Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Did You Want to Try That On

[via dirtywhite]
Hiya, fressers!


OMG it's finally Spring.
I haven't been this happy since last September. 

The maple outside our window has buds on it.  

BUDS, you guys.
Life is good. 


I'm sitting at my favorite coffeeshop, Swim, surrounded by queer/queer-looking girls, slurping down my second almond-milk latte and eating a stack of gluten-free cookies. 
[via ohcardigan]
Overnight, Swim decided to make their entire menu gluten-free, and since then I've been steadily handing the cafe all my cash, as if it were a drag queen stripper doing a convincing Gwen Stefani lounge act.


Do you have any idea how many years it's been since I've had dammit snickerdoodles?
Mmmphf.


A ginger dyke with an overly-styled fauxhawk just sauntered in wearing her teal work scrubs, leaving me to wonder, for the upteenth time:


Is every single person entrusted with poking needles into us gay?
Had I known about this shit, I would have gone to med school, best believe.


Anyway! The Loyola speaking thing went well. 


I think.


If you were there, you probably saw me blush the color of a lobster every time it was my turn to talk.
My only two goals were:


1)  Try very hard not to sound like a dummy, and


2)  Try not to offend everyone all at once.


I think I might have looked like a teenager sitting at the grownups' table for the first time.  
(via 16macarons)
But it's ok! I actually had fun! 
That was the most relaxed I've ever felt in front of a group. 
And maybe I can get better!


Hopefully so, 'cause...what are you doing on April 6th

Because I'm going to be speaking at Yale.


YOU HEARD ME.
Come! It'll be fun! I'll give you more details as I get 'em!


So. 


Now it's time to deal with bigger, gayer issues:


There's a girl in my yoga class who won't shower with me.


[via cmrnmthwmrrs]
S'truth.


Here's the backstory:


This girl is very blonde, very straight-looking, way better than me at yoga, and has always been nice to me. 
She even loaned me her hairdryer once. 


We'll call her Sandra.  
One Saturday morning, about a month ago, I showed up to class dragging CJ - who looks quite a lot like a boy - with me.
Sandra arrived at the same time we did.


We hung up our coats.
Our instructor, Jen, casually asked who my guest was.  
Bikram is like a cult, and Jen smelled new blood.


I said, "Oh, this is my lil' wifey, CJ. My partner," and quickly kissed CJ's cheek.
[via youlovegirls]
Then I waved at Sandra.
Sandra turned quickly away and went to the locker rooms. 


In class, she kept staring at CJ's fuzzy armpits, then staring at me. Then back to the armpits.
[via universology]
Now, Sandra's a notable germ-phobe. 
She always showers after class in her own flip flops and scrubs the hell out of her mat with Purell before she leaves. 


I always shower too, but mostly because it's sad to be the only one nobody will sit next to on the crowded bus.
Inside the locker room, there's only two showers.  
It's communal - there are no stalls. 


If you're taking a shower, you're taking it with another naked girl about three inches from you, like it or not.
[via ohimgay]
Most people just go home, but I need a shower. 


I usually manage to get to the showers first. 
And Sandra used to hop in with me.


But...not since the day she saw CJ.


At first I thought it was just coincidence, but then I started to notice:


If a different girl beats me to the showers, Sandra'll soap up with her, no problem.


I've seen her do it, plenty of times.
But now, if I'm in there...she sits down on the bench to wait.

It couldn't be that, I thought. 

Surely not.
[via gettoknowthelife]
But time and time again, day after day, it happened.  


Sandra would see me in under the nozzle, with an open shower next to me, and sit down on the bench to wait.


Unbelievable!
[via wallofbooks]
Homos, it was time for a test.


Last Friday, I let Sandra beat me to the showers. 
I gave her a two-minute head start.
Then I oh-so-casually stepped in.
Panic ensued. 
Sandra was sudsing her hair.  She opened her eyes, saw me, and starting rinsing everything with the warp-speed efficiency of an army nurse. 


She dropped her travel-sized shampoo bottle. 


She bent down to pick it up, must have remembered that you don't do that in prison, and fucking left it there. 


Dripping wet, Sandra bolted from the shower.
Slipping and sliding on her special flip-flops.


The lesbian. Saw her naked. 
Oh. My. God.


So ever since then, I've been fucking with Sandra


Taking 10, 15-minute showers.  
Seeing if I can break her. 


Nothing doing.


At first I thought it was funny, and then I pitied her, and now I'm just annoyed. 

And I just have to wonder:
What does this girl think is going to happen?




That is what I want to talk about today, sluts.

I want to talk about bizarre reactions to gayness from otherwise sane, intelligent, and friendly straight girls.



'Cause, omigod.
[via corygibbons]
Is the lesbian going to pounce?


Is the sight of other female boobies going to be...too MUCH for her?


Will she try to kiss me?


What if my natural hotness overcomes her?
[via clapyourhands]
I just wonder what the fuck is going on in Sandra's head.  


What does she think I'm going to do to her? 
Why does she think I might do something to her?


Does she think something's going to happen in the shower? Like, actually, in the shower?
Is this just a knee-jerk reaction to something that makes her feel uncomfortable?


Is she a closet dyke?
Or am I overthinking this? Maybe Sandra dislikes my conditioner that smells like coconuts?
 [VIA SUCAN]
Hmph.


Y'allfags, in these trendy times, it is not. ok. to be openly uncomfortable with gay people.  


When someone tells you "I'm gay," now, the correct response is "cool."
[VIA LIVINGWITHINALIE]
Or you're an asshole hillbilly bigot.


Even if gay people make you so fucking uncomfortable you can't even look them in the eye without thinking "Butt-pirate-fudge-packer-carpet-muncher-wears-strap-ons-GAY"...polite society demands that you pretend.
Which is why Sandra threw me for a loop. 


She's in her 20's. She knows. 


She may be a gigantic, conservative, born-again Christian for all I know, but in big cities, those people are hunted for sport.

She's in the public reaction minority. 


And we were in a yoga studio, for chrissakes. 
Aka Lesbian/Bi Girl/Gay Man Central.


What is this all bullshit about? 


Weird Reaction Story #2:


My friend Cai, who is, admittedly, ridiculously, unfairly, boyishly hot, tells me that sometimes, otherwise-lovely straight women act strangely upon realizing or finding out she's a dyke.
[via lesfemmes]
She calls the way they act "sport fishing," and I've seen this shit in action.


It's weird.
Upon meeting Cai, certain straight girls will suddenly start saying strange, sexual shit in an offhand manner to her, looking sideways at her to see what kind of response they're getting.


For example: "Hey Cai, do you think this shirt shows too much cleavage?"
[via hellogirls]
It's as if they're seeing if they can get a rise out of her, but they do it cutely, so it looks innocent. 


Checking to see what kind of effect their sexual energy has on a lesbian.
[via lesbianswholooklikeumlesbians]
Now, before you attack: I maintain that the women doing this actually are, on some level, interested in Cai, and maybe just testing out another option that they'd never really thought about before.
(by kate moross)
Hell, I would do that.  
Let me re-iterate how hot Cai is.


But Cai (who miiiiight be a little bitter at this point) says that the straight girls are almost never serious, and that most times she's actually showed interest back, the girl backs the fuck away. 


Do you get why Cai calls this sport fishing
Cause you don't actually eat the fish? 
Ha.


CJ calls this exact same phenomenon - where a straight girl flirts with you, "tries you on", tries to get you to do her little favors, and tests her ability to attract you - a dry run


Nobody gets wet during the dry run.
 [via imjustateenagedirtbag]
The girl who is sport fishing is not interested in dating women. 


Juuuust interested in seeing if she can get the cute lesbian to want her. 
Testing power. 
Do you guys know what I'm talking about? 


Don't get me wrong.  Most straight girls are cool as hell.  Funny, clever, sassy, feminist, and hot as fuck.
[via lookbookdotnu]
But we're not talking about the cool straight girls, here.


We're talking about the random ones. 


The  girls who have thrown you for a fucking loop.
How 'bout it, mos? 
Anybody out there got a Sandra
Or been Cai?


Have you ever gotten an absolutely. weird. reaction from another women about being gay? 


(by jake morgan)
Something you wouldn't expect?

183 comments:

  1. I used to do that sport fishing thing pretty much without realizing I was doing it. Then I figured out - oops - that I am in fact gay. Yeah. So... this would be the part where I should slink out of the room...

    But in my defense, I can recount that when I finally got up the courage to go to therapy, the first therapist I saw, after I spilled my guts for an hour, didn't believe I was gay. (I never went back, of course...)

    Slinking away now...

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  2. Oh my, have I been Cai many times. I'm quit e wary now of the otherwise straight girl who suddenly show interest in a provoking yet casual way, a pretty cheap ticket to a higher self-esteem I think, checking if they're hot enough to get the lesbian interested.

    I even had a Sandra once, but she kinda came round, very very very slowly.

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  3. Straight guys go sport fishing on gay guys too. I've been in the situation 2-3 times where a 'straight' guy has been overtly sexual in their actions towards me, said certain things, etc.

    I totally think in most cases they're totally gay/bi/wanting to experiment but just can't admit it.

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  4. "Straight guys go sport fishing on gay guys too. I've been in the situation 2-3 times where a 'straight' guy has been overtly sexual in their actions towards me, said certain things, etc."

    Me again, didn't finish what I was saying...

    Meant to say: "But when you confront them about it they deny it completely."

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  5. So the thing they taught me in med school--which has way fewer hot people of any stripe than TV would have you believe, let me tell you--is that the Gay can be caught from water vapors that have touched another Gay, and then you breathe them in, and get Gay Pneumonia.

    It's like Legionnaire's Disease, except for Bikram.

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  6. yeah, see i live in idaho. the whole "cool"-being-the-acceptable-reaction-to-someone-being-gay thing doesn't apply here unfortunately. here in buttfuck hillbillyville, us gayelles have to stick together, so i just don't go around the people who react like that any more.

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  7. As a Yalie, let me be the first to say FUCK YESSSS so excited to see you here!

    And while I haven't ever had a Sandra situation (if a city is anti-homophobic, a liberal college campus is even more so) I have definitely been Cai'd all over the place. It gets hella old. And I'm not even that hot!

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  8. I love the term "sport fishing!" The yoga story though ticked me off, seriously what does she think is going to happen?! Gah! I have had some odd reactions, like how some women assume that we are attracted to ALL women just because we are gay! Really? Are you attracted to all the men in this world?

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  9. I hope I've never been that straight girl. I find out someone is a gay and I think "OH THANK GOD! This means that there is a 98% chance we agree on everything and can enjoy rolling our eyes at everything the straight white guys say together." I may flirt, but I flirt with all women.

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  10. Oh my GOD everything makes so much sense here.

    I have talked and talked and TALKED about how I have this "straight girl problem." The PROBLEM being that straight girls get all kinds of freak-weird when they find out that I am a LESBIAN.

    Now...I am no CAI, but here's the thing. I am an UNEXPECTED LESBIAN...unless you've read the entirety of this incredible and life-affirming blog...people just aren't aren't aren't SEEING IT.

    SO. What happens? Reaction? I tell them I'm GAY. They say COOL. Then. My straight friends who have been nothing but lovely straight friends start having an active interest in my sex life, like to buy me drinks, talk about how maybe they've thought about girls but...(then they wait)...and see how I'm GON'TAKE'THAT. (What?)

    And I have to agree with Cai here. 1. Because I'm just not that hot. 2. Because if I were to grab one of them and even come close to their face they would be TERRIFIED of what I might do to them.

    The thing is this. As a (to the untrained eye) straight-looking lesbian, I am SUCH FAIR GAME FOR SPORT FISHING. I'm SO much like the rest of their friends, and they are SO much girly-hotter than the ladies I hang with. Shouldn't I be in LOVE with them? And I'm just so safe! I'm so nice! And mostly, I'm just like THEY ARE! Of course, of course, they don't know why I'm so hot for what's-her-dykie-face when I could be fantasizing about THEM!

    Ah. It's a VERY PRESENT ISSUE in my world! (And apparently, many other people's). I am so glad that you brought it up. You are a wonder.

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  11. I had kind of a weird experience once. The opposite of Sandra maybe?

    I'm a nursing student (you're right by the way...there are a shit-load of lesbians in healthcare) and for our Health Assessment class we had to pair up, complete a health history and an *almost* complete physical exam, including a breast exam. I told the girl, pre-breast exam, that I was gay saying that if she was uncomfortable, I would be completely okay with talking to the prof and getting a new partner. No. Big. Deal. But no, she said it was completely okay. No problem. Bring it on. And she had no apparent problem the day of.

    Anyways, I was talking to another gay girl in my class who's good friends with her and she was telling me that when she came out, this girl absolutely shit a brick and had a really hard time accepting it and to this day, is quite homophobic. So I guess gay girl groping your boobs is okay but your gay friend coming out, not so much? I was floored.

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  12. To the Yalie lady, bring a camcorder will ya? Please? Please?? Thanks!!! It could be like a live blog thing...

    I've never been Cai'd but what you could do with Sandra is... I dare you to accidentally purposefully touch her! Better naked than not. That'll freak her out nice.

    Just kidding!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sport fishing = hitting on people you're not really interested in because they might be flatteringly attracted to you, right? I do that...but who doesn't do that?!

    Theory: it has less to do with reacting to queerness weirdly, and more to do with equal-opportunity power-flaunting. Except some straight girls definitely bring out their middle-school-level game when hitting on ladies because they have not had enough chances to practice.

    But also there so many closeted(-to-themselves) queer ladies. I was one! Isn't inept flirting followed by feigned ignorance part of the standard coming out process?

