Saturday, October 2, 2010

Never A Love Like This Before

[via mymuffinroared]
How's it going, lezzers?

Ever since we moved into our apartment in Chicago, there's been all sorts of new noises to get used to.  


We had noises in Minneapolis, but it was nothing like here.  

Wailing sirens.  Car alarms.  Ukrainian church festivals having karaoke contests.  The kid downstairs screaming his 2-year-old head off in Yiddish.  ("Abba? Abba! ABBA!! AHHHHHH-BAAAAAA!!!!")  

Reggaeton blasting from cars with flapping Puerto Rican flags.  

The ice cream truck, which does a slow circle around the three bars on our block starting at 11 p.m. every night.  (It's actually awesome - the ice cream man, Ricky, will put whatever you're drinking into a milkshake on the spot.)

The junkman's truck rattles with a thousand glass bottles and broken bikes.  The baby next door cries.  All the dogs start barking and another police siren starts.

We've gotten used to it.

And underneath it all, at all times and at all hours of the night, there's always been a gentle, resonant sort of bell sound.

A quiet, calm sound.  It puts me to sleep.

I've always drifted off picturing large wooden ships pulling into harbor, a low bell clanging mournfully into the mist. 

I snuggle, safe and warm in my bed, wishing those sailors a safe journey home and godspeed.

Never mind that I live nowhere near water; that fact doesn't figure into my falling-asleep fantasy.  
I loved the bell noise.

You can imagine, then, how surprised I was to find a hidden train station four blocks from my house while taking a different route home on Tuesday.

Not a safe harbor. Not a peaceful lighthouse.

A Metra stop.
Full of Gatorade vending machines and men pissing onto the tracks.

Hmph.

Last week, I took the Metra up to Joliet, IL, and I brought a book along that I hadn't read for a really long time - The Sun Also Rises.


And whoa - sitting on the train in the sunlight with my feet slung over the armrests and the buildings and trees flashing by, reading The Sun Also Rises...suddenly it was like it was 6 years ago, and I was 21, riding the train in Italy to see my girlfriend. 

Lord god, did I have it bad.

I had just had lesbian sex for the first time, and I was faaaaairly sure I had invented it.  

I was travelling, I had nothing really whatsoever to do, I was reading too much Hemingway, spending too much time in cafes, and doing irritating "romantic" things like taking walks in the rain and feeling sorry for myself.  
[via hellogirls]
I was one of the Lost Generation.
Yeah.  
Discovering myself.  
I was in love, really in love with a girl and there had never been a love like this and it was pure and holy and not-at-all-about-me.  

[via tastelessnudes]
 I was obsessed.  OBSESSED.  

This girl was all I thought about.  All I wanted.  
I could have done without eating and friends and sleeping.  All I wanted was to be naked in bed with her and have her love me and we wouldn't need anything ever - it would be just the two of us and no one would understand or have ever loved the way we loved.
[via hipcumon]
Our own private little club. 


I loved her obsessively.  
[via implode]
And that's what I want to talk about today, homos.
The sliiiiiight tendency, in lesbians, towards obsession.  

Don't act like it's just me!

Haven't you ever been obsessed with a girl?  


Not just in love with her, but obsessed to the point where Garbage's "I Would Die For You" is a song you can identify with?

I guess it could just be me, but...I know enough dykes to think obsession is pretty common among our kind. 

I think it happens more often when we're very young.  
You meet a girl and lose yourself in her.  
Every. single. thing she does is beautiful.  
You're a little confused.
  
You're not sure if you want to fuck her or be her or just watch her from a distance.
(by Martijn S.)
You want to watch her hold a cigarette.  You want to stare at her mouth when she talks.  You love the way she dresses. 
You love having sex with her but you know your love is purer than sex.  
[via annacarli]
You constantly think about what she's thinking about.  You're certain there is no way she could ever love you the way you love her.

And she feels the same way.
[via thedepravity]
And you become obsessed with one another.

And it gets...icky.

Later, when you get a few years older, you look at that period of your life and go, "Ew."

Seriously, ew.  

I have whole journals full of incredibly shitty poems about my first girlfriend.

*NERD ALERT!* Here's the key to my diary.  Let's flip to a random page from 2004, shall we?

Holy fuck.  


I was a lesbian, and I was in love. 

Obsession ain't pretty.  
Here's another.  Jesus.
Do you like the jagged edges?  
Jagged like my heart.

Whole years of my life were given over to the worship of a hot piece.  


Did you guys go through this?  Tell me you went through this. Otherwise I am going to be seriously humiliated.  


Most of my lesbian friends have been obsessed with a woman at some point in their careers as carpet-munchers.
[via hipcumon]
But I dunno.  Maybe obsession isn't all bad and vomit-inducing.  Maybe it's an important step on the ladder of being a self-sufficient young dyke.  



Maybe obsession teaches us about ourselves.  Maybe you don't have boundaries with certain girlfriends so you can learn where your boundaries actually are.

The dark side, of course, being...what if you never learn to have good boundaries?  What if that all-engrossing obsessive tendency of your youth turns ugly?

It could lead to being an actual, grown-up lesbian, driving past the object of your obsession's house at 3 in the morning.  Or calling her just to hear her voice on the message.  Staring creepily at your crush in the coffee shop.  
[via thebeautifulyouth]
Or stalking her on Facebook.  


Lesbians, I'm a little embarrassed that I'm writing about this at all, and not all queergirls have been through this, so I just want to know...


Have you been obsessed?


How old were you?

Did you write atrocious poetry and then cry when you read it over, alone in your room?  'Cause I totally didn't.



How did it end?  Did you consume each other in the fiery flames of your obsessive love?  Or did you just...fizzle out?

Tell me about your obsession, tricks.  



I showed you my diary.    

130 comments:

  1. I always go through obsessions. I've written soooo much poetry it's sick. You should watch the movie "The Laws Of Desire" - if you ignore all the male nudity it's about this crazy male love triangle between Antonio Banderas and he eventually commits murder and suicide it's serious gay obsession

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  2. I hated poetry as in I still say I hate poetry but I wrote a poem to express angst I was feeling. Fuck obsessions. It makes me want to hurl but for some reason it doesn't seem to matter because I still obsess... hmm. I swear I am not obsessing currently. ha. Biggest bull ever.

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  3. Uhhh.... yeah. That whole part about no else having a love like ours? Totally rings a bell. I was 16 and I would lay in bed with her and we would sob because we loved each other so much. It was some nastiness. I think it's just a necessary "oh my god I'm in love with a girl and she gets it!" transition thing - but I had a lot of problems realizing not every relationship could/would/should ever be that intense again.

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  4. Of course I did. We all did. You have to be ridiculous when you first fall in love. Otherwise, what's the point?

    I was studying abroad and was wooed by an athlete/artist who refused to speak English and was so much cooler than anyone I knew back home. We made our own little world and didn't notice anyone else.

    Then I had to go home. We broke up on and off several times, tried the distance thing, and generally were miserable. I cried all the time to music she'd made me. She sent me elaborate love letters. I finally told her to stop and it was over. I felt sorry for myself for at least a year and became one of those intolerably emotionally unavailable people that sleeps with everyone. (Also a necessary stage of becoming a dyke, I think).

    Now, many years later, we're "friends" online but don't talk. I don't think I'll ever see her again, and I'm ok with that.

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  5. OMG...Guilty! Been there, done that. Gosh, she was my first girlfriend and I was absolutely obsess with her. I wanted to be with her 24/7, wanted to know how she felt, wanted to know what she was thinking and I would do anything or everything for her.. literary ANYTHING or EVERYTHING. I was never good with writing poetry but instead I would give her songs that as if were written for us or about us..Looking back I did go "Eww" a little at my 17 years old me. LOL! It was lasted for 3 months and a half, I think. I was so devastated when its over. I thought I would never love again, which are not true cos I did found a new girl friend after her a few months later. I wasn't speaking to her after we broke up and now god knows where she is.

    Currently I am pursuing this girl I am love with but after what I've been through during my younger years, I learned my lesson. I have to admit that I do stalk her occasionally on facebook and she was the only reason I made another facebook account after deleting the old one and told all of my friends that facebook are lame (I still think it is) but for her its exceptional. LOL.

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  6. I think it's more of a 'woman' thing than a 'lesbian' thing. We are all crazy and stupid and would do anything for the one we love... At first. That's how young straight girls end up with babies and nothing else... Cause sex and touching and being close and kissing are amazing... Gay, straight or otherwise.

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  7. the first time i fell in love with a girl it was a bit ridiculous, words like soul mate and eternity being thrown around the place. i don't know about obsessed though. she broke up with me once because i said i could only see her on weekends till the end of school. she was always getting mad that i didn't want to be around her ALL the time. so perhaps obsessed isn't the word.

    As for all the forever type words - it's almost 10 years later and she's still my best friend and we still talk almost every day so i guess there was some truth in all of that.

    Having said that. I have now been dating/fucking for about 13 years and I am just now for the very first time feeling something that i would liken to obsession. it's fun though. and that's what counts really. :)

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  8. Ah, obsession is a bitch. My first girl, I was 26, and it was literally love at first sight. Straight girl, of course. ugh... looking back at me then, and it's still me now. I'm not sure when she wont be the one I automatically think of when people talk about falling in love.

