Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Twin Peaks

Howdy queers!

It's my last week of the year out on the road. 

My job is a contract job - every year, you have to sign up again.
You have to physically put a pen to a contract and sign it, year after year, essentially saying:

"YES. I am a masochist. I want to do this again. I want to go to a different city every day for nine months. I am interested in premature aging, hotel food, and rental car shuttles. I want this. Do it to me again. Just like last time, but harder. YES."

You know, next year, I may just not sign.

Today I'm in Buffalo, NY, just a few short minutes away from Niagara Falls. 

And you know what's a little bit sad?  You know what's making me think I shouldn't do this job again?

I am less than 10 minutes from Niagara Falls, one of the wonders of the world, and I'm not even fucking going.

I've seen it. 
I've seen it 7 times. 
I've seen it in the winter (wear mittens, jesusgod); I've seen it in the summer; I've seen it at night, all lit up with its tawdry lights; I've seen it from behind  (heh) wearing galoshes and pretending I'm Marilyn Monroe in that movie

I've seen the Canadian side. 
I've seen the American side.

I've seen it in the blinding afternoon sunlight, when you couldn't even squeeze through to the railing for all the Japanese tourists, and I've seen it without a soul around, at midnight, my breath catching in my chest and freezing.

I've just....seen it.

And that's how I feel about America right now. 
I might have to stop travelling this country to love it again.

Now, fagelles, before we even get started on today's topic, I have to tell you I'm having a little problem.  I'm not sure what to do about this. 
I'm all distracted.

I have to ask y'all:

Does anyone else find this picture hot?
                                                   via cuteoverload

'Cause I do. 
I can't stand it.  I keep looking at it!  I even saved it in my "special" folder on my desktop so I could pull it up at will! 

*Tip!* Name your wanking file something really super boring, like "Tiffany's Wedding 2008 Rehearsal Dinner Part III".  That way only the only person who would ever be interested in that is Tiffany, and you made her up.

What is the matter with me???
I am so attracted to this picture.  And that disturbs me.

I want to be that goddamn hamster.  All nestled between two jiggling boulders.  Smug bastard. 
Tiny mammals get everything.
                                              via cuteoverload

Well, I'm a large mammal, and I want to be pressed right. in. there. 
                                         via cuteoverload

Imagine how nice your ride would be if it had firm (yet not unyielding), soft, heated cushions.

Cushions with a built-in thumping disco dance beat.
Buoyant.  Warm.

Is it wrong to find that picture hot?  Is it weird?  Is it animal cruelty? 

Let's be clear here:  I'm not into the hamster.

I'm just jealous.

Homos, I've never really thought of myself as a "boob person."

I'll take 'em however they come:  big, little, non-existent, pierced, surgically removed, muscular, fake -  you name 'em, I will put my hands on them in a crowded bar bathroom.

I mean, I like tits a lot. 
But kind of in the way that gay boys like them - I'm continually surprised and delighted by them.  They're so magical!  You have two of them!  And they match! 
Aren't they so bouncy!

So mysterious - the way girls just give a hint of what their breasts are like with their clothes on and you think you know what to expect but then you see them undressed and you're like, "I had no idea about the nipples, whoa" and then you pass the fuck out in a cold sweat.
                                                         [via capturethismoment-deactivated20]

I always want to bury my face in boobs.

I mean, yeah, boobies.  Sure.  I get it. 
All my life I've been into them, in what I thought was a nebulous sort of way.
But today, I think it might be time to admit it, officially.

I have spent 3/4 of my life looking down women's shirts.
I am that dude.
I am into boobs.

In a major way.

Sometimes, when I'm sitting on the airplane, going through my daily mental images of a huge mid-air collision, I worry about what my last real thought will be.

Will my life flash before my eyes? 
What will be the last thing I think about?

I'd like to hope my last thought will be about my family. Or my favorite lil' piece. 
I'd like to face an afterlife thinking, "I lived a good life.  I am ready."

So it worries me that one of the finer memories of my life is being held down by two strippers and titty-slapped on a blustery March afternoon.

