Monday, November 22, 2010

This Used To Be A Fun House

Hey tender buttoners!

Anybody out there have an ex-girlfriend?
[via papertissue]

And now, a beautiful and inspiring po-ehm.


Whenever a dyke becomes free,
(and by free we mean "newly detached")
there's quite a right clamor to be
the new "I'm-helping-her-heart-to-get-patched."

Girls start sniffing like dogs around meat
(They knew the romance wouldn't last)
They line up in queues down the street
and prepare to forget her whole past.

The newly-detached finds a mate
as she sorts through the pack of lesbos,
And her spanking new love - must be fate!
their relationship daily doth grows.

But along comes the ex with a plan:
she'll destroy those sickening lovebirds!
She'll pose as a friend:  "Yes we can!"
and shank with her friendly-type words.

Now the new lover's on guard
and jealousy spawns
Suspicions - they grow!
as green as new lawns!

The ex did her job - it's complete
A relationship lies now in ruins
She's got her old love by the teat,
and all from her "friendly-type" doins'.

[via lesfemmes]
I like when I sit down to write a very serious post about ex-girlfriends and this is what comes spewing out.  

If you are what you eat, then my brain matter today is composed of a microwaved gluten-and-dairy free burrito (eaten before insides were warm) and six stale Jet-Puffed marshmallows.

Anyway!  That very serious poem was addressing a very serious issue I've been wondering about:

Why do so many of us lesbians try to stay friends with our ex-girlfriends?
[via prunelle]
It's very much a dyke thing.

Breeders have known for ages that it's a bad idea to stay friends with your ex.  

A very lucky few were friends before they started dating and remain friends after they stop dating, but for the most part - the straights freak out.  

Scenario: You're a boy and your wonderful new girlfriend is still "awesome" friends with her (very muscle-y) old boyfriend?

You freak out.

Scenario:  You're a girl and your new boyfriend is still friends, and talks on the phone all the time with his (very hot) old girlfriend?

You freak out.

Scenario:  You're a queer girl and your new girlfriend is still friends with (and goes out with and talks on the phone all the time with and fucking still cuddles with) her (hot mess) of an old girlfriend??

Oh.  S'okay.  
That's what lesbians do.
[via ADRIEN!]

There are probably a few semi-good reasons.  

1) There just ain't that many of us in any given city.  There's got to be some sort of sexual crossover.  

That chart-thing that Alice makes on the L-Word?  
You can play it in real life.  
It works.  (And it's fucking humiliating, btw.  Nothing like finding out you've shared crotches, through three degrees of separation, with one of your friends' moms.)

2) We are a trusting people.  
Reluctant to give away our hearts; when we do, we'll do anything to believe our trust is not misplaced.
At one point, our exes thought the sun rose and set on our perky lil' bottoms.  How could they ever want to cause us problems?
[via imogenc]
3)  We were initially drawn to our exes because they were: 
Pick a few!  
a) hot 
b) funny 
c) cool as hell  
d) really nice to us;  or 
e) good at doing that thing with their tongue.
That person, the one we liked so much, is still there.  
Except now after dating her, you know what comes along with the special tongue trick (read: craziness), and you've opted out of the package deal.

But...can't we still be friends?

I'm guilty, too, y'allfags.

I'm still friends with almost every person I've ever dated, whether we fucked once, casually dated, or seriously considered getting married.
[via serhumana]
But I know that not all lesbians are like that.  

You either burn the house down or you don't.  

CJ, for instance, is in contact with exactly NONE of her ex-girlfriends.  

She burns the house down.  
Waits until there's absolutely nothing left of value in the relationship, then torches it and walks away forever.

I can't.  I can't. 

But I know why I do it.  
I know why I stay friends with my exes.
I can make a good analogy, if you want.

At the bakery in Chicago where I work, if someone is suddenly fired, they change all the locks.  
Fuck up enough times, and you may find yourself pounding on the glass doors at 6 a.m. the next morning, locked out of the flour-y warmth, fogging up the glass yelling, "BUT THIS IS WHERE I WORK!"
Do you see?  
I want to be friends with my ex-girlfriends because I loved them.

They used to make me laugh.  
They used to make me dinner.  

I used to be able able to grab their boobs whenever I wanted. Wherever I wanted.  
Elevators.  Cars.  Restaurants.  I could touch any part of their body and not get anything worse than a hissed "Krista. We. Are. In. Public!!!
[by Chayita]
Once upon a time, I had a skeleton key - full access! - to my exes' thoughts, feelings, and adorable bodies, and then - quite suddenly - one day I didn't.  

The locks got changed.

Cut to me, pounding on the doors, screaming, "BUT THIS IS WHERE I WORK!!!"  
[by oneheavyfebruary]
When I meet up with someone I've dated in the past, I always feel as happy to see them as if there had never been any soul-wrenching, tooth-and-claw, tear-inducing arguments about who was the true owner of the Jackass DVD set.

