon, and a lesbian, every time you say 'mo. I think mo mo. Like Mormon. Molly Mo. Morms. Mo. Just an FYI. Love the blog, keep it up. Love from Utah...

  61. This warmed my heart about ten thousand degrees. Even though I have plenty of lesbians in my life, there was a time where I felt like I was the only one. And it sucked. It made me feel all existentialist and isolated and made finding acceptance seem impossible.

    All I really wanted is to know that I'm not the only one who feels like people (not just us queers) need each other. You reminded me that no one wants to feel like the "only one" and for that I thank you.

  62. Oh my god. Thank you! I was just talking to my therapist about this the other day. I was talking about how I need more gay friends. And she just did not get it. She was like, "Why does it matter? Being gay doesn't define you." I seriously couldn't get her to understand. I just need a community. And I love straight people! But I NEED gay friends. Lesbian friends. I'm just the kind of person who needs a community. I need to feel understood, to have that instant connection!
    I told my mom the same thing and she was like, "but the only thing you'll have in common is that you're both gay" and I was like...yea, and that's a big thing to have in common!

    So thank you for agreeing and validating that!!! I started coming out 3 years ago but I'm still trying on different identities and having gay friends to do that with really helps. Thanks for the support!

  63. As most of my friends are straight (Probably 90%), I know what you mean about being with the queers. I'm 34, been out since 2005(ish) and really feel nourished when I'm with Like Minded Ladies in a way that I just don't with my straight friends - and my best, best friend is straight.

    Great post.

  64. This post reminds me of the Little Britain sketch where the guy keeps insisting that he is "the only gay in the village."

  65. Like some others, I've read your entire blog, allllll the way back. Every time I laugh or learn or just enjoy myself. But this time it made me so very, very sad. It was beautiful. I, like so many others, feel so alone...this helps. I live on the other side of the world, but you brought fucking tears to my eyes because you get it. How important it is to have people you can connect to. Something I don't have. So thankyou for showing me it.

  66. I am 23 and have been out for 6 years, really okay with it for only 2 of them. I've recently begun the somewhat solitary process of sorting through my gender identity. We barely have a gay community in my town, let alone trans. This is proving to be a difficult, confusing, and lonely time in my life.

    I found this post to be one of your best and most important. Sometimes we forget that we'll eventually find our own families, gay or not, and for now we always have online families waiting for us when we're ready.

  67. this made my morning (:
    i thought I was the only one at my work, then i met the obvious dyke, and she told me of the pretty girls here who are also gay D:
    i love meeting new gays
    gives me a nice fuzzy feeling inside

  68. Ironically before i ever came out I was friends with all the only gay people in my dept at work and I never even knew (smh)

  69. I love you Krista. You make me happy.

  70. WHAT. I recognize the blue-haired lady in this post. I think she =

    Also this post is adorable, obvs.

  71. Heh, Iiiii happen to be another gay lady working at Groupon - in yr department even, though I haven't been there terribly long. (I mean, I suppose it's not *too* surprising since Groupon seems to have devoured about 60% of Chicago's under-27 population.) Also my girlfriend works there (in a different department) and also at least one other real confirmed lesbian I know. BUT. I totally do know what you mean about the initial perception of being surrounded by gay ladies. An improbable concentration of beautiful, stylish apparently gay ladies who . . . become straighter as you get to know them.

    Anyway, good work, famous co-worker!

  72. As a girl who is formerly (and let's be real, inescapably) Utahan, I never expected to see BYU used so as to be analogous to my dyke-squad.

    Thanks Krista, this made my day.

  73. I live in a small town in Ontario and know at least a dozen les/bi people at my high school and there are probably quite a few I don't know about but most of my immediate friends are straight. I can talk to most of them comfortably because we come from such an accepting town. When someone is homophobic they get discriminated more than the gays.

