Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bringing Up Baby

What up, sluts?

Today I'm in Pittsburgh, PA. 
Pittsburgh effing rules.
There are lots of butch dykes here.  And now that it's construction season, they're back out on the streets.

Mmmm...metalworking lezzies.....

However, am I out enjoying the bounty of an early diesel-dyke harvest?
No.
No, I am not.


Instead, I am curled up in a fluffy Sheraton down comforter, listening to it rain and giggling myself to fucking death over my new phone app.


It's an app that translates what you say into any language in the world.

I've been saying shit like, "I find you terribly attractive, but I have gonorrhea and must demure tonight" and shrieking with laughter when it comes out in perfect Portuguese.

("Acho que voce e muito atraente, mas eu tenho gonorrhea e nao pode ter sexo hoje a noite.")


Then I copy the text and off it goes to one of my incredibly unfortunate bilingual friends.

I can now say, "That's what your mom said last night" in 62 different languages. 

Let's join hands and break into a chorus of "We Are the World", shall we?
*Sigh*
I need the distraction, faggots.
Somethings's been on my mind a lot, lately.
I'd say for, oh, about the last two years.
But it's really started to bother me this year.


Because this is the year I turned 27.

In my mind, as a kid, I imagined 27 as the magical age where I would have it all together. 


I would look fucking cool.
 I would smoke pencil-thin cigarettes in a Paris that always rained.
                                                                      via fuckyeahangelina
I would cling to the back of my lover's motorbike and laugh over my shoulder. 

I would have a small dog that I cuddled with in pictures. 

I would wear "serious glasses" to listen to authors read from their newest works. 



In short, my life would look like a fun, vaguely-pornographic American Apparel ad. 

I think I settled on 27 years old because that was the age all the glamorous female business-owners were in VOGUE. 
VOGUE was very important in my house.
My mom and I studied that magazine every month, with me on her lap, the second it flopped onto our front stoop in its plastic wrapper.


When I got too big to sit on her lap, we put our heads together at the kitchen table and leafed through the pages.


Mom drank Sanka and educated my ass.

Dolce & Gabbana was for trashy gold-diggers. 
Gucci was for new money and Italians.  
Tommy Hilfiger was a flash in the pan. 
Ralph Lauren did 'prep school' and 'equestrian' beautifully.  
Dior was for ladies. 
Pucci was hideous and always had been. 
Marc Jacobs was acceptable until you were 30. 
Prada was usually right (when they weren't fucking around with minimalism.) 


I basically learned to read with VOGUE
I can still remember, at six, thinking, "Why are all these women named Chanel?"

The gorgeous, lanky jewelry designers with boutiques in London were always 27 years old. 
                                                  via raychel
And now I am 27.  And soon I'll be 28.  And then it's only 2 years to 30! 


And I am worried, oppressed, and haunted by one question:


"When are you too old for all this?"


As in, when are you too old to be a fuck-up? 

*When are you too old to think you look fantastic in suspenders? (and be absolutely correct, bitches). 
*When do you have to stop changing jobs every year?

 *When do you stop hanging out with your friends at clubs and start getting interested in fuckery like gardening and Merlot
*When are skinny-jeans too young for you? 
 
*When do you have to start dressing your age?  At what age is the dyke haircut silly?

You can see I can't sleep at night. 
Our culture worships the young.  At some point, I will no longer be young. 
What the fuck am I going to do?

AM I GOING TO HAVE TO STOP SAYING "FUCK"????

Because I don't think I can. 
I will not be able to give up shitty hip-hop. 
I may never be able to afford insurance.
I can't find a career I'm interested in.

I am nowhere near grownup status, and yet: 
I am a grownup.

There are unsettling signs.


Tricks, I already fucking hate going dancing. 
I already get sleepy at 10 p.m. 
And I have coupons for Denny's that I use.


NEXT STOP:  A hot mug of Ensure and a 6 p.m. enema.

Right?  What do you think? 


You're rolling your eyes.
You're going "Honey, you couldn't pay me to be 27 again."
And that's fine.  Lord your wisdom over me.  I'm used to being the youngest.  Baby in the family, baby among my friends, always the youngest.


But holy fuck, there are new babies in town.  New kids were born, and they are now taking over.
Do you know I had a conversation with a girl born in the 90s???
The fetus could talk.
I was like, "Shit, girl, you missed so much."

