Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tightening Our Belts

Well well well. 


Stop what you're doing.  
Put everything down.  
Put your book, coffee, pen, and girlfriend's boobs down.


Close the door to your office.  
Press 'Pause' on Grand Theft Auto 4.  

It's time for a...

POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!!

Now you might want to steel yourselves, tricks.  
Gather your strength.  
You've had a nice long break, and this could get nasty.

Situation #1:  Katrina. Age: Early 20's.
[via rararenegade]
Likes to be called Kat.  Just started working at the all-night diner you've been going to for years.  

Kat is so breathtaking you find yourself ordering extra shit you don't even want, just so she'll bring the apple pie to your table.  

You badly, badly want to ask her out.

Kat has:  long, dark hair, glasses that are nerdy-on-purpose, and tattoos all over the place.  She wears skintight jeans, a cute hair kerchief tied up 50's-style, and dangly earrings.  She calls you (and everybody else) "Hon."  
You think she might like you better than most people, but that could just be the extra peach cobbler talking.  


Assuming Kat doesn't think you're an excellent candidate for type 2 diabetes...

Should you ask her out?  
Is Kat gay or straight?

------------------------------------------------

Situation #2:  Evie.  Age: 28-ish. 
[via fucked-up-mind]
Evie rips tickets part-time at the little independent movie theater in the arty part of town.  Very chatty, she seems to be friends with everyone she works with.  You've become casual buddies, since you're 'suddenly' going to a lot of independent films.  

When you asked her if "Evie" stood for anything, she said, "Evangelical" with a straight face, then busted up laughing.

Evie has:  straight, shoulder-length brown hair, tight jeans, a studded belt, Vans sneakers, and horrible silver bracelets that say shit like "Faith" and "Hope" written on them in cursive (c'mon, Evie).

Is Evie straight or queer?
Should you ask her out?

--------------------------------------------

Situation #3:  Ray.  Age: Late 30's?  
[via VANessa]
Ray is one of the co-owners of that new vegan restaurant - the one that's been getting all the good reviews.  There are always lesbians in the window, and you've been going 'cause the restaurant does dirty, sexy things with falafel.  
You've seen Ray a few times, making the rounds, checking how everyone's meals are.  

Your stomach wants more radicchio.  Your crotch wants Ray.

Ray has:  Really short hair, a tweed blazer, a plain silver band on her pointer finger, tight jeans, a studded fake leather belt (cruelty-free!), and tall boots.  She looks. like. a lesbian.

Is Ray gay or straight?
Should you ask Ray out?

-------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS!  

Situation #1:  Kat.  


Should you ask Kat out?  

No!  For fuck's sake, no.  First of all, she's a really hot waitress.  
Do you have any idea how many people ask their hot waitresses out on any given day?  
Jesus.  



She could have a giant coldsore covering half her face - if she has even a hint of a nice ass and is serving up cake, you can bet that at least 3 people have "helpfully" written their phone numbers on the bill for her that day.

Is Kat straight or gay?

You're not gonna ask her out, so does it matter? 


Ahahahaha.
Seriously, though - wait for Kat to say something to you that's really telling, like, "Hey, would you like to go down on...I mean, out with me?"


Then we'll know alllll about her sexual orientation, mmkay?
[via supersarah]


Situation #2 and #3:  They're both gay! 


Q:  But how do we know??


A:  It's all. about. the belts.


No lie - this belt:
is for lesbians.


That's not to say that Evie and Ray aren't both giving off lots of homolicious vibes.  



For Evie, it's the Vans sneakers, the joke about evangelicals, the untouched-by-styling-products-but-still-long-enough-to-pass-as-a-straight-girl-but-not-long-enough-to-be-super-femmey hair in combination with the shitty non-denominational-Christian wristbands.


Plus her studded belt.


For Ray...well, c'mon, she co-owns a vegan restaurant.  


Based on totally stereotypical ideas about "what a lesbian looks like", you already suspect she might be a muff-diver.


And then you see her cruelty-free, studded belt.

AND THEN YOUR GAYDAR GOES CRAZY.

[via sophia wallace photography]
Oh really, you say?


A crock of shit, you say?
Lots of straight girls own this belt?
Pah.  
Baby emo girls (read: might be gay, check back later) and disturbed teens like this belt. 


Skater girls like this belt.
Femme dykes like this belt.


Everybody loves it!  
Even though you can get one in the Family Dollar's sale bin!  


Go to any dyke bar in town and you can play a fun drinking game with our friend the studded belt.  
[via hellogirls]
Everybody drinks when you see one walk through the door.  
Take a shot if you see the belt while a girl is bending over to play pool.  


You'll be blind drunk by the end of the night.
I promise.
[via ditc]
Lesbians love the studded belt for many reasons.  


1)  It adds toughness to any outfit.  GRRRRdon'tmesswithmeIamafiercegay!!!  Back off, motherfucker.
[for chinda]

2)  It reminds us of bondage. 


