Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Pack Your Poncho

Oi, lesbicas!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

There is nothing like Seattle.

I'm sitting at a cafe called Zoca, having a transcendental experience with my soy latte. 
It's perfect.

A (fucking adorable) Asian boi with a tattoo of the full Hebrew text of the Kaddish running up her arm made my drink. 

Good fucking morning. 

How I would love to know the story of that tattoo.

Faggots, I know I praise Seattle a lot, but come. on.

Walking into the Sea-Tac airport baggage claim is like surfacing from the waves. 

One big breath in. 
Breathe in the queers.
                                                                 via hellogirls
When you've been working in places like Iowa for the past couple weeks, Seattle seems like an effing gay Disneyland. 

The Happiest Place on Earth. 
                                               via tomika davis
A place like San Francisco - it's so normal to be gay/trans/queer that it's actually boring. 

I can deal with boring.

                                                            [via cutegirlsmakemenervous]

The last time I talked to y'all, I was thinking about maybe not continuing with my job next year. 

You know, the job where I travel all over the damn universe every day.

But I just had a realization: 

If I don't sign on for another year, that means...I won't be back to Seattle for a while. 
Maybe not for a long time!

The thought of not being in Seattle on a regular basis is causing my throat to constrict at odd moments. 

I look at all the tiny coffeeshops, each churning out perfect espressos the whole day long. 

I look at the friendly neighborhood farmer's markets, full of badly-disciplined, well-dressed toddlers with parents who used to be stoners but now work for Microsoft.

My gaze lovingly falls upon an innocuous little bakery...there's a hand-lettered sign reading "We have gluten-free cookies!" in the window.
Gluten-free cookies.  Just hangin' out.  All for Krista.
My eyes well with tears.

Everywhere I turn, Seattle whispers, "You will fucking miss me so bad." 

Seattle is right. 
I started thinking.  Thinking about how my last week here should be a blow-out week. 
A farewell tour, if you will, of my jewely emerald city.

As many gluten-free pastries as I could stuff in my mouth. 
As much good coffee as I could swallow. 
And as many dykes as I could trick into sleeping with me.
                                                            [via thingssheloves]

I decided that the best way, hands-down, to celebrate what Seattle has meant to me would be to have...

 A Week of Debauchery.

One whole week of dykes. 
A different date every day. 
If I could swing it.

It is rough being as greedy as me.

First things first.

I cleared my Week of Debauchery with CJ, my favorite lil' piece, before moving ahead with my plan. 

CJ is fantastic.  The first time we slept together, 4.5 years ago, we had this conversation afterwards:
Me:  (sweating, naked, and happy)  Sooo...I'm one of those slutty non-monogamous girls. I'd like to see you again, but you should know up front: I can't change this about myself.
I mean, I could if I wanted, but I don't want. I love women. And I want to sleep with more of them.


in a panicked rush)
Um. I-don't-want-to-mislead-you-I-totally-understand-if-you-want-a-completely-monogamous-partner-you-have-every-right-to-that-if-you-don't-want-to-see-me-again-that's-fine-I-just-thought-you-should-know-what-you're-getting-into-with-me.

(big pause)

CJ: I like slutty girls.

We've been together ever since. 
With CJ's blessing, I moved forward with my plan. 

Week of Debauchery!
                                            [via hellosensibleheart]

Now, lesbos, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. 
For me, 5 dates in 5 days is an impossible feat. 
I am not a player. 
I'm the epitome of "not smooth." 
I got no game. 

I. Am. Awkward.

If I was going to accomplish my goal, I needed help. 
I needed Craigslist.

I spent Sunday night cruising Seattle Craigslist with Kelly, picking out possible lezzies and writing to them.
                                                   eek [via myseaofanonymity]

The lezzies wrote back.  Then I wrote back.  Then they wrote back.

Tick-tock went the clock.
                                       Rosa [via myparentswereawesome]

I didn't have time for this.  I needed 5 dates!  And they needed to start Monday night!

Fuckit, I said.  I'm posting my own ad.

Forty-five minutes later, I had 37 responses sitting in my inbox.

Isn't technology amazing?

Because I seem to like to humiliate myself, here's the ad I posted, verbatim:

Week of Debauchery - 27 (Seattle)

I'm 27, a super-femme, and I'm in Seattle for one week.

Let's be frank: I want to have sex. Lots and lots of sex. With you, hopefully.

It could be a week of debauchery! Who's excited?

Here's what I'm looking for: aggressive, confident butches and bois.  Alright, or femmes.  
OKwhoamIkidding, if you're hot, get over here. 

I don't care about size, I don't care about race, I don't care about age.

I do care about playing safe, the ability to listen, and having conversations.

I want to get to know you. In, um, lots of different ways.

I'm blonde, I'm pervy, and I like funny/crass women.

Finally...not hatin', just sayin: I only want to sleep with dykes.  Not men.  Not couples.  And not someone who wants to "learn the ropes."