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  9. Wow...I had no idea what I did was so common. Haha! Not just obsessed, I was ADDICTED to her. Absolutely. And no one else understood us, which was just an even better reason to be together ALL THE TIME and cry ourselves to sleep when we weren't together. I couldn't even enjoy my life when she wasn't there. It was seriously unhealthy. And it has taken me a year and a half to get over it, but I have finally done it.

    I was sure that no one else in the world had ever experienced the kind of relationship I had. It was one of a kind. We never even fought. How is that possible? We were together for 8 months and never even fought...that's what you call dysfunction. Literally everything she did was adorable. Whew, I am just glad that is over, haha.

    I guess we were all young and stupid at some point, but then that's just to show us that we can never let go of our boundaries like that ever again with someone b/c it's just too awful and unhealthy and ridiculously addictive, even a year after it's over, you're still crying yourself to sleep over what you lost. I wasn't in love, I was just obsessed. And I didn't have a clue what to do w/o her.

    Good to know I wasn't the only crazy one.

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  10. When I was 17, I fell really hard for this girl. We were just friends, but I loved her so much sometimes I just wanted to explode. I loved the way she touched me,the way she smelled, the way she talked, the way she walked, the way she smiled, the way she laughed, the way she held me, the way she looked at me, and the way she listened. I loved absolutely everything about her. I was heartbroken when we both left for college. It was good for me to get some distance from her. I am happy to say that she is still one of my best friends to this day. We weren't in love, but I was so enamored with her that she was all I could think about for months.

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  11. When I was fourteen or fifteen I fell for my straight friend and obsessssed over her for almost two years. Not my first lady-lady crush but my first intense one; I was certain she would reveal she felt the same way. Spent two years moping and sighing and thinking, "Any day now...."

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  12. I agree that it's more of a woman thing than a lesbian thing, because as a bi girl I've done this with males and females. Then again maybe you don't get the mutual thing so often in het couples.

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  13. In my tomboy's closet is an entire SUITCASE full of old writings, much of it inspired by past obsessions or spells of emotional duress. I can't bear to get rid of any of it. Every time I see one of those Made for TV magic scanner thingies, I want to buy one so that I can hoard it AND have an empty suitcase, too.

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  14. HA dude. Welcome to my own diary. I wrote this after the first time I slept with the girl of my dreams who also happens to be fairly straight and who has confused me and ruined my life repeatedly for about three and a half years now. Yay!



    If there was one way to lie with you
    It would be soft and full of risings
    Like mountains that run to the west
    And our arms would fit wherever they could
    Holding their place as staunch as guards
    Keeping watch over a child or the night.

    The first kiss was half question half answer
    And made new kinds of both as it went on
    The first touch after that was charged
    Wound tightly
    Clenched and shivering
    Waiting for a sigh
    Like I always am

    And if I never see you like that again
    Dreaming next to me with your eyes in mine
    And my hands where they always wanted to be,
    Every sight of you as before
    Will be a little better despite
    And what has drawn me to you from the beginning
    Will have seen itself reflected
    And that is nearly enough

    But if we lie again as we did
    And our lips like coincidental travelers
    Arrive at the same spot
    It would be better, I think



    OKAY YOU GUYS now that I read that again some of it is kind of awesome. This girl doesn't know what she's missing.

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  15. When I was 22 I met a girl, I was just starting to think MAYBE I liked girls, and then there she was. Instantly we clicked, like completely, we were like minded, we were inseparable. But it actually overwhelmed me, I drowned in that love, it lasted two years. Two emotionally tangled years filled with tragedy angst and heart breaking joy (the obsession period was mostly for about 10 months, 2 years is the entire time that I knew her). I would've literally done anything for her, I would read and reread texts from her, I would make myself interested and knowledgeable in ANYTHING, didn't matter how much boring it was if it was something she liked. Thankfully I am pretty much over it now, it has been 8 months and I am beginning to see that not all relationships actually consume you, inside and out (thank god). Because the ending was horrific, I thought I would die at times, of heartache and sorrow. There was also a few tedious poems in the works. But yeah obsessed wasn't even an apt description, if I could've crawled inside her and just curled up there I would've been happy, she was on my mind 24/7 and she was all that mattered.

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  16. yeah. i did write a poem. writing her name at the back of my notebooks. bringing binocular in school to see her from a far. (yeah, i know, stalkery) we became friends but i didn't treat her like a friend i treated her as a goddess. we didn't became a 'we', i'm a first year hs student and she was in her junior year. i even go to the fast food chain she was working at one time and still my knees are shaking just seeing her.

    now, she's my friend on fb and she got a husband and a son. but i know that she liked me at one point in our hs years. im just afraid to admit it at that time coz we are in a catholic school. and lesbians doesn't exist in that world.

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  17. OH MY GOD you all have no idea how happy I am to read this post because I've been through the exact same thing, albeit in not as romantic of a setting, and I thought I was the only little creepy lesbian.
    I fell and fell HARD for this girl about 3 years ago (at 15; I'm 18 now), and spent the majority of the time since then secretly thinking she was the most beautiful, wonderful, fascinating thing on the planet. In the past year it grew more intense and I would overanalyze her every little move and word and study the way she looked and I wrote at least a whole notebook's worth of poems (some horrible, some decent) all about her. Mind you, we've been friends this whole time, and became very good friends in the last year. She was literally one of the only things I could think about for MONTHS ON END. I fantasized about her constantly, I would have to fight not to just gaze at her dreamily while she talked, and I was so unbelievably frustrated and sad because I thought she'd never like me. Finally we got together at the end of July after a long night of drunken kissing and confessing of feelings and we tried to be an item for awhile, until she broke up with me, two days ago actually--via fucking text message, but it's a long story. After this ridiculously intense little chapter I can't believe it's over. It's so bizarre.

    So that's been my first love, my first lesbian love, and my biggest obsession. It's strange to me to think I will probably never go in so intensely to another relationship, but maybe that's good. We all have to have that one super-intense little tryst before we can have real mature love, I guess.

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  18. dont you just hate it when youre obsessed, and the other isnt?
    totally shifts the power balance. . .
    not that thats the case anymore! i grew it off, mhmmm. . .yeah, sure good those days are gone! phew.

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  19. Oh God, I'm still doing it. Does this make me normal? I'm seventeen, have been in love with her for five years, and am OBSESSIVE. She's my best friend, and -this is the worst bit- she's straight. We had a friends-with-benefits thing going, despite, her straightness... I can't decide if she's horny or queer and not yet aware. But yes. I'm obsessed. I right her songs. Fucking SONGS.
    I can't even read music XD.
    I want to be with her all the time, I can't be around her without touching her, I have a box in my wardrobe of things I've hoarded from her (and not even clothes or letters, things like stickers and twisted pieces of paper that her beautiful perfect fingers touched).
    I am SICK. She is everything.
    Tell me it'll get better and I'll be a grown up lezzie who doesn't stalk girls anymore?
    O_o

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  20. Totally, 100% normal. I keep the letters in a filing cabinet and re-read them every once in a while to remind myself that it's not actually desirable to be 21 _ever again_.

    PS, Danni, it will get better but probably never quite go away entirely. I mean, _girls_, right?

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  21. Ha. This is totally not a dyke thing or even a girl thing. I'm a guy and I was/am totally obsessed with my (ex)gf. [GAH]

    She wrote me the most beautiful poetry that I had ever read and I would try but I'm a musician so my words would be too direct and not pretty sounding

    But yeah, the sad part is I only realized I loved her and thought about her all the time and wanted to be with her AFTER we broke up. FML.

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  22. Ha. Yeah. You know it's really fun when you've just figure out you're gay and you're doing that in your forties. It's REALLY FUN. Yeah. Lordy! 'Cause you know you're obsessing, sort of, 'cause for fuck's sake you're not a teenager. But you really can't stop.

    It's extra fun when they drink.

    I deleted all the stuff I wrote. That's maybe one difference between going through this older versus younger... but I promise if I'd saved any of it I would have shared. Pinky swear.

    Argh.

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  23. I'm doing it right now, guys.
    My first love, we're so special and unique and so on and off.
    She still wants to marry me. Spend the rest of my life with me.

    I don't ever want to feel this obsessed ever again.

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  24. ME! ME! This post is for ME! (Oh yeah, I am saying this to be ironic, but it's also true because I am a baby dyke). Lemme see, my first love was a straight girl who said she was bi, but all actions and outsiders point to OMG, she's THAT STRAIGHT GIRL. Yeah... circa 16-18. I am still 18, but after the final straw I am more or less willing myself to be over it. And yes, I did/do write [potentially crappy] poetry about it all over my internet journals. YAY, IMA DYKE.

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  25. my ex and i were pretty obsessed...she started working with me, cute little strawberry blonde boi, with the greatest chest i had ever seen. and i plotted and i ployed and after many unproductive advances at work, i fbstalked and asked her out.
    after a few weeks of hankypanky, i realized we had little to nothing in common.
    in the meantime, she realized i was the greatest thing to ever happen to her.?!
    it's been over six months since we broke up and she has threatened to hurt herself, she has cornered me in dark bars to make out, she has called me every good and bad name under the sun.
    ANYWAYS imho: my obsession? unhealthy but full of possibility. her obsession? unhealthy and self-destructive?
    ALSO, your poems are precious! i hope you're not too traumatized from sharing your diary! :)

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  26. Third and fourth grade. I was ten fucking years old!

