Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Savage Rage - Live, Onstage!


Goddamn, it's good to be back in Seattle.

I'm on a week's break from work, and I flew here for four days. 

Seattle! 
Lesbians at the baggage claim!  Lesbians in the park and lesbians sulking around the U district! 
Lesbians pushing babies in high-tech strollers while wearing uglyass REI fleeces and Earth shoes!  (Ew!)

Coffeeshop dykes and dykes browsing for Valentine's Day vibrators at Babeland; shifty-eyed girls at The Wild Rose and extra-pale, undernourished women at the co-op!

Piercings and pink hair and tattoos and vegan restaurants and bikers and farmer's markets and stupidly-heavy metal water bottles attached to carabiners attached to hideous hiking backpacks!  I fucking love Seattle!!!
It seems that I have been missing lesbians.


Which is why last night was so great.  In honor of Valentine's Day, Dan Savage (of Savage Love-column-fame; google it if you don't know what I'm talking about) hosted Seattle's annual Valentine's Day Bash. 
It was a party for bitter, single people.  I really like bitter single people.  They're mean and sarcastic, and that makes me feel comfortable.
I also like to whore around a bit, so I figured the bitter people at the party would be looking to fill the hole in their hearts with sex. 
Sex with me.


I am like a martyr that way.
Here's why the Bash was so great: 
Everyone who came was supposed to bring a momento of a failed relationship - an object you were still holding onto, despite the relationship going sour and ending badly. 
Like the clay sculpture your ex-girlfriend made for you on your 6-month anniversary.
You get onstage and Dan Savage introduces you and asks for your ex's name.  Everybody boos for your ex.


Then Dan asks you about your object, asks how the relationship ended, and then destroys your object onstage in a fit of rage. 


Example!


Dan Savage:  Here's Nina, everyone.  Hi Nina! 


Nina:  Hi.


Dan Savage:  So, what was his name?


Nina:  Ryan.  Ryan White.  He's a tattoo artist in Seattle.  Actually, his shop is right around the corner from here.


Audience:  BOOOO!!!!


Dan Savage:  Fuck Ryan White! Don't anybody date Ryan White, that tattooing, cocksucking liar.  Ok, Nina, and what have you got for us to destroy tonight?


Nina:  This is his favorite t-shirt.  We got it together when we went on a two-week roadtrip across America.  He really loved this shirt. 


Dan Savage:  Ooh, and does it still smell like him?


Nina:  Yeah.  I haven't washed it.
 
Dan Savage:  It does smell good! But why are you bitter?  Why can't you move on?  How did it end with Ryan, Nina?



Nina:  I found him in bed with, um, two of my friends.  We had been living together for three years.


Dan Savage:  Two of your friends?  TWO of your friends?What kind of a guy is so fucking amazing that he thinks he can fuck two of your friends in your bed??  FUCK RYAN WHITE!  WHAT SHOULD WE DO TO THIS POISONOUS, GOOD-SMELLING T-SHIRT that belonged to a lying-mouth, cheating-ass TATTOO ARTIST who couldn't keep his cock in his pants???


Nina:  Obliterate it, Dan.


Dan Savage:  I believe we should take a piss on Ryan's favorite t-shirt.  WHO WANTS TO TAKE A PISS ON RYAN WHITE'S FAVORITE T-SHIRT?  Who's got a full bladder?  Here you go, sir, take it to the men's room with you. 
Give Nina a hand, she's suffered so.
WHO'S NEXT???  We have a chainsaw this year!!!
I enjoyed myself immensely.  Dan Savage had: 


1) a chainsaw (which tore through a signed first-edition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)


2) a sledgehammer (for an ugly fondue set and engraved wedding wine goblets)


3) a blowtorch (for melting the housekeys of a guy who dumped his girlfriend a few hours after her mother died)


4) a tar-and-feather bucket (for the humiliation of an ex-boyfriend's boxer-briefs)


5) an industrial shredder (for romantical journals, love letters, and a temporary restraining order)


6) dry ice (for freezing and then shattering innocent jade houseplants)
                        and


7) a live archer, complete with a crossbow (for shooting arrows through original works of art and teddybears.) 
He made a lesbian shred a list of promises in a blender with oranges and bananas and drink it as a smoothie, to more fully ingest the idea that she would never keep a girlfriend until she kept those promises.  The list included bullet points like "I will stop cheating and then lying about it" and "I will talk about my problems instead of holding them in." 
You guys, she drank a paper smoothie.
He melted a sad gay boy's sterling silver Tiffany bracelet until it dripped onto the stage.
Somebody wiped their ass with a sweet love letter from a guy who lied about why he used to be in prison.  It turned out he was a rapist.
The club was crawling with queers.  I was wearing something obscenely tight and trying to catch the eye of the tallest lesbian in the room. 
Nothing doing. 
She got onstage later and proceeded to shred 44 naked pictures of her very recent ex-girlfriend.  I lost interest immediately.
Now who shreds naked pictures?  That's just crazy.
Anyway, my question to you all is:  What would you destroy? 


What object from a past relationship should, by all rights, be in pieces in a dumpster? 
 Tell me tell me.

24 comments:

  1. Would destroy? Hun, already did destroy. I threw away shirts (seriously, like 10..some of which I really enjoyed wearing around the house but thatisneitherherenorthere), slippers he gave me (they were crazy cute), a super expensive painting, and even heating and tingly lube we once used together (it brought him more pleasure than me). What spurred it? Not the break-up itself, but months later when we hadn't seen each other all that time and I was still in love and he made a move on me-no, no, not the "oh, I've missed you so" kinda move but rather, the "let's fuck on your couch" kinda move. I immediately kicked him out and then rampaged my house and tossed all his momento crap out. It felt....in a word....amazing.