    Also as stated above we queermos at Yale (and at least one straight boy I know) COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED that you are coming to talk here. You may be asked to sign stuff (e.g. boobs), bring a fancy pen.

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  14. Every straight girl I've come out to has either immediately asked, or has waited a while to sliiiiip it in casually, "So... were you ever attracted to me at all?" And I never know what to say to that. :S Be honest? But what if it freaks them the crap out? Blah.

    Is it weird that I can understand the mindset of not wanting to get into the shower with a gay lady? I don't like disrobing in front of ANYONE I feel might be attracted to me sexually. I don't get naked in front of guys, or gay girls. But then again I'm a prude. It's just embarrassing. She wouldn't hop in a shower with a guy she wasn't sleeping with, so why hop into a shower with a girl who's interested in lady parts, and who she's not sleeping with. I dunno. :/ I see it as less homophobic and more just modest? I guess. (Again. Total prude. Haha.)

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  15. I want to see a picture of Cai, please.

    ReplyDelete
  16. For the Sandra situation, who knows. Maybe she was raised around a really homophobic environment, maybe she has some negative experiences with women, maybe she's a bitch - really hard to tell. I'd say your best bet in this particular situation is to just let her have her space. I know I'd be tempted to taunt her, too (kind of like how you're not supposed to run around dogs or else they'll chase you), but that's not the best response. If you try to take this less personally and give her more space, that would do a lot more towards changing her attitude than to chase her around the locker room like a rabid hyena.

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  17. My crazy roommate dry fishes. Ever since I came out to her she lounges on my lap, holds her arms out and pouts for a hug, and says these silly, flirty lines. -_- I am not interested in her in the least, have made a clear point to NEVER make it seem like I have a thing for her, and it makes me super uncomfortable. She's straight as fuck and clearly just trying to see if she can seduce someone of a different persuasion for shits and giggles. It's not subtle or cute. It's creepy. And it makes me pissy that she EXPECTS me to be infatuated and pouts when I don't respond the way she wants. I am not here to be your personal confidence boost missy. Knock that shit off. Someday I'm going to respond to her just to freak her out. Hmph.

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  18. I'd agree that sometimes the Cai deal is that we are jut another person for straight women to throw their sexual energy out looking for an ego boost from. My sportfishing experiences have been a little more direct. I lost my girlginity to a straight sportfishing roomate! I told her she wasn't my type, so she decided she had to change my mind. I lied, she was SO my type...

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  19. I haven't gotten too many weird reactions from straight girls after coming out, but I have gotten some interesting stuff from people who suspect I'm gay but can't confirm it.

    I'm openly gay at school, but obviously not everyone knows; word doesn't reach every single student. I think I make it fairly obvious, though - I wear a rainbow wristband basically every day of my life, and sometimes a necklace with rainbow beads.

    There's this one girl in my history class. Super-religious, anti-gay, incredibly bitchy. One day she comes up to me, gives me this appraising look, and says, "Your necklace is very colourful."

    "Indeed," I reply.

    "So is your wristband."

    "Quite."

    She gives me that same look again, like she's trying to figure out what this could possibly mean, and walks away.

    People are strange.

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  20. Yes, we would love to see video of real-life Krista speaking at these hot shot colleges! xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. i look pretty straight, so people don't know i'm gay until my face is halfway inside another girl's face, and by that time everyone who's going to already feels uncomfortable anyway so who cares. i don't get the sport fishing thing, ever. i do that to test if someone's a lesbian before i try to bite her ear or something.

    but the point of this is yes, all the people poking needles into you are in fact gay. i'm a piercer. :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yeah, so many girls pull off their tops in front of me in changing room situations. They pretend its being blase, but it seems more like a challenge.
    When I was in the closet there was a girl at school who would go out of her way to touch me or slide pass me so that her body would graze my butt. It was so obvious she was trying to get a reaction and determine whether she was dealing with a lesbian, it was quite insulting.

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  23. Hmmm... the anime picture is from Ouran High School Host Club, which is rather hilarious.

    On topic, I haven't really ever run into any situations like this. I'm not really sure how many of the people in my class know about my sexual orientation (all non-seniors in high school are lesser beings and are not worth taking into account, so sayeth the Law). It's not a secret, it just doesn't come up in everyday conversation much besides between friends or those that I work with. It doesn't typically come up except for the occasional argument with guy friends about who saw Inara from Firefly first.

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  24. i get the sport fishing thing too! the only thing is that most of the time it's straight guys! they seem to take a whole bunchload more interest in me once they find out i'm a lesbian. possibly just an outlier? still, it's pretty hilarious.

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  25. i was renting a room in a house in iowa city, iowa, a liberal college town. this new girl moved into the house. she was an art student, had a nose ring, short hair, looked totally open minded, set off my gaydar a notch, i would like to add. i invited her over for a cup of coffee that first afternoon as a warm welcome. we had coffee and good conversation. that evening i was in the kitchen washing dishes, and she came in. she would barely look me in the eye and was alarmingly cold with me. i was absolutely thrown off.

    from that day on in the house for the next SIX months, she acted like this. she would not engage in conversation. she would not associate with me. we shared the same wall, the same kitchen, the same communal living space and she treated me like i was going to pinch her ass at any moment. it was ridiculous. i did revel in bringing home a cute girl i was seeing to rub it in. i'm pretty sure that someone in the house must have mentioned that i like girls that first day she moved in and she just so happened to be this art student homophobe with a nose ring.

    talk about people with issues! you're not alone in experiencing this!

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  26. aksldjglasg I go to Yale, and I will BE THERE with fucking BELLS ON. As soon as I find out where/when it is. You'd think I'd have received an email about it!

    Personally, I've been pretty lucky. The people I've come out to, as a queer female, haven't reacted weirdly. I like to think that for some of them, I've changed their original prejudices about what queer people are really like. But I'm also in a pretty remarkable environment, and I'm young yet. I'm sure I have plenty of time left to alienate people by simply existing! What a thrill.

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  27. I think I know what you mean about the straight flirting with gay thing. But I think there may be a misconception, and maybe I'm just the exception here but I found that social flirting is a pretty natural way of getting to know someone. I'm very comfortable talking about sex, and I joke about it a lot. I am straight and I have a boyfriend but I kid around a lot. But I always make sure people know I am happily taken.
    I did take an interest in a girl a year ago. I thought she was beautiful and smart and fun, and had I been sexually inclined I would have dated her. But alas, twas not to be.
    I think she felt I was leading her along, when really I was just confused. We are friends now and everything worked out but accidents happen.
    I was honest with her the whole way through though so I'm not sure if that's what you mean.
    When I got my hair cut short I had 5 girls in a coffee shop give me they're number...And I was flattered albeit a little miffed that the simple stereotype of short hair had them calling. Can someone tell me what that's about? What happened to getting to know people?

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  28. I agree with a statement made above about not wanting to be naked around straight guys or gay girls. Personally I wouldn't mind being naked around gay ladies in the dressing room kind of setting (although my girlfriend might mind if I was) but I wouldn't want to be around straight guys, nor would I feel comfortable with a guy being naked around me. Maybe that's how she feels about the gay girlies? I guess the answer depends on how she treats you outside of the shower situation.

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  29. My oh My the famous straight girls AKA mindfuckers.

    They love attention, they love having that feeling of being desired, and they are just a hot mess that every lesbian/bi should run away from.

    As for Shandra, dubyiaa tee eff?

    but here is a funny story, once in my young days when i was like 17 (2 years ago) I was terrified of lesbians, if I saw one down the street and she was walking towards me I would literally avoid crossing paths with her. If one would talk to me I would avoid eye contact and pretend she wasn't there.

    Anyways flashback to today, I am gay as hell and my dream is to be thrown into a pool of lesbians.
    When I walk the streets, restaurants, ikea my only wish is to see many lesbians, tons and get their numbers.

    life is funny you guys.

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  30. TRUTH on homogirls in the medical field, although not so much in dental hygiene, which is my chosen vocation. to the contrary, DH is full of pert, pretty, pleasant straight girls, all of whom seem to maintain a perfect tan and immaculate hair without breaking a sweat, and love to gossip about who is getting married next and what happened on Glee last night.

    I should probably take a moment to add that my school is lodged firmly in the midwest.

    STORY TIME.

    anyhow, I'm in the program, and I'm really, really gay. not that you'd know from looking at me, I guess, because I constantly get pegged as a breeder, unless my lovely, multiracial butch wife is squiring me around. most of the girls tolerate me, but when we all have to change into our scrubs for clinic, I've noticed some of them make sure they're as faaaaar away from me as they can manage in our communal locker room. here's the kicker: of the ones who don't bother to avoid me, at least half of them have called me up at some point, drunk, confessed something resembling bicuriosity (". . .or just drunkenness," my handsome lady says), and wanted to know if I thought they were cute. they have ALL, without fail, gotten incredibly offended when I have honestly told them they aren't my type. one of them has even had the audacity to ask me if I'm really gay, and another is a repeat drunken offender.

    what's up with that? it's a lose-lose situation. either you say they are cute and they flip, or they're not your cup of tea and they insist you don't understand your own sexuality.

    I think what it boils down to is that our society is really hard on women, and straight girls tend to have shaky self confidence. I'm willing to bet a lot of them use lesbians to boost their self esteem, but they wind up feeling weird about it, either because they liked the attention, or they felt guilty about using another person so obviously, or because they were homophobes to begin with.

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  31. Yep, totally been Cai. Most bizarre story so far? I was drunk, and ‘Sandra’ was not. I decide to get in the shower…you know, naked, like people who are showering tend to be. Sandra comes in, undresses, gets in the shower, and proceeds to make out with me. She didn’t think I would remember it the next day. I did. Her excuse? “I just wanted to try it. See what it was like, you know, have a little fun.” Yeah, Sandra, I know. I *know*.

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  32. I spot Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club! The writer of this blog doesn't watch anime, does she?

    My whole track team knows I'm gay. I was a little worried about the locker room situation before I came out, since our locker room is just a tiny bathroom scrunched into the corner of our weight room (while the entire back half of the weight room is the guys' locker room, bathrooms, and showers).

    I haven't had anyone react negatively. Girls will strip and prance around in their frilly little bras with me in the room like it's no problem, which it isn't.

    I've never been in Cai's situation. I would probably be the one freaking out and backing off. I'm desperately shy and awkward in those situations and at my school if a straight girl said that I was making her feel uncomfortable in any way I would probably be kicked out of school. Similar things have happened. Too bad we can't all live in big cities where it's not the status quo to discriminate. Rural Oklahoma ftw.

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  33. The best 'Sandra' case for me I can think of was when I first came out to all my friends (when I was maybe 15) and they were all really cool with it - except for one.
    She must have missed the memo, because it sort of came up in conversation, and she gave me the wide-eyed look of surprise mostly found amidst very sheltered children when faced with something unfamiliar and said, "are you -gay-?!"
    Several of my other friends sort of laughed and I was like "...yes, this is sort of old news" and she stared at me for a minute and then she -backed away from me-.
    You guys, she looked terrified. It was as if I'd suddenly become a dangerous predator and told her that I wanted to cut her open and wear her as a suit.
    I was like, seriously? -Seriously-? A very select few of the straight friends that I have I am attracted to and even then I do nothing about it because, y'know, they're my straight friends. (And I'm a wimp.) And I don't want to be mean about my friends but this isn't exactly the most attractive girl in the world we're talking about. (Admittedly, she's kind of ugly.) I was utterly baffled.
    I think I was something of a Cai the last time I saw one of my best friends (one of the ones I am wildly attracted to) and went clubbing with her and all her scary hetero friends. The girls were scary intense and they interrogated me about being gay. One of them declares with this amazed look on her face (every time I see her), 'oh my GOD! You are SO INTERESTING! I've never met anyone as INTERESTING as you!' (In my head I replace the word 'interesting' with 'gay' and it makes me feel happy.)

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  34. I keep having straight girl acquaintances come up to me --completely out of the blue, mind you-- just to say verbatim, "I'm not a lesbian, but I think you're really hot!"

    Like...thanks? For qualifying that statement? For the compliment? I don't get ittt.

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  35. I'm nice and queer but I have this issue. Obviously lesbian women come into my place of work and I drop things and run away and can't look them in the eyes. It's awful! They must all think I am a terrible and bigoted person.
    Perhaps sandra was interested and now she knows you have a partner, she's all freaked out?

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  36. Ha! NGL, I've done the dry run a few times with guys. But I'm just evil.
    Okay, the reaction thing!
    My ~best friend~ is a closeted bigamist and refuses to acknowledge my ~almost~ gf. Just awkwardly avoids it. Today, when we were having coffee I was like "well, I mean this in the best way possible, you should probably have kept your pants on longer."
    She said, "well, at least I know I'm not a lesbian".

    It's straining our friendship, she doesn't get it.

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  37. First, I am a new reader and absolutely fell in love with this blog. Annnnd my name happens to be Krista too! (I like to call it fate).

    I've seen plenty of "sport-fishing" in my day. Never directed towards me. But you all know what I'm talking about when I say the lesbian who absolutely every girl is, on some level, attracted to, right? No matter what their sexual orientation is. Me and my friends like to call these lesbians "crack for lesbians," however I suppose the more accurate term would be "crack for bi-curious girls." Otherwise entirely heterosexual girls will have little crushes on these "crack for the bi-curious."
    For some, flirting with these lesbians may be the beginning stages of coming out or exploring their sexuality, for others it could just be to see if a lesbian would be attracted to them (ego-booster, as previously mentioned). Honestly, I think it's just curiosity about a sexuality that they are not very familiar with. I think most girls get excited when there is the potential for someone (of any gender) to be attracted to them.