  74. I did not read through all of the comments, so I'm not sure if what I am about to say was already said. I always enjoy your posts, and am very able to identify with your stereotypes. I generally take your posts for what they are--broad representations of the dyke community. I was a bit taken back when I saw you use the word "transgendered" in this recent post. As a member of the LGBT community, I'd think you would be aware that no matter what form, it is always Transgender. "transgender folks" would have been the correct use. As a part of this community, I'd just like us all to use the correct words so the rest of society can follow suit! :) keep on blogging and helping make the world a more aware and happy place.

  75. Thank you for this post Krista. You are wonderful. This blog is community.

  76. Kat, I noticed that you are going to be going to SOU, I am so jealous. I'm a sophmore and I can't wait to go to SOU when I graduate.

    Loved the post Krista, makes me feel better about being the only dyke in 3/4 of my classes.

  77. This is pretty timely for me. I graduated from my queer community (women's college FTW!) and have been trying to figure out how to find a new one. I'll always be close to that college family but I need some new members, ones who are live in closer proximity to me. I live in NYC so this shouldn't be hard but when you don't like bars and don't "look" lesbian (the hipster lesbian look effing dykes most often describes doesn't look like me in the slightest) and your gaydar sucks, it is rough. I went to NYC Pride for the first time last year and was felt both at home and yet incredibly lonely all at the same time. I had no one to celebrate with. I geeked out to myself when I was a a burlesque show recently and figured out these two women are a couple before we started to talk and the fact became obvious. I had found lesbians! They seem to get that I was one too without me specifically saying so! Holy shit! Then I didn't get contact info and will never see them again. Crap. Oh well, it was a fun conversation (Note: It was Floating Kabarette on the first Sat. in April and we talked about rock climbing and aerial dance and how bachelorette party traditions all seem REALLY GAY. I can't remember either of your names but you were awesome. If you are reading this, I'd love to hang out sometime!)

    But yeah, I think having a few queer friends matters. They don't have to be all your friends, or even your absolutely closest ones (my platonic wife is straight. An extremely lesbianic straight woman, but a straight woman none the less.) but you need them. Someone who gets it.

    How the heck do we find these people? I have tasted what this kind of social environment is like and I miss it terribly.

  78. This post was uplifting and depressing both. I'm glad to hear the "needing a community" phenomenon doesn't only affect lesbians past a certain age, as I was beginning to fear. So many of the younger women seem to have a "What's the big deal?" mindset. I thought maybe society had changed enough that young queers didn't feel the need to identify and hang out with other queers. I'm thrilled to see from your post and all the comments that this isn't true. (Not thrilled that we're still marginalized, but thrilled that we value the bonding.)

    But you made me realize how much my life is lacking a lesbian component these days. I thought I was doing fine, but now I feel the loss with such a fierce ache. *sigh*

    At least there IS an internet now. Before the WWW, gay people never saw ourselves represented anywhere, had few chances to hook up, and required soooo much more courage to buy a book, buy a sex toy, and chat with other gay people!

    But like you said, it does get better. Hang in there, young dykes. You have so much wonderful loving and living ahead! :)

  79. holy goddamn i'm crying now.
    your posts are exactly what i need, always.
    thank you.

  80. I really needed this post. I'm gay, but I live in a muslim community and I've grown up in that community. I'm sure we all know how homophobic muslims are. I feel alone and isolated because I just feel so different from my peers and they seem so xenophobic and bigoted. I'm sure I'm not the only gay muslim in my community if the 5-10% of the population really is supposedly gay. However who will want to come out in a community who hate gay people and want them dead. This post did make me look forward though. I guess I just need to hang in there for a while and try to get to uni. I really wish that things will get better once I go to uni.

  81. "The only lesbian in the world." Wow. I've thought I was her many times.

    I want gay friends. And not just the 3 gay friends I made at the Tegan and Sara concert who live in different states and countries. I want real, permanent gay friends. Who I can talk to about Amber Heard. Who I don't have to hide from. Liking ladies is a BIG part of my life and I often find myself with NOTHING to say to non-gay people. Like, seriously. I sit in silence because the only thing I have any desire to talk about is my current female crush. I need real-life lesbifriends. Online friends are cool, but I feel so alone in the physical world.

