Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dyke Style Update!










OMG quick look I posted poetry!

Ahem.

So you thought you knew best 
all the ways to tell
if a woman was gay 
by the way she was dressed.

You laughed - "This is easy!"
you said with a grin
"A fish is a fish -
look for scales; look for fins!"

There were dykes all around
and you just went to Pride -
finding lezzies was simple
not a thorn in your side.

There were messenger bags!
There were tats and hairdids!
It was easy to tell
the gays from the straight kids.

But now there's a problem:
your gaydar doth err
and you're hitting on women
who like dick - they ain't querr!  (work with me.)

There are all sorts of chicks
copping dyke-style clothes
and they look, walk, and act 
like lesbian pose...rs.

Well, we can't let them win.
We still have to get laid!
We must update our gaydar;
our skills mustn't fade.

So...

Summer school is in session
Get your books; grab a pen.
Hot girls can be gay...
now it's time to learn when.

POP GAYDAR QUIZ!!!

Everybody put your books under your desk.   
Each question is worth 50% of your grade. 
You have 15 minutes. 
Begin.

                                        [via lesfemmes]

1)  Isobel is 32 years old and has really short hair.  She works in a pharmacy lab, drives a Prius, lives in the city, and is a vegetarian.  Everybody in the lab has a crush on her.  Isobel is very mysterious.  Right this second, she's running late - it's  someone's birthday party tonight.
  
As Isobel races out the door, she's wearing: skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, a tweed fedora, and brown boots that come up to her calves.  

Is Isobel gay or straight?
Why?
---------------------------------

                                 (by ! Siu)
2)  Shelby is tiny.  She's 29, has shortish red hair, a Monroe piercing, and works in art therapy.  She drives a Volkswagen bug, is obsessed with the new Thai place around the corner from her house, and has about 80 male friends surrounding her at all times.  Today she's going to a summer art fair in the park.



Right now, Shelby is wearing: a white cotton sundress, bare legs, a different ring on every finger, a straw fedora with a black band, and brown leather sandals.

Is Shelby gay or straight?
Why?
------------------------------

Time's up!

Alright, put your pencils down and turn your paper over.  
Everyone hand their paper to the person to your right - we're going to go over these together.

Answers!

1)  Isobel.

Ha!  Don't play with me.  Isobel is a big ol' homo.  Apart from all the stereotypical clues (vegetarian, Prius), Isobel is wearing a fedora to a party.  

Do not be distracted.  Look at nothing but the fedora.


Fags, I know fedoras are the ish this summer, but only gay girls are into hats enough to throw one on without a second thought to complete a party look.   

A statement hat like a fedora requires some serious time spent trying on hats - a commitment to long-term hat-wearing.   

Queer women are obsessed with hats, and so have already put in the time posing in front of mirrors; seeing how hats look with all their different outfits.  

Remember this:  Lesbians fucking love fedoras.  

A lesbian cannot look at a fedora in any setting without trying it on. 
                                                 (via strawberrylaces)

No lesbian can walk away from a fedora.  
It's nobody's fault.
Something in the chemical makeup.

Fedoras say "40's gangster." 


Fedoras say "I am El Mysterioso.  Come to me."  


They are real, real gay.

Yes, straight girls.  I hear you.  You saw Alicia Keys wear a fedora all those years ago and you've rocked one ever since.  

Well, you look like a homosexual.  
No lie.

2)  Shelby.  
Shelby is super fucking straight.  
Tricks, I am aware that Shelby is, in fact, wearing a fedora.  I know

But Shelby is wearing that fedora because Urban Outfitters told her to. 

She's trendy, not a twat-licker.

There's only one kind of fedora that straight girls wear, and it's this one:

This particular fedora has been all over magazines, and now it's trickled down to Target.  
Everybody and your mom has one. 
A hip, "menswear-influenced" way to keep the sun off your face.  


(*Tip!*Make sure to add a feminine detail to soften up your look, ladies!  Love, Cosmo.)

Straight girls don't wear their straw fedoras at night.  That would be stupid.  The straw fedora is a day hat.    

Now don't get me wrong.  Straight girls look cute in this hat.  

But they sure as fuck don't look gay.

How did you do on the quiz?
Was it super hard?  I tried to make it super hard.
We gay girls love hats - it follows that we love and wear the fedora. But we mustn't be fooled!  Constant vigilance!

