Sunday, October 10, 2010

Shacked Up For Serious


Hi ladyfags!


Don't you just fucking love this weather?  


The leaves.  
The acrid burning smell in the air.  


Melancholy and plaid.
Honking geese.  
The bittersweet tweed of it all.


I live near an elementary school, and nothing gives me greater pleasure than to bike by the first-floor windows, where all the kids are trapped inside their classrooms.   


I like to circle slowly on the sidewalk and wave at the children. 

Then I mouth "SUCKERS!!!" and gesture at the brilliant blue sky outside. 


Laughing wildly, I pedal off into the golden morning.
[by Chloe McLennan]


There is nothing better than being done with school.


But! the best part about this time of year is the resurgence of scarves.  


YES!


One minute, it's summer and it's so fucking hot that, as you get ready to go out, you're thinking: "Accessories...hmmm...accessories...you know what?  I think skin is a good accessory"  and the next minute, it's autumn, and you go:  "This outfit sucks...but what if I add a scarf???"  


BOOM!  
Instant mystery!  
Instant "I-go-to-art-school"!
Scarves.  
Hells yes. 


Tomorrow, CJ and I are driving to Madison, WI for a little weekend trip.  
We're celebrating our five year anniversary.  


FIVE YEARS, you guys.  


If our relationship was a baby, it would have already outgrown regular Dora the Explorer and moved onto Slutty Dora.


Five years!  I've kind of been freaking out about it.


A little bit.


This is a milestone.  Five years is a big deal.


This is a bigger deal than when I turned 25 and realized that every day was another day closer to death and started asking Dee, my hairdresser, if she could see any bald spots.


Me:  No?  No thinning?  Tell me if there's any thinning, right along the crown.  I definitely thought I saw a thin patch up there the other day.


Dee:  No.


Me:  You would tell me, though, right?


Dee:  There's not.


Me:  I swear to god it's getting thinner. I'll probably go bald.  I don't mind, really.  Wigs would be ok.  Itchy, though.  Hot.


Dee:  Would you shut the fuck up.




Five years with CJ.
This is my longest romantic relationship.  By a long shot.  

And while CJ is totally fine, all breezing along and shit, I am consumed with sudden questions.

(by lesliee!!)
*What if this is it?


*What if this isn't it?


*If this isn't it, shouldn't we break up NOW?  Avoiding further time wasted?  While everyone still looks good in jeggings?


*If this is it, shouldn't I be sure?  And shouldn't something major happen, like a house or a dog or a wedding or a joint cell phone plan?  


*What if we stay together for 20 years and then break up?  Who will I date then?  Everybody good might already be taken!



Jesus. 


CJ says it's fine - everything I'm feeling is fine, and we should just take our relationship as it goes, and we don't need to make any huge decisions right this second, and nobody is breaking up with anybody in 20 years just yet, and maybe I shouldn't drink any more espresso drinks after 5 p.m.
[via pissangel]
But.  But.

Everyone I know is breaking up with each other. 
 
(by dusdincondren)


What I need are some fucking role models.


I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized something: 
I don't know any settled dyke couples.  


I don't know anybody who's been in a basically happy lesbian relationship for longer than 10 years.  


Anybody.
[via crowcrow]
I know settled gay boy couples.  That doesn't help.   
They're gay, but not gay ladies.

I know settled straight couples.  
That reeeeeeally doesn't help. 


But I don't know any dyke couples in their 40's or 50's or 60's.


Why is that?  Why don't I know any?  
Or even know of any lesbians in really long-term relationships?


Where are they?  
Prop 8 makes us furious, so a bunch of us must be in it for the long haul.


So why don't I ever see them?  The settled lesbians?

Are they lost in the black hole of having children? (You know.  Your friends have a baby and then the next time you see them, the kid is working on his fractions homework.) 

Do they live in small towns and spend their time with large gardens and a multitude of dogs? 


Or are they just so over going out that I never see them ever? 


It's possible that settled lesbian couples are all around me and I simply don't see them.  

But I want to see them!  I want to talk with them!  
Go out for beers!  


I'd love just one example of what it's like to be with another woman for a long-ass time.  

I know they're out there.


So where are they?  


Where are the dyke-y role models? 


Anybody know what it's like long-term?


[via candywarhol] 
I think I need a little inspiration.

79 comments:

  1. I've been with my girlfriend for 13 years. We live in a rural area in CA. I also have a gay Aunt that's been with her wife (they're actually married in NH) for I think a similar amount of time. They had a ceremony and shit, so I don't know by which date I go by with them.

    Even though I've been with my girlfriend for 13 years, I have weird issues with calling her "wife" for some reason. "Girlfriend" sounds like we still have fun, and the idea of a ceremony stresses me out.