    We wrote letters back and forth over the summer, I was absolutely insane about her, and then she moved to a different school. She invited me to her birthday party, but I was sort of a crazy bitch to her new friends, so she cut me off. I wrote diary entries addressed to her and used her name as my password for computer shit. I still do, but it's out of habit--using her as a password, not addressing diary entries to her.

    ...I didn't even realize it was hardcore homolust until college, and my being upset that we didn't talk anymore lasted YEARS. I haven't been that badly obsessed with anyone since, thank fuckin' god. (I'm 20 now.)

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  27. As a general rule I would say my obsessions really start after a relationship is over and typically last twice as long as the span of the relationship itself. This has happened to me more than twice, and I throw myself into the darkest depths of woo and woe.

    I've done some cringe-inspiring pining, including writing a complete "book" of every significant memory I can recall about my first lover and our secret relationship from ages 13 to 16, and have debated on whether to send her this extremely organized, detailed, and stalkeresque trash-novella.

    Because of this type of behavior and because she'd rather pretend this span of time in which we were completely immersed in each other never existed, I have not sent it. Nor can I read it.

    Once I was working on it in chemistry class in high school (this took years) and a classmate asked me what I was working so feverishly on. And I told her it was about a friend that was dead.

    Part of me hopes I never feel the need to do this again, and part of me would rather die than not feel strongly enough about another girl to do this again.

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  28. my girlfriend and i are both in our first relationship (first time i've dated a girl, first time she's ever dated) and she frequently tosses around words like forever, and i frequently joke about getting married.

    we're only eighteen and whenever i tell her we won't feel like this always, she gets upset and tells me i don't know that.

    i love her so much but want to pull away to make this easier before we get in any deeper. and at the same time i want to stick it out and believe her when she says this is forever.

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  29. The first obsession lasted 3 months, I was in the closet and married. It was hot and heavy and when she told me it was over I pined and wrote poetry for 2 months. The second obsession lasted a year, it ended my marriage and then she ended our relationship, unfortunately her obsession did not end. She followed me around until I threatened to call the police. Ugly, messy. Yuck.
    Currently, I am so in love y'all and we are mutually into fbstalking each other. I am a big believer in letting yourself go just a little (tiny bit) crazy over a girl, especially if she feels the same. Otherwise you forget you are women in love, human, and alive. It's more about being a woman, I agree with that a lot.

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  30. Nope, never happened to me. I have NEVER been obsessed with a girl. Ever.

    Now stop bothering me with these questions so I can go drive by her house.

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  31. yup, happened to me too. last summer, actually. i met her at a job that i had just started. i had moved 6 hours from anything i ever knew. i was so very in love. my first girl. she had a boyfriend. he liked me too, and i liked him. at the time i would have/did do anything for her. i drove her around so she could get spun, just to be with her. (only once though, after that, i said no more...and she stopped)i bailed her out of jail, i gave her a place to stay, i gave her money, i begged, borrowed and stole for her. then the time came when her boyfriend made her pick : me or him. i told her to pick him. and she did. what we had was tearing me apart, and even now, it still tears at me a little. i havent talked to her in a couple months, but i talk to him at least once a week. they are no longer together, and he always asks me why he couldnt have met me first. and so are the days of our lives...

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  32. you know, being 21 doesn't look nearly as embarrassing when you can write like that. jesus girl, that second one is less cheesy than best seller romance novels! YOU COULD MAKE MONEY WITH IT!!!

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  33. man, i don't have to write poems. the last girl I dated, and I guess obsessed about, shares her name with a famous pop star. So, I get reminded of her all the damn time. My car scrolls her name when she is on the radio, the DJs talk about her, they play her at the clubs. She STALKS me with her crappy pop songs. I hate it. And, I hate that fucking pop star with a vomitous rage.

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  34. Haha I'm still in that stage also. Baby dyke, is it?
    I've had two obsessions in the past.. 3 1/2 years. Only two girls. But the trade off for only being into those two girls, was that I fell so incredibly hard for them. Both straight. Both beautiful, blonde, and amazing.
    The first was a badass f you kind of rebellious type. I spent a good 2 years obsessing over her. I think she was my actual first love, because I always felt like I'd give the world to her, I wanted her happy more than I wanted myself happy. If she'd realized it sooner, she could've used me so easily. Instead, we spent the first year as friends, me supporting her through all her problems, and the second year me missing her terribly after someone told her I liked her and she cussed me out. I still haven't completely recovered.
    After that, I ended up moving.
    In this new hell, I met another amazing girl. This one much kinder though. A very happy, prom queen loved by everyone type. Also blonde. Beautiful. I miss her. Since I still see her everyday, I have plenty of opportunity to be obsessive. It's insane- if I say hi and she touches my arm in response I melt instantly. My voice breaks, I turn red. Serious issues. I want more than anything to have her be in my life all the time. I want everything to work out for her, no one to hurt her. It's to the point where it's obvious to all of my friends that I am completely lost in her.


    I hope this ends soon, it's pretty pathetic. And my friends don't get it. They just call me creepy. I'm 17, by the way.

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  35. It's funny you should post this, because I've been feeling like such a creeper for being obsessed with this girl that I just met (again) on a bus. We started talking and we sort of hitting it off, and she was sort of cute and awkward. I remember when I first met her I COULD NOT take my eyes off her (partially because she looked like Regina Spektor, but also because she's just really beautiful). So now we're going to have lunch on Tuesday.

    Here's the thing: I don't even know if she's gay. Her Facebook profile has no information about preferences (which I take as a good sign?).

    Anyway, I could talk longer about this, but as you can see, I'm starting to become obsessed, and the worst is that I don't even know if she's gay.

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  36. Oh Krissy Bean, you were so angsty! I love it. :)

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  37. Oh yes. Obsession. With a straight girl who just so happened to enjoy sex with me... and, later I found out, sex with her ex boyfriend. Lord help us. Lesson learned on that one. But somehow we're still friends and she's having a baby soon. And fortunately, I'm happily in love with someone else. Ah. Feels sweet to actually get over that period of angst.

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  38. Yes. Yes I have obsessed. I flew my ass 2000+ miles with only a hope of seeing her. (I did see her. She gave me a tour of the fucking West Wing [Yeah, that West Wing.] It's as dope as you think it is.) I then came home and realized I never loved the reality of her nearly as much as I loved what I had decided she was.

    I think the angst and obsession has more to do with all my issues/needs I've projected on to her and less to do with who she actually is. It's a lovely psychological tick I have.

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  39. Oh man, my entire childhood was filled with girls I "thought were really cool." yes, obsession is a better word for it. But the first real real one was with a girl I worked with.

    When she first started, I got my usual "she is SO cool" feeling. (This was a few months before I actually kissed a girl for the first time.) But I would watch her all the time. I'd make up reasons to go into the room she was in. And accidentally run into her and whatnot. I finally started talking to her about 2 months later. This made me crazy excited.

    After becoming better and better friends, one drunk night I made my move. We were on a party bus FULL of straight people, but I didnt care too much. We had our drunk bus makeout and she came home with me.

    After that we tried to date. We took a trip to Chicago together, and I got a tattoo to remember that trip by. but the relationship lasted about 30 seconds. She just didnt have the same obsession I had. I was heartbroken. And for a good long time. To this day we still work together, but we arent as close of friends as we used to be. Probably for the better in this case.

    I still have a few mixtapes she made me, and when I listen I feel grateful for having had this girl in my life. Just another piece of the history of me.

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  40. Argh. I made a ZINE about my first girlfriend. I didn't just write the angsty poetry and tortured prose, I photocopied and stapled it together and put it out there into the world so that everybody could know forever the depths of my obsession! That line about wanting to crawl inside her and just live there? Yeah, there was a whole double-page expressing exactly that sentiment.

    It was two years after the break-up before I could even be in the same bar as her without running out in tears, and I STILL (seven years later) get flopsy-tummy-butterflies when anybody with eyes as big and blue and serious as hers turn to me, even incidentally.

    Love is fucking rough drug with a long, long dry-out period.

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  41. Yes. Yes I have done this. Its sad, and when I look back I can only feel pity for myself.

    She was straight. While I was obsessing over her we decided to be roommates. It gets worse. While we were roommates, she got pregnant. Her dumbass boyfriend at the time knocked her up.

    Did that end my obsession? Of course not. I made special trips to the store. I cooked her food. I bought more fucking toilet paper in those months than I have in all the years since then. I loved her and pined for her. I made some anonymous Livejournal and wrote awful tortured posts. I have no idea what the name of it was or how to find it and erase it.

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  42. All the way, Krista. Age 17. We were in love. Romeo and Juliet style...(well Juliet and Juliet more like it). Holding each other and crying, missing each other constantly, all day every day spent together, tragic love poems-- The whole shebang.
    Looking back, I am so glad it ended when it did. But I recognize that it was an invaluable educational experience for me. I don't know how else I would have had the necessity of boundaries beat into my brain to such a degree.
    Proud to say I am now in a relationship with good, healthy boundaries, and the love is there too.
    'Juliet' and I are still friends but don't see each other that often. A good thing, I think.