And don't give me that "you're only as old as you think you are" crap. 
You can't tell me you haven't seen sad people who act/seem/dress too young for their age. 
I like trendy shit. 
I am scared of being one of the sad people.


Chinda says we'll be awesome at any age and would-I-shut-the-fuck-up-about-this-already.
But she's Asian and her opinion doesn't count here.  Asians don't age.  They just go on being hot until they die. (Probably because they're so bored with being hot.)

My Nana says that once you get older, you become invisible. 


I don't want to be invisible!

Nana (who was a real looker, christ almighty) also says that becoming invisible was a blessing.  She just didn't care about stupid shit anymore.

What do you think, homos? 
I know you're scoffing.  But this actually fucking worries me.

Can you help me with my slightly-more-than-a-quarter-life crisis? 


How can we age gracefully?  How can we grow up un-lame?


How can we stay rad?

51 comments:

  1. You and my girlfriend should get together and be all anxious and stuff for a day.

    But no, I feel you. I kinda hope that as I get older, I'll continue to scoff at younger folk, the way I do now ("college? pffffffft I'm so over that shit!") cuz I'd rather scoff than be jealous.

    In all seriousness: I think as long as you don't sell out and become boring, you're all good. I somehow don't see that happening. Keep swearing, you'll be fine ;)

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  2. i have nearly identical concerns, except that i'm *already* taking an interest in fuckery like 'drinking good liquor' and 'getting a dining room table and chairs that are coordinated.' i've started waking up on my own between 6:45 and 8:15 IN THE MORNING. and i'm too crotchety to go to bars just to shoot the shit, and shows are too loud. it doesn't help that i teach college kids now, who were ALL born in the 90s. some of them remember their PARENTS making mixtapes, but none of them have ever made one. i also wear sunscreen now every day. i just someone has the heart and the balls to tell me when i'm dressing inappropriate and look like one of those foolish middle agers on facebook who are all "srsly, wut u dunnnn???/?/?"

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  3. GAAAK! You're in Pittsburgh! Today! I live in Pittsburgh! You're like, five miles from me! *choking with the awesome* No one i read EVER comes to Pittsburgh! Sorry, but this is really damn cool to me.

    Okay, now onto your topic. My mom acts like you act, and she's going to be fifty in three years. I think she thinks that since she thinks she can pull it off, she can pull it off. (Whew- did you make it through that sentence?) She doesn't say fuck, but she listens to and loves modern music, concerts, and wears cool clothes. I think that as long as you keep thinking you're cool enough to rock suspenders and say fuck, you will be. It goes along with that whole, 'fake it til you make it' thing. if you act confident, people will think you are. If you act cool and awesome, people wont be laughing and pointing, no matter what your age.

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  4. p.s.- are you gonna go to Phipps and The Rex and South Side and PPG?!? Sorry, i can't help it. You're in Pittsburgh. This is extremely cool.
    Ahem. That is all.

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  5. this is my current crisis as well. do i have to stop buying novelty prints on ebay and mascot costumes and clown makeup?

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  6. i LOVE pittsburgh. anyway, my grandma says that when you get old you can either be crazy or invisible. she chose crazy and i love her more than pittsburgh.

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  7. Dude, the way I see it, if you're one of those gals who can rock suspenders and not look like a total goof at 27, then hey, you'll still be one of those gals who can rock 'em at 57.
    And gettin' old doesn't mean you have to get boring. My partner is...significantly older than you. And she wears hot jeans, listens to more Gaga than a gay college boy (trust me, that's a lotta Gaga) and stays up late to shoot pool in bars.
    Personally, I can't wait to be 30....

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  8. 27 was the shit! I am thirty, and hating it! Now I'm a real age. At least at 27, 28 and even 29, you can get away with stuff 'cause you're still in your twenties. Now I have to be all responsible and use REAL words instead of "fuck." Though, I only do that in public. If you know me (or read any of my books), I curse like a sailor and am proud of it! :)

    I think we maintain our "cool" by maintaining our confidence. Can I, as an alt model, compete with girls just 5 years younger than me? No. But I can be professional and prompt (something most models lack), and I can wear my ink and piercings with grace and dignity.

