How ya doin', tramps?
I'm in Long Island.
I hate Long Island. The part where I am is exactly what I imagine Hell is like.
There are no flames in my Hell.
There are no devils.
In my Hell, everyone is white and everyone is straight.
Everyone is married and everyone belongs to a polite non-denominational Christian church where they have "rockin'" Saturday night services and a balding, 'funky' pastor named Mike.
All women over 30 wear pastel golf shirts, tasteful gold-charm necklaces (shaped like starfish!) and use "fun" as an all-purpose adjective.
Try it in a sentence!
"Oh, those are such fun earrings!"
"What a fun salad, the crabmeat makes it so different!"
"That's a fun bag - what is that, wicker?"
OMIGOD DON'T YOU WANT TO SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING HEAD??
My vision of Hell scares the shit out of me.
But don't worry, gayelles.
I have something to take our minds off Long Island.
Today, we're wading deep into the murky waters of Advanced Gaydar. We're ready, no?
It's body language time.
In particular, we're talking today about a particular kind of body language that is peculiar to lesbians:
Do you know what a smirk is?
Wikipedia tells us "A smirk refers to a smile evoking insolence, scorn, or offensive smugness."
That pretty much sums up homos in a nutshell.
Why wouldn't we be offensively smug?
We have all the answers!
Q: How do you have endless orgasms?
A: Get a partner that trained on the same equipment you did.
Q: How do you stay rich?
A: Don't accidentally make something that will sullenly bleed you dry for 18+ years.
Q: Who's better: Lady Gaga or Madonna?
A: Omigod that is suuuuuch a hard question, it's like we're talking about two totally different things!
See, we know all the answers. We gays are offensively smug.
So we smirk.
Twinks, a smirk is a smile with one side of your face.
Try it. Smile with just one side of your mouth.
It makes you look like you know something others don't. Niiiice.
A smirk is annoying.
It is superior.
And it's super fucking gay.
I never see straight girls smirk.
I can only conclude that this is because they do not fuck other girls, and therefore have fewer things to be smug about.
Recognizing a smirk is a useful gaydar tool.
For instance, smirking is how we know that Shane on the L Word is actually gay (despite her refusal to state the incrediblyobvious fact).
Shane is the gayest of the gay.
Watch any scene where she's making out with any woman.
She has the most evil fucking smirk on her face.
You don't learn that at Method Acting School.
That kind of pleased-with-yourself cannot be taught.
Every time Shane is fucking a girl on-camera, I can guarantee you she is thinking one thought only:
"I can't believe I'm getting paid for this."
Conversely, this is also how we know that most of the rest of the cast of the L Word is straight.
Seriously, look at Bette's face sometime. It looks like this when she's having girlsex:
Bette never smirks.
Only the truly gay smirk when having sex.
We smirk because we are so fucking pleased with ourselves.
Instead of just telling your best friend when she asks you, "So, did you guys do it, or what?" all you have to do is smirk.
You don't need to answer.
The smirk answers for you.
Smirking = Lesbian.
Ta-da! Now you can spot gay women.
by Laura Encursiva
Sometimes women smirk without meaning to. Don't get confused.
There used to be this public access show I was obsessed with called Sewing With Nancy.
Nancy made hideous quilts and doll clothes and really unbelievable two-piece jogging suits.
I could. not. stop. watching.
Now, Nancy only smiles with one side of her face.
But Nancy has had a stroke.
Not smirking. Stroke.
Don't mix it up. Nancy was not (to my knowledge) having graphic lesbian sex.
That might have kept the show on the air, though, right?
Also, the reigning queen of the one-sided-smile is Katie Holmes.
Decidedly not gay. Just deformed.
So it can be tricky to figure out who is actually smirking.
But once you
a) see the smirk on a woman; and
b) determine that no one is having a stroke...
just start looking for other clues.
She's already gay, Tiger.
Find more proof!
Not that you need it.
Smirking is for dykes!