Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Telltale Heart

(by danx2)
Hey there, vagitarians!


Guess what?

I've been keeping something from y'allfags.

[by CHUNKS!]
It was really hard. 
But it was something I badly wanted, so I couldn't tell you about it.


Are you like that?  Able to talk at length about any old thing...but if you truly want something, you keep it a secret?


That's the way I've handled things since I was 9 and I tried out for the Green Bay community theater's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. 


At the time, I was under the impression that I was a uniquely gifted child - I had the best voice in the entire world, and playing Cosette in Les Miserables on Broadway was my destiny.  (Never mind that I was already too old.) 
Bewailing the fact that I lived in Wisconsin to all my friends, I spent enormous amounts of time singing Jasmine's part of "A Whole New World" by myself, in our empty garage, when no one was home. 
(The acoustics were vibrant in there.)


Anyway! The first step towards Broadway was clearly becoming a member of the children's chorus in Jospeh and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  


I chose that song from The Little Mermaid - you know, "Look at this stuff, isn't it neat" as my audition song. 

As the final note of my song pealed out onstage, I knew I had nailed it.  



I smiled, thanked the casting directors, and went off to the dance portion of the audition, where I completely screwed up and ended on one knee with jazz hands when we were supposed to end up standing with jazz hands.
But my gut told me it didn't matter. My gut told me I was a star, and that the only thing the directors were going to care about was sheer vocal ability.  
And I had that in spades.  


Dance steps.
Like I couldn't pick those up later.
At dinner that night, when Dad asked me how my tryouts went, I said, "Fine" and tried to look humble. 
I wondered what it would be like for him a few months from now, when he'd be sitting across from a child star. 
Would he be nervous?


Sifting through my puddle of ketchup with a fork for any meatloaf bits left behind, I silently plotted how I'd kick my legs precociously against the bottom of the armchair during my first interview with Letterman.
I had told all my friends about Joseph.  Every girl in the 4th grade knew I had tried out for the musical.


And so I waited.
I waited for days and days.  
They had said they would let me know. 
But I never heard back.
[by sally mann]
I assumed my phone number had been misplaced.  
I looked up the casting director's name and called her at her house, slowly and carefully enunciating the digits of my phone number.

I remember I spelled out my first, middle, and last name. 

In each of the four messages I left.
[via cuteoverload]
Eventually, I learned that all children cast in Joseph were called within 48 hours of the audition.

I had been waiting to hear for over two weeks.  

(by Benoit Paillé)
To say that I sobbed until I choked would be an understatement.


Then I had to face all my friends.  It was awful.  


In retrospect, it's obvious that they couldn't have cared less.  
For me, though, it was the Ultimate in Shame.  
I had publicly, openly wanted something.
And I had failed.


Mom had warned me not to count my chickens before they hatched.
And she was right!
Ever since then, I've maintained this mandate:


Never tell people what you really want - that way, if you fail, no one knows.


It is only later in life that I'm realizing how fucked up that is.
[via nikolai-wolf]
Here's what I've been keeping a secret from even my family, homos:


I quit the bakery three months ago.
For the last three months, I've been auditioning to be a writer at Groupon.  


Big whoop, right? Not so hard to admit that.
Now, before you say anything:


1) I wanted to be a staff writer (one of the people that writes the deals and the funny shit) really, really bad. That's why I hid it - I wanted it so bad. 
Can you imagine getting paid - salaried - to write jokes?


2) The Superbowl ads.  I know.  


I've spent the last three months learning to write in Groupon-style - staying up into the wee hours of the night reading old copy, freaking out, and telling no one.  
As each day passed, and I made office friends, and the editors treated me like a human being, and there was no dress code, and I could come in whenever I pleased and leave whenever I wanted, and I found I enjoyed thinking of creative new ways to talk about mani-pedis and Indian restaurants...I wanted to work there more and more. 
So bad it hurt.  I'd never had a job I liked. 
Never.


Lemme tell you: I covered all my bases.
I put $50 under my Ganesha statue (it has to be more than you can afford or it won't work), kissed his trunk, and promised him more if I got hired.
I swore to Our Lady of Guadalupe that I would wear the necklace with her icon on it throughout the entire last two weeks of hiring decisions.
A candle got burned for the Virgin Mary, and I solemnly promised Jesus that, if he didn't make me go back into the service industry, I would not make any blasphemous baby jesus remarks for fourteen days- which is a lifetime.


Well, on Friday, I was hired on as a full-time Staff Writer. 
Hooray!!!


People are giving me money to type out thoughts.  
Ridiculous.
This is the first time in my entire life that I've gotten excited to go to work.


And then Effing Dykes was nominated for two Bloggie Awards Best LGBT Weblog and BEST WEBLOG OF THE YEAR!!  
Holy, holy crap. 
It's been a good week. 


Btdubbs, will you vote for me, gayelles? 
With all five of your email accounts?
Click here to vote for the promotion of sacred lesbian values. 
Yay for gay!

And now: let's talk us some dykes.

(via kimberlygillett)
Today we're keeping it simple. 


Actual letter from an actual reader: 


Hi effingdykes writer,


i know your name is krista but i feel weird calling you by you're name cos i don't know you for real.  sorry i'm weird haha. i have a problem i thought you could maybe talk about in your blog: I like this girl at my college and i know she's a lesbian for sure.


i've had a crush on her for a long time, but i don't know what to do about it cos i act like an idiot when i'm around her! she knows who i am, but she must think i'm an asshole cos i say stupid shit to try to be funny and then its not funny. i'm kind of a chicken, so i guess my question is how do i tell this girl i like her without walking up to her and saying that? pls help she's really hot.


-E.L.
[via scatterhearted]
E.L.? I'm no advice columnist. But since you asked...


#1. It makes people's brains bleed when you don't capitalize "i." STOPPIT.


#2. If every lesbian hides behind being "kind of a chicken", then no lesbian gets laid.  
Take an awkward stand.


#3. Your crush probably already knows you like her.
[via eyeh8pie]
And that's what I want to talk about today, sluts. 
A seriously basic, back-to-gradeschool topic.


How can you tell if a woman likes you?
[pinktaclovers]
Or, conversely and more importantly: How do you act when you like somebody?


I've gotta tell ya, I've got nothing. 
The day I'm able to tell if a woman likes me is the day I shut this mess down for good.
And when I like a girl, there are only two clear behavior options:


1) Silently stalk her.
 (by sannah kvist)
Casually-but-totally-obviously try to find out everything there is to know about her. Facebook is utilized. (Not that that helps much anymore, thanks to Yahoo!News blaring headlines about securing your facebook privacy). 


Those who know her are questioned. I'll tell everyone within hearing distance about having a crush on her, and then, upon coming face to face with her in an elevator, clam the hell up. 


Totally ignore her. 
Act too cool to even look at her.  
[via jpegdump]
I pull this shit all the time - in bars, at work, at parties, you name it. 
I like to think that the sheer force of my laser-like thoughts will beam into the girl's brain and spur her into asking me out.


You can guess how well this works.
via vinylsnotdead
2) Gabble like gregarious turkey when she's anywhere near me. 


Even though I am never impressive when faced with a woman I think is cute, I will invent reasons to be in her area juuust to torture myself.


Join a bookclub I'm not interested in, protest at a rally for a political reason I don't understand, go daily to the tea shop where she works and pretend I enjoy drinks like yerba mate and rooibos.  


It always ends in me trying to be witty and appear as if I didn't plan on seeing her.
This = FAIL. 
[via floatinggoat]
I'll then spend the rest of the day recreating the interaction in my head, mentally banishing my actual, uttered phrases, like:


 "That hat looks just like the one my friend knitted for me. When she was alive."


Eventually, months later, I usually somehow find the courage to tell my crush, "I, um, think you're really cute."
[via girlcrushing]
And then sometimes it all works out.




But it's not like I'm surprising anyone. 
My crushes are invariably aware that I like them. 
They apparently just want to watch the awkward show.
Like a cat toying with a beetle before cracking its exoskeleton. 


So who are we fooling, with our little games? 
Are some of you more suave than me?


Good god, I hope so.
[via lezbhonest]
I clearly have no answers, so I'm opening this up for discussion.  


Two reasons: 


1) I need help in this area. I cannot act normally around other cute lesbians, nor can I distinguish between a lesbian who's hitting on me and a lesbian-who's-just-talking-to-me-because-she's-a-normal-person-and-normal-people-are-polite.


2) If enough dykes write in about how they act when they have a crush, we can study the list for patterns and then use our secret compiled knowledge for evil slutty purposes.
[via sirchiefsalot]
So how 'bout it, tramps?


What are the telltale signs when you like somebody?

144 comments:

  1. I am a toucher.

    When I have a crush, I will find ways to touch them. I sit extra close. I lean in more. I touch their hand, their arm, their back.

    Follow this up with serious eye contact and a slow, sweet smile.

    No words needed.

    Never fails.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm the first and last to send/respond to texts. I'll think of reasons to text, and then usually keep the convo going longer than it should just so I can keep talking. Which usually results in some awkward trail off. Then the next day (or later that afternoon?) there's something else *super interesting* I have to text them about.

    I've noticed the same in chicks that are obviously into me, but I'm not into them. Makes me sad, like I should interact more with them, since that's what I want MY crushes to do. Alas...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I usually talk to them, find anyway to talk to them, that's not obvious...Or sometimes it is.... I once walked this girl every class we had together (which was only one) to where she was going and then go off in the other direction when she got on her bus. It was only a 10 minute walk. I mean sometimes people walk friends to bus's right? I dunno.

    I think she knows, because i told one friend and shes the kind of person that tells EVERYONE. So. its probably not a secret.

    But I never seem to ask them to hang out/ go on a date... Unless i invite a group of ppl to cover it up, and be like hey all 5 of us r going to this want to come, when really i just want to talk to her. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  4. UGH!!! Perfect timing!

    4 hours ago.

    Me: wow, we need more classes on the 3rd floor, I've finally figured out where all the queer women are! What department is down here? Oh, shit, that's the girl, you know the one I talked about last week, it's HER!

    C (my favorite les-b-gay): Oh, hi! Can you tell me what department is down here...

    Girl: I don't know. Turns to me: Oh, don't we have a class together?
    Me (stupidly, after 4 hours of syntax class): Ummm, no,
    back and forth,
    Nope- I'm wrong. We have a non-credit seminar, I had stopped going to it.

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?

    The hottest girl in New York just hit on me (OK, there are a lot of very attractive women in NY, but seriously, this woman is GORGEOUS!) and I couldn't respond with any kind of flirtation.

    Nope, just the adamant refusal that we had any classes together.

    Walking away, C says: You know, this may be why you're single... ... you could have just asked what class it was.

    Yep, when I like a girl, apparently I argue with her. Because THAT's effective.

    (Going back to the seminar Monday, maybe there's another chance for a change of strategy?)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I tend to act "innocent". I purposely say things that can be turned into a sexual innuendo in the most nonchalant, adorable voice I can muster. Believe it or not, I also turn motherly. The way I see it, everyone wants someone that'll take care of them.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I laugh a lot.....it works well because I also laugh uncontrollably when I am nervous, Im not sure if that helps though!

    Oh and congrats on the Groupon gig, I love Groupon and you will be perfect!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I search for her all over the internet. I find her on facebook and listen to all her favorite artists, spend hours staring at all her pictures, look up her favorite books, and even watch a few of her favorite movies.

    I look for her other online accounts. It works great if they have a similar username on each one. I basically find out every single little bit of information I can about her online. I read her old xanga, go through her old journal entries on deviantart, ect., you get the idea.

    And then when I actually do get to talk to her I get really tempted to bring up all this stuff I know about her but I'm afraid they'll go, "Um, how do you know that? Creeper."

