Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Sixth Sense is Gaydar

Hi homos!

Today I'm in Rhode Island, and the waters are rising.  They've closed off the roads.  We're trapped.

But no matter.  The hotel wi-fi still works and I seem to have stumbled upon a basement vending machine that's been lost in time. 
Do they even make Crystal Pepsi anymore?

Anyway!

As we get older, we learn common sense.

Don't run with scissors.
Don't eat crunchy pears.
Don't say "Why can't we talk about bombs?" loudly at the airport.

You know.

There's a whole bunch of rules that everybody seems to know.
But I'd like to make an addendum to the list of Common Sense Don'ts:

If you happen to knock over your prize Echinocereus reichenbachii cactus while tying back your curtains in the morning, DON'T scream, "My baby!" and dive to catch it with your bare hands.

Really don't.

CJ: (from the kitchen) What was that?

Me:  Can you just get the tweezers?

As CJ lovingly tugged each cactus spine out of my poor pink palms, she began to snicker.

Me: It is not funny.

CJ: Would we call this...a caccident?
  
Me: Shut up. 

CJ: Get it?  A cactus/accident? A caccident?

Me: I am dying. Ow. Ow. You missed one.
 
CJ: A caccident! Ha!

Me: OW! Jesus!

CJ: You know, we're going to have to add the cactus to the list.

Ha very ha.  
In our house, because CJ thinks she's so effing hilarious, there is a posted list on the fridge entitled "List of Things Krista Is Not Allowed to Touch".

This list includes, but is not limited to:

1.  Knives
2The knife drawer
3.  CJ when she's using a knife
4.  Light fixtures
5.  The stove when dinner is happening
6.  Any electrical socket that "doesn't work"
7.  Any tool, of any kind, that has a plug/cord/whirly-part
8.  Any tool found in CJ's studio
9.  Especially any tool found in CJ's studio that's shaped like a knife

The list is way longer than that but I shan't go on. 

Common sense, people.
I'm finally learning:  me + sharp things = oddly disfigured fingers.

We should all use more common sense. 
In all areas of our lives. 
Especially in regards to gaydar.

Today's topic is simple:  Trust your gut.

If you're dying to ask a girl out, and you just. don't. know. if she's gay, trust your gut.  What was your first impression? 

Did you think she was queer?

I'm not saying your first impression is always going to be correct.  Good god, no. 
Appearances can be deceiving.  Don't judge a book by its cover and whatnot.

But women often give off a shit-ton of vibes about themselves just by the way they move, the way they carry themselves, and the way they look at you when they talk to you. 
Hooray for vibes!

Of course, there's no single way to tell if a woman is a lesbian. 
There's no single way to tell if a woman is straight, or bi, or anything else.  Women don't just walk around with signs, letting you know what they're into.

But what does your gut tell you?

If, upon shaking hands with a woman, you think, "Now there's a gay lady," you're going to be right, a lot of the time.

And you're going to be wrong, lots of times. 

I'm wrong about first impressions all the time.  But I carry on.
And then sometimes, 10 years later, I find out I was right.
If you want to have good lesbian gaydar, you need to practice!

Labelling is fun and it pisses people off.  Enjoy yourself.

Sit your ass down at the mall and watch people.  Bring a friend! 

Learn to listen to that hissing slutty whisper of intuition.

Our intuition is a wonderful tool!  It knows!

When we become intuitive beings, we know before anyone else when we have a gay celebrity in our midst. 
*Ahem*
I called this shit in 1999.

Your intuition is the driving force behind that little nagging suspicion that Oprah is a clam-licker.

Your gut knows without having it spelled out that Pink is one of us.

Your third eye zeroed in on Missy Elliot like a laser beam.

And your 6th sense knew that nobody could be that good at "pretending" to be gay.  Jack, we've known since the beginning.
 
Q:  But I don't have good intuition.  That's why I have shitty gaydar, you idiot.  What can I do?

A:  I'm so glad you asked!
I read this amazing book by Gavin de Becker called The Gift of Fear.  He explains intuition.

