Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How Much Is That Homo In The Window

Good evening, snatch-goblins.


Were you aware that Halloween is this week?


BECAUSE MIDGEON P. BUNDLESWORTH HAS BEEN COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS.


OMG.


OMG.




OMG.




There are 16 other photographs (none of which are Photoshopped), all with Midge in different Bavarian outfits.  


I have become that lady.


*Backstory!*
My co-worker, Anna, volunteers at the Red Door Animal Shelter here in Chicago.  

The other day, while making elaborate fruit tarts, she told me something very interesting:  every three months, there's a bunny meet 'n' greet at the shelter.  

A sort of "hoppy hour", if you will, for rabbit enthusiasts. 


You can get your rabbit's claws clipped, meet other bunny owners, and have themed photos taken with your bun.



I started to get very excited.  
But it was still three weeks away!
I waited and waited and waited.


And then! on Saturday, I threw off the covers, went "It's today! It's today!", loaded an angry Midge into her carrier, and went to the shelter.


Like a new mother, boring the shit out of everyone around her, I longed for other girls to talk to, ad nauseum, about Midge.  


I was hoping for champagne and maybe one or two cute vegan girls.


I was not prepared for LesbianFest 2010.


You guys.  There were lesbians everywhere.  


*An older dyke couple with eight (holy shit) rabbits and subtly matching sweatsuits.  

*Younger dykes nervously clutching their carriers. 

*A motorcycle leather dyke who owned three bunnies and had a custom-made cowhide carrier.  (Stylish, yet not ostentatious.)


Every. other. person at the shelter was a lesbian.

[via diaphragm]
They were all laughing, eating off the veggie plate, and watching the rabbits get photographed in costume. And everyone was covered, head to foot, in fur.


It was like I could see my future.


This was where I was headed.
Over a shared hummus platter, I started talking to the older lesbian couple.  

One of them, Sherri, said, "Really?  You only have the one bun?  Why, then, she needs a friend."


Her partner jokingly said, "Don't listen to her. That's how all this (gesturing to the eight rabbits lined up on a table with a backdrop of a Bavarian village behind them) got started."


It was weird to see so many lesbians of different ages in one place in Chicago.   

Is this what it takes for us to break through socioeconomic barriers around here?  A shared love of lagomorphs?
(by grandylion)
Hoppy Hour was still in full swing when I left.  
Midgeon P., with newly-clipped claws, huddled in the back of her carrier and glared at me.  
[via disapprovingrabbits]
As I drove home on the scooter, I thought about dykes and their animals.  

I tried to think of one lesbian I knew who didn't have some kind of pet. 
  
There was no one. 


When I used to bitch about not knowing enough homos in Minneapolis, Chinda would roll her eyes and say, "Just get a fucking dog already.  You'll meet every lez in the city at the dog park."


I borrowed Blu, Chinda's dog, to see if it was true.  

And you know what?  She was right.  Dog parks are more full of dykes than organic food co-ops.
[via lesfemmes]
Why is that?  
What is up with us dykes and our pets?  


The immediate, jokey answer is that we're replacing human babies with furry babies.


But that's stupid.
I have no desire to have children.  
Zero.  
None.  


While I can cheerfully own up to calling Midgie "my baby"...I don't mean she's my baby, my real reason for living, the closest I'm ever going to get to a flesh-and-blood child of my own.  


If I wanted, I could have a kid.  'Tiny miracles' ain't all that hard to come by.

Right now, in my phone, I have three attractive gay boys with high SAT scores willing to help me turkey-baster-it tomorrow, should I have the desire to fill up my womb.


But I don't want kids.  
I want pets.

A Great Dane.  More bunnies.  

Ferrets.  Ducks.  
A sturdy pony who gets all shaggy in the wintertime on the hobby farm of my fantasies.


So how could I be replacing a baby if I don't want to have a baby?


I've never met a lesbian who didn't like or have pets.  


Chinda's right - go to any dog park, and who's there?  
The queers.


We lesbians are also famous for being obsessed with cats.  How many cracks have you heard about lesbians and their "pussies"?  

Maybe sometimes those jokes are funny because they're just a little bit based on truth.  

I actually do have a friend who has a motherfucking tattoo of her cat's face on her forearm.



What is it with us?  Why are we fur-obsessed?


Straight people have animals.  
Straight people even get obsessed with their animals.
So why can I think of 5 straight people, off the top of my head, who don't have pets?  


