OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD
Five fucking minutes ago, I WAS IN LINE WITH THE U.S. OLYMPIC WOMEN'S HOCKEY TEAM at the Boston Airport.
HOLY, HOLY SHIT.
Here's what happened:
I was bored, shifting my weight from foot to foot in the "Expert Traveller" line for the x-ray.
Waiting for all the assholes who think they're 'experts' at being ready for security because they go to Vegas twice a year.
Idly running my eyes over a delicious girl's ass.
This girl was kinda dykey. She was standing in front of me, wearing jeans, and I gotta tell you - even through jeans, you could tell her legs were muscled like a stallion.
I was having filthy thoughts about pulling her shiny brown ponytail and shouting 'giddyup!', when I noticed she had a 'Team USA 2010' puffy parka on.
THEN I NOTICED SHE HAD FRIENDS.
And they also had 'Team USA' jackets. And asses you could bounce quarters off.
There were four of them.
They were laughing, they were shoving each other; they all had ponytails, lip gloss, and colored elastic headbands (the definitive markers of young Sporty Dykes.)
And they all had 'Team USA' duffel bags.
It couldn't be.
It. could. not. be.
I was right behind them!! A women's team from the Olympics! I could have touched them!
Thoughts were racing through my head.
I should say something. I should ask them what sport they play. I should drop something in front of the whole team and see if they wrestle each other to get it. I should should talk to them. I should say something. I should ask for a picture. I should yell, "USA! USA!" and then ask them all, collectively, out on a date to the nearest airport bar. Holyshitholyshitholyshit.
It is in these key moments in my life that I choke up.
In awe, I quietly went through security and started to collect my stuff. I would never know.
AND THEN!!! The TSA Security Butch saved me! She did!
She was patting one of them down, right in front of me, and she said casually, "Hey, so what, were you in the Olympics or something?"
The girls broke into hoots and hollers and one yelled, "HOCKEY, BABY!" and pulled out....
THE SILVER FUCKING MEDAL.
No lie! I saw it and it was huuuge.
Then my eyes rolled back in my head and I fainted from delight and then I came to and sent about 3,000 text messages about this amazingness.
And then I tried telling the lady next to me on the plane, but she sucked at being happy for me.
She obviously hates America.
You guys, I saw the Olympic Women's hockey team.
Aren't you so excited???