    I had a gay great Aunt that I never met, but I am told that she had "a friend" until the day she died when I was 5.

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  2. I also have a great aunt whose had a "friend" that she lived with, as far as I know, since before I was born 19 years ago.

    Also I don't know how long they've been together but I do know there are two older lesbian couples living in my neighborhood and like you said, they just never leave the house. I only knew about them living there because I love trick or treating and the both of them gave out candy. Plus one of them came out and talked to me and my sister for a bit as we were sledding down their really steep driveway in the snow/ice

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  3. My girlfriend and I have been together now 15 years, 4 months, 29 days, and we are still in love with each other. Also, my gf's sister and her partner have been together for more than 20 years. We're out there. You just have to look harder.

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  4. Here in Northampton, Massachusetts, the Land of the Lesbians, there are a million lesbian couples who have been together for decades. And yes, they have gardens and dogs.

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  5. I think they're in Toronto. We have a lot of them.

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  6. I second what the Noho Anonymous said about Northampton. It's crawling with lesbians and lesbian couples in every stage of singlehood and relationships, including been-together-since-the-dinosaurs. If you've never been, you should totally visit because not only is it probably the greatest lesbian town in America, but it's just a great fucking town. I moved away recently and I can't wait to move right back.

    Also, I have a great-aunt who has lived with "the woman she lives with" for at least as long as I've been alive, and I'm 23. When they came to my big fat gay wedding together earlier this summer, it was the first time I'd seen my great-aunt in 10 years and the first time I'd met her ladyfriend EVER, and my god were they heartwarming and wonderful.

    Speaking of my big fat gay wedding, my girlfriend and I had been together for a year and a half when she proposed, and on the wedding day we'd been together nearly three years. We're not a great example of lesbians who've been together forever, but we do have faith that we WILL be together forever. Dunno if that helps at all. (Also, I still have those fears and W still has to reassure me sometimes.)

    It sounds like you have a great thing going. Just keep up the good work! You'll be fine!

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  7. Come to Boston!
    I'll introduce you three couples I know from my mechanics class (I got too poor to afford to outsource my auto work. fucking law school). One has been together for 12 years, another for 17 and my teacher has been with her partner for like 20-something years.

    For popular examples you don't need to make small-talk with before you dive into the personal See: Rachel Maddow and Susan Mikula. They have something more binding than marriage: real estate.

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  8. hey if it makes you feel better I DO KNOW A HAPPY LONG TERM LESBIAN COUPLE...they've been together for more than 30 years...

    They never do go out....maybe the rest of the happy couples acts the same?!

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  9. Ask me again in ten years....my lady and I have only been together for a little over 3....but there's a house. And there will be dogs. And a really big garden. And in the middle of nowhere Texas, there's no gay bars. So nope, we won't go out either....

    But yea, they're out there....I just don't know any of them either.

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  10. This doesn't have anything to do with relationships. Except I read your interview and looked at this pictures, and your adorable and very pretty!!

    Oh, and congrats on 5 years!!

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  11. i know a lesbian couple...actually, TWO lesbian couples, who have been together for...a long time. i don't know exactly how long, but a really long time. at least 10 years. maybe even 15.

    something like that. they're out there. don't worry.

    p.s. congrats!

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  12. Wanna hang out with my moms? They celebrated their 28-year anniversary together this past March... pretty excellent role models for any relationship. They do like to play Spot The Lesbians in our heavily closeted Midwest town... there are always a few older ones, but they're hard to pick out. My parents also had lesbian friends who were together for decades before one of them died.

    Maybe find the quieter gay bars. I know my moms occasionally go to one, but not the loud pick-up clubs they went to in the 80s.

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  13. if it makes you feel any better, when i first started dating my partner, i told her upfront that i couldn't consider long-term commitment until i was at least 30 (i was 22, she was 27). makes sense, yes? long-term is scary. i figured i had lots of livin' to do and would probably change in that time. after 8 years... i guess i was ready to commit (ha!). so it's now been 14 and we're still happy. but we also have trouble finding other long-term couples (we've lived in a bunch of places many with huge gay populations). our guess is that the stable couples stay home and/or already have established friends and no longer make new ones.

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  14. Yes yes to the Noho comments! I'm at Smith and I love nothing more than to go to Pride and see all the happy lesbian couples that are older and happy mommies with adorable children (and yes, dogs). I also have a lesbian rabbi who has been with her partner for over 10 years and they have 2 great kids together. There is hope!

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  15. Yay Noho! There's a reason Jenny Lind called it Paradise.

    Also try Decatur, GA. My ex goes to Agnes Scott. Great city, full of lesbos.

