Sunday, February 21, 2010

Last Homo Standing

Good morning, homosexuals!

It is a good morning, indeed. 
I'm 27 today, and I'm in one of my favorite cafes in the whole wide world - Dolores Park Cafe, in San Francisco.

This is the best coffeeshop ever because you're not allowed to work here, apparently, if you're not a fucking hot boi with dark hair.
So far I've counted three just working the front counter.

Momma's makin' it raaaaain at the tip jar.

This coffeeshop is surrounded by windows and overlooks Dolores Park, which is a very gay park in San Francisco.

It's filled with fags walking tiny dogs and lesbians under blankets, trying to fuck in the open air without anybody noticing.
(P.S. all you "great-outdoors"-fuckers: everyone knows what's going on.  If your right hand isn't visible, there's only a very few possibilities for where it could be.)

Dykes walk past the big picture windows here all day long, looking cool and slightly high and more than a little dirty. 

I love San Francisco lesbians.  With my crotch. 
And this is the best place in the city to watch them.

I am never happier than when typing away in this coffeeshop, completely juiced on a horrifying combination of:

1) a gigantic soy latte with a tiny (goddammitIsaidtiny) squirt of vanilla

2) Diet Coke


3) some kind of bubbly-water-thing.

I like a lot of beverages.

Right now I'm wearing glasses and my best Seriously-Working-Hard-On-My-Incredibly-Important-Work face, but really I'm watching all the queers out of the corner of my eye.
Peripherals.  You gotta use your peripherals.

I'm in San Francisco because San Francisco fucking rules.  It's my favorite city in the USA.  And I can always come here for a cheap vacation, because of The Curse of Krista. 
What's The Curse of Krista, you ask?

Ha!  As if you didn't know, you filthy slut. 
The Curse of Krista is simply this:

(read this in Mufasa-from-The-Lion-King's-voice)

*If you and I sleep together more than 3 times consecutively, you WILL move to San Francisco within the year.*

My curse be upon you!

It never fucking fails. 

I just got an email this week from an ex-fuck-buddy of mine, inviting me to yet another "Goodbye Minneapolis, Hello San Francisco!!" party.
Another one. 

They're dropping like flies.

It is The Curse of Krista. 
I'm going to be the last lesbian left in the Midwest.

But I don't understand something: 
No matter how much I fuck myself, I do not seem to be affected by my own curse.   
The spider does not stick to her own web.

ANYWAY!  it's cheap for me to come here because I can stay with smug women who all have better jobs and cooler apartments than me, now. 
And - weird! - they seem to be doing better without me. 
I know, right?

I wanna move here. 
I wanna be a dyke in San Francisco.
I wanna sit here and stalk the Dolores Cafe baristas forever. 

My friend Ana Luisa always says that  your location doesn't matter - what makes you happy is you, not where you live.

Shut up, Ana.
She's got to be wrong.
I would be so happy here.
The gayness would make me happy.

It's a proven fact that serotonin levels increase according to the amount of dykes surrounding your immediate area.
For serious.


  1. Oh happy birfday, my liddle Krissy Rae!

  2. Happy Birthday, Ms Dyke. Well, it already is happy - but just writing Birthday seems moot.

    Take care, and thank you for all that you write.


  3. You made me smile and laugh today, thank you I needed that. Happy Birthday to you.

  4. I can safely testify that San Francisco is where it's at. Though I'll let you in on a little secret... *Precita Park in Bernal Heights is the new Dolores Park for lezzies* ... cuz of all the straight hipsters and gay boys that are now taking over Dolores. (I <3 you gay boys!)

  5. Happy Birthday!

    Thanks for the great humor you bring to my day!

  6. Yo, happy birthday.

    Im not normally a 'comments'person but I have a little story that made me think of you.

    Last night I went to a concert (Placebo, they were awesome), all the guys were getting a pat down on the way in, none of the girls recived the same treatment. I stood in line and refused to go in until I got my bloody pat down by the biggest lesbian of a security guard ever! Happy days :)

  7. Hey! You said that your curse doesn't affect you--but then, why do YOU want to move to San Fran? Hmmmm?

  8. Happy Birthday! May your curse come upon you, and may all the Beautiful Bois in SF scream for joy when you move there for good. Haha Happy happy birthday and may you be as happy as your blog makes your readers.

  9. ah ha....

    You need to up the ante and move to Sydney Australia!

  10. that is NOT mufasa, that is the cave of wonders. damn, girl.

  11. Ya, Ana's wrong. So so wrong. I've lived in shit places and now I live in a great place, and you know what? Living in a great place = so much happier.
    Also I live in a city that's even gayer, -yes I dare claim this- GAYER than SF: Berlin, Germany. Check it out. So gay. So good.
    Cheers you homo.