Monday, July 12, 2010

They Let Anyone In


Hi there, homophiles!



This summer is getting on my fucking nerves.


Here's why: 

I live across the street from a Ukrainian Orthodox Church. 


Now, this was a selling point when we looked at the apartment last year.

It would be so pretty, right?  We'd look out our front window and see green, well-manicured lawns. 
We'd see priests in odd hats. 
Mosaics and shit. 


We were thrilled.

There was actually a choir singing as we signed the lease.
How quaint!

Well, as it turns out, this branch of the Ukrainian Orthodox Church likes to throw parties.
At least once a week, they rent out a sound system and have themselves one helluva polka party. 

                                                        [by water&sleep]

All the neighborhood old people come to dance, and there's a rummage sale, and a wiener roast, and lots of beer drinking.  Rousing choruses of old country songs.  Right across the street!
Fun, right?


Drunken Ukrainian karaoke ensues.
Until about 3 in the morning.


I used to think this was charming - an adorable quirk of my neighborhood.


But now...I would do anything to get the Ukrainian polka music to stop. 

Do you hear me. 

ANYTHING.


The church members don't care that the whole neighborhood calls the police every Friday and Saturday night since summer started - the congregation is first-generation, they're all in their seventies and eighties, and they're all tough as fuck.


They're like, "Ooh, look, the cops are here.  We're making too much noise. Well, guess what, officer?  We survived Chernobyl. What now, bitch?"


Hmph.

I'm also sulking because I have been humiliated this summer.


I went to a party last week, and while I was publicly mocking CJ for thinking the words to 'Besame Mucho' were 'Tresemme Mucho' (so, what - kiss me, but make sure you have plenty of volume and shine?), she got fed up and accidentally-on-purpose let it slip to a room full of lesbians that I failed Women's Studies in college.


My secret! My closely-guarded lesbian secret!  CJ told on me!

The room went silent.

Twenty pairs of lesbian eyes cut to me.  Twenty sets of lesbian lips quirked upwards.
There was a split-second of quiet, and then...

Twenty lesbians started laughing at me.

Laughing!  At me!  Not with me - at me!
The shame!  The unmitigated shame!


That's the last time I tell lil' CJ anything.

My secret's out.  
And fuckit, I might as well tell y'all - it's a true story.

I failed Women's Studies in college.
Failed. Got an F.

                                                          [via justmeamandaleigh]

But homos, it wasn't my fault.

I was 20 and newly gay.  I was dying to have a girlfriend, and I had heard that Women's Studies classes were full of lesbians.
So I signed up for Women's Studies to meet girls. 
Brilliant, right? 

Probably no baby dyke in the history of the world had ever thought of that before.
                                             [via smartmouthkillerhand]

But when I showed up, pink with excitement, for the first day... there wasn't a single cute girl in my class.

Except for one.

My professor.

                                              [by Alyssa Noches]

My professor, Sharada, was an incredibly beautiful Indian woman who had this long, black, shiny, thick braid.

You guys, it fell past her knees.

I had never seen anything like her.

Sharada was in her mid-40's and had gorgeous brown skin and liquid dark eyes.  She wore dangly gold earrings that shimmered in the light.  She talked really fast, had skinny wrists, and perched on the top of the table in the front of the room as she taught.

It was love at first sight.

                                                [via hellogirls]

My god. My GOD.

Sharada could have been talking about anything - I was captivated.

As I stared at her, week after week, phrases like "the other" and "culture of oppression" came swimming to my ears like something out of a golden dream.

I blinked and nodded for months.

Whatever she said. 

Societal expectations.  Normative.  Patriarchal structure.

Whatever.

I sat in the front row, inhaled Sharada's smell, and never missed a class.
                                               [via ohcardigan]

So...I didn't pay attention. 

But here's the reason I failed:

Every day, while sitting on the table expounding about the history of feminism, Sharada would pull her braid into her hands and absentmindedly undo it.


She would talk to us about matriarchal civilizations while dipping her fingers through that thick twist of black, silky hair.

Cool black water running though her hands.  A slinky snake of shininess.

I was transfixed.

What the fuck.

