Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dyke Style Update!

Ciao, fags.

It happened like this...

I was waiting in line for breakfast at the Embassy Suites in Pasadena. 
There was a tall, blond businessman ahead of me. 
He ordered an
"Egg Beaters omelette, no cheese, no butter, all veggie.  No meat.  Oh, and no hash browns, either."

As he received his food, I stepped up, held out my tray, and said,

"I don't need an omelette - I just want a giant plate of meat and hash browns, please."

A whole plate with mini-sausages, bacon, and little potatoes! All for me!  I love love love being a grownup. 

Then I blended maple syrup, ketchup, and black pepper into a delicious sauce and drizzled it over the whole mess.

 The blond businessman watched me in envy.

As I reached for the orange juice and coffee, he said, 

"Man, that looks good.  That's what I really want for breakfast.  But my wife would kill me if I ordered that."

I laughed, and without thinking, said,

"Dude, my wife would kill me if she saw this.  But she ain't here, is she?"

Kinda felt like one of the boys, you know?
 The businessman stared at me. 

Silence.

THEN!!!
He looked me up and down, nodded to himself, and muttered,

"Makes sense."

Then he took his tray and left.

YES!!!!!

Recognized as a gay! 
It's a red-letter day. 

When you're a femme and blend in with the straight girls, you have to work really hard to be oppressed. 

I never get recognized as gay unless I'm with my favorite lil' piece, CJ!  Or other gay-lookin' friends. 
Perhaps this is the true reason behind my obsession with lesbians.  If an important part of my identity is being gay, and I only feel like that identity is publicly acknowledged when I'm around other dykes, could it be that my unending search for queers is...only a search for myself??  Ho-lee sheee-it. 
So what gave me away today?  What "made sense" for the businessman?  Why'd it click in his head?

Naturally, I started to analyze my outfit.

  • Nothing dykey about my blue dress. 
  • Nothing homo about my black leggings. 
  • Big hoop earrings - could go either way. 
  • Lip ring taken out for work, so no giveaways there.  
  • Hair a fucking mess, lip gloss, mascara - what?
Why should Mr. Businessman have said it made sense? 

Then it hit me - maybe it was the boots.

I was wearing some seriously dykey boots. 
Wanna see?
Here they are!
Got 'em yesterday at Macy's.  It was a helluva sale - $42 marked down from $139! 
Another greedy whore lady had her paws all over these boots when it was clear they were too small for her. 
I "helped" her find a more appropriate style and snatched the boots away from her.  Annnndthosearemine,bitch.

Q:  What's so dykey about those?

A:   What!  Only everything.  Boots like these are so gay, they were probably handcrafted in a woman-owned cobbler's shop (that pays a living wage) in Provincetown, using humanely-treated, pasture-raised, grass-fed, vegetable-dyed cow leather. 

Q:  No. Seriously.  What's so gay about them?  They're just motorcycle boots.  Anyone can wear motorcycle boots.

A:  Yes, but there's only a few types of women that wear motorcycle boots.  These women are:

1) Lesbians
2) Harley-Davidson freaks
3) Feminists in college (so lesbians)
4) Germans (and therefore lesbians)

This means that if you are wearing motorcycle boots and not currently on the back of a hog/at Sturgis, you.are.a lesbian.
Get it?  Motorcycle boots are for muffdivers.

In closing, if you remain unconvinced, just ask yourself:

What do these pictures have in common?
























Ahahaha I told you so.

24 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHA...i love the last part. your blog cracks me up. I think we could be best friends.

    Sarahcazz.com

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  2. the strap on resemblance is the VERY first thing i thought when i first saw boots like these at nordstrom when boot shopping this year.

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  3. Oh my god... I HAVE TO HAVE THOSE BOOTS.

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  4. I think the picture on the right got cut off, 'cuz i only see a hip and part of a thigh. Can everyone else see the whole picture?

    No wonder i was confused.
    When i first saw the ending i was like uhhhh...they both go on people?? (I thought it was just supposed to be underwear)

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  5. Makes me smile and laugh every time.

    I love the boots. I must be in the Harley-Davidson freak category, because none of the others fit.

    The woman licking the raw steak - ew.

    Love the way you write.

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  6. You are fucking brilliant! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

    And did you notice the toothbrush bracelet in the picture of the girl in plaid? I used to make those in high school. :)

    kat

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  7. those boots are cute. i want a pair.

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  8. Ok that's it. I have to find myself a pair of biker boots. Maybe I'll have my own red letter day! Whoot whoot!

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  9. Congrats then! A huge plate of meat, new boots, and being recognized as a dyke! Slam dunk day, all before 8:00 a.m.!!!! Woot! Note to self: buy boots. Second note to self: you're too old to eat that much meat, so wear the boots all the time.

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  10. Uh...yeah...I have those boots in black (who knew, they make dyke boots in children's sizes for my itty bitty feet????)
    As a fellow looks-like-a-femme, I totally get this post! However, I'm a butch at heart. Really, I am.
    But those can be butch boots too. Right?? Hehe, no really, this was quite amusing, as always!

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  11. I love your blog! :) I think you should make it into a book or a movie... just don't be another Jenny!!! lol. I've sent your blog to all of my friends and they absolutely love it. Thanks for writing!!!!

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  12. Wow your posts make me laugh every time I read a
    new one! :)

    awesome ending...laughed so hard there were tears!
    Thanx for being rock and roll! :)

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  13. My girlfriend is a motorcycle boots-wearing German feminist in college.

    Since I'm a guy, that now has me worried :(

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  14. Needed that insane laughter I just experienced!

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  15. So funny! I absolutely fell in love with those boots last fall when I first saw them and hadn't really come out to myself yet. Teee hee. I didn't have the money for them, but if I had maybe the process would have gone quicker. :-)

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  16. i have those.

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  17. Currently laughing my ass off at the last bit. I'm scared I might drop my netbook.

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  18. My crush, who recently broke up with a girl and claims shes not gay, told me yesterday she wanted motorcycle boots for xmas. You should know I spit my coffee out as soon as I read this, then wiped off my screen and emailed the post to her. Thanks

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  19. Oh goodness me, I laughed especially hard at those last two photos. You definitely nailed that one. Still laughing.

    Love your site by the way. Been reading your new stuff for a few months, now I'm digging in the archives for more awesome stuff.

    I definitely get your femme identity crisis stuff. I have that too.

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  20. Curious as to why the Germans=lesbians?

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  21. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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