The smell of Thierry Mugler's "Angel" lingered in my hair for days.
Seriously, faggots, I think about that exact moment quite enough for it to very well be my last living thought.

So boobs are that important to me.
But you guys -what is it about breasts?
What the fuck is it?

I understand why men are into boobs. 
They're new and different from what a guy has got. 
He hasn't got 'em.  He wants to see yours.
But what is the problem here?

I have boobs
It's not like they're a fucking mystery.
I can see them whenever I want.  I can put both hands on them and make motorboat sounds. 

I can dress them up in lacy little bras.
I can flatten them in something hideous and spandex-y.
I can let them bounce freely like I was leading the conga-line at the Michigan Womyn's Festival. 

I have 24/7 access, for the rest of my life!

But I don't want to see my tits.  I want to see yours.
Because they're new and different from what I've got.

I love boobs. I really do.
God bless tits.
And God bless summer, when sundresses happen. 
And white tank tops. 
And also God bless dykes, who are more apt to not wear bras and walk into coffee shops and distract me.
I've always kind of thought I didn't have a favorite body part; that I was a lover of all lady-parts.
But that's crap.
I'm full of crap.

Boobs win. 

They always win.

What's your favorite place on a girl?

Tell me tell me.


  1. Asses.

    I am a firm believer in firm asses. They are the best thing to ever happen to me and probably ever will. I want asses day & night, every night.

    Well, I am half black.

  2. Collarbone! so close to the neck and boobs :>

  3. bum bum-bum bum bumsss

  4. boobies.. yumm! LOVE EM AS WELL!

  5. I'm partial to a cute little waist, myself. But then it's like choosing a favorite child, impossible...T&A, thighs, calves, collarbones, backs of necks, hips, arms, arches of feet--if it's a lady part, i like it.

  6. Ooh, I can't choose! I like boobs (if they're small) asses (if they're not) and thighs if they look hot in a pair of jeans.
    Okay, wait, I chose. Hands. I'm a sucker for a lady with big, sexy hands. I'm not sure why...

  7. ass, neck, back... I love my girlfriends boobs though.

  8. Is it me, or was I the only one that thought the post was strange??? Seemed unusual/odd for the author. Then... one of the comments.. sounds like a child sex offender. Gross.

    Big Booty Judy

  9. @BBJ - WTF? This was a FABULOUS post!

    I love Boobs. I'm obsessed with them and I have been since I was a kid. I'm the one looking down shirts - surrep-tit-iously, of course.

    With the exception of one, all of my girlfriends has been butch - never *stone* butch - because I LOVE BOOBS AND MUST TOUCH THEM.

    I also love the neck. That place where the neck slopes into the collar bone?! MMM-HMM. Especially on my butch girls. Love that it's always covered up and SO INACCESSIBLE by her t-shirt or polo shirt. I can't take it.

  10. i like strong backs. and torsos. the area between the boobs (also awesome) and hip bones (like those too)

  11. Right now, my favorite place on a girl is the mole on that woman's right breast.

    My god.

  12. Ditto for collarbone and backs.

    Your post reminded me of this: http://www.daniellecorsetto.com/archive.php?today=948&comic=863

    Also, I love your blog.

  13. ¡Cuuuuuuuuuuulo! But then again, I'm Mexican so I'm biologically incapable of NOT being rendered nonsensical and drooling, wanting nothing more than to sink my teeth into.., at the sight of a fantastic, round, firm, brown, shapely, bouncy... voluptuous... full..... luscious ass......


    I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

    Oh yeah.

    Also the inner thigh, right where it joins the groin. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... delicioso!

  14. After one of your posts mentioning hip bones, I realized that when I see them, I can't help but stare. I also love a lovely back.

  15. I agree this post is somehow strange. It's by far the longest I've ever read and it's completely packed with photos... Have we been perezhiltonized?

    On the other hand. Can hair be consider as a "lady part"? I'm totally fascinated by long, curly hair. I still have wet dreams where I bury myself into my exe's just to smell it...