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  17. First - Congrats on five years with CJ!
    Second - I just broke up with my girlfriend of three years and these very same questions have been going through my head for the past month. This post came at an appropriate time for me. :)

    After my girlfriend and I broke up, I started looking at all of the people that I know that are in reeeeally long-term successful relationships, and was sad to discover that they are either gay men or straight couples. I don't know any lesbian couples that have lasted longer than five years. Yeep.

    It's good to know that there *are* plenty of successful long-term lesbian relationships! Sigh. I'll find mine someday.

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  18. My Partner & I have been together for 27 years. She and our kids (1 boy 13 & 1 girl 7) are the best things to ever happen to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I never expected this to be a long term thing. For the first few years we had a renew option at the end of each year. Now we laugh about it.

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  19. congratulations on the big 5! i believe longevity rocks. my lover (i really still call her girlfriend, mostly, cause wife creeps me out) and I have been together 10 years and 7 months. i do really introduce her as my lover here and there. It makes me happy to think of people thinking of me in bed with my lady.

    We are in it for the long haul. and this it is hard and wonderful and everything in between.

    as for having women together in relationships role models, i want more too. quite a few of our queer couple friends who were in it for the long haul have called it quits over the last few years and that makes me sad. but if i were straight i think i would be experiencing the same kind of break ups between other straight people all around me.

    we do have good older, long-term coupled lesbian friends.

    in the end, i think inter-generational friendships is where it is at. the more folks we are able to hang with who are older and/or younger than us the more we will know about what it means to be alive.

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  20. I'm coming up on five years too. Makes me feel very mature. Yay!

    Natalie, where is the mechanics class you're taking?!?! I've been looking for one in Boston for a while.

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  21. okay, lesbian couple that's been good friends with my mother and me since...well long since before i was born (the butch of the relationship's been best friends with my mother since they were like sixteen - they're both nearing fifty now.) um, generally speaking yeah, i rarely see them outside the house beyond them going to work (the butch works in leather tanning - it's texas - while the femme's an rn at the hospital here.) they rescue every animal they possibly can (they have at least ten cats and two or three dogs) and will arrange a way to take your animals to a vet to get them fixed. i'm entirely serious.

    but back to the general point - yeah, i rarely see them outside except on weekends when the butch is doing yard work and the femme's being her cheery, neighbourly self. they do come around on their own time though.

    congrats on the five years by the way!

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  22. Funny there should be so much talk of Northampton! I went to Smith a decade ago, and also miss it dearly. I now live in Madison WI, which as far as I am concerned is equally as queer- so I hope to read a follow- up post where you talk about how many older dyke couples live here! It's unbelievable! Especially in the Williamson/Jenifer street neighborhood- hope you had a chance to see it when you were here!

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  23. It's so amazing to read all of these comments! I wonder this all the time. I have lots of older women as friends, but none who have been in long-term relationships with women, who I could call for sound advice. All of these dykes-in-long-ass-relationship-sightings fill be with hope!
    kat

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  24. Congrats to you and your lady five years can be the start to a great relationship.

    My wife and I have been together for 28 years. We live in florida. We had a Civil Union in Vermont as soon as it was legal. We don't go clubbing any more. We do dance (and do other things ;)) together in the living room, dining room, kitchen & bedroom as the mood strikes. I never expected to fall in love with her. It really ups the sex to a whole new level when you fall in love. Don't ask me why because I don't know why, it just did for me. We were friends for 7 years before we got together, so she knew all my shit and me hers B4 hand. That definitely helped. Now I can't imagine my life with out her in it. I have always wondered how I got so lucky but she says don't over analyze it just enjoy it ... and I'm doing just that.

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  25. "Don't over analyze it just enjoy it ... and I'm doing just that." That's where my gf and I are trying to get at right now. I love her to death and I want to be with her for the rest of my life; I'm just not to a point where I'm not terrified of saying it out loud, and it's currently damaging our relationship. We're not seeing each other as often, but when we do, it reminds us both why we're still in this. Long terms are hard, and not for everyone, but I definitely want to be one of those long-term couples that you cant seem to find, with no one else but her.
    Wishing you both all the best!

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  26. One of my professors has been in a long term relationship forever. From what I've heard they get out a lot, and are sometimes seen by us younger queers at the dance parties and such.

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  27. I 6th the comments on Northampton, MA. I graduated from Smith in 2009, recently moved back for the year...and it is crawling with lesbians and lesbian couples. In fact, Northampton apparently has the largest number of lesbian couples in the NATION:

    http://www.city-data.com/top2/c15.html

    WHAT.

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  28. My moms just got married in June, after seventeen years together :) We live in Worcester, MA. The long-term couples are there. I find that the reason you don't see them is that after a long enough time, they get really, really boring--their lives are indistinguishable from anyone else's. Also, once they hit fifty, straight women go en masse to their hairdressers and get that same short haircut. It can make it really hard to tell the difference...