All I remember is love.  

And how nice her tits were.
[via parisg]
Maybe having commitment issues means that, once you commit - whether it's for a night, a few months, or a few years - you can't fully let go.
Is that what's up? 

Are you friends with your exes?  

How's that workin' out for you?


  1. I've only ever had one successful friendship with an ex in my life. That's mostly because it'd been five years since I had last seen her and the weirdness and possessiveness and all that stuff had long since washed away. Otherwise, it never works and the only way I'll attempt is because I think I've got still got a shot at playing with her stuff.

    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    2. Has a guy ever given you mixed signals?

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      I assure you it’s nothing that you did.

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  2. oh man i was JUST talking about this with a friend. talk about good timing. i have no answers though. i always try to stay friends and it... sometimes works?

  3. God, way to know my life backwards and forwards. Am i really that stereotypical? Jeez.

  4. No.
    You can't be friends with your exes.
    It won't work. Ever. You may think it will work, but it doesn't flow with your current girlfriend, or their current girlfriend, unless you make yourself and they make themselves totally and completely unattractive to you or you to them. Women have an odd way of being beautiful in all kinds of ways, what may have turned you off before may turn you on more than ever when you see them again, or vice versa. There will ALWAYS be that ounce, or 1/100 of an ounce of love in there and that makes it not work. For those of you who have done it. Good luck and I a applaud your patience and self-control.

    1. That damn ex ruined our relationship by saying she is uncomfortable with me being arond. My gf now ex, chose not to stop going out spending too much time with her and leaving me alone her birthday and holidays to b with her ex. I finally let her go after a nervous brake down. She used the child as excuse to go to movues and football games with her. she put me last each time. I will never date a woman who sees her ex again. That is BS.

  5. The solution I found to the ex problem is just to physically distance myself from them for as long as possible. Can't go all Kryptonite on me if we're never in the same room, can she?

  6. Yes and no.
    It's a per case situation.
    So far, on the last 5 years there have been 3 friends, 2 burned houses.

    The 2 burned houses were the "we are totally getting married" ones.

    I want to get married and get very upset when that promise isn't fulfilled.

    The friend ones became such after around 3 years from breakup. That is about the time I need to heal wounds and have effective contact past de "hey" stage.
    Never trust them again, though. I might go to have drinks or random sex but my heart is FOREVER banned from their hands.

    They kinda know they deserve it and have no problem.
    So, we are cool.
    ... and I'm always the cold blooded bitch.
    That's cool as well.

  7. Nope. No way. House on fire until the fire department lights _other_ things on fire to _contain_ the fire.

  8. I’m friends with most of my exes. The exception is the first one, who was too weird and did some unforgiveable things, but she still tries to contact me every once in a while.

    But really, other than her I have maintained contact with them, and I feel absolutely no sexual attraction to them at all. When we hang out I sometimes even forget that we were ever together, even though two of the relationships lasted a rather long time (2 and 5 years). I know they are not into me either, and I’ve felt comfortable introducing my girlfriend to them and meeting theirs. I only feel happy for them that they have such nice and hot girlfriends! Now if they would only share…

    The last couple of years me and my girl have spent our summer holidays visiting one of them, staying at her house for up to two weeks, and there is nothing bad in the air. Everybody gets along.

    I do not think this is a general thing though, I feel like I might be the exception to the rule in my social circle. My current girlfriend does not see any of her exes.

    The same goes for my exes; I’m the only one they still see. I think perhaps this has to do with me being immune to drama, or perhaps it’s just that our relationships ended in a way where there was actually room for a friendship to continue.

  9. burn it down.

    gluten free burrito?? where? where did you get it???

  10. I generally have a VERY burn it down approach, whereas my gf is still close with ALL of her MANY exes. Yes, I am usually very jealous about it. However now, I am friends with someone I once had feelings for, but NEVER dated, fooled around with, or even kissed. And the gf is going crazy. What's that about?!

  11. BTW thank you for the post! You're the bestest.

  12. This post hits very close to home for me because it is such a huge problem in my dating life. I like CJ, BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, while everyone and their mother likes to stay friends with their exes. This causes annoyance, jealousy, and what I think is just all around BS. I understand the motivation and have tried to make it work with a few girls but its just not worth it. Being friends with an ex ruins relationships and friendships and its one of the only only characteristic of lesbians that I hate.