    OMG. I really miss her...

  16. As a Yiddish dyke, thank you for using the word "fagella". Word up.

    My vote? Boobs and long, dark hair. Yum.

  17. yeah, I think its boobs for me too. I have this friend (str8) who has such wonderful delightfull luscious boobs that I can't talk to her anymore because I can't help but stare.

    My partner often flashed her boobs at me when I am winning at cards and I promptly begin to lose. I say this is cheating, she says its strategic. Either way, Not Fair.

  18. Legs! Oh god, the best part of my year is that first day of spring when all the pretty girls on campus celebrate by going bare-legged in sundresses. Long, skinny legs; chubby legs with round, full thighs; legs pale from winter and speckled with stubble, flexing as they move so that you can just see the top of the thighs... it's enough to get me hot and bothered just thinking about them. I forbid my girlfriends from wearing pants indoors just so that I can enjoy a constant full view of their legs.

  19. Great post!

    As long as you seem to be touring NY, check out the town of Ithaca if you get the chance. It's just like Home Depot, but a TOWN (of lesbians). it's simply where they all congregate: not only the farmer daughters, tie dyed dreaded hippy chicks and softball chicks (full of those as well though), but harley driving hard butches and soft adorable bois and geeky fashion-glasses ivy league lesbians. LESBIANS. GALORE.

    Now you know about it!

    Felicia's Atomic Lounge, near downtown, is their headquarters. The USA still has some treasures....

  20. A few months ago I would have said collarbones. But I've cheated on those beloved clavicles with my new love, and she doesn't even have a proper name...

    That spot, behind the ear and down a little, where the side-back of the neck meets the hairline. It's so **soft**, and smells AMAZING, like shampoo and perfume and heaven, all in one hypnotizing scent.

    Don't get me wrong though, I love looking at a nice pair of tits, but it's the imagining how that piece of the neck would taste that does it for me. Yum.

  21. I like the collar bone and neck area, but then that just leads me to the boobs.

  22. arms. not skinny, not chunky, not overly muscular.. just nice toned arms.

  23. Oh hell yeah, boobs hella win. I am *obsessed* with my girlfriend's boobs. Seriously obsessed. So obsessed it kind of freaks her out. (But only kind of.)

  24. titaaayys! also a very special girl bit- the shneck. The shneck is that soft wonderland where the shoulder meets the neck- go ahead, stroke a shneck... you'll thank me later

  25. ASS

    oh my god, i love girls' butts. nothing better. they're like glorious boobs, only bigger :3

  26. Tattooed forearms on a hot butch. Gets me wet everytime (nice shoulders/back are pretty close runners up).

  27. Not only did I read this post snuggled up and drinking coffee with my best friend, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY IN A LIBRARY, but after we finished reading it, we went back through and rated all the boobs. The girl under "boobs win" gets the gold metal.

    Jenny McCarthy was my first celebrity crush. Nuff said about what body parts I love.

  28. Clavicles. And necks. And cheekbones. Hipbones. I'm a sucker for bone structure...

  29. bex is right.
    though this hot shirtless boi that keeps popping up (i'm ignoring the femme) makes me think that tattoos near the boobs (tiny boobs being the desired ones) might be the new tats on the forearm.
    damn keloid-ing girlfriend.
    just because they weren't mentioned...on some girls i just love back dimples.

    ps: is this ithaca thing true? please god let it be!

  30. THIGHS.

    I can't help but stare at them. I want to grab them, kiss them, bite them, bury my head between them, slap them, lick them, scratch them, and cuddle with them. My clit is hard just thinking about my girlfriend's thighs. I love them.

  31. http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D9upTLWRZTfw

  32. Sorry, that link is not spam, just a video that fits nicely with this post. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9upTLWRZTfw&has_verified=1

  33. Small of the back, the curve of the hip....mmmmm.

  34. @anonymous, that non spam video made my day. or, week. thank you.

    i'd also have to second the sexy small of the back and curve of the hips, going down.... especially with a fitting tee, and boi jeans. yes'm.

    also, about ithaca: true.