What was she trying to do to me?
All I wanted was to bury my face in that hair.

Or, um, lay naked while Sharada cloaked my body with her midnight tresses.  

When the final exam  (80% of our grade)  came, it was like being startled awake while sleepwalking. 

I stared at the pages of the test in shock - the questions were like a foreign language.
The essays I simply skipped.

Women's Studies, to date, remains the only class I have ever failed.

And the irony is that I failed because I was studying a woman.


Gayelles, a few years later, I looked at my notebook from that class.

Apart from approximately 33 sketches of a faceless woman with long black hair, I never took a single note.

There is not one note. 
Not one date - not one sentence in my Women's Studies notebook from Fall Semester 2004.



Twinks, I always kinda thought that failing Women's Studies made me a "bad" lesbian.

That's why I never told anybody about it.

It's something that goes against the culture of our tribe.

It's like being a beaver who wants to take Irish clogging instead of learn how to build a dam.

It's something that simply isn't done.  It's on par with not knowing who Ani DiFranco is or not having a crush on Angelina Jolie.

It's like being a dyke who's repulsed by vaginas.
It's like admitting that you've never read The Well of Loneliness or getting drunk and telling a bar full of lezzes that you've always found k.d. lang to be a little cheesy.

WHAT KIND OF A LESBIAN ARE YOU???

So now I have a question for you, queers:

What's YOUR dirty little secret?  What makes YOU a bad lesbian?

[via lesfemmes]

Please tell me.  I could use some comforting right now.

74 comments:

  1. I was co-president of my university's gay-straight alliance in Dayton, OH for two years (involved in it for 3). Dayton is the home of Masque - a gay club listed as second best in the nation (I think... it's pretty up there at least) and I had never been. And get this - my English professor had been to it and was the one who told me it's one of the top gay clubs in the nation. HE IS A STRAIGHT MALE. A straight male is a better gay than me! On top of that, I had never even been to a gay club/bar until my 21st birthday. Which was last October.

    I don't have a crush on Angelina Jolie. I've never been to a pride parade. And I was worried about passing my Feminist Social Change class (a women's studies class - I ended up getting a C in it).

    I'm a bad lesbian.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can't stand Angelina Jolie and I never even took Women's Studies and my biggest crush right now is on Taylor Lautner, FTW.

    AND PS. Guess what I am actually mailing you this week?

    You guessed it. SHARPIES.
    .

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know what happened to my last sentence there, but it said:

    I'm sorry I suck and I forgot to mail them to you for so long. :(

    ReplyDelete
  4. lmfao oh jesus:
    + never had a crush on angelina jolie - think she's a fantastic woman in her own right, but she just doesn't do it for me
    + have never actually listened to tegan and sara, much less am a fan
    + have yet to take a women's studies class

    ...also i am completely jealous of you because a) you took that class and b) hot -damn- that's one smoking professor. i would've flunked too.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I believe I may be the only lesbian to attend UC Santa Cruz and not take Intro to Feminism.

    And I think rainbows are tacky unless they are in the sky.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think Tegan and Sara are just ok looking. And their music irritates me.
    The shame!

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Well, guess what, officer? We survived Chernobyl. What now, bitch?" Mwahaha! I wish I could use that awesome excuse. Not like I ever had loud parties.... cause I'm lame...nor have I survived a nuclear plant meltdown... but if I did I would love to use that line. Heh! maybe I'll use it anyway...:)

    I was the ONLY obvious homo in my Women's Studies class. Actually I think I was the only homo.... I was the only boyish/andro/tomboy looking one with a bunch of very much feminine women. Kind of a disappointment... Not like I was looking for dates but I wanted some lesbian camaraderie. And there were some dudes(<---looking for dates probs, heh) in there too so I was too afraid to talk/voicemyopinion in class lest I be dubbed 'man hating bull dyke' in class. I spent class in the far back with my laptop in front of me acting like I had better things to do than be in class since it was such an awkward group.

    I don't think you are a bad lesbian at all for failing Women's Studies! You have a great excuse. Checking out your lady prof/having-a-crush-on-them and failing because of that reason makes you an UBERLESBO in my book!

