Thursday, August 12, 2010

She Walk Like A Boss

[via cherrylolita]
What's up, queers?

I got a new job.  


CJ made me.

She said she was "fairly certain" that I was allllll rested up from my last job (meaning that I've been sleeping approximately 14 hours a day since the end of May), and that now it was time to ease back into the real world.    
[via lesfemmes]
According to CJ, "Splitting the Rent 50/50 Means That You Pay Half the Rent."

She's so selfish and greedy.
My nerves!  Think of my nerves!

Anyway! I started sending out resumes and cover letters.  

I did this for a few weeks from inside the Star Lounge, a cafe near my house. 
 Getting a job is easy when you don't care where you work.

See, sitting for hours at a time, I carefully copy the body of my sister's excellent job-getting cover letter.  

Then I change the title to whatever job I'm applying for, plug in my "skills and qualifications" where hers are, and slip in a paragraph specific enough to make it sound like this is a personal, researched cover letter.

This has worked for me for years.   Thanks, Shelley.

But the job-hunting was mostly a half-hearted effort.

Homos, I don't know about you all, but I've been working since I was 15, and I've had over 30 jobs, and I'm tired now. 

Among the jobs I've had:  

1) Shift leader at a linen-washing factory in Green Bay, WI.  

The company was called Bay Towel, and they washed aprons and rag towels that came from all the slaughterhouses in the city.
I had to wear rubber shoe/pants ominously called "muckers."

You can't imagine the flies. 

When I left for college, an employee named Horatio bought me a switchblade as a going-away present. 

"Be careful in Minneapolis," he said. "I know what bad men do to blond girls in big cities, ok?" 

He taught me to use it on our lunch breaks behind the dumpsters.

2) Janitor in my dormitory at the University of Minnesota.  

Nothing like the toilets in the girl's bathroom the morning after Greek Week.

3) Overnight supervisor at a group home for developmentally-disabled men.  

It's true what they say - everyone dies in the middle of the night.  

I once, at 4 a.m., watched an ambulance guy playfully pretend to choke one of my favorite clients, Peter, who had just died, and say, "They should be put out of their misery, anyway - sucking up our tax dollars."  

It was Thanksgiving. 
Peter used to clap his hands in time when I sang Paul Simon songs.

[via lesfemmes]

I've been a salesgirl.  
I was a phone sex operator.  
I've been the editor of an amazingly dull magazine that taught Taiwanese teenagers English, and I've been a waitress, a hostess, and a barista.
I've been a kindergarten teacher and someone who sold cheese.  

I've worked in cubicles.  
I've edited addiction-recovery websites, bank newsletters, and online health-care forums.  
I've worked in formal-ass buildings where I had to wear suits and conservative heels and say things like,"Hi, Susan!  Did you get up to anything fun this weekend?" and contribute to office baby showers.

I've travelled across the country setting up seminars.  
I've been a mystery-shopper.  

I sold encyclopedias, door-to-door, in Midwest City, Oklahoma for one truly ill-planned summer. 

And far from figuring out what I'd like to do for a career, I just keep adding jobs to a massive list.  

The Things I Don't Want to Do list.

It was always my plan that if I crossed off enough job categories, I would come, at the end, to My Perfect Job.   

Like when they asked Michelangelo:  "Hey, how did you sculpt David?" and he said, "That's easy. All I have to do is chip away everything that is not David."

That's how I figured I'd come to my career choice.  You know, chip away everything that is not a good job.

It turns out there are a lot more jobs to chip away than I thought.
[by startingaspeople]

But!  In the meantime, while I'm planning my next step, my new job is really fun.

I managed to convince a bakery that I wanted nothing more than to be a pastry chef, so they took me on, promising to teach me to decorate cakes.

Buttercream!  Mousse!  Ganache! All day long!  
I'm in heaven.  

Since I'm allergic to everything we make (cake = gluten + dairy = the kind of stomach cramps where you lay on the tile bathroom floor and explain to God that you've lived a full life and are ready to die), I've been having fun experimenting with mind control.

[by carbonblack]
Every time I smell something delicious baking, I try to immediately think, "That's what poison smells like.  Cake equals poison."

It wasn't helping, so at home, I googled the phrase "skin boil" and chose the grossest picture.  

Printed it out, laminated it, and put it in the pocket of my apron at work.

If the mind control is not working, and the cake at the bakery smells so amazing that I must. take. a. bite...

I pull this out of my pocket:

It's totally working.

This morning, I went to the bakery, and there was apricot brioche in the oven.    
The first thing - literally! the first thing - that popped into my head was:  "Poison.  Brioche smells like death."


And guess what else?  
There are dykes at my job.  
[via lesfemmes]
And some of them are Cool Girls - bike-ridin', skinny-jeans-wearing, tattooed, pierced, sarcastic cute ladies.  

[via nomoderngrrrl]

I want to be friends with them.

Which leads me to my really major problem, and the whole reason I'm posting this, because I need your advice:

When you're a lesbian, and you know the girl you want to be friends with is a lesbian ('cause you asked around, real casual-like), how do you ask her out as friends?

