Were you aware that Halloween is this week?
BECAUSE MIDGEON P. BUNDLESWORTH HAS BEEN COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS.
There are 16 other photographs (none of which are Photoshopped), all with Midge in different Bavarian outfits.
I have become that lady.
My co-worker, Anna, volunteers at the Red Door Animal Shelter here in Chicago.
The other day, while making elaborate fruit tarts, she told me something very interesting: every three months, there's a bunny meet 'n' greet at the shelter.
A sort of "hoppy hour", if you will, for rabbit enthusiasts.
You can get your rabbit's claws clipped, meet other bunny owners, and have themed photos taken with your bun.
I started to get very excited.
But it was still three weeks away!
I waited and waited and waited.
And then! on Saturday, I threw off the covers, went "It's today! It's today!", loaded an angry Midge into her carrier, and went to the shelter.
Like a new mother, boring the shit out of everyone around her, I longed for other girls to talk to, ad nauseum, about Midge.
I was hoping for champagne and maybe one or two cute vegan girls.
I was not prepared for LesbianFest 2010.
You guys. There were lesbians everywhere.
*An older dyke couple with eight (holy shit) rabbits and subtly matching sweatsuits.
*Younger dykes nervously clutching their carriers.
*A motorcycle leather dyke who owned three bunnies and had a custom-made cowhide carrier. (Stylish, yet not ostentatious.)
Every. other. person at the shelter was a lesbian.
It was like I could see my future.
This was where I was headed.
Over a shared hummus platter, I started talking to the older lesbian couple.
One of them, Sherri, said, "Really? You only have the one bun? Why, then, she needs a friend."
Her partner jokingly said, "Don't listen to her. That's how all this (gesturing to the eight rabbits lined up on a table with a backdrop of a Bavarian village behind them) got started."
It was weird to see so many lesbians of different ages in one place in Chicago.
Is this what it takes for us to break through socioeconomic barriers around here? A shared love of lagomorphs?
Midgeon P., with newly-clipped claws, huddled in the back of her carrier and glared at me.
I tried to think of one lesbian I knew who didn't have some kind of pet.
There was no one.
When I used to bitch about not knowing enough homos in Minneapolis, Chinda would roll her eyes and say, "Just get a fucking dog already. You'll meet every lez in the city at the dog park."
I borrowed Blu, Chinda's dog, to see if it was true.
And you know what? She was right. Dog parks are more full of dykes than organic food co-ops.
What is up with us dykes and our pets?
The immediate, jokey answer is that we're replacing human babies with furry babies.
But that's stupid.
I have no desire to have children.
While I can cheerfully own up to calling Midgie "my baby"...I don't mean she's my baby, my real reason for living, the closest I'm ever going to get to a flesh-and-blood child of my own.
If I wanted, I could have a kid. 'Tiny miracles' ain't all that hard to come by.
Right now, in my phone, I have three attractive gay boys with high SAT scores willing to help me turkey-baster-it tomorrow, should I have the desire to fill up my womb.
But I don't want kids.
I want pets.
A Great Dane. More bunnies.
A sturdy pony who gets all shaggy in the wintertime on the hobby farm of my fantasies.
So how could I be replacing a baby if I don't want to have a baby?
I've never met a lesbian who didn't like or have pets.
Chinda's right - go to any dog park, and who's there?
We lesbians are also famous for being obsessed with cats. How many cracks have you heard about lesbians and their "pussies"?
Maybe sometimes those jokes are funny because they're just a little bit based on truth.
I actually do have a friend who has a motherfucking tattoo of her cat's face on her forearm.
What is it with us? Why are we fur-obsessed?
Straight people have animals.
Straight people even get obsessed with their animals.
So why can I think of 5 straight people, off the top of my head, who don't have pets?
Try it! Think of 5 dykes you know. How many of them, coupled or single, have a pet?
Then do it for the heteros. I realize that there are a lot more straight folks in the world than gay, but still - gay people overwhelmingly have pets.
Does the pet-owner/faggy-sex-haver ratio have anything to do with vegetarianism?
Do more of us own pets because we fags are overwhelmingly 'bleeding-heart liberals?"