Try it!  Think of 5 dykes you know.  How many of them, coupled or single, have a pet?
[via enginehearttt]
All of them?


Then do it for the heteros.  I realize that there are a lot more straight folks in the world than gay, but still - gay people overwhelmingly have pets.


Does the pet-owner/faggy-sex-haver ratio have anything to do with vegetarianism?  
(by YCHao)
Are we, as homos, more into keeping lil' beasts because we know what it's like to be unwanted?  


Do more of us own pets because we fags are overwhelmingly 'bleeding-heart liberals?" 
[via lesfemmes]
Or do we really just appreciate a pair of outrageously fuzzy ears?
[via cuteoverload]
Do you know a dyke who doesn't like animals?  

(by ADRIEN!)

77 comments:

  1. I know of none off the top of my head.

    I get teased because I have a Rat, 2 cats, and a turtle. Odd mix of pets, but they all live in harmony.. mainly due to the fact that they stay separated. hehe

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  2. I'm a Lesbian With a Weinerdog.

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  3. I'M ALLERGIC TO ANIMALS! and it's fucking horrible because every goddamn lesbian has one. it's a curse.

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  4. I am such a stereotype. I have three cats, a dog and two frogs. Now I want a bunny. Fuck.

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  5. B/c of this post my gf is bouncing up and down saying we need to fulfill this stereotype. Here is the problem, she lives on a college campus that does not allow pets, and the pet fee a my apartment building is insane. FML

    I wants a pet. We need something cute and furry in our lives. Preferably a bunny or a puppy.

    Sorry she hijacked the computer from me.

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  6. Midgeon P. NEEDS A FRIEND!! There is nothing more awesomely awesome than seeing two bunnies snuggle, or groom each other, or chase each other around... they even run in fucking circles (together!) when it is food time!!! She needs a lady friend!

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  7. pictures of girls with giant dogs melt my heart/brain. love. i need a dog when i graduate. cute and furry is absolutely the way to go.

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  8. so 1. i love animals and i want a million. i have a cat right now because i live in a shoebox but the SECOND i have even an idea of a yard i am getting a dog. immediately.

    2. i am about to resign from my job to take a new job at an animal shelter and i was doubting my decision because i am an indecisive wuss. this post came at exactly the right time and reaffirmed my decision that taking this job, i.e. dykiest job ever, is the best idea and also perfect for me.

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  9. I have worked in the veterinary field for most of my life (which is also filled to the brim with lesbians by the way!) and have mused over this exact thing for just as long! Apparently we just love our pets!! :)

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  10. Oh and yes, we have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a leopard gecko...so stereotype fulfilled!

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  11. 4 dogs!! (poodle, chihuaha, chinese crested, and australian sheperd)

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  12. in certain parts of Saskatchewan, they call hoodies "bunnyhugs."

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  13. Right now there are two kittens and two dogs sleeping at the foot of my bed. Agayzing!

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  14. I don't have a pet... I travel way too much to have to take care of another living being.

    Although I am vegan and dream of owning an Australian Shepherd.

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  15. i LOVE animals! i couldn't get a dog or a cat last year, but i'm a hedgehog mom now. best alternate dog ever!

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  16. My wife and I have one human (female) and two canines (male). If you count all of the neighborhood cats which I pretend are mine, I have the following cats:

    Boots
    Faux Boots
    Faux-Faux Boots
    Blanket
    Scab
    P. Gandalf
    Subzero
    Isis the Cunt
    Chubby

    Alas, we just did an impromptu, high-pressure assessment of the first 10 lesbians we know who came to mind, and here's the breakdown:

    3/10 have pets
    2/10 none, BUT are dogwalkers/dogsit
    5/10 unknown

    So there you go.

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  17. Hahaha! I live in Minneapolis and it is so true about the dog park.

    I don't have pets right now because they aren't allowed in my apartment, but once I move in a few months all be getting a kitten. Can't wait!

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  18. I (tragically) travel too much to have pets, but am prone to insta-bonding with the pets at whichever queer household I'm staying at (and there are ALWAYS pets). In the past three weeks I've snuggled with a guinea pig, three cats, two different flocks of chickens, a mouse and a greyhound at different queer households I've stayed at.