3)  It makes a great noise when two studded belts happen to rub together on the dance floor - like a beautiful and haunting lesbian xylophone sonata.  


So:  If a girl is throwing off the gay in waves AND happens to be wearing a studded belt, go for it.  


Ask that lesbian out!  


The studded belt is really like a jeweled crown for a homosexual's waist.

How did you do on the quiz, gayelles? 

51 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I think my girlfriend IS #2 Evie, minus the hokey wristbands. (She wears black elastic bead bracelets instead.) No joke. Vans, shoulder-length-almost-long-enough-to-be-straight-not-long-enough-to-be-super-femmey hair, STUDDED FUCKING BELT. She wears that shit every fucking day. She's also chatty. And if her name WERE Evie, she would probably make that joke.

    Next time you come to SF, you will meet her, and you will see that I am not even a little bit kidding.

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  3. (Sorry for the double comment... whoops! Delete delete!)

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  4. I got 100% on the pop quiz! I feel so proud.

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  5. <3
    100.

    i want to be ray when I grow up. How dreamy.

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  6. I got 2.5/3. I thought Evie might have been one of those hipster International House of Prayer kids--potentially queer, but not a sure thing. If you don't have them in your city, be thankful. They're all super cute and LOOK super queer, but they're only into the jesus. Double-crossers!

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  7. I love how as I'm kinda doing my lighting 203 hw/facebooking/drinking a cocktail, Mac's handy most top viewed sites window shows that your front page has changed. Gives me a reason to further procrastinate on an an assignment due yesterday while finishing my cocktail so's that I can hop in bed with my lovely girlfriend. and a 100% on the quiz ONLY because I am Kat, but in an auto parts store, rather than a restaurant. Win.

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  8. I had that same belt in high school...in the 80's. queer is as queer does. at any age.

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  9. It's true... I have a studded belt.

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  10. I would never buy/wear a studded belt.
    Does that make me straight?

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  11. Do you know how many times I've contemplated the studded belt (maybe even the rainbow one!)?
    100%!!

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  12. Krista, I do a lesbian happy dance every time you post a new entry! Here's a request for you: an entry on suspenders. Like Fedoras, they are sometimes co-opted by the the straight girls, so how do we tell?

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  13. I've got a studden belt, and I had no idea it was a gaythingy! haha
    :)

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  14. got a 3/3

    and it was def the finger ring that gave away number 3 (and maybe the tweed)

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  15. I got them all right! This baby dyke's gaydar really is improving! I may be able to try this out in real life soon...

    I don't wear the studded belt, but my girlfriend does. (And so does my baby emo teen--she looks just like the ones in your picture.)

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  16. I had a perfect score. But you know what also tipped me off on girl #1, Kat? The pug dog in the background: tough animal friend + tough studded belt accessory = dyke.

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  17. Nailed it! Kat was giving me major red flags with the "hon" thing. I've noticed lezzies don't call other girls hon unless they KNOW them. Being gay, the fear of giving off unintentional I want you vibes to any random person is pretty high.
    Other two: easy! I think ED's school of spot the gay is working! Studded belts: you're totally right! Anyone over 20 with one on is a dead giveaway. Once again you do not fail to educate, wise sage.

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  18. Awwe. I wanted to ask Kat out. xP

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  19. I don't really understand the silver wristbands on Evie...but ok. I also am glad that you persuaded me not to ask the baristaImeanwaitress out. Good call. At least I called they were all gay.

    I have complete faith and follow your gaydar rules when looking for chicks, but this one I don't understand. I guess I'll see.

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  20. I don't get the bracelet thing on Evie either, but I totally did well on the quiz anyway: 100% for this baby dyke. Also, how long does a dyke stay a baby dyke for? When does one graduate to the common dyke? Explain it to me, Krista!

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  21. I suck cept for the 3rd one..lol! man...the belt?! really?? Maybe I should get one too cos I have none..hahahaha and yes I am soo lost at the bracelet thingy..;p

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  22. I am now full of remorse for disdainfully pitching my white leather studded belt awhile back.

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  23. I feel like this site has so much potential for trendsetting/product placement. I know you kind of talk about things that are already stylish among lesbians... but I have since bought a pair of engineer boots (with the harness) and now I want to finally replace that studded belt I outgrew with a nice new one ... and that lipstain marker you blogged about is tempting as well...
    they are all things that I want anyway and it's like this site is just telling me to get them!

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  24. Okay, so I perfected your quiz, but I have a dilemma. Although I can spot the gays, I have no idea how to open. When girls flirt with me, I don't know what to do.

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  25. Oo, I agree with Abernathy! What are the stages of dyke? When do we get to emerge from our crysalis and no longer be mistaken for baby emos, but Totes Queer? Do we really have to cut our hair, cos, um, it's preeettyy even if it is quite difficult not to keep lying on it when there are two of you?
    I will spend the time until you next update trying to find ways to work "lesbian xylophone sonata" into casual conversation.

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  26. I assumed that they were all gay ...
    but then I always assume that of everyone I meet.

