Friday, January 29, 2010

Toddlers & Tiaras

Hi there, homosexuals! 
Actual letter!

"Dear Effing Dykes,

Did you know your blog is exactly one year old today?  I've been following it since it was only a week old.  You should probably name me its godmother or something.

Kari M."

Whoa!  Effing Dykes is ONE WHOLE YEAR OLD?
Oh, I can't believe how time flies.  *tear*
If Effing Dykes was a baby, it would be all drooling and waving its fat arms around and stuff.  Thanks, Kari M.!

She's right!  This mess got started on this date, exactly one year ago.  I remember it well....
This time last year, I had gone out to dinner the night before. 
My straight, married friend, "Emily" was asking me insanely boring questions, again, about being a lesbian. (P.S. Emily, you're so interested because you're a big secret dyke.  Everybody already knows. You're welcome, sweetiepie.) 
She didn't let up with the questions.
I was sneaking fries off her plate and trying to picture Emily kissing her husband.
Wasn't working. 
She kept talking. 
Question after question. 
How do you know if a girl is a lesbian?  How do you ask a girl out?  What's it like to kiss a woman?  How do you know what to do in bed?  Can you still be a lesbian if you don't wanna, y'know, go down there?
 And then I couldn't take it anymore.  I put my hand up, like a crossing guard, and said, "Emily, you know what?  I'm going to write a fucking book about lesbians.  Just for you."

I was kidding.  But by the next morning, I wasn't kidding.  I was going to help people and do good!  I would write a book about girlie-gaydar!  It would be for all people not naturally blessed with my Spectacular Gaydar Skillz
I would write a book to spare countless lesbians the pain of explaining dyke sex.
I would write a book to give homogirls clues on how to spot their own kind.  So they could get laid.
I would write a book to school straight people in Gay Girls 1001.  'Cause we're tired of being asked the same questions at parties.
I would write a book to save the whole world!!! 

Or, um, a blog.

It's been fucking fun.

And fun fucking.


  1. happppppppy birthdayyyyyyyyyyy!

    and can I have a piece of that rainbow cake? thanks.

  2. 1) that cake looks delicious
    2) this birthday post was made of awesome
    3) When I saw the title I had to cringe, because that show... makes me sad for the world, but then I saw the rainbow cake and all was right in the world again.

  3. so...yeah.... I think I love you.

    just thought you should know.

    ~wendy darling

  4. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! You go on and wave your fat little arms and drool and stuff cake into every opening in your widdle face. You deserve it. What a great blog. Woohoo!

  5. Birthday wishes from Scotland! Love your blog, its fucking rocking! :)

  6. Nice cake....just sayin.

  7. Oh Krissy! I remember when this blog was only a mere baby blog thought. And now, it's up for a Bloggie! Who knew it was to do such great things in life?

    Aww. I love being sentimental and shit.

  8. I thought I was the only one with a crotch like that! Good to know there are others.

    P.S. Love the blog.
    P.P.S. You're welcome.

  9. Gay guy here who loves lezzie cultures and likes your blog a lot - didn't know about it until recently (saw it in the awards lineup). Many thanks!