  35. Krista: Markmywords, in one year, you will be drooling -- not over boobs, but over the possibility of traveling once again. I, for one, am ready to go again and therefore, I know that it is DISTINCTLY probable.

    And I love you.

    And I think my boobs were what tipped you off in the first place. Am I right? Perhaps I'm vain? Guilty, as charged.

  36. This comment has been removed by the author.

  37. i used to be an ass woman

    then i met the gf who was blessed with perfectly shaped assets front and back.

    BOTH. I didn't think that was even possible.

    Boobs win.

  38. i am going to be totally cheesy and say personality. As Jakie Treehorn informs the Dude "the brain is the most erogenous zone." To which the Dude replies "On you maybe."

    I kinda agree w/ Jackie. The sight of Maude naked always does it for me. When you first see her whizzing through the air, her boobies flying right over head, that is HOT. Is her naked form hot because it as a pure female form or because she barely covers it the rest of the movie and trades verbal (and not so verbal) thrusts with the Dude. Do I love Maude or Maude's body? I would say Maude because she is so damn irritating in a Euro Trash way.

    Veering outside a Big Lebowski analogy, if an albino hunchback midget (Kathrine Dunn reference) makes me laugh, has something good to say, I would probably be inclined to rub the hump until i was wet.

  39. If we're talking about a clothed mystery woman, definitely the small of the back. I can't help but think how lovely it would be to sidle up to her and place my hand there. That said, a nice butt makes the lower back into an even cozier hollow.

    High cheek bones also make me melt. If you have cute little apples above your dimples (usually these individuals also have super rad, short hair and big, sparkly eyes), I will be instantly hooked.

  40. Uh...tummies. I like to lie my head right beneath a lady's belly button. ;D

  41. best. post. ever. you could write about boobs every fucking day for the rest of time and i would never get sick of reading about it. my gf has the best tits on the planet, i can't believe i get to play with them every day.

  42. Legs legs legs! Thank God for hot weather, when all the adorable girls come out in tee-tiny dresses! Collarbones, are also yummy... (wanna bite em wanna bite em).. and obviously, boobs are great. Oh and skin. Smooth lovely skin that tastes good. And body hair. Not too much but a nice amount makes me crazy. And big eyes. And that sweet little delicate bit of skin behind her ear... And little waists, and slopey necks, and shoulders, and teasing litte swingy hips and tight little bottoms in jeans, and pretty fragile fingers, and pouty lips, and tounges that poke out when they concentrate, and long soft hair, and slim curvey backs, and pointy chins...
    Sorry. got distracted.
    Forgetted how sexy girls are.
    Gonna go look at Tiffany's Wedding rehearsal photos now..

    (Awesome post, love you!)

  43. Sburgs partner says: Nice mulatto girls, with tasty chocolate skin, nice boobs, a round perky ass, and long curvy legs.- Big brown eyes too. Mmm.

    Sburg: Transboys. :D If their no-nos don't match their noggins I'm allll over it. Hands are a big seller. Guitar hands. Also... Noses.. I love striking shapley noses..

  44. Legs. I can't even focus on anything else when I see a nice pair of long, smoothe, toned legs. The legs are what gets me hooked.

    Neck. I have a weird obsession with the neck as it is both a fantastically underestimated erogenous zone while being delicate and fragile. As humans our general instinct is to protect our necks as they involve our throats, our spines, and our main blood source to the brain. Flipping that on its head and seeing how people react to the eroticization of so many vital parts is amazing to me.

    Voice. If someone has the right pitch and timbre then I don't even care what they're saying so long as they keep talking. (see: Rachel Maddow)

  45. I have to say upper-upper body, like the collar bone/chest/shoulder/neck area...never fails to make my twat quiver...if my twat could actually quiver...?