  82. How awkward is it when you're with straight friends who are complaining about guys and you have NOTHING TO SAY. "Dating girls is way better" is rarely desired or appreciated and gets pretty old.

  83. Most of the gay kids I know (at least the super young ones under 18 my age) are really cliquey and nasty and not exactly family material :/

  84. Beautifully said, Krista! This was much needed.

  85. When I first came out in high school, one of the first people I came out to was a gay friend of mine. Having him there was so helpful to me. Of course after he graduated that year, from what I heard, he went to Madrid and no one heard from him since. Now in college I have no gay friends. It really sucks. Sometimes I worry that I wouldn't get along well with other gay guys, because I've always been nerdy. I hate to sound cliched, but reading what you wrote gave me tons of hope.

  86. This entry is exactly what I needed. Thank you so so much!

  87. One problem I have run into, as a friendly lesbian, is that sometimes when I reach out to a woman, for coffee or whatever, they immediately think I'm trying to hit on them. OK, sometimes I am, but mostly I'm not.

    I once asked a woman out for coffee, who I had NO romantic interest in, which I thought was obvious, and she told me, "I'm getting over a relationship and I'm not into dating right now." I'm like (blink) Dude, if you know a coffee bar that has a hook-up couch in the back room, please give me the address.

    As my therapist once told me, "When you have good boundaries, you don't need walls." I am not attracted to 90% of the lesbians I meet, but I can't think of a single one that I would not be happy to share a cup of coffee with.

    On a final, practical note, even if you're not into a woman, hey, she might have a friend.

  88. Krista, I want you to know that I share so many of these sentiments not with my fellow queers, but with people who're depressed.

    I mean, I love my buddies. I do. I think they're awesome, I'm glad they're chill with me being queerer than a three dollar bill on fire and the ashes and heat release fucking glitter and it sounds like a Tegan and Sara song. But it's so hard when I'm going through a depressive episode and all they can think to say is "Cheer up! People have it worse than you." It feels nice having a "community" of people who're depressed and get where you're coming from, people who know what it's like to be depressed (when you struggle to eat or control your eating; when you feel so empty for no real reason; when your serotonin levels are in the negatives and you can't find a way to will them up; when your head wants to do you in) and help me out that way.

    So yeah, I loved this whole post and related to it (not necessarily on a queer level, but on the whole I-need-a-community-for-x-reason.)

  89. I left my community and life in order to come out. And now I've been so lonely for so long that people make me nervous, and scared, and really really awkward. At this point, even the queers would (and do) find me awkward. I didn't used to be like this. I had friends and dinner parties and was normal and knew how to say things that sounded casual. They were casual and easy and one of a million things said that day. But not anymore.
    I'm not living all kinds of lies anymore, but what I wouldn't give to have people in my life. So the internet and books and academia some day I'll have normal social interactions again.

  90. Is everyone in NYC so painfully lonely??!!!???

  91. awesome idea! (in my humble opinion)April 24, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    okay I have what might be a (hopefully) brilliant idea.
    okay, sorry for the screaming heres the idea:

    is there anywhere we can have an effingdykes discussion board aside from the comments section? something that can be organized by topic say..."lezzies in college", "lezzies in NYC", "queer culture in the ____ area", or "whether or not there is an actual difference between lattes, cappuccinos, and macchiatos, or whether the coffee shops are just trying to confuse us"

    *if you want to reply to this and not read further my e-mail is at the bottom*

    it seems that lots of us have trouble finding other queer-folks in our areas but I bet a lot of us might live in the same places/go to the same schools/have the same interests. that way we can talk to each other without scrolling through all the comments.

    on a related note. I'm living in new orleans and will be here this summer, I have no idea about queer culture off-campus and would like to. I would love to maybe meet up with anyone else who lives in the area. we can talk about how amazing effingdykes is and how much we wish we could just keep krista in our pocket and take her out when we need amazing advice/pep talks.

    If anyone knows how to accomplish this idea please set it up/let me know. I apologize for the huge-ass off-topic comment. To keep it related, I have also read all the effingdykes posts and eagerly await new ones and I loved this post especially. Thank you krista for saying what half of us wish we could say and all of us want to hear.

    okay. anyone feel free to a-mail me: (don't make fun of me its really old)

  92. Krista, you are my gay community.
    I come from a small town in southern California. There aren't many queers here, but your blog has always made me feel less lonely.