    I hate to admit it but I used to get nervous around non-hetero girls. This is back when I wasn't out to myself. I was subconsciously attracted to them-but wait, I couldn't be cause I was straight so AHHH. I think the attraction made me nervous. Now that I'm a flamer, I would much rather be in the company of non-heteros. It was all a process of being comfortable with who I am. It's a possibility that Sandra could be in the same awkward stage that I was once in.

    You're definitely on to something...the dynamic in friendships changes instantly when straight girls learn that a female friend is gay. They are no longer just a friend, they are all of a sudden someone who could potentially be attracted to them.

    Anywho, that's my contribution.

    Oh and by the by, "Y'allfags" is officially my new favorite term in the entirefuckingworld.

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  38. I'm a third wheel in the most annoying "sportfishing" situation right now. Gay friend is the boi-ish lesbian every woman is attracted to, straight friend is insane, obsessive, has low self esteem and is bored with her boyfriend/life. As I'm one of straight friend's very few gay friends, she decided that I should be the one to hold her hand through her sexual identity crisis. As a result, I have been chaperoning these two ever since gay friend found out about straight friend's crush and decided to entertain herself by flirting back. The most annoying part is that straight friend refuses to get it through her head that gay friend is not about to leave her live-in girlfriend. So I get to hear non-stop about how "I'm not attracted to women, I'm attracted to her as a PERSON," read and interpret all of the flirtatious texts, etc. Favorite part so far: when I asked straight friend if, were she to hook up with gay friend, would she want to reciprocate? "I don't know, maybe it's just my WASPY-y upbringing, but I don't even know what that would entail." I'm currently trying to think of something terrifying that I can tell her is the primary lesbian sex act so she'll drop it and leave me alone.

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  39. Argh, goodness yes. You'd think it'd be good to be someone's trophy lesbian. It's not. It sucks.

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  40. I refused to join a sports team in high school because I was sure that my gayness was going to show if I saw a girl naked. I had a lot of issues to work through.
    I think this girl has the same mindset, she's scared of feeling anything, so she runs away from it. In her panicked mind she cannot understand how you can be so cool about it. She probably thinks you get off on it, like a guy would if he saw a naked girl. BUT she should still be nice to you, if this is the case. she should say hi and be friendly. otherwise she is just bigoted.
    and sport fishing has happened to me more times than i care to remember. i always thought girls were cruel and were trying to embarrass me. but now that i'm ok with being gay, nothing makes me happier than looking at them straight in the eye and letting them know how not interested i am.

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  41. I've gotten a Sandra and been a Cai.

    The Sandra thing was kinda weird because I was one of those babydykes that wore every gay symbol known to history. It was not enough to be out, I wanted people to know I was gay from 20 feet away.

    I was at a party and I was talking to this girl for quite awhile on the couch. Just chatting since I was honestly interested in someone else there and I have a one woman mind or something. This girl leans over to get a closer look at my earring. It's a double venus symbol. She asks what's it mean, and I say it's a lesbian symbol. I shit you not, she climbed over the back of the couch to get away from me. I don't know if she was afraid I'd look at her ass if she just excused herself and stood up like a normal person or what.

    I've been in Cai's position more often. I don't think it's because I'm all that hot either. I think it's because I'm boyish and attracted to women, and yet not in a privileged position. Does that make sense? It's always felt more like a power-play to me, like teasing the animals at the zoo. They can flirt with me, but I've got boundaries I can't cross.

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  42. I have this old school friend who has developed an annoying habit since I started fucking women. She has always flirted with me, which is fine - she flirts with everyone, constantly, it makes her feel pretty. But now when we see each other (once every few years) she will without fail make a joke at some point in the evening that goes something like "I guess we could sleep together, but you're just not my type". She says it in that trying-too-hard-to-sound-casual way. Makes it clear that she's worried I'm hoping something would happen between us. My "yeah, I'm really not into you either" always comes out awkward (because I'm thinking "Jesus, this again - seriously?!") but I'm pretty sure she hears it as disappointed embarrassment because I'm secretly in love with her. Argh.

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    Replies
    1. This is two years later, but what about a "Don't worry, if you'd been my type we'd have already done it".

      Delete
  43. First off.. a couple responses on here were commenting on the fact that maybe this girl is just reacting to a lesbian in the shower the same way she would to a man, knowing they're attracted to women. Sorry, but that's ridiculous. This girl just sounds like she has never experienced a gay person before, and doesn't know how to handle it. If she were only uncomfortable because you could potentially be attracted to her, it would be safe to assume she'd be 100% comfortable showering with gay men, which I highly doubt is the case (but who knows). It's bullshit, and makes me angry. I sympathize, and really hope it all passes.

    As far as the fishing goes...I'm going to be honest here.. As a fairly straight looking lesbian, I love it. I think it goes both ways. All my straight girl friends can flirt which me, knowing that I understand they're straight, and I can innocently flirt back, boosting there ego's or what have you. Either way I get beautiful women letting me get away with much more than most of our guy friends ever could. The fact that they don't want to date or marry me, or even sleep with me, could matter less. It's all in good fun.

    Also...for the shower situation. Show up wearing a giant strap on next time. I think that will really ease the tension.

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  44. who hasn't gotten this reaction, if only once, no matter where you live, no matter how liberal the place might be???

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  45. Kinda agree with the anonymous a few above me- It's fun to flirt with straights when they flirt with you (strangely I have no problems doing that, but get me in the same room with a hot queer girl and watch my game disappear faster than my ability to construct coherent sentences!).

    Since I get a hell of a lot of 'I've always been curious, but...' from women (and a lot from bicurious men, strangely enough) I've developed a few strategies to dealing with it

    1) if they are doing it in a really self conscious way, like they really need to know they are desirable something like
    'do you find me attractive/ would you be interested in me?'
    'well you are a friend, so I don't really see you like that, but if we weren't friends, then yeah, sure, you are a very attractive woman, anyone would be lucky to have you'

    b) someone just being attention seeking/ Katy Perry-esque
    'Oh my God! we should totally make out/ hook up, wouldn't that be fun/hilarious?'
    *really over the top, totally not seriously* 'Oh my God! that would be hilarious! The world would totally explode from the awesomeness of the two of us coming together! (changing the subject really quickly) Lets do shots!!!'

    c) people who look like they might actually be questioning. Just gently flirt with them, so they know they could be desirable to the same sex, never initiate anything, and offer support (not the in-the-pants kind of support)
    'I'm pretty sure I'm bi, I mean, I've never done anything with a girl, but...'
    'cool stuff, I know a lot of people in your boat. Did you want me to introduce you to them?'

    d) finally, those AWESOME straight friends who will flirt with you, dirty dance etc, but never try anything, and you never try anything. Just enjoy! Don't take it to be something it's not, just use it as practice for the gayelles in the world

    I love my straight friends, and there is only one whose constant hitting on me gets annoying (mostly because I am good friends with her boyfriend as well)

    And seriously medicine is full of lesbians? I'm in med school with 400 other people, only 1 of whom is lesbian (they did a survey in a lecture). Not great odds in my book :(

    Maybe I need to start spending more time around the allied health/ nursing staff?

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  46. I love this expression: sport fishing. That's exactly it. It has been done to me. My good manners prevent me from calling her a /$%?&* tease, but believe me, it's how it feels.

    For the shower thing: use a real scientific approach and use a different shampoo. See if her reaction changes.

    Seriously, she might be treating you the same way she would treat a straight guy: as a potential predator. Hence her not wanting to let you see her naked (and wet)...

    And you are right: the only good answer to "I'm gay" is "Cool".

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  47. Sandra sounds like one of those, we'll call it, a closeted homophobe. Maybe she's new to the big city and back where she's from gay girls stay in the closet lest they get the gayness christ-beaten out of them. You may be her first CLOSE encounter with a real, live lesbian! She seems spooked. Here you are being totally friendly, personable, feminine, normal, into the same things as her! (yoga, showering after yoga, blow-drying your hair). How can this creature seem so normal when God says they're so EVIL?

    Maybe she's never had to mentally process being so close to a confirmed lesbian. It's like when you're interacting with homophobic friends or family that you haven't come out to yet but they KNOW you're gay. As long as you're in the closet about being gay, they can be in the closet about being utterly disgusted by you, and gayness in general. Before CJ she had a veil of ignorance shielding her naked body from your gaze, now every time shes naked around you her brainwashed upbringing is reminding her that you are a predator and will pounce any minute.

    Sandras are great opportunities for fulfilling our required community service as a gay person. AKA educating the ignorant or purposefully bigoted public about the truth about gay people. Yes, we sometimes look just like you and enjoy the same things you do. No, we are not men, we are not automatically attracted to anything with tits and unable to control our urges if we are.

    I'm surprised she didn't start bringing her swim suit to shower in. When I was a pregay gal in my early teens I did this at camp in the communal showers, as if somehow covering myself helped me feel like I would be safe from the whole concept of naked girls all in one room. The truth is I never ended up having a problem with this, well, because, communal showers are just not a place for flirting! They are awkward and uncomfortable for everyone and are usually taken rushed. A reasonable person, even ignorant, should think "hey, this girl has been gay the whole time and never creeped on me in the shower before. ive always felt comfortable around her, this is something I don't need to worry about" DONE.

    Or it can come to this: next time she hauls ass out of the shower, suds-blazin', you should call out "Sandra, hon, you saw my favorite little piece right? Why the hell are you even worried YOU are my type?!" Offensive, but gets the point across.

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  48. Guhhh, this has sort of been the case with my two best friends. Every since I came out, the both of them have had major fucking sexual orientation problems. They sincerely want to join the gay club. Friend 1 has already gotten her alternative lifestyle haircut and everything. She wants me to take her queer-spotting and flirts heavily with me. She might actually qualify to join le gay club; the jury's still out on that one.

    Friend 2 has been heavily flirting/cuddling with her still-in-the-closet friend at college because she is lonely and wants affection. To her credit, she is finally coming to terms with the fact that she's not gay and should therefore not lead on babydykes. A couple days ago she sent me a text saying "If I really were a lesbian, I have no clue why I wouldnt go after you. That shoulda been sign number one of my heterosexuality." Word, my dear, word.


    DYKES, WE'RE SO POPULAR. EVERYBODY WANTS IN OUR PANTS.

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  49. Does she strip down and shower with you in the same vicinity (read eyeshot)? Because, if so, then I think she's probably avoiding you in the shower because she's afraid you'd pounce or something.

    But if she's avoiding being seen naked at ALL around you, regardless of proximity, she could just be "prudish". The last time I was in shower situation with other girls, I was so prudish I wouldn't let ANYONE see me even half unclothed (and still won't let people see me naked).

    I guess because of that, I'm just not seeing why not wanting to be naked and soapy in the vicinity of someone who MIGHT be attracted to you is inherently homophobic.

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  50. This is a fascinating topic, I think. If sexuality didn't play a role, men and women would shower together. Most societies dictate that opposite, and perceived attracted, sexes should not be naked together. However, I would propose that nearly all, if not all, straight men and women are somewhat curious about homosex. So, would it be best to have a gay only shower? Then you have men and women showering together though...what about bis? Holy shit, we're going to need 8 showering stations at the local YMCA!

    Seriously, it could be she's not comfortable because she doesn't have gay friends. Or maybe she had a bad shower experience with someone who was inappropriate. Why don't you talk to her about it? You could help her understand that gays, like breeders, aren't inherently predatory. I have showered with gay and straight men, and have had uncomfortable moments with both of them. I don't really enjoy showing with men regardless. I prefer showering with straight men though...who act appropriately. However, I would much rather shower with a gay man than some pervy married guy who shampoos his hair while facing me and checks out my junk.

    Decorum...that's all we really want. We are tired and sweaty, and want to feel physically and emotionally clean...Oh, I also want you to speak in Nashville. That's all.

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  51. As I'm not officially 'out' yet, I'm yet to experience what you have with 'Sandra'. But what a bitch (if you'll excuse my language): I can imagine having to experience something similar had I come out in secondary school.
    Just wanted to say, I love your blog - it totally gives me hope.

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  52. I've been a Sandra, but NOT for the reasons you think....
    As a "late bloomer" I had this H-U-G-E crush on an acquaintance..she was very butch and VERY sexy....Then "isn't it ironic...don't you think meeting her beautiful wife" I was floored...and heartbroken. I had a very hard time being around her, or talking to her. I was so afraid she would pick up on my feelings that I had to stay away- I am no homowrecker!

    Maybe there are other things going on with Sandra....

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  54. I've been Cai (though probably not as good-looking as I am lead to believe she is). And it is rather annoying but I caught on to this pretty quickly. I find that the most frustrating (for them) and amusing (for self) is to play their game. Give answers to questions such as the cleavage one you gave as an example with ambiguous answers which, when taken out of context, an be purely friendly but in such a charged conversation are easily interpreted as a return flirtation salvo. Then you confuse the crap out of them by totally not rising to it the next time. Sport fishing is only fun when the fish fights back after all. And sometimes the fish gets away and they're left feeling rather stupid for getting all wound up /over-extended metaphor

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  55. As another Yalie, OMG SO EXCITED THAT YOU'RE COMING HERE!

    And I definitely "sport fished" with friends for years... but then I came out. So. Yeah.

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  56. This past weekend a pal had two of her good friends in town. Both of these girls are married and love baby jesus very vocally.

    When they get around me, they find me exotic. Oh my! A lesbian! How rare! What a treat! Let me test it!

    One says things like "You're my newest girl crush" and "If I ever had a foursome it'd be with __, __, and you, of course!" Mind you, from what I hear this girl is barely sleeping with her husband, and I predict a homo-piphany in the future.