Everybody has intuition.  Everybody.  I mean, how did you get to work today? 
If you drove, then you were making hundreds of split-second decisions with life-or-death consequences.  Everyone around you was, too. 
If you've been driving safely for years, that means you can accurately read non-verbal signals other people are sending going 70 miles an hour across vast distances.

You're still alive, even after driving through Chicago during rush hour.  You knew that lady was going to cut you off.


You have intuition.

That feeling you get when you slow down, 'cause you know the guy in the minivan is going to run the red light? 
Intuition.


Walking around a crowded bar and finding the right girls to hit on?
You can handle that.  You're not even moving fast.

We all have intuition.  Use it for the greater good, sluts.
Use it to get laid.

18 comments:

  1. you slay me every time, love your sense of humour, love your random thoughts, images... love seeing a new post from you in my reader! i might just have to become a stalker

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  2. I only have one comment/question (and I promise I won't spark any horrible controversial debate today....at least not on your blog!!).
    What the fuck is wrong with crunchy pears?? I only eat crunchy pears. Please, someone, correct me on this error before I eat a pear that is too crunchy and explode or something!

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  3. You are such a secret social worker. I prefer to keep these type of secret skills to myself. For that dating advantage, you know?

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  4. Amen. I wanna join your church, convert to your religion. Yes. Or get laid. Whichever.

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  5. I'm pretty good at predicting if someone is going to cut me off but my gaydar sucks on women. I had to accept the fact that if I liked a woman it was because she was straight and married. If it wasn't for my girlfriend I would still be chasing after a married woman.
    She was the one that tuned me into your blog. You are out of your mind and it's awesome!

    Knives are fun.
    Pears should be soft, sweet and melt in your mouth like when I roll my tongue on my girlfriends...

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  6. this is such a subject of contention with lesbians: Lindsay Lohan. I called that shit while watching PARENT TRAP when I was like 15 years old. I got DRUNK and celebrated her 18th birthday because she was FINALLY LEGAL. I had been waiting since she was like, 10. AND she was banging that dude from that 70's show and I STILL KNEW.

    INTUITION. Dear Lesbians Everywhere, Lindsay Lohan is a LESBIAN. She is UBER FEMME but gay as I am. Sam is not "the only one"- Lindsay is 23 or something, give her time to get used to it.

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  7. I like a nice crunchy pear myself!

    I always end up crushing on straight women. But I have years to perfect the Gaydar. With the help of this blog I will master it!

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  8. You know what I hate? When my intuition SWEARS a girl is gay but my friends tell me I'm wrong because she was doing something really "straight" like walking down the street with a guy last week.

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  9. I love it when you talk mean to us, Krista. And don't worry-- you can trust us with your secret homo knowledge. After all, we're gay too. And gay people are really just plain better.

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  10. i've just stumbled across you. you're fucking awesome. no, really. i'm a kiwi. like anna paquin. we picked that shit years ago. come on, rouge ffs! the dykey-ist of all xmen.

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  11. Krista,
    Will you delight us Rhode Islanders with your whereabouts in our small, yet deliciously gay state? Did your girl gaydar have a frenzy of alerts and was your gut tested by all the hipsters? I hope you enjoyed your stay.

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  12. seriously, gay girls will up and just get laid? this is a dream come true

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  13. I have found that the best way to know if someone is gay is to ask "Are you straight?"

    It works every time. If they say "Yes" well then you know. If they say "Hell no" then you know.
    They seem less offended that way ... or maybe its because my GAYDAR sucks and I ask more straight girls.

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  14. A very entertaining post. The caccident is hilarious!

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  15. But I live in Portland! All the girls here look like lesbians! I shit you not, they ALL look like lesbians. Every. Last. One. Even the boys look like lesbians. The boys. Everyone wears skinny jeans and hoodies and plaid and Toms and beanies and non-prescription nerd glasses. It's paradise until you hit on someone you think is a hot boi and realize they're a hot boy. My lady-gaydar has been permanently screwed up from growing up here, because I just assume that is the norm.

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  16. The great vibes of this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-HKvYDTpoc&feature=related
    led me straighth to my celebrity crush https://www.facebook.com/pages/LaBebeBellota/99951195438
    :)

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  17. awesome post, thank you ! :D

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  18. very funny and entertaining. Thanks.

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