    I can also vouch for dog-walking= dyke meet-up o'clock. I often look after my friend's dog. Walking a greyhound in a snazzy jacket: hello ladies, please to adore.

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  19. OMG I was having dinner with a gay male friend tonight and there was a cat in the restaurant (no idea why) but he remarked on how all gay men love cats. We then got into a semi-debate about who loved cats more, gay men or lesbians, with him sighting several lesbians he knows that are "dog people." I then decided that lesbians, are in fact, just animal people. At which point he looked at me like I was crazy and was like, "nah they're dog people, you're wrong," (like he somehow knows lesbians better than I do). This post makes me feel sooooo vindicated!

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  20. Hello, my name is Christine, I'm a lesbian, and I do not like animals. (And i don't want kids either).

    There. I said it.

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  21. I like soft things. Girls, cats, bunnies...whatever's soft...except for human babies.

    When our cat died, it was horrible. And we decided to not get another cat right away. You know what happened? We stole the neighbor's cat. He was okay with it because it was his ex-wife's cat. But still...

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  22. Oh man. Yes. Turpentine the cat, dog, many fish, and a barn full of horses that while are not technically mine, require constant care.

    That includes the pony who does, yes, get shaggy in winter.

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  23. Snatch-goblins? SNATCH-GOBLINS?! I love you.

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  24. I dont have a pet nor do I want one. They're whiny and dependant, like kids but ones who cant guilt into looking after you when you're old.
    Im still a vegetarian though. I for some reason cant look at the face of a lamb and think mmmm dinner. Cute bastards.

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  25. Not only do we have 2 pugs (Parker and Scarlett) but our vet is a big ol dyke, along with the other few vet's in the building (Uptown vet!) all dykes. interesting theory you have stumbled on here

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  26. I don't have a pet and I don't want one. I know many lesbians who don't have pets, I always thought this thing about lesbians being animal people is just a stereotype.

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  27. i love this post (i love this blog) and I have two dogs that i adore; but i think you need to read this anti-lesian-pet-lovin piece by jack halberstam:
    http://bullybloggers.wordpress.com/2009/07/10/confessions-of-a-petophobe/

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  28. Well i have to admit, between my girl an me we have two cats... I had a dog but had to give him a new home due to where we live he was not able to stay.. I was thinking about it an all of our gay friends have animals.. ALL OF THEM!!! i never thought about it til now... Good points made... I enjoy your blog keep it going..

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  29. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    Tho I love lesbian talk...I could talk about my bunnies ALLDAYLONG.

    I have two black and white dutch bunnies (DeWalt and Button Cap), and YES you NEED another bunny because they're soooo much happier in pairs!

    I do know ONE lesbian without a pet, but besides her all of us homos are furry...

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  30. Despite the fact that I am going to be rabidly contributing to a stereotype, I just have to say:

    1 cat (old queen bee rescued as a kitten)
    2 buns (1 nice but naughty boy and one EXTREMELY BITCHY girl rescued from college students who were graduating and couldn't take with)
    1 snake (bought by me for wife as xmas present)

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  31. Here - I hate animals. Honestly, both pets and especially pet hoarders creep the hell out of me... I dunno, people with one, maybe even two pets I can handle. I'm a vegetarian though. :)

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  32. I always wonder about people who don't like any animals. I get being a dog or cat person, owning one particular type of animals, or not having any pets. But, just to say you don't like animals is kind of weird. I mean, they are living things! How can you just not like any of them?

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  33. i have no pets, my brother (also gay, but.. you know, a boy) has fish. everyday all i can hear is the trickling of the water filter, now i look at those tetras with my death stare.

    if they weren't so small i'd have a sushi party.

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  34. I know lesbians without pets, but that's because I'm in college, and we shouldn't really be putting other living beings in our care when we can't even feed ourselves.

    BUT, every lesbian I know WANTS an animal, usually a cat. That's why I'm suspicious about my roommate's intense love for cats. She'll look up cat videos all day if she could, I'm sure.

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  35. Hmm. I have two kitties, an english springer spaniel.
    Until two years ago I had two horses, three cats, two dogs, a duck and a pair of lovebirds.

    I love the animal part of the pet, but I hate the responsibility. I can't travel, stay out all night or have wild parties.

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  36. i'm insanely allergic to animals. Even horses (could be the barn, but the horse and the barn kind of go together. just the sight of a lesbian in a fleece covered in cat hair gives me hives.

