Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'll Be Homo For Christmas


Hehehe. I mean, happy holidays, everyone.

Ooooh I just fucking looooove Christmas.

I really do. I listen to carols. I bake cookies. I buy Warm Vanilla Sugar-smelling bubble bath and put on gingerbread-flavored lip gloss. I weep over shitty movies like Polar Express and stare out my window thinking, "Why can't I have the Christmas Spirit in my heart all year?"
It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Time for giving. Time for sharing. Time for family and friends to gather 'round and...GIVE ME PRESENTS!!! WAGUH!!PRESENTSpresentspresentspresentspresentspresents!
I know 'tis better to give than receive, but don't be a superior asshole.
Today on Effing Dykes, we're talking about presents!


What's on your list?

Here's mine. It only has 6 things. I have been very, very good this year, so I am confident Santa will see the logic in granting me everything I asked for.
Let's compare, shall we?

Krista's Wish List 2009-2010
1) A 3M privacy filter for my laptop screen.

You know, one of those plastic thingies you can put over your screen so passerby see nothing but a black screen.
This is necessary for my job survival. I can't tell you how many nosy bitches have looked over my shoulder in the past year and gone, "Ooh, what are you working on so hard out here?" and gotten SMACKED IN THE FACE with something like this:
It's not my fault. I have to find good pictures for y'all, and sometimes, I hafta visit the underbelly of the internet to get 'em.
I have a hard life.
2) A puppy.
A Great Dane puppy.
A Great Dane boy-puppy with a black coat and a white tuxedo stripe down his tummy, and white paaaaaws.
He could also be tan-colored.
I shall name him Jacob.
It's weird. I've asked for Jacob for four years running, and every year, there seems to be AN UTTER LACK OF LARGE GIFT-WRAPPED BOXES WITH AIRHOLES under the tree. I don't understand it.
3) A 20-lb sack of gluten-free baking flour from Cooqi in Minneapolis. Homemade cake for everyone! (Plus I like getting sacks of things and pretending I'm a pioneer woman "provisioning" my wagon with "vittles".)

4) The complete set of Golden Girls episodes on DVD. When you don't grow up with a grandmother around, you can do pretty well with TV grandmas. (Especially when they provide glamorous sex-positive role-models. Thanks for improving my life, Blanche, you slut, you.)
I have a recurring dream in which my living room turns into Dorothy's living room and I'm happy as shit. Gorgeous pastel chenille throw blankets everywhere. Soft coral-colored cushions on top of wicker chairs. I bet the whole house smells like Coty Loose Face Powder and Jergen's Lotion.
5) This:
A Delft blue porcelain dildo.
So fancy. So elegant. Just tea, scones, and you, bent over a chair, thank you dear.

A Little Dutch Girl dildo?? Think how many fucking jokes you could make about plugging leaky holes!

6) The biggest set of fine-tipped markers that Sharpie makes.
Goddammit Santa. I mean it. This is the year. I even want the flesh tones, so don't think I won't notice.
There. That's my definitive 2009-2010 Wish List.
For sure.
Definitely not going to write another. That's it.
Final version.
What's on your list, homos?


  1. oooooo my list isn't as interesting as yours. but I want a puppy too!!!! a dachshund though. my friend has a dachshund which is the MOST adorable dog I have ever encountered in my entire life, and so happy and lovable.

    hope you get eeeeeeverything you want ;)

  2. Could this, perhaps, be hint certain people(or fans) in your life. Hmmmmmmm...

  3. Is it weird that my brother loves Golden Girls? What does that say about him? Hmmmm.

    I have also posted my list on my blog (stealer) and the important things are as follows:

    A yoga mat (been asking for years)
    Perfume (too expensive to buy when not working)
    Anything from Sephora (duh)
    A tropical vacation (much needed)
    Shakira's body (who wouldn't?)

  4. Would happily get you the dog. But, I like CJ and think she would kill me. (You travel five days a week meaning that she would have to care of the Gorilla Dog.)

    And as your future Brother in Law I think I will also pass on the Sex Toy.

    I also can't get you the Golden Girls because Shelley also wants these and i am not getting them for her.

    So Markers or a sack of flower... Hmm.


  5. -Sits in lap.-
    Well, for christmas I've been a good good girl.
    And the things I want are:

    1. An external harddrive for my computer. I have like... 5000 GB of music-, or I would, if my computer could hold it.

    2. A strap on. (Enough said..)

    3. A ring from my boifriend. (YesI'mserious.)

    4. A barrell of dill pickles. I love those fuckers that much.

  6. alphafemme: do you know it's always a toss-up between a baby long-haired daschund OR a Great Dane? They are the cutest pocket-pets eveeeeeer. I go through the debate every year.

    CJ: we are going to need an extra large dogbed, and those don't come cheap.

    Kelly: no one will get you a yoga mat?
    And you don't need Shakira's body. Have you seen your own boobs? just sayin'.

    Ash: YOU'RE MY SISTER'S FIANCE??? way to pick a dykey non-gendered screen name;)

    Sburg: Don't get a cheap strap-on. You'll regret it. Hold out for one from Outlaw Leather. You'll impress everyone for the rest of your life.

  7. I've been wanting my very own pair of Christian Louboutin's forever, but no one is co-operating with me.

  8. this is really boring, but all i want is a gym membership and a new pair of running shoes.

  9. I want a new life. And the courage to get there. The rest is gravy. Love your list!

  10. Aneke - I understand your pain. Christian Louboutins are amazing, red-soled bliss. I want a pair, too, but, for some reason, (boring) people seem to balk at the $700 price tag.

    Bre-ann - Not boring. Gym memberships make girls look hot! How could hot girls be boring? And did you know that (evil)Nike makes running shoes THAT YOU CAN FOLD INTO THE SIZE OF YOUR FIST?? So you can pack 'em when you travel without taking up your whole suitcase!

    Making Space - Santa needs DETAILS. You have to give him skew #s and shit. Otherwise he'll screw up your new life!

  11. I followed the link from Amy's blog over here. And I LLLOOOOVVVEEE it! Love your Christmas list!
    Here's mine...
    my sexy wife in her assless chaps with a red bow on her head. Yehaw!

  12. How do people donate to your Sharpie request? :)
    I myself have been beyond obsessed with the fancy multi-coloured wonders for years and years and think I have quite the wonderful collection (like 5 MASON jars filled with a plethera of colours)

  13. My GOD, Julie.

    All you have to do is write to effingdykes@gmail.com, and I'll send you my address and my love and my first-born child.

    Sharpies were not granted by Santa AGAIN this year!!!!

  14. Ok - I only recently found your blog, but I do follow it and now have been catching up on your old entries - man you make me laugh.

    By the by - did you ever receive the rainbow set of sharpies for xmas?