    So. Undercover creepin'. Clearly I am the smoothest of operators.

    It's hard for me to tell when a girl likes /me/. Whenever I think someone might I blame it on my overactive imagination.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Augh I need this.
    Every lesbian I know needs this.
    We are an awkward people.

    When I am crushing on someone, I tend to do my damnedest to pretend I am not. If forced into interaction with her, I will verbally flail around, get flustered, and make my escape. (jesus christ how have I managed to date anyone at all)

    Can we institute a policy where it's socially acceptable to give someone you're into a card that says DO YOU LIKE ME CIRCLE 1) YES 2) NO 3) MAYBE 4) ONLY FOR SEXYTIMES?

    Chicagoland dykes, I promise that if any of you ever do that to me I will probably say yes because I firmly believe it is a practice that should be encouraged.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is coming at a perfect time, and I'm interested to read all of your readers' comments. I actually started a blog post about it a few minutes ago, but I recently found out that a really cute girl at my school might be gay/is questioning/whatevs.

    When I like a girl I do a few things:
    1) I just LOOK at her. I seek her eyes out and just sort of stare at her. If I catch her eyes, I smile.
    2) My sense of hearing increase 10-fold, and I hear all conversations of hers that I catch.
    3) If I think she thinks I'm being a creeper, I sort of ignore her.

    Essentially what you do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Step 1: Find out her name. Sometimes easy, sometimes hard since I'm paranoid and don't talk to anyone about my crushes.

    Step 2: Stalk her on the internet. Read everything, look at every picture, stare at her face forever.

    Step 3: The next time I see her, avoid eye contact, laugh loudly at everything she says (whether or not it's funny), make stupid comments that were meant to be funny, be awkward and clumsy, start spitting when I talk, talk really loudly.

    Step 4: Continue to stalk her on the internet and panic that she thought I was too much of a freak to date.

    Step 5: Don't talk to her. Ever. For anything. If a comment needs to be directed her way, talk in the direction of her left shoulder.

    Good lord. How on earth have I ever dated anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ooohhh.

    Yes, what an uncomfortable demographic we are!

    Though I'm twenty-five, I basically play the sixth-grader in all of it. Usually unfolds a bit like this...

    ME: I'm in love with (attractive boyish girl).
    FRIEND: Really?

    (Between two hours and one week pass. Attractive boyish girl gets the word.)

    Followed by one of two options.

    1. I stalk her and make excessive eye contact until we make out, have sex, or fall obsessively in love.

    2. I avoid her at all costs.

    Basically, as soon as the thought enters my head, it's all over. It's like my brain is a public facebook status. Everyone knows. Everything. And everyone sees us. Making out at the bar. One week later.

    It's like...the easiest thing mixed with the most vulnerable and tedious.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Be a little pompous. Everyone loves a lesbian with confidence. Be a little witty, but not condescending. Inevitably my crushes are always discovered in the same venue: the coffee shop. If you find yourself in the I-like-a-girl-in-that-really-hipster-coffee-shop-that-I'm-always-in scenario, some things to keep in mind and in hand:

    A Good Book, something timeless yet unique. Any book of poetry (some Ginsberg, Plath, Judy Grahn, etc) Good sci-fi screams gay ("Dune" or some H.G. Wells always works), or magical realism realm for a little intellectual flair (Garcia Marquez, Gunter Grass, Bulgakov...etc)

    Drink Something Legit: no mochas, no fraps, drink the real stuff. Black coffee, small americano, espresso shot, or to be fancy-machiotto

    Bring a notebook and a good pen: moleskins are preferable, or a beat-up diary. Look like you take note of things. Contemplate. Hold the pen to your lips. Doodle.

    These things all give the girl in question a good reason to talk to you. "Hey, I really love that book," "What are you writing?" "Oh, what do you think of the new Columbia Finca San Luis blend?"

    I'm telling you, spending hours reading/writing in a coffee shop has never failed me. It allows for many conversation starters, and at least plenty of "reading time" to peak over the book at the cute girl sitting next to you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Generally the fastest way to tell I am into someone in the vicinity is to see if I turn into a complete jackass around them.

    I want to touch her, but I fail at sharing affection ~platonically~. Solution? Punch her in the shoulder. I think she looks cute, so I smile, and cover that by laughing, which she interprets as me laughing AT her, and then I feel bad but too late, damage done. I read up on subjects she's interested in and then deliberately needle her into bouts of intense nerd rage (this works on everything from fashion designer stans to geology geeks). If I meet her friends/family I'm generally cool enough by them to help them gently pick on her.

    Bottom line: if you're trying to discern my intentions, start thinking 'this person was raised by cats' and go from there. Throwing up on your rug and leaving mouse spleens on your doorstep is a sign of love, approach with caution because outright affection will be met with scorn and suspicion.

    ReplyDelete
  14. If I like you, I won't look you in the eye. Cuz if I do, I'll break out into a sweat and my face will turn bright red. Also, I will get awkward and I will overanalyze every action in relation to you. I will probably stop texting you first, I will not sit near you unless I have to, and I will try way too hard to sound casual when we talk. But if I get even a *leeeeetle* bit of a vibe that maaaaaaybe you like me too, then I will become the biggest flirt in the entire UNIVERSE. That's my shameful secret: I'm a huge fuckin' flirt.

    ReplyDelete
  15. So, to sum this up, if a girl says stupid things and laughs loudy or uncontrollably around you, and the next time she sees you, acts like she thinks she's too cool for you and snubs you and even avoids eye contact with you, then go for it! She likes you!

    If animals were as bad at this as some of us, we would all be vegetarians. And nature shows would be boring.

    ReplyDelete
  16. ooh. I suck at this part also. Seriously: I'll meet a fabulous cute/smart/hip girl and chatter on for hours. Maybe even shoot some pool (badly) with her. We giggle, we smile, we flirt, we have intellectual discourse in public.

    and then I leave. Without her Fecking Phone Number, Last Name or identifying detail. And certainly without putting moves on her. Cuz I gotz zero game. It's a good thing I'm not in charge of procreating.

    Really it's sad, like a dog chasing a car: lots of noise, but utter confusion couple with fear and awe upon hints of success.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Eye contact is my secret weapon. Never underestimate its power. If I'm giving you meaningful eye contact when I talk to you, especially if I smirk a lot, I'M INTO YOU.
    And that's another thing. I smirk. And bite my bottom lip, and quirk my mouth into funny shapes. I'm not sure why (am I advertising my oral skills?) but it's just one of my things.
    Someone commented before about sitting in coffee shops with a book or something- I am so there. It's a chick magnet.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Terrible, contrived and extremely obvious finding of excuses to be wherever she is, for me.

    That and a lot of deeply unbutch squeaking and giggling.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Sburg: I personally will bat eyes and grab muscle and giggle a lot. I blush as red as satans asshole and I try really hard to look as cute as possible whenever I may run into them.
    I also make cutey jokes and awkwardly make sexual comments without meaning to and then end up running away.

    I stare them down, apparently, like, stalk them from afar. I find excuses to brush against them or run into them.

    V(Sburg's partner):
    I can't make eye contact, I shuffle my feet and look down and mumble (I actually look at their shoes, not their titties.)
    'cus if I thought about their boobs um.. And they knew that I was thinking about their boobs I'd be so ashamed I'd crawl into a hole and die.
    I blush a lot. I say "Yeah" and "it's weird" and squirm. I also smile like a goofey asshole.
    I also check her out obviously, like, I look back, and make sure she's looking back too.
    Generally I can't pick up on anything unless it's really blatant and obvious. People usually tell me if a girl likes me though.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm so obvious when I'm crushing on someone it's pathetic. I'll do anything to be near my crush. I do the coffee shop scenario quite often. Right now I'm reading Gabriel García Márquez...hmmm...so far no takers. I also turn into a big flirt.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Initially when I meet a girl I really like, after talking on the phone and texting for a few days, I will subtly start presenting more frequent opportunities to hang out. Coffee, dinner, ice skating, whatever. This lasts about 2 weeks.

    Dammit, I would kill for some game.

    What would you do if a girl all of a sudden started CONSTANTLY texting/emailing/ calling/showing up at work with lunch, or coffee, or flowers, or all of the above; who doesn't seem to understand why you won't hold her hand all the time, kiss her every time you are within 2 feet of each other and wants to talk about future plans with you INCESSANTLY? Probably RUN.

    This is my problem.

    www.Overwhelming.com

    Quick way to make a girl run for the hills!

    ReplyDelete
  22. This post and these comments are genius. Well, statement 1: I suck at this.

    And also: I do the not-telling-anyone-what-I-want-thing. The more I want it, the less likely I am to show that I do. Which I think connects with this: the more I want a person, the less likely I am to tell her.

    Eh.

    But well, if anyone happens to come across me, if I'm interested, I tend to make fun of you and smirk when I do it, "playfully" tell you that you're hot, make inappropriate sex jokes as if I don't mean it, and be completely unable to touch you. I will sit as far away as I can. I will probably flinch when you touch me and then mentally beat myself up. If I do touch you, I will touch your shoulder or your hair. And also look at your hands a lot. Yeah, that's probably my give-away. I stare at your hands.

    I will, of course, never tell you that I'm interested. It has to be on your initiative. And then I'm likely to run away for fear you don't really mean it, so you have to be persistent.

    Another give-away: If I make up lame excuses to do things around you, follow you places, take the same bus, or similar things, then I'm interested. Otherwise I will always make up excuses to get away because I usually don't like being around the same person for very long.

    I also do the secret stalking thing, almost exactly like Anartemistic up above. The looking-up-everything-I-can-find-about-them-on-the-internet-thing. And I'm usually really good at this too - finding old accounts, finding comments they made on other persons blogs, remembering things they told me that might clue me in on where to find traces of them. Vacuuming their facebook-accounts. And their friends'.

    Eh. I'm creepy. Seriously creepy.

    But! This makes me quite a good conversationalist. Because I feel like I'm in their head, which makes me able to bring up subjects I know they will enjoy talking about, smile happily and bring up films and books I know we both like. And then we usually connect.

    Unfortunately, we connect on a friend-level, because I'm to cowardly to flirt.

    Actually, that's not true. If I'm interested in a straight girl, I flirt madly and obviusly "for fun". With an ironic twist and a smirk, so she "won't take me seriously". As i figure I'm screwed anyway and have nothing to lose.

    If I know she's not straight, I bottle up totally for fear of rejection.

    Example from reality: I crushed madly on a girl I met this fall. We became good friends quite quickly (remember the good conversationalist stalking-thing?) and I was pretty convinced she was straight (stalking told me this). She knew I wasn't. Because I told her. And then started flirting away, armed with an ironic smile. This went on a couple of months. Then we were at a party and she kissed me. Quite heavy make-out session happened. All on her initiative. I was high on happiness.

    What do you think I did then? You can have three guesses, but you'll only need one: I botteled up. Flirting stopped. Playful touching stopped. Making-inappropriate-jokes and being able to look her in the eye stopped.

    No, no, I'm sure she doesn't at all feel rejected, even though I'm more interested than ever and seriosly want her.

    Conclusion: I suck. This comment is way tl;dr. And it's a miracle anyone has ever endured me long enough to realize I'm actually interested.

    ReplyDelete
  23. What is Groupon?

    Your whole don't tell anyone if you really want it theory applies to my girl crushes. Absolute silence. Will not talk about her with anyone and will definitely not actually talk to her. This is because I know that once the metaphorical seal is broken, I will not be able to shut up. My friends get sick of that real fast.

