I have a new love in my life.
Her name is Sunbeam.
She's always warm.
She waits, all softness, for me in bed. She's easy to turn on.
She never has cold asscheeks, and she's completely taken over my life.
I love her so much!
Sunbeam is my first-ever electric blanket.
I've never had one before.
I had no idea, you tramps.
Whenever I rhapsodize about Sunbeam, CJ presses her lips together and goes, "That thing's a fucking fire hazard unplug it when you leave the house they use so much electricity they're so bad for the environment fold it up and just lay it under your side of the bed you're going to get cancer from that thing."
I just snuggle deeper in bed, warmed like a delicious fried chicken wing under a heat lamp, and ignore her.
It is likely, had I known about electric blankets from an early age, that I would never have even figured out I was gay, since I would not have been so aggressively heat-seeking. You know?
It would have been swell.
And now I seem to prefer bedfellows with boobies.
Didn't we learn anything from Titanic? A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets, yo.
It's not like when I told you that I'm powerless in the face of white cotton underpants.
It's not like the time I admitted that I like to wear fur.
This one is really bad.
To begin - an actual letter from an actual reader:
Let me start by saying I love your blog. But I have a question. Why do you have so many pictures of women smoking? Smoking is really bad for you, I'm sure you know this, and it almost feels like you're glamourizing it with all those sexy pics. Are you a smoker? What's up with all the girls with cigs?
Sorry for the attack, I really do love your blog, can't wait for the next one, I just hate smoking.
Here it comes.
Um. Sam? You're right. I do post pictures of women smoking.
I'm attracted to smokers.
I think smoking is...kinda hot.
Don't judge me! I can't help it!
I know smoking is bad for you. I know it kills people. I know the tobacco industry annually claims the lives of thousands of people and that smoking is portrayed as sexy and mysterious in movies and television and I'm not exactly helping when I continue to post pictures of hot girls lighting up.
It's just...seeing a cute dyke smoking still makes my privates go "OK. Time for the sex."
It must be the ex-Mormon in me.
I'm magnetically drawn to things that are "bad."
R-rated movies. Gratuitous sex. Swearing. Strippers. Whiskey sours. Bikinis. Coffee. Coca-Cola.
And so many lesbians smoke.So many!
What is that?
Among straight society, the official message is out: SMOKING IS BAD. IT IS NO LONGER COOL.
It depends on who you're hanging out with, but now, most straight people I know feel like pariahs if they smoke. Nobody does it anymore.
It is a strange thing, then, that over in Lesbianland (The Happiest Place on Earth), it's still 1972.
What is it about being gay that also means you-are-quite-possibly-a-smoker?
Shockingly enough, I have a few theories.
1) We have, as a people, a Massive. Oral. Fixation.
Does this even need to be said?
We dykes are obsessed with mouths.
When other women's mouths are major providers of your orgasms, you're bound to start thinking mouths are sexy.
Don't act like it's not true.
We chew our pens to bits. Tug on our lip rings with our teeth. Gnaw on toothpicks. Pierce our tongues. Bite our bottom lips nervously.
And everybody knows: If you need gum, ask the lesbian in the room.
We like to keep our mouths busy.
Isn't smoking just perfect for that?
2) Smoking goes beautifully with drinking.
Lesbians are really good at drinking.
3) It gives us something to do when we feel uncomfortable in a group.
You say, "I need a cigarette", stretch, and get up from the table.
Often, someone else goes with you. Another smoker.
You huddle together outside and have a conversation that has a definitive beginning and ending point - no matter how awkward it is, the conversation is only a cigarette long.
And now you've bonded because you've excluded everybody else.
|[by shannon mccarville]|
4) Smoking allows us to look mysterious and melancholy.
"Mysterious and melancholy" is a great look for any age. Tons of girls fall for that shit.
|[via caitlicious the-madame-hatter]|
|[by helmut newton]|
Sometimes, if a really hot girl walks past me and is smoking, I'll even slow down and try to inhale her smoke.
That way it's like we're kissing!
I don't need your pity.
Even smoker's breath - I like it!
What is wrong with me?
And what's wrong with us?