Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Smirking Off

How ya doin', tramps?

I'm in Long Island.  

Shit.

I hate Long Island.  The part where I am is exactly what I imagine Hell is like. 

There are no flames in my Hell. 
There are no devils. 

In my Hell, everyone is white and everyone is straight. 

Everyone is married and everyone belongs to a polite non-denominational Christian church where they have "rockin'" Saturday night services and a balding, 'funky' pastor named Mike. 

All women over 30 wear pastel golf shirts, tasteful gold-charm necklaces (shaped like starfish!) and use "fun" as an all-purpose adjective. 

Try it in a sentence!

Example: 

"Oh, those are such fun earrings!"

"What a fun salad, the crabmeat makes it so different!"

"That's a fun bag - what is that, wicker?"
OMIGOD DON'T YOU WANT TO SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING HEAD??


 Me too.

My vision of Hell scares the shit out of me.

But don't worry, gayelles.

I have something to take our minds off Long Island.

Today, we're wading deep into the murky waters of Advanced Gaydar. We're ready, no?
                                              via hipsterdykes
It's body language time.

In particular, we're talking today about a particular kind of body language that is peculiar to lesbians:

The Smirk.

Dykes smirk. 
Do you know what a smirk is? 

Wikipedia tells us "A smirk refers to a smile evoking insolence, scorn, or offensive smugness."

Offensive smugness. 
Hah.
That pretty much sums up homos in a nutshell.

Why wouldn't we be offensively smug?
We have all the answers!

                     Like,

Q: How do you have endless orgasms?

A: Get a partner that trained on the same equipment you did.

Q: How do you stay rich?

A: Don't accidentally make something that will sullenly bleed you dry for 18+ years.


Q: Who's better: Lady Gaga or Madonna?

A: Omigod that is suuuuuch a hard question, it's like we're talking about two totally different things!

See, we know all the answers.  We gays are offensively smug.
So we smirk.

Twinks, a smirk is a smile with one side of your face.
Try it. Smile with just one side of your mouth.
Instant smirk!

It makes you look like you know something others don't.  Niiiice.
A smirk is annoying.
It is superior.
It's naughty.
And it's super fucking gay. 

**Sidenote!**
I never see straight girls smirk.
I can only conclude that this is because they do not fuck other girls, and therefore have fewer things to be smug about.


Recognizing a smirk is a useful gaydar tool.
For instance, smirking is how we know that Shane on the L Word is actually gay (despite her refusal to state the incrediblyobvious fact). 

Shane is the gayest of the gay. 
Watch any scene where she's making out with any woman. 

She has the most evil fucking smirk on her face. 


You don't learn that at Method Acting School. 
That kind of pleased-with-yourself cannot be taught. 

Every time Shane is fucking a girl on-camera, I can guarantee you she is thinking one thought only:

"I can't believe I'm getting paid for this."
 

Conversely, this is also how we know that most of the rest of the cast of the L Word is straight.


Seriously, look at Bette's face sometime.  It looks like this when she's having girlsex:
Bette never smirks.

Only the truly gay smirk when having sex.
We smirk because we are so fucking pleased with ourselves.
                                                    via trophyeyes.tumblr


Smirking is the exclusive territory of dykes. 

Instead of answering a question like, "Do you like Kya?", a lesbian will smirk. 
The smirk says, "Maybe I do and maybe I don't.  She wishes I liked her."
                                            via crooksandqueens

Instead of just telling your best friend when she asks you, "So, did you guys do it, or what?"  all you have to do is smirk. 

You don't need to answer. 
The smirk answers for you.
                                                via debbielu
Easy!

Smirking = Lesbian.

Ta-da!  Now you can spot gay women.
                                         by Laura Encursiva


**A WARNING**

Sometimes women smirk without meaning to.  Don't get confused.

There used to be this public access show I was obsessed with called Sewing With Nancy
Nancy made hideous quilts and doll clothes and really unbelievable two-piece jogging suits.
 
I could. not. stop. watching.

Now, Nancy only smiles with one side of her face. 
But Nancy has had a stroke. 

