Madison was fantastic. There were lesbians everywhere.
Remember when I had that job where I was in a different city every day? Remember that?
Well, one of the perks of it was that I got to keep all my rental car points, hotel points, and frequent flier miles.
After two years on the road, I officially have more hotel points than God.
Now, because my lady is a special lady, I treated her ass to an elegant free night at the Holiday Inn Express in Madison for our 5-year anniversary.
You know. Timeless sophistication. Class. Style.
That's just how I roll.
*Totallynottobragbut* I am a Platinum Priority Club member at the Holiday Inn.
This means that, for two consecutive years running, I've stayed over 50 nights a year at different Holiday Inns around the country.
I used to be strangely proud of my high status. I'd fling my Platinum Card down on the marble check-in desk with practiced casualness.
I was world-weary.
I stayed in hotels every night.
I wanted my free goodie bag.
I had just made Platinum.
Impressed with my newly-minted status, I made a show of yawning while drawing out my Holiday Inn Platinum Card. (It's silver and kinda glittery.)
Teenage Male Clerk Behind the Holiday Inn Desk: Welcome. Oh, hey, that's a platinum card.
Me: (trying to sound bored while being incredibly excited at this recognition of my high status) Oh, um, yep. Travel a lot. You know. Stay here a lot.
Teenage Male Clerk: Wow. (pause) Your life sucks.
And he was so right! My life did suck! That platinum card I was so proud of meant I had spent a major portion of my young adult life in a Holiday Inn!
So anyway! I used some of my ten bazillion hotel points for our stay in Madison.
CJ and I had a good, trashy weekend.
We visited a gay bar called The Shamrock - affectionately known among locals as The Shame Cock.
We bought $7.99 pink champagne and got extra classy in the hotel hot tub.
But while walking about the city, hand in hand and feeling smug, we saw something I haven't ever actually seen in real life: A gay-hater with signs.
In Madison! One of the gayest cities in the Midwest! And no one even seemed to care!
I couldn't believe it.
She was wearing a pale pink sweatsuit and scuffed white sneakers.
She had a hand-lettered sign that said "Gays and Lesbians Want Your Children- They Recruit."
The other side of the sign had that tired old Bible verse from
All I could think was: Fuck yeah we recruit.
Dump your boyfriend! Come be a lesbian! It's super over here! Come bring your boobs this way! We'd love to have you!
In reality, we gays don't need to recruit.
People are lining up to be gay.
It helps that every celebrity on god's green earth is suddenly "admitting" to being bisexual.
C'mon! People are either queer or they ain't.
You can't recruit!
Even if I was actively trying to convince every woman I met for the rest of my life to participate in "the homosexual lifestyle", they'd all eventually have to make the plunge on their own.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Or, as CJ put it so tastefully: "You can grind your cootchie in a girl's face all you want, but she's the one who has to stick her tongue out."
I dunno. The idea that gays recruit seems funny to me, but conservative Christians take it seriously.
That's the reason they're against gays in school, gays in the military, gays anywhere...they somehow think that our gay glitter will rub off on them.
Or their children.
They should be so lucky.
*Attention conservative Christians: We don't want you. Even if we were recruiting people, and that actually worked, we don't take people who wear pleated khakis.
Seriously! I feel like conservative Christians spend more time thinking about gay sex than I do.
And that's a lot of time.
We homos don't need to recruit.
If we had a recruitment office, we'd have our feet up on the desk while we ordered pizza and lazily sifted through the 20-ft-tall stack of applicants.
I know it's fun to jokingly try to get your straight friends to switch teams when you go out for drinks, but...
Do you think it's possible to recruit?
|(by `Lðuie Banks)|