    It's scary as we get older. We look and see what our parents or grandparents did at this age. Quite personally, I'm not even close to where my mother or grandparents were when they were thirty. But they never modeled or wrote any books, so ha! ;)

    Own it, girl! If you make it your own, the big 3-0 won't be so bad after all!

    PS, it is NOT a requirement to grow up when you hit thirty! ;)

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  9. My mom is 38. She still parties, hangs out, wears jeans and bikinis. All of my friends love her, they think she's awesome. Because she's chill. I think I could be 38 and my friends would still love her. My mom's not gay but she's one of those femmes who secretly love "guy" stuff. I think as long as you're kool and marginally unconventional you'll never be old. Old is when you're stuck in your ways, have a routine and when any little thing completely throws off your life. If you go with the flow, you might still be old agewise, but your mind and spirit will be forever young.

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  10. How to keep being rad: don't freak out about age. Tell people your wrinkles are character lines. Wear screaming colors and roll your eyes when people pass you and giggle. Tell them to shut the fuck up, that you're older than them and you know that life is a hell of a lot less silly than they think it is. Then go off with one of your lovers (take your pick, because goddess knows, you're going to have several due to your hotness on so many levels) and give them the finger over your shoulder, on the back of said lover's motorbike.

    I can't ever imagine you being less than cool. Not gonna happen.

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  11. PSHAW! I wanna get old. I'm 28. I'm not cool by anyone else's standards but my own. And I am fine with that. I could give a rat's ass what anyone but my kid and my spouse think of me. And by the time either of them are embarrassed by me, it'll be too late. They'll be stuck with me regardless! Haha! My plan is coming to fruition. No one can stop me! aaakkk.....

    ahem. Sorry bout that. I get carried away sometimes. So yeah, rock the big 2-8 or the big 3-0. Welcome it with open arms. Getting older is a privilege that was denied to many today. Live your life. Screw everyone else. :)

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  12. This is so my life. I just turned 28 last week, and these questions HAUNT ME.

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  13. Ugh, I am exactly 27 as well and I've already been divorced (not legally, though, cuz, you know, no gay marriage and shit). Hell if I know how to answer your question, but at least I can say that I'm in the same boat.

    I feel so fucking old, and also like a little kid. It's devastating.

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  14. Heh. 1993, and just looking forward to getting the fuck out of high school.

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  15. 27 was a great year for me. It was the year I met my partner/wife (lucky me I live in Massachusetts) of 22 years. Yep that's right kids I am hurdling towards the big 50 in just a few months. So for what it's worth:

    1. I'm having the best sex of my life, ok not right at this moment, but you get the point. Sorry, I know that some of you will be forced to think about your parents...yep they're doing it.

    2. I say fuck more now than I ever; quite frankly I don't think I can stop. I have even created a number of new fuck phrases. I do have a real job, I just look for folks, who also have foul mouths.

    3. Wear your hair anyway you want. I have been wearing the same dyke doo since I was 7 years old.

    4. Dress however you want. I would suggest you avoid animal print overalls, but other than that I think you're safe. Who cares if you come across as Golden Girls'Blanche?

    5. So you don't like going to the bar anymore, so now you can do something you like better, like sex, ah the joys of wisdom.

    6. Need health insurance, move to Massachusetts, you can get insurance through a state plan, or marry you girlfriend, and jump on that way. Don't worry Provincetown will still feel like a vacation.

    A few months ago, I was talking to my grandmother who had just turned 96. I asked her if she ever thought she would live so long. She said, no she didn't. Then she said to me, "just imagine, you could live to be 150." Just imagine Kristen, you really could live to be 150, that makes 27 more like 15--you've got plenty of time to work your way through this crisis.

    I'll leave you with my personal motto for aging, "youth is fleeting, but immaturity is forever"

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  16. RB2388, thank you so much. Your comment made me laugh and feel better. Also, yay MA!
    -Forever Immature

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  17. Oh! I am 27 also, and going through a lot of this weirdness (I have taken to openly ogling girls from cafes because nightclubs are TOO LOUD FOR MY OLD EARS). I am reassured, though, by the fact that most of my lovers have been WELL older than I am now, and have all been smoking hot. Um, my observations are that sex gets more awesome with age- I have extensively researched this and the conclusions are all positive. And, I am happy to report that at the same time I noticed WRINKLES (GAH) I noticed that I too was becoming a beneficiary of this increased-sex-drive-with-age thing! Thanks, body, with the sweeteners!

    I reckon dykes have a way longer shelf-life of hotness than society allows for straight-ladies. The age 50+ dykes I know party way more than I do now (more like I did when I was 22), look hotter than I do in leather, and can afford better drugs than me. I think of them and feel much less anxious & afraid about my receding mid-20's.

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  18. This post could not have been timed better.

    I turned 27 in February.
    Today I checked my bank balance.
    NEGATIVE 50 DOLLARS!

    I screamed "AREN'T I TOO OLD FOR THIS FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE SHIT," turned towards my 30 year old wife, and caught her nodding her head sagely.

    Balls.

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  19. Pittsburgh is awesome. Say hello to some "bangers" for me.

    The GREAT thing about being a lesbian is that lesbians think older women are hot (candice burgen anyone? susan sarandon? um yes please. diane keaton? don't mind if I do.) So stop worrying so bad. If anything, Lesbians settle into our lesbianism and dumb-o boys stop harrassing us.

    You are fucking SCHOOLED in fashion. Your mom did you a big ass favor. You will always be classy and have "style" in that indescribile way that women with real PERSONALITY do. You're going to be fine. The new interests will happen naturally and you will grow OLDER not old.

    I say Fuck all the time, I'm wearing these bitchin boots right now(http://www.amazon.com/dp/B002CYAM3C/?tag=onsale.s-20) and I'm almost 32.

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  20. Be really damn funny and slightly evil, and you can get away with anything.

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  21. I'm 40. I keep forgetting. I see all these twentysomethings on this page and say: oh, I'm an old creep for being here, that's right.

    But everyone here is so sarcastic. This is my tribe. Age means nothing.

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  22. These comments alone should be your next post. SO much wisdom! Made my day! I, too, fret about getting old, (I'm about to turn 28) and then I say: FUCK it. Life is short.

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  23. I AM LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW IT IS UNCONTROLLABLE.

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  24. Silly dyke, don't you know? The 30's are the new 20's! People are refusing to grow up! This means you don't have to worry about being 27 until you're 37, now. Quit your job (well... unless you like it, it does seem rather awesome), buy some new suspenders, and forget about merlot. You've got another ten years before you need to freak out. ;)

    J

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  25. I suppose you can continue to worry, or just do whateverthefuck you want. If you look like a dumbass, I'm sure your girlfriend will point it out. Even if you look like someone that dresses too young, and think that the "dyke hair cut" no longer suits your age, if you own it, most people will just think it's hot.

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  26. Ha, great post as usual. I think I remember stressing about being 27. That was a long time ago. 43 almost 44 is insanely better. I say fuck all the time. My sense of fashion is way better (which is not actually saying much in my case but work with me). The forties have been the most amazing time of my life. I couldn't imagine things getting better, but WOW they have.

    I can't stay out late like I used to, 'tis true, but who the fuck cares?

    Oh - and - I still listen to and LOVE the cheesiest music from the 80s. Journey, anyone?

    It gets better. True. Really really true. And older women? We're fucking hot. Just sayin.

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  27. I about peed myself when I read your post because I thought I was alone in my inane thoughts of early old age.

    I don't know about you but I just got my invite for my high school's ten year reunion. Fuck. I never thought this day would ever come. Now it has. To top off such an awesome thing Mr. Popular, Mr. Prom-king-four-years-in-a-row saw me at my coffee job at the airport. He asked if I remembered him from high school, I said not really. He knew me though, he went on and on about how he is going to Stanford now, how he is getting a PhD in political science, and wasn't that great? I told him to eat shit and die, I was only doing this coffee thing to pay my tuition because I am actually pre-astronaut. That's right, out space motherfucker. Oh, and between all my studying, and working, I invented Post-Its. He didn't get the Post-Its reference, I guess Stanford will let anyone get a PhD these days.

    That lovely experience has taught me to screw what other people are thinking and doing and do what makes me happy, because I am so old now, I can gain wisdom even when I act poorly or make a fool of myself. That is the beauty of getting old. That and saying "damn kids.." all the time.