Not smirking.  Stroke.
Don't mix it up.  Nancy was not (to my knowledge) having graphic lesbian sex. 
That might have kept the show on the air, though, right?


Also, the reigning queen of the one-sided-smile is Katie Holmes. 
Decidedly not gay.  Just deformed.

So it can be tricky to figure out who is actually smirking.

But once you

a) see the smirk on a woman; and

b) determine that no one is having a stroke...

just start looking for other clues. 
She's already gay, Tiger. 
Find more proof!

Not that you need it. 
Smirking is for dykes!

72 comments:

  1. Your version of hell = my college experience.

    Now I need a drink.

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  2. This is fucking hilarious.

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  3. This post had me laughing myself near tears (and smirking) the whole way through. But... you threw me over the edge with the Sewing with Nancy bit. I LOVED Nancy too!

    This post might be the best thing I've ever seen on the internet. Yes. I'm serious.

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  4. It makes my effing day when I see a new post up!! I laughed all the way through it, and got goosebumps thinking about being eternally punished in the afterlife with white straight 'burb folk.... eeeek! I couldn't think of anything worse!

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  5. You seriously make my life better, and we've never even met lol. Thank you for your insights ;)

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  6. umm I live on Long Island but then again I'm a high school senior and i'm leaving L.I in 3 months for maryland :)

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  7. Mica,
    Maryland is just as bad. Have fun with that. Decidedly few lesbians. But lotsa yuppies. Out of the frying pan, into the fire, eh?

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  8. see also: SLOUCHING. the dyke slouch should be patented.

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  9. I think Simon Cowell is a lesbian.

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  10. I love you.

    By the way, this should have been written years ago, and pasted on my front door, before I knew I liked girls. Then I would have seen it sooner. The pieces would have come together. And a whole world would have opened up. Where were you??

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  11. you could not have been more right on with this post!! i absolutely love it!

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  12. it's SO true!!!!! AHHH! the more i read your blog, the gayer i realize i am.

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  13. Haha

    This is hilarious. I just recently started dating someone new after a 2 year relationship and I tend to give "the smirk" when I look the girl I like, or have a relationship with, and they always say in their little voice, "whaaaaat??" Like I am hiding a secret or something. It happens to me everyday and I love it. You are a beautiful writer and you have the voice of a Queer Queen, one day I hope to meet you and we shall exchange smirks.

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  14. "But Nancy has had a stroke." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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  15. You are hilarious. I think your version of hell and mine are pretty damn similar.

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  16. *proceeds to stand in front of mirror and practice smirking*

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  17. goddamnit, never realised that! but this is just so true! fuuuuck, you've made my life better now XD (I'll probalby check out who's smirking now all the time xD)

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  18. fuck, I just realized that I'm truly a dyke. I just happen to be bisexual, is all.

    and AMB is right about the slouching. I'd patent the shit out of that.

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  19. Hi Ms. Krista

    My entire office is kind of in love with you. We're all straight males, though. So we'll just keep it over here.

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  20. Take the LIRR to Manhattan tonight to Splash(17th St btw 5th and 6th Aves). My friend is the only girl on an all gay hockey team and they are auctioning themselves off tonight. She is hot (great body with dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes) and needs some bidders. If nothing else you can hit on her equally hot friends.

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  21. @Mica
    I assume you're going to MICA, Mica? Baltimore has the best gay pride EVER! Giant block party crowded with outrageous gays!!
    @RadDyke
    As an awesome MD dyke who knows lots of other MD dykes... no. There are yuppies but the lesbians here are awesome!!

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  22. so fucking true i can't handle it.

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  23. @Anonymous Nah i'm going to UMD College Park and I hope its not as bad as @RadDyke says it is I but I'm hoping that the fact that its near to DC will mean lots of lesbians ;)

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  25. Haha this is genius! My girfriend smirks ALL THE TIME you are spot on! Especially in photos, as if she's asserting her gayness :)

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  26. Mica,
    UMD has dyke galore (I know a coupla of them)....just avoid the 'burbs...it's dykeless out here...diversityless too...stay on campus and there are queers everywhere...man, college rocks!

