Saturday, November 13, 2010

Lighting Up the Night

[by theoriginaldocmartens]
What's up, bean-flickers?

Guess what?

I have a new love in my life.
Her name is Sunbeam.  

She's always warm.  
She waits, all softness, for me in bed.  She's easy to turn on.   
She never has cold asscheeks, and she's completely taken over my life.  
I love her so much!

Sunbeam is my first-ever electric blanket.  

I've never had one before.  
I had no idea, you tramps.

Whenever I rhapsodize about Sunbeam, CJ presses her lips together and goes, "That thing's a fucking fire hazard unplug it when you leave the house they use so much electricity they're so bad for the environment fold it up and just lay it under your side of the bed you're going to get cancer from that thing."

I just snuggle deeper in bed, warmed like a delicious fried chicken wing under a heat lamp, and ignore her.  

It is likely, had I known about electric blankets from an early age, that I would never have even figured out I was gay, since I would not have been so aggressively heat-seeking.  You know?
[via liquorinthefront]
I would have wrapped myself in Sunbeam, made some cocoa with almond milk, and taught myself how to play two-sided cribbage.

It would have been swell.
[via urdabest]
But!  What's done is done.  In my need to share a bed with something - ANYTHING - that would warm me up, I developed preferences for my bedfellows.  

And now I seem to prefer bedfellows with boobies.  
[via dykesonbykes]
Sluts, today on Effing Dykes, I need to make another confession to you.  
Yes, another.

Didn't we learn anything from Titanic?  A woman's heart is an ocean of secrets, yo.

It's not like when I told you that I'm powerless in the face of white cotton underpants.

It's not like the time I admitted that I like to wear fur. 

This one is really bad.  

To begin - an actual letter from an actual reader:

Hey Krista,

Let me start by saying I love your blog.  But I have a question.  Why do you have so many pictures of women smoking?   Smoking is really bad for you, I'm sure you know this, and it almost feels like you're glamourizing it with all those sexy pics.  Are you a smoker?  What's up with all the girls with cigs?

Sorry for the attack, I really do love your blog, can't wait for the next one, I just hate smoking.

Sam S.

Hoo boy.
Here it comes.

Um.  Sam?  You're right.  I do post pictures of women smoking.

I'm attracted to smokers.

I think smoking is...kinda hot.

Don't judge me!  I can't help it!
I know smoking is bad for you.  I know it kills people.  I know the tobacco industry annually claims the lives of thousands of people and that smoking is portrayed as sexy and mysterious in movies and television and I'm not exactly helping when I continue to post pictures of hot girls lighting up.  
I know.

It's just...seeing a cute dyke smoking still makes my privates go "OK.  Time for the sex."  

[via iliketoforkmyself]

It must be the ex-Mormon in me.  
I'm magnetically drawn to things that are "bad."   

R-rated movies.  Gratuitous sex.  Swearing. Strippers.  Whiskey sours.  Bikinis.  Coffee. Coca-Cola. 


And so many lesbians smoke.
So many!
[by jessetodd]
Why do so many of us smoke?
What is that?

Among straight society, the official message is out:  SMOKING IS BAD.  IT IS NO LONGER COOL.

It depends on who you're hanging out with, but now, most straight people I know feel like pariahs if they smoke.  Nobody does it anymore. 

It is a strange thing, then, that over in Lesbianland (The Happiest Place on Earth), it's still 1972.  
[via clavicula]
Smoking is so normal among us dykes that it's more crowded outside the bar than inside.

Why, though?  
What is it about being gay that also means you-are-quite-possibly-a-smoker?
[via queerbrownxx]

Shockingly enough, I have a few theories.

1) We have, as a people, a Massive. Oral. Fixation.

Does this even need to be said?  
We dykes are obsessed with mouths.  
When other women's mouths are major providers of your orgasms, you're bound to start thinking mouths are sexy.

Don't act like it's not true.
We chew our pens to bits.  Tug on our lip rings with our teeth. Gnaw on toothpicks.  Pierce our tongues.  Bite our bottom lips nervously.  

And everybody knows:  If you need gum, ask the lesbian in the room.

We like to keep our mouths busy.

Isn't smoking just perfect for that?

2)  Smoking goes beautifully with drinking.

Lesbians are really good at drinking.