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  43. This post came at the absolute perfect time.
    My ex and I split up because of the distant/I would probably be back in our mutually shared time for a month total (and only during breaks).
    I recently realized I was still in love with her, and my life has become a series of minute by minute processes. She found someone else.

    We shared EVERYTHING together. We fought over stupid crap, but made up for it by hugging and crying seconds later. We had bombtastic sex about 85% of the time, and I'd never felt so at one with someone. We're trying to be friends.

    It makes me feel good to know that I'm not the only one who's gone (or, as in my case, is going) through it. Honestly, I feel 1000 times better. Thanks, Effing Dykes.

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  44. corrections:
    *distance
    *mutually shared city

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  45. i don`t know why, but that seems to be pretty common among lesbians. i`ve been obsessed like, twice, when i was 16/17, and it was pretty bad. used to get drunk alone and call the girl crying, all that pathetic shit. i do think it helped me grow a lot, and now you could call me `normal`... or not.

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  46. I'm currently in a slightly obsessive relationship. its not to the point where i would ruin my life for her [i.e. talk to her instead of study or workout or eat] but i do love her very very much, enough to write poems and soppy letters and buy her flowers and most of the things you described. i have a tendency to be obsessed in most, if not all, of my relationships. i call myself a romantic but perhaps its an actual problem? it has caused me problems in the past but this relationship has been going on for 6 months and is currently the healthiest relationship ive ever been in.

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  47. well i donno what to call my obsession but i can say it was "sick" literaly coz i used to go to a certain beach where we used to meet and sat there for 2-3 hours hoping she might feel sorry n come to appologize but this didnt happen, this happened like 10 yrs ago while i was in my 20's n ofcourse i got over it after 2 breakdowns, bein in hospital like 3 times, loosing 20 ponds of my weight n hating all the girls in the world during that time, thank god now i have a lovable sweet lady in my life who really made me feel that life still have people worthy to live for.

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  48. AHAHAHAHA describe my entire high school life why don't you? Except without the mutuality bit, I had this thing about crushing on the unattainable ones that everyone was crushing on, male or female. I even wrote a song about the exact phenomenon :P

    Although I still quite like that one, as well as the poem I wrote about my first girlfriend, who did not like me as much as I liked her. The ones I wrote about the girl I pined over silently in the last few years of high school, though? The tomboy drummer who was the gateway crush of literally every bi and lesbian girl in our gender-segregated school? OH GOD, MASSIVE EMBARRASSMENT.

    oh god I am rereading them now. OH GOD THEY'RE SO BAD. let me c&p for you:

    There’s something I’ve been keeping from you for a while Am C G Em
    It does sound weird I know it’s not really my style Am C G Bm
    But you must be a witch cos you’ve stolen my tongue Am C G Em
    And everything I want to say is bound to come out wrong Am C G

    Cos you’re a secret C
    And you’re a supernova shine G
    You’re rainy weekends Em
    You’re unimaginably hard to just describe Am C G

    Cos you’re just so - Em
    You’re just so… C
    Nevermind. G

    *dies*

    if I did not have a non-deletion policy based on my regret at destroying my embarrassing grade two-three diary, this would be SO GONE OH GOD.

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  49. Funny story:

    Yeah, that may have happened to me. we would have "died for one another" and no-body understands us, and we'll always be in love. Horrible, firey, burning pit of a relationship. Then I woke up aged 22, but it's still this thing that happened. Yuck.

    Did you secretly notice the dark stains in her that you really didn't like, but you ignored, like it was a fleck of dirt on your screen and you were just too lazy to wipe?

    Do you want to take it back? It's kind of funny now, right?

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  50. I've been there... I'm not very poetic or something... but I did some crazy things for her... But then one day she left for 3 months and I suddently discovered that she is kind of toxic... So I broke up with her...

    Maybe I shouldn't start that in the first place, but fuck that. Now I've got the experience and I'm smarter... Probably would do it all over again.

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  51. I like your poetry! Especially the first one. I don't care if that means I have terrible taste in poetry.

    I totally get obsessive. I don't really act on it other than when I'm around the girl I am a bit stare-y. Oh, who am I kidding it's probably completely obvious :S

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  52. The grownup dykes will have to do an "It Gets Better" series for you babies. It Gets Better! It's been 30 yrs since I was 21, and frankly, I don't even remember the age, though it must have happened.

    Last year, in the tenth year of our relationship, my partner and I had discussions of the state of our lives together. Even though she'd been telling me every day for 10 years how much she loved me, I'd only just then been finally able to fully understand it and feel it as a real thing.

    It Took Ten Years! But then, I was a feral tomboy when she found me.

    Life has a lot of tricks left to teach you!

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  53. Oh god yes, of course. I was 15 and I went from never having kissed a girl to practically engaged to one in about 3 months.

    The summer after freshmen year of high school I was desperately insecure (weren't we all?). At the end of the summer, I had my first kiss and first relationship with a girl 6 months younger and 600 times more experienced than I was. She broke up with her boyfriend for me, but we lasted all of two weeks before she broke it off. I also learned that she'd accidentally (???) done some black tar heroin, while I had just been grounded like crazy for getting caught smoking weed. Oops.

    But then I met my first REAL girlfriend. She asked me out after a bowling date and we fell hopelessly in love. We managed to sneak two sleepovers before my mother caught on. I'm surprised it took her that long, since we were inseparable. We dated all through high school and through her first year of college, over three years. We were going to get married. I had a whole box full of love letters she'd given me. We had names picked out for our kids (and our dogs and cats). Then I followed her to college, met someone else, and we broke up. It was messy.

    But we're good friends again, three years later :)

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  54. Haha oh man you're so right! It does 'Get Better' little baby dykes.

    When I was 19 (it's always around that age eh?) I met the girl of my dreams (or so I thought). Dark hair, adorable button nose, hilarious, oh yeah and DDG (drop dead gorgeous).

    We went on some dates, I wrote poems about the way she looked in the rain (barf) and became 100% obsessed with her. So much so that I voluntarily became the 3rd wheel when we broke up and she started dating someone else. I hung out with them EVERYWHERE (she was obviously stringing me along and sometimes still sleeping with me). Finally I wrote her this heart-wrenching (and cheesy) letter declaring my love for her...and then it was over.

    Having said all this...a few months later I was on a single girl mission, and lo and behold I met my current girlfriend. We've now been together six years and a half years, just bought our second house and will get married at some point. And my love with her is not only mutual, it's REAL.

    Obsessive love is fun but rarely, if ever lasts. That doesn't mean it's not fun to look back on though :)

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  55. I was EXACTLY like that when I first came out.My first girlfriend was the rising sun from the way I saw it, too bad she didn't care as much as I did. Obsession is always more humiliating in hindsight when it's one sided

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  56. YES. I USED TO TOTALLY BE LIKE THIS. Ugh. Now I'm embarrassed about it, and applaud you for being so brave by posting your diary for the whole world to see!

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  57. TOTALLY head over heals embarrassingly OBSESSED! I came to terms with my sexuality last year when I realized that I was in love with my openly gay roommate.

    I dreamed about her at night, secretly looked over at her bed when she was sleeping, and wrote awful embarrassing music.

    When I came out to her she said wasn't attracted to me and I was devastated! After an entire semester of recovering, we ACTUALLY HOOKED up one night. Which rekindled my downward spiral of obsessive tenancies that I think honestly scared her.

    Fuck.

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  58. I was 26. A young 26. She was a therapist-in-training and I was her practice client - untill we fell in love, and I persuaded her to turn off the tape. She was actually WITH someone else, but we hung out over a 4th of July weekend, and made out, and it was the hottest thing that had ever happened to me. She even showed up at my door late at night a couple of times. Ai yi yi

    Then she told me she wasn't going to leave the woman she was with and I could. not. believe. it.

    For the next two years (two YEARS!) I was obsessed. Showing up where I knew I would see her. Moping around. Listening to Linda Ronstadt "Heart Like A Wheel". (Still a good record for a broken heart, BTW)
    And now? EW! I promised myself 35 years ago never again, and it's been a good life, many loves -- but never again like that.

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  59. Darlings, do you not miss it so horribly though?

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  60. I can't tell you how amazing it is to read this post and all of your comments. I just (key word on just) broke up with my first girl and felt everything that everyone has mentioned here. I'm still completely heartbroken, but know that obsession is anything but healthy. I'm just glad to see that one day I might be able to have a healthy, unobsessed relationship. For now I'll just keep crying myself to sleep . . .

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  61. OMG these comments made my night so much better!!! I'm procrastinating studying for a test, and I was actually feeling kinda crappy b/c I saw my ex (the one I obsessed over, of course) on campus today and felt guilty for not saying hi...(Yea I'm trying to get over that) and was feeling kinda down about not being over the relationship. But you guys were so much more stalkery and creepy than me! Haha it made me laugh.

    I'm so glad I have this dyke community in my life, even if it is anonymous and online. I'm not ready to be completely out yet, so it's nice to know there are people who feel the way I do.

    And older dykes, please keep reassuring me that it will get better! I haven't dated anyone since (2 years) and I'm a little afraid to start b/c I''m worried it will be just as intense. The first one hurt so badly!!!! Idk if I can handle being down like that again.

    I love you ladies! Thanks for making me laugh!!!

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  62. Well, yes. Been there.
    I even had the nerves to ask something like: "If we are alone 5 years from now, could we get back together"?
    She said yes. I said bring it on.

    Then she met somebody two months later and forgot to tell me. I was really waiting and there were only 4 years left! What could go wrong?!?

    Bad shit. Bad bad shit.
    That translated in rage, pure rage on my part that she politely "let me vent" thanks to Skype.
    Obsessions and Skype don't mix. My god.

    I realized that I was getting really sick: not sleeping, not eating, not doing a thing.
    I stepped out one day and said enough.

    That was like six months ago.

    Now I'm with this incredible guy that keeps my mind focused, my heart warm, and my creative energy running high.
    We live and breath on each other's art.
    I've met my muse, and it's a guy!
    I'm his and I'm queer!

    Surprises. Life is anything but boring...

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  63. Krista, I didn't expect you to look like that! But it's good to know what you look like so I can have a better idea when I'm reading your entries about tripping and such, haha.

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  64. I'm 19 and have been obsessed for a year now. I think we have a good balance...trying to make it last and last. naive, I know... but I'm hoping.

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  65. Oh, the sweet angst of unrequited love. We were 16, and she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. We became best friends, and I was madly in love with her. I had never been with a girl, but was wholly convinced that I was a huge homo.

    One night, she accidentally brushed my ear with her lips when she was whispering to me while we were laying in my bed together. She *REALLY* liked my reaction. So she did it again. And again. I was going out of my mind, and she couldn't get enough of it.

    This slowly developed into a kissing/exploring/teasing lezfest, and I. Was. OBSESSED. Every day I was consumed by her, being close to her, smelling the Herbal Essences in her hair, listening to her play the piano, playing with her beautiful long brown hair, writing -gag- poetry, all of the most grotesque things you could possibly imagine.

    After a few weeks she asked me if I was -gasp- "a LESBIAN." Because she was Mormon, and really not ok with that.

    Wait. What?

    Needless to say the Mormon-ness got in the way of the lesbian-ness and I lost her forever into the throes of heterosexual temple marriage and child bearing.

    The months following our parting were heartbreaking and endless. But they gradually got easier, and I thought of her less. Even now, over a decade later, I think of her once in awhile, and I miss her. I'm sure I always will.

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  66. I was 18, she was 27. There was no poetry. There were no tears. There was driving by her house. There was making other people drive me by her house. We did it one night and she left the country a few days later. It was heartbreaking in the way only an 18 year old can fathom. She sent me a letter once. On yellow legal paper. *sigh*

    There is a song by a very mainstream, very popular band that was written about her in the early 90's and it is the only song by that band that I can really stomach. Because, really, she was that hot.

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  67. I am. Right here, Right motherfucking now, and it is EXTREMELY depressing. This girl was my first kiss ever, and as a 13 year old I am allowed to be in this pit right now. I text her enough to blow up both our phones, and I think she likes guys instead now (I am horrified at the thought of this.) I have written drafts on my phone basically pouring my heart out and I have cried myself to sleep within the past 24 hours since I'm deep like that and pretty much hopeless as a human being. I need help, cause life just plain sucks.

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  68. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. FUCK.
    I gotta say, while it makes me look back at my own painfully recent tearstained jagged edged journal filled with omg-im-so-deep-and-tortured poetry and fight the urge to laughscreamcrypuke, I think its a necessary step in all young dykes journeys. Even though it can suck...a lot.

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  69. I was only eleven years old when I first saw her. She was the first girl I had ever had feelings for. We didn't actually become really good friends until I was thirteen though. I was completely hooked. I stopped hanging out with any of my friends, I wanted to spend every waking moment with her, hear everything that was on her mind, be the only person she told these intimate details to... She was all I could think about. I would daydream about being intimate with her. However, just getting the biggest thrill from resting my head on her shoulder, knowing she was sleeping next to me, or accidentally brushing up next to her. Even then I wouldn't admit to myself that I was in love with her. Our "friendship" was extremely unhealthy and in hindsight, she was probably the last thing I needed in my life. We knew we were going to different high schools, which threatened our friendship. So, she decided it was easier to cut me out of her life than to watch our friendship fizzle out. It was terrible. I went on to date guys and never admitted how in love with her I was until recently. I never ended up telling her how I felt about her and always wonder if she felt even a drop of that for me or if she really just saw me as a friend. We recently started communicating again and I'm so tempted to finally tell her...

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  70. Nice to know i'm not the only one. I developed a gigantic crush on a girl I went to school with at around 17. 5 years later, she is still about the most beautiful girl, with THE nicest ass, i have ever seen. Just smelling her perfume made my stomach do flips. I wrote about her constantly, every conversation and encounter was recorded. If she so much as touched me, i was on a complete high, and would talk on the phone to my best friend (a gay male) about it for hours on end. I constantly fantasised about what it would be like to actually be in her life. we got on but we weren't really friends and the pain of it would depress me to the point of tears. She appeared straight but I think the obsessive vibes i was giving out were glaringly obvious, so tortuously, she played up to it, and was extremely flirty, but nothing else. She was constantly unattainable, always just out of reach, and it drove me crazy. I think she knew this, and enjoyed it.
    Leaving school and knowing I'd probably never see her again was heartbreaking, but at least forced me to get over it. Though i still wonder what it would be like to bump into her again one day.

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  71. U-R H-O-T

    &

    love-love-love your blogs

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  72. My sixth grade language arts teacher- it lasts until now. I was 11 and totally didn't understand why I had those feelings, so there weren't any poems. A prank call though...

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  73. This says it all really - "An Honest Lesbian Relationship" Cartoon lesbians.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icNtxdunH34

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  74. My biggest obsession was when I was 18. I was so in love with this straight girl, she was all I could think about, all I wanted. It was a pretty horrible time in my life because I was trying so desperately to convince myself that I wasn't gay, despite my total obsession over this friend. Oh man, can you imagine having this world-consuming obsession over someone ON TOP OF trying to convince yourself you're straight so you won't be a repulsive, sinning homo? I was unbalanced as hell back then. Then she ended our friendship (probably because I was not very good at hiding my obsession with her) and it almost destroyed me. Dark days, dark days indeed. Took me years to really get over it.

    Nowadays I'm not so bad. I'm certainly not wallowing in self-hatred over my gayness anymore, but I still think I have a tendency to latch on to girls more than I probably should. But is it strange that now I feel happiest when I have someone to adore? I like adoring girls, I don't really want it to change.

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  75. Been through it. In high school I had it bad for this girl, who was tall and skinny with long curly hair, and a butch attitude. We made out when we were drunk and I always had trouble not focusing on her boobs. And it destroyed me when I found out that she had been seeing this dude I had also been fooling around with. It send me in to a very dark period, but it also helped me figure out that I'm a dyke. And that I don't want to be the back-up fuck for the drunk and horny. At least only when I really want it bad. :)

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  76. I was 19, she was 21. She is Swedish, she was so far away. We could have been awesome together, until my obsession distroyed everything in a matter of days. In hindsight it has been the best memories of love I've ever treasured. Everyone else after her will be a pale remedy of what I could have had.

    She's happy now with another girl and I'll probably never see her. But if she's happy in her life, I have no say in anything. Years will go by and I'll remember her every day of my life. You are the best Sara.

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  77. "You're not sure if you want to fuck her or be her or just watch her from a distance."

    YEP. Been there.

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  78. I was 27. A single parent back in college. She was 33 a psych nurse partnered with an attorney. They had a teenaged son. I was just barely coming out to myself, only a year and a half divorced...my daughters were 6 and 8. I still wasn't sure what was what. She was nicely unavailable. What a hot fucking time we had in her electric blue convertible, out in nature our only available privacy. I fantasized about living in this fabulous stone cottage with her. Some how she would miraculously leave her family and live with me. I had to have her. This was pre cell phone era. She had her own secret phone account. I left her messages she called me back secretly whenever she could get away. It was too intense. I was so obsessed and she HAD A KID WITH HER PARTNER!!!
    I said I couldn't see her any more. She moved out of state with her partner without warning, without saying goodbye. Broke my heart. The obsession didn't die. I wrote songs about her after this and thought about her constantly. I tried to find her after short relationships ended badly. I saw her at a brunch a few years ago. I was with my partner, her with someone new and it was sweet. It was okay. We hugged and said goodbye. I haven't missed her since.

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  79. The real question is -- what the hell were you doing in Joliet, IL?

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  80. I SO often say, I don't know if I want to be her or do her.

    Particularly about movie characters, like Michelle Rodriguez in Machete or Jennifer Beals in Flashdance.

    You stole my line!

    And I love you more for it.

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  81. it's not just lesbians, darl. I'm straight and i've been through the same thing, I think it's a universal experience...and god, never let it happen to me again :P

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  82. I think I am still in my hole of obsession. I am with a girl; my first girlfriend, my first lesbian plaything. She is the complete opposite of me, and I can't help but find myself staring at her every feature/motion. I love the way she holds a cigarette and blows the smoke between her lips, even though I don't smoke and find it to be a disgusting habit. I love the way she laughs at stupid things, because the sound of it makes me laugh. I'll stare at her constantly, undressing her with my eyes and having a little voice in my head say, "BOOM BABY!" She's hot. She's older. She's smart. She's bolder. She's my everything. If I'm obsessed, then so be it!