    And thank you for posting a new blog. It made my day. I'm in Dallas doing training for a new job.. And I'm shacked up in a hotel with a bunch of people that can't tell if I'm a guy or a girl..... FUN!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I avoid rainbow anything at all costs.
    I don't like any of the typical lesbian music. Too folky for me!
    Angelina Jolie gives me a serious case of heebs.
    I also hate camping, cargo pants, and head scarves.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi, I'm Ela and this is the 1st comment I've ever posted - ever!! And that's my bad lesbian secret, I'm a complete techno-phobe. I don't even own a cell phone. The other day my mom -that's right, girly, my mother- had to talk me through sending a text message, on her phone. Now I know you're shaking your head in disbelief or crossing yourself or whatever but it's true. I'm terrible at technology; I can build a campfire, hell, I can build a patio, but getting the clock to stop flashing on my stereo took my two years. The worst part is I can do techy stuff once I learn how. So maybe that is really my secret, I'm so terrifically lazy that I'd rather be 3 days behind on all the gossip than take the time to read an owners manual. TERROR!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. i dont really like angelina jolie at all either,
    maybe YOU ARE the lesbian with the problem here :P just kidding
    hey but i have a big gaydar question "Karen O" gay or not...think yes

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hah! I am completely lesbian but I also have a secret crush on jacob- the character, not taylor lautner BECAUSE he's such a cocky SHIT just like all the girls I ever fell for, including Angelina Jolie.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well, to start out, I had never heard of Ani DiFranco before reading this post, I have never read the Well of Loneliness, and I do think k.d. lang is cheesy. I will not go as far as to talk negatively about Tegan and Sara, though...I absolutely love them...so, points there?

    I had a huge crush on my Queer Lit professor in college but I wanted her to think I was smart so I worked really hard and made an A in the class. But that doesn't mean I didn't have many a fantasy about her or find it hard to concentrate when she sat next to me (we put our desks in a circle).

    On a separate note, thank you for using the word ironically correctly. It bugs the SHIT out of me when people misuse it.

    I've also never been to pride. But I've been to more Mary Kay parties than I would like to admit.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I dropped Women's Studies so as to avoid failing it. I don't mix well with second wave feminism and rich white women with no concept of their privilege. Your excuse is better.

    ReplyDelete
  14. a) i don't have a crush on angelina jolie.

    b) i think vaginas are kinda gross. but so are penises. so... it's even, right?

    c) i think every lesbian's secret shame should be that we adore justin bieber. ...except that unfortunately that secret is not to secret anymore. which is even more shameful. but i admit, i adore me some biebs.

    also - would you ever considering writing a post on all the "she's gotta be (gay)" actresses out there. like ellen page. and kate moennig. i mean, you're supposed to have better gaydar than me, right? i'm in desperate need of answers to those gotta be's.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I have a penis lol

    Just kidding, that's not what makes me a bad lesbian. I'm a bad lesbian because I dropped out of women's studies. Somehow all the white boys in the course ended up in one tutorial group - mine - and they were so painfully stupid I couldn't stand it. Seriously, after coming across critical theory for the first time, they were like "I don't like this because it's very critical and criticism is bad."

    ReplyDelete
  16. I uh... am not a lesbian. There, that's my secret. However, I do know the girl with the toffee apples!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Even though I've been out for 6 years, had a fair amount of girlfriends, been in a 2-year relationship with my current girlfriend, and oftentimes literally shudder at the thought of a romantic relationship with a male, I sometimes get scared that I'm some sort of a fraud of a lesbo and will someday be found out. And kicked out? But guys, I'm totally gay. Totally. So gay for vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think that makes you a total dyke, darlin. And now I'm in love with your prof too. Lordy!

    Be proud. You failed a class because of lesbian lust. It's a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. ok so i've had this queation for a while, (fuck, i feel like i'm about to be crucified). Does it make me a bad lesbian if I only like femme girls? I always get the feeling that if I find butch/boi/sporty girls unattractive i'm betraying all lesbians.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I don't own pants.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I hate k.d. lang. Her music makes me want to claw my ears off. Just saying.

    Also, that's a perfectly lezzer reason to fail Women's Studies. I love Asian women (yes, Indians are Asian) and oh my god gorgeous Indians are GORGEOUS. Shame I've never actually met a lesbian Indian. There must be one, though, I'm sure of it...

    ReplyDelete
  22. I don't like Tegan and Sara's music. (They're hot though.)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Not gay, so guess that makes me the worst lesbian ever. But I LOVE this site, so does that make up for it a little bit?

    ReplyDelete
  24. Who are Tegan and Sara? Maybe I'm just an old dyke, not a bad lesbian?

    ReplyDelete
  25. I've never heard of the well of loneliness, and never took a women's studies class. I also didn't own a belt until about a year ago when my girlfriend informed me that all good lesbians must own at least one belt. (I think she was just sick of me stealing hers)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I studied engineering and Women's Studies are lame..All the things u mention, never heard of it, never done it and never read it...there i said it. -.-'

    ReplyDelete
  27. I hate ALL lesbian music.

    Ani - growling and hitting the guitar strings until they make terrible noises.
    T and S - little kids with a keyboard adn kareoke mic.
    KD Lang - TOTALLY CHEESEY and I can't even think of one song she sings
    Sarah Mc-whatever the hell her name is with the piano - Go cry into your vagina.

    I could go on and on. I can't stand lesbian music. AT ALL. I espeically hate that I am "SUPPOSED" to like it b/c I'm gay. Lame. Conformy.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm a bad lesbian because...

    I'm not actually a lesbian.

    I just really love reading your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm a bad lesbian because I haven't taken women's studies, and am really not a feminist at all, or a man hater. I just really like girls. ^ ^

    I'm also a bad lesbian because I'm not a huge fan of Ani DiFranco. I have to force myself to listen! O_O

    ReplyDelete
  30. i've never taken or wanted to take a women's studies class. i ended a conversation with a girl at a bar after she told me she had just graduated with a degree in women's studies.

    any time I'm in a store with a toy department i have to stop and look at the Barbie dolls. I know I'm saposed to feel oppressed by her, but i still think shes fascinating and fun to play with. I also like to date tall blonde women who will have fashion shows with me before we go out so we can pick each others outfit.

    I've only heard one Tegan & Sara song. I just didn't like it.

    bad lesbian...

    ReplyDelete
  31. if you would like a list of things you can like that make you a "better" lesbian, this might help. (as if you need to be a better lesbian!) gracethespot.com did a spin-off of the online site stuffwhitepeoplelike.com and created stuff lesbians like. so far, the list has over a hundred things, so i'm sure you can find a ton of things you like that make you a more cliche gay! just for you, i present:
    http://gracethespot.com/?page_id=112

    ps way to be an out femme lesbian, i get shit all the time from friends because i'm "too girly to be gay". heart!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm a bad lesbian because, while I am out to most people I know, and have had sex with a few women and loved it...I have a boyfriend. I don't have sex with him, but most people don't know that.


    How fucked up is that?

    I think I'm the worst lesbian who is actually a lesbian ever.

    ReplyDelete
  33. feral cat here: I'm a bad lezzbian - I'm so tired of boring sex with no passion or polite passion. I envy the gay men's let 'er rip attitude.

    ReplyDelete
  34. yo, so this post totally confirms we're soul mates. i failed women's studies last semester.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I hate the L-word. Enough said.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I don't think we went to the same college, but I also had an Indian Women's Studies professor with whom every lesbian at my school was in love. She was a bad-ass. She'd wear saris to class and would climb/kneel on the desk and say words like "hegemony" in a colonial British accent. After class, she'd smoke outside in floor-length fur coat, which made her a most appealing study in contradictions. She was apart of this academic power-lesbian couple and was totally above our fawning.

    I wound up taking a queer theory seminar with her at one point. I can't remember the context, but one day I had the gall to sass her back about something and she just gave me this look like, "You little shit..." with the best dyke smirk you'd ever seen. I pretty much melted right then and there on the spot. But damn she was cool.

    So, this is all to say, I feel ya, although I used my crush to get the best grade in the class.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I was asked by the prof. to drop "woman in lit." class.