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  37. Me and my gay guy were walking through Albany and saw a cat get kicked out, so what did we do? Spent about an hour playing with it. It was so hard to leave it there... but we both live in a dorm so we couldn't so anything.

    My girlfriend and the couple she lives with have 5 or more pets between all of them, and we plan on getting a kitten when she moves to Albany. :) Us gays and our pets...

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  38. I am highly allergic to fur, so I cannot own any cute pets. Which also helps explain why i'm not emotionally attached to animals as much as most people are. As a politically active person, animal rights is dead last on my list of concerns (and I have many).

    And yes, I am a flaming lesbo.

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  39. Yeah, I don't haaate pets, but I don't particularly enjoy them. I've had cats, they were ok. My straight roommate however is OBSESSED with them. She squeals every time a cat commercial comes on the tv and she desperately wants me to agree to letting her have one in our apartment. Sometimes she just glares at me and tells me to be a real lesbian.

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  40. I reeeeeeeeally want a pet :( :( :( I love cats, the lady loves dogs, but landlord says we can't even have a tiny quiet little house kitty. Booooo!

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  41. My cousin and her partner both want nothing to do with pets and are dreading the day their toddler gets old enough to ask them for one.

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  42. Lets see, I have a cat,dog,snake,bearded dragon and a gecko. I also foster many other injured reptiles. I've also got zero desire for kids, in fact I'm really not a fan of any kid(s).

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  43. we have two cats, a whippet, five chickens, and two hives full up of bees. but, i honestly hate cats. i despise them; i have no affinity for them. i do not think they belong in a house or in a yard (maybe a barn; maybe just maybe). when our old whippet friend croaks that will be the last of indoor pets until the fur balls that live far too long become dead. they are all growing older and becoming special needs and they make me crazy.

    i love my outside animals.

    and my close straight and queer friends all have animals of some kind (they might be chickens and outside rabbits), but they have animals. and plural is the key word here...most have animal/SSSSS

    one indoor pet is a good thing; more equals madness.

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  44. I'm very allergic to cats, but broke down three years ago and got two [adorable] kittens. I take allergy medicine every day and still suffer. How ridonk is that? I think we gays just know that, most days, pets are wayyyyyy better than children!

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  45. us lesbos are just good people, and good people love animals :). p.s. did anyone have a pet in the L word?...

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  46. Of the 3 lesbians I work with one does not have pets, one does and the other....I have never asked. All the other lesbians we know have FAMILIES of dogs including us.
    We just adopted a cute mutt named UNO. We lost a sweet and wonderful border collie named INDIGO in may...very awful very sad and heart breaking. She was our christmas puppy 11 years ago when our daughters were little. We have a slender sleek Red Heeler named PICCOLO and a Cocker Eskimo named MAX. Our family would be so much less without them.
    Also speaking of vets, Our vet Dr Pam is VERY cute and I wonder sometimes if the whole large vet practice is full of lesbians. I can think of at least 4 lesbians there.
    I smirk ALOT when I take the furry kids in for a check up.

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  47. Dude, just about as soon as I moved in with my girl we started talking about getting a couple of rats once things stabilize enough to afford it. We squeal over having a tiny fuzzy family. RAT BABIES.

    Lesbians fucking love dogs though, oh man. Dogs or cats. I'm a cat-person, clinically obsessed with my kitties who I'll cuddle all night, while my girl is retarded for her tiny Westie dog and desires a hoard of drooly pit bulls to love on. Since we've both moved out we're without our pets back at home. I'm agreeing, the vast majority of dykes love pets. They only differ on whether they are dog people or cat people, but just delight in owning little creatures.

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  48. I don't understand people that DON'T want animals. I have an adorable poodle, 3 birds and a stray cat that lives on my porch.
    Also, am I the only one that finds that baby- pro-choice picture bizarre? 0.o

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  49. I think I can make up for every lesbo who doesn't have a pet: 5 chickens, 3 hamsters, 2 bunnies, 2 parakeets, a dog, a cat, and 2 goldfish.

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  50. are there really that many lesbians in Chicago? I live like 40 minutes away from the city and am in dire need of expanding my gay group of friends.

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  51. Also, our bed is a giant expensive queen size dog bed. I was joking last night with my partner that we could sleep in a twin bed together if not for all the dogs.