3)  It gives us something to do when we feel uncomfortable in a group.  

You say, "I need a cigarette", stretch, and get up from the table.  
Often, someone else goes with you.  Another smoker.  

You huddle together outside and have a conversation that has a definitive beginning and ending point - no matter how awkward it is, the conversation is only a cigarette long. 

And now you've bonded because you've excluded everybody else.  
[by shannon mccarville]

4) Smoking allows us to look mysterious and melancholy.  

"Mysterious and melancholy" is a great look for any age.  Tons of girls fall for that shit.  
[via caitlicious the-madame-hatter]

5)  You get to offer to light other women's cigarettes and look all chivalrous.  
[by helmut newton]
Now, I myself don't smoke (because it's fucking bad for you) but I'm wildly attracted to smokers.  

Sometimes, if a really hot girl walks past me and is smoking, I'll even slow down and try to inhale her smoke.  
That way it's like we're kissing!
I don't need your pity.

Even smoker's breath - I like it!  
What is wrong with me?

And what's wrong with us?
[via itsoktobegay]
Why do so many dykes smoke?


  1. I admit it. In theory, smoking is pretty hot. That last picture killed me. However, nothing ruins your night more than a hot girl's smoke triggering an asthma attack!

  2. I think that maybe its the portrayal of "I don't give a fuck, Im gonna go over here and look mysterious!" I hate cigarette smoke, hate the breath, hate the nasty teeth, I hate everything about it......But, at least 3 of the pictures you posted on here have seriously turned me!

  3. Smoking, aesthetically: hot. The reality of hacking coughs & asthma & totally inconvenient cravings when you're not actually in the mood for wanting a cigarette & knowing that you are a duped addict to a product produced by evil megacorporatefuckers: SUCK.

    I am a smoker, even though I know perfectly well that this shit is bad for me. It is my evil-yet-utterly-successful crutch in my solo travelling girl arsenal. Gives me something to do when I'm waiting around for buses in strange cities, gives me an 'in' on the crowd of smokers crowded out the front of every dyke bar in every city ever (except for Berlin, where you can still smoke inside), means I always have a lighter handy for lighting pretty girl's cigarettes (a trick which has turned into a winning trick MORE THAN ONCE IN MY LIFE. Yes, MORE THAN ONCE IN MY LIFE I have gotten to take a pretty girl home because I was ready with the fast-draw lighter, or the 'sure, you can have one of my cigarettes'. It is hard not to appreciate smoking for that). And I roll my own, which has some bizarre, crafty, vaguely apocalyptic satisfaction associated with it, like I am actually some awesome armaggeddon-surviving cowgirl with a bad attitude & a bad habit (or, god, where the hell in my brain did THAT mental image just come from?).

    None of which changes the fact that this is really bad for me, and I know it, but I still kinda love it. Like I love a lot of things that aren't very good for me, that I vaguely intend to 'do something about' at some more responsible & mature time in my life.

  4. I'm gonna comment on the heated blanket thing. Have you never seen The Little Toaster!? Even though I grew up in freezing cold, technologically depraved Russia, I knew about the existence of heated blankets because of that movie. You should go watch it now.

  5. I smoke but I'm trying to quit. Laugh-hacks aren't fun! Smoking is undeniably hot though! Both love it and hate it! Bah~!!


    I ALSO LIKE GIRLS WHO SMOKE AND THINK IT'S SEXY AND I LIKE SMOKER'S BREATH (i think this is because it's a sharp smell, which i prefer to warm smells) TOO. Obviously these girls should all quit smoking for their health and I would support them if they chose to do so, but in the meantime I think it's hot. I feel validated and not alone in the world, thank you

  7. i must say i feel relief... i always said i didnt like smoking but the smell of the cigarettes has an effect on me. my friends psychoanalyse me and blame my father or some shit like that, still... all my friends and last ex GF smoke but i don´t. does it has any sense?

  8. I don't know about smoking and I don't care, but I really didn't like those descriptions about the electric sheet. Besides everything else your friend send, if it's SO bad for the environment why are you doing it? Do you realize as an American you are using the largest proportion of energy per person of the whole planet? Do you realize you are the country that pollutes the most? Do you realize you are buying Kyoto shares from African countries so you can go on polluting? When are you going to start making a difference? Watch this if you will:

  9. Sadly, I have become quite anti, only because cigarettes now make me feel like death. The smoke half kills me, I think it is the fact that I live in the country now and am used to cleaner air.