Straight girls have also started showing their love for the fedora. 




Fortunately for us, they only wear one kind.  

Gay is in the details, friends.

45 comments:

  1. Oh hell. This won't work in the tropics. Dammit, back to guessing.

    By the way, the ad that came up for me next to this post was for wedding dresses. MINUS FEDORAS. LOL Just had to share that...

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  2. BUT WHAT ABOUT SHELBY'S MONROE PIERCING? I CAN'T GET IT RIGHT WHEN YOU THROW IN TRICK QUESTIONS!

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  3. YES. I was right on both and i knew it was because of the fedoras.
    I feel so superior now.

    *smirk*

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  4. I got 100% but not based on the fedora variable. Thanks for explaining why I've always thought fedoras were cool! You understand my lesbian ass better than I do... :O

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  5. This was so easy I panicked and became paranoid that this was a trick test to prove some point about stereotypes and how wrong it is of me to even have gaydar.

    Not only do I have a fedora, I have a bowler hat...okay and a cowboy hat. But what really gives it away is probably the baseball cap that says "Indigo Girls."

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  6. Truth, girl. I bought my first red felt fedora when I was fourteen. My parents should have seen it coming.

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  7. i was suck at both..hahaha. i didn't know the fedora was the big give away...i'm obviously the only lesbian who doesn't wear or like hat.

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  8. So true! I look like an idiot in hats, and even I have contemplated the pull of the fedora. However, I failed. I said they were both gay...figured it was a trick question again.
    Oh, and that poetry totally rivals Dr. Seuss for made up rhyme. A coupla fake words in there, and you're the new Seuss!

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  9. Ahaha. I knew it. 100%. Gold star.

    Isobel was obviously gay. I knew Shelby was gay when she had too many rings on her fingers.

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  10. Edit: Straight. Shelby was straight. Damn.

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  11. I guessed Isobel was gay because she was late. :) -kat

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  12. Two weeks ago, I would have believed you. But two weeks ago, I fell HARD for a Swedish girl, rocking a fedora like it was nobody's business. It was a good fedora--dark gray felt without any offensively cute band, well-fitted. Asymmetrical haircut underneath, ball piercing in the upper ear, sexy-as-hell sullen look on her face...she even had the slouch. And the most ridiculously long, slender fingers (I only noticed because she's a fiddle player. swoon.)

    I immediately went and talked to her. I followed her around for days. We shared a hookah and stared into each other's eyes while blowing smoke rings. I gave her backrubs. We went swimming. We sang drinking songs. We ditched the gang to go for long walks. It was looking good, right?

    She was totally into the dude playing the oud. Friends, a DUDE got this girl, and I still have a perfect record: 100% of my crushes have liked dudes more than me.

    Fuck you, deceptive fedora.

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  13. O my lord I finally finally FINALLY got 100%! See, your blog is helping me learn and grow!! ;)

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  14. yeah 100% for me, thx for helping me improve the 6th sens...my gaydar is starting to rock the shit :)

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  15. Got it 100%. The monroe almost tripped me, and the Thai made me hesitate (what is it with dykes and Thai food, anyways?), but the straw fedora, plus the rings, totally gave her away as straight.

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  16. Quiz = 0
    Women's Studies Classes = A

    Lesbian rating = 50%

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  17. Oy! But Shelby looks like ME, and i pinky swear I'm a lesbian!! :p

    I missed the fedora detail altogether. Was totally hung up on the shoes. Boots - definitely gay. Brown sandals - possibly gay. Possibly hippie.

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  18. i wear straw fedoras, have a lip piercing, drive a VW bug.. i'm absolutely gay and in deeply in love with a girl. i think you're gaydar has variables and isn't completely right.

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  19. You're absolutely right, Anonymous! Gaydar is variable and confusing. These are just hints - the sum of the parts doesn't always equal its whole. I bet you throw off gay vibes like a shimmering baby unicorn floating through lavender mist.

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  20. Having too many rings is a straight girl thing? What?!? Am I straight??

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  21. i have a Target straw fedora.

    but it is a men's hat.

    BOOM lesbian.