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  52. I don't think it has anything to do with pets-as-babies instead of actual babies, but I definitely fit the lesbian pet-owner stereotype (four horses, three dogs, two cats, even though I'm allergic to all of them; have previously also owned two birds, two rats, and two bunnies). I think for me it has a lot more to do with making sure critters feel wanted (I've done a lot of taking in strays, whether for keeps or just as a foster-parent) and with feeling a connection with an animal.

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  53. ...I've never had a pet... ever. This makes feel very sad. But I do like animals.

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  54. OF COURSE THERE WAS A CAT IN THE L WORD!!! :)
    MR. P
    RIP DANA

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  55. I have 2 kids (1 Boy & 1 Girl), 3 cats (1 Male & 2 Female) and 1 very tolerant partner.

    I love all kinds of animals especially dogs. Growing up I had several dogs ... BIG dogs
    1 Giant Collie, 3 German Shepherds & 1 Pit Bull

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  56. I don't want to live in a house that doesn't have a dog and a cat.

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  57. i have absolutely no intention of getting a pet EVER

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  58. I have 2 kitties and have discovered that it is quite important BEFORE hooking up with someone to ask if they are allergic to kitties or HATE them. I have discovered many an allergic or kitty-hating queer. it is extra awkward if they suffer an allergy attack in the middle of naked-happenings and go , "oh FUCK do you have a cat?! Aghh my eyes are so itchy!"

    P.S. My ex and I used to have a menagerie of 1 horse, 1 pony, 1 dog, 2 kitties, and a desperate desire for a pygmy goat (look it up you'll be begging for one for non-denominational holiday times).

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  59. Living with my girlfriend right now. We're not veg/veg-obsessed for one thing. I love meat and if I could go without vegetables for the rest of my life without serious health complications, then I'd do it.

    Secondly...we have a fish. We really want a cat though! Just a little low on funds to afford one.

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  60. I would love a cat (or several!) but my daughter's allergic :-(

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  61. I ran from Katrina with two cats and a gym bag.

    I still have my fuzzy boys. I can't tell you has happened to the bag.

    True love comes with four feet.

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  62. i know a couple with no pets! by choice, not allergy!

    we, on the other hand, have 4...

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  63. i am that lesbian. i do not own a pet. i do not wish for a pet. pet hair and pet poo are 2 reasons. there are many. i will be nice to your pets. just like i would your kids. that is all.

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  64. We refer to weekend dog park-time as "lesbian church." (in Minneapolis, btw.)

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  65. I hate, hate, HATE pets. They have absolutely no appeal to me. I tell people I'm mentally allergic to them. BUTT I don't know one lesbian that doesn't own an animal. I know one bisexual that doesn't have a pet, and I love her all the more for it, but that's neither here nor there. It's terrible, I know, however there's only one pussy I want to pet. And it doesn't belong to someone on all fours.... well sometimes it does... but you know.what.I'm.saying.

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  66. I dont have pets now and I never will. I cant stand them!

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  67. i'm ok with animals, but i wouldn't be inclined to go out and get one. like, if my gf wants one, i'll tolerate it, but i'm very meh towards them.

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  68. 3 lizards and a snake. No hair and minimal shit to clean up.

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  69. I love dogs but I don't feel confident I would be able to take of one. As a child I had a lot of dogs as a kid. In the beginning I always played with them but than I would lose interest. If it wasn't for my mother they wouldn't get fed. I was responsible for bathing them and that happened when they started to smell. I just think it's wiser for me to just play with other people's animals so that when I lose interest I can just give them back.

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  70. i really dislike animals. mainly the idea that animals can live in the same house as humans...like, i don't know but it's weird for me to comprehend. and i really don't like them.

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  71. A friend of mine is also a ladyqueer, and does not like or understand pets at all. She's never had one, and can't comprehend why someone would have a pet.

    I, however, am destined to be that old lesbian with the 40 cats. I currently have two cats and two hooded rats. Grew up with a variety of animals, and my dad has a hobby farm.

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  72. snatch goblins?! ROFL!

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  73. I fucking hate pets. They're dirty and time-consuming. And I'm as queer as they get.

    Is this really true? I can think of very few lesbian friends or exes of mine that own or desire pets... Maybe it's an American thing? Maybe Europeans act differently...

    ReplyDelete
  74. I am a queer girl, who doooon't like animals at all. Affraid of dogs, dislike/hates cats, all other animals I just find lame.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete