Monday, May 10, 2010

Homo Improvement


Hmph.

I thought y'all were my internet friends.

You act like my friends - you send me great letters, telling me all about where to find the lezzies in every city in America. 
You write. 
You facebook. 
You call.
by brooze via diviantart

But it turns out you don't actually care about my happiness. 
Even a little.  Even at all.

I have just one question for you, you secretive whores:

HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT HOME DEPOT???

Hmm?

Welllll?

All this time, I could have been cruising the power-tool-aisles of Home Depot, making significant eye contact with construction butches!


All this time, I could have been pretending to have "a serious crabgrass problem" with the orange-aproned dyke in the landscaping department!

Y'all obviously aren't polite and you like to keep secrets.
Or you're just selfish and greedy - you want to keep the good lesbian haunts for yourself!
                                                                      via genderfork

Well, you're busted.  I know all about Home Depot now. 
And I'm going back, every Saturday, for the rest of my damn life.


CJ took me. 
She's always loved Home Depot.


She'll call me breathlessly from the store, saying something like, "Omigod! They have the new G-4 bit for my dremel (the off-brand one) and I can't wait to use it because I've had sooo many problems with the G-3 standard-issue fine grade! You know?"

And I will yawn, look at the clock, realize it's 3 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon, and wonder how long ago she left. 
How long have I been sleeping?  And who's going to bring me coffee?

I never wanted to go to Home Depot.  Understandably. 
Here's a list of some things I am not interested in:


1) Tools
2) Building stuff
3) Lighting fixtures
4) Sandpaper
5) Fertilizer
6) Plumbing
7) Fixing broken shit
8) Math
9) People who want to use math to help them with any of the above items.

Home Depot, as I know you already know (assholes) stands for all of these things. 

Home Depot is a shining beacon for anybody who ever said, "I bet I could make that.  And for cheaper, too."
                                                               via myparentswereawesome


Well, homos, when I finally walked into Home Depot myself, it was only because we were turning the extra bedroom into an enormous walk-in closet, and CJ tricked me by telling me she "needed my input" on how many shoe-shelves we should be putting in. 
What did I think?  Two, maybe three shelves?


WHAT. 


Um. I obviously needed to go with her, because the answer to that question is:
What the eff do you mean, "how many shelves?"


I had clearly stated that the only way our new closet could be awesome would be if it had wrap-around-the-walls, floor-to-ceiling shoe space. 

There had already been an elaborate diorama made, involving Midge the bunny, a large shoebox, popsicle sticks, and Gorilla Glue. 

Midgie was playing the part of "Delighted Shoe-Owner Inside New Closet."  (Sarah Jessica Parker herself couldn't have played it better.)

I couldn't count on CJ to not mess up my dream.  This was my shoe vision!
So I went to Home Depot.

We walked in.

And it smelled like sawdust and rubber, and

*POOF*

I was instantly transported back to the Saturdays when my dad and I would get in the truck and go to Fleet Farm, and he would let me buy peanut marshmallow candy (as long as I didn't tell Mom) and I was allowed to run around all by myself and we would synchronize our watches and meet back at the checkout line in exactly 45 minutes.
 
I felt so grown-up.  I would go sniff the tires like I was snorting lines of rubber, puffed up with pride.
My dad and I were on an errand, doing important shit for our household!  He would only take me!


Whoa. 
Home Depot was just like that.  Except this time, I went as an adult. 
With adult eyes.


And my adult eyes saw lesbians.

Dykes!
Old-school butches!  Married-with-a-house dykes!  Lesbians holding hands in the lumber aisle!  A grizzled old butch helping people mix paint!

I turned to CJ.

Me: Why didn't you tell me.

 
CJ: I tried. They sell hot dogs, too.

You guys, I got so excited about Home Depot that I got a little carried away. 

I was suddenly overcome with my first-ever urge to make something.
There were all these cool little metal-y doo-dads in a bin, and I wanted them to make heavy-duty industrial punk jewelry with.

But then I remembered that:

1) Wearing chains and locks and metal washers is so high-school-goth-in-the-late-90s; and

2) I have a whole bin full of "tough-looking" jewelry that juuust doesn't work on me.  Once (during the overly-confident baby-dyke years) I went to a gay bar in Minneapolis with a studded-leather dog collar on, and everybody told me how much they liked my costume.  But I was for serious.

I ended up with a little piece of wood, some tiny metal pieces, and the firm resolve to make a toothbrush rack.

We walked around and around, and I saw more lesbians than I've ever seen in Chicago in one place.

Dykes buying drill bits.
Dykes getting keys cut.
A butch with a buzz-cut, investigating a gas grill the size of a car, with a blissed-out look on her face.
Dykes everywhere.

You sluts! 
Home Depot!  A lesbian wonderland!
                                                                             via jengillen
 Why didn't you tell me???

29 comments:

  1. Hey....there are dykes at home depot....you should check it out.

    P.S.
    Lowe's is the same in case you feel like mixing it up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry Dude..thought everyone knew the "homo-depot" story. Yes, Lowe's is the same but the orange color just brings out more emotions in butches. ;)

    On your next visit, don't forget to check out the garden center at HD. I came home last Saturday with a shit load more than what was on my list.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Homo-depot was totally my Saturday haunt when I first started wanting the ladies.
    I applied there like.. Four times, just so I could be the cute lil' check-out dyke the other dykes could check out while they bought their home building supplies.

    Butches are lovely. *sigh*
    ...I'm going to ask my boifriend right now if we can go this weekend...

    Thanks for reminding me about how much I -love- (LOVELOVELOVE) home improvement stores.

    See y'all fags at home hardware!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ummm... not in MN.

    p.s. fleet farm is the shit!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Have you seen this?
    Yes it's creepy but the content reminded me of you ;)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5bYDhZBFLA&feature=player_embedded

    ReplyDelete
  6. Aw we don't have Home Depot in Australia...
    We have Bunnings.
    With 40 year old single mother's and 15 year old girly girls.
    No fair!

    ReplyDelete
  7. have you ever gone to the dog park on a sunday? it's by far the only thing as gay as homedepot other than the drag show brunch in dc.

    ReplyDelete
  8. How cute... I was just in Home Depot yesterday, I lost myself for an hour looking at houseplants in the garden center... I came home and told my boyfriend (eek, yes, I have one of those) that I could have spent $100 dollars on plants alone. Hugs from HW

    ReplyDelete
  9. Any chance you remember our *first ever* bus ride to the quary freshman year to get groceries from Rainbow and random shit from target? pretty sure i made y'all wait for me while i ran into the depot. how did we not know then, burton. how did YOU not know?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Fantastic. My ex and I bought a little fire pit for my backyard from a Lowe's. The box was too big for the cart so we awkwardly tried to balance it so we could it up to the front of the store. Frustrated, my ex shook her head, told me to back away from the cart and she hefted that thing all the way up to the front of the store.

    I'm sure it was very helpful the way I laughed at her. We earned such lesbian merit badges that day.

    Hmm... I think I might have to go back soon too...

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've had this sneaking suspicion for decades that my grandma is a lesbian who because of her generation/being Mexican never made the leap. The woman HATES shopping except for two things: Fancy Electronics AND ANYTHING home improvement related. She literally gets a blissed-out look just driving past Home Depot.

    This is further evidence in the "Yes, Grandma you are a lesbian" collumn.

    Now I just wish I could find a sassy older (rich) lady to hook her up with who would also make me her favorite and spoil me to death.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Okay, problem.
    So remember a while ago (like waaaaaaaaaay long time ago) when you posted about country girls and how they probably weren't gay?
    So, small town Home Depot, rural south. Lotsa cute chicks....all with their husbands/boyfriends. Yeahhhh....I think this only works in suburbia/city spaces.
    Otherwise....well, she's probably just a cowgirl!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dick's Sporting Goods also has tons of lesbos. Irony with the name, I realize, but it's true.

    ReplyDelete
  14. but what if you like femmes????????
    would they frequent homo depot?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hrrrmmm. Thanks for the tip. I'll be sure to need some metal pieces and screws in the near future.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Also has a ton of homos? Fry's Electronics. It's like the Home Depot for computers. So many gays. I'm not sure if Chicago has Fry's, but you can probably find the equivalent.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Just wait til you try out a weed whacker.

    For real.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yeah, in MN it is really more of a Hetero Depot. I am usually the only queer when I go in there, unless my gdar is really off... Maybe there is a secret home depot that all the lez's go to that I don't know about! Or maybe Twin Cities dykes don't like to DIY?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Now knowing about Home Depot is like not getting the toaster oven. This saddens me.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Because you have publicly admitted to being more than a little accident prone. Go watch the girls, leave the tools to the big butches. LMFAO

    F.Y.I. The public library in any major city. Happy Hunting!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I thought you knew! It seems so OBVIOUS! Lesbians like tools, Home Depot is full of tools! (heh, tools twice in one sentence... excellent).

    ReplyDelete
  22. Don't tell me you've never seen "Hung"!? I mean, come on. I just assumed you read the booklet that came with your lesbian card. Hint: Homo Depot works in Canada too. And if you like the sporty dykes, check out MEC. Aww yeah.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Alas, every time I go to Home Depot I'm with my husband, and I can't say it's ever been a joyful experience. Home Depot with a dude does not equal joy. The worst was when I was about one week from delivering our twins and he made me stand with the cart for about 35 minutes while he went looking for something. Finally I sat down on a palette of quikrete and cried.

    On a happier note, I'd really, really, really like to see the diorama with the popsicle sticks and Midge. I desire a shoe closet of similar proportions.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh, my gaydar sucks. Been in Homedepot so often for stuff (cause I like home improvement, but took awhile to shake off the repression and realize I liked women too) and never noticed lots of lesbians there. Now must do research!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I DID NOT KNOW THIS EITHER.

    And now I'm really sad that there isn't a Home Depot anywhere particularly accessible to me.

    *Sigh* It's a hard life.

    ReplyDelete
  26. There's also that giant hardware store on clark near Touche. It's like indie home depot. So many dykes.

    My latest favorite places for girl scouting in Chicago:
    Kopi Cafe
    T's
    Any dog park/ beach/ or sidewalk in Andersonville

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sexleksaker intimleksaker.com

    ReplyDelete
  28. Excuse me, but YOUR gaydar sucks. I know one of the people whose picture you put on this post personally and I can assure you she is 100% straight.

    ReplyDelete
  29. If you need your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (no matter why you broke up) you must watch this video
    right away...

    (VIDEO) Have your ex CRAWLING back to you...?

    ReplyDelete