  93. Thank you for being you! <3

    I would so love to hear you (and everyone!) talk more about finding community. I'm sure I'm not the only one pondering where I can move to be out, to find my people; there's no place for me in my current town and it hurts. The internets are a beautiful thing of course, though sometimes even online I'm like "ok ok, but I'm not a 19-year-old hipster, where do I fit?"

    @cunninglinguist - I so feel you. Isolation is terrible. This might seem weird but whatever, e-mail me at lie[deletethisspace]lux AT g mail [dot] com if you ever feel so moved. Anyone else, too. Love the forum idea above...

  94. I like this forum idea too :) It'd be nice to meetup with fellow readers in the area (I'm assuming where I'd live it'd be a big group). I've done meetups for a few (non-queer) blogs/sites and I've always made some nice friends out of it.

  95. Ugh this is so true. Up until I was 19 I never really had any other lesbian friends, then my then-girlfriend and I started hanging out with this awesome group of dykes and I was just starting to realise "wow hanging out with other lesbians is so much more fun than hanging out with my conservative straight friends"...
    ...when my gf and I broke up and she started dating one of them and I was effectively cast out of the group.
    Subsequently, I moved out of town.
    And now I have a grand total of one friend - a straight friend who I went to high school with who also moved here - who I can hang out with and irritate on a regular basis.
    Back to square one.

  96. "It's just such a comfort to have dyke-minded individuals (heh) around you sometimes."

    BEST QUOTE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  97. So far my girlfriend and I have a dyke community of 2. She's 21 and I'll be 21 this wednesday but what we understand about LGBT communities and the people are usually from what we pick up from each other or off reading (your site, others', news, stories, etc).

    My girlfriend and I have learned a lot of these lesbian quirks from just reading your blog and I have to thank you for being that pseudo-community that gives a glimpse into the LGBT world.

    The reason my girlfriend and I haven't gone out there is that we don't know of many lesbian hang outs that AREN'T bars. My girlfriend has been patiently waiting for my 21st birthday to come so we can hit the streets of LA/Hollywood and really immerse ourselves into the LGBT world.

    So yup, my gf and I are like Alma and damn are we bloodthirsty to seek some lesbian friends!

  98. I have problems meeting young dyke friends. I'm in college, and my friends are either dudes around my age or older lesbians. I'm a little 20 year-old baby dyke, and my lesbian friends are around 40.

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with this- it's better than nothing, and they definitely have more life experience and a TON of wisdom/sage advice to offer. But I can't relate to them on anything other than the fact that we're both lezzers, I won't date them, and I feel like I'm waiting for everyone my age to come out. So... fellow baby dykes, WHERE ARE YOU!?

  99. Go out, say hi to people, girls! Everyone's socially awkward in their own way and will appreciate it.

    Find that dyke posse - it's the most fun evarrr. It's got to the point where we have a token straight friend :). We can make any bar the gay bar for a night.

    Love that community!


  100. This is one of my favorite posts so far. I'm so happy that the gay community did all that for you. That's exactly why the GSA at my college meant so much to me and why I busted my bum as it's vice pres. I love our community to bits and pieces. Support from a community is soo important. Especially for the youngsters.

    Your blog makes all your readers feel less alone. I want to thank you for that. After graduating college, I've felt very alone. I live far from most of my friends. I anxiously await your posts. They educate me, make me laugh and say "omgg that's soo true!" multiple times and most importantly remind me of the community that I love so much. And the fact that we're both "Krista"s and queermos is pretty sweet. Haha. :D

  101. I love the title of this post.

    And you are so right about communities.

    Where we can go and be understood.

    I turned to blogging/ b/c I feel like a fish out of water in this all white small town.

    I am hispanic, and there is no one like me here.

    It feels lonely.

  102. I don't have dyke friends. I have yet to meet a single lesbian in UTAH that I can actually get along with. All my gay friends are dudes. I am friends with LOTS of straight girls. No lesbians. I find the lesbians in Utah(that I have met) to be self-centered, granola, man-hating militant "womyn" (fuck I hate that term)


  104. I don't even know what to say right now. I am so lonely for friends that I could be myself with. I feel like I am the only person in the world like me. I don't fit with the strait world. I am very closeted because I feel like it would only hurt myself and those I love to come out. I live in a very conservative area in Utah. I don't even think the gay community would accept me, but I do ache for friends. I tried to make friends with a couple lesbians but they shunned me as soon as they saw that I was married. I understand where they are coming from but it is not like I was trying to date them. I just wanted a friend.

  105. this made me cry. I am sobbing. hope it's true.

  106. Rollergirls! They are my gay family and I'm so glad I found them!!

  107. Awww! Beautiful, touchingly sweet post.
    I don't have any gay friends either. Thankfully my straight bestie is there for me, and lets me talk to her like she's gay hahaha but you never get the bond like you would with a gay lady bestie. Hopefully I'll find one eventually

  108. I love this. Actually, I love this entire blog. I thought I'd let you know I'm the only straight girl in my core group of friends, and I'm ok with that. They let me be part of their community/family, and it's a pretty accepting/fantastic/awesome one to be a part of.

  109. Awe yr breaking my heart Lessa and Anonymous married gay lady from Utah. I have ZERO affinity for the word womyn either and could never be a separatist. I have a "father in law" son in law, Dad, Brothers and male co workers that I adore. Anonymous, I was a lonely gay mormon housewife once, I get it. So.... I am a bad bad BAD no actual published blog (yet, working on it though) but I do have an account and it DOES have an e mail and I AM in Utah. so lets talk.

  110. Oh fuck YES i get what you mean! I do have faggettes friends who *say* they don't give a f*ck about having gay or straight friends - who *say* they don't care about reading gay novels, watching gay movies and so on - that's ok. But still, i can't really imagine how possible that is -to feel comfortable being the only one / the only couple "like this" around...
    Then again, they're my friends, which means they aren't the only ones around, haha!
    But as much as i do love my straight friends, it does feel comfy to just slip into the lezworld sometimes... very soothing... and to read your blog is like having a big bag of my fave candies - except it won't make me fat! So THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!!

  111. This is going to sound ridiculous, but the first person I came out to was my college RA. I didn't really have any gay friends then (7 years ago) and didn't know who to talk to. Thankfully, she dragged me to a queer student group meeting that week. The rest is (really gay) history. Like Krista, I made friends with people who i probably would never have known otherwise, and learned to understand lots of things about the world that I maybe wouldn't have ever seen.

    It's so hard before you meet those other people and realize you aren't the only one. My heart goes out to the ladies and womyn who wrote on here how lonely they are. I promise you aren't. We're all here.

  112. Great post, Krista. Really sweet; I wish I had had that kind of community all through college, instead of all the biphobia and the drama and the breakups and all the girls-who-would-be-my-friends-but-hate-me-because-I-broke-their-friends-heart-last-year-and-they-have-to-feign-loyalty kind of thing.

    Next up: How exactly do you walk up to someone and say, "omygodyouregaytoo? letsbebestfriends!!!"
    Just because two people in the same room are both gay doesn't make it easy to walk right up to them or feel community, feel connection of any kind. I think "the queer community" is kind of invented. It was real for you, but for a lot of us I think we imagine it, we imagine that everyone else has this amazing core of friends who all get along and support each other, like on "The L Word" or "Dykes To Watch Out For" but instead, we're all kind of lonely, on the internet, wishing for those friends.

    So how do you get them? How do you make your common LGBTQ-ness a starting point for a time consuming, devoted, loyal friendship?

  113. I've lived in NYC for a few years now and am still trying to find people with whom I can relate.

  114. Krista, this post is heartfelt and lovely!

    Ideally, I want to buy all the lesbians a coke, and teach them to sing in perfect harmony. But, alas, its never going to happen. I feel for all you lonely faggettes out there.

