Friday, August 20, 2010

Heads Up 7-Up


Ciao, skirt-chasers!

I dropped a wedding cake at work.

Right in front of the happy couple's parents.  
On the morning of the wedding.

Whee.



I think that might have to rank as one of my Top 5 Worst Moments, ever.

The Top 5 Worst Moments List changes all the time, but includes:


1)  Getting caught by a group of popular girls while picking my nose in the library beanbag chairs at Bay View Middle School.




2)  Sleeping over at my friend Tara's house in high school, waking up in the middle of the night thirsty, going into the kitchen, and seeing Tara's mom buck-naked and smoking.
  
She was pale - so pale.  She had a massive fupa, and a bush that was so huge it looked like a Narnian elf-beard.  

I was frozen to the spot with horror.
She looked over at me (3 a.m., people!), exhaled toward the ceiling, and calmly said "Don't tell Tara." 



3)  Lying to CJ and telling her I loved camping so I could trick her into being my girlfriend and then having to go camping.

[via hipcumon]

4)  Turning the corner to my apartment when I lived in Italy and seeing a boy suddenly crash his Vespa, fly into oncoming traffic, and get run over.   
I heard the crunch.  
He was killed.



5) Realizing there was a camel spider (Google it) in our kitchen in Mexico and he sure as fuck wasn't scared of us.  


I felt worse about dropping the wedding cake than I did the time I  slept over at my friend Gina's house, got food poisoning, and shat her bed in the middle of the night with her lying next to me.

Diarrhea in a girl's bed.  



Wedding cake felt worse.

But!  I'm not fired.  
Not fired, even though I smushed the symbol of two young people's happiness.

Speaking of marriages, homos, my sister is getting married next weekend.  I'm going to be in Minneapolis alllll week long, making myself positively sick as I overdose on lesbians.  Can't wait.  

[via shoopik]

Before I go Minneapolis, though, we need to talk about something.  


Something gay. 



Something that is so gay I never even thought to mention it, assuming that it was obvious.


The Lesbian Backwards-Head-Nod.




You know what I'm talking about.


This is some serious gaydar shit, here.  


We are the Dyke Body Language graduating class of '10.

[via lesfemmes]

The Lesbian Backwards-Head-Nod is known by many other names. 


The Whad-Up.  The Dyke Nod.  The Jaw Jut.  The Chin-Up.  Family Face.  The How-You-Doin'.  The Lesbian Hello.  

I myself call it the
Dyke Nod.  Fast and thoroughly descriptive.  



[via hellogirls]


Q:  But what is the Dyke Nod?


A:  The Dyke Nod is a body-language thing that only lesbians do. The Dyke Nod is when a dyke, upon seeing someone she knows, elects to acknowledge that person with her chin.  


Sometimes this greeting is accompanied by a "Hey, what's up," and sometimes it's just the strong and silent way of saying hi. 

[via fyeahtashatilberg]


Mea's gonna show y'all how to do it proper-like! 


Here's how you do the Dyke Nod to another girl:


1) Sight your target.  She could be across the room or across the table.  It doesn't matter. Look her in the eye.



2) Raise both your eyebrows slightly.  



3)  Keeping your mouth shut, arrange your face into:
         a) faint surprise
         b) a slight smile
         c) a "cool" look  (choose between "I'm-a-hardass-and-I-know-you-and-don't-like-you" or "I'm so fucking high right now.") 
Either one is good.



4) Stick your chin out and tilt it up.



5)  Annnnnnnnd bring it back down.



The perfect Dyke Nod!  Appropriate for all social occasions!




The most important thing to remember about the Dyke Nod: 


Only. Dykes. Do. It.


This is a crucial weapon in your gaydar arsenal.
  
Recognizing the Dyke Nod will give you a leg up on all the poor clueless lonely homogirls who don't know about this shit.

[via heyi'msarah]
Situations!


Sometimes a lesbian gives you the Dyke Nod in public because she is recognizing you, a stranger, as another lesbian.  

It's nice. 
Kind of a "hey-you're-in-the-club-I-don't-know-you-but-hey-there-you-are" look.  

