Monday, January 31, 2011

Two of a Kind

[via stingslikeabee]
Hiya, pearl divers!

The end of January fast approacheth.  
I'm so relieved.

January is my least favorite month.  
[via womenreading]
It's still winter, but Christmas is over. 

Before Christmas, when it snows, I go, "oh isn't this magical" and hum Carol of the Bells to myself and re-read The Dark Is Rising and think about the delicious, slightly creepy magic of the holidays, especially as portrayed in English movies where there's a boys' choir making wispy "ahhhh" noises in the background while snow settles on thatched cottages.

After Christmas, I go, "look at all this fucking slush" and spend time locked in a bathroom stall at work, furiously rubbing the salt stains off my boots using spit and wadded up, greyish toilet paper. 

Then I go home, run a hot bath, put on woolly socks, burrow under my blankets, and refuse to move.
 (by Ignacio Dansilio)

There are no fun holidays in January. 
The gym is always packed. 

And Chicago is mysteriously unorganized - they have no snow system. 

Unlike civilized villages, such as Minneapolis, there are no laws in Chicago about everybody having to shovel the part of the sidewalk that lies in front of their houses.
Nobody shovels, so the snow packs down, freezes, and turns to a thick, bumpy layer of ice.

And so you fall down a lot. 

In the grey dawn, silent Ukrainian men stand in their doorways, smoking, and watch you pick yourself up from the pavement, studying your ripped tights with cold appraisal.

January is not even close to spring and it's an extra long month, just for spite.

'Cause February is the winter turning point - it brings Valentine's Day and my birthday and only has 28 days and therefore isn't really even a month at all, and March is the light at the end of the tunnel, when you sniff the air hopefully and think that maybe it's warm enough today so you don't have to wear your hat. 

April is spring, and spring means the start of scooter season, which means you officially don't have to get on a bus for half a year.
So fuck January. I'm so glad it's almost over.

But you know what? 
There is something to celebrate in January. There is!

Effing Dykes is TWO YEARS OLD!!! 

Two whole years of talking about lesbians! 
And instead of becoming bored by the subject matter, the obsession has only, um, grown.
[via hellogirls]
Like the many-headed Hydra monster, who sprouts hundreds of new heads every time you hack one off...the more dyke-specific topics we tackle, the more crop up.

D'youknow, when this mess got started, I actually worried about running out of stuff to talk about?

That's like entering a cake-eating contest and worrying you might not place.

Anyway! Because being two years old means you can finally eat solid food, CJ and I decided to celebrate by going out for brunch at the Longman Eagle. (Now I know that sounds like a leather bar, you dirty slags, but it's not.  The Longman Eagle is one of my favorite restaurants in Chicago.  Lots of lesbians eat brunch there, and the chef has his priorities in order - he worships at the shrine of local pork belly.)

As we were getting ready to leave for the restaurant, I noticed that CJ was wearing a bright red shirt.  
Now, that would ordinarily be fine, but...

I was wearing a bright red dress.  


I stood in the bathroom door.

Me:  Hey. We're both wearing red.

CJ:  (grabbing keys) Ha, yep.  Ready?  Got your phone?

Me: You have to change.

CJ: (pulling on boots) Baby, who cares.

Me: I'm wearing red.

CJ: Well, I am, too.  Deal.

Me: No. I got dressed first. That's the rule. You have to change.  

(zipping up coat) Who. Cares.  We're already late.

Me: We can't be those lesbians!  Hold on, I hafta change.

(shouting down the hall) Baby, no one will even notice! It's already 11!

Me: I just need two minutes!

Homos, while being a lesbian is the greatest and best thing ever because you get to date other women and see what their boobs are like and have bathroom sinks free of stubble-hair-dust and never deal with penises, ever...

there are a few things about being a lesbian that still scare the bejezus out of me.  

One of those things is Lesbian Bed Death.  We've talked about this.

But there's more than one nightmare out there, tricks.

And this one's called The Merge.
[via peachtree]
In the comments from last week, someone wrote in and said we should talk about The Merge, and I've been thinking about it ever since. 

In light of this morning's lil' incident, it's become patently clear that this issue needs to be addressed.
[via iloveyousew]
Avoiding The Merge is habit at this point - so much a part of my daily routine that it's like brushing my teeth. I never even thought of discussing it.

Q: But what is The Merge?

A: I'm so glad you asked!
You already know what The Merge is.  You've seen it. 

The Merge is when two romantically involved lesbians suddenly start to look like one lesbian. 

You know what I'm talking about.
You see them everywhere. 

Dykes - about the same height, usually about the same body type- who slept together last night, then got up, put on jeans, a button-down shirt, a black North Face fleece jacket, and went to breakfast.

Both of them.

They didn't mean to do it, but they're dressed the same. 

They look like one another.  A lot like one another.
[via fuckyeahboysunderwear]
So much so, that, if seen from the back, it miiiiiiight be difficult for someone to tell them apart.

The Merge.

Half urban myth, half gayass truth.
It's so common among gayelles that we joke about it. 

Ew, you match!