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  28. I am 40. I just don't give a fuck what others think. I still wear my chuck taylors or my air walks. I still live in Levis 501's. No, not haute couture but me couture and comfy.
    I am back in school learning a new job. I've put in 20 years in one profession already. You have time.
    Screw the mundanes and their gray, lifeless little world. I have a good time. I have plenty of "lady friends".I stay up til 4 am. It's actually more fun now, than at twenty.
    Getting older was the best thing to happen to me. And when I become invisible at say 60, better for me. I will raise so much hell when no one is looking. Just give me the chance.

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  29. My God, you guys are making me feel so much better and cheering me the hell up.

    Here in Appleton, WI, I keep re-reading all these comments while clutching my coffee mug. It's really helping!!

    We should make a lil' booklet of all your thoughts and mass-distribute it to laydays on their birthday.

    Fuck, now I want sex at 40 right nooowwww. Greediness!

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  30. Not relevant to the topic, but I'm pretty sure that those bugs in your poll are *Scutigera coleoptrata*-- house centipedes. Gross.

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  31. Awww man! I wish i would have known you were in Pitt. . .you should come to Morgantown! i'll show you a great time.&& 27 is young, you got lots of time ahead!

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  32. "Acho que voce e muito atraente, mas eu tenho gonorrhea e nao pode ter sexo hoje a noite."


    By the way, perfect portuguese would be:

    Acho que você é muito atraente, mas eu tenho gonorreia e não posso fazer sexo hoje a noite..



    Loved it

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  33. Oh, baby. First off, you're a fucking superstar at my all-women's college. Second off, I was born in 1990.

    BUT to cure your aging identity: http://xkcd.com/150/

    Just read it over and over. XD

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  34. I am 26 going on 27 and have gone through this paralyzing crisis more than once. It's fucking scary as shit. I have a hard time keeping up with my younger girlfriend (who was born in the 80's thank gawd) by staying out late at clubs, because I can't stand the loud music, having drinks spilled all over my person as I am being moshed through the crowd. Tis sad. BUT my new favorite hangout is the farmers market every saturday morning in Oakland, and seeing all the effing HOT dykes walking around in their summer clothes...you probably won't see the previous night party-goers nursing their hangover at the farmers market. Among many other things, I rather enjoy the freedom that comes with age.

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  35. Rad Bitches over 30

    Joan Jett
    Ani Difranco
    Naomi Watts
    Lara Logan (omg, mmm)
    Tori Amos
    Nicole Kidman??

    Don't ever underestimate your badassery

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  36. You think 30 is scary - try 50!

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  37. Shit are you me?

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  38. No one ever gave me fashion lessons how the fuck do i catch up?!
    Also, I'm only 20 and have a heart attack every-other day about how little time I have left to try and make the future happen the way I want it too. Whenever I get a little too hysterical I try to just remind myself that I've felt this way since age 10 or so...

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  39. omg you were in APPLETON? I grew up in that town and got my gay ass out of there. What the hell did you do in Appleton?

    LADIES what are we going to do with our PLUGS? Those ears won't shrink back... what are we going to do with our stretched-out gauges???

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  40. Ohmigod. You stressing about this stuff just makes me stress about it more. Sometimes I can't sleep. I fucking hate money and love sex. I'll wear my hair however I like and suspenders?! Yesplz. I'm investing in a waistcoat wardrobe as we speak. (Ok, I wish, but I'm broke). At 20 I had a 10-yr plan, at 30 I have a 10-day plan. I don't really mind. I still feel like I could up and move or pull at clubs, I also like to know I can just sit home in my underwear with a glass of wine (Shiraz, not Merlot tyvm) and blaring music and enjoy it more than a fucking bar where you couldn't even hear me swearing because all the cunts and wankers are too loud. Sometimes I say I feel old, but really, I just feel... me.

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  41. Ok, Y'all are Whipper Snappers.

    I will turn 50 this November ... and I too am starting to worry about getting old.

    I don't go clubbing any more, but I go over to friends houses and can actually have conversations which I can actually hear. And I always get to go home after and have great sex with my partner. No more hit and miss.

    My partner & I don't have sex 2-3 time a day like we used to ... but we don't argue about everything in life like we used to either.

    I actually own a Telly and watch it occasionally. But I still go surfing (I live in South FL now) and boogie boarding and parasailing and kite surfing and am by no means a couch potato.