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  83. i totally obsessed. i was 15. i remember exactly when i met her. it's like a 3-second clip stored in the back of my head. i couldn't have loved her any more if i tried. i kept a journal. reading it now i realize it's basically just an "ode to jamie"... it was a tortured love at that. i was in love with a straight girl. and we were never to tell anyone about us. and i did whatever she said because i loved her so much. i DID love her so much it hurt. etc etc etc. and we were supposed to be togehter forever.

    but we were kids. and kids make mistakes. and we made a lot of mistakes with one another. very hurtful stuff. after 6 years of all that drama... it was over.

    and it would take another 3 years after that before we were friends again. and we are friends.

    she will always have a place in my heart. and i will always remember that love/obsession i had for jamie. and i will always remember the "torture" i survived loving her. i'm very thankful for it all now.

    -Dragon Slayer

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  84. Ah, to be in lust, I mean love. I fell hard for my first lover. I loved her sense of humor, her lips, her lashes and even her incredibly straight teeth. I could stare at her for hours. Problem is I never had the chance. After teaching me a thing or two, she wanted to move to more advance things like threesomes. Which would have been great if the third person would have been a girl. It was her -Surprise!- brand new boyfriend. She had been double dipping without telling me. Not that we were a couple, nor exclusive...she made that very clear. Just sex. No complications, no commitment. Easier said than done, lady. I was devastated. I was mad but pretended not to care. Until one night about a year after when I got drunk and sent her a nasty Facebook message. Now we are friends. Careful friends...we try to avoid spending time alone together and talking about sex. No poetry, at least none on paper.

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  85. Oh, yes! I am glad I am not the only one, too. My first girlfriend I was TOTALLY OBSESSED over. I stopped seeing any of my friends for a while because I was practically living at her house and we would cook dinner together and take baths together and read each other stories in bed and thinking about it now maybe it is a little sickening but I was SO attached to her and so INCREDIBLY devastated when she broke up with me that I was inconsolable for much longer than we ever dated. I wrote some (bad!) poems and eventually a play about it.

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  86. Oh, I went through a bit of an obsession, but it wasn't during the relationship. It was after. She dumped me via text after telling me we were "taking a break" 2 days earlier. I cried. And cried. And cried. For 2 weeks, all I did in class was cry. I wrote ridiculously sad blogs online and had little to no contact with people outside of comments. The whole ordeal lasted about 5 months. I was eighteen. Needless to say, it was not a shining moment in my life.

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  87. From my first year of high school until graduation, I was utterly addicted to a girl that moved into the area in 9th grade. She was perfect. Brilliant, beautiful...and the crush of every varsity football player. I envied her, wanted her, wanted to BE her, wanted her to look at me, everything. I'm pretty sure she thought I hated her, but really I hated not knowing how to act or how to decode how I was feeling. I e-mailed Girl #1 last year, actually, and came clean about those long-ago feelings. Her reply was surprisingly gracious and incredibly articulate, which admittedly caused an almost-forgotten pang of desire.

    My first lesbian experience wasn't until I was 19, and although the crush was reciprocated for only about 3 weeks, I'm still a bit sad and bitter about being used by Girl #2. (Note: it's now 5 years later)

    I do think that in my younger years, I was obsessed about boyfriends, too. I think it might be my personality.

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  88. OMG, like every time.

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  89. actually i´m right now obsessed by one girl. but sadly she´s just my friend (best friend). even though she knows how much i love her, she has no feelings for me. i´m only 19 and this shit is killing me, because i cant have her.

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  90. aw :( oh man let's talk.. we can share stories :)

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  91. Jesus Christ. Been there, done that. 16 was the age, we were both so deeply in love. She used to write me songs and some nights we would just talk on the phone and cry because it felt so perfect or just have like, 2 hour conversations featuring us saying "sweet nothings" (aka repeating variations of "I love you, you make me (insert whatever here)).

    She broke it off and I didn't bother to chase her because the relationship was friggin' exhausting. And she knew that too. And I just really don't think I can feel that way for anyone again, and I'm also terrified of feeling that way for anyone again.

    Even love has it's limits.

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  92. Woah, this blog is just amazing.

    Hey there, just turned 18, just joined dykeville.
    Heartwarmed by your tales of obsession, and the diary entries which look EXACTLY like this leather-bound bullshit I've got with me right now. We are talking very recent, very obsessive obsession. With a straight best friend. Ugly stuff, but hopefully in the past now.
    I know it'll all be a joke in ten years, when I'm having drunken laughs with my yet-to-be-discoverd homo-posse, but you just feel like your letting yourself down, just letting it fizzle out, when it actually took up months of your life.
    I wrote songs. I wrote over everything. Now I'm just a fairly happy gayteen with a totally wasted leather journal, loads of crap scrawled over her bedside table and a awkward renewed friendship with someone who, as it turns out, isn't the most beautiful, hilarious, god-let-me-fuck-her, slightly butch straight girl in the world.

    I think this thing probably goes on a lot, especially when you're young and confused. But when it's happening you're convinced no one has ever felt love like you, its too immense.

    Pfft.

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  93. Obsession. It really fucks with me. My biggest fear as a walking cliche- gay, vegetarian, artist- is that I am only as vain as my obsession. I only do these things to be noticed by anyone.
    Am I really gay, or do i just want to seem special- it's ok in the end though because I know I am gay and that I wouldn't want to be any other way. Am I forcing myself to be vegetarian so he'll see me, so he'll think I have a cause worth something? Am I really good at art or am I really good at putting on a facade?
    I've been turned down for so long that it seems obsession is the only thing that I can feel. I met a boy, and I thought I liked him. So many signs fluctuated my gaydar; perhaps there was flirting, he seemed like such a nice gay boy. (His mom and uncle are gay, does that help my chances?) But nothing transpired. Perhaps he was too shy, maybe I was.
    Or maybe I was addicted to that narcotic anxiety I got when I was near him, and knew he was watching. Were the panic attacks that came from the chase more exhilarating than the final goal-actually being able to talk to him, to kiss him, to sit with him- or was I too scared to fuck it up?

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  94. Honestly, I'm going through this right now. Sickening journal entries and all. She knows I like her, but I don't think she knows to what extent... she doesn't feel that way about me. Or seem to care that I like her.

    It's pretty awful and kind of really, really sad.

    I'm sure it will eventually fizzle out, though. I mean, my life is about to take a major shift and my mind will be on other things... hopefully.

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  96. yea i was 16 and was too scared to come out of the closet til i met this girl. dont make fun now but i met her over xbox =] we talked for a bit and i really liked her and she liked me. we would stay on the phone or on the box together for multiple hours a day. we lived 12 hrs apart and i was falling for her. we had a bit of an age difference, her being older then me. and we had phone sex on multiple occasions. at this point i would do anything for her. make her things, tell her anything she wanted to know, and do all i could for her. ive had plenty of people who i talked to but im not trying to sounnd cocky but im a good looking girl and me and her connected on an emotional level cuz we couldnt see eachother in person so it was not just physical. this went on for several months with her cutting it off and then coming back to me. she said we couldnt date cuz of the distance but we pretty much were dating. calling eachother baby, sexting, and spending hours together. then she cut it off again and started dating a girl she met that lives twice as far from her that she never met before. i even spent money to come up to see her and she still chose the other girl. while dating this girl she always told me how she said it should be me she was dating and how when i was up there she had to try so hard not to do anything with me. (while i was up there i was going crazy trying to keep out of her pants.SHE WAS SO HOT!!!) i was and still am in love with her but trying to get over it. now she is back with her ex she met irl. it sucks but its better then her playing with my heart....and im an un-emotional douhe bag and i resorted to starting a diary cuz of her. (shame) girls make ya do crazy things.

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  97. ok so LOVE this post. I am late to the game but whatever

    So i met this girl in eating disorder treatment (god i hope she doesn't check out this blog...) And we clicked. It was fun to talk about my shitty past with someone that I barely knew.

    And by the first weekend at the place I got all mopey that she wasn't there to hang around (she went home to get away from the place)

    little did I know that within the next two weeks, innocent friendship yearning would turn into all out obsessive fantasy..

    During meditation one day, all that came to mind was me making out with her...So that was a really good indication I wasnt straight... :) I started to get turned on by the way she held her fork, the way she walked, the hugs she gave. I would lie awake at night trying to sear into my brain the things that she did and said that day...

    I started to get a little freaked out by my behavior, so I tried, really hard, to play it cool. I really wanted to kiss her r hold her hand by the end of the last day but got too nervous. So I gave her this cute little stuffed animal that I made when detoxing from an anti-depressant.

    When I got home, all i could do was fantasize about her ad I going to coffee shops and target and laughing at dumb stuff ( her sense of humor was so good...) So i wrote a really awkward letter that I liked her and she hast gotten back but we still text from time to time.

    I was 21, and coming out :) It was so confusing and intense and beautiful!!

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  98. i fell in love with a transguy (f2m) who was just getting out of one of these relationships (very horrific ending; his gf was a crazy bitch, but they had been together for 2 years and if i asked him he would probably still say it was the most beautiful 2 years of his life or something)... wow i was obsessed and it was disgusting - and when i look back at it now i think, "ew omg i was LIKE that?!?" - but also, i needed it. except now the problem is that i have the mentality (not the looks, sadly) of Shane (i'm sure you all know which show i mean ;) ) = FUCK AND MOVE ON and it sucks. like, i would love a girlfriend, but right now i'm just a sex addict and girls are the ones falling in love with me... i don't mean that in a conceited way at all; i feel badly for them, because i know i was once in their shoes. :'(

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  99. I just broke up with my first love. She's probably out rooting one of her ex's.