    I used to love the smell of pipe smoke though, I am not sure I would be able to tolerate it now though.

  10. I too, am admittedly attracted to smokers (although I'm always trying to get them to quit). My lady smokes, and it doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as it should.

    And my electric blanket has a cool eco-friendly feature where if you're not pushing the button, it stops flowing electricity, so it's not as bad for the environment.

  11. Krista! Sunbeam is indeed killing the rainforests and iceshelves and low-lying islands! Wear socks.
    Smoking is disgusting and sexy. Maybe because you can play with your cigs, watch the smoke, offer to share with a pretty girl and, relevant to your first point, if it's cold outside on smoker's corner you can huddle together with the pretty girl whose cigarette you just lit for warmth. Not that you remember all this when the coughing starts up, but that's life for you.

  12. It's the only slightly phallic object I like between my lips. :)
    Smoking is hot- despite being bad for you.
    But.. Live to 99 without smokes and wondering what's up.
    Or lving to 70 rolling off your sexy bedmate and lighting up a fag every night?

    No competition.

    Also: Lesbians know how to drink = Understatement.
    I think we invented pre-drinking, post-drinking and beer bongs.

    Krista, can YOU do a kegstand?

  13. ME, TOO! I am in the "not a smoker but i prefer to date smokers" club as well.

    I kinda dig the way smokey-mouth tastes. Though I absolutely ABHOR smokey-mouth+coffe-mouth. That is the grossest thing ever.

  14. I'm so glad Krista explained this, because I'm horribly attracted to smokers too! I hate smoking, I hate kissing someone with a smoky mouth, but ohmyfreakinggod... Women who smoke make me go crazy for them.

  15. It ain't the dykes that smoke, it's the hipsters- and they just happen to cross over quite a bit. I'm 17 from a 'good girl' private school, and of my very non-alternative private school friends no one smokes, not even the gays. But whenever I go to a party with the people from the arty, alternative-culture type high school everyone smokes no matter if they're straight or anything in between. They also all have ironic hipster reasons for smoking; quote my friend, "I kept hearing people say how hard it was to quit. So I started so that when I want to quit I can show them how easy it is."

  16. So, just so you know, i totally cross my fingers as the page loads in hopes there is a new post.

    Also, i leave my lighter and matches in my car when i go into the lez bar, bringing only my cigarettes, so if i see someone i want to talk to, i just walk up and ask for a light. instant conversation starter.

  17. First, I admit I am a smoker even though it's not my proudest accomplishment and I think smoking girls are sexy.

    That said I think all the habits you mentioned, smoking, drinking, biting and chewing things are actually just ways of coping with feelings of nervous discomfort. To use some big words there's a lot of internalized homophobia that leads to higher rates of addictive behavior in the queer community. Especially in the lesbian community where we also get to deal with internalized misogyny and gynophobia. Of course this stuff is rarely admitted to or talked about so we just cover it up with some liquid courage and a cigarette.

  18. is it internalized homophobia that i LOVE second hand smoke...

  19. Krista, re: Sunbeam, unplug CJ's side of the bed, you'll cut your energy use in half.

    re: smoking - trust me those cute smoking 20 something dykes aren't going to look so hot in about 20 years. Cigs kill more than your lungs, they trash your face as well.

  20. Let's not forget finger nail biting. Oral fixation + a need to keep your nails short = terribly chewed nails. Almost as obvious a signal as the studded belt.

  21. The unglamorous and unromantic answer is, lesbians smoke because we're more stressed out, more depressed, more anxious from the whole being a minority thing.

    Yes, there's been studies. And we love studies...sometimes too much.

    I don't smoke anymore. But god do I miss it. I admit I only quit because it's a fantastically expensive habit.

  22. I have exactly the same problem. I would never smoke yet I currently have a crush on a smoker... and i've started to have dreams about smoking. ah! thank you for validating me though.

  23. I use to smoke...and I loved it! And the ladies, omg, it helped so much with kissing the ladies. However, that shit will fucking kill you. I lost someone I loved dearly to cancer and decided that was the end of smoking ciggs for me. IT WAS TERRIFYING.