Um, did you guys plan that?

Do you know that you're wearing the same outfit, just different colors?

Ha ha, you guys are twins. 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  It scares me to death. 

I mean, I get why it happens.
Your girlfriend is adorable.
She looks great in those skinny jeans.

You've never tried a pair, but guys are about the same size...
[via kikicube]
Cripes.  It's a slippery slope, sluts.
One day, you're throwing on your girlfriend's pajama pants to go let the dog out, and the next day, it's 15 years later and you both have matching bowl haircuts and Tevas on your Alaskan whale-watching cruise.
[via crooksandqueens]
To be fair: the straights are guilty, too. 
You know, those weird couples in identical windpants with their matching Cubs hats (except hers is pink, 'cause girls can totally like sports, but only if they're feminized!), jogging along with their fucking chocolate lab.

And gay boys do it as well - you see them walking, hand in hand, in the Castro, wearing tight white t-shirts and matching leather jackets, oblivious to anything but how fierce they both look since they've been working out.

But gay girls are the most guilty, and I'm not sure why.
[via julyshewillfly]
It's always creepy. 

I always picture two dykes holding up mirrors to one another before they leave the house, going:
"You're hot."  
"No, you're hot."  
"Gawd we turn ourselves on."
[via whatifpunkneverhappened]
Let's cut ourselves a little slack, though. 

We're girls.  

We all went to middle school.  

We all know the best way to form a little special club all our own and make other people feel weird is to privately decide on a specific thing to wear and bond with each other through the fact that we are excluding everybody else by wearing it.

Women copy one another. 
When they're 12.

It's like what your mom told you:  Flattery's the best compliment, a.k.a. if Jenny Verhaugh is copying you, it's because you are rocking the hell out of that side ponytail.

Too bad it's horrifying when you grow up. 
[via venuslacy]
The Merge breeds stories.  
Bring 'em.


  1. we call that being a "mysexual."

    also, don't EVER order the sloppy joe from longman eagle. it's disgusting.

  2. I have no experience with this, except to laugh so loud I almost woke my children up and they're in the next room.

    But there's a straight neighbor couple that's like this. I can't tell 'em apart. I'd guess they've been married fifty years, and they just at some point decided on a joint uniform and haircut and went with it.

    I think they're kinda cute. Ha.

    Now the people who know what they're talking about can weigh in.

  3. we call them "clone fuckers" :)

  4. Honestly... I can't say I hate the idea of having a girlfriend who is also my size/femme so that the double wardrobe thing is going on. Isn't this one of the perks of being gay? :) No thoughts on wearing matching (or shall we say, color-coordinated) outfits, really, but it doesn't repel me.

  5. Not worried about that too much. My lady and I have very different body types and coloring and complimentary, but not identical style.

  6. clonefucking!
    however january is AWESOME. it's my birthday and this year i got the dita von teese flip-book set so i have three separate flip-books of her getting naked.

  7. I've got two straight best friends who have merged so gradually its been almost undetectable. One dyed her hair brown with the same cut, and the other bought identical tortoiseshell glasses. Very weird.

  8. Ahh, the identidyke. My gf and I have a similar everyday style, but have completely different hair styles, skin colouring, and body types, so I'm not too worried about being cloned yet. We have acquaintances who wear very similar outfits right down to their footwear, watches, and sunglasses. Similar hair,'s all very creepy.

  9. #1 My bigUScity HAS laws requiring people to shovel and yet many people choose not to. At least when I faceplanted and pulled my girl down with me, some dude handed me my water bottle back.

    #2 Whenever we go out and our hair looks kind of the same - because she likes to push mine up into a fauxhawk - and says, "omg twinsies" I look at her in horror. I was unaware that it was "The Merge" that terrified me as well.

    #3 I actually got a text last night from her about something cutsie but, "in a non lesbian urge to merge way." Your post, obviously, was serendipitous.

  10. Whenever I see the Merge I think they aren't actually lesbians they are in fact narcissists. Dealing with any fallout from the Merge must be less work than having to explain why one would bring a reflecting pool everywhere. I think it's gross. Coordinating outfits is one thing, sharing a wardrobe and style is another much more terrifying thing.

  11. I HATE sharing my clothes, as in: "Oooh I love your shirt, can I wear it tomorrow and the day after and next week too, to that squat-party, where it will get really dirty and gross and you'll never wanna wear it yourself again, ever?"
    ButI'm not completely opposed to 'borrowing' each others style, as in liking your gf's skinnyjeans, and then going out to find your own, with a twist, so that indeed, you do NOT merge.

  12. We call it "dyke alike"

  13. Congratulations on turning two! Now your blog can throw fits in the candy aisle as much as it wants.

    In addition to posting about how much I love the blog, I also wanted to say that I am utterly gratified to know that I'm not the only one who re-reads "The Dark is Rising" at Christmas. It's the bestest.