  13. My girlfriend and I are both friends with about half of our exes each. We agree that once you have put substantial time, energy, and yourself into someone, they still have worth in your life. Of course there should be a "cool off" period of time where you don't have contact, but then I think it's amazing to develop a new type of friendship, if possible. After all, sometimes our significant others were also our best friends at the time we were dating. It's tragic to lose both of those. I like having a friendship in which I can call my ex and say "Ok so you know sometimes I can be a nag, but this one thing is bothering me and I want to tell my girlfriend but I don't want to piss her off. How do I say it?" And then my ex will say "Well first off, don't use that bitchy condescending tone you always get..." and give me quality advice that only someone who has been intimately involved in the worst parts could ever give. <-- terrible run on sentence.

    I loved one of your posts that said something about sitting at a table full of people you love - your current girlfriend, your last girlfriend, someone you used to fuck, etc. That's totally my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

  14. I have to say, that it took six months to 'get over it' with my gf's ex being rather clingy. And as much as I truly am fine with it now... and friends with her... I would be lying if I said I wasn't very excited for the impending geographic separation that will prevent me from (hopefully) ever seeing the ex again.

  15. with one exception and one odd necessity my break ups are of the burn it down variety. The exception is the girl i dated when i lived in japan, we still talk.

    The second one i'm still not sure was worth it. the bitch stole my mom's great-grandmother's cookbook. I had the choice to come out to my mother to give the reason i didn't want to talk to her, or go back and make nice with the bitch that tried to shove me down a staircase and ask to have my family heirloom back. (i have the cookbook now) so i guess i got to burn that one down twice.

    As for my girlfriends being friends with her exes.....well my current girlfriend is friends with the father of her child, for obvious reasons, i had the choice to trust her or drive myself crazy wondering what's really going on when they go out for ice cream on monday nights. I don't want to be the person that is so paranoid that their girlfriend can't go out without being interrogated.
    I trust them until they give me a reason not to. If that happens......burn it the fuck down.

  16. Of course I'm still friends with my exes!
    You know, except for the ones who are extra crazy, drug addicts, married to men, still trying to call (excuse me, we only dated for 2 months, in which time I tried to burn the house down 3 times), or one night stands.
    But, the ones who I travelled across the country, the world, the depths of human emotion and experience. Of course we still have coffee, go shopping and send random existential text messages! If we weren't friends, I'd forget all those places, feelings, highs, lows, or at least twist them into something much more beautiful, romantic, and more of a lie! And you know, that leaves 3. (3 out of well, much larger than 3 is good, right?)

  17. im pretty sure i tried this. 4 days ago. and she went bananas and assaulted in me in a park.

    so id say no.

    in the past i have and it's great, and usually works out after a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng physical distance/time separation.

  18. I have not been friends with my exes, mostly for the burn-the-house-down-type reasons.

    I'd say that it's them, not me, that set the fire that burns the house down, but what does that say about me?!

    That I choose to date boundary-challenged chicks who do that one tongue thing really really well, I guess.

  19. No. Same goes for a lot of my ex-friends, too. Yes, I poured time and energy, love and hope, trust and happiness into those relationships - but when I have to cut the line, it is because they have violated my trust so deeply I can never reach the same level of comfort... just be able to relax around them, have a nice conversation without a tension headache starting...

    No, I can't do it. These are people who have attempted to destroy my life - I've learned I'm far, far better off cutting them off, out, burning the bridges, and throwing away the keys than to let them hang around and sap my energy and soul on the weak shadow of a friendship. There is so much more to experience in this world than the glare from the corner of a room from a "friend" who will stab you in the back as soon as you turn.

  20. jesus christ, this post hits close to home.

    at the moment, let's face it; i have nothing to do with most of my exes. mostly because they've tremendously fucked me over (one spread a very nasty rumour and still stands by it; another used me for a rebound for a month and a half before the girl she wanted liked her back; and things just fell by the wayside with the next.)

    i'm trying, desperately trying to make my friendship work with my most recent ex simply because this is a girl who was very much my best friend, someone who knows pretty intimate details about me and i her. for fuck's sake, i want to go to a foreign country just for her and to meet and visit her - but now i don't know if it's worth it. doesn't help that recently i admitted that i missed her as both my best friend and my girlfriend, and she goes on about some shitty noodle dish instead of responding to my statement. i haven't talked to her since (read: about five days.)

    i would just like one friendship, one that means a lot to me, to work, regardless of previous dating history. but i'm having a cool off period - along with a depressive episode, so that warp my judgement completely - so hopefully things work out. we'll see.

  21. Hell no. No way. I've tried it and it just leads to more heartbreak. For the same reason as you, Krista, I only remember the good things about them and then I forget why it didn't work out and then I have a spell cast on me for weeks trying to think of ways we can be friends or get back together again. Then I come to my senses and realize I still haven't let the relationship go! As hard as it is, I can't have contact with my exes.