    The other girl... straight. up. grabbed. my boobs. Apparently because I'm gay, I am interested in all women and welcome inappropriate touch from near strangers.

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  57. WAIT YOU'RE COMING TO YALE OMG OMG OMG I'M SO EXCITED I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME!!!! AHHHHH THIS LIKE BLOWS MY MIND I HOPE I GET TO MEET YOU!!!!!!!!

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  58. My favorite moments of this ilk have been had working in a new office.

    This one woman, who wears a lot of straight-girl plaid, is really a Tea Bagger/Crazy Person. So this situation doesn't quite fit the query posed (e.g., otherwise sane woman who behaves stupidly on discovering your dykeness), but I'll tell the tale anyhow.

    Until recently when she needed something, which everyone ultimately does from IT-girl, she would stand approximately 3 feet away in the door of my office and project her needs to me in a loud, forceful voice. You know, the type of voice one might use if making sure someone - anyone - knew you were progressing down the scary alley at 3 am to get your car.

    So. Naturally I make a point of picking the seat next to her at any/all company gatherings, and go out of my way to make small talk with her in the break room, about all the fun things my wife and I did last weekend. Honestly, seeing her squirm is worth every bit of energy it takes.

    People are idiots, but they are definitely good for a laugh.

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  59. I think Sandra's in the closet. This is all.

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  60. That used to happen to me at work. My lead became infatuated with me and would flirt, dress up for me, grind on me at clubs, but if I ever even said anything the whole "I'm straight" yell would come out. Damn tease. Since then I pay no mind to straight girls.

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  61. I'm going to confess to a terrible habit. I'm a baby dyke in a land of hetros (a snotty little town called Reigate consisiting of Chrisitians and old people) and I kiiiiiiind of sport fish... But with the straight girls. Lemme 'splain. I know they're straight, they're all on their best behaviour, no flirting with me, yes good.... And then I go up to them and say something along the lines of "You're so pretty. I love (whatever) about your outfit/hair/makeup today!" And throw 'em a big smile. I THINK I'm testing my friends, seeing if they can handle me being gay near/to them. But they're all good sports and generally make a joke out of it.
    I've never really been a Cai, except for with one friend. She is not and will never be my type. But if she's chatting to me and the others about say, a new bra, and then lifts her neckline away to show us, she'll give me a little secret smirk. Like "Ohhhh, you enjoyed that? Did you enjoy looking down my top? Well I hope you enjoyed it, 'cause it ain't never happening between us."
    Never had a Sandra. Closest I got to that was being introduced to a guy I'd been chatting to fine for a few minutes as "My lesbian friend" (WHY? That's not my defining fucking feature!), to which he responded, "Oh. Well, no offence. But you're sort of a witch. And you'll be going to hell."
    ...I was the one backing away. A witch. What is the world coming to.

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  62. Sandra is acting the same way that I did before I finally came out. I did (and still occasionally do) get super flustered around dykey gals. I think I thought that dykes had some kind of x-ray vision that could see through my disguise, and of course I was also secretly super attracted to them but couldn't handle or acknowledge it. Therefore my flustered and convoluted feelings resulted in the most awkward, possibly offensively uncomfortable encounters ever.

    Funny though, I think the x-ray vision thing was partly true. Nobody was surprised when I came out... except my parents.

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  63. I am a resident in pediatrics. The team is made women almost exclusively, and I am the only lesbian.
    I want my money back.

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  64. Another Yalie here. SO GLAD YOU ARE COMING!!!!! yay, i will absolutely be there and possibly drag my reluctant girlfriend.

    As a newly gay one, I have not had a Sandra experience, but my girlfriend and I did make a woman move away from us on a very crowded train by being cuddly (meaning hugs, cheek kisses, nothing particularly PDA). She was old though, so her homophobia is probably ancient and permanent.

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  65. Aww, grats on the speech! Knew you'd be ok.
    BTW- poking needles aside, I am a dentist student. ._. I seem to have no gay collegues, may be they're just scared to come out.

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  66. Soo this is embarrassing but I am so the kind of girl Cai has to deal with. So sad. Especially since I'm in a relationship with a boy who's said it's cool if I fool around with other women (and not in a 'only if I get to watch!' kind of way), and most of the lesbians/bi girls I know are either really close friends with me or in committed relationships. So I end up like this sad five year old who's just spotted a potential for candy. Eyes light up, instantly perkier, cuter, WAY flirty, anything to get that candy! And then I'm a nervous drinker...and when I drink I get reallly flirty. And overconfident. Annnd embarrassing. So bad. I need to find a way to calllm my flashing CUTE LESBIAN DESPERATE DESPERATE I AM REALLY DESPERATE alarm for all to see. A-las.

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  67. Cai thing.

    Happens all. the. time.

    I've seen it happen to many of my friends and have had it happen to me, as well. It started out being interesting to watch, but now it's just pretty annoying...:/

    Also, way to go at the Loyola bit!! I really wish I had been able to get there to see you, but maybe next time!

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  68. Also, let me also take this chance to say that I HOPE med school is full of dykes.

    That would be sooooooooooo much better than what I'm expecting!

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  69. Most recent thing thats happened to me:
    I was talking with my brother the other day(who is still in middle school, and I graduated last year from high school) was asking my if I know a girl named mackenzie. I was trying to remember if I did know 1. I did from yeeears ago. But thats about it. So of course I ask why and he tells me that someone asked him if I was his sister cause apparently I was hitting on their sister mackenzie a lot.

    UM no.

    And then I remember offering help to this one girl a few times in class(not in a flirty way) and she was always nice to me, and then she noticed I was dating a girl.

    All the sudden BAM

    oh a lesbian is being nice to me? OBVIOUSLY she's hitting on me.

    Psh. I hate that. Straight girls are always ok with me being nice until they realize I'm gay and then they think I'm hitting on them. hella annoying.

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  70. Haha when I came out to my sister her response was literally,

    "Soooo do ya think I'm hot??"

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  71. Beware the ER!!! Nothing like being disgusting and running into 20 charge nurses and scrub nurses with faux hawks that dyke nod at you. F-A-C-E. P-A-L-M.

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  72. I also think Sandra is in the closet--maybe even to herself, so it makes her feel uncomfortable. I got nervous around lesbians A LOT before I realized I was attracted to women. I was never rude, but I would make an idiot of myself.

    But, I will say--and people are probably going to hate this--I understand in a way why it makes her uncomfortable. I'm bi and there is no way I would shower with a guy standing right next to me. Why should I feel more comfortable showering next to a woman (straight or not)? I hate communal showers and try really hard to be respectful. Just because we are all women doesn't mean we should get a pass for seeing each other naked, especially considering there is a potential to be attracted to somebody and they may not realize you are ogling them. Luckily my gym has stalls.

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  73. as a straight female i would never be uncomfortable showering with a gay girl, even if she openly checked me out i would just be super flattered and stoked (getting checked out by a woman is the highest compliment EVER). she is obviously uncomfortable with her sexuality, as reactions like that stem from an under lying issue with something you see in yourself.

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  74. Hahaha!
    So there's a woman in my department, let's call her Sandra, who made massively homophobic comments the first week of classes.

    I didn't bother to tell anyone about it, but after she got increasingly antagonistic towards me, I did.

    Needless to say, all the New Yorkers, Christian, conservative, whatever, were appropriately horrified, and said what all good, modern, hip 20-30 somethings say "I can't believe she said that"!!!!!

    Since then, she has pulled me into the hallway to let me know that she, too was "out for many years" I still can't decide if this was a plea for help, a come on or panicked self defense.

    In any event, she avoids me at all costs and contradicts everything I say. Amazing!

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  75. I really like your blog. I REALLY like your blog. I’ve never commented on any blog post because I’ve never really seen the point, but I couldn’t resist—I’ve been thinking about this all day:

    Lay off Sandra.

    Seriously.

    Maybe there’s more to the situation than we’re getting, but if it’s really that she doesn’t want to shower with you, it doesn’t make her a “homophobe” or a “bitch” or a closet-case or many of the words commenters are throwing around.

    It might not seem fair, and I am sorry if it makes you feel bad, but she just doesn’t want to be naked in the shower with you. It doesn’t mean she thinks you’re predatory or that you’re going to ‘pounce’ on her. It can be so much less than that. J. Lee Elliott called it modesty and I think she’s on to something. I don’t get naked in front of straight men. It’s not because I think they’ll jump me, but they’re attracted to women. It sexualizes the nakedness. It’s exposing in a completely different way.

    Just because someone’s not comfortable being naked with a lesbian doesn’t mean she’s homophobic. And just because you’re comfortable with the situation and know that you’re not taking advantage of bit doesn’t mean she has to be. Let her have her own comfort level. If she treats you with respect and kindness in a situation where she feels less exposed, the whole shower thing doesn’t make her a ‘gigantic, conservative, born-again Christian’.

    Anyway, I’m a gay lady myself and a big fan—my girlfriend goes to Yale and I’m crossing my fingers one of my visits will coincide with yours—but I have to say: Be nice. Stop testing Sandra. Let her have her boundaries and be naked in peace.

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  76. When/where will you be at Yale?!

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  77. Like friedarome above said, I think the straight Cai-admirers of the world often are seeking an external boost of confidence, someone to 'prove' their sexiness--minus the complication of returning those feelings or feeling threatened. I bet many of them find a gay woman hitting on them less intimidating than a straight man. When a straight man hits on a straight woman, she might assume (correctly or not) he's a creeper/hits on anyone female/is just trying to get into her pants...so it's a "safe" way for them to be sexual and seek approval.

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  78. To Rei:
    She might be looking at the rainbow thing and thinking it means you are a super-huge Christian. When I moved from a more urban are to western Kentucky, and subsequently came out, I found this out from the store in town that was owned by a huge lesbian, and sold all the queer stuff, including rainbow-y stuff. She said the two types of people who came in the store and bought the stuff were a) gays, and b) Baptists.
    I think the gays knew the Baptists were there, but not sure the Baptists were aware of the gayness.
    So maybe she thinks you are a queer or a Christian. But probably she doesn't think you're both.
    http://www.biblestudy.org/question/what-does-a-rainbow-symbolize-in-bible.html

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  79. So now I realize I've totally been sport-fished by a former co-worker who's bicurious when drunk and an annoying conservative when sober. At the time I was just confused about why she seemed to be hitting on me, even after she'd met my girlfriend. And I ain't no Cai, either.

    But I've also experienced kind of a parallel to the Sandra experience. While changing around straight friends or women at the pool, I get this panicky feeling sometimes, like "OMG I can't look at them or even make eye-contact or they'll think I'm this huge gay perv watching them"...basically I expect them to react like Sandra. Even when they don't and they're cool, liberal people.

    I think it's the internalized Southern-raised homophobic adolescent still in me that panics. I think it'll go away with time and experience, and that'll probably happen with Sandra. That, or she'll come out and admit she has a huge crush on you and feels awkward about it.

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  80. Having only had my dyke-dom hammered and confirmed into me recently, (it's a running joke that my two time ex only dates lesbians now. I'm fairly sure I shouldn't be proud) that post up there explains soooo much about my relationships with het-kind. Seriously, I've had girls pulling that shit with me for years and never really noticed. I'd say, 'I'm bi leaning towards girls' and she'd be all- 'Does this push my tits up too much?'. My answer is always, 'Depends on who you're trying to impress. A brothel or a footballer.'

    I just thought it was kind of funny that they'd think I'd notice/care. But I was the special gay friend so it was always good to know who they were impressing. Frankly, considering where I live they could ask any third woman on the street and get an appropriately fagtastic answer.

    I am not bitter. Really. Not at all.

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  81. Sports fishing! I like to call it catch and release...
    Two situations.
    1. I invited my friend Michelle to a bike ride with a my very openly gay friend and I. Me being queer but not that open about it (aka I think M figured it out on the bike ride because I was flirting hard core w/ other girl). The next time I saw her she was ultra touchy-feely and the second time she kept kissing me on the cheek and trying to hug me. All things that she never really did before then. Almost flaunting/testing the waters to see if she could get me to bite. Annoying!
    What did she want to see, if I would pounce on her exposed throat??
    2. Lesbian friend comes to dinner. New roommate gets all sorts of interested. Next day/week starts making all sorts of small talk with me/wanders into my room/sits on bed/flirts hardcore and asks me about my Putumayo Latin CDs all nonchalantly. Says she looooves Buena Vista Social Club and have I ever been to Spain. Note, new roommate was stand-off ish before L friend came over.
    WTF. I am not your confidence booster!!!

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  82. Yes, mine is named Bonnie. It started with comments about wanting to kiss a girl then to wanting to see what it was like to kiss me. We would talk on the phone and flirt; she would touch and caress me while we worked, it was trip. Then she would tell me about dreams that she would have of me, of kissing and having sex with me. Finally the tension between us started to boil over, that is when she turned around and said I basically imagined the whole thing. I still talk to her but I keep my guard up. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and it is so easy for me to fall for someone.

    There was this other woman I used to work with that would flirt with me and was willing to carry on a little thing on the side with me. Though this doesn’t really fall under the same category as “Sport Fishing” or “Dry Run” since I would have her screaming my name and dripping off my chin…it was more like a “Free Trial”. Much like someone ordering a Bowflex because there is a 30 day free trial and returning it before their credit card is charged. Soon as she had her fill she decided she didn't feel comfortable with me anymore. It was about a year before I would talk to her again. She called me one afternoon, wanting to be friends and asked if I could help her paint her house before she moved. Stupid me, I agreed. Soon as I was alone with her she was at it again, talking about how much she wanted me and how she would think about me. Then she kisses me but when I tried to kiss her back she reacted like I was about to rape her.