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  29. my aunts in the chicago burbs have been together for 36 years (maybe 37?). they gave a very sweet toast about it when i got gay married in iowa (we've only been together for 3, but we're in it for the long haul, EVEN THOUGH we don't count as married when we're home in chicago).

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  30. My friend's mothers had been together for at least 20 years before one of them died this past year, but yes, it does happen.

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  31. I just had this exact conversation with a friend of mine. Why is it so incredibly hard to find lesbian couples to hang with!? I just moved here from Boston with my wife and I'll be the first to admit that there are lesbians galore in New England. But this is Chicago, it's HUGE. Happy married lesbian couples have to be hiding in plain sight.

    But I present a bigger question... how the hell do you approach said lesbian couple when spotted? Slide them a piece of paper with, "Want to be our friends? Circle YES or NO"

    Oh, and for some of the other comments. No, craigslist is NOT ok. And if marriage is in your heart - paper or not - you're in it for life. Hell, Grey's Anatomy did it on a post it note. That is love. :)

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  32. never go out, and fit into the "kid hole" too...

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  33. AHH! All I saw was that you're in Madison, WI, which is tragically where I go to school. It's like being in the same vicinity as a fucking celebrity. Except not.

    Anyway... visit the Starbucks on State Street or any number of the coffeehouses along the way for some good looks at the gays. I also recommend Plan B as the only good dance club to go to. Also, CONVENIENTLY full of gays. It's great. What more could you ask for?

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  34. As a 27 yr old queer lady I can say all of my settled lesbo couple friend have a house (or condo), dogs, grown-up jobs and never EVER go out. They have hot tubs in their gardens and can afford to have expensive booze shipped to them. Sometimes they go on those gay cruises.

    I go to museums, bars, clubs, art shows, and silly little hipster locals this means I don't ever see the settled lezzies unless I go to them - which is cool since they have fancy gardens, dogs, babies, and fancy booze and then I get to go back to the younger unsettled scene. I dog sit and baby sit for the settled lezzies. They are mostly interested in finger paint and trips to france. When I was in Greece I saw an epic amount of 30-50 yr. old lezzie couples.

    So the point is? Go to the south of france or greece :)

    (sf - queer girl)

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  35. I work as a receptionist in a clinic in Seattle. My boss/supervisor/lady in charge has been with her partner for a while. I don't know exactly how long, but they have a son and he's about 11 or 12. Both of them are in their late 40s, early 50s. But maybe it's more common here in Seattle.

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  36. After a horribly painful breakup, I thought I would take a year to be single and heal... but summer solstice was imminent and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to do a solstice water ritual out on Antelope island in the Great Salt Lake, calling into my life the woman I would raise my daughters and spend my life with.
    Two weeks later I was sitting across from her at the patio party of mutual friends. The girls were 9 and 11. We commuted to see each other for 2 years, built a house and moved in after 2 1/2 years and got married out on Antelope Island 3 years to the day after my little solstice ritual.
    We raised the girls together into adulthood. They are 19 and 21. We are still together 10 1/2 years later. We have 3 dogs and a poorly maintained garden. We entertain family (between us we have 48 nieces and nephews) a lot and rarely go out. We should socialize more with other lesbians but we don't. There aren't a lot of long termers that we know. The ones we do know are exes of ours and live far away. Anyway, we ARE here (in Mormon land no less) but you probably won't see us.

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  37. I'm currently a senior at Smith, and lesbian couples do, indeed, abound.

    One of my housemates is the progeny of a lesbian couple who live out near Boston and have been together for at least two decades. I met them this summer, and they're both wonderful women, both librarians, and seem very happy together.

    Another hidey-hole for long-time dyke couples is Renaissance Faires. One couple who have been together for I-don't-know-how-many years just got hitched this weekend.

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  38. OMG @ Renaissance Fairs you just trip over lesbians, they are everywhere. Even older ones like in their 50's & 60's. Just try the "dike nod and smirk" and see if they don't respond.

    My Partner & 2 kids & I go every year to 3 or 4 different Ren Fairs. :)

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  39. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. Going into the relationship we both figured it wouldn't be "The One" but we've stuck with it cuz it's the best either of us has ever had. Best part of it is that it keeps getting better with time, so maybe it'll be the one.

    As for happy older lesbian couples, there are several at my church... My parents always made sure that growing up I would have healthy same sex couples to look up to because they had a feeling I wasn't straight. Said feeling wasn't conformed till I came out to them a few weeks ago. Enjoy your relationship and don't worry about committing. I refuse to commit to anything cuz nothing's gonna last forever. :)

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  40. I'm seventeen, so any long term relationships for me would have started at crazy toddler ages BUT there's the best lesbian couple ever who have a kid together and they never go out because of the kid. :P The one time I babysat so they could go out on a date they came back early to see her. Then again, we're in the conservative suburbs of Chicago, so maybe there are no fun places to go? Anyways, more invisible role models for you. :)

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  41. Everyone IS breaking up right now, what the hell?!