  22. My very recent ex-gf and I are avid effingdykes followers and she just told me to look up your new post.

  23. I really liked the analogy, but sometimes you find that some of the locks weren't actually changed. Rather they were ... ehhh... rusty and oil-needy? Anyway, I try (and try and try and try) to be friends with my exes. Or at least give it a proper attempt. I find the "clean cut" of burning down the house really scary. And by being a slut, I'd pretty fast run out of friends if I didn't at least try.

  24. "Maybe having commitment issues means that, once you commit - whether it's for a night, a few months, or a few years - you can't fully let go.
    I've got the regular kind of commitment issues too, maybe they go hand in hand. All I know is that years later I can still be called on to pick someone up at 3am. And I can count the number of my relationships on one hand.

  25. Jesus Christ.
    Nice timing.

    Very close friends with one; in touch pleasantly with the others (with the exception of the crazy first one); making myself crazy with the most recent.
    Can't burn the house down. I should. But I can't.

  26. I drew one of those charts. It was skeery.

    Never stayed friends with my exes. Just couldn't do it.

  27. My (first and only) girlfriend is not, thankfully, friends with her ex (who I affectionately call "The Dummy."

    Talking to an ex? Sure. Sharing a meal? Maybe, but probably not. Cuddling? Aw, hell no. I'll go get the boxing gloves.

    But maybe I feel this way because I used to be straight. Hmm.

  28. It's been exactly a year since I broke up with my first real love. We made the mistake of hanging out as "friends" for several months immediately after breaking up. I made the mistake of thinking we could maybe work it out and get back together. So many of these posts here resonate with me. I only remember the good things too (and it was mostly all so good), and I think about her every day.

    She is with someone new now. I want so much to be friends with my ex, but I think that may not be possible right now, hopefully it will in the future. It hurts so much to know that we have nothing, not even a friendship. That is the hardest part. But I am also realizing that we never had "just" a friendship. We met and started dating right away. She was my best friend within the relationship, but I'm not really sure what just a friendship would look like. Yes, it's so hard to lose your best friend and your girlfriend all at once. Time will tell if we will be friends. And time is all I have.

    So at this point I would say "no", but I'm hopeful for the future. You have to let go of some things in order for new things to come into your life.

  29. My ex-gf is my bff for reals.

    Once we learned not to jump eachother, and the hurt and awkwardness of ex-ing faded, everything has been golden. We talk frequently and it works because, the more we become friends, the more clear it is that we were/are really incompatible as a couple(except fucking, there was a lot of fantastic fucking). But we have a mutual fondness because of that shared history, and it's great to not lose somebody who knows me so well and mattered so much at that time.

    Being a lesbian, I tried to be friends with my ex-bf. Wow. Not only burn the house to the ground, but also salt the earth.

  30. Exes can be friends; I am with all but 4 of mine (that's alot...), but AFTER the healing is done. (Not immediately, of course, because you'll be tempted. Then you're just fucking up the break up. You know, once you forget, when around them, that you ever saw them pee or brush their teeth.) You were drawn to each other in the first place, so why not. If you're a real friend, a good friend, then you can't just drop somebody after your compatability has faded and fizzled because you still give a shit. If you love someone, you always will, even if it changes form. Generally it is a good practise to eschew crazies, though. And it is nicest, I find, not to be the head-case with the jealousy issues about the exes, also. You're with B because you want B, not because you want A. That is why B is here and A is gone. Good luck, Krista.

  31. With the exception of my ex husband, that loathsome fucker, I was always close friends with my ex lovers... always was happy to see ex girlfriends, always had a hug for them always invited them to stuff, always cared how they were, We kept in touch I always felt like I still loved them even though we both knew it was over.
    Staying friends worked until I knew I was ready and set my intention for that once in a lifetime, get married and grow old together, for better or for worse relationship.

    Staying close friends works If you are not charting a path to a lifetime commitment. If you really want that life long love you gotta burn down ALL the houses. No calls, no coffee, no hikes or walking the dogs.
    It isn't that I hate all my former loves or that I wouldn't have a smile and a conversations If I ran into them....they just have no place in my life. We have friends but they are our work friends, family friends and our mutual friends.
    I burned all the houses and I never looked back.

  32. Any post that starts with Gertrude Stein can only get better.

  33. I have to have a relationship with my ex because we share our two kids. It's tough because she's a fucking nightmare who still tries to take all her shit out on me.

    I tried to be friends with someone I dated for a couple of years, but it just amplified why I broke up with her. Turns out that she was the same selfish, annoying, needy person as a friend that she was as a lover.

    So, no, I'd have to say the ex as friend thing hasn't worked out for me.

  34. I am NOT friends with most of my exes. I'm a bridge-burner par excellence - if the relationship hasn't gone up in flames yet, then we're not done.
    Also, love that there's a pic of Gertie in this post.