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  83. I actually have a lesbian friend who likes sport fishing for straight girls. When I first met her she assumed I was straight, didn't realise my partner and I were an item and got herself into a seriously sticky spot flirting with me... And all the while she was taken anyway. I guess though, the question is sport fisher, or just a sleazy, sleazy girl?

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  84. I used to act (note: act, not "be" - at first I was self-aware, then it was an unconscious thing) uncomfortably around openly gay women before discovering I'm also queer. And lesbians who liked to taunt me by kissing each other whenever I'm in eyesight never really helped with the comfort level either, heh.

    Do you talk to Sandra at all these days (when you two aren't bumping into each other in the shower, of course)? Maybe you could try doing yoga a few spaces away from her for a while, and check if she ever looks into your direction again or tries to talk to you. Or you could talk to people (other yoga-practicing women, the instructor, her pals...) with whom she would want to join the conversation and see what happens.

    Otherwise, her shell cannot be forced open.

    And umm... sport fisherwomen could not do without attention, and that leads to drama, and women are rather dramatic. Does this cycle ever clear up? When will we all be too old to put up with this crap?


    P.S. Come to the Left Coast, pretty please!

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  85. Ohhh.....sport fishing. As a ridiculously straight looking(I look a lot like a soccer mom) dyke, I've dealt with this many a time.
    Not only will they flirt, but they'll say something like, "If I were going to date a girl, it would be you". I'm not sure if they're just messing with me or they're trying to see if I'm interested, but I am definitely not going there.
    Sometimes I wonder if it is because I am so straight looking.... I think they see me as nonthreatening.....

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  86. So a friend of mine had this friend that she often slept over at. Later she found out that she's bi, and after that she never slept at her place anymore..when I asked her why, she said "She could've raped me!" wtf? Yeah, I don't even know.

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  87. Sport-fishing applies to so many other situations - there are people who only go after others in a relationship, for example. People who want to "try on" others of another race/ethnicity. And, yes, lesbians who ONLY seek (presumably) straight girls (or gay men who want presumably hetero)which does the exact same thing - big boost to the ego. It's a human thing, not just a lesbian thing.

    While I don't condone leading someone on and subsequently hurting their feelings - exploration, especially of the sexual variety, is always a positive in my eyes.

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  88. OMG...I am totally polluted with optimism??? I totally though she was avoiding the shower for a moment because you hang out with people who have hairy armpits...hangs head

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  89. I call it straight girl arrogance (hot or not) - when some friends I hadn't talked to in years reconnected with me on FB and found out I was gay, there was this very obvious change in them along the lines of oh-my-gosh-you're-GAY-that-must-mean-you-want-ME-because-I-am-a-woman-and-clearly-lesbians-like-any-woman-and-we-used-to-be-friends-so-you-must-have-secretly-wanted-me-so-now-I-must-fleeeeeeee...

    So thank you for spreading the word that hey, straight girls, just because we're gay, doesn't necessarily mean we want YOU (although hey, straight girl, you could do a lot worse).

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  90. and yeah...my sister thinks she is uber cool because she has a "gay sister" and her friends wanted to know if I wanted them, then couldn't understand why not.

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  91. Sandra sounds like a character. Who does that anymore??? The idea that lesbians simply won't be able to help themselves around other women is a myth that I grew up hearing about (in fact, it is the primary reason I was afraid of coming out to my straight girl friends...surely they would think I was attracted to THEM and it would ruin our friendships). It's such a comical misconception. We might as well be witches and practice spells and shit.

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  92. The yoga class shower scene story made me smile. I can only imagine the horror in her mind once she realized the reality of the situation. I'm fairly open minded, I think if that were me, I'd have an "oh" moment and then carry on, I mean, you've already seen me naked, what's the difference now other than new knowledge in my head. I hope she stops freaking out, but in the meantime, happy screwing with her, I totally get why you're doing it. Your biggest straight fan :)

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  93. I already read this post 20 times. You have to write more often, I love to read your stuff! Have a nice weekend! <3

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  94. The gays at Yale are freaking out that you're coming. You have quite the cult following here...

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  95. Ew. Yale.

    I go to Brown, and we would LOVE to have you here!! What would we have to do for that to happen, pleasepleaseplease?

    Also, to add some pity to this plea, we had "God's Marriage= 1 Man + 1 Woman" demonstrators the other day. http://www.browndailyherald.com/students-rally-against-anti-gay-marriage-demonstrators-1.2521131
    You would be a pleasant alternative. :)))

    Consider it!!!

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  96. I don't understand why youre offended that she doesn't want to shower with you. I'm sure she wouldn't be ok with heterosexual men showering in there.

    Just because she doesn't want you to see her naked doesn't mean she thinks you'll attack her.

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  97. I agree with anonymous who posted on the 25th at 3:08 pm. Sandra may not be afraid that you will jump her bones, but it's totally respectable that she might not want someone who COULD be attracted to her sexually, see her in the shower. Isn't that why same sex locker rooms where created to begin with? That doesn't make her a homophobe, does it?

    As for Cai, sport fishing is nigh-universal. straight men do it to gay men as well, and straight women do it to straight men who have no real chance with them, and straight men sometimes do it to straight women who are unavailable for them. Who doesn't want some sexually tense attention directed towards them for their charm and physique? Plus, success for the initiator grants internal bragging rights about one's irresistibility.

    Both behaviors, though not preferred, and worthy of some discouraging, totally understandable, no?

    Cut the silly straight folks a break every once in a while. They do stupid things. They can't help it.

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  98. I'm pretty straight, but have definitely heard a lot of sport-fishing complaints from gay friends over the years. I think it's seriously bad form for straight girls to behave that way, and I know gay girls who've been hurt by it.

    I generally assume the Sandras of the world are gay and can't deal with it. I knew a (probably closeted) straight guy who was terrified of taking showers at the gym, because what if a gay guy POUNCED on him?

    It always reminded me of that old saying about people who are afraid of heights: they're not afraid they'll fall, they're afraid they'll jump. By the same token, I think people like Sandra and my homophobic former acquaintance aren't afraid they'll be pounced on: they're afraid they'll like it.

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  99. Some people above are under the impression that Sandra may be simply modest or shy in the company of someone who could be attracted to her. Check Krista's story again. Sandra became visibly uncomfortable when gayness was 1) open and 2) not actually affecting her. Not modesty.

    Love effing dykes, love this effing post.

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  100. I agree completely with this commenter:

    http://effingdykes.blogspot.com/2011/03/did-you-want-to-try-that-on.html?showComment=1301024178140#c5504993219086209696

    Lay off Sandra! As the other commenter said, I absolutely love your blog, but I don't think Sandra is in the wrong here at all. She has every right to determine who she SHOWERS with. She didn't hurt you. She didn't take away any of your rights. She didn't make a fuss to try and keep you from using the 'straight' shower. She probably didn't even think you would do anything differently. She just doesn't want you to see her naked. In the shower. Everyone has a right to that. If they didn't, feminists would have fought for nothing. Everyone should be able to set their own boundaries.

    It would be like, at a predominately gay gym, having a straight guy complaining that the lesbians he was showering with FREAKED OUT when he revealed he was not gay. It's not likely he'll be attacking dangerous dykes in the shower, but the women in that situation would have every right to be uncomfortable.

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  101. I agree with the "aren't afraid they'll be pounced on: they're afraid they'll like it" comment above. I'm 39 now; didn't come out until 31. And until then I was the world's biggest homophobe because not so unconsciously I realized I was attracted to every dyke I saw and it scared the crap out of me!! So I avoided them like the plague...until I finally met one that saw through the charade and led me into this wonderful, wonderful world of Lesbianism! Thank God for her!!

    And oh, yeah...for those of you not finding enough gays in healthcare...check out the nursing staff. We're all gay...some just may not know it yet!!

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  102. http://effingdykes.blogspot.com/2011/03/did-you-want-to-try-that-on.html?showComment=1301099802796#c6675022816878855799

    Yeah, and then complaining that the only reason they feel uncomfortable is because they're secretly straight!

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  103. Oh god, this reminds me of My Most Horrible Slip. During a joking class discussion senior year of high school, we were all discussing colleges, I brought up I'd been accepted to my top choice, Smith. People started laughing about the lesbian population and I replied with something along the lines of YEAH I KNOW I'M SO EXCITED APPARENTLY THERE ARE A LOT OF SEMI-NUDE GIRLS AT PARTIES!!! I had the biggest smile on my face.
    And then everyone was like "oh shit wait she's lesbian." I'm femme so it was never suspected at all.
    Thennnn straight girls that I hadn't even really talked to before started flirting with me, asking me to "sleepovers" at their homes. Even my female teachers started treating me differently, I thought I was imagining it at first but they definitely were more flirty, adjusting their shirts and messing with their hair and such. Frankly, I kind of loved it at first. Was massively affirming to my sexuality. Then I realized I was just a toy. And though I completely support sexual fluidity and those girls rights to explore-- being treated like a toy felt like shit. I don't criticize straight women who do want to experiment with other women, but I do think it's very important that women who are attracted to women consider their own psychological health and what they need in a relationship before getting involved with someone who wants to just experiment.
    I think that's more the problem than straight women seeing lesbians as potential partners, even if only in a vague, unsure I'll-flirt-with-you-but-am-too-afraid-to-go-on manner.

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  104. Ugggh. Sometimes the straight ladies (am one myself) need to have their attractiveness validated by every single person they come across. I really don't, and am not too flirtatious in general (with women or dudes), and though there are about one zillion dykes in my life, none of them ever hit on me...literally, never been approached by a girl. This came up in conversation with another straight friend, and she didn't understand why I wasn't extremely hurt/offended by this....I don't get it.

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  105. Isn't it possible that Sandra no longer wanted to shower with her out of respect for CJ's feelings? That would be my reasoning in that situation - I go out of my way not to flirt with people that belong to other people.

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  106. I'm ashamed, but I used to be a Sandra. I was SOOO closeted in high school. In college, guess what I figured out by my sophomore year!? I am a total gaymo.

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  107. @ March 25, 2011 8:54 PM

    Hmm, that sounds plausible to me. I know it's stupid but I have a strong sense of territory and even sometimes back-off on friendships if I know there is someone involved with them. Not because I'm attracted to them or anything like that, I'm afraid that people will percieve that I'm interested or moving in on their territory.

    And it's also plausible that she thinks ///you/// would be more comfortable showering alone and is doing it out of some misguided sense of kindness.

    Personally, I wouldn't be offended by her behaviour. People are illogical and often don't have good reasons for how they behave. They are also entitled to feel comfortable especially when nudity is involved and as long as their comfort doesn't harm you in any measurable way, then why bother caring?
    There are a lot of bigger things to care about than not being able to share a shower with some person.

    I also think it's best not to assume the worst in people. You can only correlate her behaviour to the approximate time of finding out your a big homo, not that it's the cause of it. There is any number of other explanations that we simply haven't thought of or considered.

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  108. Sandra is just ignorant. Next.

    As a slightly andro gay lady, I get a LOT of girls Sport Fishing with me at school. I'm in Cosmo School - so there are a TON of really beautiful, very STRAIGHT girls, who like to flirt and who are very suggestive, but I know that 1. None of them could really go through with it - at least, not sober, and who wants that? 2. They're all a lot younger than I am...which just makes it weird. 3. I get super annoyed when they use that fucking awful baby-voice when they want to ask me for a favor or ask me to do shit for them, or teach them how to do something.

    Save that shit for men - they love that baby-shit.

    But yeah - straight girls are totally scandalous - they have no shame.

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  109. This happened to me today! STORRRRYY TIMMEEE!

    So I was sitting in a coffee shop with some friends-I sort of assume most of my friends know that I'm gay - I don't hide it or anything but I'm well past the "coming out to everyone like it's a BFD" stage.

    Anyway, a mutual friend walks in. I comment "Oh look, there's [friend]. She looks cute today. It's such a pity she isn't gay."

    I get a whole bunch of o_O from two friends at the table. "You mean.. wait. are you a LESBIAN?!"

    Me: No, I'm bisexual. I thought you'd have figured that out by now.

    Them: o_O "Umm...uh.. I guess there's nothing wrong with liking... you know. Can I ask why? is that offensive?"

    Now they're treating me all weird!
    WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE

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  110. This post is AWESOME! I've been sport fished many a time, and it's pretty annoying, but the worst offender was my best friend of many years ago who I met at a party. I told her I was bi (I'm a big ole dyke nowadays but I was convinced I was bi back then) but that she "wasn't my type". Oh gawd. For the next three years (I was dumb), she would do things like grab my face and french me and then say "she's bi, I'm straight" and prance around naked in front of me like I was supposed to care. We even tried fucking once (don't ask)and it was about as intereting as watching paint dry for both of us. Turns out, she wasn't quite gay, just liked the attention. Shocking, right?

    I recently had a Sandra in the form of a friend who comes from a verrrry conservative culture who kept trying to set me up with men. I told her I'm gay, since she has lots of gay male friends. Yup, not so cool with the lesbos though. And she's totally NOT my type though I may have checked out her ass a time or two. Hey, if your ego is so large that you're going to assume I'm attracted to you then I get a freebie glance or two, right?

    Btw, I've totally been on the other side of sportfishing, but in my defense, no one EVER assumes I'm gay. I mean, I went to an all girls college and walked into a party with my then-gf and one of the women said "OMG I didn't know you were gay, I totally would have hit on you if I knew." Um, thanks? Did I mention we were at one of the SEVEN SISTERS? Pardon me, but I thought gayness was assumed until proven straight there?? So yeah, I'm that lesbo who is totally attracted to the Cai type who'd be (and many times has been) brushed off as just another straight girl sport fishing.