    As for The Merge... that's actually a trend right now in East Asia. Couples purposely by the same shirt, wear them, and then walk around all giggly at the fact that they are boldly declaring to the entire world that they are going out. I never saw any gay men do it in Beijing, but lesbian and straight couples had all joined The Cult of the Merge. My fondest memory is seeing a baby butch in giant swimmer shorts sporting a Mickey Mouse t-shirt and some giant rapper bling standing around waiting to be seated, when SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE came the hottest girl in the entire world. And she was wearing the same shirt.

    My face was like "83" for the rest of the day.

  14. How could I forget
    #4 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY effing dykes!

  15. I, too, am suffering from The Merge....... ugh. My girlfriend and I don't TRY to dress alike - it just happens. However. I have a theory that most lesbians, when in a relationship, think its acceptable.. nay.. Required that they share clothes. I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS. I really don't like sharing my clothes with anyone. My lady, on the other hand, is a huge fan. I swear she plots sneak attacks on my closet and magically appears, ready for the day, wearing my favorite cardigan. You guys, Like I Don't Notice or something!!!!! (Unfortunately we do have similar styles.)

    I have yet to meet a lesbian couple who is immune to The Merge.

  16. I don't have a merge story but yesterday I got some sort of upscale L.L. Bean catalog and there was a plaid shirtdress in it and I thought of your blog.

  17. That fucking green shirt! I always want to wear it on the same day. Grr. Complimentary outfits is one thing, sometimes the occasion calls for intimidation, and sometimes you need to accessorize. Matching however, is over the line. It's funny/cute/whatev once, or when you have the same velour comfy pants in 2 colors because they are SO BRILLIANT... but Krista, you were totally in the right to implement a change before brunch. On the subject, mmm brunch. Let's go! Watch out for ice patches!

  18. A friend once called 'em "dopplebangers." That is still my favorite.

  19. Can't stop grinning at "dopplebangers."

  20. My most recent ex-girlfriend and I look more similar than my actual sister and I do. Except I'm much hotter, but anyway. She had a much different build than me, but very much by accident we got the same haircut and color. I'd be lying if I said it didn't freak me out.

  21. My best friend and I have all the same clothes. Same jeans, same shoes, same LL Bean fleece, same threadless tshirt... not on purpose.

    But I am petite and a gaywad, and she's curvy and straight. So we can't really merge completely.

  22. So people can say what they want, that it will never happen to them, but then how come you always see it? I see it all the time in the Twin Cities. I'm not a native of MN, so maybe there is some unwritten rule that if you move to Minneapolis you have to become an identidyke within 10 years. Or maybe we just have so many lesbians here that it ups the amount of them that you see?

    It's freaky. And so...yuck to me. This is one reason I refuse to cut my hair. I see over and over again, girls coupling up and then slowly cutting their hair shorter, and shorter, until you can't help but look more and more alike.

    Also, it seems like the couples that look more alike are the ones who just seem to have "given up." They stopped wearing make up, etc. I mean, if both of you are dressed in skinny jeans with super short hair and no make up--maybe you both have thick horn-rimmed glasses--you are just going to look too alike.

    We need more help on how to avoid this! My strategy--never share clothes, different length of hair and make an effort to maintain your personal style, whether that is femme or sporty, whatever.

    Maybe it makes me superficial, but I generally pass on anybody who looks like me anyway. I suppose I could get past it because, as the cliche goes, "It's what's on the inside that counts." But, I just can't feel attracted to somebody if I feel like I'm looking in a mirror. By that I don't mean we are both femme, with long hair, etc.--beyond that: same cut and color of hair, body-type, glasses, v. similar clothes. It happens more than I would think.

    IDK what I'd do if somebody I'm dating starts to look like me, tho. How do you politely say "BTFO of my look!"

  23. The pictures in this post and the comments to follow have made my fucking life!

    Happy birfday my favorite little dykey blog. *insert unintelligible baby talk*

    I have noticed the merge is with older dykes. So could this be generational or a sign of being together forever?

  24. Oh no.. Ohhh no!

    Being a baby dyke I was unaware that there was a term for this phenomenon... And now I know, my girlfriend and I are succumbing to the merge; we are becoming 'dopplebangers.'

    For the record though dykes, she's adopted my fabulously high class style.

  25. happy birthday!!

    just like people and their dogs..over time couples start to morph into mirror images of one another. i think my parents are doing it. recently i noticed they are now the same height and maybe even weight, their eyes have lost the brown from the hazel and are now both mostly-green-eyed, and if my father were to dye his hair, i'm sure it would match my mother's..or if my mother didn't dye her hair i'm sure it would be the same shade of grey as my father's..either way, really. i don't think they even like each other all that much! how does this happen??

    my girlfriend likes to borrow my suspenders from time to time, but we don't look alike at all so i'm sure we are safe here. well i do wear her old shirts.. and she now practically owns my glasses, borrows my jackets..uh oh.

  26. My wife and I look absolutely nothing alike. She's a tall, curvy femme redhead, I'm a short blonde butch. When we go out she looks like a political intern, I look like a horse breeder from Montana.

    Needless to say, when she borrows my flannel shirts to take out the recycling, it's cute, not terrifying!