  46. Tits all the way! Love them, small, big, whatever! They even make me wanna hit on straight girls sometimes if I accidentally stair at a really nice pair. And that's why I also love a girl in a strapless top or dress, it's easy access. :) I just love boobs, and I'm glad another dyke said what I always say :)

  47. Yeah we have 24/7 access for our whole life but they are the same all the time. and for me, unless I took horrendous amounts of mind altering drugs I did not want to play with them all night.

    Until they get big and round and different.

    Like when I was breastfeeding. Now that is when self love gets interesting.

    When I caught catch sight of yourself in a shop window, and was kinda thinking about crusin until I looked up at the face - that cute big bouncy cleavage in an overly tight T was all mine.

    When I wanted to grab them really hard in a public place but worried that I would makwe the headlines in a "pervert rapes self case"

    But it was good. And I considering seriously the possibility of feeding my son until he started school (or secretly use the pump for 5 years) just to keep those wonderful gorgeous pert bouncy fresh boobs of mine.

    Oh yeah boobs are good. My vote is on fierce butches with big tits. Every time.

  48. so many! following the chin down the neck to between the boobs. i love that flat part between the breasts. i've never been a fan of my boobs, so i guess it's logical i like smaller ones on women. i do love a good collar bone.

    i will say though, my favorite part of skin- the softest in my opinion- is the upper under arm. can't beat it.

  49. I am contributing precisely nothing new, but I have to vote for thighs. Muscular thighs with little freckles or moles. Add to that a musical, womanly voice and nice-smelling hair and I'm a fucking goner. Every time.

  50. There is something extremely sensual about leaning in to connect with a beautiful girl's mouth and then sneakily bypassing it and gently placing your lips on her neck.

    You feel her head pleasurably tilt over near yours and as you continue your little sweet pecks you can just breathe her in...with every breath.

    Working your way onto her shoulder your other hand reaches up and fingers extend through her hair. She now breathes you in.

    I'm sorry...I am a bit of a romantic. *sigh*

    P.S. This can and should also be applied to her back as well. Do I hear some smooth jazz playing somewhere??


  51. Tits! All types! I'm equal-opportunity obsessed with them because they're all marvelous!

  52. the smile on a particular woman makes me want to love her other parts...


  54. The crease where ass meets the back of the thigh. There's just always this uncontrollable urge to PIIINCH IT!

  55. boobs, esp the curve at the bottom/side.
    then the hipbone.

  56. Is there a place like Ithika in Europe?

  57. A nice relaxed ass, deep butch smile lines and underside of smaller size boobs in that order. Favorite fantasy: Pammy in yellow hard hat smiling with her deep smile lines, white super short work tank with underside of boobs peeking out, harness and toy with bare relaxed ass and work boots...steel toed yessssss

  58. the latissimus dorsi is so unbelievably sexy yet often overlooked. backs in general are so beautiful with all their little lines and curves. my favorite part about being a climber is staring at a nice back on a sunny afternoon. in other scenarios, it's just a little reach around for that almost as hot boob action.

  59. Boobs win! I mean, what can go wrong there? I've never been picky, and I always want to touch em, brush em, or lick em. *sigh* That said, hips are made like handles for a reason and I like my ladies to have a resting place for my hands when I need to pull them closer. Eyes to daydream in doesn't hurt. My boys however (sorry girls), on boys it's the tummy, the treasure trail, and the hair.

  60. I do love breasts but ... I think I prefer a great smile and soft yet strong hands best of all. Oh,Oh, I forgot EYES .. I often get caught up in my partners eyes.

  61. collarbone and asssssss :) yum!

  62. Over the years boobs have always twisted my neck but I noticed as I got older , there are so many sweet sexy parts of a womans body that now I look up down around and just about get whiplash from all these sensual erotic people we call women. We can never get enough!

  63. Hips, thighs, stomach, pelvic bones, boobs. Can't. Keep. My. Hands. Off.

  64. Anything that's a halfway point. The base of the neck (between her neck and shoulders), the collar bones (between her neck and breasts), the small of a woman's back (between her ass and back), hipbones (between her stomach and lady parts), the jawline (between her neck and mouth). It's all just so tantalizing. :)

  65. Though I personally think that boobs are f'cking fantastic, there is one other thing I find too sexy to resist.

    Dimples of Venus.