    Upside: Yay! More empty apartments to choose from.
    Downside: It's sad. My wife and I just sit around and process on behalf of the couple(s) and pout at each other, perplexed.

    These comments are beautiful, though. They are. I am tempted to map out an all-new lesbian couple longevity road trip map, one that ends in Greece!

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  42. I just found your blog and I really enjoy it :-) you have a great sense of humor :-) i think people are breaking up alot because it's fall and the universe is "shedding" it's spring/summer foliage... that translates into people breaking apart, people moving, companies going in different directions with marketing, sales etc. it's just the way of things... it's all a big cycle... nothing to get nervous or freak out about :-) it'll all come back around... it always does :-)

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  43. I second the Decatur, GA comment as I currently live here and know a number of lesbian couples who have been together for many, many years. Too bad for me, since I finally came out.....

    Check out the local Unitarian Universalist Church. LOTS of lesbian couples there.

    And what the hell is up with the Great Aunts? I have a great Aunt who is definitely a lesbian and has lived with her "friend" for 20 years.

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  44. Here's a 40 year one, featured on NY Times vows, in video, to boot!

    http://video.nytimes.com/video/2010/09/11/fashion/weddings/1248069008188/vows-jean-susan.html

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  45. Congrats on 5 years!

    My sweetie and I just celebrated our 11th anniversary this Sept and both feel like we grow happier together every year. We suffered through a few years of stressed out college living and some bed death but we are best friends and found ways to re-kindle the romance and keep it alive. I feel like we have the most intense and satisfying sex at this point in our relationship and it gives me hope for the future. :)

    Living in rural MN I'm always surprised by the number of older (and supposed long-term) lesbian couples we run into when we are out and about; Target, the grocery store, and the pet store. Now that's the place we run into a lot of couples. If you don't have human kids, you have fur-kids. We love to go out in the Twin Cities but don't very often and usually we are just happily living our lives.

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  46. Madison! What did you do???? Did you come to the East Side, my home? Did you go out to dinner at a schmoozy restaurant? I wish I'd celebrity-spotted you somewhere!
    There's lots of dykes here. I would look in Academia for 70 yr old couples - the oldest, most fierce dyke couple I've ever met just retired from the Women's Studies dept. here!
    But also, girl... Look in Hobby Lobby. You got the gaydar. You can spot 'em.

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  47. Congrats on 5 years!

    As for neurotically needling your own self, don't fight it, it's part of what makes you so mofo charming and darlin, trust me....you are...i pop out of meetings routinely just to read this blog. hats off!

    As for older dykes, yup, we exist - my gf and i have been together 20 years, no kids but i totally cop to the garden and the dog. i think the older you get, the more you enjoy quiet time with friends and family and the less you hit the bars and the late night events. In some way it makes you a bit invisible but you don't really care cuz you've figured out that life is short and you need to enjoy the time you have with those you love.

    Enjoy what you have with CJ, don't question it....love endures when we let it

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  48. Chicago, 11 years, no kids, still socialize fairly regularly. No LBD.

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  49. These comments have me all verklempt. Sniffle

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  50. My co-worker has been with her partner for 37 years. I asked her what her secret is and she said, "we just got lucky". so cute. I hope to have that with someone someday. it's hard when you don't have any examples to follow...i guess we need to make our own path.

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  51. My moms just celebrated 35 years this August; they met at Smith in the early 70s. I'm from Boston originally, now at Smith myself, and hoping for a story as lovely as theirs.

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  52. The first lesbians I ever became aware of lived on the corner of my street, with the most friendly kitty. They were proper OLD-- they had GREY HAIR! They gave me a mince pie for one Halloween and my parents used to go walking with them every Saturday morning. They were ace.

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  53. Congrats on your anniversary, dear!

    LT lesbian couples do exist--we aren't like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, imaginary stories that young lesbians tell each other.

    My wife and I have been together for 18 years. We've raised four daughters, multiple cats and dogs, and a lotta hell in our time. We're 48 and 47 now and most of the hell-raising days are over. Since we're in a small town with no gay bars in sight, we mostly stay home to avoid the meat markets (bars in our central/southern Illinois area).

    Now for your questions:

    *What if this is it?
    What if it is? Is this a bad relationship or a functional one? If it is functional, then by all means continue on. Finding a happy, mentally stable lesbian can be like finding the Holy Grail--mighty hard, with a lot of travel and strange symbols to interpret and you could die in the end-or find the cup that never empties (of love).