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  100. Strange thing, I just found ur blog today and was reading it and #1 Crush by Garbage was playing while I read this. Synchronicity to the max dude. Anyways I am still trying to get over my first lesbian love. We were never "officially" together....I like to call it 'the longest relationship I was never in' She was living with me and we were having sex, all the time...I was in love with her before we hooked up. She new this, but used it against me. I wrote all about it in my LJ(which was at first a rambling of my obsession with her but has now just become my regular online journal). Anyways read it if ya want...I am still in love with her still, and I dont know why. She never loved me back. It has been a year since we last had sex and I still talk to her on facebook, but I never see her. I moved away to escape the bad scene I was caught up in, and she did the same, so now we are on opposite ends of Ontario, Canada. Anyways, I am trying to get over her...it's taking a long time, but its getting better. Anyways, thats all. I love ur blog by the way. :)

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  101. queer grrl in the cityFebruary 2, 2011 at 8:09 PM

    not that you need another comment on this subject but...

    i once published a whole book of poetry for the girl i was in love with. and mailed it to her as a surprise! i was seriously bitten by "the love bug."

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  102. Im still young. Ill probably be 17 by the time you read this. Maybe 18. I dunno. I remember when I had a blogspot blog it never notified me when someone commented on one of my posts, so who knows. You might never see this. But whatever.
    I was really young. Maybe 12. (this is a true stereotype, but) I played softball over the summer before my 8th grade year, and There was this girl who was a junior on the varsity softball team who pretty much set my gaydar (not that I knew what the fuck it was at the time) on FIRE. She was brilliant, and nice, and was rocking the pixie-type (she didnt shave it until college) haircut, and listening to non-mainstream music, and it was like i ran facefirst into a gay brick wall. I wanted to BE this girl, and I wanted her to like me and I tried so hard to get her attention. And even after all these years (5 or 6) I STILL sometimes feel that way, even though Ive grown up considerably. Ill probably always feel a bit like this.
    Dunno why Im telling you this, but I felt like sharing. I hope you have a wonderful day.

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  103. My first girl crush? Yeah. Yeeaahh. Also happened to be my best friend, and once I realised that I liked her as somewhat more of a friend, I fell rapidly into that sneaky obsession spiral. Complete with bad poetry in my journal and falling asleep fantasising about being with her every single night and completely losing my shit whenever she sent me a text that could be completely open to interpretation. She was the most exquisite thing I had ever laid my eyes on and every time I hung out with her I was in physical agony because I could -not- touch her the way I wanted to.
    My mother even found out that I was gay because she -read my diary- and then threw it at my head when I came home from said best friend's house one day. Yeah.
    After a couple of years, though, I finally convinced myself that it was never going to happen and started trying to get over her. It was a very long and very painful process. That would have been about four years ago. Then I went through a pretty bad breakup last year and while I was still feeling delicate and vulnerable, I get a text on New Year's Eve from that best friend confessing that she loves me and that she has always loved me and I wanted to yell and scream and break things.
    I was in public, so I didn't. But the urge was great.
    Unrequited love is the shittiest, particularly when it's obsessive unrequited love, and even more so when you find out -years later- that that obsessive unrequited love wasn't quite as unrequited as you thought.
    That's my tidbit.
    Peace.

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  104. Oh god yes. Currently, even. But now I'm old enough to know it's ridiculous. And I still do it.

    (There's the gorgeous girl, and she's perfect and amazing and ohgodisshegoodinbed but I had to move. And you would think that by now, pretty much twice the amount of time I dated her for later, I would be over it entirely. No. Lamest of Lame.)

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  105. i wish i had read this at the time it was posted. i was going through a long drawn-out break up with a girl i was ABSOLUTELY obsessed with. thought i would MARRY and raise BABIES with. good GAWD, was i OBSESSED. still am in some ways, though i realize now what a TOTAL SHITBAG she was to me. controlling, demanding and worst of all, CONTRADICTORY ("move in with me!"... "i need my own space"..."move in with me!"...repeat). not to mention that come to find out she is a SERIAL MONOGOMIST. srsly from one relationship to the next without so much as a breath between them.....aaaand i let her get away with being a total BULLY because obsession is blinding and all-in-all BAD NEWS. but, i think you are right. it is a painful and necessary step in finding your boundaries, learning the difference between yourself and another human being and not being afraid to stand up for YOU. Thank JEBUS that's behind me...now to get on with the rest of my life, which will be even more AMAZING because it will be, um well, more REAL. Thanks for the lesson T, you can be sure I won't be forgetting it!

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  106. Oh yes. I was 17.
    I was so obsessed that I drove her out of love with me. It started as sooo sweet-- me coming out as bi, her telling me about her previous girlfriend, but then she was a little distant (family troubles) and I was obsessed.
    Dark thoughts, scary awful poetry, cutting, sending her notes, livejournal posts, sitting next to her so that our SHOES TOUCHED OMG!. Stealing kisses in the bathroom. And she finally told me to go away. And it took me FIVE YEARS to get over her.
    GOD. It is awful. So glad I'm away from that.

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  107. Thank you everyone for all the stories! 19 and going through a breakup - these are just what I needed to hear.

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  108. Totally went through that. I too was in Europe which made it more romantic, a more intense obsession I think. It was almost an obsession with being in love, my first relationship and love with a girl. I've had problems since then (6 yrs ago) not understanding why every ltr after that couldn't be so intense and why I couldn't fall in love so hardly again. Why it couldn't be so innocent and true. I loved that intensity. I still crave it even today. I chalked it up to being young. Just the other day my current gf and I were talking about this; that after each relationship you become more scared and jaded, giving less of yourself to the other person. I want to hope that's not the case.

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  109. I was 16. I thought she was wonderful in every way. Our actual relationship lasted all of about three weeks. We remained best friends for 5 years.

    Top tip to fellow readers:
    Don't revisit your first (obsessive) love.

    (You may end up in a completely heart-shattering threesome with her new obsessive love. She may not understand why this upset you, and break off contact with you. You may find out a year later from her art blog that she's living with aforementioned new obsessive love.)

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  110. i wouldnt say obssesed
    but
    why cant i just get myself out of bed
    why cant i just find any interest in anything anymore
    this is boring
    what im writing
    im going through this completely apathic phase
    i just cant tell if its about her or just a bout the fact that my life makes no sense at all

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  111. It began when I was sixteen, but I was still with the girl two years later, until we broke up to go off to college. Just before we got together, and for quite some time afterwards, I was completely consumed with thoughts of her. About a year into the relationship, though, I feel like we slowly became real people to one another. We started disagreeing, spending less time on the phone, and, though we loved each other very much, we understood that we both had flaws.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is that the obsession has the potential to fade/evolve into something more realistic, should the relationship last long enough.

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  112. It is so true. I'm 21 and just got out of my first relationship with a girl like 2 months ago, we were together about 5 months. At the start I thought she was the most incredible person I'd ever met, then she changed. Right after she ended it, I thought I'd be fine since I wasn't obsessed with the new her, didn't even like the new her. But no, I've been obsessing over the girl I fell for in the beginning ever since - plotting ways to get her back (as in, fixing the new her).

    It gets so much better than that tho. About a month after we break up, she gets together with one of my close GUY friends. She's a lesbian. I don't get it. Now im stuck obsessing over that original incredible HER and having my world view flipped upside down because the new her is suddenly bi (wtf?!).

    Anyone have a cure?

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  113. I'm nineteen and I feel in love for the first time like a year and a half go. Not just love unrequited love (something about that phrase makes me want to vomit, it's so mushy and sweet and it actually represents something so awful). She was one of my best friends and I spent almost all my time with her and all the time I wasn't thinking about her and she knew. she knew and she used me and my obsessive love almost ate me alive. So..yeah. I've been through that. Although I'm bi...does that make a difference? =P

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  114. I was 14. It was my best friend. She was the only one I felt I could talk to. She got me to quit cutting myself. She even had some times where she stopped me from committing suicide. I was completely head over heels for her. She was all I thought about day and night. I wrote so many poems about her. She "liked" me. I thought I loved her. Things did go wrong. She moved to Oregon about 2 or 3 weeks after we told each other we liked each other. And then I realized she was completely playing me. And is probably straight. The end of that nightmare.

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  115. Falling for this hot ass flamenco-dancing model like getting hit by a triple-decker Fung-Wah bus while having a picnic in the middle of the fucking park! God only knows variety of human I am now but at the time I was 1000% straight and working abroad. I was 20, she was 26, and I didn't even know why she talked to me given that she was so cool. Little did I know she was absolutely infatuated with me...eventually we slept together at her place, due to circumstance--and it blew my mind into a thousand chunks...even months later just the thought of it would send chills down my spine. I was so mad at her for confusing the shit out of me, but that madness disfigured itself into love. We lived in our own secret non-english, non-sensical world for a long time...i'm even talking fucking horse rides in the fucking rain people..then I left and ended my rendezvous in lezbo land..