  35. I try to be friends with my exes but my current gf rly rly does not like that.

  36. Ok...... so......... I dated this bitch of a girl, who was always acting like she and her x were closer emotionally than the two of us were.... but then TELLING me that's not true, that's not true. (How can this not be true if you are telling me that she understands you better than anyone ever has?) Anyways...... That's the meat of the matter as far as I'm concerned. To put it more simply:

    It's fine to be friends with exes, so long as your girlfriend really knows that she is the one who you trust the most, feel the strongest connection to, find the most beautiful, and love the most.

  37. To invert your theory: I like the ladies and the fellas, and while I tend to stay friends with my ex-bfs it just doesn't work out with the ex-gfs. This may be because I usually end up with some crazy-ass girls, though...

  38. LOL @ "Breeders", that is new to me (I need to get out more). As always, I adore your blog.

  39. Every single ex. Except the scary one who used to stake out my house; the one I tried to take a restraining order against.

    And you know what? Staying friends with an ex inevitably fucks with my new best thing.

    And you know what else? I'm fine with that!

    Easy escape route for the commit-o-phobe.

    If anyone thinks she's going to make me chose between our new relationship and a love/friendship that has stood the test of time? She finds out the hard way that she falls second. I don't want any relationship with someone so possessive.

  40. I was straight until five years ago and I have found the close relationships my gfs have with their ex's to be the hardest thing about dating women. In the straight world it is not general practice to call your ex every day, or to text or call late at night (unless it's a true emergency). I found the incestuous gossip and the fact that the ex would know lots about me that I hadn't told her a bit distasteful.

    Plus, you only have so much time and emotional energy. I realized there was a reason my girlfriend had been mostly single for years, despite their adorability. They were getting most of their emotional needs met by ex's, and simply didn't have room or intention for a lifelong commitment to a new love.
    Frankly, you're drawn to them for (possibly) good reasons, but you broke up for good reasons too. You can only be really close with and truly love a few people at a time, so I choose those people carefully. If it doesn't interfere with your current relationship, great. But the re-use, recycle aspect of dating ex's of ex's etc is a bit icky. I like a lot of boundaries!

  41. everytime i see 'breeders' written i think of the band :(

  42. Only relate to the co-parent ex. I wouldn't characterize it as friendship, but neither would I call it war. It's probably a relationship that we'd both give up if not for the children, so relating tends to be just about them.

    OTOH I'm not really a fan of the burn down the house approach. I suppose if I thought a partner was still feeling partner-y toward her ex, I might be reluctant to proceed.

    I think in my case everything is colored by the fact that I have young children and everything I do affects them.

    I dunno. I'm all over the map with this. Shouldn't answer just after a weekend of singing high notes. Ha.

  43. Well, on the one hand, I'm still friends with both my exes. (And for the record, one was a guy and one was a girl, so it's not a dyke thing :P)

    On the other hand, they also both left the country for at least a year within a few months of a the breakup.

    No, I'm not that crash-and-burn a girlfriend - they were already planning the trips while we were dating. BUT I think having that period of time in which you don't have to run into your ex at random parties can really help - you don't have to deal with them till you're both over it, you know?

  44. my two cents: you wager the past/current/future friendship by starting a romantic relationship.

    all that investment can either pay off (love and happiness experienced in the relationship or it's a loss - but that's the risk of love.

    you always get SOMETHING for investment: knowledge - what was oh-so right, what went horribly wrong. a consolation prize, if you will.

    not an economist or financier.
    not friends with exes.

    let 'em go. let 'em grow. you do the same.

  45. I try.
    The boys I dated, out of the picture forever.
    My first girlfriend out of the picture.
    The two girls I saw between second girlfriend sprees: Yes and no.
    It's complicated.
    Especially depending on your partner.

  46. There is a lot of talk within and from outside our community about how our relationships don't last. How girlfriends and partners come and go so quickly. Perhaps this lesbian boundary thing is part of a complex reason for this phenomenon.
    Nothing pisses me off more than giving conservative "family values" constipated religious straight folk ammunition with which to say we don't deserve marriage if we want it.
    Also nothing pisses me off like those same asses saying we can't make meaningful commitments but working like hell to make sure we never have a vehicle with which to do it.

  47. I can't be friends with my exes because it invariably leads to me wanting to have sex with them again. Except the dude, for obvious, lesbionic reasons.

  48. I'm friends with one of my exes - but it took two solid years and then some before we finally got to the point where we can honestly just be friends. But he's also a guy and we're both gay and out now, so... that probably helps.

    My recent ex? Fuck that noise. It's been four months and that's not even close to enough time to think about being friends. She really fucked me around, though. Cheated, lied, started dealing drugs, lied some more... started dating her new girlfriend a week before we broke up... I don't think we'll ever be friends.