    From what I gather, telling a girl you like her straight up is actually quite effective. Imagine someone looking you straight in the eyes and then saying, 'You are fucking gorgeous and I can't stop thinking about you'. Anyone would be flattered, even if they didn't feel the same way. However, easier said drunk than done sober.

    ReplyDelete
  24. congrats on the job. amazing. I will definitely be casting votes for you!

    ReplyDelete
  25. When I like a girl, I write her poems, buy her flowers and tell her I have a crush on her. Obviously.

    Other things:

    I saw her car parked in the public parking lot and it was all snowed in and covered in snow, so I shoveled and cleared all the snow off her car. I also put money in the meter.

    She was a barista at a coffeehouse I frequented. I left her ridiculous 50% tips.

    I ran errands for her.

    She brought her dog to work. I noticed she was busy and offered to walk her dog for her.

    She was always bumming smokes off me. I bought a cigarette case with her name engraved on it and preloaded it with cigarettes. Next time she asked to bum a smoke, I gave it to her.

    She lived on the other side of the country. I took two weeks off of work and drove 3,000 miles to spend 8 days with her and 3,000 miles back.

    This isn't all the same girl, but the last one is the one I'm still with. I have more examples, but in general I would just do things I think she would appreciate. It varies depending on the girl/situation. I mean, I wouldn't go overboard and freak her out by buying her a ring or something really expensive that screams "I want to move in with you on the third date."

    Start out with small things. Pay attention and look for opportunities to make her smile or make her day a little easier, but without implying there are strings attached. I'm a terrible talker and stumble over words or talk too fast when I plan out things to say. So, I've mostly relied on actions and gestures.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Eye contact. If I think you're cute (hell, if I think you're queer!) I'll make eye contact. Like, look over in your direction and smile.

    If you look over in my direction and smile, then we can keep giving each other sidelong glances and smiling until one of us gets the nerve to talk to the other.

    Often, (and by often I mean all the time) the other person comes up to me first. Just pure awkward shyness, there.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Okay,

    1. CONGRATULATIONS! I am applying for a similar position at a different website and want it oh so badly. Then I could be all, "take that, you who smiled condescendingly when I majored in English."

    2. I also once used that Little Mermaid song to audition for a "prestigious" children's choir...and failed. Maybe it's the song...

    3. I will typically do that: "laugh-too-hard-in-the-vicinity-of-my-crush" thing and inevitably it won't be my laugh, but that of a donkey braying. For added charm, my face betrays me and turns BRIGHT red (never a cute cheek flush, but full-on stop sign).

    In hindsight, I kind of judge the women who approach this honking, red-faced gal...

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm really awkward with my hands around girls I think are cute. I really just don't know what to do with them... put them in my pockets? One hand in pocket and the other touching my bookbag strap? GAHHH. I am not smooth at all.

    It's probably also obvious that I'm trying to ignore them because I absolutely do not look at them. I will look in their directions, but that is all.

    I don't know if any cute girls have realized, but if I seem them at a distance, I will walk in a different fucking direction (because I know how awkward I am).


    As for telling when someone likes me.... no inkling whatsoever.


    -AF

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  29. stalking + being super nice to her is involved.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I tell her/hir/them/him that I like them:
    a) I'm really attracted to you;
    b) I want to ask you out on a date; or
    c) Wanna make out?

    a) has never panned out.
    c) either works or it doesn't, but it has led to some hawt sexytimes.
    b) jury's still out here. But I inevitably say something about how awkward I am and it either makes things more awkward or seems charming.

    I can't be subtle, because subtlety gets me absolutely nowhere.

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  31. I might be alone here but--

    I really don't think it's that hard to tell if somebody likes you.

    When I like somebody I go out of my way to see them, do things for them (like giving them rides or casually paying for their lunch), text them witty (I hope) messages, and generally try to talk to them a whole damn lot. To quote a crush from college, "Well I knew you liked me cause you were always asking me to go out for tea all the time." (Go ahead an' have a laugh on me) Simple, right? If somebody likes you, they'll make excuses to see you/"accidentally" run into you, talk to you, and generally hang out with you. If they go out of their way to make physical contact (touching your arms, hands, etc.) when they talk to you, that's a good sign. If they really pay attention, looking you in the eyes, being really emotive, and smiling A LOT at you, that's also a good sign. Body language is a real thing.

    And Krista's right-- usually the person you like already knows you like them because of these behaviors. Usually if they like you back you know. If they don't straight off the bat, it doesn't mean their mind can't be changed. ;)

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  32. When I like a guy (I am a girl who likes guys), this is a rare occasion, because I fall for a guy about once every two years or so. As such, I panic, because these crushes are usually very strong.

    I muster up every bit of confidence and verve I have and try to talk to them exactly as if I found them interesting and funny, but didn't LIKE like them at all.

    I talked to my current crush this way in November. (Augh.) I think I was so confident, I was domineering and scary. And HE was all stammering and looking at his feet and then looking straight into my eyes and then down at his feet again. (Augh augh augh.)

    BUT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND, SO WHATEVER.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Yikes! The lack of game displayed in these comments is staggering!

    Approach her, introduce yourself, kiss her hand maybe. Smile, smirk, flash your "damn your hot" eyes. Ask her a few questions i.e. what kind of music she likes, food, where she hangs out, etc. Then, relate; "I love that band" "Great drinks there" etc. Initiate a quick, memorable end to the conversation "My friends are patiently waiting, they know I can't resist a beautiful girl... I'd like to see you again, how do I do that?" GET contact information - phone number, email, Facebook, whatever. Then, use it.

    When (hopefully) there is a date involved, be a little less aggressive, open up, share light, funny, somewhat self-deprecating anecdotes. Compliment her. Ask questions. MOST importantly LISTEN carefully. Is she as cool as you think? Does she seem like she's into dating/being in a relationship?

    Stalking then ignoring, or worse yet, cyber-stalking is all much ado about nothing. I find most of my friends substitute having similar interests (which, is all well and good) for actual chemistry. The latter only comes with purposeful interaction with clear intent. Read that again. Too-friendly chatting is not clear intent. Because-we-have-a-class-together is not clear intent. If you like her, make it known. Don't waste time trying to make that some big surprise.

    Most people like to be pursued, but not stalked. They take kindly to small gestures of interest (a flower, a mix, a shared sentiment) but get uncomfortable as the recipient of grandiose gifts. Compliment, don't worship. You get the idea.

    It's hard to find someone you can share a deep connection with; all the more reason to seize the opportunity to meet people who strike you as attractive and interesting, but not put too much weight into whether they're "it".

    Developing a little game to help the process feel more fun and relaxed is good practice.

    Good luck ladies!

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  34. I'm in no way smooth, and I decided this year I was going to change that - awkward exchange be damned. Usually, I would just peek in my best sly spy way when I see my ungettable crush in public, or I would hope my musings would somehow make it through the rumor mill that is the St. Louis dyke scene.

    This year, so far, I've outed myself to two crushes. First was a firefighter in Americorps...most beautiful eco-lesbian I've ever seen, AND she was trying to be a wildlife EMT - oh, mylanta. So....I facebooked her, and had an awkward first conversation at our dyke bar, Novaks. We messaged back and forth for a while, but she eventually stopped. FAIL

    Next was a girl who worked at my grocery store, who was way more hip than me. I was intimidated by her bicycle-themed tattoos, and she did the moonlight ramble every month. 20 miles on a bike during the full moon...I get tired watching people exercise. I broke the ice in line one day and made her laugh. Months of awkwardness later, out with mutual friends I asked her to dance. She said she would like that...1 hour later she was making out with someone on the dance floor. It wasn't me. Le sigh.

    So, I have no idea how to hit on a girl, but I do know how to make them my friends. I'm just excited I even hit on anyone. I've reached my quota for the year. Now I'll just rely on sending good vibes into the universe.

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  35. Congrats on getting staff writer! That's really awesome and I'm glad you LOVE what you're doing now!

    I'm the type of girl who shuts down and avoids eye contact or interactions with her. I'm a mess. But I have the creepiest stalking and obsessive thoughts about her all the time.

    This happens to me quite a bit. Sometimes I'll eventually tell her, usually a bit too late or at a super awkward time. I've got some bad luck lately.

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  36. I have very little experience in the field of letting girls know I'm into them. My approach goes a little something like this:

    -Go to gay bar.
    -See cute boyish girl.
    -Make eye contact.
    -Ingest liquid courage.
    -Bump into cute boyish girl in line for the bathroom.
    -Giggle/blush and say something stupid such as "you have really great hair" which doubles as an excuse to touch it.
    -Exchange numbers and make meaningful eye contact until she is forced to come back and pull you onto the dance floor.
    -Make out against the wall for the rest of the night.

    May not have been the smoothest approach but it's nearly a year later and we still laugh about it.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Gahhh why do some of your posts happen at the perfect time in my life?

    Luckily some of the girls I've dated are a bit more vocal (sluttier) than I and were willing to make the first move, but the girl I just started seeing is equally as horribly fucking awkward as I.

    She would come in to my restaurant when I was working and I knew she was there for me....and sometime we wouldn't say more than hi, followed by me secretly feeling like death, dropping dishes, and kicking myself.

    So one night I sent a drink her way and snuck one for myself. I said fuck it, grabbed her face and kissed her, then told her she makes me nauseous....in a good way.

    whatever, it worked.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Congratulations on the job, girl. That is *awesome*. Those groupon promos are actually funny. There have been a few times that I was like, what? They actually have smart/witty people writing these. And two, I will vote for you with every e-mail I have (which is only 2). Cheers to you. p.s. vagitarian. Love! :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. First off, yay job you like! I love those promos and have always wondered about the people that work there. Second off, I did vote for you. With all three email accounts. Not as good as five but the effort is there.

    I don't have moves. I mean, I try to have moves, which usually equals trying to talk to her, which equals trying to be funny, which equals sitting close to her and constantly trying to touch her arm and constantly complimenting her hair.

    It usually results in a girl saying that "You're cute" and then leaving and telling all of her friends how this one girl just wouldn't stop hitting on her jeez.

    OR

    I get laid, in which case I still here "You're cute" which really just means I'm awkward. But hey. I still got some.

    I think I just have to rely on women thinking that being cute in an awkward, sarcastic way is a good thing. No moves matter if those things are a turn off to the woman I'm approaching.

    Oh. I also make a habit of stalking people. Almost forgot to throw that one out there!

    -Sara
    lickmyclothes.blogspot.com

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  40. Congratulations on the new job, especially being a job you LIKE. I hope it brings you tons of joy and huge paychecks :)

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  41. Mostly I think I just do random cute things, like send her little drawings or (hopefully) witty/funny texts and generally trying really hard to be funny; hopefully this comes off as cute and not creepy. I think it can also come off as pretty overwhelming, so I'm working on that part.

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  42. "It makes people's brains bleed when you don't capitalize "i."
    I agree. I would be far more likely to purchase one of your shirts if you fixed that. I would then wear said shirt around my crush.

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  43. When I'm crushing on a girl, I usually talk to them. A lot. Well, that is if they're one of my friends. If they're my friend, I sit next to them, talk to them a lot, create situations where they have to talk to me lolol, hug them a lot, etc.

    If I don't know them personally, I sorta go where I find them. Like at school, I walk in a certain hallway where I know I'll see them, look down but look up and make a tiny bit of eye contact. Not enough to where they know I want they're lady-junk though.

    I'm an all around awkward child.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I am exactly the same way about things I want! Congrats on the groupon job btw.

    Also, I'm totally putting in my vote for the blog. Even though I am not a lesbian or even a female, this blog is just way too hilarious and amazing to not read.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I'm the most awkward when I see someone that I like. I would like to talk to them but that always results in me blushing excessively, not being able to say a sentence correctly and running away...Its a wonder I ever get any dates >_<
    So because I know that I blush crazy and can't talk I generally do what you do and ignore the person, this is in hopes that if they talk to me I can be all cool about it...which doesn't happen.
    I really gotta improve my game...

