Y'allfags are hilarious.
Soooo many good lesbian-specific substitutions for "cockblocking."
I didn't know where to turn.
Criteria for bestestness:
* Rolls off the tongue.
* Can be used in real life.
* Accuracy of description.
* Can be pronounced when drunk.
* Makes coffee come out my nose.
Finally, after an exhaustive twenty whole minutes, the list was complete. The Final Seven were:
2) Twat swat
3) Clam jam
5) Beaver impeder
6) Taco blocko
Then I sat and stared at the list.
|(by t .)|
One could easily imagine oneself at the bar yelling "Taco blocko! Did you see that shit?"
It was too difficult to choose.
So I sent a mass text to a lot of lesbians.
Within mere seconds, we had an overwhelming winner.
Annnnd the winner is....CLITORFERENCE with a staggering 80% of votes!
Tawnya: We just looked at each other and pictured ourselves making a "X" with our arms at the bar, like a football referee, and screaming, "CLITORFERENCE!!!"
It's a sports reference, which makes sense 'cause major perpetrators of cockblockage are sporty dykes. Also, you could just make a tiny "X" with your fingers and mouth it to your friends.
Hey, creater of "clitorference"? You wrote in as 'Anonymous'. How are you supposed to get your prize if you don't tell me who you are??
Sheesh. Write me, darlin'. email@example.com.
Time to gather with family and friends back home.
Where you grew up.
The Jewish kids are almost done, but in Christmas land, the terror is mounting: in two weeks, it's time for the awkwardness, alllll over again.
I like to give presents, too.
I just love the whole ceremony of it. The planning. The hiding. The tissue paper. It's exciting!
Last year, I got everything on my list, except for one spectacular oversight.
This year, I have been truly, magnificently good, so I'm sure Santa will see reason and grant me all my wishes.
Here's my list. It's oh-so-tiny. C'mon Santa.
*Krista's Wish List 2010-2011*
1. A breadmaker with a gluten-free setting.
Christ almighty. I need one. Do you sluts know how much one measly, 10-slice loaf of gluten-free bread is? Do you? Because it's six dollars. A loaf.
Holy fuck. I love toast. I'm going broke.
2. A Great Dane. Specifically, a Great Dane puppy with a black coat and white tuxedo stripe, and white paaaaaaaws.
He could also be tan.
I shall call him Jacob.
I've asked for Jacob for 5 years running, now, and every Christmas morning it's the same: AN UTTER LACK OF ENORMOUS BOXES WITH AIRHOLES.
|[via emily saurus]|
This Christmas cannot be a repeat.
Jacob and I will be best friends and he'll look really scary and frighten the Ukrainian hooligans that hang around my neighborhood. They'll all be terrified of his fierce growls and sleek muscles and only I will know that he's a gentle giant.
I'll coordinate his collars with my outfits and snuggle up to his warm, fuzzy chest in sunbeam patches on the floor.
I've already read Be The Pack Leader.
I already have a plastic bin full of XXL dog clothes under my bed.
I'm like those ladies who buy baby clothes waaaaay before they get pregnant.
It's getting shameful.
Look at these fucking cute boots.
They look like they have adorable grey legwarmers attached. Like your feet are made of shaggy, stocky ponies.
Chicago is freezing. I need these.
4) The entire Crashpad series on DVD.
Crashpad is lesbian porn made by actual lesbians.
They come the closest of any films I've ever seen to making My Ideal Porn, which is:
Two elfin boi-types making out.
|[via oh cardigan]|
I just want to watch bois having a hard-core make-out session. I don't even want to see anything graphic.
Everyone can keep their pants on, even.
I just want to watch bois make out. Simple pleasures.
5) A subscription to the Suicide Girls website.
I'm finally asking for it, Santa.
You guys. I don't care.
6) 100% white cotton underwear, hipster-style, with nothing on it. No brand names, not too expensive, no girly details, so CJ and I can buy it in bulk and then she can print on them at her studio.
Fuckit. I've looked everywhere.
These do not exist. Not in bulk.
7) An adorable, technologically-savvy lil' lesbian who's majoring in something computery, loves working for free, needs credit in building websites for school and wants to add "Webmaster of Effing Dykes" to her resume.
Just throwin' it out there.
And...that's it, gayelles. That's all I want. Bread, porn, boots, underwear, a cute intern/slave, and a Great Dane named Jacob.
What's on your list? C'mon I need ideas. I can't give this list to my mom.