    Gah, even the name. You know?

  66. I love everything on my girl's body. However, more often than not I go for the boobs first. So I feel I must say I am a boobs girl.

  67. So many parts! Eyes... I could almost fall in love with a girl just because of her eyes. Stomach- a nice, toned stomach with that little vertical indention above the belly button..mmm. Hip bones, muscular thighs, a long curved neck, suggestive shoulders. And a confession- as much as I love hairstyles with some sort of bangs, I also love to see that delicate area on the "corner" of the forehead....where the hair meets skin. It's so enticing!

  68. Booooooty!!
    When I see a girl with a nice, toned, juicy, plump, bouncy ass I am like WHAAAABAM.
    OMG I love the butt!!! Me gusta. I am Latin too so basically I am created to be obsessed with booty! Latinas have such nice asses too. Toned, luscious, they just look delicious. Mmmmmmm

    Collarbone/flexed neck muscles are a close second. When girls stretch their necks I just explode.

  69. 1) a strong, muscular back. A V-back. It's a rower thing... and it makes me seriously ready to fuck.
    2) a tight, well formed ass. Mm mm mm. I WILL take a bite out of it.

    1. I used to be a rower too...my pair used to lean back to stretch and her hair would brush against my ankles. Rawr.

      Backs and ass!

  70. Her lips, so perfect on her face, smirking at me. Mmm also her neck leading into her smooth but strong jawline when she's smirking at me, head tilting slightly to one side.

  71. I love boobs, but ASSES are the best. I have found myself staring at far too many asses. Also, I love mouths. Asses and mouths.

  72. Hips. The way a woman's stomach is all pale and soft between two bony hips.

    And LEGS. Gah spent my high school years loving going to a short skirt uniformed school (hooray!)

  73. hmmm collarbone, shoulders, neck, back...hahaha i guess i have one too many favorite partshmmm collarbone, shoulders, neck, back...hahaha i guess i have one too many favorite parts

  74. Why boobs?

    I recently read a male perspective on this, but I think it still applies:

    "So you're born, right? And not 30 minutes after you take that first breath of fresh air and monster piss you've been holding in for 9 months, you get this warm, round thing shoved in your face that is full of food and is tailor made for someone your current size and shape to be able to use without any instruction.
    For the next year, all you need to do is yell out, and these perfect globes of engineering appear to appease you. Quite literally EVERYTHING you need to survive is provided by 2 godlike melons that are at your beck and call.
    Suddenly, and quite arbitrarily, the greatest thing in the world is taken away. It becomes "uncouth" to cry and reach for breasts at the mall. From 3 until whenever-you-find-a-girlfriend, the world is full of your favorite things, heaving up and down like schooner rounding Cape Horn, and you are 100% powerless to do anything about it.
    Worse still, around 10, still YEARS away from touching one yourself, you aren't even allowed to look at the jiggly goodness without fear of getting labeled a pervert.
    This is why men don't cry and are emotionally distant. Having the only thing you want taken away, hidden, then brought back into your life with hundreds of rules and social mores governing your behavior around them is maddening.
    tl;dr More boobs, less psychological damage."

  75. I love voices...seriously if a woman has a really great voice my pants are coming off.

  76. Did we forget about inbetween the thighs..I dont know but I would think that majority of girls would like another girls...womanly bits? Maybey Im too obvious. But by far..the best part for me is, oh yeah..her pu$$y. cant get enough..
    And there is nothing hotter than seeing a girl in just white underwear, and you can kind of see where he bits are resting at the bottom. Drives me crazy.Yum yum YUM.... :)

  77. On anyone? That area to either side of the breasts where they meet the ribs, not as low as most of the ribs (although sometimes they can be felt) and not as high as the armpits. Just right in between those two areas.

  78. Hipbones. Just...hipbones

  79. A girl's back, oh myyyy

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