Hetty (by Mick)


Sometimes you get the Dyke Nod because the nodder is just too cool for school and working on her mysteriousness.  

This happens a lot in bars.




There are tons of ways to use the Dyke Nod!  


You could be on your phone, distracted, and find yourself meeting a friend of a friend on your way out of a restaurant.

That would be an excellent occasion for the Dyke Nod.
[via lesfemmes]


You could be out dancing, beer in hand, and suddenly see the asshole woman who stole your girlfriend last summer.  

Quick!  Press your lips into a tight line! Jut your chin out! 
You see that motherfucker, you know who she is, but there ain't shit to say.  
Do the Dyke Nod!  Save yourself!


Lesbians across the board do the Dyke Nod.


Femmes do it.  Butches do it.  Bois do it.  Sporty dykes do it like it's their job.  Old dykes and baby dykes - everybody does it.

[via hellogirls]

And if a girl does it to you, she's a homosexual.  

Ta-daaa! The Dyke Nod!
Simple.

Easy.

Just like your mom.

61 comments:

  1. I'd just like you to know that when I google-imaged "camel spider" I got a picture of a camel dressed in a Spiderman costume. Scary, indeed.

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  2. where were you when i was a kid? i could've used this as a guide growing up to realise how dyke-y my body language was.

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  3. OMG I love this! I laughed the entire time (except for that part about the dude, sorry). You just confirmed something I've always suspected

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  4. Ha Ha. Just like your mom...

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  5. I was so confused about my roommate freshman year, because whenever she'd see me on campus she'd smile and give me a dyke nod, but then I walked in on her fucking a guy in our room. What was she trying to say to me?! (and who doesn't lock the door when they're fucking?)

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  6. My awesome dyke nod is one of the many things my girlfriend adores about me...

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  7. Ahh the dyke nod. The close cousin of the dyke smirk. Usually used in concert as the subconscious alert to the immediate vicinity that you are here, queer, and just a bit too lazy to use proper greetings.

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  8. Ha! Dropping a wedding cake...I gasped out loud when I read that.
    Makes me not sure whether to laugh or cry....

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  9. Mea's even re-capping your excellent lesson on THE FEDORA!

    look at her be a super-homo. <3

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  10. Well, I'll be! I'm going to Minneapolis the week after next.

    I remember the first time I received a dyke nod. I ran around beaming and then trying to be cool and not beam and then beaming anyway for, like, at least two weeks afterward. "Omgshecouldseemyqueerdom! Thisisgreativearrived!"

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  11. fuck-a-duck. this is something i never do. in fact i'd go as far as to say i am not a fan (distain?) does that make me straight? but i do enjoy wing tipped shirts... i like to think that makes up for it

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  12. Oh thank GOD. Another post. See - I'm too desperate for a Dyke Nod. I'm more of a gasping lunge sort of gal. It's not pretty.

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  13. i swear to GOD that bi girls do the dyke nod.

    even ones that are engaged (to BOYS!).

    i'm living proof!

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  14. Shiiiit. I hope you submitted that to FML. That's a bitchin' sad moment. But wait! Was the cake fixed??

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  15. fuck. i literally did the dyke nod five seconds before i read this.

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  16. Damn. I generally don't think of myself as particularly "dyke-y" (my muff-diving record notwithstanding), but every time I read your blog... The Dyke Nod is just another example of my unconscious dyke-ness. I didn't even know I did it until I read this post! Thanks, Effing Dykes for outing me!

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  17. In New Zealand, everyone does this. We either think it's "gangsta" or by doing it we're mocking people who think it's gangsta.

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  18. http://effingdykes.blogpsot.com/

    ^
    l

    have you ever been to there??? hahahahaha

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  19. I do this sometimes but mostly I try not to because I feel like I'm too femme / not cool enough. lol
    I was actually just talking about the nod to my friend, who needed a photo of Justin Bieber. I told her to find one of him doing that nod that lesbians do.

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  20. Your a genius! this is mabye more genius then your acknowledgment of the dyke smirk! OH GAWD the dyke smirk!! I have never received the dyke nod, but I'm only 16 so give me time. I'm to much of a lipstick to naturaly do the Dyke nod my self, but I'll try and work it in now and then.

