Had a rough week, have you?
I know I have.
All you have to do is say "bumfuck" and a horde of furious lesbians will email you to tell you how disgusting that is and how you can die from playing with the bacteria down there didyouknowthat??? and how offended they are that you even wrote about anal sex and then another set of lesbians send you letters that wax poetic about the pleasures of the derrière and urge you to open yourself to the mystical vibrations of the ass.
I wasn't hatin' on anal sex. I just don't like it, and I wanted to know where other lesbians stand on the issue, 'cause I'd never dated anybody who was really into it.
But does it really matter? 'Cause...
OMFG it's time for a
POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!!!
Let's play Who's the Gay?
Scenario #1: Ada, age 34.
Ada wears: a snowboarding jacket, skinny jeans, Puma sneakers, a men's ribbed tank top under a plaid flannel shirt, and a very ugly winter hat with "cute" bear ears on it. She always orders a beer and sits at the bar. Sometimes her friends come in.
You get weak in the knees when she signals for another round.
Using only what we see here, should we ask Ada out?
-----------------------------Scenario #2: Gina, age 22.
Gina has: short brown hair, a few tattoos, and wears skinny jeans, ribbed men's tank tops (the kind that come in a 6-pack), a ruffly plaid shirt, one of those saggy knitted sock hats, and more eyeliner than Cleopatra. She rolls her eyes a lot, giggles, and has been seen swatting female coworkers' rear ends on more than one occasion.
Omigod, here she comes!
Using only what we see here, should we ask Gina out?
Scenario #3: Salima, age 28.
Salima has: long black hair, no visible tattoos or piercings, and a lot of gold rings. She seems to be one of those people with a sort of daily uniform - she's constantly wearing skinny black jeans or leggings (often paint-spattered), paint-splotched men's ribbed tank tops (usually ripped), and some kind of dark plaid flannel shirt, also with paint drippings, open over the top. Salima's a vegan, interrupts everyone, and has been known to listen to Enya while sawing wood for backdrops.
Salima is amazingly hot, and you always see her around.
Using only what we see here, should we ask Salima out?
Hand your papers forward.
I sincerely hope you all did well, as this counts as 100% of this week's grade.
Scenario #1: Ada.
March right up to Ada and ask. her. out.
Do it now, before anyone else notices how cute she is.
Do it now, before anyone else notices how cute she is.
Ada is likely gay, and here's why:
1) Do you tricks have any idea how many dykes work in healthcare?
2) Ignore everything else, look at that plaid flannel shirt!
Might as well be wearing a shirt that says "I like to fingerbang."
The plaid shirt.
Forget every other detail you see on a girl, if there's plaid happening, it's time to take a second look.
Scenario #2: Gina
Christ almighty. We would NOT ask Gina out, we would never ask Gina out, never in a million years.
Gina is giving off teh straight in waves, and here's a couple of reasons why:
1) She's swatting her female coworkers on the ass.
Were Gina actually gay, she would likely avoid doing funny shit like that in her workplace, even if she was comfortable with her sexuality, because that can get read wrong, even by friends.
2) that plaid shirt is ruffled.
Scenario #3: Salima.
We would NOT ask Salima out.
Salima is...someone who needs more gaydar evidence-gathering.
She is a vegan who builds shit in a college theater department, and she is wearing a plaid men's shirt, but that's her work uniform.
Salima's plaid shirt is her ok-to-get-stains-on-it shirt.
It makes all the difference.
We must reserve judgement.
All three women were wearing a plaid shirt!
Deep breaths, homos.
Let's talk plaid.
Lesbians have always loved plaid.
|[via Butch-Femme Couples by Kristin Kurzawa]|
When the first lesbian opened her eyes on the first morning of the dawn of the world, she put on a plaid shirt and walked to the first co-op, where the cute cashier promptly hit on her. They were fruitful and multiplied, and that's where baby dykes come from.
We, as a people, are irresistibly drawn to plaid. We can't help it. It's in our genetic makeup.
Workshirts, farm shirts, sensible cotton buttondowns, cute little hoodies - plaid fits the bill for everything dykes like.
What's that? Everyone wears plaid because plaid's in right now?
You're right. Everyone does wear plaid.
Every year, riiiight around September, designers do "warm tones" in their fashion shows, which, in turn, always, always involve models stomping down the runways wearing plaid.
The world loves plaid in the fall.
It makes us instantly want to buy new packs of pens and fresh notebooks.
But! The straights and the gays wear plaid in different ways.
Lucky, Vogue, Cosmo, and Elle tell straight women to "feminize" plaid, and then showcase lots of "girly" shirts.
You know: Ooh, a masculine plaid tunic with a row of delicate lace.
Ohhhh, a plaid buttondown with ruffles. Aren't we borrowing from the boys now.
Eventually the plaid trend trickles down to Target and falls apart in the first wash.
Now, gay girls wear plaid like they've always worn plaid:
no frilly shit.
Real-ass plaid shirts, and usually flannel to boot.
Open or closed.
Femmes wear them when they're butching it up a little.
We all wear plaid! And - unfortunately for our 2011 resolutions for more sex - plaid is trendy right now.
So how do we tell the difference between hipster girls and girls that might go down on us?
Well, straight-girl plaid has: ruffles, lace, weird dangly parts, any kind of back-tie that "nips in the waist", a lot of pink, and/or is usually worn in conjuction with other I-swear-to-god-I-have-ladybits accessories, like long necklaces/hairbows/cute shit.
Do you know why that is? Why straight girls accessorize the hell out of plaid when they wear it?
Because deep down in their souls, they know:
Plaid is strong.
Plaid is tough.
Plaid is...a lil' dyke-y.
Gay girl plaid: looks like it came from either your dad's closet or Fleet Farm.
I am not saying that any girl wearing a non-frilly plaid shirt is a lesbian.
Fuckno. The world's population would die off in one generation if that were the case, judging from the windows at Urban Outfitters.
But plaid has always figured heavily into gay women's wardrobes, and if you see a cute-ass woman sauntering down the street in her grandpa's old plaid, it's worth closer inspection.
Don't you think?