    I do not know the lesbian music scene. I don't care, actually. Howling dykes with guitars....no thanks.

    I have managed to avoid gay pride for the last five years. I AM proud of that.

    I am bored in a gay bar. I would rather watch woman at the library.

    I dress the way I do because I am comfy and I grew up in the late 70's, early 80's. Before punk was a fashion co opted by every one. I have Chuck Taylors and boots older than most baby dykes. My Leather jacket is older than I am.

    I pick up woman every where. I do not need a designated meeting place. The gay bar isn't required.

    I like all woman. Butch, Femme, and every thing in between. Why limit yourself? It always seemed silly to me.

    I think the L word is tripe.

    I say embrace your inner pervert. I have no shame in my slut side. We lesbians are the lucky ones.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I love all of you who commented lol. I can't come up with half the shit yall did!

    I'm always told I'm SO gay. SOOOOOO gay. Gayest lesbian I know.

    Then why do I still get hit on by guys tho I don't shave...and why do I like it...and how is it that I made out with him.

    O GOD SOOOO not the gayest gay. Oops.

    <3 what <3

    ReplyDelete
  39. what makes me a bad lesbian is that i didn't know i was a lesbian until i was 40 and married with 2.5 kids, a house and a dog, then i kissed a girl, and realized i was a lesbian!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'm a bad lesbian because I'm not a lesbian: I fuck (and have relationships with) boys, girls, and differently-gendered people across the spectrum.
    differently-gendered people across the spectrum.
    And I hate the 'scene'. God knows how I would ever get a root without the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  41. giiiirl thank you for this post, i feel less alone now!!

    a. i cannot handle tegan and sara's music. it gives me a headache, as does most "lesbian" music...i've always thought that's so stupid that lesbians are all supposed to listen to/know the same artists. i can't stand most of it!

    b. i have the worst gaydar on the planet. i'm slowly improving (thanks to having more older lesbian friends, and this blog, honestly)...but i constantly fall for straight or closeted girls!

    c. nobody can tell that i'm gay! my friends all know and think it's obvious, but i'm constantly getting hit on by guys, and girls hardly ever seem to notice me. :( perhaps i look too girly?

    d. i've never actually dated a girl, only..done other things with them.

    e. shane is not my dreamgirl!

    and i'm sure there are more..

    ReplyDelete
  42. i hate k.d lang, ani, and melissa ethridge.

    havent taken a womens study class

    can't stand the real l word

    buuuuut I LOVE TEGAN AND SARA

    ReplyDelete
  43. I'm fucking terrified of beautiful women. Also, I like lesbian music TOO much.

    ReplyDelete
  44. err...well, im scared of lesbians. period.

    this doesnt help me in life. Not.at.all.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I'm allergic to cats.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Every lezzie I know figured it out she was gay by falling in love and sleeping with a girl. I've never done either. Honestly, it's like as soon as I start making out with a girl all of my game disappears. It's *humiliating*

    I mean, I never slept with a guy either, so maybe I'm a weird 22 year old queer in general.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Oh good, I'm glad it's not just me. :)

    I have no lesbian cultural knowledge whatsoever. I saw my first lesbian film about three months ago. I don't listen to lesbian music. I've never seen any lesbian porn.

    I also have no gaydar at all. And I pass too well. And I'm shy. It's been a dateless few years. :) So really, I suck as a lesbian. Too bad I enjoy women so much.

    ReplyDelete
  48. -As a lesbian, I don't remember ever meeting/speaking with a lesbian
    -Took me 23-24 years to realize I'm gay (so many warning signs too...)
    -The only outward things I've done as a lesbian is go to Pride (which straight people do anyway) and come out to one person
    -I like only 1 song by Tegan and Sara
    -Never even kissed a girl (same for guys. Ick)
    -Crush on straight girls (I can't see lesbians?)
    -Does being unstylish and unfashionable count?
    -No cool haircut
    -Never took a women's or gender course

    ReplyDelete
  49. (So this is my first post here, after stalking around for months.)

    I love all the dyke-y music named above. I grew up on Sarah McLachlan.