  27. hmm... with my current lady, there's no problem (different styles, entirely. I couldn't get her to wear something of mine if it was my dying wish). So I said, har har har, this isn't me! Then I saw a picture of me and my ex... both in sweaters and jeans. both purple sweaters. both skinny jeans. both with boots on. epic fail. on plus side, I'm apparently moving on to NOT MERGE in this relationship.

  28. Holy shit WEBLOG OF THE YEAR DUDE THAT IS BIG! Congrats on 2 nominations! You could win 2,011 pennies! Or something...

    So glad I nominated you in no less than 3 categories! XD

    People go vote! \o/

  29. I laughed when I read this post because I've most definitely seen it.

    As for my girlfriend and I this has never been a problem. The other day she left a button up collared shirt at my house and for a second I considered putting it on and wearing it out but when I looked in the mirror I looked like one of those girls from a cosmo photoshoot who are wearing their boyfriend's shirt. I immediately changed back into my usual dress, tights, decorative scarf combo and giggled at my silliness. Crisis averted. :)

  30. Happy Birthday!! I know what you mean about colors, one of us always goes to change when we are matching....even if it is just to switch to black instead of gray chuck t's! ;)
    Nik ~ "identidyke" ...that is hilarious!!

  31. Dyke-Alikes!! This is what my friends and I call people who merge, and it is unacceptable. Thankfully, I date people who dress very differently than me, or so I thought. This wasn't a problem until the last woman I dated.

    At first, she wore scoopneck tshirts and hipster beanies and such. I dress like a nerd, all my sweaters color coordinated. I was sure I would be fine.

    Then, one day, she went shopping and brought back two sweater vests. Fuck! Sweater vests are my territory, all my friends know this. In that moment, I had to make a decision. Become a dyke-alike or retire my cute little sweater vests for however long it takes. I made the right decision, never never become a dyke-alike. It's creepy.

  32. it's okay as long as you don't share underwear. once there's one communal undie stash you've crossed a line.

  33. my girlfriend thinks i am technologically inept and can't figure out how to comment on blogs. this is to prove her wrong.

    oh and yes we have most definitely had the urge to merge.

  34. We just call it "doublegay." My friend Bearded Gay Metal Sean, for example, is currently dating another Bearded Gay Metal Sean. Mind blowing.

  35. TOTALLY not worried about it. My girlfriend is close to six feet tall, an hourglass-shaped fierce, blonde, Serbian. I am 5'3", athletically built, and a brown Mexican. I wear jeans; she wears skirts. I have short hair; she has long hair. I consider my Spongebob T-shirt good going out attire; she wouldn't be caught dead without her Dolce&Gabbana belt and Prada bag. No, I think we're safe.

  36. My ex and I use to call it Morphing. But we usually saw it in straight couples. So funny. I think it was good one of you changed.

  37. Birthday wishes to Effing Dykes. :)

    Living in Canada gives me an immunity to snow-related unhappiness. I live and breathe snow. Good thing too, considering the massive snowstorm I'm about to receive in the next day or two.

    Personally, I find it adorable when old couples wear the same clothes... but I hate it when I see someone wearing the same thing as me in public, whether I know them or not. Might be some sort of double standard here.

  38. Does it count as The Merge if me and my girlfriend showed up at our FIRST date wearing the EXACT same thing? We had never met before...

  39. HA. I'll don't have to worry about this all. My girlfriend's a short Japanese girl who constantly wears athletic wear and I'm a tall blonde super-femme with an aversion to pants. Clearly these problems are for other people :Dbbbb

  40. OMG. Just please go for for ED for best LGBT blog so that it WON'T be Afterellen or Queerty. PLEASE.

  41. +1 to dykealikes. I still chuckle when I see, then say that.

    Once in a blue moon this will accidentally happen to my partner and I, usually when pj's/hoodies are involved. we both end up blushing.

    2 years is a long time. good work.

  42. in the summer, my girlfriend and i tend to accidentally wear matching dyke shorts (aka khaki shorts) and vnecks in assorted colors. i never specifically mind, i think it's cute when it's on accident. she gets so freaked out though.

  43. Happy birthday! I had to share "Before Christmas, when it snows, I go, 'oh isn't this magical' and hum Carol of the Bells to myself and re-read The Dark Is Rising and think about the delicious, slightly creepy magic of the holidays, especially as portrayed in English movies where there's a boys' choir making wispy 'ahhhh' noises in the background while snow settles on thatched cottages" with everyone I know who is online at this moment. The lulz are trickling in.

    As I know I've mentioned before, I'm male and my partner is not, but we have still become ensconced by the Lesbian Merge (NOT the "unisex" Hetero Merge or the monolithic Gay Male Merge). My hair is about four times the length of hers, but otherwise, we could have traded places at the SATs back in the day, if we'd known each other then. We share a taste for men's oxford shirts, sweaters, corduroys, and combat boots, so we just stock up at the thrift store and save a bundle. (If I may brag, she is so. Hot. when she dresses like a poli-sci professor circa 1966. Especially when she's smoking a cigar in that getup, or chopping wood.)