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  21. Like Cyannn I'm from NZ and yeah everyone uses it.

    In my mind it's just wordlessly acknowledging someone you know, but might not know well enough to properly greet, or someone you just can't be bothered talking to.

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  22. like SLC, I'm also totally outed by this post. unfortunately when I'm around cute women, I can't manage the nod. I just blush and/or faint. not cool, y'all.

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    Replies
    1. I know this was posted, like two years ago, but I have to completely agree. I try to practice the nod in front of the mirror, (imagining that I am not nodding at my reflection, but some completely attractive other boi/butch/whatever) but when I do, I can't help but smile a little too much (which I do all the time anyway),and blush (ugh, rosacea). I'm hopeless, and like you said, not cool.

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  23. Kia ora! I'm from Aotearoa/New Zealand too, and, yup, aaalllll the 'cool' - slightly tough - peeps - men, women, gay/queer/straight do the 'dyke nod'. Daammmn. Makes sussing out the dykes a LOT harder!

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  24. Incredibly true. What would any of us do without the dyke nod?!

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  25. Yeah, the dyke nod is something I love to use, and know as our secret homo-code.
    Fuck star tattoos, flagging and all those sneaky things.
    The nod will tell you in about 3 seconds if the girl on the street is a dyke or not. And that is ALL you need to know. Gotta keep tabs on the population.

    On a not intirely unrelated note; Last night Sburg, the adorable little boi went to SAPIEN, the newest gay bar.

    I got nodded at. I got my little tush pinched by a drag queen. I got my ID very very VERY carefully inspected every time I went near the bar to make sure I was 18. (Legal bitches!)

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  26. What I really love is the dyke nod, answered by the dyke smirk, smirk is echoed by the nodder, and then the nod is returned.

    It feels a little like a secret lesbian handshake.

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  27. Hahahaha,I'm straight..and do the Dyke nod...did it to two Dykes last Saturday when they nodded their thanks at me for stopping before the crosswalk. What does that mean?lol

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  28. It's so nice to read other comments from New Zealand. I was thinking "Hey, are we a land of homos (I wish) or is there a cultural divide happening here?" Maybe we need to reclaim the nod.

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  29. This blog is amazing. I never realized that I do the nod until I read this. No wonder my mom (who is a lesbian) says that it's easy to tell that I'm not straight.

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  30. How was I so gay before I even knew I was gay!?!?! Fedoras, dyke nodding, an inexplicable love for the smell of Home Depot. I would have known so much sooner if I had read this!

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  31. Old school lipstick breeder dyke here in SLC Ut. How is it I could be out 18 years now and not have seen the dyke nod for what it is? Perhaps the super mormony upbringing, perhaps being partnered and raising kids together for 10 years? Why just yesterday I did the dyke nod to a new cute butch respiratory therapist student in my ICU......dyke smirk in return. Brilliant! I love it when there is a name for stuff we do.

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  32. I informed my girlfriend about this post over the weekend and she told me that she did not think she had ever done the "dyke nod" before. As an experienced "nodder" I was shocked. I decided she needed some immediate practice. She tried the nod a few times during a trip to Disneyland. Verdict - Disneyland is gay.

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  33. Bros definitely also do this, at least where I live (US Mid-Atlantic). We call it the Bro Nod.

    But I mean, on some levels tehre's not that much difference between bros and dykes: we like beer and hats and women, right?

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  34. OH MY GOD. I did the Dyke Nod yesterday passing a girl, and I DIDN'T KNOW WHY. Now I know it's because I thought she was a lesbian. Pretty sure she was, because she waved at me awkwardly. Hehehe.

    If I had known that this nod was reserved for lesbians, I would have figured myself out a loooong time ago.

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  35. Gotta be that one straight girl who conflicts with your theory. I am super straight...I love men. Got me a great one in the next room. I love men so much, I even birthed a boy-child. And I do the nod. I've done it forever. Sorry to muddle things up for you ladies.

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  36. Love that last line, Krissy. It's so classic you. Miss you, pookie!