    Also, RB23885 is right, those bitches (ciggs) will trash your face in 20 years. It's better to look lesbolicious forever.

    Oh, and I'm totally going to go buy one of Sunbeam's sisters tomorrow; it's so cold out!

  24. I have the exact. same. problem. :/

    Mysterious and melancholy and super fucking hot. Hat trick of doom for me right there.

  25. LGBT folks are up to 2 times more likely to smoke than straight people. This is due to the fact that tobacco companies directly advertise to us. This is a huge, very well known issue actually. If you want to be all dramatic about it (I do), this is a form of genocide in that they advertise directly to us, and using their product KILLS us.

  26. this is an awesome post and you hit on a lot of points i feel the need to comment on, so i'll just make a list to keep it easy to read

    1. cold ass cheeks are the scourge of the earth.

    2. happiness is a warm gun is my favorite beatles song of all time. I didn't really get them at all and didn't see what the fuss was all about until i heard that song.

    3. drinking and smoking go together like drinking and drinking more. i've been drinking (note the lack of punctuation), your blog made me want a cig, if i die of lung cancer it is because of this post.

    4. i rarely hit on women in a nightclub... just seems so tacky. but, outside, i'll use the pick up line of "got a light?" to spark up a conversation and it really works somehow.

    5. i'm not gay, but somehow watching humphrey bogart smoke turns me on

  27. Nicotine keeps me from strangling straight people. I smoke to keep others safe.

  28. I'm French. Everybody smokes : straight, gay, otherwise. That settles it easily.

  29. well i'm european. so i shrug it off as 'it's okay - i'm foreign. even tho i'm a US citizen.
    i will also say that none of my straight/bi/gay boy and girl friends have ever complained about it. in fact, i get many compliments on the exotic allure of expensive perfume and cigarettes! ;)
    very 'french.'
    i don't think smoking is 'sexy' but i've never thought it was unsexy.
    and obvs, it's the most legit excuse to follow a cute girl outside and corner her for a light when you have no real pick-up lines!

  30. I ain't a fan of smoking. I don't like cigarette smoke or smokers breath. But I agree that it can look hot. HOWEVER, it only looks as hot as the person doing it, of course. People don't get sexy-points by smoking, but smoking gains sexy-points if you already look fucking glam or hot and you light up.

  31. My lesbo friends are in their 60's and the smokers are dying of cancer. Stop Now. Life after 60 is great fun, if you are alive and can breathe.

  32. Yuck! IMHO Smokers are soooooo not sexy and so not cool. Kissing a smoker tastes like licking an ashtray. Don't ask me how I know that ... just don't, but I do and is is disgusting.

    I hope and wish that all you beautiful lesbians out there will stop smoking and take better care of yourselves because healthy is sexy and cool.

  33. I tried smoking when I was just coming out at the age of 28.
    I watched my daughter's best friend's hot Asian mom smoking and shared a few menthols with her.
    I thought I would make an almost spiritual sunday mornign ritual out of it with all natural organic American Spirits lol. never took off. I never became that cool dyke with a cigarette in her mouth.

    I am so lucky because shortly after that I became a hospice nurse.

    I saw so many many really nice people die horrible deaths of end stage emphysema unable to beathe, panicking wishing for Dr. Kevorkian.
    I witnessed Interesting and cool people dying awful deaths from lung cancer, esophageal cancer, bronchial cancer, congestive heart failure and end stage coronary artery disease that could not be treated any more.
    I saw people with truly beautiful souls die from the side effects of the chemotherapy they were getting to treat these smoking related cancers.
    I feel like I just got damn lucky that my experiment didn't turn into a tough addiction.

  34. Electric blankets are fantastic...congrats Krista on your new toy!! you can stay warm all winter without even turning your heat on in your house(or maybe on a very low temp) the electricity you are using can then help you save on the ridiculous price of gas these days...and plus it’s so much easier to be naked all winter without any covers on (doing whatever you would like if you follow me) when there is something nice and warm under you...(then you don't have to worry about keeping covers over you whilst doing fun bedroom activities)!!
    As far as the smokers thing it's pretty hot when a naked female who you just had sex with wants a few drags on an after sex cig (just to heighten the pleasure she just had)!!