    Now, a few years ago, our then-five-year-old daughter and I had the following conversation:

    Kid: "When I grow up, I want to marry a boy who is kind of like a girl."
    Me: "Cool. What do you mean?"
    Kid: "Well...kind of like you, Daddy."
    Me: *curious amusement* "Yeah? In what ways am I like a girl?"
    Kid: "Well, you dress like a girl..."
    Me: *thinking she's going to mention my kilt, which my partner would never touch in a million years because of painful skirt/dress memories*
    Her: "You like to wear Mommy's clothes."

    We were in a busy public men's restroom in a sports bar in Ohio when this conversation took place, but it was still one of the best conversations of my life.

  44. on our way to acro yoga last night my lady told me to change out of my white vneck ...i looked up to notice that she too was wearing a white vneck. it's gay enough that we were on our way to acro yoga to learn 'sleeping bat'. even though we make concerted efforts, people still ask if we're sisters. i dont have any sisters, but if i did i doubt i'd slap her ass and grab her tits like it was my job. (sadly, i get in trouble for this.)

    i think dykes are just super narcissistic and fall in love with their own reflection.

  45. also, that's awesome nick.

  46. Identidykes!!
    My lady and I don't wear the same clothes...intentionally. But sometimes I throw on one of her shirts to go out. Only embarassing if we're wearing the same shirt in a different color. Thankfully, I'm 6 inches shorter than her, so there's no mistaking which of us is which from behind (that and that she's blonde and I'm not)...

  47. I started going to a gay synagogue, and all the dykes there had the same haircut as me! Even the rabbi! I had to resort to extreme measures.

    So I shaved my head.

    I know it's a lesbian stereotype and marks me as possibly insane, but so far I haven't seen any other chicks with shaved heads. I'm safe...for now.

    I can crush on other nerdy chicks without being accused of wanting to have sex with myself or my sister! However, I have had a history of inspiring/encouraging hair cuts in those around me (including my illustration professor?!), so maybe the insanity will spread...

  48. I thought we were safe-she wears sandalwood and flowey stuff, I wear jeans and sports stuff. But no! It's been 18 months and I realized purple sweaters, Gap jeans, Mountain Equipment backpacks, purple skinned Macbooks, Birks in summer, etc. We got invited to a Hallowe'en party and I said we could just show up as lesbians.
    Seriously, does anyone else out there feel a little put off sexually when your partner looks exactly like you?

  49. Seriously the height of narcissism to fuck your own reflection. I succumbed once, and it/the whole idea freaks me the hell out to this day. No more doppelbanging (amazing word) for me.

  50. My boyfriend and I have volunteered at a few of the same events, so we have a couple of the same shirts. I try to avoid wearing one at the same time he does, but he will go out of his way to match.
    Then his mom knitted us matching hats for Christmas. It was his idea. Help.

  51. HA! This is perfect. A few weeks ago, I told my girlfriend that I needed to get a haircut because I couldn't have an asymmetrical haircut anymore because hers was asymmetrical, and I didn't want to be "those lesbians"

    She looked at me like I was crazy.


    Thank you.

  52. I've had a voice in my head saying: "ahh your hair is to long. Cut it cut it!" ever sinse I became a lesbian.
    My girlfriend has the 'hair cut nagging' worse.
    She cut her hair. Then she cut it shorter.
    Now she has a beautiful mohawk (that I'm proud to say I cut). I'm lucky, because I know I don't ever want my hair that short, I just wouldn't look good. Mines a little shorter than shoulder in the back and longer in the front...
    So we are not in danger of the merge.
    Also. Couples who are very butch + femme are not as likely to Merge others I think..

  53. My birthday is in January. A whole new year starts in January. And I got together with my girlfriend and accepted I was a lesbian last year- in January.

    "The Merge" is currently happening due to a recent decision to cohabitate with my honey.
    We both wore horizontally striped shirts last week (granted, mine was girly and purple/eggshell, hers gray and off-white from the american eagle men's section).
    Yesterday, we both wore reddish shirts.
    We both have undercuts. We both wear black glasses.
    It's kind of fucking adorable. =]

  55. i thought the merge was when your girlfriend is too attached to you and you feel like there is no room for you to be an individual person. that is, without her analyzing your every thought.

  56. I'm tall and curvy with long blonde hair, the girl is shorter, built like a twig and has short dark hair. Merging? Phew, no chance. Like I'd fit her clothes anyway! However, we have on occasion both showed up to an event wearing mens' oversized flannel shirts.
    The dyke warning bell is working overtime.

  57. I recall walking up the street in the gaybourhood once with my ex-girlfriend, merrily laughing at a matching dyke couple a block ahead of us: they had matching crewcuts, matching sports-team t-shirts, matching cargo pants, the works. Oh, we thought, how funny they are in their matching outfits! How superior we are in our treasured independent identities!

    Until we looked down & realised we were both wearing ripped jeans, Doc Marten boots, and political-slogan t-shirts. Oops.

    It is scariest when it catches you unawares.

