Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Why Bike When You Can Trike?

You know when you've got a brand-new naked trick in your bed and she's all lying on her back with her arms behind her head going, "aahhh, that was great" ?

And you get that old urge to bite her armpit?

Y'know, 'cause she's not expecting it and you want to teach her a lesson and assert your dominance?

Don't do it.

She may be wearing Secret Powderfresh Ultraclear Solid deodorant.
And then you'll have to deal with a mouthful of super-moisture-wicking dust, all drying out your tongue. 

I got a call the other night from the Straightest Girl in the World.
It was a drunk-dial.


Um, Kelly Has A Question.

Q: Ok, Krissie, so I've been thinking about this a lot, and what would you say (I mean besides making fun of me) if I told you I wanted to maybe have a threesome with another girl and my boyfriend?  Would a lesbian have a threesome with me?  I mean, where would I even start?

A:  Aw, Kelly, Godloveya.  I can always count on you to forget that Seattle is three hours behind New York time.
But you've asked an excellent question.  One that I've been asked before.  Men, women, and one rather advanced 14-year-old have sent me e-mails asking "How Can I Have a Threesome?" in varying degrees of desperation. 
So you're not alone.

But who has threesomes?  And why are they so popular all of a sudden? 
Is it because society is sexed to the max?  Is a threesome the new sexual frontier to cross?  Could we blame this on Britney Spears, somehow?
Unless you're in the cast of Gossip Girls, or are extra fun at parties, you're probably among the millions of Americans who think a threesome would be hot, but have never had one.

But maybe you're taking that next step.  Maybe you're trying to set one up. 
I'd like to begin with three real-life ads for threesomes.  These were all pulled in less than two minutes from the Chicago Craigslist "Casual Encounters" section (aka Krista's Home Page.)

Exhibit A:

More for Her Than for Me:
This is a surprise for my wife for this weekend. She is not necessarily bi, but has expressed interest in women of late, even though its in the context of a three way. I think she will be super excited if a woman were to flirt with us at a nice bar/ restaurant and came home with us for a li'll dip in the hot tub and take us from there. I think she loves pussy juice...I always feed my wet fingers to her after dipping in her and she goes wild. Want to help?
She is exotic, HWP, very well educated and a professional. She would prefer the same or someone small to medium built. Nice big nipples are a big plus!

Oh my God, I was with you, sir, right until the end. I was going to flirt with your pussy-juice-loving wife in a nice restaurant and take it to the hot tub, even though you're not at all sure she would be into it. But shit! My nipples are just tiny.

Exhibit B:

Looking to experience being with a woman tonight w4w - 30
Seeking a hispanic, caucasian, or asian girl. Please be clean, fit, must be 21-29 yr old.
I'm bi and seeking her to be bi.I very submissive,but not crazy. I am a mom of two kids but have a nice and tight body, pretty, would like ongoing arrangement. I am dd / drug free. Should be in my apt. I am currently with my boyfriend, so you must be comfortable when he is around. If you'd like, he can join us!

This posting is only for tonight. So PLEASE BE REAL.. willing to voice verify.

Yes.  I would feel totally comfortable with your boyfriend lurking around.  Totally!  In fact, I'm glad you said he could join us, because I really wanted him to, and I was too shy to ask.  So...it would just be us girls then, right?  Until the real fun (his cock) started?

Exhibit C:

lookin for bi girl play with me n my boytoy - w4w -im hot,
i wanna lick you while he takes me from behind
we want to get together right

lets all meet at my place and have some naughty fun
dd free, always safe,
completely serious.

Awesome.  Count me in.


Ha.  The internet is chockablock with thousands of ads like these. 

And...maybe people are answering them. 
Maybe hundreds of hot, fit, kinky bisexual women are writing back, going, "YES!  I am dying to let you 'lick me' while your man takes you from behind!"
Or...maybe not.
'Cause really - read those ads and then ask, after each one, "What's in it for me?" 
I think you'll find the answer is, "Not much."

The usual people advertising for threesomes are not thinking about you.  They are thinking about themselves; gettin' down n' dirty with a hot, nasty, faceless-female-somebody.  Anybody. 

So ads are weird.  But you could try.

Oh and hey Kells? I'm not an expert on this.

I've never had a threesome with another girl and a guy.

Because I'm a lesbian, Kelly. A lesbian. 
I know I don't speak for all the queers, but I, as a dyke, would not be interested in having sex with another woman if a man also happened to be involved.
Because what don't I like in bed, Kells? As a lesbian? Wait for it....
Oh. Men.
Doesn't matter if the girl involved is the hottest thing on the planet. I just.wouldn't.hit it if there was a guy involved.

I think it's pretty common to feel how I feel.

Straight people who wanna have threesomes never, ever understand this. 