You can't just say, "Hey, want to get a drink sometime?  Just-as-friends-though-I'm-totally-not-asking-you-out."

That's lame. 
[via saymmantha]
What do I doooooo?

Sometimes it's tricky being gay. 

This is like being in fucking middle school.
I don't want anyone to think I
like like them!
Starting over is balls.

I'm in a brand-new city!  

And I've never had to try making dyke friends without the help of:

a) another network of homos I already know,
b) a shared thing we hate (i.e. school)
c) my crotch.

[thanks O.Y.!]
Lezzies, I need your advice. 

How do you ask women out as friends?


  1. Make it a group thing!

    "Hey, Awesome Queer I Want To Befriend, my girl and I are going out to throw things at unattractive people. Want to come with? Bring a friend!"

  2. God, I kind of suck at this too but I did tried the group work like magic.. =)

  3. Tell them you write effing dykes.


  4. i think the craig's list "missed connections" section is *always* a good choice...

    ha, kidding. ;)

    but really, i think if you're just careful WHAT you ask them out to do, you should be good. skip anything that might seem date-y. are you on speaking terms w/ the "cool lesbians"? if so, just glom on to something they say and then flip it into a frienddate. for instance:

    Cool Lesbian: "damn, i can't believe Awesome Indie Band* is coming to town...!"
    You: "ZOMG i heart Awesome Indie Band, too! i wanted to go to the show, but i'm new in town and don't know where Hole In The Wall Dive Bar is... we should go ~ my roommate loves them too!"
    CL: "cutetimes ~ text me your number."
    You: "done."

    *NOTE: i have no idea what cool people like/hang out/listen to, because i'm not one. sads.

  5. I'll tell you what NOT to do:

    Ask her if she's going to the new club night for gay girls.

    'Cause then she'll end up making out with you when she's drunk and you'll be all like "this is awkward, I like you as a friend, blahblah".

    Not that this happened to me or anything.

  6. say, i'm a fag 2 letz hang out!

  7. make sure you casually mention your gf in a conversation. Then (a bit later, like, the next day) ask if she wants to grab a whatever sometime, and maybe your gf or her gf, "if you have one" could join you, too! Then it is clear it isn't a date thing because you want your sig other (theoretically) or her sig other (theoretically) to join you in a group hang out.

    You can get into the open relationship thing later, if a good friendship develops. Good luck!!

  8. "My girlfriend says I need more friends, want to get a drink?"


    "Want to hit the bar a check out the girls?"

    Those should work! Variations of them have worked for me.

  9. i am from green bay.... so it was hilarious reading this.

  10. Congrats on the new job!

    Making friends with other lesbians is somehow easier for me than if I was trying to connect with straight women, perhaps because experience has shown me that there is a chance they too will think you are asking them out on a date, but they tend to react different to that idea than most lesbians would do…

    Regardless, with both lesbian and straight friend potentials I would have mentioned my gf early on since it’s my easiest and most non-dramatic coming out method… I usually wait with mentioning that we have an open relationship till later. Going out to check out people together seems like a good option too, although I have never used it myself as an opener for a friendship.

    Also, an opening could be to mention that you are new in town and want to find the good places to go or get to know some dykes who are not already friends of your gf. I’m sure most people can relate to the experience of needing friends who are your ‘own’…

    Hope it works out well, I’m sure it will. And by the way, hung out with some of those cool bike-dykes when I was in Chicago recently, so I’m kinda envious (in a good way)…

  11. I have almost no gay/lez friends precisely because of this dilemma.


    Now that I've just finally today mailed you a box of Sharpies in Rainbow've moved. I hope you set up a forwarding address.

  12. The only way I've been able to do it is by saying, "we should all go out after work for some drinks," to multiple people at once. Group=friends. One on one invitations leave too much room for misinterpretation. Or, you can say, "I think you, *other coworker*, and I should totally hang out outside of work. That works like a charm!

  13. Stands next to Ms. EH and nods vigorously.

    Also. I want to sleep fourteen hours a day. Sob.

    LeHeavySigh on the "check off jobs" thaing. I've got my own version of that angst going on these days. Your way of expressing it is much funnier and oh-so-cool. Just sayin.

  14. Say you and CJ are totally monogamous sort of.
    And then try to keep your filthy hands to yourself.
    You slutty whore.
    Love you!

  15. Just be awesome and sarcastic and funny. If you're awesome they'll wanna be friends with you. If they don't, they suck, and there's no reason for you to continue being nice to them.

  16. I'm having the opposite problem. I'm in a newly open relationship, but everyone thinks I just want to be friends, or at least don't want to mess with my longtime steady. Is there a slick way to say, "Yeah I'm attached but we're in an open relationship and that's why I'm flirting with you like crazy want to make out?"

    1. I've pretty much said just that and its worked out fine.

  17. Let it happen naturally. Don't force it. Mention your fav lil peice, joke around about girls. Get to know them and then when one of them is talking about doing something later, invite yourself or wait for them to invite you when you mention that "sounds like fun".