  58. My girlfriend and I looked similar before we even met. We sound alike too. Our own mothers can barely tell us apart on the phone. But anyone who knows us knows that our personalities are very different.

    I just have one rule. We have to use different soap and shampoo. We cannot smell alike. Look alike? Okay. But having the same scent is just too weird.

    In other words, I don't give a shit what other people notice about us. What matters is that we are still able to notice each other.

    You won't notice what your girlfriend smells like if she smells exactly like you. And then maybe you won't miss her when she's not around. It's all downhill from there. SCENT is strongly connected to emotional memory.

  59. I am an identical twin. I spent the first 6 years of my life dressed exactly like my sister.
    I've been with the same woman 27 years. We never look anything alike.
    Mergers scare me.

  60. I always pity older lesbian couples that have merged. Just a little bit. That's why some days I'll wear a t-shirt, jeans, and a blazer, and other days I'll wear skirts with big buttons and a blouse. I also die a little bit when I realize I own something that one of my friends does. ;_;

  61. I too am always trying to fight this. MEANWHILE, my girlfriend actually thinks that dressing in basically-the-same clothing is not only perfectly acceptable, but actually adorable! And I admit, I'm losing the battle....I bought a sweatshirt and allowed her to buy the same one in a different colour. I've also convinced her, since we met, to buy clothes that actually fit her, which means our pants look more similar. And she's picked up a love for beaters from me. goddamn.

  62. I call this TWINKIE DYKES. And I flatly refuse.

  63. "Smithie said...

    We call it "dyke alike"
    February 1, 2011 7:34 AM "

    Bahaha, Smith is so gay. That's where I learned dyke alike, too. the hilarity never ends

  64. Well, yet another lovely thing to worry about when I grow up.
    Anyway, where the hell did you get that beautiful picture of lady sovereign?

  65. I can't decide if I prefer dyke alike or doppelbangers. Both are amazing.

    Oh, and I go to Smith too, lol.


  67. It doesn't have to happen - 20 years and counting and NEVER, not once....

  68. Two words. 'Butch' and 'Femme'. Never happens ;)

  69. Nooo... don't do it! It's creepy in a Single White Female way. Plus I find it disrespectful if my beau wanted to wear my clothes. It's a we're-our-own-person-respectful-boundary kind of issue. No matter how intimate and passionate of a relationship, don't lose yourselves!

  70. Only two years? Wow, for some reason it feels like this blog has been around all my (gay) life.

    The only person I ever dated who looked anything like me was actually a boy. I don't see many girls who look/dress much like me, cause I'm a weirdo, so maybe I can avoid it. Around here all the baby dykes look identical and date one another. I can't tell them apart anymore.

  71. fyi. scooter season in tucson is february through december... and even some of january.

  72. I can't say that my ex and I really had the same build or coloring. Though we did have very similar everyday style. Well, except for how she hated wearing dresses. I mean, we're talking virulent hatred here. Honestly, I just quit wearing them after a while, because she couldn't see me in one without going "oh, you're so pretty in that dress; I'm glad yours -- I'd hate to have to be the one wearing it."

    Like it was my job or something.

    Current SO looks like he could be my brother, and hey, he doesn't care that I occasionally dress like I could be his.

  73. Shut the eff up, how have I never known of this blog before?!?! So glad to find another gay lady out there in the blogosphere. :)

  74. Yes! I went to a Tegan and Sara concert last year in Nashville, and the merge was everywhere. Really freaky. It kind of seems like a weird form of narcissism when you're dating a carbon copy of yourself.

  75. what the fucking fuck. this blog is two years old, and i just found it?! lame sauce.

    thanks for the lulz--i'll be reading vigilantly from now on.

  76. Identa-dykes... that's what my friends call it. My girlfriend and I definitely have very similar dressing styles. Since I'm slightly more girly than her and have a darker complexion/hair, we seem to get away with it most of the time.

  77. This reminds me of my sister and me and we were kids. We were the same size though she was 3 years younger than me so we had the exact same shirt size and my jeans were size 12 or 14 skinny and hers were size 12 or 14 regular. So we wore the same shirts a lot though she wasn't allowed to wear the white shirts because she would ALWAYS get chocolate milk, spaghetti sauce, or grape juice on them. Never failed. So she would sneak a white shirt under her sweater and wear it to school. And then stain it. Bitch.

  78. a terrible story:

    1. going to a VERY straight wedding with a old friend who also happens to be a les. it is really far so we drive pretty close then go into a bathroom to change in our nice clothes walk out and I am wearing a cream dress with brown all over floral, she is wearing a cream button up with brown pants. we are horrified!! there is nothing to be done. we go to the wedding and everyone thinks we are together. damnit. funny. MATCHIN!!

    also seattle is terrible for this. maybe more like a huge clone army of lesbians waering black hoodies and skinny jeans than just matching couples. terrible.

  79. This happens to Cayla!! AHH! HIGHlarious. Good thing for ME, I don't wear a whole lotta PLAID and she doesn't rock a dress! But we do wear the same colors! You make me laugh! Can't wait to meet you!