    However, we work together, so I still have to see/spend time with her for now. The whole situation sucks hard and doesn't swallow. Oh, well.

  49. I called my best friend after reading this post to tell her she HAD to read it.Yes, she is also my ex-girlfriend. Moments later, another ex texted me to just say hi. I hadn't heard from her in months because she wanted nothing to do with me. Oh, the irony. And the most recent ex-girlfriend? She broke my heart like never before. I can't handle talking to her but miss her like crazy. RULE: There are no rules when it comes to lesbian "dating".

  50. my ex wants to be friends with me, but i think its cause she wants me to be that support person again. she fucked me over hardcore, and i burned the house down. and shes trying to play with the ashes.

  51. Hahahaha. The last time I stayed friends with an ex, we ended up getting back together.
    I usually just can't do it, though. I always think "Oh shit did the fact that she just gave a high-five mean that she likes me again?" "She just laughed at my joke, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN."
    It's best to just keep them away, generally at all costs. Fuckbuddies, too.

  52. No, absolutely not. I am not friends with any of my exes, those bridges have been burnt. And if the girl I was currently dating was still cuddling with her ex-girlfriend, that bitch would be going down. Seriously.

  53. My girlfeiend (still getting use to call her that) is stil friends with her ex- boy friends. Ha Ha yeah that gets acwerd. Especily seens he is still very very into her and he makes it about as plan as day. And he is the let me sneek in as a friend and then let us date kind of dude. So coffie shops with us three or lunch is always fun.

  54. When my partner's ex tried to stay friends with her, we ended up nearly beating the crap out of each other in my partner's workplace. Or actually, I ended up nearly beating the crap out of her. We weren't very evenly matched.

    I didn't want to actually fight her [the ex], but she was very pushy (for someone who is probably 75lbs lighter and a foot shorter than me). And my partner is kind of a pushover. She would complain to me that her ex kept coming to see her, but was too nice to tell her to back off. So, I had planned on just talking to her but the ex had no intention of talking to me.

  55. I've got two ex's. One of which, we broke up just because of being a little bored of each other--we remained talking often, still enjoying each other's company. However, afterward, someone said I'd cheated on her while we were together. Cue her calling me a bitch and a cunt, and her not believing that it was a flat-out lie no matter what I said. We split ways, but after a few years I was COMPELLED!! to message her. I explained the situation better, apologized for behaving like an ass after she flipped out on me (I was butthurt) and we're loose friends!

    My other ex, I tried to be friends with. I was friendly and 'there for her', though we drifted naturally. But somewhere along the line she became convinced that I was leaking naked pictures of her on the internet, and also that I was bad-mouthing her on a forum I barely used at all. I haven't talked to her for months, and I'm content to have her written out of my life. I can't be her casual friend without her assuming I'm about to fart in her cereal without warning.

    That said: don't stick your dick in crazy. I never realize how crazy the gal I'm with is until it's too little too late, and I'm attached/all in love with this unhealthy person.

  56. Burn that mother down!!!!!

  57. Historically I burned down every single mf house just as soon as the relationship was done, with gasoline I might add...makes for a nice flame but then I got older and the sting of betrayal faded and I realized I didn't need another enemy in this world so I started making little peace treaties. It took a couple of years cuz I was a tad sluttish in the early days but I am happy I did it. In the process, I rediscovered a couple of really good friends though I think its notable that these were generally short term relationships where we both grew apart. Those that ended with lies or some strange woman in my lovers bed... well with those ex's, I smile, wish them a happy birthday and maybe text them when someone we both know in common is ill or dying but that's about it. My current gf is very cool but I suspect she wouldn't be if we were still in the early days of the relationship.

    Life is short and hatred takes up a fair bit of time and energy...happy to let it go

  58. totally friends with all the exes. and it is USEFUL! for example, all of my current really close friends were brought into my life by my ex. the girlfriend she had after me - fucking awesome, the one after that - also pretty cool and her current fiance is now probably one of my best friends in the entire world. my girlfriend has no problem at all with any of it.

    i mean, if you are looking for ways to make new lesbionic friends then your girlfriend's ex stash is a goldmine! you already know you have something in common because you fell for the same girl and as long as you don't have any pent up sexy feelings left, nobody feels threatened or gets hurt.

    that said - if you break up with someone because you discover they are a loon or a dickface then you probably shouldn't be friends with them. and maybe you should take some time out of relationships altogether to sit and have a think about why you might be attracted to crazy people.

  59. i've realized that it's a time issue, after about 4-5 years it's okay to be friends again, and the new girlfriend tends to not have that big of an issue about it cause it was some years ago.

    Yeah, i would say whait 4-5 years and then start to be-friend your ex.