    Just like dating, friends don't want friends who seem desparate.

  18. This is the number one reason I am involved in queer activism. Equality shmequality. I need dyke pals.

  19. i never even knew there was the possibility of asking girls out just to be friends...

  20. what dorm did you live in? if i may ask?

  21. Sonofabitch! even YOU have this problem? we are all doomed...

  22. Okay, kid. Advice from a retired Working Chef....
    A six or twelve pack of GOOD beer suddenly appearing at the end of a shift does wonders. Make sure to provide one for every one in the class. You will make friends.

    Also, it has been my experience (20 yrs) that the pastry people ( I was a hot line Chef) have the best taste in bud. They always seem to have the hydro. Always, no matter what state you work in.

    Kitchen dykes are a different breed. Slow to make friends ( we have to KNOW you can handle the work, people come and go...alot) and fierce in loyalty when they do.
    Be your self, work and learn, and you will be fine.

  23. I got my Kelly has a Question fix! What ever happened to Jason is Overly Interested?

  24. I just tell everyone I need some friends, some homorific dyke friends. I explain I have no friends (here). I do this while laughing at self cause I mean it. I now have nearly two friends, and am closing in on a third. Nine months later, I know that is impressive for an outgoing person. Ha.

    However, I can recommend refraining from really overserving yourself in the hours prior to and during your friend date. Sometimes you have to then go backwards.

  25. In my experience as someone who is just your type and excellent at making friends even with people that I'd rather pleasure for hours on end...

    1. Even when you ask to hang out with someone, lesbians never assume its a date. At 33, its become much easier to figure out, but I can't count how many times I was out with someone in spending the whole time whether this move or that gesture made it a date or not. Luckily I have managed to get laid despite this but I have also made some solid friends without sleeping with them for the same reason.

    2.Ask to hang out with them for a drink or whatever. And then don't make a move. I bet it will work. And one thing we all suck at is saying no, so if this friend is bold enough to make a move, try no thanks. Its better than going home with someone you are into that has twenty lizards, no?

  26. what about just being honest and saying, "i have a friend crush on you want to hang?" It worked on me before.

  27. i have no advice for you about girls, but if you wanna be really grossed out at work, screw the skin boils. google image "mrsa". your life will be over.

  28. dear krista:

    i'mma need you to get your act together and start posting like crazy now. last night i diligently read every. single. post. that you have made since the beginning, and gurrrrrrrrrl i am hooked on this shit like a krista on white cotton underpants.

    soooooooo, another week of debauchery maybe? idk idk. but this effing dyke is your new biggest fan. just so you know.


  29. whenever I want to be just-friends with a lesbo I just pretend that they're either a guy, or a straight girl (but not the bicurious-bitches kind). That way I just treat them like a normal person and it IS NOT WEIRD.

    Unfortunately, that hasn't seemed to work %100, because sometimes lesbians get paranoid about other lesbians and assume that you're hitting on them just because you're also a lesbian but you seriously aren't. It's only a matter of time before they just understand that you just want to be friends though, right? If you work together it'll be glaringly obvious.

  30. Remember when we worked together for that auto glass company where my dad was our boss and we got to ask people, "Do you have any cracks or chips in your windshield?"

    Bumbly, bumbly, bumbly!

  31. OMG you have my dream job! WHY am I the only dyke at my restaurant!

  32. you: "hey. don't think i'm a creep or anything, but i'm a homo and i have been told that you are too. be my friend?" *at this point, try your best to look like a lost kitten*

    them: *awkward laugh* sure. you're kinda odd, but funny. who told you i was gay?

    works like a charm.

  33. On my accounts guys and girls cant be real friends. I guess that could just boil down to boys being unable to control parts of their anatomy but I'm pretty sure girls play their part. So I wonder if Dike on Dike friendship can actually happen?

  34. Whaaa the same thing happen to me. I'm straight and I met this girl who was bi and I just wanted to be friends but we kept on having sex but I'm straight so it was kind of meh and NOW SHE GOT A WHOLE NEW TWITTER ACCOUNT TO AVOID ME.

  35. This one is a tricky one, I am on the same boat! Asking a girl out even if its just as friends, is a double blade sword, and stupid enough, girls will always think one is hitting on then no matter what. Is an ego thing. They like to have something to brag about to their friends.

  36. i imagine that they are straight and boring... works 40% of the time... the other times i give up and then just do the due and just have fun ;)

  37. I once had a power femme queer approach me and say, "I have a friend crush on you. Can I have your number?" Epic win. Totally my new femme. Friend LOOOOOVE.

  38. Why why why does every gay want to be friends with gays just because they are gay? Seriously?

    If they are an awesome person who is worth knowing: make friends

    If they aren't an awesome person who is worth knowing: whatever

    I know for a fact that if I found out anyone (gay or straight) wanted to make friends with me just because I am gay I'd be like:


    And leave them to their life