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  22. After reading this post yesterday afternoon, I saw three (straight) girls sporting straw fedoras. Then this morning I got an email that someone named "fedoragirl28" was following me on Twitter. You hit the nail on the head. They're everywhere! At least in Chicago.

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  23. 100% and in was the monroe piercing that gave me pause and think "straight" for whatever reason. Also true facts? The headband is the straight girl equivalent of the felt fedora. It beckons to us.

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  24. only thing is, alicia keys *was* gay all those years ago.

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  25. Ahahaha! I KNEW fedoras were gay! Esp the felt kind! I totally called this years ago! Every time I say it, my friends are like, "What?" But I was totally right! 100% on quiz! =)

    The monroe was tricky but I figured Shelby from the rings on all fingers and having boys surrounded by her constantly.

    It makes me so happy that effingdykes, my favorite blogger, confirmed my gaydar inside. =DDD

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  26. I was wondering about this girl on the bus yesterday... and when I was walking (coincidentally!) behind her after, I noticed a carabiner key holder hanging behind her!!! My eyes are opening slowly but surely. ^_^

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  27. Umm i have mega beef with this post.

    I am gay and I look just like shelby.

    I am so tired of people calling me straight, its offensive. Maybe we should stop sterotyping everyone?

    i know this was meant in good fun but its just wrong.

    I am gay and i think it defines me but i look terrible dressed in boys clothes/ short hair and most of all hats!

    dont single me out.

    p.s i also wear a ring on my sexy time fingers... no big deal!

    /rant

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  28. long story short- gay comes in a myriad of different forms. femme/lipstick/butch/gender queer/trans/bi etc etc etc...

    trying to guess who is gay and straight isn't as easy as you say it is... its a lot more complex.

    be careful who you judge and why.

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  29. I am a lesbian and i dont like fedoras. I actually hate them...

    Are you suggesting I am not a lesbian?

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  30. I thought this blog was for all lesbians. Not just fedora wearing lesbians? :'(

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  31. Hey anonymous before this comment( I think all these comments were written by the same person 12:35-12:47). Keep reading instead of fixating on one entry. I think she is half making fun of the fedora.

    Duh! Appearances aren't everything; but if you can't laugh at yourself and the things that we all do/wear/say, life gets pretty goddamn sad. Also, don't take the blog so literally. Have you ever heard of satire?

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  32. good points printgirl, but even i find this a little offensive- literal or not.....

    If this blogs intention is to help you achieve your 'gaydar' i hope NOBODY takes it literally....

    think of all the gorgeous Femmes who will be looked over and mistaken for STRAIGHT GIRLS- that would kind of suck.

    I agree that we should really be acknowledging all types here.

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  33. I just want to say

    #1 I LOVE your blog.
    #2 I have near perfect gaydar and I won on the pop quiz.
    #3 I am a huge homo and I hate wearing hats. Even in the winter. EVEN fedoras. SO that doesn't work for me. I'm a "high femme" and people don't believe I'm really gay. Yes they are usually straight people but it's really annoying. Any suggestions?

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  34. I effing love it when you write gay poetry!

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  35. I love you. You're funny. And right.

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  36. my girlfriend says fedoras are for nerdy gamer boys, when they go to parties on saturday nights to play poker in some guy's basement. is that why i thought those boys were cute in high school?

    I am not allowed to wear fedoras. But i thought they were cool in the mid 2000's.

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  37. also, i don't care if Alicia Keys just got married - she is a homosexual lady. she just is.

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  38. Yes yes hats. Blah blah blah. Girls, you are missing the most important question on this post: who the fuck is the girl drinking beer illustrating 'Isobel'?I think I'm in love ...

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  39. the only OTHER time a straight girl will wear a fedora is if it removed from someone else's head as a clear flirtation signal. including the "i'm just flirting with you cuz you're a dyke but i have no intention of sleeping with you" flirt.

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  40. Oh god I never totally understood why I had an unnatural attraction to fedoras. Goddammit why are you always so right!

    Seriously, though, I love this blog <3

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  41. As a babydyke I will just say that this whole spotting dykes thingy is friggin' HARD! I will continue to gain more knowlegde on this topic by further examine your website. I truly think you are amazing for creating this blog.

    Also, Alicia Keys is in fact gay. I don't care what everybody says.

    Additional also, Pink is gay too.

    That is all.

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    ReplyDelete
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