    ReplyDelete
  46. Personally, I prefer the 4th grade playground approach: Bash her all to hell, SORT of playfully but kind of maybe not, balls-to-the-wall style. I landed my current girlfriend that way, and she always tells people about the day we met: "She was an ASSHOLE to me (grin)" It went something like this:

    Her: Hhhhey.
    Me: Yo.
    Her: I do all this really cool stuff for a living and everyone just loves me and falls at my feet I'm so amazingly awesome, also check out my sweet tattoos as I lift up my plaid sleeve for you to ogle me while I smirk some more and dazzle you with my pale green eyes.
    Me (deadpan): what, you think you're hot shit.
    Her: (smirks)
    Me: (still deadpan, blink once)
    Her: (a little nervous, intrigued, and ten months later still my rockin girlfriend [if you're reading this, baby, happy valentine's day! xoxo])

    Flawless. Victory.

    DISCLAIMER: This approach is NOT one-size-fits-all.

    I'm a high-femme. Chicks don't think I'm gay unless I want them to think I am. And I like a cocky andro chick with nice boobs and life goals and more friends than me who likes to be in charge (oh, yes). So as you may imagine, being meek and shy around these individuals shows them you're intimidated, which is lame (think DOMINANCE). You see, when you back talk a girl who's used to bossing people around... she is GUARANTEED to smirk.

    Also, that whole "girls only go for assholes" thing works on lesbians of all kinds, and we are living proof.

    Try it sometime. But don't go for the jugular (like, don't put them down, per se, just don't accept their offers to inflate their already tremendous egos. That's for later, when you have that shit on lock. In the beginning, just... play it cool, carefully trying not to be visibly impressed by her awesome JUST long enough that she believes you. She will want to know who the fuck you think you are. Maybe you'll let her find out. ;)

    NOTE: Girls that respond to this approach quite likely also enjoy being flogged a little, between the sheets. Jus' sayin.

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  47. Just go for it. Believe in yourself, be you. Make conversation, smile, laugh, touch, and when the time is right, grab her hand, pull her aside and lean in for a kiss.

    In the end, all girls just want to be swept off their feet, right? And confidence is sooo sexy. So what do you have to lose? Go for it.

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  48. I have always had a problem flirting with guys. When I was 14, I stuttered and blushed, and later I was just... well, chatting to them, casually, so eventually any guy, any guy I talked to became a buddy. By then I found out that guys reeeeallly weren't my forte.
    I find flirting with girls as natural as breathing air. Not that I'm suave or anything, God forbid. I blush and have once or twice stumbled or downright fallen down a table or stairs. Just feels ok.
    Ok,ok, my strategy To Show A Girl She's Special To Me:
    1. If I don't know her, I acquaint her. Like 'Hey, I'm Tina, love your scarf/scar/eyes'. Easy as hell, especially as I'm a good painter and nothing gets on a girl's good side like 'You've got amazing eyes, such rich blue/brown/etc.I HAVE to sketch'em sometime'
    2.Once acquainted, I frequent the places she hangs out. Currently I'm softening up one of my colleagues at uni and it ain't easy, but sometimes we meet at a lecture. When that occurs, I invariably:
    a. sit on the row behind her/in front of her.
    b. talk to her - friendly- like, but with a bit too much of an eye contact to be just friendly.
    c. throw some remarks that may seem casual to others, but she gets them. That last part is hard.
    When I see her, I'll make a beeline and chat to her. I don't care that there are about 20 people from her clique around her. My attention is only for her and she notices it. Then I sit next to her and chat up. Even if somebody tells me something, I tend to answer him/her without breaking eye contact with my crush.
    This is getting long winded. In short - get to know her. If she is even a lil' bit friendly, proceed to meeting her. Just be yourself and give honest compliments and eye- contact. Oh.The.Eye.Contact. Magic. Ignore other girls that are around you when you're together. Be straightforward, not pushy; try to be yourself, and sharpen your wit and sense of humor. And if by God you notice any signs that she's getting a bit tired of you company get outta her sight ASAP. You've got dignity, after all.
    So, try not to overreact.
    And grats on the new job, I really think you'll be great! :)

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  49. This post helped me today! A girl smiled at me and then she tripped on the stairs. Normally I wouldn't have thought twice about it, but I was like, smile + awkward = like!

    So I smiled back and talked to her for a while. Thank you, effing dykes (this includes everyone in the comments section).

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  50. Oh god. I'm just plain awful. I usually just mumble and giggle and shuffle away all ashamed. On top of that, girls never ask me out either because I look like the straightest girl you will ever see. Life rocks!
    Anyhow...
    Congrats on the new job, Krista! That's amazing!!

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  51. I overshare.

    It's a problem.

    I'm fairly certain that it's all a clever plot on the part of my brain to sabotage any chance I may have of getting a date, much less laid.

    I think my brain's logic runs somewhere along the lines of

    "You like that hot girl. You feel safe and awkward around her. Better drive her off before it gets serious."

    What's scary is when she shares back.
    But then we never end up making out because we're both having uncomfortable flashbacks.

    Instead, when I look back in horror later of how crazy insane I have shown myself to be, I decide that the best thing to do is to avoid contact with her at all costs.

    My brain sucks.

    My brain is fired.

    90% of these posts have said they're just as awkward as I am.

    Fuck having game, and fuck subtlety. Here I was thinking that everyone else had their shit together. Glad to know I'm in good company.

    I think from now on I'm going to be awkward loudly, and try to keep my damn mouth shut about past-angst.

    No more introspection.

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  52. generally get drunk and act like an arse. Hasn't really worked out yet.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I am so fucking obvious when I like someone. I compliment them like crazy, giggle at everything they say, and figure out some way to touch or snuggle with them.

    I'm pretty sure the girl knows every time.


    Ps. I voted w/ both of my email addresses! =D Yay!

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  54. Oh fellow lezzies you should have so much more confidence in yourselves!!! Your beautiful, hot, smart, and know what you want!!! And you have to strut your stuff!
    I love being dominated later in the relationship but I try to be very domineering if I like someone. I haven't really liked someone on a whim so good for those of you who are like hey there's a hot girl I'm gonna go talk to her. I usually fall for someone who I've known for a little while. I give them my number first and wait for her to call or text back and if she does this I know that she interested. I'm also a total ass and sort of mean but it works!!! And when I'll probably have the chance to run into them I'll dress up really cute and pretty and display as much confidence as I can.
    I like to invite crushes out to dance too which makes close times often and who doesn;t think its sexy when ur whispering in someones ear and touching, thats why slow songs are the best and bust out ur best dance moves so even if they are lame you both can have a good laugh.
    No matter if we're fem, butch, andro, or a mixture of all of them, I think we're all a little attracted to dominance and confidence.
    So be confident ladies!!!!

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  55. This is all me down to a T. When I'm into a girl I do not talk to her AT ALL. I definitely act like I'm too-cool, when in reality I just turn to a jiggly mess when she's around. I've been told by more than a few crushes (when I get the guts to open up a little), that when we first met, they read me as "standoff-ish" and "unapproachable". While, on the other hand, w/ guys I can completely be myself, which then lends to a lot of guys being interested in me. It is all very unfortunate! Plus there's the issue of "being distant around straight girls because I don't want them assuming I'm into them (because I am an obvious homo)" issue which always ends up with me either being considered a bitch, or obviously into them! I need help too!

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  56. I definitely do the making excuses to spend time with them thing. So much. I always think it must be really obvious because honestly I don't volunteer to wait around in the freezing rain with everyone I know...but experience implies it's not as obvious as it feels.

    I also have a bad habit of trying to make myself seem like a badass...and instead coming across as an a alcoholic. It's a thin line between teenage rebel and complete mess and to be honest I don't know where I'd place myself, but I know where I want people to think I am...

    I also overshare. A lot. See above.

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  57. @anon 2.10.11 10:26 am:

    holy shit the next suitor to kiss my hand within the first 6 hours of meeting (or probably ever unless they're being sarcastic-funny) will have just hindenberged their chances with me. that's not charming, dog, that's creeper weird and i don't care how suave your delivery is or how unaffected your poise.

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  58. does anybody know what you're supposed to do once you get a girl's phone number? seriously, it's fucking bewildering! what if she doesn't remember who you are? then you're just some random creepy stranger calling AUGH why are social interactions so difficult!!!

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  59. Congradulations on the new job. I know you will like it a lot better that the bakery. Although, I must thank you...I won ten bucks. I told my girl that you wouldn't make it after dropping the wedding cake. ~~ *What she doesn't know I did the exact same thing twenty years ago. I was out of the cake shop with in the next two days. I STILL feel bad, very very bad about it. And saying that "shit happens" isn't enough to stop the guilt* So, If ever we meet... I owe you a drink.

    As for picking up/meeting the girls...it is about confidence. Yes, eye contact, "chance" meetings, texting and the touching thing..they work... eventually. But real results come from just getting in there and trying.

    See, this takes practice. It's like going to a batting cage. Ya just keep swinging til you hit the ball and then you keep with that form and work with it. You work with that form til your hitting 8 out of 10.

    What I am saying is just talk to them.

    If your nervous then, after stumbling through the started conversation...say "you make me nervous" and smile or blush or both.

    And if you get blown off...fine..keep moving. There are plenty of us "woman in comfortable shoes" around that you won't be alone long.

    Keep in mind..she is having the same issues you are about this. It's up to you to break the ice. Seriously, How the hell do you expect to get laid if you don't try?

    It works.

    Look, I'm not that attractive and I'm 40, and yet... I pick up woman ALL THE TIME. I meet them at the library, farmers market, the grocery, concerts, bars, and even standing at a bus stop. I met my current girl at Freakin' resturant supply auction.

    Just keep talking. You will eventually find your swing.

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  60. Full disclosure: We both turned 18 this month. So talking about it online is OK

    It's a mature activity
    REALLY

    Applied (and got in!) early decision to Smith College. Talking to this pretty smart, cute, awkward girl who is in most of my courses revealed that SHE TOO WAS APPLYING AND WANTED TO GO. So immediately I was like aha! Given that you are applying to Smith, there is a higher probability that you are lesbian!

    Her being lesbian or not is VERY IMPORTANT to me because oh god we always end up giving each other these awkward smiles and acknowledgement during class but we generally sit too far away to actually talk (though we did discuss elementary school love of Tamora Pierce once) and I don't know if she's just generally awkward but I don't make faces like that with anyone else and I'm not sure if she's just responding to me being awkward!

    Also I'm weird and when I look at people I don't do the typical eye flutter away thing. I'm like I'M LOOKING IN YOUR EYES. I WILL NOT LOOK AWAY BECAUSE I READ ONLINE THAT THIS MAKES ME ALPHA. Which is probably really creepy.

    But this is high school anyway and being gay for real is therefore probably a bad idea if I don't want to be stoned or some Biblical shit.

    Too bad NONE of this is helpful to anyone else.

    EHHH.

    THIS IS THE END OF MY STORY.

    ...

    ReplyDelete
  61. asifnweingoierng
    This happened to me last semester.
    I was in a sociology class and had my eye on this extremely GORGEOUS girl. Prettiest I've ever seen. I pretty much acted like she didn't exist when it came to group work/when she spoke out loud during class/asked me for something. Mainly because I'm really awkward and had no idea if she was gay.
    So finally..I got up the courage to write her a note..and I left my e-mail in it..stupid thing was..I gave it to her the last day of class.
    She never e-mailed me. SO.
    1) She wasn't gay and thought I was a creep
    or
    2) Just blew it off.
    I like doing things like that..but I feel like it makes me seem creepy..

