Thursday, December 17, 2009

Never Leave Your Fags Unattended

Good morning, muff-divers.

Do you like airports?

'Cause I love airports.

As soon as I pull up to an airport in my lil' taxi (every day, around 3:30), I immediately relax. Here's a space where I know exactly what to do! Here is a place where I know all the rules. A totally neutral, devoid-of-personality, filled-with-bullshit-"public-art" place to come home to each day.

The airport! Any airport!

They're so exciting!

There's the buzz of activity; the hummmm of thousands of people waddling to Applebees; the thrill of going somewhere - anywhere - else.
  • I love watching the anxious families with their "Welcome Home, Darren!" signs at Baggage Claim.
  • I love the smug, white, fat business-guys getting shoeshines. They smirk like Cheshire cats from atop their lofty thrones, unaware that diabetes is just a few short years away.
  • I love checking out other people's outfits. This usually leads to me thinking either:
A) What the fuck, lady? You knew you were going to be walking the equivalent of 30 city blocks in O'Hare today, why'd you wear the spike heels? or
B) If you don't have an ass worth looking at, why would you draw attention to it by having something written on it in bold letters? (and what does it mean if your ass is "Juicy?" That you don't wipe properly? Turd juicicles?)I love all of it.
The enforced waiting. The gift shop crawl.
The lone guy, running the wrong way (doin' the salmon!) through the throngs of people, running a race against the imminent closure of his flight's doors. I find I want to watch hysterical H1N1 "updates" on the CNN screens.

I want to know exactly the situation between John and Kate Gosselin, and I'm willing to buy another US Weekly, just to find out.
I love airports. Love 'em.

But there's one aspect of airports I love best, and that is....

The Turbo-Butches who work for TSA.

You know what I'm talking about.
The seriously dykey security-checkpoint screeners.
Built like Mack trucks. Wearing uniforms! With badges!
For some reason, shit-tons of dykes work at airports. There's a butch in almost every X-ray line!

This makes my life on the road...a little bit brighter.

Annnnd I have a little secret:

If I'm not pressed for time, I intentionally put on a bulky sweatshirt (not TSA-approved!!) and get into the the line that has the Butch Dyke Screener.
Ahahahaha. This invariably leads to a pat-down.

You're supposed to take your sweatshirt off. But - what if you don't have another shirt on underneath??

That's when you smile sweetly at the TSA Security Butch and say,
"Oh, oops, I don't have anything on under this. I'm sowwry."
(Bambi eyes *plinkplink*)
The TSA Security Butch is then legally obliged to run her muscley hands allllll over you. Mmmm.

Nothing gets me through my day like sexually harassing others without their knowledge or consent.

It's the most funnest if you're dressed kinda gay to begin with.
Sometimes, then, the TSA Security Butch starts flirting with you! Or you just think she's flirting with you! (Either one. Both do the same for your ego.)

Take this Sunday, at Chicago Midway Airport!

In Security Screening Line wearing favorite ironic bulky hoodie with horses on the front)

TSA Security Butch: Ma'am, could you remove the sweatshirt?

Me: Oh, oops, I don't have anything on under this. I'm sowwwy. *plinkplink*

TSA Security Butch: Could you step over here, please. We'll have to do a pat-down.

Me: Darn it!

TSA Security Butch: (patting me gently) Could you spread your arms. you really like horses, or are you just being funny? Your shirt.

Me: It's a little of both. Ooh, that tickles!

TSA Security Butch: Please hold still. (finishes patting) Well, you're all clear. Not hiding anything in there, are ya?

Me: (smug-grinning-so-hard-cannot-speak-coherently)Auggheeheehee. NOoooo. Mkuaubuluah. Noooosecurtitty threat. Goookealmmm..Thannnnks.

If you hate traveling, you should do what I do and you'll like it better.
Swear to God.

I like to imagine the TSA Security Butch has oil on her hands when she does the pat-down.

Happy travels!


  1. you've got me seriously intrigued now. what the hell do you do that makes you go to the airport every day???? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

    I love this, btw, I'm totally going to do this when I travel on Wednesday.

  2. o'hare, american airlines terminal, security checkpoint allllllll the way down on the RIGHT [ifyourefacingsecurity with the road toyourback] the hottest little tsa ticket-checking-babe stands awaiting the morning rush.

  3. This is called frottage is is illegal in every state. If you were a guy doing this in the end you would have to register with the State SO board 5 years. But if you are a girl it just adds to the danger and makes it more exciting and at worst will at some put get you an invite for drinks.


  4. Well. We ALL know what I'm doing at the next airport I'm in. (Hehehehhe.. I just got a look from the significant other.)

  5. I hafta say I've never even thought of this technique. Way to be a total perv, Kris. Nice work.

  6. Can't. Stop. Laughing. Sides hurt. Tears streaming down face. OMG.

  7. I just made a whole blog post about your blog.

    Just lettin' ya know... LOL

  8. Bonus points to the Security Butch if she has to investigate your nipple ring a little closer.

  9. ....there was a smirk on my face as I watched the Wife getting patted down by a butch TSA.

  10. I've been laughing all day about this, every time I think about it. The comments are making me laugh just as hard now.

  11. hahaha!!!!! this post is the first one i have read of yours. found you through Jude. thanks for the laughs this afternoon! hilarious!

  12. I looooove your blog!!!!
    You're so funny.Turbo butches...LOL

  13. I "accidentally" had the same thing happen to me recently. I heart traveling for work.

  14. I always spot the butch TSA workers!!! Why do so many work in airports? I always rack my brain trying to find a way to make them notice my gayness/sisterhood or in DREAMS think of a way to flirt with them. You're a genius!
    ONCE I noticed one in Minneapolis with a shaved head (so obvious) and I practically skipped to her. but then she grumpily scanned my fingertips, not even looking up to my twinkling femme eyes.
    and then I HATED her for ignoring my queerdom. what a jerk. we could've been friends, or even made out in a bathroom during her break.

    1. Mmmhm, girl. Femme invisibility right there! I feel you...

  15. yah know juicy on the ass is for juicy couture - right?

  16. hahaha hehehe shit is funny!! i'm scared of flying but this just made it even better... i kinda WANT to fly now... hmm where should i go next!!??