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  27. literally almost died from laughter reading this post. not only was the stroke part freaking hilarious, but basically the entire thing was spot on.

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  28. MICA!! I'm a UMD alumna! and still hang out there sometimes! make sure to go to Women2Women monday night, get in with women's bball team, etc. Lots of people are graduating this year but there should be some cool people still there.

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  29. I check this effing blog every day. I found the blog a month or so ago and immediately pulled an all nighter on the archive. You're just hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

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  30. this was amazing. but its ON long island :x. I hate it as well.

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  31. Oh god. So much to learn. ROFL The smirk. Haha

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  32. Shane's smirk is like a laser beam of pure dykeness. The intensity of it makes me melt EVERY TIME.

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  33. wait... sierra is a lesbian?

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  34. haha loved this! made me smirk so much.

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  35. but but what about Carey Mulligan? she smirks all the time!

    great post again, as always

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  36. Another great smirker is Piper Perabo...need I say more?

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  37. I copied my smirk from Harrison Ford.

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  38. Random! My mother WORKED for Nancy's Notions. She was an editor of her magazine. Even though she was employed for NN, she would record every.single.episode. on VHS of Nancy's show. My mother would come home with all the crazy, brilliant patterns of this genius woman and sew our school clothes. I have been in the presence of Nancy at her casual office and company picnics; met her son (who may in fact, have that same smirk). But I can vouch that she is your average, middle-aged,straight,Midwestern sewing rockstar.
    -j

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  39. I am straight. Well, mostly. Straight as in, I have never fucked a chick. Of course, that does not address desire, nor opportunity to do so. I do, however, really like cock, so thus far in life, I identify as straight.

    That being said: my best friend is gay. Not gay like, "I'm a woman and I like having sex with women." Gay as in, gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy with as many y's as I can press before getting bored. Now, everytime we go out someplace, it's always the same; everyone assumes I am also gay. Gay by association- I've gotten used to it.

    Up until now I always assumed that her aura of gay was just so strong that it encompassed me as well as the nearest 50 people. However, you've given me something to think about.

    I am a consummate smirker. Yes, that's a word. Or it is now at any rate. I smirk at men who find my attractive, my parents, my dog, and all of my shoes. I am a smirker: I smirk, and I even raise an eyebrow on occasion. Not both, just one. It's like a smirk with the top half of your face.

    Perhaps this is throwing off everyone's gaydar. I would give it up, but I've just got too damn much in my life to be smug about. I'd make a wonderful lesbian I suppose.

    Cheers for an amusing post, and an intriguing thought (I'm raising an eyebrow right now.)

    xoxo,
    Lilah

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  40. Lilah, you had me at the almost-quasi-you-just-thieved-us Gay, until the:

    xoxo

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  41. freakin hilarious.. made me smirk all eve long
    you should write a book, dude

    magnifique!

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  42. RE: anonymous who commented about my xoxo's.

    they're hugs and kisses. everyone wants them. don't lie. they want them all the time. preferably from naked people, but really lonely people have been known to accept them from strangers on the interwebs as well. don't hate. you know you just wanted more. and look, I'm so obliging....

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  43. -smirk-

    —Lilah's best friend.

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  44. holy shit this was funny. good work.

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  45. OMG this is my fave post.. so very true I shall smirk and smirk often !

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  46. i really just have to tell everyone i know about this blog, specifically this post.

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  47. east LI sucks nads, but if you come out to queens, LI, you won't believe yourself at how many wonderful smirking ladies there are out here.

    also, your posts constantly have me laughing, like an asshole, to myself, at the computer. so, props on making me feel like a douche for that. (in the best way, that is.)

    -finn.

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  48. Hahahaha. I smirk quite often, and I didn't even know this. Now I'm going to do it even more often.