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  62. hmmm.
    I feel like if I like someone, or am really comfortable with them and good friends with them, I will use their name a lot. If I do not know someone that well, I usually hesitate to call them by their name in conversation.
    Also if I think a girl is cute, I will obviously look her up on Facebook first to see if she's gay, friend her if I can find a reason to, maybe ask around to see if friends know if she's gay (or if she's not or I can't tell, complain to friends about how I wish she was gay).
    Then, going by recent activity, I will just be extremely passive about it and not do anything if she's someone I don't know. eehhhh
    if it's someone I actually interact with on a regular basis and really have a crush on, probs I just find ways to flirt in a subtle way until it is too much and I just have to ask her out already. But that situation hasn't happened in a while.

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  63. I clam right up. I just don't talk at all.

    Unless there are Gin & Tonic's involved. Then I am a spicy spanish maiden and I have no shame.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Who doesn't need help picking up ze ladies? Right now I'm interested in a girl in my foreign langauge class and only talked to her in class or when we run into each other. I am so awkward around her! =/ I don't know what to do with my hands and worry if I am obvious and try to play it cool and uninterested, in effect begin worrying whether playing it cool gives me away or makes her think I don't like her. Then I forget what I am going to say and make lame comments..
    There was another girl last semester who gave all the signs, eye contact, approached me first, awkward in a cute way, eye contact, smiling, touch my arm/leg, hugging, wanting to hang out all the time. Alas, she was straight with a long distance boyfriend. ?

    ReplyDelete
  65. God, this reminds me of the time I tried for the first time, at the age of 28, to pick up a woman...it was so fucking bad....and I was so proud of myself...and told her so. hahaahahhaha. years later, I run into her in a professional capacity. Oh, the shame.
    I have no idea whatsoever how I then ended up immediately having an affair with a seasoned gorgeous dark eyed (partnered) butchy dyke. I was so GODDAMNED awkward. or dating a seriously beautiful Kathryn Hepburn lookalike after that. or getting a fabulously gorgeous way older woman to date me. Etc. etc. I must have had something because I am not really that cute but I have been with some amazing looking women. It must be the short little bits of cryptic poetry I can't help writing into hand made cards when I am seriously infatuated. oh, and the fliiirtiiiing and the off handed jokes whilst flashing my smiling eyes.
    Oh my God, this whole lesbians getting laid behavior is like watching a ridiculous elaborate mating ritual of some strange animal species and thinking "wow that is crazy, but it gets the job done".

    ReplyDelete
  66. I'm actually a good flirt (recent discovery!) but thus far in my brief 22 years of existence, this hasn't helped me out. Like, at all.

    So I'm thinking:

    a) It really comes down to direct communication: one person being gutsy enough to say something with words like, "I like you" or "Let's go on a date" (not this is-it-a-date-or-is-it-not bullshit: step up! define your terms!). I think this is true especially if you're a flirt-- because if you naturally flirt with everyone, how will your crushes know you like them particularly, as opposed to everyone else you flirt with?

    It's also worth noting that I don't come off as interested in the ladies. I identify as bi, so I understand that it's confusing or that I seem like a lost cause if I'm flirting with a dude. So maybe I need to cut everyone's gaydar some slack and DIRECTLY COMMUNICATE USING MY WORDS WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN

    [or]

    b) It's all just a crapshoot, and it's nice that flirting is fun, but good fucking luck out there.

    I'm hoping it's option a. I'm going to try to be a little bit more direct.

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  67. First of all, I am very happy about your getting a job that you've desired and, hopefully, will enjoy and that will ADDITIONALLY, lead to lucrative avenues in similar realms.

    Dude, secondly, SOOOOOoooo sorry about the Super Bowl Ad, with which, luckily, you had no part of and enjoy total deniability.

    Finally I want to say, WTF ladies? If you like someone just say so. Case closed. Forget the subterfuge. No wonder it's like picking apples off a tree when I go to a club. So many of you gals are so tentative that a person who's direct seems to ride up like the knight on the shining skateboard / snowmobile (depending on your weather at this time of year) to saving our sisters from yet another sexually frustrated evening.

    Hugs,
    Sissy

    ReplyDelete
  68. A likely scenario: I buy her limited edition retro items like wonder woman/little house on the prairie/daisy duke shit she doesn't need. I wonder why I'm shopping for this stuff in the middle of the night. Then I do something random/on accident/ not-pre-thought-through-at-all like offer to take her jeans shopping. She wonders why I'm giving her stuff and wanting to see her try on jeans. This awkward phase lasts anywhere from two to six months.

    Then I either commit to the challenge or bail. If heading onward, I offer to be her house boi - joking, then serious, then joking again. I keep her confused as hell and laughing. Tasks may include: drive everywhere and anywhere, timely delivery of craved items such as sushi and ice cream, scrub YES AMEN scrub her floors 'til they sparkle. As a last resort, I make her the best damn cheesy potatoes ever. This stage means we are (crossing fingers) going to be together. Daily if done right. My optimist/patient side hopes this phase may never end. My WTF-am-I-doing side is like WTF-am-I-doing?

    Then one random day, if she's so darling and I can no longer resist, I offer her a back massage. All in all, its about a 60/40 shot things progress from there. Better odds with *Wisconsin Ladies* with the cheesy potatoes - easily a 80/20 shot.

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  69. So this is all very good advice, but what if you are close to the girl? How about the ladies who have had a crush on a roommate/housemate... who pretty much forced you out of the closet because she's so amazing... but she has a girlfriend... yeah.

    How the hell is a poor baby dyke supposed to handle a situation that?

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  70. whaaaat, I never know what to do and act like with everyone else... Just when she is not looking I staaaaare and stare and stare... I'm incapable of doing anything -.-
    Unless I'm drunk. Obviously. In that case I touch her (a lot) and stare (a lot) while having an actual conversation, then she says something like "oh well, I think reading books is boring" and I think "what a stupid bitch" and lose interest ^^"
    hopeless

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  71. Anon baby dyke with housematecrush: I hear ya. I have been there. I have no advice. It sucks. Don't wanna ruin close relation + usual I-like-her-awkwardness + already existing girlfriend - sucks. I'm sorry. I flirted a lot - very jokingly. Very exaggerated flirting so she wouldn't take me seriously while I still got to say what I wanted to. (What the heck - flirt. Tell her she looks good and is amazing. If she doesn't look at you that way because of already having a girlfriend, she won't take you seriously and you will have lost nothing. If she takes you seriously, you will see how she reacts - then you can either exaggerate and make her think you're just being silly, so she doesn't feel uncomfortable, or, if we are lucky, she will flirt back.) Otherwise I find talking about it helps, since all those things above mentioned often leads to a feeling of "no one can know"-catastophe. It isn't. If you can't tell her, tell someone else.

    (In the spirit of throwing things out there - there is a crush. She knows I'm into girls and she's straight, but still gives me all the signs of liking me - the laughing at bad jokes, the texting, the somewhat inappropriate touching, the awkwardness, the eye-contact, even some kissing - and I want her, but does not want to scare her and her straightness away by showing any signs of it. Why. I don't even know what the question is. Just... why. Le sigh.)

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  72. Glad to know I'm not the only awkward one, haha.

    If I'm in public and I spot a cute possibly-gay girl, I'll keep glancing at her to try to catch her eye...without being the creep who's staring. I figure that if she's not looking up/around then she's not interested in meeting anyone/has already spotted and dismissed me/is actually straight and thinks I'm crazy. The hard part is that AFTER making eye contact, I am immediately flustered by my success of establishing interest (like-- isn't that what I was aiming for in the first place?) that I tend to blush and then awkwardly look away. So...I'm still working on that method.

    I find that it's much easier to hit on someone that you met through a mutual friend or at some social event or school club, since there's already common ground that way. Then all you have to do is talk to her, be interested in what she's saying, try to find some common interest (say she likes art) and then invite her to do something related to that ("Oh, have you been to the Blah Blah Museum? You haven't? Oh, we should go sometime...") and voila. Just be sure to follow through and text/call her about it so she knows that you're serious about going and don't let too much time elapse. Gotta keep her interest on you.

    I'm pretty cautious so I like to feel people out. Inviting someone out as a friend and then trying to see if there's chemistry by being a little flirty and seeing how you enjoy each other's company is the way I like to do it. If the first excursion goes well I'll ask her to do something else at the end of it, either someone a little more intimate (coffee? movie at my place?) and see what she says.

    And then if she likes you back she'll keep hanging out with you, too, one on one.

    It's a game. It's all a game.

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  73. Congrats on the new job!

    Jesus christ, we all need help. I vote yes on the idea on Anon. @ 2/10/2011-12:10 AM about the cards. Circle one!

    I'm never quite sure if someone likes me or not, until they actually make some sort of move. Of course, in hindsight, I always think "Why the hell didn't I pick up on that??" But alas, 20/20 vision in hindsight, blind as a bat in real-time.

    The girl I'm with now was a really odd occurrence. I met her very briefly at the LGBT club on campus, then she friended me on Facebook. Joy! Joy and rapture! I stalked her profile, of course, but we didn't talk for a while. Then she commented on a status I posted and we ended up posting upwards past twenty comments. This happened maybe four times, more comments each time, until she just decided to open a chat window.

    We stayed up chatting, and eventually (finally) I just thought "fuck it" and said we really needed to actually meet at some point. I didn't know if she was interested in me, but I was crushing hard already.

    We ended up meeting around 6:30 one evening on campus and we walked around downtown for hours, just chatting. It was pretty fun, but we were both pretty epically awkward. I always end up making exaggerated gestures when I'm nervous and I talk really loudly. And I was nervous. But it wasn't really a date, maybe, so I just treated her like I was making friends. Though I did share a little more than with most people I've basically just met. And I held eye contact for a bit longer, but the fact we were walking around helped to not make it awkward when I didn't look at her for a while.

    Thank god. If I make eye contact, I get wound up. I blush and I stumble on words and talk really fast and I laugh in that nervous way everyone does. It's horrendous.

    We ended up standing on a bridge for almost 2 hours, looking at the river. She got cold and I gave her my jacket. (Actually, I kind of forced her to take it. If you get it and hold it out for long enough with eye contact, they get nervous and take the jacket.)

    I also tend to tease those I like. I subscribe to the school-yard method of flirting: poke her, momentarily steal her things, tease her about something. But I never touch for longer than it takes to poke someone. It could be taken as creepy. I would take it as creepy. (FYI Kissing a girls hand when introducing yourself says you think way too much of yourself. And it puts you directly into the creeper category.)

    I like awkward girls, by the way. Awkward and nerdy and a little socially inept. I think a lot of dykes do, which is probably for the best, seeing all these comments. I think awkward girls are just way too cute and blushing is just the best thing ever. On other girls. On me, it's just awkward and embarrassing...

    Aaand this post is way too long... Just to sum up: EMBRACE THE AWKWARD!! I understand that it it, by nature, awkward to endure, but don't run away because of it! It's precious! And if she doesn't think you're cute when you're awkward, she's not worth your time. She can go for the hand-kissers. Girls like me will keep all you awkward dykes company, probably making you blush as much as possible.

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  74. life is too short! you gotta go for it. don't you just want your crush to just corner you at a party, and say "it's a shame we've never talked. wanna grab lunch sometimes?" chances are, they want the same thing.

    i get touchy when i like someone. a light graze along the arm, hugs, kisses on the cheek. it works for me. (though i guess i AM a straight girl..)

    There's nothing I love more than when someone I'm kind of interested in comes up to me, gives me a hug, but keeps his hand on my waist when talking to me.