  35. I don't smoke, but I like to hang around smoker's corners. Partly because it's a good place to take a break, but it's nice to have a casual conversation with people. Smokers are good company.

  36. If it were really like licking an ashtray, then we'd have a problem. In reality, it's really quite sexy. That said, it's not so sexy to smell like the things al the time. Bleh.

  37. You know what else would satisfy an oral fixation? nicotine gum. Just Saying.

    To be honest, I don't find it sexy at all. I know it's an addiction and all but it seems to indicate a certain lack of self-care, its no different from eating junk food all the time or not brushing your teeth.

  38. I used to be a hard core smoker, I started when I was 9. I quit a couple years ago, and I highly recommend everyone else do the same (you feel a million times better without, plus the moolah you save!) Having said that, every single time I go to a gay bar or on the night of the town I take a pack and a light. It's my way of getting chicks, man.

  39. I am the same way. I hate smoking, it's a horribly disgusting habit... But man, do I love the way smoke floats away from a girl's mouth. It's sexy as all hell. My lady smokes! I mean, I still dislike getting the smell on me (because I don't smoke) and don't like knowing she's ruining her internal bits, but man...

  40. I like how I read this the day I am (was) quitting smoking.

  41. so that whole smoking thing...i have mixed feelings about. not because i'm a mostly straightedge dude...because i mean yes it does look badass. but because of the shady marketing in the 1920's that took advantage of the women's rights movement. thanks to a member of the extended freud family edward bernays.

    here's an excerpt from the BBC adam curtis documentary "the century of self" that I'm talking about:
    [discussing edward bernays]

    "His first triumph was during the late 20s, convincing women to smoke. He surveyed psychoanalysists to determine why women wouldn't smoke. The reason, they said, was that women see cigarettes as phallic symbols that represent men's power, and feel it would be improper for a woman to smoke. Bernays hired a bunch of women to pose as suffragettes in a parade, and had them pull out cigarettes in front of a group of reporters, calling them "torches of freedom." He succeeded in making women's smoking an issue of women's rights, and women never went back."

    so that pisses me off a bit; some douche in the 20's fucking with people's emotions and what they stood for to make a buck.

    granted since the 20's the psychology of smoking has changed. it still rings a bit as a symbol of empowerment but of a different sort. just like riding a motorcycle it carries that sort of dangerous badass take control "i know it's bad for me or potentially dangerous but i do it anyway" vibe. taking control of your own life.

    or just looking damn hot.

    either way.

  42. oh hey it's on the internet:

  43. The attraction to smokers is the whole badass image I guess...and I appreciate the ease of striking up conversations with fellow smokers. In general, I don't like smokers' breath (though I smoke, I always carry mints). But I hafta say: when I kiss someone who's been smoking--which is usually accompanied by drinking--the combined taste of nicotine and alcohol in their mouth heightens my arousal because I know: I'm about to get lucky!

  44. HEY my dear co-readers!!

    This friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook and wondered who's the dyke in it, and since she looks familiar I've got serious problems with not remembering her name!

    Try to bitch it out for me and for my mate who's bleeding inside of this pain of not knowing.
    I know I can trust you!!

  45. ^^Or is it just that I've seen her on ED?

    ...which would explain that I'd remember a random person by face

    (damn my head hurts)

  46. I saw ex-Mormon and my face lit up! We're in the same boat, floating from young womens lessons on marriage straight into the depths of hell! Anyway, I attend a womens college in georgia and am surrounded by lesbians. While I am straight, I love hanging out with girls who are not all about pleasing men. It's refreshing. And so is this blog. Keep up the good wok!

  47. I know plenty about oral fixations. I began sucking my thumb shortly after birth (a practise that continued until I was 7), biting my nails as soon as my teeth grew in, chewed the thumbs from every plastic doll imaginable (mine or otherwise). I loved spoons, ice cream cones, erasers. In detention I devoured papermate pens until there was but an inch of plastic around the inkwell, and I smoked for 17 years (from age 11-28).
    I have to say that quitting was the best thing I coild have done for myself at that time. BUT! I try not to ostracise smokers. It is their body to do with as they please. And they do make good company.
    I also found other ways to occupy my pout. Straws, lollipops, beer bottles, and since I no longer bite my nails I find that tapping them on my incisors and twisting the pinky nail between my teeth suffice quite well. I suggest any of these for those looking for another way to get your fix.
    Some other points in your blog that I appreciated:

    The rodent, that wonderful Beatles song that will be stuck, GLORIOUSLY in my head for the next several hours, the quad shot mouth graphic, and Shannyn Sossamon in that Jamaica shirt (circa 1987- my mom had one just like it).
    I eagerly await your next installment:)

  48. agreeeeee..........