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  49. greatest dyke smirkers of recent time:

    -Shane
    -Joan Jett (You know when you say "Joan is so cheesy, but she has that little smile..." Its the SMIRK!)
    -Kristin Stewart playing Joan Jett (damn, I KNEW she was gay - this proves it)

    I am now proud to say I've been smirking since grammar school (where my teachers told me to quit being a smart-ass; now we know I was just being gay)
    and I've been recently lamenting how I have a "lopsided smile" and I can't seem to get it straight - haha, you've validated my facial flaw into some queer pride. Yahoo.

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  50. so amazing. And I love that you used Sierra from VersaEmerge as an example. I have some new questions for her when I meet her later this month ;T

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  51. The other day, I was shopping at the mall and some cute guys were checking me out. There was a time not so long ago when I would have flirted back because, you know: male attention, that all-important validator of female hotness. But these days, I'm more interested in finding a girlfriend, so, sorry guys: my body is not.for.you. I just looked at them and smirked.

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  52. i like this blog...trueee

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  53. i agree, but then why does katee sackhoff smirk all the time when making out with guys? -shrug-

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  54. The one smirking picture is of Sierra Kusterbeck (the hot chick in the blue shirt popping her collar cuz she knows shes got it goin on) from the band VersaEmerge..is she gay ? Because this would make my life.

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  55. Hahaha, the smirk. I definitely smirk all the time and I don't think anyone (straight) recognizes it as the dyke smirk, but your version of hell, yeah I grew up with that. Only Chinese woman in all white suburbia. Doesn't help to have white parents either.

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  56. This is totally why Justin Beiber is a dyke!!

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  57. Smirk-a-licous, gets the girls every time.

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  58. Dude, my amazing and dykey art history professor smirks all the time, but in a really professional/academic way. Love her.

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  59. LOVE YOU. I have having such a bad day and you are doing a fantastic job of cheering me up.

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  60. I love this post. almost as much as i like being offensively smug. is it my own twisted mind or does callie torres/sara ramirez do the smirk on grey's anatomy all the time? Jessica capshaw doesnt. she does the wallace&gromit smile.

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  61. Katie Holmes has Bell's Palsy, which affects her smile.

    random fact

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell%27s_palsy

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  62. I do it all the time, didn't notice it was a gay thing though!

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  63. I smirk because my smile is slightly lopsided...from a softball injury.

    Does it get any dyke-ier?

    I didn't think so.

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  64. Well, I don't identify as a lesbian, I'm firmly bi-sexual. However, it's kind of spooky how many of these ring true for me. I smirk. In every senior picture, I smirked. I'm reading all these posts backwards, so I can also say that I am very asymetrical, can rock a fedora, and I only wear that studded belt. Despite being on the femme side, I get asked out by women a lot. As one friend of mine put it "you look very femme and could be a straight girl... but you give off all the clothing signals for being really into girls."

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  65. I just found your blog. I'm in love. I might miss hot yoga today to keep reading. I have been reading every chance I get for the past 2 days. I am from Long Island. I lived in Olympia WA for 11 years. I am living on LI again, it is only temporary. I miss dykes. this has been helping :) thanks.

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  66. This one was an eye-opener! I've been wondering for 20+ years now, why I don't smile "properly" in pics. :)

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  67. First thing my brother said to me the first time he saw me after I came out... "what's with the smirk". Apparently I was already sending out GAYtastic vibes all around.

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  68. Aaaaand I present Miss Emily Dickinson, lesbian smirking like there's no tomorow:

    http://s3.amazonaws.com/files.posterous.com/guykawasaki/ptFfiotiasIhtesAtCGbwqxjCbnyDkFkpkrddqEzhFIGwhhbJupqezmuAwej/media_httpfarm9static_utChr.jpg.scaled500.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJFZAE65UYRT34AOQ&Expires=1346990117&Signature=5sokqHQen%2F4JikZkwrvOdGdhRFU%3D

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  69. OMG I've never noticed! I do the smirk all. the. time. Haven't paid attention (maybe I should check the mirror sometime). I can't even fucking smile normally anymore :D feels so weird... I mean I can't smile normally like lips together, only my teeth-showing-cute-smile.

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