Friday, January 29, 2010

Toddlers & Tiaras

Hi there, homosexuals! 
Actual letter!

"Dear Effing Dykes,

Did you know your blog is exactly one year old today?  I've been following it since it was only a week old.  You should probably name me its godmother or something.

Love,
Kari M."

Whoa!  Effing Dykes is ONE WHOLE YEAR OLD?
Oh, I can't believe how time flies.  *tear*
If Effing Dykes was a baby, it would be all drooling and waving its fat arms around and stuff.  Thanks, Kari M.!

She's right!  This mess got started on this date, exactly one year ago.  I remember it well....
This time last year, I had gone out to dinner the night before. 
My straight, married friend, "Emily" was asking me insanely boring questions, again, about being a lesbian. (P.S. Emily, you're so interested because you're a big secret dyke.  Everybody already knows. You're welcome, sweetiepie.) 
She didn't let up with the questions.
I was sneaking fries off her plate and trying to picture Emily kissing her husband.
Wasn't working. 
She kept talking. 
Question after question. 
How do you know if a girl is a lesbian?  How do you ask a girl out?  What's it like to kiss a woman?  How do you know what to do in bed?  Can you still be a lesbian if you don't wanna, y'know, go down there?
 And then I couldn't take it anymore.  I put my hand up, like a crossing guard, and said, "Emily, you know what?  I'm going to write a fucking book about lesbians.  Just for you."

I was kidding.  But by the next morning, I wasn't kidding.  I was going to help people and do good!  I would write a book about girlie-gaydar!  It would be for all people not naturally blessed with my Spectacular Gaydar Skillz
I would write a book to spare countless lesbians the pain of explaining dyke sex.
I would write a book to give homogirls clues on how to spot their own kind.  So they could get laid.
I would write a book to school straight people in Gay Girls 1001.  'Cause we're tired of being asked the same questions at parties.
I would write a book to save the whole world!!! 

Or, um, a blog.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EFFING DYKES!
It's been fucking fun.

And fun fucking.
Heh.

9 comments:

  1. happppppppy birthdayyyyyyyyyyy!

    and can I have a piece of that rainbow cake? thanks.

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  2. 1) that cake looks delicious
    2) this birthday post was made of awesome
    3) When I saw the title I had to cringe, because that show... makes me sad for the world, but then I saw the rainbow cake and all was right in the world again.

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  3. so...yeah.... I think I love you.

    just thought you should know.

    ~wendy darling

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  4. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! You go on and wave your fat little arms and drool and stuff cake into every opening in your widdle face. You deserve it. What a great blog. Woohoo!

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  5. Birthday wishes from Scotland! Love your blog, its fucking rocking! :)

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  6. Oh Krissy! I remember when this blog was only a mere baby blog thought. And now, it's up for a Bloggie! Who knew it was to do such great things in life?

    Aww. I love being sentimental and shit.

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  7. I thought I was the only one with a crotch like that! Good to know there are others.

    P.S. Love the blog.
    P.P.S. You're welcome.

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  8. Gay guy here who loves lezzie cultures and likes your blog a lot - didn't know about it until recently (saw it in the awards lineup). Many thanks!

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