    So, ahem, to all of you who like femmes, don't write off us supposed "straight girls" because we may just be a femme undercover.

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  111. Weirdly enough, I've only ever been sport fished by other queermos. Including an ex-fuckbuddy, who alternates between hating me and trying to sleep with me.

    Trying to think of an explanation; maybe it's just that my friends are actually trying to get in my pants...SAY IT AIN'T SO.

    And since you're going to be at Yale, you might as well make a short detour and come to MIT!

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  112. omg pleaseprettyplease do a tour of colleges in the Northeast! Come to Tufts.

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  113. OMG OMG OMG!! SO FUCKING EXCITED THAT YOU'RE SPEAKING AT YALE! I will totally be there, make sure to update us! xox

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  114. I'm a nurse (i love poking people!) and an unexpected lesbian. When I came out at work, all these straight girls loved it. ALL of them are SUPER FLIRTY with me. Even the chicks old enough to be my mom. I just make a game out of it make it play-fun.

    BUT in college I sat next to this chick in my child development class for 1/2 of the semester, and as soon as I told her I was gay she moved like 6 rows away. When other people found out that's how she reacted, no one would sit with her :)

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  115. It is perfectly normal for a person to feel uncomfortable being naked in front of someone who is attracted to his or her gender even if there is no specific attraction. She should not be obligated to shower with you just because you both have the same bits. The fact that you are intentionally making her uncomfortable shows that you are passive aggressive and juvenile.

    I am a bi woman and I would completely understand if any man or woman did not feel comfortable being naked in front of me regardless of whether or not I find them attractive. Try acting like an adult.

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  116. First of all, you were amazing at Loyola and congrats on Yale. You will be great.

    I'm with a lot of other posters, I think this sport fishing crap happens all across the bored. Straight girls will do it to straight guys and lesbians, etc., etc., etc. It's not fair, pretty annyoying, and all for a little attention. We all need and like a little attention now and then though, right? And I bet if someone is flirting with you they're at least a little bit attracted to you. I can't imagine flirting with someone I wasn't the least bit attracted to.

    Maybe you blogged on this before, but what is more annoying is when people think they can change your sexual orientation. Oh my! I've seen this, surprisingly, way too many times with straight girls coming on to gay men.

    I was really frustrated with the Sandra thing, but then someone brought up her not wanting to shower with a straight guy she wasn't dating. Now, to me it's definitely not the same, but similar, maybe? I don't know. I only know I hate even just changing in the locker room. I still put my sports bra on over my bra before taking it off. It's a self-concious thing that makes no sense, time to get over that.

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  117. It's funny that this post happened when it did. I just had a conversation with my mother about this type of thing ...sort of
    It goes like this...

    There are six type of woman in the world:
    1) queer...yeah us.

    2)Bi sexual...usually safe.

    3)the "been there, done that, it was fun but, not my thing"...aka the experimentalist.. safe..my buddy Stacy

    4)the "so what, we're all human, who cares"....aka.."raging hetero" ...moms self appointed title... always safe

    5)Sport fisher...great title..better than mine..the "your attracted to woman so, you HAVE to be attracted to me type...NOW tell me I am attractive"....potentially dangerous

    6) the Freak and Run....the girl you posted about..flat out dangerous.

    About #5 &6:
    Now in a social situation, the danger is minimal and can be neutralized by backing away slowly and vacating the area...kinda like dealing with a bear..

    In a business situation, they are dangerous.

    #5 because if you don't play, she considers it as an insult. Then the shit starts...wonder why your boss is asking you new and weird questions about missing product or the odd ball rumors about you that you hear floating around? It's the spurned straight girl.

    6) Freak and Run...this broad is trouble..

    EX. #1)most recently for me..my instructor at school...A month in to the program and she finds out I'm gay...boom....no cooperation..all of a sudden the rules are different for me than every one else. I am required to turn in TWICE the work of other students.

    #2)
    15 years ago.. I take over a new restaurant..I am the Bell of the Ball til two weeks into the job and my wife brings me something I left at the house. Being a good wife..I introduce her around. All 3 of my waitresses freak....7 days later I find my self in the owners office defending my self against sexual harassment charges. Thank god for cameras..and two stupid woman who filed the charges claimed I put my hands on them.
    Upon review of the tapes I am exonerated and get an apology from ownership.

    I just saying..BE CAREFUL

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  118. I just want to say that I love this blog, and I always read each post quickly, which is saying a lot considering my short attention span. It usually takes me forever to finish anything.

    First, my only advice, is to not do ANYTHING anyone on here tells you to do. Not even me.

    You're the only one who actually knew Sandra before and after her little freak-out. You're the only one who is affected by her actions. When it comes down to it, you're the one who has to live with whatever course of action you take.

    That being said, here's my advice:

    Do whatever you did before she knew you were gay. It is NOT your problem that she's uncomfortable with the fact that you're gay, and you shouldn't have to do anything differently. Shower when you would normally shower. If she's in the shower and you want to shower, get in like you normally would. HER discomfort is not your fault. If she has a problem showering with a lesbian, for whatever reason, she can get out and wait. To hell with people telling you that you should edit yourself to meet whatever problem she has. You're the same you you where before you took CJ to yoga. The only thing that's changed is her perception.

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  119. Yale!!! What time? What time?

    It's only kind of near to here, but you have helped me maintain sanity more times than I care to count, fingers crossed to get to see you speak.

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  120. great post. i agree that the Cai thing is at best innocent experimenting, and, at worst, about power. i'm so glad you figured that out because it's happened to me a few times and i couldn't really figure out why it bothered me so much.

    about the Sandra thing--just as society seems to feminize gay men (willingly or unwillingly), society "masculinizes" gay women. (what i am saying here is totally different from a queer woman manifesting masculine traits--i'm talking about society seeing queer women as more masculine than they actually are simply based on their sexual orientation) also, there are probably many non-homophobic women (straight or not) who would not want to shower with a man. of course "we" know that not wanting to shower with a man (and simultaneously being ok about showering with a woman) are related to patriarchy--but perhaps Sandra hasn't done enough gender-thinking to realize the distinction. in her mind, men are sex-crazed animals who could not control themselves if they saw a woman naked. if she is dull enough to "masculinize" (is that a word?) a queer woman simply because the queer woman is queer, and also knows that she (Sandra) doesn't want to shower with a man, the combination of the two would result in her not wanting to shower with a queer woman.

    it's very twisted because there are several logical missteps in that way of thinking, but Sandra apparently hasn't thought them through.

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  121. FUCKING.YES. I've been Cai sooooo many times. When girls meet me they think I'm a guy, when I tell them I'm not they start flirting, that cute, innocent, making you think it's all in your head, driving you insane kind of flirting. Then when I show any interest or even playfulness back, they make sure to remind me they're straight. It's not that every straight girl acts this way, but it happens often enough that it makes me wary of them.

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  122. I agree with the previous poster 3/27 @1055. The male/female dichotomy is NOT about sexuality, it's about power. This issue has come up in the DADT discussions. Having gender-specific showering facilities/barracks in general is not to prevent soldiers from uncontrollable sexing in the showers, it's to prevent women from being victims of unwanted physicality. This includes sexual advances but is equally important if fighting or other violent altercations were to occur. Minimum physical standards for being in the military are gender dependent. Men are, on average, physically stronger, and innately more tended towards violence than woman. Therefore irregardless of sexuality, men are physically on level playing fields with each other, as are women.

    To relate this to the Sandra thing: Sandra was not intimidated prior to the outing. Krista is not a large, strong, masculine woman; capable of overpowering her. If she were, intimidation could have present from the start, and understandably so. Just to be clear: this is NOT any indication of homophobia. Just because I am a gay woman does not mean I am automatically trusting of all other gay women or gay people in general. Example: I am a normal sized gay female. My roommate is a younger straight male on the smaller side. In a pinch, I would be perfectly fine sharing a shower or bed with him. The sexualities are not balanced, but the power is.

    3/27 @1055 nailed it in that suddenly, now knowing Krista is gay, she is too intimidated to take a shower with her. She has assigned Krista a hyper-masculinized power that she didn't have before, just because she found out she was gay. What if Sandra suddenly found out a large, strong, masculiune man she would NEVER consider showering with is gay; would that suddenly make it ok to shower with him? She may now consider it, because knowing he is gay feminizes (weakens) him in her mind.

    That being said, this is a bit about homophobia but mostly about ignorance. Sandra is reacting based on stereotypes and preconceived ideas about lesbians. You should just go about your daily business as you did before, and not adjust to her at all. Hopefully one day she will realize that she is the only one with the problem.

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  123. I don´t think she believes you´re gonna atack her. She may just be more aware that she´s naked in front of someone who (she believes) may actualy pay attention on it

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  124. First let me tell you I totally love your blog!! I'm always waiting impatiently for a new post!

    'Sport fishing' is a great expression and unfortunately a sport I've been exposed to quite a lot lately.
    As soon as I came out 'more generally' (until a year ago only a few close friends were aware of my gayness) straight girls starting flirting with me.
    So even though I'm not a hot dyke like Cai I've been used as an ego booster more than I would have liked.

    Some people commented that it was 'normal' to test your seduction power and that it was 'fun' to be the subject/actor of this 'experimental flirt'. I would agree on a certain level, but only when it's obvious and 'superficial'.
    However, when it comes from a good friend. A friend you're attracted and who is aware of said attraction but blatantly goes on with her little game without caring about hurting you in the process....then I would say it's cruel and manipulative.

    It recently happened to me and to another girl I befriended since (let's call her Amy). We had a common friend but didn't know each other. This common friend Em is straight (at least that's what she says!). I've been attracted to Em since the day I met her but at the time I never would have entretained the thought that anything would ever come out of it.
    At the time Em didn't know I was gay and she was always nice but never showed any PDA towards me. We slowly became closer friends but, still, she never increased her PDA (for lack of a better word) towards me.

    But as soon as I came out to her she started getting closer to me physically, started flirting, touching me all the time, making ambigious comments.... It was apparently so sincere that I fell for her... hard. I thought she was not aware of her sudden attitude change, I thought maybe she was bi-curious...I thought many things but refused to beleive that a friend who said she loved me, would purposefully hurt me, just to boost her ego (even though my other closest friends were suspecting her to do so).

    Then I started to get closer to another friend of Em, the Amy girl I was writing about above. We went out (as friends) and started confiding in each other. We came out to each other (I'm gay and she's bi).
    Then we started talking about Em and it so happened that she had also fallen for he (Em after discovering Amy was bi started to act with her like she did with me). But unlike me Amy had had the guts to declare her feelings to Em.
    And what came out of it is that Em backed off immediatly, stating she was straight and not interested in Amy. She even became reluctant to go out, alone, with Amy for a while. Then after some time of status quo, Amy had somehow made peace with the fact that Em would never like her the way she wished. She was 'happy' with her now 'more distant relatioship' with Em and started fining a new balance with her.

    But Em, feeling that her 'admirer' was backing away and this way not giving the ego boost she need came back towads Amy and started flirting again. This bothered Amy very much, of course, and she called out Em on her shit, telling her she was hurt by her behaviour and that if Em wasn't into her she should stop acting like she might be.
    It turned out Em was not ashamed at all fooling around with Amy's feelings. She saw nothing wrong with her attitude and said she liked to be loved and desired, that she could not help herself and that she would not change for anyone.

    Since then Amy and I became good friends somehow bonding over this crazy situation. Amy and Em are not talking anymore and my relationship with Em is strained to say the least.
    I don't think light flirting to feel a bit boosted here and there is wrong. But sometimes people don't think about how their actions might hurt others and THAT is a big problem to me.

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  125. I really think the only places it's considered "polite society" to pretend you're okay with gays is in cities, and that sadly, in most places it's still homosexuality is still taboo, and it's okay to show your disapproval. Even though I come from a gay friendly liberal town, I don't think gay acceptance is as advanced as most want to think :/

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  126. sport fishing... brilliant. I would say that straight girls do this to just about everyone they aren't ACTUALLY interested in. I happen to be a big nerd and all my guy friends are big nerds. Many of them are nerd chic and just don't realize it. Anyway, they too get gorgeous girls coming up to them and hitting on them like crazy and its so obvious they have zero interest in them, they just wanna try the nerdy boy out, but because they are guys they have no idea whats going on and get all lovestruck and become helpless. At least we know whats going on, although it really sucks either way.

    On a slightly unrelated note, I recently got dumped by my first ever girlfriend, well first 'any kind of' friend. I only started thinking I might be bi about a year ago, not that i had any experience with girls I just find them pretty. Then I meet my now ex gf, and she's stunning and I have a huge crush on her immediately and she does too and everything is great. There was drinking at a party and we made out and I really enjoyed that (as did she) and then we got together and it was all so EASY.

    Then I freaked out and dumped her. Oops. BUT it was ok (ish) because we got back together again and everything was great. There was a lot of good sharing of feelings and everything was very open and then she must've scared herself into thinking I might dump her again because she put up a huge wall and cut me out. I was so perpetually stunned during this time I had no idea what was going on. So obviously i can't blame her for being scared, I had already dumped her once, but it is a lot to go through very quickly.

    I mean, we progressed quickly. I am not prudish. at all. So maybe that was the problem, we moved too fast physically but she'd cut herself off emotionally but she dumped me about a week ago and I came out of it feeling like she hadn't even given us a chance.

    I guess my point is this. If you find yourself dating a girl who is still questioning or it's her first time dating a girl, don't shut her out. She may not say (because she probably doesn't know how to) but she is freaking out inside.