    1. eye contact
    2. smile/laughing
    3. genuine interest - DONT ACT UNINTERESTED ITS SO AWKWARD AND ANNOYING AND WASTES TIME LIFE IS SHORT
    4. touchy touchy touchy


    anyway, congrats on the blog award nomination!!! just went and voted!

    - E

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  75. Well I just did an epic flirt fail this week, so I am in no position to give advice, but I'm going to share my terrible awful story anyway.

    Met via okcupid (DON'T JUDGE ME THERE ARE NO DYKES IN NORTHERN INDIANA) texted, she was like "here is the website where there are topless pictures of me" (WHAT. THE FUCK) had tea, made out, fucked the next day...

    and nothing. I texted her funny things and nothing. I asked her to let me know if she wasn't interested and she said something about getting thai food. Then more nothing. Finally I was like "OK I CAN TAKE A HINT BUT BE AN ADULT" and then the whole "you're a nice girl but I don't see this going anywhere..."

    So I told her "fuck it, your smoky apartment made me sick (i have bronchitis now) and you're disappointingly boring in bed. Leave me alone." (and for someone who says she's really into BDSM, she is incredibly boring).

    My friends are laughing hysterically over me putting her in her place. But seriously. I did everything right up 'til then...appropriate amount of non creepy contact, being completely forthright, asking her to be the same.

    Not sure what the lesson is here and I'm feverish and rambling. BUT LET IT OUT. BE HONEST. THE END.

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  76. A brief defense:
    1. How many of us have hit on that cute hipster we thought dyke just to discover she's a cute straight hipster with a faux hawk, and sleeve tattoos?
    2. Or given a girl in a class a number, or e-mail only to find out months later from a friend that while she doesn't "ascribe to a label" (insert haughty hipster look here) if she did that label would be STRAIGHT
    3. Been interested in a cute girl just to have one of your friends saunter over and tell you she's a great bottom/top/switch and she knows in the biblical sense (overlap with friends gets sticky)
    4. Or hit on a girl that is just not interested in your gender performance (ie. andro/femmey girl hits on boi, or high femme, or other andro/femmey girl just to discover she wants someone that looks just like her -FEAR THE MERGE)
    5. Or that though this girl has been flirting with you all night occupying your precious time her angry, angry g/f is now ready to leave the club and you are not getting a number
    6. or the girl you've been flirting with asks about your friend because she was too shy to talk to her so she chatted you up all night making you an unwilling wingperson

    So ... it's hard because ladies we're picky and no matter where you go each lezzie community is kinda small. So if you like bois and only bois and there are 10 in a room, 5 that have slept with your friends, 3 that are your exs/former hook ups, 1 that is chasing a high femme, and 1 that has a g/f you end up w little option other than happenstance or online dating. So that can translate into us stammering, blushing, avoiding contact, and being unable to believe that this one could just work out - because lots of them don't.

    This is also what makes out of towners the best thing ever. They usually have nothing to lose and hit on you, none of your friends have slept with them, the only downside is all you're getting out of that is a hookup.

    I find my confidence is fine if I'm not trying to date the girl but the moment I have that feeling in my stomach like the elevator moved too quickly and went down instead of up (read: butterflies) that's when I tell myself it's not going to happen because of all those other times.
    My point is we're awkward but we've got some decent reasons to be gun shy.

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  77. I use booze. Take her out, have a few drinks, dance, have a few more drinks, then if there are any reciprocated feelings they tend to come out.
    I'm very blunt when drunk and it works in my favor in almost every situation.

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  78. I posted earlier, and forgot to add CONGRATS on your new job! : )

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  79. Well seeing as I'm still closeted I dont hit on em. I usually do this thing where I suddenly become interested in buying chips if she is looking at them even if I came for something else. Oh, you're standing by the microwave? I guess I'll microwave my food now. Shit like that

    I also do the lesbian hand tuck in my back pockets. Thats good for a few reasons 1)GAYYYY 2)It forces me to open up, not cross my arms or be awkward 3) I have a great asset back there (hurr hurr punny)

    Another thing I do is pretend like I'm talking to a friend about some band but Im really only talking about it cuz I know she likes that band.

    Online stalking. to the max.

    Eye contact/check out

    Im usually really good with guys so I'm hoping that when I come out of the closet I'm just as masterful.

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  80. I like the method of finding an excuse to touch (sitting just close enough for our knees to brush against each other, for example) and seeing how she reacts. I'm way too awkward to ever actually say something to the person on whom I'm crushing. One of my housemates my senior year of college gave me the advice when I was trying to figure out if my now-girlfriend was into me that I should test the theory by applying my face to her face, specifically in the mouthal region, and see what happens.

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  81. some other wisdom from the internet:

    "Nobody ever died of awkward." (Queer Fat Femme)

    "That woman was sexy.... Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them." (Shit My Dad Says twitter)

    thanks, internet!

    also, to anonymous (Feb. 11, 7:44 PM): your housemate's advice is brilliant and hilarious. good on you for taking it (and congratulations!).

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  82. Teasing is the way forward, I feel like a child because I do this, I often tease them about the way they talk, their accent, weird things they do or if they do something embarrassing in front of me I constantly bring it up and make them feel embarrassed, but I try not to be too irritating, just flirty. The last girl I liked was slightly shorter than me, but I constantly called her short and her voice could get a tad squeaky at times, she used to get all quiet and awkward it was pretty darn cute. Alcohol always seems to make it easy as well, you just need to make sure you don’t get to drunk and confess your love for a girl and not get so drunk that you throw up or pass out. I can be really oblivious at times so when a girl hits on me or flirts I never really notice.
    G
    x

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  83. I tip my hat in congratulations and I voted 3 times for you. Here's the bunny hop in your honour!
    _ _
    \\ //
    \\_ _//
    (') (')
    jgs / )= =( \
    o( )_ _( )o

    When I really like a girl, I get mad hot uncontrollable hot flashes so I assume I turn red... I try not to show that I like her but theoretically, I should start doing the opposite.

    Plus staring, i.e. uncontrollable glances to her boobs (I am so awkward *cries*) and very mild internet stalking.

    You've gathered the stalkers to your post, hahaha! I feel... relieved. :D

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  84. (Darn, sorry for spamming, trying a last time. It's 2 adorable bunnies!)
    x _ _ x
    x \\ // x
    x \\_ _// x
    x (') (') x
    xjgs / )= =( \ x
    x o( )_ _( )o x

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  85. finding out how to do this might just be the key for every (or almost every) lesbian to get laid.

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  86. Dear "anonymous at 10:26 on the 10th". Thank you! That's exactly the kind of step by step, clear advice I need.
    Enjoy your day :)

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  87. I'm a predator. I literally hunt.

    Have you seen a cat do it ever? Stare, stare, make heads turn around, smile and leave?

    It works like magic: once done it, you have been convinced and are sure YOU are into ME.

    I will appear when you are not expecting so you can confirm you are into ME, time and time again. I will make you laugh, be flirty and slowly melt you. I am sooo lovely! and hot! and the best thing that ever happened to YOU!
    I will give up data about me so you can stalk me more playfully. I will make eye contact an pretend to be surprised.
    I am my own bait.

    I'm blessed I never blush, ever, never so I can pretend to be YOUR object of desire until you finally get me... most likely in public, because it's nice to get the girl you like in front of your 400 closest friends.

    Reactions to this technique:

    a) So you knew this was going to happen!?
    b) That was fast
    c) This is like hardcore mindfucking
    d) You cheated on the very concept of flirt
    e) You got a date set?!
    f) That was amazing
    g) You are a force from the dark side
    h) I want to cry
    i) Too bad I don't want to run away now...

    You know, I even get bets running to get someone I like to hit on me.

    And it never fails.

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  88. congratulations, girl. also, nice emily+naomi skins pic!

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  89. Way to hit the 1 million views milestone! It's something to celebrate!

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  90. Congrats on Groupon! I just signed up. Been meaning to do it. :)

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  91. I joined my school's stage crew for a drama production to spend more time with a girl who ended up not being able to join. God.Damn.It.

    ps. Congrats on the Groupon job giiiirl.

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  92. well....first: congrats on the job.

    Second: I am absolutely worthless in everyday conversation- especially with girls I'm interested in. WORTHLESS. I have a truly oddball sense of humor, and when it doesn't go over well I always start tripping over my own tongue, and then my stutter comes out and it just goes downhill from there.

    If I have a crush i usually just let it go if she doesn't make a move first.

    Exception!!!! - Jack Daniels makes me cocky, or confident, if you prefer. He has gotten me into more trouble. However, i probably wouldn't have my current girlfriend, and most of my previous ones, without him. This one, though, was fun. I don't remember how the conversation started (it was two years ago) but it ended with me demonstrating one of my favorite talents: I can remove earrings with only my tongue. She totally called me the next day.
    With another girl it ended with me making a tattoo gun for her out of an old radio, my sewing kit, and a few random things in my garage after the bar closed. I still love the tattoo she did that night. (frakking awesome artist, the crazy ones always are)

    To summarize.

    1.) Find pretty girl
    2.) Shot of Jack
    3.) Amiable Confidence
    4.) Be able to back up any claims you make.

    This has always worked for me. Even when in Japan speaking a mixture of Japanese and hand gestures after my talking dictionary's battery had died. (carry a pad of paper and pen if you're in a different country and your grasp of that language is shaky: bar pictionary is fun)

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  93. This depends on how well I know the girl in question. When I like a girl I don't really know/only know a little bit, I can't look her in the eye. I talk up into the air above her head or to her right ear. But I can't stop staring at her when she's not looking at me.

    If it's someone I've gotten comfortable around/am pretty good friends with, then I will find excuses to touch her. But not in an obvious way. I try to be as casual as possible. If I even think she has the SLIGHTEST inkling that I like her, I back off as much as possible.

    Also, I tend to become very...caring? Motherly? I want to take care of her. I want to make everything better, help her down steps, always make sure I have a Kleenex in case she needs one, etc.

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  94. Cassie, it gets a guy to get a girl? Earrings with your tongue!?

    I have new -and fab- mental images to mix with Jack Daniels. Thanks!

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  95. Usually it's the awkward across-room smile, everywhere we meet.
    Or I befriend them, and eventually it works out, for better or for worse. Befriending them also helps discern whether she is worth it or not...

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  96. Even though my first instinct is to act like a complete and total IDIOT around someone I like, I just remind myself that I find confidence EXTREMELY attractive and I've been told the same by many many others. I try to just shove my awkwardness out of the way and act like i'm the shit (without being egotistical). I try to make her laugh a lot (because I'm funny, and people remember the funny person) and I'm also very polite. I also stalk her facebook/tumblr/whatever obsessively but we all do that now don't we?

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  97. I start out by giving her a lot of attention, tell her she's pretty or I like something about her. Try to make nice with her friends, and hopefully say something funny. Then I get her number and make a date to do something. The rest is easy.

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  98. 1. Found your blog because I nominated one of my favorite bloggers for a bloggie, but when I went to vote, I visited EVERY SINGLE BLOG listed (and you got my vote, and I subcribed, and I'm straight and married. Not bragging, just saying... I'm an ally. And probably would be a little more bi if I hadn't closed up shop and married a dude).

    2. CONGRATULATIONS on your new job! That's so frickin rad!!

    3. In reading a lot of these comments, it seems a lot like breeders chasing each other around (sorry to be crass, and to compare you to breeders... just sayin), only us breeders assume that the dude is responsible for putting the moves on, and if the girl is receptive right away, she's a whore. I've been a whore plenty, mostly with my hubs, but I wondered if part of having insecurity about crushes is partly because there isn't a defined (as in gender-roled) half who is 'responsible' for putting on the moves.

    Do I just sound like a gigantic dumbass?