  80. no merge over here. the closest we come to it is my lover wearing my button ups in order to have easy access to her tits for baby feeding.

    but it happens to all kinds including my grandmother and her 2nd husband, who is 18 years younger than she is. imagine a cute, squat elderly woman in a cotton soft-salmon tinted rolled neck sweater, and her balding jack sprat husband in a cotton soft-salmon tinted rolled neck sweater. yep. Now, imagine it in turquoise and royal blue and red, etc. etc. etc...same colors together for always.

  81. Me and my ex looked a lot a like. When I slept over at her place her mother would always try and wake me up by yelling that I was late for class. I'd then groggily tell her that Marion left for class ages ago and that I was going back to sleep.
    It happened at work too. We worked at different locations of the same chain--both were oversaw by the same guy. Whenever he visited the store he'd invariably mix up our names. We worked 20 minutes away from each other and he still couldn't remember which of us worked where. I got promoted to manager (and the gf didn't) and he still called me Marion.
    The most embarrassing part was when we would get down to our underwear only to realize we were wearing identical bras, boxers, undies, and socks.

  82. My partner has been pretty vigilant about not merging, down to getting pissed off when I had matching oxidized silver rings with amber cabochons custom made for our 10th anniversary last summer, Ha! I have never cared if I stepped out of the bathroom wearing a black T shirt and jeans and she stepped out of the walk in closet in a black sweater and jeans. if I am wearing cargo pants and a white T she is TOTALLY allowed to wear cargos and a white T........she won't. she will walk right back in that closet and change into black dress pants and a white button down. I hate it when I'M going casual and look casual and SHE'S going business semi formal and looks amazing. DAMMMMITT.

  83. we like to call that "twincest" or "doppelbangers"...always scary

  84. You know you're super gay when; you have to change because you're both wearing Tegan and Sara shirts.

  85. My ex thought that was funny. We had the same body type and matching (natural) hair color. She cut mine shorter, like hers.
    She bought me clothes, like hers.
    She got me the same shoes I told her I liked ON her for my birthday.
    What's to do? Not wear any because I'm terrified? She, so sweet, put a very big effort to FIND those shoes for me. They were old and odd; cool and... one of a kind...
    Well, no more.
    She, so sweet.

    Then people started calling her by MY name.
    Not funny at all.

    She was sooo pissed that dyied her hair to some impossible color called "cotton candy pink" an stopped wearing anything resembling a Doc Marten.
    People also noted that said matched style looked a lot better on me that on her.

    DRA MA
    Merge stopped for good. Ha.

  86. hi there! long-time hetero reader, few-times poster.

    two things, not really related to this post, but totally related to everything wonderful & gay:

    OMG NPR!:

    aaaaaaaaand the blog its self, obviously:


  87. Rachel I see you commenting!!!
    Many other Smithies too.

    And I have to also cast my vote for "dyke-alikes"

  88. My favorite thing about being High Femme & dating only butch dykes is that I never, ever, run the risk of wearing matching clothese. Or even sharing them, really.

  89. Wow, you get a lot of comments (clearly I read very few blogs). Kudos and congrats on the nominations. Dorothy gave you a nod. :)


  90. Mount Holyoke says doppelbangers. Pretty great.

  91. My ex wife and i were commonly mistaken for twin brothers. Never. Again.

    Thrilled to have found this blog! :)

  92. THANKGOD THANKGOD THANKGOD my girlfriend is such a femme. I like my blazers and tailored trousers, and she is so damn cute in skirts and little dresses. Which I would never ever touch. Ever.

  93. we call it "Dyke-Alike" here too. I've accused my friends of it, and they were very offended. the reason? one of them had no style, and copied the other. i guess in a long term relationship, sometimes you start to get into the same things, like the same styles... and you find them together, since you do everything together. I mean, who doesn't want to look like they just walked off the pages of The Sartorialist?
    its also a part of getting old.

  94. there should be a dyke-alike Tumblr where we can all post pictures of our most horrifying or thrilling dyke-alike moments. do it, Krista!

  95. My ex and I always had this problem. Usually because we'd layer the same men's ribbed tanks, you know the colored ones? And we'd layer them in the same order. So we'd see each other before we went out or dancing or what have you, fight about who got to wear what color, and before you knew it we were just switching around the layers. It didn't change the fact that we were still two tall skinny lesbians wearing the same kind of shirt and jeans. The Merge. If only I had seen it then . . . People always asked if we were sisters, too. Even if we weren't wearing the same thing.

    I keep adding to my mental list of reasons this ex and I should have broken up years before we actually did, and this post helped me to add #989 or some ridiculous number like that, so thanks Effing Dykes. Helping lesbians like me get over the exes that look way too similar to myself. Huzzah!


  96. Just going to throw another one out for the Smith dyke-a-likes! Man I miss that place... candy store for lesbians!

  97. I'm a twin dyke too(I'm pretty sure is was my twin who posted above). My twin and I agree that matchy is creepy. It is hard though when you look exactly like someone else, although I'm butch and she's fem. It is one of the reasons we live across the country from each other, to have an unique identity and so when I see just regular lesbians doing the matchy I am totally creeped out.