Let's have dirty dirty dyke sex.

Want to?

Pic for pic.


Amazed at the response my ad (with no picture!!) got, I cackled over my inbox like a hen locked in a granary.

Two hours of back-and-forth negotiations and picture exchanges later, I had my five dates locked in for the week. 

It was like ordering Chinese take-out.

The dates start tonight.  I'm ridiculously excited.
I am going to glut myself on ladies.
I'll tell you how the Week of Debauchery goes next time.
Wish me luck?


  1. Why is Seattle not Minneapolis?

    Also--best of luck!

  2. good luck! you're totally awesome, and your blog is hilarious/an inspiration! can't wait to hear how it went.

  3. You better post daily updates!

  4. You're my fucking hero.

    Get it, hero...fucking. Yep.

  5. I want you to be with CJ!!!!

  6. seattle seattle seattle seattle seattle seattle seattle seattle!!!!!!!!!

    mah hometown, wherein I an currently living. \o/ (the city will never be the same again after this)

  7. Good luck and live to tell about it!

  8. i agree, we need daily updates. i know you are going to be busy, but still. daily updates.

  9. i'm waiting with baited breath to find out what happens! x

  10. Hey now! If you lose a date or have some free time and aren't either dry as a bone or chafed to high heaven, give a local dyke a holler!

  11. JESUS WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. I think you should have doubled down and tried to schedule 2 dates/day.

  13. I second that. ^

  14. I'm in Northampton, MA at the moment (THE MOST LESBIANS PER CAPITA! SMITH COLLEGE!) but Seattle is my hometown. Paint it red!

  15. Good luck? I don't think you'll need it. Also, I totally don't believe for one second that you're not a player.

  16. we. need. daily updates. tisall.

  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

  18. Stands next to Takoon and nods vigorously while laughing her ass off.

    And really. If ever there were a time to take this blog to daily updates status, this would be it.

    Also, I read your "wish me good luck" as "wish me good fuck" so I'm gonna wish you both.

    Oh god. Just when I think the world is going to hell in a handbasket I read your blog and the sun shines a little brighter. hahahaha

  19. That is possibly the horniest ad I've ever seen. And I've seen german sex-ads! I wish you good luck but please, if you're gonna post a pic of Tegan like that, issue a warning, will you?

  20. Come back to LA!!!!!

  21. Hahahaha OMG. You're such a player xD

    And finally I understand your relationship with CJ xD

    Boa sorte com as gatinhas ;D

  22. good luck, have fun, be safe! but one question: why not skip re-signing for your job and just move to seattle?

  23. I'm so jealous I can barely feel my face.

  24. That is what I'm hoping pride in Berlin is going to be like for me. Your blog has been encouraging me to be sluttier. Yeay.

  25. Good luck with the rest of your week. Can't wait to hear the updates.

  26. Good luck bbgirl!
    Enjoy those butches and bois.

  27. PLEASE be careful! Enjoy... but be careful!

  28. You were at my place of business! Come to the other Zoka location tomorrow morning at 56th and Keystone, and I promise you the best soy latte of your life to fuel further debauchery! You are doing to *ehem* do seattle right!

  29. Omg Krista. You are too funny. Please do report back. This has a *lot* of potential.

  30. I second that, Krissy. Move to Seattle!

  31. this is inspirational

  32. YOU make this middle aged lesbian so proud!

    Go girl,Go!

  33. Come to Toronto and I'll give you a good hatefuck.

  34. "I like slutty girls". *omgdrooldrooldrool*

    You. Are. A. God.

    Your job wouldn't include trips abroad?

  35. come do the same thing in the bay area! can i reserve a thurs/fri in advance? kthanks. you're a hilarious sexy beast.

  36. So jealous that this is happening in Seattle instead of Portland!

  37. Ah, Seattle, how I love living here :P
    If I weren't already here, I would move to this amazing city, or San Francisco, since the weather in Seattle isn't my cup of tea all the time. Wish I knew you were here earlier though...

  38. This is going to sound very silly, but I'm just wondering what you (and other readers!) consider 'playing safe' in the lesbian community. Are we talking about asking before going down or dental dams and gloves?
    Just curious, because I know this is a rather undiscussed (for me at least) part of sex in our community, and I wanted to know what other people think/do.

  39. oh WHAT. i am so upset that i did not see that ad and quick reply in one hot minute. also, any true seattlite knows that that latte in the picture is from vivace, not zoka... i'm mildly embarrassed that i know this

  40. is it ok that i just did a lil copy and paste for my own pride version post lol <3 u

  41. Just curious...what is your idea of 'cheating?' how can you not be monogamous with someone you care for? Are you? I'm just wondering...you and Cj have been together for 5 years...why..if you're fucking other girls why waste each others time? It's kind of gross... It's sad a bit I think it's not fair. Sounds like you want your cake and you want to eat it to....