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  2. My heart just broke for that poor signed copy of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I probably would have jumped on stage and saved it, the bibliophile that I am.

    I'm not sure I still have it, but I used to have two poems that my lying bitch of an ex sent me...they used to hang on my nighttable by my bed. If I didn't get rid of them, that's the only thing I have of an ex. But if I can dig them up, I may piss on them.

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  3. A paper smoothie? Pissing on a shirt? All sorts of awesome that is!

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  4. that event sounds amazing.

    my most recent ex (together 3.5 years, broke up in july 09) once handwrote and taped something she loved about me to a hershey's kiss and left them for me when she went away for a weekend. there were 100 of them. i saved all the little notes-- still have them in a ziploc baggy. i come across them in a box in my closet every once in awhile and they reduce me to blubbering-- i should burn them.

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  5. fuck all that. i need to get to seattle. i didn't know there were lesbos up there like that! looking at tickets and attractions now - i need something to do with this fat tax deduction from my queer spawn.

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  6. I would've rushed the stage too, to save that poor book. Dan Savage appears, by your account at least, to be a psychopathic asshole, and i would probably (no, definitely) run away screaming if i ever saw him in person. Lunatic!

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  7. Don't get me wrong, i'm all for payback, but for the love of god! There's no way in hell that man can possibly be mentally stable.

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  8. Your blog has been nominated for a Lezzy Award. Please visit http://thelesbianlifestyle.com/the-lezzies/ for more information.

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  9. You know what's funny? When Dan started up the chainsaw for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, about 5o people in the audience screamed, "NO!!! I'll take it!!!"...but those were the rules. No objects with bad juju were allowed to be left standing.

    You should have seen the guy's face who owned it. It was like relieved sunshine finally broke all over him.

    He said he knew the book was worth a lot, and that's why he couldn't get rid of it himself. He also couldn't let anybody else take or buy such an emotionally-loaded thing. That's why it had been sitting on his shelf for years, taunting him. The happiness on his face when the chainsaw got it! Priceless.

    And Dan Savage is the greatest.

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  10. Dan Savage is a god among men.

    Worst things left over from an ex: two screen printed shirts with the word "loved" (backwards. so i'd see it when i looked in the mirror. awwwww) printed across the chest. a CD of songs written for yours truly. naughty pictures. auugggh.

    i still have all of them.

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  11. hm. two of them. i already threw away the shitty artwork from my first ex, thank lord (i kept it out of the fact that i was one of the only people that could lie to her face and say she was any good.) the other's a bunch of love letters and graduation photos because, shit, my first ex treated me like crap (on-off relationship, liked exploiting my being gay to random strangers to make me come across as a creep. delightful little bitch.) the other kept giving me sob stories and i was interested in her, but she didn't exactly have the most stable home life and i was just a little freshman.

    ...thank god i have aromatherapy candles. i have a bonfire to make ♥

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  12. That sounds like such a bad ass night!!!

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  13. dude, 'ryan white'?
    for serious?

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  14. Yeah, I burned everything she ever gave me ... in the sink ... with matches ... one at a time ... it was AWESOME! Also deleted all the photographs, e-mails, everything. I never felt better in my life! So I totally get this whole concept :)

    (PS I recently got introduced to this blog and you're funny as hell!!!)

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  15. Congrats on your nomination! What category????? So I can nominate like crazy for ya!

    I have a couple ceramic figurines.... hmm...

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  16. As cute as it kind of is, the Siamese Cat plush wearing a "I :heart: NY" shirt should go. Douchebag used me as the other woman, and then when we got together, found another girl that his therapist (warning signs they should have been) didn't think was god-awful for him. :D

    Fuckin love those haters.

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  17. Funny enough, the last thing I threw away was a huge teddy bear holding a heart just like in the above picture... And then I threw my nasty juicy kitchen garbage on top of it for good measure [ie. so I wouldn't have second thoughts and try to retrieve it later]

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  18. Oh my f***ing god, the top pic is the sexiest ever! track bike AND great tattoos! AND naked!!!!

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  19. I wouldn't want to destroy anything I still have because they (the bitch exes)helped me become the me I am today and I love me!

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  20. necklace, which she made for me...

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  21. I have a cookie tin filled with old notes she wrote me, things she gave me, pics of her...also one night before we had sex and she was still with her ex(but living with me, she was working on re-painting a bass guitar(the kind that has four points like arms and legs) and while she was sanding it we had been talking for hours about stuff...sex...and then she started to sand the guitar in it's naughty places...seductively staring at me...then she left the room. It was so hawt and awkward at the same time. That piece of sandpaper is in my cookie tin. :P I also have a secret myspace photo album that know one can see but me that has over 200 pics of her. And every time she updates a pic of herself on facebook I put it in my secret myspace album. I highly doubt all this obsessive behavior is helping me to get over her. Ugh.

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  22. I actually screamed 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO' when I read about the signed first Edition of the Hitchiker's Guide. I fucking love that book so much.

    I've only had one boyfriend and we were only together and month and we ended on good-ish terms so I don't have anything to destroy. He gave me an engraved zippo but I love that so no way in hell am I ever destroying it.

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  23. I HAVE destroyed, and my god did I ever!
    We had these two little teddy's, I burnt them. I also burned this little plastic farm animal llama. I stabbed a pen (like a thousand times) in the painting she created. Oh and also everything she made me I broke then threw out.

    May seem crazy but that was during my 'angry stage' after the break up. But I did however keep letters, packed away. I still like to have memories that I visit when I feel like reminiscing.

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