  60. Nope. No. Not Never. NOOO! The ex= The devil. Whoever said that there will always be that 1/100 of love there is true. When you loved can you ever go to just good friends? Let us not forget about emotional infidelity. That exists also, and in my opinion, can be worse than physical infidelity. In some rare cases if you dated for a hot second and just were not compatible I can see being friends with an ex like that but no one you once loved.

  61. Seriously, just burn the house down. I (by my choice or not) do no befriend ex's. There is no point. There is a reason why this person is an ex, and even if it's all "Ohhhh distance" or "Ohhh family" as a break up reason, NO. Chances are they hate you or will hate you.

    The bad part is that, in a small lesbian community, sometimes you feel like you HAVE to be friends with your ex or the rest of the lesbos reject you or something ridiculous. It is VERY dumb.

  62. I HATE the idea of staying friends with your exes. I'm newly out of the closet, and haven't had a girlfriend, but I see what it's doing to my totally-platonic-relationship-gay-lady friend and her ex. I hate that her feelings get jerked around because her ex has a whole mess of issues to work through and uses her to no end.

    I hate it I hate it I hate it. If you can actually be friends, fine, or if you broke up in a very gentile way, fine, but otherwise it doesn't seem to work.

  63. This makes me want to seek counseling...Again! :-0

  64. I guess I'll be letting you know in a couple of weeks!

  65. Damn, I'm always the "crazy ex." so my exes don't want any contact with me! that's my way of "burning the house down": scare them until they run away screaming.

  66. buuuut yeah the lesbian community will ostracize you for being the crazy ex and then guess what! no more friends. unless you want to befriend straight men :p

  67. Burn that mother effing house down...

    Maybe I'm a lil jaded right now because Im the new girlfriend and the old girlfriend is a pain-in-the-fucking-arse. Even though they broke up over 6 months ago she is still making my life hell!!

    Seriously when ever we bump into her it becomes an issue and the ex starts crying and then OUR night is ruined!
    (pfewf...needed to vent- I'm trying my hand at being "understanding"...we will se how that goes!!)

    Oh...and I'm not good friends with my ex's either- on "friendly" terms but none of this 2am crying down the phone line bs goes on....

  68. I think you can be friends with an ex, but you have to lock the doors (and windows!) until you are NOT IN LOVE WITH HER ANYMORE! The tricky part is knowing when that is, and knowing when that is for her too.

  69. I don't know... I can't do it, and I can't stomach it when my girlfriends do it. Maybe I'm a jealous person? Or maybe it's cuz I know the reason I would stay friends with them is because I don't want them to move on (if I'm being honest), I want them to constantly be able to see what they're missing, and I don't want my girlfriends to be keeping around their exes for the same reason! So, no, no exes.

  70. I used to believe in friending your ex, but now I think it depends on the situation. I like being on good terms with the women that I have dated, especially the ones who are part of my queer community.

    BUT- now I kind of treat it as a bonus if friendship comes out of a failed relationship. As long as you can be cordial to one another I don't think you can expect much more.

    And you absolutely need a no contact period before you can even consider redeveloping your relationship into a friendship. I've definitely made the mistake of friending the ex too soon and ruining new relationships because of it.

    I think you can find a happy medium, you don't need to be buddies but you also don't need to burn down houses because queer community is too important.

  71. "everybody's scared of that place and is staying away. a little house on memory lane"

  72. Im not technically new out of the ''closet'' ive liked girls since the 6th grade but always heard how bad being gay was so i always dated dudes and it never worked because im so dude like. when i got a bit older i realized fuck people i love BOOBIES!!! and my first encounter with a possible girlfriend who i fell head over heels for broke my heart and we didnt even date. she played with my heart and emotions to the fullest possible. No matter how much i want to burn the bridge down at times she is one of my closest friends even though i never really got over her and still have feelings for her i cant leave. She is about to go out with her ex girlfriend so obviously she can stay friends with her ex's. yay her.

  73. LOL! so funny & True!!! "this is where i work!"

  74. I am so guilty of this. but even when I used to date guys...I try so hard to remain everyones friend. and I've been successful with all but one. But I still got them to at least be at peace with me. and as for my recent ex, we were together for 2 years, joint bank account, 2 dogs, the whole lesbian package. we broke each others hearts in the worse ways...and we live around the corner from each other, each have one dog but we visit, go out to the same places, still say "I love you," and yes we're best friends. puke. my theory with her is that we loved each other so much we became family and you just can't walk away from that shit. ya know? am I crazy? o and yes, alices whiteboard can be done here in chicago. all the queers have slept with each other. theres not one room full that can't make a web. it's so fucking gross.

  75. I think you're making a sweeping generalization there about Chicago. I live here too. Maybe I'm missing out on something....but then again I've only been out for 5 years. I guess I'd leave it up to someone else to make the white board....I think I probably missed a whole lotta shenagigans in my 20s. Speaking of shenanigans....I'll be at the Closet tonight....hahahaha! Haven't been there in a long time.