    I go to a women-only university.

    I think Angelina Jolie is hot shit.

    I'm all for vagina.

    But...

    I'm not gay. Which makes me a VERY bad lesbian.

    ReplyDelete
  50. i too failed Women's Studies.
    i would show up to the class to girl watch as well.
    I took the midterm without studying and then decided there was simply no point in waking up at 8am to take my final when i was going to fail regardless.

    ReplyDelete
  51. i'm a bad lesbian because i'm just bad to begin with. womp womp.

    ReplyDelete
  52. I'm a bad (and by bad I mean immoral) lesbian because now and then I see a 12-year-old boy on the bus riding home, and he's usually standing at a slight angle, such that I mistake him for an adorable boi. And then I stare like a creepy-ass pedophile...that is, until the horrific moment arrives when I can see the boy's younger-version-of-a-man's-not-a-full-grown-hot-masculine-lesbian's face in full, and he is NOT a BOI. He's a BOY. And the worst part is, I'm crest-fallen and then ashamed...in that order! Fuck, so bad. Especially when the innocent lad's mother is present.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I love women. I've been gay my whole life. I take Gender Studies courses (even gayer than women's studies), I like lesbian music, I read this blog religiously.

    I'm not out.

    Bad, bad, bad lesbian.

    ReplyDelete
  54. i'm a bad lesbian because i have yet to have girl sex. in my 2 years of being out as bi/les, i have yet to do it. i'm scared shitless, all i know is m-f sex. i'm terrified i'm going to completely screw it up or hate it.

    also not in the know about ani difranco, k.d. lang, and i think the justin bieber thing is crap.

    otherwise, i love angelina. tegan & sara ftw.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I never took women's studies.

    ReplyDelete
  56. All this time I was just doing what comes naturally.

    I didn't know there were rules!

    Fortunately, my girlfriend hasn't noticed this yet.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I came out as bi to my friends at 14/15. I fancy angelina, always have. I love lesbian erotica, tried reading straight got majorly turned off at the mention of men/penises. Find penises wierd and gross. Have been (possibly) in love with a girl. Think vaginas are quite attractive. Those were my good points. Now for bad. I've never done anything more than kiss a girl. Hate nearly every girl I meet. Have a long term boyfriend... Didnt know there was a specific lesbian music scene, therefore dont have a clue who any of those people are. HATE justin bieber. Tend to fancy girls who are so lesbian it intimidates me "/ ... But I really cant tell if im gay/straight/bi anymore... Help?

    ReplyDelete
  58. I've NEVER had good lesbian sex.

    Slept with three girls, but just couldn't really "get it up" (although I think I was a pretty good actor in each case).

    But I know I'm a homo because I've been head-over-heels for two girls. However neither of these life-altering ladies is one of the three girls I've slept with.

    I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'm pretty sure the sex was bad because I wasn't in love . . . but I think it still makes me a pretty bad lesbian that I couldn't even get it up for some gorgeous girls. Bah.

    ReplyDelete
  59. i'm not attracted AT ALL to boy-ish looking dykes. i feel that if i'm going to cross the line and go to the unaccepted gay world then i'm going to date a girl that LOOKS LIKE A GIRL not a girl that LOOKS LIKE A GUY.
    i dunno if that makes me a bad lesbian but i think it makes sense.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Ah I had a super crush on my AP english teacher in my junior year of high school, and I'm a math person. But I sat in the front row, flirted like crazy, and actually worked hard because I wanted to impress her. After all that paying attention (most of the time to her lectures, but also to her hot bod) I got a 5 out of 5 on the AP exam!

    ReplyDelete
  61. I'm a bad queer because...
    I was disgusted by vaginas for YEARS before my gf finally threatened to dump me if i didn't just hold my breath and dive that muff. Still sometimes grossed out about it.
    AND I love love love to suck her dildo like its a cock. BAD LESBIAN
    why do I want to suck cock like a straight girl? the thing is, if it were real cock, i would just feel oppressed.