    I say everyone is gay until proven straight.
    Or is that gay until proven boring?

    I do not have, nor have I ever had, a studded belt, wait does studded collar count?

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  27. Let's liven up these quizzes...c'mon now go out on the limb and tell me how to differentiate between middle aged lesbians and their all too nuclear counterparts...

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  28. Hmmm...reeeeaallly? The studded belt is a necessary and integral part of my wardrobe, but I smoke sausage and have for years. I prefer this "no-make up look" but will not hesitate to paint the canvas if the occasion so calls for it, and in spite of my carnivore reference, I am a vegetarian. And who in the fuck doesn't love tweed? Oh well, it doesn't matter, this is a great blog.

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  29. I actually got all three right. And as for #1. I was a waitress for two years and you're totally right about getting asked out all.the.goddamn.time.

    My girlfriend has a plethora (that's right) of studded belts so I totally got two and three right. It really is all about the belt. I'll be trying this drinking game as soon as I hit the gay bar/clubs next.

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  30. I couldn't vote.

    My official reason is that the first two are embryos compared to me and it would be indecent to consider them as anything other than lovely young women with interesting taste in fashion.


    My real reason is that I was dazzled by all the boobies.

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  31. I was two out of three. I was wrong on Evie. Mostly because I didn't want her to be gay. The Evangelical bit cracked me up, I've got a thing for a girl with an ironic sense of humor.

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  32. i always assume everyone's gay, so i got 2 outta 3 right...

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  33. Huh... I got them all right, and I'm straight, and it had nothing to do with the belts. Hmmm... your blog always brings me a ton of joy and makes me smile. Thanks :)

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  34. Holy crap. I'm Kat. As in that is actually my picture.
    :( Nobody wants to ask me out! Damn it!

    I totally have a studded belt as well.... haha

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  35. I have three studded belts (one plaid, one pink and one black) and I like penis. I like the belts for the same reason you mentioned, it gives a bit of edge to an otherwise boring and/or girly outfit.

    But I'm a former tomboy so maybe a lot of lesbians are former tomboys too? Maybe it's a tomboy thing? Maybe it's a bit of corporate rebellion as I near my 40s? I'm not emo, either. I'm too old to be emo. I bought my belts in the post-punk-rock 80s to go with my Doc Martens. Maybe it's a GenX nostalgia-thing?

    I got all three ladies correct on the quiz. I figured #2 would have been wearing Converse sneakers if she was straight. And #3 owned a vegetarian restaurant, had short hair and a silver ring on her index finger. I think the ring cinched it for me. I wonder why. It's a visceral thing.

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  36. They're all queer; 2 and 3 are obvious but...

    The waitress is bi... if you're cute, kinda butchy and charmingly persuasive (none of which describe me, so I'd be scared to even fantasize about asking her out and probably even to order anything at all) and if she's really mad at her emo boyfriend that day.

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  37. Random request:

    Do you think you could add a search function to your blog? For example, I was overcome by a need today to share your fedora post, and was unable to satisfy this need. My road to Maslovian self-actualization suffered.

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  38. Ooooh good idea! Why did I not think of that?

    Search function: Done!

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  39. this is the best thing ive read all year . You fucking rule

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  40. the studded belt is not a sign. the tweed is.

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  41. i got a 100. this is my first time on the site, whats with all the baby emo talk?

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  42. Top picture, woman on the right.

    Do you know personally? For sure danced with her Friday night in Chicago and accidentally knocked her plug out. I want to repay!

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  43. Hm, see this is not helpful to me, since I am 19...and I hang out with punky/hipster/gothy/nonconfomist types and they ALL wear this belt, even if they have never seen another lady's beaver. Baby's curse: I got 2 outta three, miss Evie is totally exactly like at least 4 straight as hell hipster-christian chicks I know, and the waitress is my bi best friend.

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  44. 100%... nycdykesetc...

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  45. Krista: Can you please refine the belt question a lil'? What's the deal with cinching the belt (ANY belt, not just studded) on the side or in the back like I see so many dykes do? I don't know if I've ever seen straight girls wearing their belts this way. Or at least, whenever I see a chick rocking a belt that's cinched on the side or behind, she's already pinged my gaydar in other ways. (Bartender at girls' night at gay club; andro, doc marten-wearing barista with asymetrical haircut who smirks while giving me "the gaze," you get the picture--pretty sure these girls were lesbos.) So what gives? How 'bout another dyke fashion update?

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  46. Buying a studded belt ASAP

    @BOXEDORA: What do you mean "cinched"

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  47. I never knew about this whole belt thing just like I did not think Im a lesbian. My first time hanging out with a group of lesbians I unknowingly wore my plaid shirt, vans and studded belt thats all colorful and makes pretty little butterflies all over the place. Gosh Im oblivious.

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  48. I'm not so sure about this. I know two girls who wear studded belts relgiiously. And, fair neough, one is the gayest straight girl ever but the other is so so so so straight with a capital S. And she wears the studded belt the most out of the two of them. I must try that drinking game, to see.

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