  76. there is at least 1 queer event a week here in chicago. search that shit.

  77. ok heres a start....queerer park, FKA, chances, offchances. OK GO!

  78. If both can manage to be kind, respectful, sane, minimally complicated human beings, ones with healthy boundaries and a sense of civility and wonderful manners, EX-FRIENDS AWAY!

    It's like what we dreamed of adults before we became them and realized there's no such thing, not really, and for the most part we're on our own.

    No, these are rare qualities, and lesbians almost seem to prefer to drift like dandelions in the winds of drama. Alas.

  79. holy shit this *does* hit a cord.

    krista, imagine something. imagine that LBD finally sets in - or some other horrible turn of events - and you and cj decide to split. of course you'll stay really great friends, best friends even, because of all those years of emotional intimacy / shared experiences / mutual love etc etc etc. imagine, then, that after a year or so of fruitless searching and late night binges at Fat Chicks, you meet someone else who kind of excites you, in a potentially long term way. but of course this new thing is really tentative, simply because it's new. all good? all good so far.

    AND THEN. *then* you decide to (of course! we're lesbians, right?) introduce your new thing to your old thing because, why not?? you're bffs, you still love each other in the lez-plato way, it's totally understandable. you and cj obviously don't sleep together anymore, and the break-up was mutual. but here's the deal, krista (and this is where i get REALLY adamant. really. one of the ladies who commented above said it best) :

    "It's fine to be friends with exes, so long as your girlfriend really knows that she is the one who you trust the most, feel the strongest connection to, find the most beautiful, and love the most."

    and that's it. no matter if you're platonic with cj, the fact that she *still* is closer to you than your new thing - necessarily! we're talking months versus yeeeeears - means that dater lady is going to be terrorized out of her brain by cj. this is such a simple equation.

    i'm the new dater lady now. and tentative gf is TOTALLY INCAPABLE (because, uh, she's a lesbian, and a professional one at that) of understanding why it makes my stomach want to vomit itself inside out when i see her chumming it up with her (gorgeous witty and kind, but mainly gorgeous) ex fiancée (fiancée!! versus our pithy 3 months). and so i've become the crazy insecure one, but really - really, is my take on the business so hard to understand?

    play down the friendship with ex's until your new thing becomes a really good, really solid, totally trusty thing. that's it. THAT'S IT.

    anyhow, thanks for posting about this. whewf. what a nasty, gripping subject ex's are.

  80. and look, that long comment was supposed to be cathartic. but i still feel gross and ulcered and upset about all this. i guess that means your post was pretty spectacular! :) keep on, keep on. i'm buying a tee-shirt.

  81. I burned the house down the first time.

    But the second time, I was in loveeeee, SO in love. and she cheated on me early on and lied about it for almost two years (aka FINALLY came clean, with the whole truth and nothing but) aaand then dumped me in a phase of slefishness, "I want to have my cake and eat it too" -Direct Quote from ex.

    I was heart-fucking-broken for the first few months. We've tried to be "friends" on and off, but it's weird as shit. Clearly, we both still have SOME feelings and it's not working out.

    She's basically mind fucking me, and still doesn't know what she wants.

    We have too much of a history to be "just friends".

    SO I'm back to having her blocked from every social network/blocking her number for the 4th time. I feel like I should just burn down the house and I'd be much better off.

  82. Eh dude. It doesn't always work out nicely for most ladyfags out there.

    Especially in my situation, this one girl pretty much fucked everything in my life, especially when it was just starting to get good. No, I'm not kidding here nor am I trying to lay the blame on her. She really is the fault. She broke up with me and everyone else knew it before I did. She even said that I broke up with her and our "friends" didn't even listen to my side. Not one. Soon after she came to me "Oh I'm sorry I broke your heart, ruined your life and reputation can we become BFFs?".

    Fuck no bitch.

    There's exceptions but those exceptions of exes are only when I really felt something for the person. And strongly at that. But yeah, bitches like I first mentioned? Let's just say it's fun imagining them burning in infinite hellfire.


  83. if you think of it in terms of: how long do I want to spend "breaking up",
    you might as well burn the house down.
    you haven't truly broken up if you're still talking ALL THE TIME and fucking around.

    break up, take a break, and if it's meant to be, you'll be friends someday.

  84. Now facing the choice to be or not to be friends with my ex. She's friends with all her exes but I'm really not sure if I can hack it. Maybe after a significant amount of space to get over the relationship. Maybe.

  85. Interesting - I'm still friends with all the guys I've dated and none of the chicks.

    It's also never bothered me when a new gf is friends with her ex - I mean, if they still had it for each other they'd still be dating... right?