    I used to work in computers, sitting @ a desk and wear skirts and tights for my whole early adulthood and now I'm a Letter Carrier and always out side in casual shorts & tops. Yes it does get Hot here in FL.

    I used to eat fast food and have a cholesterol of over 300 and high blood pressure now I'm chilled about everything and do my own healthy cooking.

    I still love new music including hip hop & indie stuff but I draw the line @ rap & EMO. IDK why but I just can't get into it.

    I still wear what ever clothes I like that are comfortable. Never have been in fashion.

    I'm a sporty dyke & my partner is Femme with overtly nerdy tendencies.

    All in all, After thinking about it ... I'm looking forward to getting older but I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO GROW UP!!!!!

    I am a bit of a nutter but there you have it!

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  42. I'm in my early 40s, have 2 kids, and a fulfilling job teaching college and grad students -- which, along with political activism, helps keep me young at heart. I wouldn't want to be 27 again, although I wish I'd had the self-awareness back then to come out. The fact that I'm still a flawed work in progress keeps me from getting in a rut. LOL!

    In the past 2 weeks, I have: gotten inked (again -- but this time in a visible place on my body ;-), gone to my therapy appointment, stayed out clubbing past 2 a.m. (twice!), taken my kids to my boxing class, to swimming, to the farmer's market, etc., gone to a party at a friend's house, invited new neighbors over to dinner, and so on. I enjoy an active social life; I'm bi-lingual (I learned a new language *after* age 30!) and I relate to many different kinds of people (I travel to interesting places for work); I go to the gym several times a week; I listen to R&B and hip hop and I *love* watching Spongebob with my kids.

    People compliment me on my sense of style, but quite frankly, I generally just wear what I want to: dykey form-fitting tank tops (I'm in good shape), jeans and knee-high boots.

    One of the nice things about getting older is that I'm just more comfortable with myself and my quirky (queer?) ways. I've seen too many of my middle-aged, middle class peers fall into complacency, but I think the best way to avoid this is to pursue your passions...with passion! The best way to remain interesting is to pursue your interests.

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  43. My grandmother is Bi. "But we don't call it that at my age." Her response when I came out was "well, what do you think I am?"

    She has a tattoo of a little devil on her hip (that she got when she was in her 60's), was a nudist and a swinger and drove a motorcycle.

    She's 76.

    Stop worrying :)

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  44. dude relax your only 27 start wearing hot pant suits start worrying when you turn 40. kay!

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  45. Hahaha! My housemate sent me to this particular issue of your blog last night when I came home in tears after lame-awkward-zero-chemistry-internet-date #6 last night.

    Me: "I'm almost 30, a grad student (aka broke as fuck), dress like a 22yr old hipster from Willimasburg and am gonna have to let some hair grown in soon"
    Her: It's not that bad
    Me: AND I'M SINGLE!!!! Old lesbians are just not cute, funky-arty-femmy-andro-academic turns into flannel butch or cold power femme, I don't wanna become either!!!
    Her: You won't, you'll still be cute, you'll still be funky, it's New York City, 30=22. And there's someone out there for you, you won't be single forever.

    You see where this is going. I'm almost 30, single and am wondering when I have to start dressing my age (oh, and what's wrong with me that I'm 30 and single).

    Anyhow, thank you, this at least brought a little humor to the fact that I also sleep in a loft bed because again, at 30, the only spaces I can afford are so small that I either have to sleep in a twin or a loft...

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  46. Women are like wine. We only get better with age. So don't sweat it.

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  47. " I would smoke pencil-thin cigarettes in a Paris that always rained." that's fricking poetry, you even know how beautiful that sounds? It's tattoo material, almost.

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  48. I'm seventeen and going to community college where everyone wants to know what I'm studying for. This is scary shit. Why do I have to know? Why am I being expected to grow up? Why can't I just be a kid forever? I want to teach scuba lessons to hot lesbians (whom I would obviously fuck on my sailboat afterward) in Australia! That's it. Forever. I say no one ever has to "grow up" unless they're crazy. You're never too old :)

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  49. I'm sitting here being really curious about what the app you talked about in the beginning is called.

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  50. lol fuck that, i'm turning 30 this year... wait and see what effing out is all about!!

    your blog's good stuff btw, career-indecision? you should be a writer.

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