They go, "Wait, what's the problem? I'm a hot guy. My wife is the bomb. We're hot! Why wouldn't you want to have sex with us?"
Oh, I dunno. How about:

1) I am not a new and friendly sex toy for you two to bond over.

2) Penises gross me the fuck out.  Adding a girl next to the penis doesn't make me not notice the penis in the room.

3) At least one of you is ugly.

4) The woman in the couple has never touched another woman's body before.  Why would I, as a dyke (or even a bisexual), go for that?  That just sounds like bad sex.

Again, what's in it for me?

All of that being said, Kelly, go for it.  Have a threesome.  Be safe and have fun! Find a hot slutty bi girl and go nuts. 
Good luck with that.


  1. As a bi, this is the kind of sh*t that gets me. Straight folks just assume that ALL bis are down for a threesome! I may be bi, but I have my dignity, damn it! LOL. :) If Kells is truly able to find a HOT, CLEAN, fun-seeking bi, then she gets MAJOR kudos from me! ;)

  2. Amen sister! The guy is definitely what kills it, being a big ole dyke an' all.

  3. As a small young dyke and all, I'll admit a threesome's something that terrifies me and haunts my dreams.

    However! A threesome with two other girls is another picture.
    I'd be on that like Michael Cera on an "Awkward lanky teenager" role.
    (Which is pretty fucking down, you whores.)

    Also: I'd want BOTH the ladies rocking my world to be easily mistaken as men. I'm talking butch as fuck.

    Thanks Krista, I have a final tomorrow, and now I'm not gonna sleep.
    Mental pictures are fun.

  4. As usual, can't come up with any coherent response due to shrieking with laughter. OMG. Also, I think this post should be required reading for anyone wishing to post an ad on a dating site anywhere. ROFL

  5. I'm with Making Space on this one.
    I've just joined a LESBIAN dating site (did you notice the word LESBIAN there?) and have had hits in one day from: a happily married straight woman - married to a man that is, a guy (yes, a MAN) and some crazy bi girl asking questions about my various body parts. Maybe I should pass her on to Kelly.

  6. Ever answered a personal ad for "women seeking women", gotten a response, set up a date, showed up...and there were TWO people there? A husband and a wife???
    'Cause I have.
    Fuck you, Seattle swingers.

  7. Oh dear God.

    I'm skeeeeerd.

    But I might be more desperate. We'll see.

  8. I dontevenknowwhattosay. But, per usual, I must post a comment to signify that I have read this madness. And madness it is!

    Perhaps I should put my pipedream to rest?

  9. Kelly, no! Don't put your dream to rest. I just want you to know how difficle it's going to be. The perfection that is Your Breasts should be shared with others, not hidden away forever. Don't be selfish. You simply must work harder on this.
    It is a heavy cross you must bear, Your Hotness.

  10. Um, THANK YOU. My GF thought I was crazy when I licked her armpit in the shower the other night.

    FYI, Lady SpeedStick tastes equally bad.

    (Sorry if this repeat posted, my Blogger sucks.)

  11. i'm bi; a year or so ago my then-boyfriend and i had a threesome with a mutual friend who is totally hot but not exactly experienced. it was really great except her vagina smelled bad.

    aaand i just turned 18 last month.
    i'm pretty much awesome.

  12. Anon....if it "smelled bad" there were a few possible scenarios present:

    a) you are actually not into chicks
    b) she might have had a yeast infection (gross)
    c) perhaps she didn't shower before sex, as ALL people, male and female should do when they have been running around sweating all day!

  13. I'm a young bi lady, and I've had a couple of threesomes...
    My first threesome was with my first love...and the guy she is now loving and living with. I had to leave halfway through to hide and cry in the bathroom.
    My second threesome was comparatively wonderful, but really I just wanted the girl all to myself (turned out she felt the same, and we've since had far more fun one-on-one).
    My evaluation...can cause DRAMA. Can be fun. Over-rated.

  14. Kelly, I think your best bet is to find another straight couple looking for a threesome. I know this was posted almost 2 years ago but my gf just recently made me start reading this blog.

    A lot of problems with threesome is that someone is def being left out, or not really enjoying. And you cant take it back. I am way to possessive (i.e. insecure) to be ok with my gf sleeping with other people, even if I was involved. You really have to think through the repercussions, what if he likes it more than you or vice versa, is there going to be pressure to try it again? Are all parties willing to change the order? MFF, MMF? Are you going to spend the rest of your relationship wondering if they would rather sleep with other people? I'm not saying don't try, I'm saying think it through carefully, prepare yourself, same as you should with any other sexual activity.

  15. Hummmm....I'm "Bi" and I am not interested in a threesome at. all. I don't even like male attention from a "normal" amount of PDA when I'm out with a woman. Its not a show, folks! Move along! Plus, when you think about it...if a hetero couple is seeking a third party- one of them has to be uh, less than "great" in bed, right? Otherwise why mess with a good thing? So, yeaaah...no, thanks!

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