    OH also! After you dumped her, she's still freaking out (probably more)

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  127. I haven't noticed that many straight girls messing with me, but I'm commenting anyway just to say that the girl in that last picture is crazy hot. I might have scrolled past that wayyy too many times.

    Ahem. Yes. :)

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  128. I honestly think some (a lot of) girls are just incredibly promiscuous, but are held in uncomfortable check by biological/social conventions that are far more insidious and deep-seated than we even realise. flirting is generally not part of a carefully-planned ego trip, but an exercise of otherwise forbidden-on-some-level aspects of female sexuality. it might be annoying, but it is usually not deliberately misleading. all women think with their pussies and sometimes feelings get hurt.

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  129. A year ago I told my friends I was bi (no way to avoid telling them, I had started dating a girl)

    Since then one (blond, strait) friend has said at least five times every time I see her "I'm not gay"
    thats cool and fruity with me, I wasn't interested, no need to repeat.

    then we went to a dance, three girls. She spent the whole time dancing up to me and putting her arms on me, no joke. this could be heightened self esteem,but there was another girl there no such thing happened.

    was she checking if her sexiness would overcome me or is she serious, who the hell knows

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  130. CONFESSION:
    I sport fish... with straight men. As a femme lesbian, it's all too easy. It's a guilty pleasure.

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  131. ok! so I have a dilemna I need you to solve...I am a straight girl, and curious, and before you roll your eyes, I'm serious! I would like to walk into a gay bar, announce I am straight and probably staying that way, but would love to come home with a girl or girls, and have some fun. How do I go about this? I look like your typical Sandra (albeit with tats and killer boots), but with none of the nonsense! The gay men love me, but apart from a few dyke friends, the ladies don't necessarily love me. help?!

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  132. People like Sandra irritate the hell out of me. Just because I'm gay, it doesn't mean that I'm gonna pounce on every woman I see. Ugh.

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  133. I have never laughed so hard at a blog post in my life. Fucking hilarious. My partner comes home everyday to tell me these strange straight girl stories, and I remind her, Honey, this doesn't happen to the rest of us. Sport fishing! Perfect! Now we have a name for it.

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  134. There's this girl at my school who gets all up in my business whenever I'm in a relationship with another girl. She seeks me out and asks me all about it, and why I like them. Then if I don't tell her, she asks my friends. It's creepy.

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  135. to the straight girl a few posts up:
    thing is, it's not so much fun to be someone's 'experiment', even when you're drunk. would i, or most of my queer girly friends, sleep with the random completely inexperienced straight girl who wants to fuck us primarily to see for herself what it's like?

    no.

    that being said, maybe this is unnecessarily snarky and you should have the benefit of the doubt. you probably don't have use-y intentions, have every right to be curious, and there are surely women out there who will do it.

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  136. OMGLOL. I spit my water all over my computer from laughing so hard about 'Sandra.' You are a vivid and hilarious storyteller :D Poor, poor Sandra. hahahaha

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  137. When I came out to one of my good friends she decided to hit on me the rest of the night. This happened with two other friends as well - boobs in face and all. Awkkkkkk

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  138. Today I happened to casually mention to a coworker that I used to date a couple (guy and a girl). She was totally cool with that. We were talking about mormons and poly-marriage, so it seemed pertinent to mention that I've done the poly thing and am not against it in a healthy context.

    She googled the show Sister Wives and got a photo of a row of mormon women kissing. She goes EEEWWWW.

    Wait. Didn't I just get done telling you how I dated a woman?

    My best guess is that she thought I was in that relationship for the guy...when really I was all about the lady....I never even went there with the dude!

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  139. please give info about your talk at yale when you have it! i go to school in ct and i REALLY want to come hear you speak, so i want to make sure i don't schedule something on the 6th at the same time!!!

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  140. Ohhh god. I'm in high school, and I have several straight friends who flirt with me relentlessly, and I know this is exactly what they're doing. Now I have a name for it. XD Only the worst part is, they're all really cute and they use me, the smart kid with a job, for money and homework help. I know what they're manipulating me, but I just can't say no.

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  141. Check the Yale pride month calendar for details

    http://lgbtq.yale.edu/pride

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  142. Omg, i love this blog <3.

    I enter almost everyday, hoping that you had posted something new.

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  143. I keep thinking in my loopy head that you and Sandra would have been better off having a talk about this. Even if it became a mini confrontation. Guess it's too late now.

    Good luck at Yale.

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  144. Sport fishing! BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

    Okay, I look gay. I look REALLY gay. Some people don't notice anything--those people are dense. A lot of my straight lady friends dirty dance on me when we go out, but kinda like they would on a dude that they weren't dating. At least, that's how I see it.

    But I have been seriously, seriously sport fished. I was at a gay bar in Minneapolis on an 18+ night when this cute, (drunkish?), under 21 girl started dancing up on me. And it got closer, and closer, and closer, until it she was groping me, pulling my hair, nibbling my neck (?!) And so we flirted, and then her friend was getting kicked out of the club for underage drinking.

    She was like "I have to go" so I gallantly offered to take her home later. Her reactions was "I'm straight, I've never even kissed a girl." So I point to my lips (SUAVE) and she starts kissing me. With gusto.

    And then she said "I love kissing!" and left.

    I did manage to find her on Craigslist missed connections and make her admit she was bicurious at the very least.

    Also, last weekend I was at a graduate student gala (dressed very nattily in suspenders and tie) and a fellow grad student asked me to dirty dance with her because her boyfriend wouldn't. And then said something about how whenever she says a girl is hot, her bf suggests a threesome. I asked if he knew I was all out gay and she said something like "he would be okay with just watching."

    She may have been somewhat intoxicated, which would explain this interaction.

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  145. I can understand why Sandra wouldn't want to shower with you. I didn't want to give a girl the standard-greeting hug because I knew she liked me - despite the fact that we live interstate and would probably never see each other again.

    You might not like her and even have a partner, but Sandra can't be sure that you don't/won't feel anything. Even people in relationships check out other people.
    I have guy friends who are in relationships and know I'm gay, but I wouldn't feel comfortable getting naked in front of them. Ever. It's like becoming a red flag for a bull. I don't think it has anything to do with gender. It's about not putting yourself out there to people who might be attracted to you.

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  146. Has anyone else experienced that their parents think every close friend you have is your girlfriend? It's so irritating that my mother has to ask about every girl that I start being friends with or want to be my roommate, she always says something like, "If you and _________ are in a relationship, I'm not comfortable with you rooming together." Just because I have a friend that's a girl doesn't mean that I like her!

    However, that issue does come up sometimes. I'm finding that I am starting to get more crushes on some of my straight friends. It's very irritating because once I develop a crush, I have to distance myself so I don't get hurt and then find another friend because they won't be interested in me. So frustrating. It's leaving me friendless!

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  147. Oh, come on people, stop making excuses for Sandra! She was perfectly fine before she knew Krista was a lesbian. Now suddenly she's threatened. It's not "modesty," it's ignorance. It's ignorance in assuming a lesbian would be attracted to ANY woman simply because of her gender. That's simply not true, and comparing men and women doesn't apply because they are not the same.

    That said, I agree Krista should just leave her be...ignore her totally. She's simply not worth your energy. Her problem is something she has to work out for herself...or not.

    To Anonymous straight girl who's looking to experiment, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have some fun. But go post on Craigslist and pick up some bi-curious woman who's just looking for the same thing. Don't go into a gay bar and try to pick up a lesbian who most likely wants to be with another lesbian. I have nothing against "sexually fluid" women who just want some slap and tickle and then run back to their boyfriends. EXCEPT that they so often want a real lesbian to mess with. It's like they think those will be the real experts in lady-loving (true *bg*) or they want the intensity of being with someone who's seriously into women. It's weird how they won't choose other women exactly like themselves. Do yourselves favor and play with other straight/bi-curious girls -- you'll get what you want with no complications and no misunderstandings.

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  148. I don't know if it's a 'Cai' instance, but I've noticed that a bit of alcohol fuels the flirtation every time with my straight friends. Case in point, my friend's bachelorette party last summer. 12 straight girls and me + a bunch of alcohol - straight guys = a bunch of straight girls hitting on me. And I think sport fishing is a completely apt term, kids, in that situation.

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  149. Suddenly, I can make sense of all that awkward 'getting hit on by straight bitches' that happened to me in high school. I thought they were just messing with me 'cause I was *such* a freaking dork, but since it only happened after I started dating this hot butch, I guess it was actually sport fishing. (The 'messing with me for being a dork' hypothesis was pretty reasonable, though; I had about ten identical t-shirt and jeans outfits, spent most of my free time in the bandroom, and took every AP class I could fit into my schedule).

    I am embarrassed to realize that nowadays, I totally sport fish pretty much everyone I hang out with -- a group mostly composed of straight guys. So yeah, no moral high-ground here, but thanks for clearing up that bit of incomprehensible weirdness in my past.

    -MC

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  150. A little late to the game here....

    First, I agree with the poster, Alyx: Sandra doesn't get a pass because she was fine before she realized Krista is a big ole 'mo. If K wasn't leering and drooling before what gives her the right to expect it now? She really left her shampoo bottle on the floor? Jeebus. I wouldn't let her off the hook, though. I'd straight up ask her about it.

    Second, I too look straight (throw in two kids and an ex-husband and I go straight under the radar) and have dealt with the "OMG you're gay! Are you attracted to me??" repeatedly. Years ago I would stammer around and try not to hurt feelings. Now, I look them in the eye and say, "No. I'm not. I am only attracted to other gay women because they know what they are doing." Can't argue with that logic. Besides, it's true. I am absolutely not attracted to dick lovers.

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  151. I feel like one of the major reasons why I am not out yet is because I'm afraid of "sandras" and where I live I am in constant fear that all hell will break lose if I even go out a date with my girlfriend and touch her hand...hmm
    and I'm in med school....I think I'm going to agree with dykes taking over the health care system

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  152. Just ask her, for reals. Go up to her and ask, "Are you afraid of me because I am gay?" Then you will know. Mystery solved.
    Oh and straight girls flirt with me all the time. I don't flirt back, mostly I become their friend. Most of them are now or wanted to know if they were gay, curious, whatev...some were just afraid and testing the waters. So to speak.
    My gf calls me a recruiter...lol.

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  153. Okay, I've thought about this for awhile. I'm going to guess that these crazy, irrational reactions are a result of A) our hetero-centrist and B) sexually repressed/mixed-signals-generating society.

    And the reason I think this is because most people walk around assuming that most of the people around them are straight and expected to be polite with each other and stick to conventional norms about how sexuality is expressed, like flirting in certain situations.

    So being gay, even if it's cool, is still unconventional. I think it makes people consider sexuality whereas usually people walk around pointedly trying to ignore sexuality. And a lot of women who are uncomfortable about sexuality feel free from this discomfort when they hang around other women. And a lot of women (and men maybe?) haven't really thought enough about sexuality to be comfortable with their own. So when they are confronted with someone else who is willing to share something about THEIR sexuality, suddenly the whole situation is sexually charged and people do a lot of stupid shit like let themselves act on their feelings of terror at this unknown situation or fall back on the default and flirt to make sure they still know where THEY stand sexually.

    People are selfish. I think these reactions are reactions like, "Oh, she's reminding me of "SEX!"

    Not to sex as the complicated interaction it is or to lesbians as people. =( Ignorance of self and sex coupled with ignorance of lesbians = STUPIDITY.

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  154. At my women's college the pre-med and nursing students are all of the really really straight girls.

    The main Sandra kind of experience I've had was how one of my best friend in high school treated me consistently for all of the years I knew her, possibly from the time I ever implied I knew lesbianism existed when we were pre-teens. I identified as straight, but she always thought I was closeted, and the extended that further to assume that I was in love with her, and would be really awkward anytime we shared beds or anything, even though I always had a boyfriend and was monogamous. Other people who I knew less well also treated me oddly in Junior High and High School for my perceived gayness although I didn't identify as such, I've just always read as queer. Now I identify as Queer/bi and poly. Currently my hair is really short, pretty butch, so I assume I read more readily queer (I present pretty femme, so some people miss it) and I recently had my first grown up type shared locker room showering experience. It was super awkward because I didn't have any idea what the ettiquite for that situation was, and in addition I figure I read as gay, and I couldn't tell if some of the other women in my gym class were part of the sheltered and somewhat homophobic variety, it was already a larger group of straight girls than I have ever spent time with at my smallwomynsliberalartscollege. In the end I just kind of gathered what other people's comfortability levels were and imitated them to the best of my ability, although I found I was not ready for conversations with eye contact while showering naked together, that may well be a level of intimacy reserved for my sex partners and close friends.

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  155. Re: Straight girls flirting when they're drunk, my friends and I joke that getting drunk brings everyone closer to the center of the Kinsey scale. It's true for my gold star lesbian friends, my gay ex-boyfriend and is a well known cliche about straight women. As a bi-sexual it's hard to say.

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  156. Yes!!! I have had this happen to me numerous times before, the worst of which being a couple of straight friends who were afraid I would just "turn" on them one day and try to sleep with them! WTF?! They were even cautious about hugging me, as if a full-on lezzy sex bout would just start out of nowhere.

    so, are they just freaked out, or are they afraid that they, too, might secretly be gay?

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  157. Also, my mom used to work in hospitals and she says that yes, even in the 60s and 70s, it is a notorious hide-out for the gay.

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  158. JUST BECAUSE I'M GAY - DOESN'T MAKE YOU HOT.

    The best (and only) response to a Sandra

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  159. dude dudette. i cannot stand it. you are too freakishly funny. you are making me laugh at my screen more times than i would like to count.

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  160. That is so weird about sandra.

