Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dykes Come Out #1

Mornin', queers!

I'm in glamorous Springfield, Missouri, where the party just. don't. stop.

The presenter I'm travelling with this week is a Speech-Language Pathologist

She's also an extreme Republican who likes to polish apples on her belly in the car.
I can't stand her.

However, she is teaching a seminar entitled: 

Practical Therapy Techniques for Persistent Articulation Errors:  Frontal Lisp, Lateral Lisp, and Distorted "R".

Basically, she trains other SLPs on how to work with the lisping young fags. 
Paging David Sedaris.

Remember when I asked for your Coming Out stories?

Well, I got lots and lots of letters.  Y'all is prolific.

This is fantastic.  
Now, any time I feel like a lazy asshole, somebody else can do the talking!

So, it's time for the first installment of Dykes Come Out.

This story comes from Yasmina, an intrepid reader who's ready to talk to y'all about Being Outed
 (It's edited, with permission, for space/grammar/pictures/and whatever else I felt like doing to it.)

Thanks for Coming Out, Yasmina!


Yasmina says.....

I always knew I was gay.  Since I was 5, I'd play house with my girlfriends and make them be the "mommy."

I'd be the dad and do DAD THINGS to Mommy.

But I never wanted my parents to know, so I just never told ANYONE and acted as straight as possible...

When I was 16, we moved to a new neighborhood and I had to make new friends.  Instead of it sucking, I found lots of friends.
It was great.  

After a few months, all my awesome friends decided it was cool to be bisexual.  So I came out to them and told them I was gay.  I even dated one of them, and OMG I loved her so much.  I loved everything about her, but she was NOT gay (nor was she even bi.) 

She just thought it was cool for guys to think she was into chicks.  All the guys thought it was soo hot.
I didn't even care - I just loved the shit outta her.

My parents never thought for a second I was gay.  They just thought my girlfriend and I were the best of friends. 

Later on, I finally realized this girl was straight and left her for an awesome butch dyke.

My parents still never suspected...until one day, in a store, my butch dyke girlfriend said,  "Let's go look at that cake magazine and pick out our dream wedding cake," while my mom was standing there. 
Awwwww shheeeeeiiitttttt.
So that's how I came out to my parents.
They said they were ok with it.  But I was never allowed alone in the house with a girl after that for the next 2 years.  
And sleep-overs from then on?
Nu-uh, not a chance.
Let's give Yasmina a hand!
That had to have been an awkward ride home from the store.
Until next time, my pretties!
Keep those Coming Out stories coming! 


  1. that picture of culkin looks like kristen stewart

  2. Go Yasmina! Great editing, too. Haha

  3. What the fuck have you done!!
    Made me laugh till tears came to my eyes!!

  4. Hahahaha, wow. Well at least she was there with her girl. If she was alone, who knows what her parents might have done? Lol, if I was alone for my coming out, my father would have strangled me; thanks to my friend being there, I am still alive haha.

    I love your writing and satire! Please update soon!

  5. only two good things came out of springfield-cashew chicken and brad pitt.

  6. Wow, I just laughed crazy hard at the what the fuck have you done picture.

    So, I am a straight girl, who (I guess) you could qualify as bi-curious? Whatever. Anyway. I was hit on by this totally hot girl the other day, and was like, wow, I must look like I'm into girls today. What the fuck.

    Then I realized I was wearing motorcycle boots.

    Thought I would share. You are awesome, by the way.

  7. I shall have to email my coming out story sometime. It's sad, though, so maybe not.

  8. Oh god, how awful is it that my brain can focus only on Springfield and not the coming out story?
    You know why?
    SPRINGFIELD SUCKS YOUR SOUL. (I have two words for you: Bible. Belt.)
    Ok, not exactly. But I go to school there and I can tell you that probably half of the buildings in that picture are vacant, and the rest are pretty boring.
    Except for the art galleries. I heart those.

  9. super.boone is saying the exact same thats in my mind hole.
    The Bible Belt is a such a horrible place to be gay at (and all those buildings are pretty boring or vacant except for South Avenue Pizza which is so the best place ever).