    *What if this isn't it?
    If it isn't, you know long before 5 years. You can tell from year one, really. Keep your eyes open and you can see the crash coming before the burn starts.

    *If this isn't it, shouldn't we break up NOW? Avoiding further time wasted? While everyone still looks good in jeggings?
    Why is it a waste of time? I've never understood that.

    No matter whether a relationship works or doesn't, the relationship itself teaches you important things about yourself and how to maintain healthy relationships with other people. Learning is never a waste of time. It can show you what you want out of a relationship and, more importantly, what you don't.

    *If this is it, shouldn't I be sure? And shouldn't something major happen, like a house or a dog or a wedding or a joint cell phone plan?
    LOL. No, really.

    Some of the healthiest lesbian couples that I know keep separate accounts for everything and a joint account for household expenses.

    And nobody is ever absolutely sure about any relationship. No matter how close you are to someone, you still keep secrets-sometimes to keep the peace between you, sometimes because it really is past and not an issue, and sometimes for their own protection.

    There isn't a hallmark or sign that something is real. There is only the reality of how you feel and the depth of commitment within your own heart to the relationship.

    *What if we stay together for 20 years and then break up? Who will I date then? Everybody good might already be taken!
    Again, LOL.

    There is always someone that will love you, someone who will accept what you have to offer, someone who is good for you, whether you find them now or 20 years from now.

    Whenever it happens, it will happen in its own time. While simplistic, 'everything for a reason' is a truism. Had I not done *a* then *b* would not happen, nor *c*, but *d* might have instead.

    We can't live by what-ifs alone. Live for now, worry about tomorrow tomorrow, and let your heart be free.

    I just found your blog and Love it! I wondered for a minute if it was someone in my area (just because of the Effingdykes name).

    Good luck and best wishes for your future together!

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  54. Been with my partner for over 15 years. No real estate, no pets, no kids, no American tv, no anniversaries. Ever.

    We laugh and giggle all the time, have loads of sex (all sorts), go out to museums, flirt, eat out, see many films, give each other wacky/nerdy gifts, travel to Barcelona, London and Tokyo often. We both speak 4 languages.

    We hang out with eccentrics of all genders, colours and persuasions but with very few couples since so many are utterly miserable.
    We are out and about in Montréal where heterosexuals are really well-behaved.

    Like my Mrs says: I got lucky but I also chose well.

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  55. one of my best friend's moms have been together for 20+ years (with two kids and two very fat cats) and they are hilariously snarky and boston-accented and they overfeed me when i come over.

    i aspire to be as in love when i am as greyhaired as them.




    also i have finally finished reading through every post you've made on this site and i might be woefully behind on anything productive, but i regret nothing. this is the best blog in the history of bloggitude.

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  56. Oh man, I too have these fears. You are bang-on in raising the question because there ain't a lot of role models. I don't know if I'm more afraid of singledom or of middle-aged-lesbian-couple-with-minivan-and-LBD syndrome.

    BUT firstly here's an excerpt of something I read on Savage Love a while ago:

    "The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships—the way I sometimes talk about mine—can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like “Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure.” In reality, of course, we didn’t know, we weren’t sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, etc.

    Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol’ memory hole and start telling people how “sure” we were right from the start. (For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how “sure” they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their futures.)

    Anyway: There are too many smugly coupled-up people out there paying our partners—and ourselves—the false compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people within earshot weren’t forced to listen to our smug bullshit, some of whom go home thinking, “Well, this person I’m seeing—this person I enjoy spending time with, this person I miss terribly when we’re apart—she must not be ‘the one’ because… I’m not sure.”"

    Secondly the other week I met this so-sexy lesbian couple in their mid-forties or so. It was at a dance show that one of them helped organize. One was French and the other Algerian. They met each other in Calgary and perhaps because they both spoke French the sparks flew. They wore silk scarves and high heels and had sexy accents. I wanted to invite them over for wine and cigarettes. I think about them sometimes, hope I'll run into them, and remember that if it all works out maybe I could be like that someday.

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  57. An excerpt of a Savage Love I read ages ago:

    The way many people in long-term relationships talk about their relationships—the way I sometimes talk about mine—can do a real disservice to the single and/or dating. The further the early stages of an LTR recede into the past, the likelier the coupled are to blithely toss off bullshit like “Oh, I knew the minute I met him/her that he/she was the one. I was sure.” In reality, of course, we didn’t know, we weren’t sure, we had doubts, insecurities, issues, etc.

    Truth is, no one in a successful LTR knew for sure that it was true and lasting love until it lasted. And after the passage of time proves that we bet on the right person, we stuff those early doubts, insecurities, and issues down the ol’ memory hole and start telling people how “sure” we were right from the start. (For the record: There are lots of smug married people out there yammering on about how “sure” they were right from the start who have divorce proceedings in their futures.)