    Yes, its wonderful & reassuring to find dyke friends and a slice of the LGBT community to call your own. But its even more important to become your authentic best self. Then the rest will follow, come what may.

    I tried exclusively hanging with lesbians for several years after I came out. One day I had a "duh" moment & realized I really liked a wider spectrum of people and didn't need to be so exclusive. I can appreciate eccentric, artsy, dynamic, positive people of all sexual orientations.

    Now my lesbian circle is smaller and includes a bunch of old guard dykes who opened coffee shops and started the fanny pack trend and moved to the country after working with homeless queer youth in the late 80s/early 90s. Most of them have bad hair. But they paved the way for us younger faggettes. I am among the lucky ones to know them & will be forever grateful.

  115. Any gay ladies in Shreveport??? Or Dallas? I need lesbian friends, too! We gotta stick together. Now that I know I'm not the only one that feels lonely! We should get to know each other!

  116. I'm so glad I've found your blog.

    I'm 31.

    I only came out 2 years ago after year and more years of hating who I was.

    Now I'm a proud and happy lesbian but I do feel so alone. I have zero lesbian friends where I'm at and the gay clubs/bars just aren't my scene. And I'm too chicken shit to go out to any meetups that they may have around here (I haven't even seriously looked into it).

    It's incredibly lonely being the only lesbian in my group of friends. Fortunately they listen to me when I would complain about my ex and they'd give me advice without batting an eye.

    But, still.

    I want my own circle of dykes.

  117. All my friends are straight in particular who really enjoys outing me so she can be the cool one with the lesbian best friend.

    I need new friends, gay or straight :(

  118. This makes me all warm and fuzzy and teary. I do love my straight friends, but my queer community feels so perfectly like home.

  119. This is exactly what I needed to read right now (sitting alone in my apartment with my two cats watching the hockey game in the most hetero college town in Canada). I've been the only lesbian I've known throughout most of my nine years of being out, partly because I'm extremely shy, partly because of circumstances. It's hard to explain to my (wonderful, awesome, best ever) straight friends why I get so lonely.

    Sometimes, you just need someone who gets it.

  120. okay I'll post this in the comments of the newest post too but for anyone who thought that a forum would be a good idea I made one. Go to and look up effingdykes in the forum directory. I think you can comment and read as a guest, if not I'll try to fix that when my life settles a bit and you just need to register-its free

  121. This is my favorite post so far, and thank you for writing it. I live in rural countryside in Ireland, and even when I was in college in Galway, I still didn't have any gay friends. My gay friend would be my girlfriend...but non others to spare. Now, the only gay people I know are online. And it is isolating, and as much as I would love to find my 'queer family' it doesn't exist for me here, yet.
    But thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making me feel less alone. It is a great comfort to know that I am in fact, not the only lesbian in the world, even if it does feel like it, sometimes.

  122. this article makes me smile :)

  123. Nice article, thanks for the information.

  124. Wowza--I've just gotta say--this post is effing brilliant. Thanks for the great insights, pictures, and laughs.

  125. *Tear...*

    For real. Sometimes, now that I've abandoned my flitting around the country with gays to come home to hicksville and get an education, I DO feel alone. I feel just like what you just described.. all alone...I know its temporary. But the end of my personal hell with too many straights(many of them raging 'phobes) and no gays can't come soon enough. What an inspiration you are.

  126. Twenty-six year old architect Annie Ferguson looks forward to starting on her new job and living in Manhattan with her boyfriend Seth. As she is euphoric and confident about the changes in her life, she thought nothing about her vow to be the guardian of her two nieces and nephew she made to her sister Jane. That is until Jane and her husband Bill die in a plane crash, so Annie raises the three preadolescent children (Liz, Ted and Katie). Seth cannot deal with the change so ends their relationship.

  127. I used to think I was the only lez at my school. And I was deffinetly the only out girl in my school. But even though I was extremely lonely for a long time I was happy I came out because it helped other gays to come out. About a year later I know so many gays I don't have enough hands and feet to count. I feel like a miniature gaga xD paving the way for people :) lol

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