    ReplyDelete
  62. When I came out to my friends, it was during my freshman year of high school. I knew damn well by then that I was a full fledged, cunt-lickin' homo. I hadn't actually had any sexual experiences with girls yet (unless you count making out with my best friend because some guys asked us if we were lezzies. She said "Yes" with a smirk. They said "Prove it." And so we did.), but I knew. The shame of all this comes in the way that I told them. I took them all aside, told them I had to tell them something important. Then, one by one, took them into confidence and said, "I'm bisexual." This was a flat out lie. I am still ashamed at my cowardice. But even the knowledge that I was 14 and living in a town of <10,000 in the Badger State doesn't make me feel any better or justified.

    Now you all know my shame. I'm a cowardly lezzie.

    ReplyDelete
  63. it took me twenty-fucking-five years to figure out i was a big lesbo. i'd been married for 20 years, had two kids and finally figured out why i was depressed for so long. i'd never even held hands with a girl, but once i finally-fucking-figured it out...there was no going back and i've managed to finally have a couple of relationships and the sex has been UNBELIEVABLE!! So, now my daughter has come out to me as bi, and i'm happy for her and supportive and helped her find a support group for bi/lesbian young women.

    guess what?

    that makes me a fucking-awesome-mom-lesbo!!!

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  64. I'm DEFINITELY the only dyke in my Women's Studies class. THE ONLY ONE. Not only is it a shitty place to meet girls (which isn't an issue, I have a gf), but it's hella awks.

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  65. Ok, Krista, here's my dirty secret: yesterday I ate out a girl for the first time. Seriously? - I had such a strong urge to throw up in the first 4 or 5 minutes. EXTREMELY strong, to the point where I gagged, right at the chick's labia. Thank God she was busy being lost in the experience, or it would've been fucking embarrassing. Oh, and I HATE k.d.lang's music. A wonderful woman, but her singing - nope, nuh-uh. I flirt with men, which is fucked up. I'm still in love with my best friend. I am almost 21 y.o. and still haven't come out and don't think I will - not till I come out of med school, which is gonna be, like, in 4 EFFIN' YEARS. >_< Oh well. At least I sated my curiosity - gay sex is indeeeed amazing.
    BTW - an Eastern-european , gold-star (by your definition) lesbo here. :D Write more! We wantz a book! (And then I can get an autographed copy and BRAAAAAAG)

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  66. What makes me a 'bad lesbian'? I think it has something to do with not having a vagina. I am attracted to women, but that doesn't count. The 'Herstory of Women' is an excellent read... and Human Sexuality 101 really knocked me for a loop. Never take a title too seriously, really. Sexuality may have academic subject interest... but be straight, gay or bi is really hands on and your always going to be you worse critic is your honest. take care... your going to have better days ahead.

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  67. I'm not really a lesbian, but I am totally a dyke. I know they are different because of all the women's studies classes I have taken. BUT what makes me a bad "lesbian" is that I love dominating heterosexual bio boys.

    however I partner and am driven crazy by femme dykes.

    I also am allergic to cats.

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  68. I'm not into HBT politics... stuff like that... I'm not out there making political statements in the parades..that makes me feel like a horrible lesbian. I have no clue about stuff. If I would start going political, then my man-hating side would be far too obvious. But everything is their fault.

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  69. I don't particularly care for Tegan and Sara.

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  70. My lessie friends were talking about Jenny Shimizu and right there I asked "Who's that?"
    Biggest shame...ever.
    When I looked Jenny Shimizu online I was mentally slamming my face against the keyboard.
    HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS HOT FUCK OF AN ASIAN LADY EXISTED?!?

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  71. I've never taken a women's studies class, and was never tempted to.
    I hate cats.
    I dislike Tegan + Sara and Ani DiFranco's music.
    And, most sinful of all... I'm a Republican.

    Worst lesbian ever?

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  72. Started listening to Tegan and Sare.
    Then started dating a girl for the first time ever.
    Said girl and I spontaneously scored tickets to a Tegan and Sara gig on the day of the concert.
    AFTER the gig my girl had to explain to me the correlation between Tegan and Sara and lesbians.. I thought they were singing about boys...

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  73. I've got long and curly hair and I hate wearing fedoras because they mess it up.

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