    But I like that you fuck with her.

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  161. Hey everyone, I've met people that are like Sandra and Cai, but has anyone interacted with someone who acts like both?

    It happens to me often where I have experiences with (possibly straight) girls who are really hot and then cold. It's like I meet people who are overly friendly--not flirtatious in an "I'm using you" sort of way, but instead in an "Oh cool, let's get to know each other" way that they usually initiate, and that goes above and beyond what the circumstances call for. But then they do end up using me as a sort of power play--the minute it seems like we actually could hang out, they back away.

    Ok, for example, a woman and I will meet, usually through work, and my gaydar will peg her as mostly straight--although I try not to judge--and we get along well and are talking. We connect on some level and then the minute I start to think we could possibly be friends, she starts to back off or somehow pull away, and completely out of context tells some long extended story about a boyfriend or male ex. (And I'm like, duh, you are SO straight. Culturally, I mean, regardless of who you sleep with.)

    At that point, if I haven't already, I try to mention my girlfriend and how well it's going, etc. etc., but somehow the damage is done. In short, that kind of reaction is pretty unattractive on most every level, so it makes me not really want to get to know her further. But I hate getting sucked in to that kind of (probably totally subconscious) bait-and-switch! But often they are interesting, and it never hurts to meet new people, so I figure, Why not hang out for a while and talk? (Because I'm not your dykey My Buddy doll! That's why.)

    These are women that usually, I'm guessing, would intellectually fully support social justice for LGBTQ folk, or at least would say as much at parties. Also, they're usually women that I would never be attracted to. (I tend to date femmes, but big ole queer femmes who still occasionaly get mistaken for straight girls, or assumed to be straight, because, well, society can suck sometimes.)

    As a sterotypical soft butch through and through, I'm pretty reserved, so I don't think it's an issue of coming across as needy. Also, the conversations aren't really awkward or anything--actually, it's the fact that they're not awkward at all, I think, that they find so threatening. I'm used to the occasional random stranger who finds me threatening and rejects me out of hand because I look like a big ole dyke, but I'm not used to them trying to befriend me first!

    It's weird to be pseudo-rejected by a woman I wasn't trying to date. And I can't find a way to politely convince them that I don't hump every female that moves. And they would probably never admit that, despite being for equality, they haven't dealt with their own issues. I do look like a big ole Bieber, though so I guess these are the wages of having big sexy hair, ha ha.

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  162. This was an interesting read, and I took the time to read [most of] the comments too :)

    I'm a "breeder." I have always been an exhibitionist, I guess, so my shyness about getting naked is different than it might be for other straight girls. I have always been fine with getting naked in front of fellas, or my gal pals, or lesbians, but straight girls make me the most nervous because I feel like they are the most judgmental. I don't just LOVE getting naked, but I would be more comfortable being in the buff around a lesbian than a straight girl because I feel like straight girls (other than my besties... and yes, I am judging right now), are looking for flaws in other women ('oh thank god, she has stretch marks on her ass and moles on her back and saggy boobs and there's three reasons right there that I am hotter than her, so just because she has a pretty face don't mean shit anymore...'). I'm probably making that up, but I'm pretty sure I'm not because I have heard women analyze other women in that way. It sucks hard.

    It's not that I feel like lesbians are going to get all messy wet looking at me, I just feel like in general they might have a sweeter appreciation of my nude form than someone who is hunting for all the ways I am flawed and don't fit into the mold as far as straight-culture-hotness is concerned.

    I'm probably making shit up. I know stereotypes aren't cool, and I guess I didn't realize til this minute that I am kind of stereotyping, but I guess I have just assumed that lesbian women aren't looking at other women going, 'Look at her bra-strap roll/muffin-top/stretch marks, etc.' And I just realized that is such a stupid assumption because everybody does shit like that at some point. *sigh* I was so much more content thinking lesbians and non-shallow straight guys and kind-hearted straight girls just don't notice stuff like that.... So I'm just gonna keep on thinking that in my mind.

    I AM surprised, after reading this post and thread, that so many lesbos have been asked by straight women if said lesbos were ever attracted to them. That just seems so super pathetic. I have never asked any of my lesbian friends OR my straight guy friends that question. That does just seem like a pathetic ego-stroker move.

    ...That said, I get little girlie crushes on my butch girlfriends because there's a third of the person I am who is a 'tom-boy' and wants to walk like them and wear comfy fucking clothes and have badass faux-hawks and get sweet tattoos, and there's a third of me who loves to wear stupid sparkly shoes and fluffy dresses and red lipstick and fishnets, and a third of me that is what society expects from me as a straight married woman, and that's the part I wear most, uncomfortably.

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  163. Oh no. I'm super femme and no one guesses I'm a huge lesbian until I tell them. And I am so guilty of sport fishing... with straight guys. I feel like a huge asshole...

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  164. The Sandra situation actually makes sense to me. (read: not right, just makes sense) Once she found out about your sexual orientation, this basically equated you with a man (heavy handed, but I think it's true). And God forbid men and women could share a shower...something might happen. Men can never control themselves when presented with the nude female form. Right? Right??

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  165. Ha. When I came out to my straight BFF in junior high (whom I was madly in love with, which made me realize I like girls) over MSN, she was all "Like, OMG, I like girls toooooo" ... "Just kidding".

    Cue heartbreak.

    She then proceeded to become EXTRA touchy feely, especially in front of boys.

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  166. I've just skimmed the comments here so I'm sorry if someone's already brought this idea up; what if Sandra's been sexually assaulted by a woman? What if she'd been in a relationship with a woman who abused her? What if she's experienced a trauma and just isn't ready to jump back into the waters, so to speak? It's possible that being naked and vulnerable near a woman who could even possibly be attracted to her is kinda scary. I don't know about probable, but certainly possible. We can't pretend that sexual assault doesn't happen in the gay community, right?

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  167. Some girls at my school give me dirty looks now they know I'm gay. It amuses me so much. When we used to have PE and all have to get changed together, as soon as I came out everyone moved away from me, only my friends would get changed near me. It made me less selfconcious not having all of the bitchy girls near me ridiculing me, so they did me a favour really. I love my friends, we used to wind everyone else up asking each other really innapropriate questions and touching eachothers boobs and backsides.Our lesbian PE teacher just used to raise her eyebrows and shake her head, she was epic. But, back to the point, I've had lots of straight girls reacting oddly when they find out I'm gay, but I don't let it bother me because at the end of the day, if they're gonna be like that it's their loss because they'll never know how amazing I am as a person.

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  168. Yep I've been Cai. But it was the first girl who ever showed interest in me so I got my hopes up...

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  169. So I've been having a recurring issue with sport fishing these past weeks...I found this page by typing in "straight girls suddenly hitting on me."

    So I'm originally from suburban NJ but living in the capital of Costa Rica right now. It's awesome. I don't know if it's the air, or the art school, or the kind of students who study abroad (adventurous?), but the past two weekends have been just MASSIVE fishing trips.

    Last weekend: I invite friend K to go to the gay club with me. K is a cool straight chick who's down for being wingwoman and is no stranger to gay clubs.

    Friend N sees us planning an outing (lol) and asks to join; I send her the information for the hours/prices/etc. and so she knows what kind of place it is, aka GAY. N appears to be just like K, and brings her guy toy, J. All seems cool, I had no intention of creeping on any of them.

    Turns out K couldn't make it that weekend, so it was just the N/J couple. We get there and once the BAC goes up, N starts dancing with me and J starts dancing with gay men so they'll buy him alcohol (the fishing begins!). I treat it as dancing-with-straight-friends-at-high-school-social, knowing not to get my hopes up even if N's actually bi.

    BUT THEN, she starts...first subtly, then obviously, playing with hair, kissing on neck, CREEPIN until finally we just kiss. I'm not dumb enough to trust her, but if a cute girl with an English accent wants to make out with you, YOU WON'T SAY NO, don't lie!

    But yeah she then proceeded to alternate between making out with me and J, who seemed just as indignant as I did after realizing; not only was she having her cake and eating it too, but we were feeding it to her. After a while we got kinda bro status; it was kinda like being on the basketball team together what with all the passing and no scoring...

    This weekend: the N/J + me somehow ends up happening again, this time at a skeezy straight bar. Tell me how, here she basically says she'll only get up on me in the gay club. Whack, but not a surprise. I said something about the lameness of that, and she makes some offhand comment about falling in love with me. WTFFFFF?

    Then she starts making out with an Australian dude, and after a failed attempt at initiating a three-way with N and me, J is over this shit (smarter than me, right?) and leaves. Somehow Aussie and I lose her and realize that the other is cool and she is promiscuous. I tell him about her bullshit and we find her outside all tearful because J left. Seriously? You GREEDY, alcoholic, irresistible foreign ho. How dare she force me to sympathize with straight dudes...

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  170. Completely unrelated here (sorta), I recently had a really weird dream where I was called " The homosexual" by friends (and Japan, but that's another story). I had to take a shower with some female friends, so I lathered up with em like how we always do, except one friend (the one that acts th sniffyiest in real life) says, " Isn't it really weird to shower with a HOMOSEXUAL!!!!zomg??!!!! To which awesome bi-friend glances at me smirking, causing me in all my nude glory to have to explain that showering with friends wasn't at all sexual for me, and unless other events happen, there is no need to make it sexual or treat it in a sexual manner.

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  171. I feel Cai's pain right now. I've been head over heels for my straight best friend for over a year now. She just keeps teasing and taunting me..giving me more privileges then taking them away. She is addicted to my attention; she loves how hard I try. She lives to watch me squirm when she asks if she looks alright. She knows how much I like her. It's absolute torture. She's sooooo hot! And still so straight. It's been good for her, though, because for the first time in her life, she has self confidence.

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  172. I'm a straight guy who found this blog because Penguin on Porpoise linked me to it, and who reads this blog because it's funny, and I'mma go ahead and say something and hope it's not totally irrelevant.

    Me and four friends from uni - two straight girls, two straight guys, and one gay guy - were having a chat in a hotel room once. The sort of deep and meaningful friends have at 2am. We eventually got to rating our classmates for attractiveness (did I say deep and meaningful?), and ranking a top three. So, us two straight guys ranked the top three girls in our class, and the two straight girls and the gay guy ranked the top three guys in our class. We weren't drunk at all. We were close enough as friends to be able to do this honestly.

    As it turned out, I was pretty chuffed to find out that both girls ranked me second and the guy ranked me first. Now I'm not gay. I say this as someone who really wouldn't mind it. Being bisexual would be ideal, because, hey, you get to ...... everyone! Anyway I'm straight. But I was still pretty smug that the gay guy ranked me first. It didn't matter who was saying that I was attractive. It could be Golem calling me his precioussssss. My point is, straight people who aren't homophobic and running away and help-I-can't-shower-with-this-freak-or-she'll-rape-me etc, like being attractive, to straight people of the opposite sex (especially hot ones), and to gay people of the same sex. It's just, like, hey, that guy/girl (and potentially their gay friends) thinks I'm hot. Fuck I'm amazing. Especially if the aforementioned straight person is, like myself, convinced that they are awesome.

    Oh, and re:Sandra? My guess is, that girl wouldn't shower with a straight man who she didn't know THAT well, because, well, she'd be Showering With A Man, and he might be Perving On Her, or, worse, Getting Off On Her and he might even Make A Move On Her, and, even worse, People Might Talk. And in her mind, the same deal goes for a gay girl.

    Please tell me if I've made any sense or if I'm just a dickhead.

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  173. "She bent down to pick it up, must have remembered that you don't do that in prison, and fucking left it there."

    Fucking LOL'D.
    I love the crazy shit you write.

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  174. now don't kill me everyone... i have weird reactions to gay girls. but it's mostly b/c i'm thinking they are soo hot, and i need a panty change, and my that's kind of awkward b/c i literally work with a store full of old, straight women... when i see a butch/boi/tomboy. i have this embarrassing habit of blushing, and i'm super pale too XD whenever i see a hot butch-type woman. they prolly think i'm anti-gay which makes me sad. :( it's super awkward b/c it's never guys, only girls that do it to me... *facepalm*

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  175. Haha, why are straight girls so arrogant?
    I swear when i was straight i didn't expect every gay girl to want to have sex with me(although I secretly hoped they would... Actually, i still hope they will)Now I'm gay-gay, and happy as a clam (a damn sexy clam)

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  176. God, when I came out three of my friends came out to me as curious. One of them took her top off in front of me casually while we making dinner (we were roommates at the time) one night. Another one of them got drunk and told me she thought she might be bisexual, kissed me, then promptly told me she was straight after all. And then she was surprised when I was mad at her the next day?!? Now whenever I hear a girl profess her bicuriosity I immediately run in the opposite direction.

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  177. Uh oh, i think i might be guilty of sport-fishing. Well, sort of. When i find out a girl is a lesbian, it allows for me to imagine the possibility of a hook-up, that I would otherwise deem impossible with a straight girl, and I like to string them on a little, maybe even, uhh- tease them, and then see if they would be into it. The only thing is, that for me the possibility of it becoming a reality makes it hotter and isn't a turn off. does this mean i'm gay? bi? probably. does that bother me? not in the slightest. still figuring it out. ugh- feeeling feelings

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  178. Cai, for the win. Soooo I'm in the military and once upon a time we had this thing called don't ask dont tell. So I didnt, but the combo of my amazingly short/cute hair did, and girls LOVED it. Every time I left for a temporary duty poon was almost assured. PROBLEM: They were all straight meaning I would be their first (extremely awkward because they were always sober) and only female hook up. Which doesn't bother me except for when they would get crazy performance anxiety and refuse to abandon what was usually a horrible attempt at making me orgasm.

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