  98. To the poster above who suggested a dyke-alike tumblr:

    That is a brilliant idea. I would follow that in a minute.

  99. I've actually thought about The Merge often in my (relatively short) active bisexual life of 8 years. (I liked the girlies before but had a hard time admitting it to myself.) Generally, I'm only attracted to women who look nothing like me and never could. (i.e. I'm a blonde white girl and I've only dated black women.) Additionally, I've only dated/slept with black men. The Merge reeeeeallly freaks me out. Truly, I have a hard time understanding why people who have made The Merge are even attracted to each other. Isn't that like being attracted to yourself?

  100. my favorite game...ever:

    Go to see Melissa Ethridge, Indigo Girls, Sara and Tegan, (Hell, we played at an L7 show), where ever the lesbos go....and play count the button downs (M. E. shows consistantly win that one ) or count the Mirge( Sara and Tegan...consistant winners).

    Just don't try making it a drinking game. You get loaded way too quick.

    It is the ultimate cure the Mirge. Also...the button down shirt.

    And Happy Birthday, Effing Dykes!

  101. This also scares me... Thankfully my girlfriend and I don't wear anything remotely similar.
    She has better shoes than me. That is all.

    Happy birthday, Effing Dykes!

  102. Have you ever heard the word doppelbangers? I think its an imperative item in a Dyke's vocabulary.

  103. i'd just like to say as a fellow lady from the mid-west, a sincere kudos is in order. i was hooked immediately since the flannel dissertation. My girlfriend and I met in South Korea while teaching English, and if you want the most concrete dissection of the merge, look across the pacific to our silky jet-black haired friends. I'm talking couples hoodies, jeans, even tennis shoes sold in stores with the blatant purpose of merging after a mere week of courtesanship. check it...

  104. Hm, I do agree mostly, but is it better to stick with the traditional boyish-girlish-setup? Not digging that, either. It makes me think of the 50's, trailers, dark, sleezy bars and raids. No offence to anyone.

  105. I am always saying, don't copy that to my girl who seems to keep taking piece by piece my style into her own. She laughs it off and says I am weird about it and that she has her own style...which looks more and more like mine. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

  106. i know from your last post you must already read this blog, which is ripe with the horrors of identi-dyke marriages and matching khaki-pastel-vneck photo seshes, but god, does it get any worse?

  107. Just laughed my ass off, alone, in the library.
    My gay aunts drive two identical black Rav-4's.

    I always thought there was just one, since they're always together. It wasn't until my girlfriend and I pulled in their driveway to visit them that I saw that there were in fact two, parked side by side. As my girlfriend astutely commented: "do your aunts seriously drive the exact same Rav-4? GAY."

    You can't make this shit up.

  108. my girlfriend and I color coordinate our outfits all the time but I'm not scared of merging since my darling dyke has not shopped in the women's section of a store since 1998. I'm extremely femme and we are both very into fashion. I'll admit It's ridiculous (and precious). we spend a lot of time planning our outfits and I have even painted my nails to math her nikes! When my dress matches her tie I think it shows solidarity and makes us feel like we belong together. Make fun if you want but we are one sexy couple!

  109. Yesterday I was walking behind this couple. They both had short blond hair, men's pants, and plaid shirts. I thought they were dykes from behind, and I would have thought they were dykes from the front if the guy hadn't had a beard. It was freaky.

  110. LOL I know what you're talking about. At my first gay pride festival, I honestly asked two girls (lez couple) if they were twins. I really thought they were.

    You can't complain about suddenly having a double closet when you get together with a girl, tho ;D

    Happy my girl and I do have different styles, tho.. she's vans and overzeas girl, I'm cheep monday and leopard dresses and heels ;D

  111. the merge is inevitable. no matter how you try to resist it, it's in our DNA. lesbians all end up looking the same BUT occasionally one person might completely steal the other one's style.

  112. We call this twincest. That is all.

  113. I was a major perpetrator of the Merge early on in my current relationship, because I was totally enamored of her, and I thought everything she did looked soooooooo good I just had to try it. Fortunately, after a few months I realized a lot of it just didn't work on me or for me, and that she actually *gasp!* liked the way I looked anyway, so I could give it a rest.

  114. Haha me and my girlfriend do this , not on purpose though. she's the one that always comments when we end up matching with our skinny jeans black sweaters and black Toms! Lol I could care less I'm comfy :)

  115. My gf and I were introduced to an much older (we're in our 20s they're in their early 60) lesbian couple a few months ago at a wedding. I would have loved asking them questions about their 35+ years together but didn't get a chance. What I did walk away with was a fear of THE MERGE. These women were both wearing black loose, flowy, pants. One wore a white, loose unbuttoned blouse with a swirling beaded black pattern. The other wore a black, loose unbuttoned blouse with a swirling beaded white pattern. Both had a short hair cut, the kind that is kind of expected of all women past the age 50. Those women, cute as they were (they were like lesbian grandmas) put a fear in us.

    P.S. Totally addicted to your blog.

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