  49. I agree: smoking is visually hot, and kissing a hot smoking dyke is A+ (though I don't smoke). This inspired the Rule (between my wife and I): she gets either one cigarette every six months, or two cigarettes once a year (her choice). We drink, she smokes, we fuck. It's awesome.

  50. I think it looks hot in photographs, but in real life I'm borderline asthmatic so no can do. Although yes, if I'm sensing a drunken romantic tragic breakdown approaching I will bum a cigarette off of someone I probably shouldn't be talking to, and damn the consequences.

  51. I think the concept of smoking as "bad" is what makes it "cool" among the rebels out here. And as lesbians, we're rebels whether we like it or not. So why not go all out, right? Except it's really fucking disgusting and horrible for you and I will never get addicted to cigarettes.

  52. I disagree! There is nothing attractive about it to me. Athleticism + smoking don't go together, and athletes are hot, so no smoking :P

  53. I unfortunately agree. Not always, but once in awhile I'll see a really hot girl smoking, and I can't help but go crazy. It's a big problem, because I'm a singer, and theoretically should not be anywhere near them.

    The thing is though, not ALL girls smoking are hot. If they don't have the attitude, it's just a little death-stick.

  54. By the way, what became of the talk of merc? I would wear the hell out of Effing Dykes knickers, for example :D

  55. I think, possibly, the number of lesbian smokers has to do with where you are. Here in NorCal, I haven't noticed... well, any lesbian smokers. And being massively allergic to cigarette smoke (I once had a reaction off a coat that had been in a room with a smoker... several months before), I really notice.


  56. I don't smoke and neither does my girlfriend, but my three closest lezzie friends do. Almost makes me feel left out. :(

    Except I can laugh without coughing. Haha.

  57. Agreed; smoking is, aesthetically, very hot. I think it's the oral fixation thing. I know it's terrible for you, and I would never do it myself (nor could I, because I already have asthma and cigarette smoke is an awful trigger for me to begin with), but seeing a really badass chick lighting up is JUST. SO. SEXY.

    For those who've seen Fight Club... y'know that close-up on Marla near the beginning, when she's exhaling that big puff of smoke? Ohmygod. Helena Bonham Carter's sexiest moment ever right there. Sexier than the sex scene. Seriously.

    Yet despite all this, if I dated a smoker, I would undoubtedly be urging her to quit. I wanted Helena to quit, too, for that matter, even though her with a cigarette is unbearably hot. (Concerned for the health of celebrities... Not weird at all, I'm sure.)

    I think lots of things that are bad for you are inherently sexy, though. The whole idea of temptation and forbidden fruit and whatnot. It's a major turn-on. ;P

  58. So for some reason, I do NOT get addicted to nicotine. I've probably smoked like 3 packs in the past 2 years. Every now and then I'll want one, when something triggers it, but its really not that hard to not smoke. I am SO lucky.

    Although, considering the major turn-on effect, maybe I should carry a pack just in case I sees me a hot lady.

    You know what's better than cigarettes? WEED. YEAH. (which I also don't smoke that much, but more than ciggs)

    I. Am. So. Lucky.

  59. Gays love to smoke because the tobacco companies turned to us when straight people turned away from smoking. JR Reynolds even had a strategy entitled "Project SCUM," which was aimed at getting "undesirables," like gay and homeless people, to smoke. The internal documents came to light, and reveal clear contempt for queer communities.

    I like a good cigarette every now and then myself, but I think we queers need to kick the habit. The cigarette companies know they are shaving years off the lives of queer people, and they like it, because they profit from it.

  60. Aesthetically, smoking is hot. In movies/pictures/etc. seeing a smoking girl is such a turn on. But in real life cigs scare the shit out of me, because I like being able to breathe. And I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke on someone else, so I can't date smokers, cuz gagging when you get near someone isn't hot.

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