    ..and a year later we're still pathologically obsessed with one another, while each dating dudes...crazy silly stupid fucks is all I can say..but bless you all for suggesting that there's an end in sight, cause i've probably developed a couple lifetime's worth of disorders because of this trick

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  116. This blog seriously made my year!!!
    Having just gotten over an obsession myself, I feel normal reading all the comments.

    I was 15 when it all started and thought I was 'straight'...but I was really in denial. Our friendship started to get intense, GOD I swear she was just manipulating me to play with my psyche. She used to always hold my hand and say sweet things to me, that we'd be soulmates if we didn't have anyone. Mind you she was straight and still is according to fb.

    We faded, and I tried to save the friendship but it didn't work. Last yr at a school camp she cried in my arms and told me how much I'd had an impact on her o_o and that she'll always love me(as a friend)even if I don't want her to. Well this yr I confessed to her my feelings and that I wanted to move on and let go, she didn't reply but it doesn't matter cause I said it. (And that helped me move on)

    I guess the obsessive part is I saved photos I liked of her to my pictures and bought the perfume she used to wear and thought CONSTANTLY about her, fantasizing and making her into this amazing goddess that wasn't realistic. However I healthily threw everything she gave me out (except letters). Now I'm 19 accepted that I'm into girls and am ready to actually have a relationship :)

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  117. I'm so glad you talked about this! I'm really young and I've only recently accepted that I'm a lesbian, my best friend and I fooled around some last year. And I was OBSESSED with her... still kinda am (shh)... our relationship blew up in our faces, she got scared and backed off completely and stopped talking to me almost all year, and my rents found out about it which was a disaster in and of itself...
    Trust me you have nothing to be ashamed of... my diary looks a lot like yours does.

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  118. You think your poems were bad... I also wrote them in English, but really bad English (Since it's not my first language), so it was like yours, but sounded more like the underdeveloped emo-kid that go to school for "special children" x)
    Sorry for bad grammar, but at least THIS is not a poem! ;)
    //Swede

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  119. oh jeez. I'm in the same situation but reverse. My girlfriend is totally in love with me. She loves everything with me. She wants to cuddle ALL the time, hide her face in my clothes, inhale my smell. When we watch a movie, she wants to cuddle and kiss all the time. I'm getting so annoyed. She wants to talk about emotional stuff a lot, like our relationship and our feelings and analyse them into pieces. I'm a bit annoyed. She's lesbian and I'm bisexual and she is my first girlfriend. I'm still not sure about my sexuality because it changes from time to time... I've always been equally attracted to both men and women but never had a relationship with another woman before; and it gets on my nerves. She's extremely sensitive and emotional and I have serious problems handling it. I know I am the problem in our relationship. I broke up some time ago but we got back together because I missed her to much. I really love her but I'm not sure whether I'm in love or not. I feel terrible.

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  120. Heh, I too had this. We were 16. She was gay, I (thought I) was straight. I'd just broken up with the latest skinny-boy-who-wore-more-makeup-than-I-did and she had a girlfriend. I obsessed over this girl for 18 months before my best friend finally told her that she needed to sleep with me to save my sanity.

    We got together. We were in love, we were going to be together for eternity, we were going to amaze everyone with how perfect our love was. We broke up. People hated me for doing it, she hated me for doing it. I hated me for doing it. We were were never going to find anyone else that we could ever love as much.

    And then we started dating other people, forgot about each other and moved on with our lives.

    Three and a half years later, we bumped into each other at a party. Had a laugh and a joke about how psycho we both were back then. Took each other's numbers. And now, amazingly, my First Ever Love has stayed with me for the last 3 years, we have a normal, healthy relationship, and both agree that breaking up and having other relationships was the best thing we ever did.

    And she's just agreed to marry me! (We're English, we can do that shit over here)

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  121. I obsess. I obsess like you wouldn't believe. But I've poured my heart out in anonymous comments too many times.

    Long stories short: I'm 17 and I've had two obsessions. One was my first real girl crush. Coolest lesbian on the planet. We played waterpolo and smoked pot together. She was a badass. She inadvertently got me to come out simply by saying that she feels awkward around closeted people because that made her feel too gay--and I couldn't have that, now could I? We eventually confessed our love for each other, but in a totally down-played fashion. And never hooked up.
    My current obsession is straight. It's been like this for a year: I bend over backward to make/keep her happy, she makes me smile, we cuddle on my couch to watch movies, then hug goodbye when I walk her to her car. That is all. And it won't change.
    I think I'm doomed to obsession every other year or so.
    I have poems about both girls locked away in my ipod.

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  122. I thought I fell in love with my best friend (I'm pretty sure this is just what lesbians do). It actually seemed pretty legit because our relationship is the most emotionally intense of any kind I've ever had. So yeah. There was that. Wrote poems and shit, lost my shit and got engulfed in this story world craziness.
    Then we started cuddling and stuff and I realized that... actually, I wasn't in love with her, I just really, really loved her and felt really affectionate toward her. We've never fucked, or kissed and it's good.

    More recently I lost my shit over this art school girl from my city. I don't actually live there (can't staaand cities -- dilemma, right?), but that's my city. Anyways. Ridiculous stuff. I'm a bit of a vagabond, and I'm not there often, but we met and had this stupidly cliche (and therefore totally awesome) romance. She was actually too cuddly; in the night I got too warm and couldn't sleep, if I moved away at all, she was right there, nuzzling me. There was naked swimming, holding her and kissing her, stoned and so elated it was just... heaven. We had the worst sex ever, but I still think about her because it was all waaay too sweet. I'm not sure if it's over, but I'm trying not to lose my shit over her anymore.

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  123. Predictably became obsessed with my straight best friend just last year. she saved me from depression and was probably my only friend. I thought she was the most perfect girl to ever walk this earth. The only time I was happy was with her. She lead me on. The whole experience was reeeeally painful. After getting over it we slept together and broke up. I now have an obsession with a guy who has a girlfriend and decides to use me when it suits him. Ah well. Life sucks.

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  124. I am the femme in a lezzy relationship and its my partner whose obsessed with me and honestly I dont see it as a bad thing. Im currently in a 7yr relationship w/ her, 4yrs together, 3yrs LDR.. Maybe Im obsessed as well coz if im not, it will be easy for me to let go coz we`re not seeing each other that much.. i hope i can get over this obsession..

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  125. Oh, God... yes. Ironically I was in this obsession stage with my first girl friend, and at the same time doing the complete crazy self-hating I'm-going-to-hell-for-this type thing, and of course we were both closeted... When I think back about it I feel bad for the both of us.

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  126. I was obsessed. Obsessed. With a teacher working at my high school. She's straight and was married with kids. yup. I also did the same thing and I started writing a diary, which happened a little before I met her, so it actually chronicles my journey. I can't bear to look at it now. Too teenage angsty.

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  127. Freshman year of high school...Ugh. So much poetry.

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  128. I miss her as a friend (we never touched each other) since 10 years now, she knew she was a good force in my life but I was married (since 9 years) to a wonderful man and still am in a relationship with him (since 20 years). Based on our history, we met with opposite convictions but in a good sense. I 'opted out' to avoid a triangular chaos and had reached my limits. I divorced amicably, in the dyke scene I was hardly attracted to others...I MISS HER!!!

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  129. Sometimes I get freaked out that this will happen to me. I met this girl and she is incredibly charismatic but she sleeps around a lot (we are 17) with other friends- and literally every girl melts around her-and I know she would sleep with me but it wouldn't mean the same thing to her as it would to me (although she is so hot and I want to, i don't think it's worth it for all of the confusing turmoil and obsession blah blah). I'm resisting haha.

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  130. Wow. I am not crazy. A few years ago I met a woman and slowly became obsessed with her. She's beautiful and fascinating to me, intelligent and funny
    We are both married to men. Last fall we went out for coffee and she told me that she was desperately looking for a girlfriend. I was speechless and blown away as if a ton of bricks hit me. I said all the right things, discouraging cheating. She agreed, bit seemed disappointed, especially after I refused to go shopping with her, told her that I had to go to work. I was reeling from this experience for months, to this day. It brought all the latent feelings and attraction I have for women and specifically for her to the forefront. I could not eat for three months and lost 10 lbs. I was wild amd posted some crazy pictures on fb looking for her attention. This had the opposite effect and I think she thought that I was nuts. Slowly I began to lose hope. After this period of upheaval I recovered and we have become good friends since and I am still strongly attracted to her. In one conversation she made ot clear that she has no intention of being unfaithful anymore, and that she doesn't want to complicate our friendship with a romantic relationship. I still think of her all the time still love her dearly still think she's incredibly sexy. Thought to cut off the friendship many times because of the intense feelings but I care for her so much it's too painful to bear. I'm hoping it will fade but I tend to obsess. But not usually over a woman. My relationships with girls in the past were fun and easy going. Theoretically we'd make the perfect couple - soft butch tough femme. I fantasize jpw things would have been if we would have met in college or I would have tagged along with her that day. But alas, we cannot rewrite history, and maybe we're the better for it. A thought that has strengthened me is that everypone is put in your life for a reason - we have to learn from one another - and I will always be a dedicated friend even if the fact that I can't have her hurts because besides my attraction, she is a beautiful soul and she still deserves my love.
    You are all amazing. Thanks for the blog and making us feel sane.
    Much love!

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