    Anyway: There are too many smugly coupled-up people out there paying our partners—and ourselves—the false compliment of a backdated certainty. And that would be fine if single people within earshot weren’t forced to listen to our smug bullshit, some of whom go home thinking, “Well, this person I’m seeing—this person I enjoy spending time with, this person I miss terribly when we’re apart—she must not be ‘the one’ because… I’m not sure.”

    Dan Savage, I love you.

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  58. AND

    A couple weeks ago I met this so-sexy lesbian couple in their mid-forties or so, at a dance show one of organized. One was from Algeria and the other from France. They spoke to each other in French and I'll bet, when they met in Calgary, that's how the sparks first flew. They were both the kind of warm, passionate people who engage you in interesting conversation right away. They wore scarves and high heels and had sexy accents. I wanted to have them over for wine and cigarettes. I think about them sometimes, hope I'll run into them, remember if things work out right that I could be like that someday.

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  59. At first, Krista, I was really depressed by this entry, mostly just because I identify with it so well (even living in Seattle!)

    I don't know what it is, but I don't feel like I know how to live the life of an adult lesbian. I know we're all making it up as we go, but it'd be great to see some role models here and there (other than Ellen and Portia).

    Reading the comments on this entry was fantastic, however. I like hearing about everybody's aunts and shit. We're a community, ya'll!

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  60. Me and my lady just celebrated our 10th year anniversary in september. We are african american and she is 36, I am 38. We are garden variety professionals, own a home together raising two kids. The secret to our longevity is that we stay on the fringes of the lesbian community (freakin sluts!). We socialize but don't engage too much. Every time we engage we get burned. Lesbians secretly hate those who have longevity. Miserable crabs in a barrel! Yep! Its lonely sometimes. And when u dare to complain, these bytches are like "what's your prob? You have a partner!" As if we have no right to desire platonic friendship of other lesbians. We've witnessed the rise and fall of countless relationships. Its not that we are hiding. But truth is, nobody wants to see us. We are a constant reminder of their countless failed relationships. And nobody wants our advise because they find out they have to actually work at a partnership. Women want easy perfect blind romance, not relationship survival skills. Everybody wants what we have, nobody wants to work for it, most wanna see if they can divide us and the rest don't even want to see us. Very few lesbians have the ability to befriend a true lesbian couple. Lesbians are more of a "dosey doe your partner" breed of people.

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  61. My father's boss is a lesbian in her 40s or so, and she is married with two adopted kids. They've been together for twenty-four years now. It's kinda odd that they are like polar opposites, like a serious butch-femme relationship, and they even live in Park Slope, Brooklyn. They're the ones who made me realize that lesbians can live full and happy lives together, which led to my coming out later that year. There are plenty of girls out there who have been married to each other for a very long time.

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  62. I have the wife (27 years), the kid, the dog, the cat, and the overgrown garden.
    I'm a lucky happy lesbian.

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  63. I know two couples that have been together for over 20 years.. They are happy an so together... They dont go out much but do enjoy get togethers with other couples at their house for bbq's... so FL has some you just gotta look...

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  65. krista! i live in a really small town in upstate NY, but it happens to be a lesbian watering and nesting hole - i can count, let's see, 1 2 3 4...... 5.... *7* forty to fifty year old longterm lesbian couples. that's an entire 14 middle aged dykes who have been happily settled since forever! (or since i moved to town and met them, 7 years ago. long enough.)

    otherwise, a couple weeks ago my friend paula, 50-something yrs old, got engaged to her gf. so even if you don't settle before that.... this fine woman is proof positive that people can still want you. also, her girlfriend is really hot.

    guess i know a lot of old dykes. maybe it has something to do with being in a small town, where we are forced to chat over martinis at the ONE gay bar and share tofu kababs at the ONE monthly lez potluck? could the chicago queer underground be.... segregated?? unexpected woes of a larger scene!

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  66. hey Krista !

    Loves it!
    My girl and I have been high school sweet hearts and still going strong looking foward to our 10 year We go out when we can, but like you we don see any lesbian couples....

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  67. I know I'm a bit late to this party, but I have one for you:

    My parents. Lady-gays. Together 15 years. In their late 40's. Rural Wisconsin (by La Crosse, SPARRRTTAAA- to be more specific.) They raised me right outside of *Madison*.

    And now they have a charming hobby farm with a giganto-organic garden, 2 donkeys (JustJack and Calamity Jane [GAAYYY!]) 4 goats, 4 outdoor kitties, 4 indoor kitties, 2 puppies, and one 22 year old queer-daughter living in the basement. (Only during the school week. I swear.)

