Oh I said it.
It's day 10 of the new year, and even though I usually mock those who make resolutions...I did make a couple of changes.
Totally not resolutions.
Anyway! I signed up for hot yoga.
Because I love any activity that involves a whole separate wardrobe.
AND, YOU GUYS: I got a colonic.
Colon hydrotherapy, if we're eating finger sandwiches.
Hole-eee-sheee-it, have you ever had one?
Jesus H. Christ.
Go get one.
Briefly: a colonic is when an extremely personable girl named Meghan, who is exactly your age, tells you to strip naked, put on a plush robe, and wait for her in a dim "spa-like" room.
The room has a table and some glow-y equipment.
Meghan comes back, shows you a smooth white plastic wand that looks like Baby's 1st Dildo, and tells you that she's going to stick it in your ass and fill your "cavity" (I am not kidding, that's what she said) with tepid water.
Gently, like the tears from a shy baby dove, the water will trickle in, causing you to feel like you're going to shit yourself.
|(by Lucía Cabrera)|
When you can no longer stand it, you tell Meghan, and she pushes a valve that releases the water back into the tube, back out of your ass, and through a PICTURE WINDOW, so you can see what's coming out.
|. (by vera.)|
During a colonic, you repeat this process 3 - 6 times.
Until Meghan is satisfied that she's pulled out as much old "material" from your colon as she can.
Oh, and while the tube is in your butt, Meghan is "massaging" your abdomen.
The aim of a colonic is to remove the toxic, built-up fecal material your body is storing.
*Fun Fact!* When Elvis Presley had an autopsy, they found his colon stretched to three times its normal size and jam-packed with fecal material.
Sarah got a colonic and was raving about it, so I wanted one, too.
It ended up being gross and fun and totally worth it.
It flattens your belly and makes you feel radiant.
Your cheeks glow and suddenly your skinny jeans fit and you have also then survived a strange young woman touching your anus and cracking "wasteland" jokes.
Btw, Meghan, who is very pretty and has long shiny dark hair, got into colon hydrotherapy because she "was an English major and couldn't think what to do next."
Now she loves her job. I asked her a thousand questions, first and foremost being
Me: Is giving a colonic to guys super-gross? 'Cause most of the guys I know live off hamburgers.
Meghan: Um, well...yes and no. Not really gross for me because you would not believe some of the things I see here. And yes because men usually have more "material" in their colons.
Me: And men have hairy asses.
Meghan: Yes. Yes they do.
Great experience. But really a weird day.
I don't even let CJ touch my ass.
I'm not. into. it.
I know it's the 21st century and liking anal is cool and that the anus is a nerve-wonderland of sexual pleasure and whatnot and I'm totally missing out on lots of extra fun...but I'm ass-shy.
Like a straight man who thinks getting a colonic will turn him gay (Meghan says men have actually worried aloud about that), I fear that something terrible will happen if I let anyone go near my butt.
But that stopped immediately.
As soon as the first "ow" left my lips.
Homos, I know what you're going to say.
You're going to say:
1) You weren't using enough lube.
2) You weren't going slow enough.
3) You need to relax.
No. Fuck that.
We used lube. We went slow. I was relaxed.
That shit hurt.
Two days later, I'm at the free clinic, with something I WOULD NEVER WISH UPON YOU EVER, EVEN IF I HATED YOU: anal fissures.
And ever since then, I've been anti-ass.
Been treating my heinie like it was a delicate spun-glass angel, in the hopes that I would never bleed in such a scary way, ever again.
Now, I've only ever dated a few girls who were open about being into anal.
Of those, they all looked at me pityingly and said they could live without it when I started wringing my hands like a 9-year-old on a playground, going, "Eww! EWWWW!"
Most lesbians I've dated have been as anti-ass as I am.
Didn't want anything to do with the keister.
Like my ass was Aragog's web in the Forbidden Forest, and Hagrid couldn't go there anymore after Aragog died for fear of being attacked.
But it's weird, because, as queers, we're usually at the forefront of sexual exploration.
We're into pushing boundaries.
We like bondage and role-play and polyamory and gender-bending and cross-dressing and we could do all those things on any given Tuesday afternoon, with or without cocktails.
We're gay! Every time we do it, the straight world thinks we're having 'unnatural' relations!
So why don't I know many dykes that like anal?
Is it that we somehow associate liking anal sex with evil straight frat boys who want girls to get drunk and take it up the ass?
The gay boys like it.
The straights seem to like it. I have straight girl friends who tell me they "love anal." For a long time, I pitied them for being brainwashed by Cosmo and figured they were lying, but their boyfriends' staunch refusals to break up with them tells a different tale.
Why don't I know many dykes that like it?
Is everybody lying?
Am I just hanging around with the wrong mos?
There's an awfully big section of ass-toys at the woman-owned/woman-friendly sex toy store...
Lesbians: do you hang out down there?