    I mean, if I were lesbian, I think I would really like butch girls, and it's sometimes easy to assume who is butch, and figure she might take charge and make the first move. But I don't know what it would be like if you're a lipstick into lipstick.... I'm so sorry. I don't have to ask if I sound like a jackass now. I know I do.

    Anyway, you're getting a straight bitch's opinion: I think eye contact and trying to talk face-to-face is awesome. If you get a little pink in the cheeks and stammer a bit, it's only adorable and flattering; only the most gigantic bitch would think it was pathetic and unattractive, and you wouldn't want to talk to that bitch anyway.

    If you realy want to put it out there, why not get the most gigantic copy of "The Vagina Monologues" and read that in the coffee shop? I think I was reading a gigantic copy of "I heart anal" when my husband hit on me the first time. ...Not too subtle, but a lot of fun things aren't.

    Good luck getting that poon, ladies!!!

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  99. My only semi successful attempt to flirt with a girl was pretty clutzy -- I looked down her shirt until she noticed. She took pity on me and danced with me for a bit, but I was SO embarrassed.

    I've decided to stick to smiles across the room and shy compliments. I can't decide if I am pleased or not that everyone else here seems to have similar stories. EJ is right. The lack of clear gender roles is confusing.

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  100. I totally signed up for Groupon!!! What a digitally revolutionary idea.
    Congrats Krista. So happy for you. See what you can do about more Salt Lake City Groupon shit. Hahahaha, and to all my sapphic sisters out there who have just enough luck to have an actual valentine today, as well as those of us who are still working at it...Happy Valentines day.

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  101. A lot of you are right. The awkward nerdy ones are hot. When she tries so hard not to blush, biting her lower lip in embarrassment, or even when she gives up entirely on looking cool and that uncontrollable grin breaks out across her face,
    I want to make out with that.
    I want to hear you talk about DS9 until 3 in the morning.
    I want to see that nerdy-joy on your face.
    I want to hear your awkwardest of awkward laughs.

    It's not lame. It's obscenely attractive

    (and it doesn't hurt that DS9 is awesome.)

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  102. Dear effingdykes. Can you take all this info and make a follow up post!
    Congrats on groupon, I literally laugh out loud when I read that marketing copy. I am so glad you have found a calling that you LOVE. It's the freaking point of life isn't it. Happy V-day.

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  103. This is my new very favorite web site in the whole world. You are better than google.
    ps: I smirk.

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  104. I also definetly do the STALKSTALKSTALK followed up with a "act totally cool, who are you?" thing lol

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  105. I basically turn into a 12-year-old boy. Super-smooth techniques I have attempted:
    -Throwing pillows at crush while she is doing work stuff on her Blackberry
    -Obsessively emailing crush over a simple coffeeshop meeting, only to have her get the date wrong and ditch me
    -Sleeping over at crush's house too soon, before she has time to like me despite the fact that I snore when I fall asleep drunk
    -Writing, re-writing, re-re-writing, and re-re-re-writing of notes that I end up to afraid to deliver
    -Giggling and finding an excuse to run away, thus ruining a moment where crush and I obviously could have made out

    But for the next big crush, I'm finally going to be the totally suave guy I know lives deep within my little dykefag bones. I can just feel it!

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  106. yesterday this super cute girl in one of my classes said hi to me. instead of saying hi back, i just waved my hands at her.
    like spirit fingers.
    like in bring it on.
    fail.

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  107. I am the worst at this. And I lack gaydar, utterly. And also the willingness to leave the house.

    But honestly.....the best thing I have ever done to clarify all of this is mention nonchalantly/in passing "I have a huge crush on you."

    Literally.

    Example: "Oh my roommate was laughing at me because I thought it was such a secret that I have a crush on you." Mating occurred for several years thereafter.

    Alternate example: "You have a crush on me." Poof. There it was. Magically, like I commanded it.

    If you say it, so shall it be.

    I wish I could remember those stellar moments of ego while I'm being all shy.

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  108. Much as I adore posts based on ladylovings, (and that IS what this blog is supposed to be about after all) I want another bun-based post! can't get over the adorableness of bunnies snuggled-up together. plz halp!

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  109. Im a daring Scorpio, so going in for the kill is not something Im afraid of. Granted I can get nervous.

    But generally allowing yourself to imagine every woman is available to you; gay, straight, curious, whatever really helps make things less intimidating. I find staying in the realm of "gay and bi" is suffocating because it all seems "we know each other" haha. So branching out helps, even if its for a fling or one night stand. Kissing Jessica Stein? Yeah "You'll get access to all the bicurious straight girls" is a plus haha.

    The worst someone can say is no, and if you approach with tact such as general conversation, study body language, flirt a little make them laugh, girls are not as scary as they seem.

    It helps if your attractive yourself, that way it makes things less awkward when you go for a super attractive person or even someone you never thought who would be into you chances are, they will be. End result = You have a better response of flattery.

    Also, sometimes you have to let things sit with women, like they may deny you the first time or a few times but if you let them know it doesnt bother you and you can still be friends, sometimes things develop. Its all a matter of time before those crushes become reality...most of the time. ; )

    Happy Crushing Darlings!

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  110. i will make the first move but if and only if there is confirmed reciprocation. this is how i got my last few partners: the mutual interest. the mutual shyness. and finally, the wingman. sometimes it goes on for months.

    my best line--delivered to someone who was trying to quit smoking-- was: "well, let me know if you ever need something to do with your mouth..."

    at this moment i'm composing a script to follow when i call my current crush, so i don't freeze up. i'm debating texting, but i'd rather just get it over with. nerves. eeek.

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  111. i don't capitalize i. online. you're pretty hilarious. new to your blog. ill be back.

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  112. Over 1,000,000 hits! This calls for a celebration.

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  113. I didn't read the comments because I thought it might skew my thoughts. I'm not a gold star, simply because I didn't realize that I had options. Today I have a girlfriend, But I can recognize that moment when two lesbians recognize one another. That is amazing. and it can be a fast and slippery ride to a Uhaul. I've met lesbians before and I have to admit the fact that I'm more comfortable with them than I am with most of the general population, is very telling.:)

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  114. Yay for Groupon taking you on!

    Icicle & Mayhem, my kind of ladies! I love the anonymous who responded to "hi" with spirit fingers, hilarious. I haven't hit on a woman (or man, I'm bi) for quite some time. I do have crushes though and an immediate need to act upon them and find a nice girl pub to call my own. I don't get tongue-tied, but I do act a little too serious, my flirtatiousness, smile, and laughter get uptight. I don't know why! Some of the aforementioned Jack Daniel's or grass would help with breaking the ice. I also think starting off as friends is the best way, because then you are more comfortable and touching doesn't seem awkward; plus you've got insider knowledge on what they like and if they are straight, curved, or bent. I don't know where to start if you're just looking for a good time. I've spent a large portion of my life in committed relationships and feel lost when it comes to pulling women. Men are easy. Women are more challenging. Cleavage works on both though. Hell, cleavage even works on gay guys. Boobs ftw!

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  115. for me, it depends on the situation and the way i am attracted to the girl.

    if it's strictly sexual and i wanna fuck her brains out, i usually just tell her upfront, knowing she's gay of course. even if she's a stranger.
    something about her eyes, her hair, how i can see her pelvic bones and how sexy they look atop the lining of her boxers...sigh.
    i've found that this works more often than not.

    i've also heard that there's something about the way i approach women in general that's hypnotizing or some shit. i don't see it.

    anyways...
    if it in the sort of 'heyyou'relikesofuckingadorableandi'dlovenothingmorethantowrapmyarmsaroundyouandcallyoumineforever' way, i get really shy.
    me, shy? i know right.
    hah.
    no. i get shy as hell around thoooose kinds of girls. i turn into a stalker of sorts, as i've seen a lot of people tend to do.

    i watch her when i assume she isn't looking. i memorize her moves, her eyes, the way her lips curve at the side when she smiles, yet not complete smile...how she breathes, what she eats, how she acts...

    i get to know her on the most intimate level and that's when someone thinks you're not watching them.
    i don't stand outside her house in shrubbery with binoculars and peek through the window with a beer in one hand and dirty thoughts in my mind though, not that i wouldn't mind taking that approach ;] jk.

    eh, that's just me though.

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  116. Queers = Awkward so in my head just work it. When I like someone I make a lot of eye contact (so important), smile, I joke around and tease a little, in an awkward uncensored kinda way (totally works in my favor) If you're not confident, fuck it, fake it, own it, let the awkwardness happen, work it, maybe even talk about it, like " oh you make me a little nervous (insert smile and subtle eye contact, important) If someone knows they make you nervous it's a good way to let someone know you like them without really stating it. Also always leave the conversation on a high note, after you both laugh really hard or you flash the prefect sweet smile, because its better to leave wanting more then feeling like your just pulling shit out of your ass to say, (bad kinda awkward) cause there is nothing worse then leaving thinking "oh that would have been soo good if I just would have stopped talking before I started listing what kind of mullets are expectable," Thats how I roll, life's to short and making out is to much fun.

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  117. What Can We Do to Help Them? This afternoon I read the news via the internet. I was Surprised by the news That 'there is, an earthquake Happens again on this earth. 6.3 earthquake with the strength ritcher Destroyed scale has most of the city in New Zealand. I cans not do much, We all cans only pray for all the quick passes and They get the help and assistance Immediately. hopefully the Victims to be patient.
    I attach news of the earthquake today, the which I quote from the CNN media. http://healthylifeandfitness.com/?p=1046

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  118. Stalking. Oh it works. I got the girl. Five years together now. She still tells me it was creepy though. I was not even creepy about it. She happend to have classes right next to mine it only made the stalking easier.

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  119. This blog post made me laugh out loud in the sincerest way. You have a gift for humorous writing. Brings back so many awkward memories of my youth. I'm 42 now, and blessedly happy in a great relationship with someone better than I deserve (and a pesky kid too). No matter what kind of goofy, dumb, awkward, inappropriate moments we have when we're young, eventually we all find a girl that will look past all that and meet us back eye to eye, heart to heart with the same attraction we have for them. Reflecting back on years of dating, the ones worth keeping were the few that unfolded the most naturally, without all the stress and craziness.

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  120. Suddenly moving up from my usual spot in the back of the lecture hall to two seats over from her (right next would be too close) up on the very front row. Reading her name on the daily attendance sheet we pass around. Stalking her on Facebook in the library, then turning around and realising she's sitting right behind me, then awkwardly trying to get back to my own profile page. When she offers to share gum in class one day, literally freaking out about it and then replying awkwardly "I can't chew gum. I have jaw problems." Being disappointed when we aren't assigned to the same group projects. Knowing which way she walks to her next class every day and making sure I'm within sight and looking especially mysterious...

    Sad thing is, I can't tell if I actually like her (she IS incredibly cute with lots of tattoos and piercings, my type...)or if I want to be friends with someone else who is gay... who was best friends with my ex who I'm not on good terms with. And the even weirder part is? She and I used to be Facebook friends. She added me when she saw my ex and I were mutual friends. Then deleted me after the breakup, probably because she didn't actually know who I was. My ex and her are also not on speaking terms anymore, but I constantly worry about what horrible things were said about me back then and whether or not Hot Girl from my Women's Lit class has made the associations yet. I transferred here from another school when my ex left and the coast was clear... just a really weird situation.

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  121. how do you know if a girl likes you?
    let's face it people.
    there are VERY few gay women in the world.
    Most cute/beautiful girl are going to be 100% straight, buut if you're lucky you'll stumble across a slightly curious, totally bisexual, or completely gay woman.
    In this case-I honestly have found that it is easy to tell if they're interested. Because most girls who are gay Realize that there are not many others, and have to be Somewhat forward or you will NEVER even have the chance to be in a lesbian relationship. And after having been in a few,
    it is WORTH the possible humiliation,
    because dating girls is incredibly wonderful.
    Forget the silent stalking and freaking go for it. If you're wrong, all you've done is given that girl a major self-esteem boost, and let's face it-women all over the world could use that.

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  122. Ugh... When I like someone, I get really, really awkward. But I try to act so cool around them!

    For example, I have a huge crush on a girl I work with. I know she's a lesbian, but she is SO out of my league, and I am SO not her type.
    BUT. I swear, I am in love with her. Whenever I have to work with her on a specific project, I do my best work, hoping she'll notice. I stay late, skip breaks, anything. I make EXTRA coffee trips, just so I can offer to buy her some. I go to restaurants I don't like, just so I can eat with her (and casually pay for her lunch, for whatever reason I can think of).
    I walk past her desk just so I can smile at her. I laugh at EVERYTHING she says!

    And yet, I cannot tell if she likes me, or if she is just an extraordinarily nice person. (Which she is)

    It's been like this for a year now! I am going insane!!!!

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  123. www.muskegoncivictheatre.org is using your Joseph picture

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  124. :| I went into this cafe called tiger tiger the other day and the most beautiful girl works there (the only reason I go in there really) so my friend kate and rose were with me and they are OBVIOUS lesbians.
    I got a MASSIVE mayo and salad sandwhich and when she came to get the plate she commented that I had mayo allll over my face, instead of wiping it off and being suave I said "yeahh but tell me your not in LOVE with me after seeing that success (refering to eating the whooollleee sandwhich)" she stared at me for a little bit, I think she was in shock and sorta mumbled something and picked up the cups, me being the IDIOT that I am couldnt just leave it there and die in silence almost shouted at her just before she left "YEAHH I KNOW HOW TO PULL THE BITCHES!!!" she then stared at me a little more, no giggle, not even a little one and walked away, it makes it all that much worse that I'm 5ft nothing with green hair.

    I later found out she quit later that day :S
    kate and rose make me practise on them what I say before I hit on pretty girls now "|:|

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  125. I thought vagetarian was my creation. I was feeling so clever.

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  126. cute. funny, nerdy pick up lines.. works for me.
    you see a girl wearing buttons on her shirt, " hey i like your buttons. can i push them? " and then, push.
    " know what i'm craving for lunch? .. you look really good to me. " followed by devilish smile.
    "got an overdue library books? .cuz you got FINE written all over you."
    and its all about the execution.. like we both know i'm being cheesy. and they laugh all the time. pretty girls love feeling wanted, compilments and humor. win win. i've gotten every girl i've talked to. :) good luck ladies.

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  127. Omg I'm in a situation like this right now. And I do the EXACT same things as you, unfortunately. Staring. Acting cool. Do nothing.
    So thank you. I consider myself warned. And hereby promise to look her up at her work next week, and talk to her...instead of hoping to no end that she will understand my crush on her, because I send her powerful connecting thoughts...

    Time for some action! ^-^

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  128. First and foremost, I didn't develop game until this past summer. It took a lot of going to clubs and drinking (not heavily) to get over my nerves. And the way I go about things not sober (usually at clubs) is such:

    1. Try to make eye contact if she is looking at you, and smile. No one wants someone who looks mean or unapproachable staring at them.

    2. Ask to buy a drink or dance. (Both are good. and I honestly NEVER danced until this past summer, and I just turned 22 and it's funny to get compliments from girls about my dancing so don't be shy!)

    3a. If you buy her a drink, make sure you have enough $ first. I made this mistake and missed out on prob a very cool conversation with a really really hot girl. Try to talk and ask questions. Girls love being asked questions. And don't be like "DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX AFTER THIS?" be a little less forward and make sure you obtain the following information:
    -Name
    -Phone number/other means of actually contacting her
    You don't have to go up and be like A/S/L, but be like hey can I buy you a drink (after she says yes), So what's your name?, then before the conversation ends get her number/contact info. You don't want that to be the 2nd thing that comes out of your mouth. You want to prove yourself worthy of obtaining such information.

    3b. If you're dancing then good god I hope you have rhythm. It may take a few times but keep at it. And if you dance well enough for her likings and she seems focused on you (this is a good thing!) you can try to lean in for a kiss if that's your thing (or you can leave her wanting to do that another time or something)

    --------------
    This is the sober way I go about things:

    1. Try to make eye contact.
    2. I usually blush and get a kind of shy smirk on my face and look at my feet or the floor, return for eye contact and try to not lose my train of thought....
    3. Try to find ways to place myself near them by seeing what they're doing and trying to relate if possible.
    4. Try to make them laugh and try to give compliments when appropriate.
    5. Remember a few things (as mentioned above):
    -Girls like being asked questions (but not in an interrogation style)
    -Smile!
    -Try to make eye contact but don't get into a staring contest
    -Don't stalk.

    I do believe it is important to find out whether or not they are available, but I personally don't want to be a home wrecker so that is just me. But I try to play my strengths of being a nerd and being generally boyish looking and playing off that.

    Hope that helps.
    Shameless plug for my blog: relentlessness.tumblr.com

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  129. It appears that I have pretty decent game, yet not at the same time.
    I smile, talk, and just converse with them. Depending on the person, it can be quite cute-awkward, or bad-awkward.

    I've had girls where I'm quite smooth, and get numbers and/or makeouts, and others, where it's like bloody pulling teeth.

    My approach tends to be:
    1) Smile, talk to her, wether it's small talk or in-depth conversation.

    2) Judge from her body language (the shoulder touch is a great one,) wether or not she's into me. Usually the hand on the lower back, to excuse myself, buy her a drink at the bar or something akin to that, works well to express interest.

    3) If she seems into it, I ask for her number/tell her I'd like to hang out.

    4) I generally clam up at making the first move, but I joke about being terrible at it. Generally gives them impetus to do it. Occasionally it's just a mutual buildup.

    I've been known to facebook creep, but I try not to, as it gets rather awkward, and I like to learn about the person from themselves. Generally a quick facebook stalk to determine if they're into ladies or not. Occasionally I have to kick myself for not asking for her number, but c'est la vie.

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  130. PS: Wear something cool and unique/have a sweet haircut, as then they have an opening to compliment you on it, and strike up conversation. It's how I do it, and I've had girls hit on me that way too.

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  131. How about just be yourself? It works for me to do approach hot girl I am crushin' on in the exact way I would like her to approach me. Keep it simple and go for what you want. Life is short ladies - drama and insecurity really is a waste of time.

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  132. Lessee...

    As soon as I start crushin' whenever I am around them I compose extremely clever/poetic/honest statements which I go over constantly in my head. While my head is thus indisposed I act as non-emotional as possible, devolving into blank stares whenever they say something remotely flirtatious. Any excuse I have to look at them, I get really distracted by their features/lips and feel embarrassed.

    While I'm not near them I devolve into a jellied mess and goop emotion all over my (poor, patient) friends who console me and tell me to grow a god damn clitoris.

    I then make every excuse to be near them, but shy away from all physical contact so as to avoid seeming creepy/too touchy. (Study spots? I am all there. You are getting food in the dining hall? Oh! Looks like it is time for some water... all in the name of having a very brief conversation/ sharing a smile).

    Then we get drunk, make out at a party and I revert to even more awkward non-reactioning forever, even after being told by our mutual friends (or even them) that my feelings are reciprocated.

    Sometimes I will be super flirty until I realize what I am doing and revert to having no game. We might dance at parties, but I will be too busy analyzing and second guessing social cues to actually follow any of said social clues.

    The being around them a lot/ having real conversations/ being a generally kind person seems to work, but then I get paranoid that I have been making everything up and clam up again.

    So if I am super flirty and then stare blankly when you flirt back, I am probably impossibly crushing on you. If I am avoiding your gaze and being obviously awkward and silent (or filling every silence with inane chatter), that is also a good hint.

    Note: I've also been on the receiving end of uncomfortably too many texts and then a really awful (for me) overassumption of my interests. Asking permission is really god damn hot and adorable and important. Seer-yus-lee.

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  133. I tell her that I have a crush on her, like it is the most usual thing in the world. Then I change the subject. An intense eye contact included, too. It is usually enough.

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  134. Oh my god... These posts make me feel better. Because... When I see my crush, I tense up and turn bright red. When we talk I can't keep eye contact because I turn red and I chew on my lip and apparently make a really worried face. Really. I giggle and make awful jokes, I play with my hair, I accidentally stare at her boobs. Accidents! I usually don't stare at my crushes from afar though. I glance at them a lot, usually freaking out if they're lookin at me.

    It's embarrassing as hell but if some girls like that I guess that's awesome. I'm so obvious, though. Especially because I always like people who are older than me and are like "awww, it's so cute you just tripped!"

    I usually just facebookstalk to see if we have things in common. If I recognize a band or something I'll start listening to them more.

    Oh god plz help me gaywads.

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  135. I usually talk a lot, keeping her interested in all kinds of bullshit that is in my head at that time. I'm trying to make her laugh at any situation. I forget how crazy I am about her and then I can act perfectly normal. No, quite charming. It's no skill. It's just ability to forget everything exept her. And she feels my whole attention.
    And it works. Every time.

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  136. I just discovered this blog and I love it!
    I'm such a loser when it comes to flirting with girls. There is this woman at work and I've developed a crush on her. First I noticed that she was always making eyecontact with me when she saw me. Even from far away. So one day I hadn't seen her all day. I looked up and saw her lookin at me, so I gave her the gayest look ever. Seriously it must have been written all over my face how I felt. I made eye contact,then gave her the sweetest smile ever A -Im so happy to see you smile- and a lil nod. Then she smiled back at me and I just couldn't take it anymore and looked away while smiling. (I'm so shy I hate is sometimes).
    Everytime when we used to see eachother we would say Hi. But the next day when I saw her in the morning again and I totally just froze and ignored her and didn't say anything when I saw her.(I'm such a wuss).
    Then this one time we were in the elivator together and I was just so damn nervous that I couldn't even look at her!!! I know its pathetic! Who does that!
    So now I don't really see her as much as I used to. She must think I'm this weird chick that doesn't like her.

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  137. I'm notorious for being as nice as possible, making stupid attempts at jokes and laughing nervously whenever I'm around a girl I like. I always try to escort her wherever she's going (i.e. car, next class, etc.) and open every door along the way.

    But if it's a girl whom I haven't yet started talking with, I stare at her every time she's visible and make any and every excuse to be near her and attempt conversation.

    OH! And I always always always facestalk people. Facebook is my best friend whenever I meet a new girl. I take facestalking to the extreme, studying their interests/pictures and even their main friends' profiles.

    I flirt like crazy no matter what, but it gets worse when/if I think she likes me back. I almost always will ask girls to hang out, even if I only make tentative plans (because I'm really only testing the waters to see if she would be down to see me again).

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  138. So.. I don't stalk people on the internet but I do have that intense stare when they're right in front of me or glance at them a lot. So if you feel a hole burning into your skull, look around because I'm crushing on you.

    I do flirt with guys a bit, but never really tell them how I feel.
    I DON'T flirt with girls because it feels a little weird and I'm a total wuss. (Raised Asian-ly.)

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  139. Lady of Guadelupe and Virgin Mary are one in the same
    Obvi covering that base twice payed off
    Also I hate myself for being the nit-picky asshat who needed
    NEEDED
    to point that out
    I spent two years pretending to be straight and Catholic and I'll be damned if I don't put some of that crazy to use cuz I joined a cult and I got the Catholic knick-knacky shit to prove it
    I see your miraculous medal and raise you five prayer cards, three rosaries and a crucifix

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