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  37. "just like your mom" Bwahahha! and also, anonymous super straight girl: There is a reason you are lurking around a dyke blog, STRIDENTLY asserting your super straight girl status AND doing the dyke nod......just cause you are married and have a kid doesn't mean you aren't a dyke, I dare you to ask me how I know. Again, Bwahahahahah. we'll talk in 5 years when nature has had her way with you.

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  38. I personally learned this nod from Seinfeld.

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  39. ^2. Sorry to burst your bubble. Not lurking. I enjoy the blog. I think the writer has a great sense of humor and style. A gay friend of mine introduced me to it :) He's cool like that. I also like to read up on here to better understand my sister. She's a big ol' lezzie and all her friends are big ol' lezzies and love to tell me how much being a lezzie rocks. And since I am stuck in a conservative, middle of nowhere town in Texas, it's nice to be able to interact with a different culture. Trust me, the only vagina I am interested in is my own :)

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  40. oooh K you are funny lady!! T

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  41. Holy fuckshit, why did you tell me to look up camel spiders? DON'T YOU KNOW I MIGHT JUST DO WHAT YOU SAY?!
    So much for trying to go to bed now. I am terrified those things are going to come eat me if I close my eyes. D:

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  42. This is so funny! Had no idea there was such a thing as a "dyke nod," but have been doing it! I'm a bi girl here, but I often do it just as a way to say, "I see you..and you have the gay!" Mine is not very "come hither" or aggressive at all and I do not do it to people I know. For me it's just my way of communicating to a woman I see that I know she's gay.

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  43. I'm from New Zealand too, and I was reading this post and thinking... "but everybody does it". Reading the comments shows me it must be a local phenomenon!!!

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  44. Help a sister out...

    I learned the Dyke Nod from my ex. She even got free drinks for it! Jealously, I tried... and tried... and tried!
    BUT because of my long hair, and assumed girlyness, ALL DYKES EVER DO is look at me with weird grimaces, asking "why did that straight girl just nod at us?"

    It sucks. It makes me want to get a mullet.

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  45. Sorry, everyone (not just dykes) does it in Hawaii too. Though the "butcher" you are, the more likely you are to do it. :)

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  46. Ha ha I've been doing this for years and I only recently realized I liked women. There you have it, I suppose.

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  47. Yeah, everyone in Hawaii does this, and old cholos, homeboys, gang bangers...they've been doing this for many a year

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  48. I read this blog and then realize I do this all the time! I didn't even know it existed :P

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  49. Haha oh god, I just figured out I am a lesbian not to long ago, and I have been doing the dyke nod for forever!

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  50. I do it once in a while, yet everyone still assumes I'm the straightest thing since sliced bread. Bah.

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  51. I've stumbled across this wonderful happenstance after returning to the office from an all night drinking session;on a Tuesday;over here in hong kong.

    Spaghetti Odin only knows how a search for and English translation of some chinese characters brought me here but I'm in.

    5 worst moments list: magical.

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  52. I did this before I even knew I was a lesbian.

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  53. I never knew about this! Finally one lesbian like thing that I unconsciously do!

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  54. Omg reading this I do the dyke look and didn't even no it O_o well another reason my friends say I'm the gayist, also the youngest in the group
    Jajaja I'm in shook really :P

    I'm 17 my friends are from 21to 26

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  55. I only just came out a month ago, and I've been doing this dyke-nod thing for ages. You're spot on!

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  56. Straight men do this so-called "dyke nod" too, you know.

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  58. Sooo...the Dyke Nod. Why is this not discussed more often when talking Gaydar? You know what is? That "holding eye contact longer than normal" crap. Well, what if girls are uncomfortable doing that? What if girls (ahem) blush when they hold eye contact longer than normal? What if a girl just. can't. do. it. And what if you're looking for tLong Eye Contact as a "sign" and you can't find it (mostly because you can't do it long enough to find out if *they* are doing it?!)...but you get a nod + smirk (smirking = thanks to your other post). HELLO?! WHY AM I JUST NOW READING ABOUT THIS?! Not just from you...but anywhere?! The Nod! The smirk! Two things I can DO! Two things I've actually seen...quite often, but never put two and two together! Thank you. <3

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