    And, mind you, they got together after I was BORN. Marrying into a single-parent family with a spoiled only child who has a crazy bio-father who always wears sweatpants and hasn't healed since he believes he turned his baby-momma into a 'mo?
    Bless my other-mothers heart. (To this day, her decision to do this makes me fear that shes hiding some COLOSSAL secret that made choosing us seem like a reasonable idea.)

    Regardless.
    They got married when I was in 4th grade. Now they spend their weekends arguing over the plot of 24, chasing their goats, cutting each others hair, and going to sleep at 9pm. <333

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  68. I don't know where the young lesbians are either. I know many older, settled lesbian couples who have been together a very long time, and although I'm single and older...I always wonder where all those 20-30 yo lesbians are! What I'm saying here is that I see my own demographic the most. I'd probably have to make an effort to be where lesbians of all ages might get together (like Pride or some lgbt awareness event, etc.) I don't know any of the older lesbians, single or not who go out to the bars. Lesbian couples are no different than straight couples. They settle down, do things that interest them, maybe raise a family, etc. And usually just hang out with their close circle of friends. Same with straights...

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  69. I am just discovering your blog, so my comments are a bit late in coming. By the way, LOVE your blog. As a tomboy-loving femme who grew up in the confines of a strict religion (seventh day adventist)...I totally get where you're coming from and REALLY appreciate your point of view and sense of humor.

    My girlfriend and I just marked 11 years together and are happier, more "in love", and having better sex than ever. We do not have kids, or dogs, nor do we own real estate together. However, we did finally get a family cell phone plan a few months ago and have a joint checking account for household expenses. After spending the first 10 years working my ass off to somewhat tame this feral tomboy, I fully expect that we will grow old together.

    Our social life doesn't revolve around our queerness, as mine did when I was a fresh, twenty-something party girl. Our evenings tend to end by 10:00, maybe 11:00 on rare occasions, and include art, music, or food related events. Clubs and bars just don't appeal anymore and late nights make for hard recovery the next day.

    All of the long-term lesbian couples we know in Denver have kids, which makes them even less likely to go out and hard to make plans with. Fortunately, we know plenty of other lesbian couples with similar lifestyles. Unfortunately, they are all spread out around the globe, so we end up spending a lot of time with straight people. Wish we could find a few local lesbian couples to hang with.....

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  70. Just found your blog, have been reading back over it, and love your style.

    My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years. We'll be getting married in September - traveling to Toronto to do it. We live in Florida which is very much a red state, so we don't go out much. Once you're this settled (dogs, house, garden, yep, you're right) there seems to be no point in going out anymore.

    ~Anissa

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  71. I think the times have changed since the older couples people are talking about started dating. The ones who have been together for 20+ years probably don't leave the house much because back in the day it wasn't kosher to be holding hands with another girl in public...it was probably just easier/more comfortable to stay in the house. Who knows how to times will change for you and your love, but it seems like you guys are really happy together so the future looks bright!

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  72. I work with a lesbian lady who has been with her "wife" for 11 years. They're thinking about getting married (or, civally unified) in october - 11 years in 11/2011.

    When her wife calls her at lunch, her face lights up, and she says to all and sundry "Wifey is calling!" and gets all pink in the face and smiley. They are the most beautiful couple I have ever seen and they make me believe in long-term love.

    She told me this story... Before they met, her wife wrote a list of everything the perfect person should have... And when they met, my workmate was everything on the list... Because her now -wife was straight and had forgotten to write 'man' on the list. She tells her straight friends that now and they all squeal in terror "Oh no! I'd better write man on it!" because they think they're going to turn into lesbians. The moral of the story: All women really want women.

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  73. If this could help.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosa_Bonheur

    Rosa Bonheur was a kickass animal painter who went to butcher houses for research and IN TROUSERS. Yea it was kinda a big deal back in ye olde days.

    But the main thing here is she lived with her teenage friend for the rest of her life.

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  74. We have friends who have been together for 15 years ... house, dogs etc :)

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  75. I was with my ex girlfriend for 15 years. 15 freaking years. We were together when I got my first gray hair AND when I experienced my first pre-menopausal hotflash. Then we split - in a very ugly fashion. My advice - enjoy the good times, however long they last. Hooray if it lasts forever, but if it doesn't, not all the good ones are taken - I promise! I'm in a new relationship and happier than I can ever remember being - yay! :)

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  76. I know these women that have been together since wayyy before I was born, who have a big house and chickens, a couple dogs, horses (FREAKING HORSES--I Know!), and have teenagers, not theirs, that just drop in and hang out, and fix things/work around the house. they have careers, and share a spiritual path to boot.
    BOOM they are roll models.

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  77. and they're in their 60's. ^^^them.

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  78. there's a netflix documentary about a long term lesbo couple that have been together since the 50s

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